Acme's (acme) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

2,953 Public Reviews Given

3,697 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Honest. I give my overall impressions, let you know what worked well for me and what didn't, and when that happens, I like to try and offer suggestions--totally up to you if you want to take any notice; it is your writing, after all. I am just glad to have the opportunity to read and review. I rarely think anything is perfect, so please do not request a review if you value ratings over review content.

I'm good at...

...being interested. I take time over reviews. My reviews are intimate, informal and honest. They aim to help, offer insight, and celebrate the graft of craft. I love commas. Punctuation is a personal passion.

Favorite Genres

Comedy, supernatural horror, sci-if, fantasy, thriller, detective, slice-of-life, history.

Least Favorite Genres

Dystopian glumness, romance, personal.

Favorite Item Types

Scripts. Fiction. Essays, especially academic

Least Favorite Item Types

Free form poetry. Other than that, little offends.

I will not review...

Unless previously agreed, novels and chapters are a no go with me. I am sorry to say that I haven't the time.

501

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#2724631

Review of Valentine's Day: A Contagious Disease

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Acme Review

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!

Overall Impressions
Lovely internal monologue of your narrator makes this an insightful, wry glance of what Valentine's day means in one school.

Favourite Parts

The smell of the chocolate intoxicated the vast number of love-struck, hormone-driven teenagers revelling in the romantic season.

- you use some great language choices to take us into the narrator's mind

Suggestions

The electrocuted frizzed hair of a punk goth with a glint of silver hanging from her lip was the first thing I noticed when walking into the cafeteria on lunch hour.

at lunch hour? Oh, and I'm aware I abuse them, but commas area great way to allow your readers to take mental breaths when reading your work

undistinguishable

- indistinguishable ?

Running a spell check is never a bad idea, either, as I'm pretty sure I spotted some on my way though (reveling?)

Write on and take care!

502

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#2724600

Review of A Shift in the Universe

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

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Acme Review

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!

Overall Impressions
This story is so very well written. I've come to expect little else from you

Emotional, without becoming melodramatic and told with great care and attention to building Nina's character up into a 3-D flesh and blood character.

Favourite Parts

People passed her with smiling faces and carefree gaits, unaware that a great shift in the universe had taken place. She already felt disconnected from them, alone, a foreigner amid humanity.

- wonderful wordsmithing

Suggestions
None - Write On!

Write on and take care!

503

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#2715056

Review of DOMA policy analysis

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
You have a good balance of fact with analytical narrative in this well researched article. There are a couple or areas where you seem to go in argumentative circles, but nothing which couldn't be tightened in a re-edit.

What are my favourite parts?
As a Brit reading an article US judiciary/senate legislature, I felt you did a great job of giving me an understanding of DOMA and all it means in the GLBT community

What are my suggestions?
One area of repetition seems to be the Senator Nickles quote re: "... nothing earth-shattering... breaking new ground..." - you may want to look at firming up you initial point where you use this quote to incorporate your ideas from the duplicated one.

As many people read articles straight from the screen here at WDC, you may want to look into visually enhancing your reader's experience of your work. Double return spacing between paragraphs can help "anchor" the eye when scrolling down

Learning how to use the WritingML system can also be of benefit and I heartily recommend the following forum:

Invalid Item

[]

by A Guest Visitor

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2715054

Review of Non-fiction persuasive work

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
Don't worry, this isn't a "proper" review. I just wanted to welcome you to WDC and let you know I think you're organizing yourself well in order to start your writing here

What are my favourite parts?
I'm looking forward to an informative read of your DOMA policy analysis, but see in your Bio Block you want to dabble in fiction? WDC is a great place to do this.

What are my suggestions?
I found taking part in the site contests (especially the Daily Flash and Writer's Cramp) can really help unleash the muse

Have a look here to see if any of the prompts appeal to you:

Writing Contests @ Writing.Com

[E]
Writing Contests on Writing.Com are posted here.
by Writing.Com Support

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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505

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#2714258

Review of A biography of General Custer

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
It's always difficult to rate works in progress, but I so admire your attempt at this massive undertaking - I do hope you carry on with it

With that in mind, please let me know when it is complete and I will be happy to re-rate and review.

For the purpose of the History Contest you have made very good use of the "biography" prompt, by choosing one its most familiar and intriguing characters.

What are my favourite parts?

George would hang around his father’s forge. He would listen in on his father’s conversations with his friends and customers. It was here that he picked up the strong Democrat allegiance that he would stick to his entire life. He also “test rode” newly shod horses and in the process became an excellent horseman.

- this is just one example of your well delivered history. You give the reader a good insight into the external influences that helped form the Custer of history and you do so in an interesting and informative manner. A good example of great biographical writing

What are my suggestions?

thereby creating a real life 19th century Brady Bunch (except his sister wasn’t constantly bitching about Marcia, Marcia MARCIA”!

- close parentheses. I do like the modern cultural references but don't need to go for full comedy, as it distracts from the detailed information you provide here: it's a fine balance, I know!

Worse than [h]is poor academics was his constant accumulation of demerits

He [had] Libby with him almost constantly and had

enjoyed a cosy family life with Libbie, and

- try to keep spelling uniform throughout to avoid distraction.

Oh, and don't forget to quote your sources in the finished piece

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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506

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#2707728

Review of The Talent Pond Group Items

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brrr...rooke

What are my overall impressions?
With 19 items and still growing, no wonder this folder has a lovely ribbon on it

Your support of the writing community shines through this well presented and welcoming place in your port.

What are my favourite parts?
Static Items, Books, c-Notes and forums - your commitment to enhancing the writing experience of your peers is obvious

What are my suggestions?
None - Write ON and Shine ON!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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507

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#2706155

Review of Her Tears

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (3.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brrr...rooke

What are my overall impressions?
The form you use is not Boonstra Brain Function Form. You may find "Invalid Item"

which has some really useful information on this particular form

What are my favourite parts?
You used the prompt well, and I thought the questions made quite an impression

What are my suggestions?
You may want to look into re-editing this poem to meet the necessary word content per line. Also, look at some of your vocabulary and see if there is room to develop more poetic language choices.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2706150

Review of The Immigrant

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brrr...rooke

What are my overall impressions?
I did enjoy the poetic language you used in this Boonstra Brain Function Form poem, but other than mentioning 'eyes', I didn't think you made the most of the picture prompt. I have to say, though, if I were reviewing for pleasure and not as a contest judge, I would have really enjoyed your choice of subject matter and how you used the form to its good effect

Unfortunately, you have missed one of the required word counts for this form (please see

What are my favourite parts?

innocent... indignation
contemplate ... communicate ... customs ... carelessly
transplanted ... trapped

- really strong word choices enhanced the effectiveness of your words as well as providing some lovely alliteration

What are my suggestions?
Many people use the site search engine to find items to read, so you may want to consider changing the static item description from 'other' to 'poetry'. Similarly, you should consider editing your genre choices to reflect the content of your poem, rather than state 'contest'.

Line 2 has 9 words instead of 10

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2705515

Review of Trains Take Time

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
I can see why you like this introduction. You have managed to create great pace and tone, coupled with some good imagery and thought provoking prose. A little time spent re-editing could make it a great snippet of prose.

What are my favourite parts?

time still flows like a wave crashing over my shoulders in the ocean.

- I do like your use of simile here made more potent by the metaphor of concrete which follows. These are good devices used well to enhance your prose

What are my suggestions?

time still flows like a wave crashing over my shoulders in the ocean. While all I'm able to do is stand here and wait unknowingly for the next one to come.

- I'm aware adding a semi-colon would make this an incredibly long sentence, but the 'while' seems to fragment the sentence. Perhaps you could remove it all together and start with "All...". Doing so would make it smoother; especially as you have another 'while' starting a following sentence. This line also seems a little incomplete and may benefit a re-write.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2705204

Review of Sorrow's face

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brrr...rooke

What are my overall impressions?
Good use of Boonstra Brain Function Form, but I don't think your use of the picture prompt was evident. A little time spent revisiting this with an eye on your word choices might be beneficial as the poem looses the initial power of the first two lines as it nears the end.

What are my favourite parts?

A dominating history of destruction, replaced by present lonely desolation.

- thoughtfully constructed with lovely alliteration, I liked the pace and tone you set here

What are my suggestions?

quick poem written for a contest

- this might be true, but you may not get a lot of readers choosing to view your work with this brief description.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2705160

Review of Yearning

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brrr...rooke

What are my overall impressions?
Good use of Boonstra Brain Function form and also of the picture prompt. This poem uses well crafted imagery, language choices and alliteration to its benefit- well written

What are my favourite parts?
no eyes but these of the unheard soul can see
wreckage of creativity locked away, wounds created by absence - I love the tone your words conveyed in these lines

What are my suggestions?
None - Write ON!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2705158

Review of Voice

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brrr...rooke

What are my overall impressions?
You are, without a doubt, one of my favourite poets on this site. I have yet to come away from anything you've written without having had some emotional response to it. This is no exception. Good use of the prompt but you have missed the penultimate line from the Boonstra Brain Function Form.

What are my favourite parts?

Silence does not become me, yet I cannot find
voice to free myself or courage

- lovely narrative POV and tone

What are my suggestions?
The structure of this form requires the addition of a penultimate line containing two words.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2705149

Review of Doleful Lenses

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brrr...rooke

What are my overall impressions?
Good use of the Boonstra Brain Function Form and very good use of the picture prompt. I thoroughly enjoyed the use of poetic language and imagery employed in this poem

What are my favourite parts?

crimson love, maroon the vice, redder yet the price,

- lovely use of language to convey meaning

What are my suggestions?
None - Write ON!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2705141

Review of I Just LOVE...

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brrr...rooke

What are my overall impressions?
This is a good poem but I don't think you used the prompt. The Boonstra Brain Function Form uses 2 words on the 6th line so you will need to review your construction. Apart from that I thoroughly enjoyed this poem: the rhyme and rhythm you created was very well done

What are my favourite parts?

to relate the things that the spirit is wondering
into a menagerie of concrete pondering
creating reality from within

- lovely word choices and gentle alliteration

What are my suggestions?
Only as listed above

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2701300

Review of Masked Soul

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

What are my overall impressions?
I thought this poem provided a great observational insight into the narrator's examination of her world. The use of rhyming couplets and a steady rhythm to your delivery really helped convey your meaning. Very well written

What are my favourite parts?

She knows that this world is fake,
Soulless parties, flesh and cake.

- simple is best, because it's usually the most potent. Your language choices here were especially well done

What are my suggestions?
None - Write ON!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2700769

Review of Carol singing

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brrr...rooke

What are my overall impressions?
Hi there

You requested an in-depth review from the Talent Pond. This story has all the hall marks of a classic ghost story, but I think you are targeting the wrong audience with the Mystery genre choice. There is a good story here: you have a beginning, middle and end. You also have created dramatic tension. Some time spent re-editing and proof reading will really enhance this story for your readers

What are my favourite parts?
Your descriptions of both characters and scene are very well done - you have a talent for narrative description. I also enjoyed the pace which you maintained well though out and your timing for drama

What are my suggestions?
You may want to consider making your brief description a little more punchy:
"This year's rounds would be remembered to the grave...", or something to intrigue your prospective audience. You may also want to consider changing your rating to ASR, and adding further genre choices such as: supernatural, horror/scary, drama etc.

around 8PM since

around 8PM since {/quote - lower case for pm is more universal in use.

Inside their minibus, a group of girls were practicing a rather difficult song. Behind them, two twins were looking out of the window. Towards the end, six boys from the Church School were discussing something.

- you may want to liven up your word use and structure to keep the attention of your reader. Perhaps:

Inside their minibus a group of girls were practicing a rather difficult song, the twins were looking out of the window, and six boys from the Church School lounged over the back seats, offering their opinions about the greatest living soccer player.

I'm not saying use this, I'm just saying editing to cut out unnecessary words and looking to improve nouns which aren't earning their keep can really add punch.

and a broad shoulder

- broad shoulders

A guitar lay beside him....

- 3 periods in an elipsis

Everything went well, they didn't bother about time since they knew they'd have to sing past midnight.

- semi-colon instead of comma

relishing [ on ] every food

throats felt [ that ] they could use some

singing is [ that ], if the people in the house

"Ah[, ...] just one thing for you to remember[:] Mrs. Strauss is ...well[, ...] a bit unfriendly and she could go awfully short-tempered. So, all I wanna say is that mind what you do around her[.]"

I do wish someone will open the door",

- punctuation should occur inside the quotation marks. You should treat dialogue with the same grammatical rules as you would the surrounding text. There are numerous occasions where you miss out periods.

"Of course[,] she will and she

take care of the pitch!!"

- single exclamation mark

Well..now..what's your name?...er....where are you? I can't see a thing", said Mr. Moss.
Well,now. What's your name? Erm, where are you? I can't see a thing." Said Mr. Moss.

Meanwhile Jason muttered " Be seated. I'll bring something to eat" and left the room with a run.
"Be seated. I'll bring something to eat." Jason muttered, and ran from the room.

" Well...we'll take leave then". - " Well, we'll take leave then."

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2689799

Review of SWEET DESIRE

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brrr...rooke

What are my overall impressions?
Oh, this is just a wonderfully written and presented poem

I enjoyed every part of it from the choice of structure, the use of coloured text and, of course, the beautifully rendered subject you conveyed - simple and yet so powerfully delivered.

What are my favourite parts?

I look ahead to the days to come and see
that golden sunsets still are there for me.
I need to breathe the oceans' salty air,
renew my spirit, forget the world of care.

- although I really did enjoy the cyclical construction of the 1st and final stanza, I found this verse really stood out for me. The whole tone of the poem changed from reminiscing with a tinge of regret, to positively embraced futures. This changed the whole voice of the repeated final verse - excellent and clever writing

What are my suggestions?
None - Write On!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2689050

Review of Evening Meander

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This review is part of
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Join our group to help. :-)
#1388251 by Maryann

What are my overall impressions?
Oh, the fish belly imagery hooked me (sorry for the pun, Waltz would be proud

) But the simple and clever imagery of the moon swimming low in the "Janus" sky bowled me over! Two headed gods of January are naturally reflected in the water referenced, but never mentioned - you're a secret genius, aren't you? Fab stuff Fyn, and another good reminder to me why I find such depth of meaning in what you always present as simple poetry.

What are my favourite parts?

Mars, brightened by distance
and sun configurations:
a lure
for the forgotten.

- more fishy analogy, but getting grizzly, like only nature can - it's sets the poem up nicely for the raw imagery of the final verse

What are my suggestions?
Call me all the names in the world, but I have to say it: the following makes me thing of going to the loo - probably my British toilet humour, but none-the-less it conjures up the wrong connotations in my head as a "Meloncholy Flower" would:

Squatting down in brittle nest
of wind-flattened rush grasses

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2689022

Review of The Wizard of Flaming Flapdoodle

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This review is part of
WDC Power Raid And Chat Forum (E)
Join our group to help. :-)
#1388251 by Maryann

What are my overall impressions?
Let me take you on a journey to 2005! Fyn, I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the Russian Dolls of your Poetry folder

The last time I was here I didn't realise I was looking at "page one of three"... or folders, leading to more hidden gems lived down there too. Happily, I've found them now. I have to say, children's poetry is a favourite of mine to read, but a hard one to master to write. The fantasy element to this one appealed as I was hoping for a bit of nonsense. This may be more coherent than Lear, or Caroll's Jaberwocky, but I think you get the balance right and deliver an adventure, as well as some lovely rhymes and rhythmic stanzas.

What are my favourite parts?

She sang to emotions,
She sang of great joy.
She sang to the witchchild and the wizardboy.
She sang of great magics.
She sang of old glories.
She sang of pure love
and of all the old stories.

- I had a big grin of enjoyment as I read this part of the poem; so much so, I had to re-read it several times - it's even better said aloud

What are my suggestions?
My only suggestion would be to bring your 3 years of recent writing experience back to this Children's poetry folder and tickle them all with the editing brush. This particular one just needs some of the stanzas tightening as the different rhythms and rhyme schemes between them detract a little from the story telling. You seem much more comfortable structuring recent poetry and that skill would only enhance and breathe fresh life into this poem

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2688995

Review of Dear Me

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This review is part of
WDC Power Raid And Chat Forum (E)
Join our group to help. :-)
#1388251 by Maryann

What are my overall impressions?
Oh, Fyn - I really should remind myself to visit more often. Thankfully your kind bidding at Kelli and Sherri's finds me here again and the playful side of my imagination had to come and visit this write - mostly out of curiosity to know if last years New Years resolutions were met

There is something incredibly brave in writing down that which we intend to do, and that fact is one of the reasons I am impressed with this piece. The others are pretty easy to state too! This is well presented, well written and makes for interesting reading. Encouraging, acknowledging and providing all the necessary answers from within yourself to pursue your goals in a clear and concise manner - ace!

What are my favourite parts?
Recognising the different sides to what makes you a writer, and where you need to focus your energies and attention. Even though the tone is light the intent is driven and thoughtful - loved the different 'voices' used

What are my suggestions?
Look at this again and see if you are still on track - it's a fascinating exercise and one which I may very well emulate myself!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2687554

Review of OF JACKAL BERRIES AND TERMITE

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This review is part of
WDC Power Raid And Chat Forum (E)
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#1388251 by Maryann

What are my overall impressions?
A beautiful poem in a contest we both represent our respective parts of the globe in. I've never had the happy chance to visit Africa, but your beautiful vivid imagery has transported my heart there today - thank you

What are my favourite parts?

The gentle breeze left me composed;
unseen tendrils lightly licking caressing,
in state of euphoria my eyes closed,
all stress and depression recessing;

- lovely use of alliteration and personification add to the beauty of the moment you capture here

What are my suggestions?
None - Write On!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2687518

Review of We're off to See the Lizard!

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

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#1388251 by Maryann

What are my overall impressions?
I'm having so much fun as part of this campfire

I thought it only right and proper to acknowledge that with a review. I think this is a cracking fantasy/comedy romp and a great adventure which changes at the drop of a hat - it means anything is possible and that makes it sooooooo exciting to contribute to and fun to read.

What are my favourite parts?
I can see all these fabulous characters really clearly in my minds eye - what a hoot

!

What are my suggestions?
None - Write On!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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523

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#2687401

Review of Three Embarassing Moments

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

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#1388251 by Maryann

What are my overall impressions?
This is so very well written on so many levels - thank you for entering it into "Three Embarassing Moments"

. The three embarrassing moments work really well as a whole, and you have a natural talent for strong narrative description. Love the little cultural references eg, Tim Burton - it adds to the intimacy between narrator and reader

What are my favourite parts?

At this point my brother's passing was still a shock to us, so we were alternating between an almost inappropriate casual giddiness and stark depression.

- this is so well put, as anyone who's lost someone will probable recognise; I know I did. This explanation also puts the reader at ease, allowing them the mental room to laugh along with the irony of the ensuing circumstances. Very well written

What are my suggestions?
None - Write on!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2686721

Review of Food for Thought?

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

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#1388251 by Maryann

What are my overall impressions?
This is comedy! Get it in listed in the Genre choices, so you don't miss out on potential audiences

Oh, you can't beat a AABB rhyme structure in a traditional quatrain comedy poem... ahh: ACE!

What are my favourite parts?

As a small child it fooled my teacher,
Ha ha I thought, that’ll teach her
When my creative story she had heard
And said “comestible, that is not a word!”

- I know this child

Lovely comedy imagery, delightfully delivered

What are my suggestions?
Other than popping 'Comedy' in the place of 'Art' for a genre choice? None - Write ON!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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525

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#2686713

Review of Lancaster - An Historic City

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

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#1388251 by Maryann

What are my overall impressions?
You must have so many tales to tell of Old Lancaster - this is a tantalising glimpse of a general overview of the rich history here. I find it fascinating and would actively encourage you to "Write On!" more tales and histories of this most fascinating home town. Just a little editing could make this informative article a really enjoyable experience for your readership.

What are my favourite parts?

A short way along the main road that loops round the city is “Penny’s Hospital”. It was a hospital and almshouse built by the philanthropist William Penny. Set back slightly from the main road is a stone archway with a black wrought iron gate ... It’s not that this place is special that is so surprising, it is the fact that it isn’t. There’s no brash sign announcing it as a place to visit, there’s no museum, no gift shop or tea rooms. In Lancaster, it is just another building.

- so very typical of those of us who have history at our finger-tips: we take it for granted. My mind's eye thinks it recognises this, but probably only in passing. This fabulous description of the heritage on our doorstep is echoed in your opening paragraph - well observed and written

What are my suggestions?

To the north lies the rugged fells and picturesque scenery of the Lake Disctrict; to the east there are the Bowland Fells and beyond them the Yorkshire Dales; to the south lies miles of country roads, then the industrial heartland of Lancashire; to the East is the cold, windy Irish sea.

- you have two easts and no west. Typo on District. It may read a little smoother if you were to substitute the semi-colons for full stops.

There’s not many people about

- if you are going to use a contraction (which you should be wary of outside of dialogue) check to see if it should be pluralised, as here.

The gate is open, and a couple of steps up leads to an enclosed courtyard.

- perhaps:

The gate is open, and a couple of steps lead to an enclosed courtyard.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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