An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
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What are my overall impressions?
Hi there 
You requested an in-depth review from the Talent Pond. This story has all the hall marks of a classic ghost story, but I think you are targeting the wrong audience with the Mystery genre choice. There is a good story here: you have a beginning, middle and end. You also have created dramatic tension. Some time spent re-editing and proof reading will really enhance this story for your readers
What are my favourite parts?
Your descriptions of both characters and scene are very well done - you have a talent for narrative description. I also enjoyed the pace which you maintained well though out and your timing for drama 
What are my suggestions?
You may want to consider making your brief description a little more punchy:
"This year's rounds would be remembered to the grave...", or something to intrigue your prospective audience. You may also want to consider changing your rating to ASR, and adding further genre choices such as: supernatural, horror/scary, drama etc.
around 8PM since
around 8PM since {/quote - lower case for pm is more universal in use.
Inside their minibus, a group of girls were practicing a rather difficult song. Behind them, two twins were looking out of the window. Towards the end, six boys from the Church School were discussing something.
- you may want to liven up your word use and structure to keep the attention of your reader. Perhaps:
Inside their minibus a group of girls were practicing a rather difficult song, the twins were looking out of the window, and six boys from the Church School lounged over the back seats, offering their opinions about the greatest living soccer player.
I'm not saying use this, I'm just saying editing to cut out unnecessary words and looking to improve nouns which aren't earning their keep can really add punch.
and a broad shoulder
- broad shoulders
A guitar lay beside him....
- 3 periods in an elipsis
Everything went well, they didn't bother about time since they knew they'd have to sing past midnight.
- semi-colon instead of comma
relishing [ on ] every food
throats felt [ that ] they could use some
singing is [ that ], if the people in the house
"Ah[, ...] just one thing for you to remember[:] Mrs. Strauss is ...well[, ...] a bit unfriendly and she could go awfully short-tempered. So, all I wanna say is that mind what you do around her[.]"
I do wish someone will open the door",
- punctuation should occur inside the quotation marks. You should treat dialogue with the same grammatical rules as you would the surrounding text. There are numerous occasions where you miss out periods.
"Of course[,] she will and she
take care of the pitch!!"
- single exclamation mark
Well..now..what's your name?...er....where are you? I can't see a thing", said Mr. Moss.
Well,now. What's your name? Erm, where are you? I can't see a thing." Said Mr. Moss.
Meanwhile Jason muttered " Be seated. I'll bring something to eat" and left the room with a run.
"Be seated. I'll bring something to eat." Jason muttered, and ran from the room.
" Well...we'll take leave then". - " Well, we'll take leave then."
Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care
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) But the simple and clever imagery of the moon swimming low in the "Janus" sky bowled me over! Two headed gods of January are naturally reflected in the water referenced, but never mentioned - you're a secret genius, aren't you? Fab stuff Fyn, and another good reminder to me why I find such depth of meaning in what you always present as simple poetry.
The last time I was here I didn't realise I was looking at "page one of three"... or folders, leading to more hidden gems lived down there too. Happily, I've found them now. I have to say, children's poetry is a favourite of mine to read, but a hard one to master to write. The fantasy element to this one appealed as I was hoping for a bit of nonsense. This may be more coherent than Lear, or Caroll's Jaberwocky, but I think you get the balance right and deliver an adventure, as well as some lovely rhymes and rhythmic stanzas.
Lovely comedy imagery, delightfully delivered 
I love your clever observational humour in the descriptions of your narrator going from one scenario to the other, with corresponding emotions - very well written 
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