Review of Times Loss by Jason
Initial Impression:
I must admit that my first impression was that I have no idea what you're trying to say. First impressions are important since they decide the reader whether to continue reading or to give up. If the reader gives up, there is no second impression.
Title:
Bit of a mystery, this. Did you mean "the loss belonging to Time?" In which case it should be "Time's Loss." "Times" can be either the plural of "time" or it can function as a verb. Neither helps the title to mean anything to me. This becomes important, as we shall in my later comments.
Content:
Your big problem with the poem is that its meaning is obscure. The title gives no help in this. As it is, the reader has to attempt to find his way without any idea of what you're writing about. Unfortunately, it doesn't become any clearer as we read on. The net result is that we have a series of apparently unconnected statements and words that may convey some sense of feeling (although even that is very confused), but leave us without a hold on any meaning. In other words, the poem fails to communicate.
Communication has to be the aim in all writing or the writer might just as well keep what he writes to himself. And that means that, no matter how painful it becomes, the writer must allow the reader to know what the piece is about. It's not wrong to expect a bit of work from the reader, but some indication is necessary or the reader will stop reading. For instance, if you had titled the poem "Society Rejects," that would give the reader a basic foundation, a pointer to the meaning of the lines that follow.
Understand that I speak from experience. My first attempts at poetry were so obscure that even I had difficulty in understanding them at times. Time taight me that the best writing is done when it costs the writer something in vulnerability. This is especially true in poetry. Poetry is forged in pain, tempered by anguish and shines with power as a result.
To demonstrate what I mean, let's have a look at your first stanza. "Just hatred brings them on" immediately raises the question, "Who are they?" I have no indication of that so must press on in the hope of an answer later in the poem. "Deciphering what's lost," makes me wonder who is doing the deciphering. No one has been mentioned so far apart from the mysterious "them." Again, I have to continue to see if elucidation follows.
"Knowing what's gone." You may know but I certainly don't. I don't see why I'm kept in the dark about all this. Then "Life's time pass loss," is, apart from being ungrammatical, meaningless to me. What does it mean and how does it relate to what has gone before? You must surely see my problem here. I have no doubt you are talking about something that you feel deeply and passionately but I am left without any idea of what is causing you such feelings.
"Most of us grew." I'll take your word for it, although I haven't a clue how this relates to the rest of the poem. "s*** you bring I toss" makes me wonder if this a poem about a broken relationship. The problem with that is that the rest of the poem doesn't appear to have anything to do with such a thing. Towards the end of the piece, it seems to be shouting at society but, again, that's only a guess. And finally, "You already knew," which gives some support to the relationship theory but, unfortunately, I don't think I did know.
When we are young, many of us write poetry as a way to express the powerful emotions running through our lives. This is a cathartic experience for us but does nothing for anyone reading what is produced. It's not designed to communicate but is purely a release valve. Later in life, when we have passions more under control and communication becomes more important than release, that is when real poetry is written, words that take the reader by the hand or the scruff of the neck and lift them to experiences they did not expect. If you can aim for that now, imagine how good you'll be when you're old!
Style:
You're seeking the words and phrases that begin to express the feelings you have and then stringing them together without a great deal of concern for the reader. This results in a series of brief, explosive utterances that seem to have very little connection to the lines before and after them. You understand because you've done the thinking in between these lines but you must understand that the reader hasn't. He's missing the connections. Help him through from one thought to the next by showing how you arrived at the next statement.
There are a few errors in the poem and I'll point out the most obvious:
"Over comes" should be one word - "overcomes." Unless you really meant that "our meterial" (should be "material") comes over something, rather than beating it.
"Fore-being" is not a word. It has some sort of meaning to me but that may be a very different meaning from the one you intended. It is fine to invent words (poets do it quite often) but you should be sure that the meaning is obvious and cannot be taken another way.
It is a mistake to do away with punctuation entirely. You rob the piece of accuracy by leaving out punctuation and increase the possibility of misunderstanding.
Flow/Pace:
Rather jerky, thanks to the short lines and thoughts. I think the effort to rhyme does not help either. Several times you have had to use words that I'm sure are not exactly what you mean but they're in because they rhyme with something else. It's my opinion that you would do much better with free verse at this stage. Allow yourself the freedom to use the right word rather than the convenient rhyme.
Suggestions:
Just about everything I've written seems to have been suggestions. I'm sure you've had enough for the moment.
Overall Impression:
A wonderful reminder of some of my early poems. I'm not saying you should give up on poetry. It is a wonderful release and you will produce some really good things amongst all the catharsis. But remember, practice may not make perfect but it certainly makes better. Keep writing!
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