Review of The Ramstein Gate: Chapter One
Initial Impression:
Very impressed with the title and glad to see the sensible font. One gets tired of getting lost in acres of tiny characters that dance and mingle on the page. Happy, too, to see that the setting is Germany; I'm a great fan of Gunter Grass' books. Also intrigued to see that the genre of Crime/Gangster is mentioned. I haven't seen a lot of those. So your chapter started on the right foot with me.
Title:
As I've said already, I like the title. It has echoes of gravity and mystery, promising something beyond the average. Isn't there a German heavy metal group called Ramstein? More echoes there, I think.
Content:
The story is intriguing, presenting a totally unexpected mystery as it does. I wondered how on earth you were going to explain the transmission of the gateway from the States to the Black Forest were you ever to continue with the book. That's quite a task you've set yourself. There is certainly enough material here to capture a reader and drive them on to the chapters that follow. But you need to be careful about how much information you supply. At times the flood of detail is enough to deter the reader, so much is poured out at once.
Style:
You have a tendency to include too much unimportant detail. The chapter would benefit from an edit that strains out the wealth of incidental information that slows the narrative and demands too much of the reader. Frau Schmidt's monologue in the second paragraph, for instance, may be a faithful rendering of a German presenter's style, but it is daunting and tedious in its monolithic appearance. It is, in effect, an info dump presented too early and in one indigestible lump at a reader who is yet undecided as to whether to read the book. Far better not to report it word for word but to extract the salient facts and present them as a summary of what was said. Or, better still, to feed them into the narrative in smaller bites.
Don't be too concerned that the reader understand the inevitable cultural references in a story set in a country that is foreign to them. They need to know that the setting is Germany, yes, but that's enough. The information that the ARD network is German is overkill - the reader will understand this without being told.
Be wary, too, of repetition. The essential elements are that there was a house in the States built by the Ramsdens and the doorway from that house has now appeared in the grounds of a house in Germany. A few details around that can build understanding but they need to be tightly controlled. Too much and the reader begins to flag.
The discussion of forensics could be reduced to a couple of sentences, just to show the reader that such things are being looked at. Again, we don't need to go into detail.
I know how we writers have a need to show the reader exactly what is going on and why, but we need to curb that drive, recognising that they only have so much time and patience to devote to the book. If we can filter the wealth of background information that we have, so that only the essential points get through, we can rely on readers to fill in the gaps with their own understanding. It's a skill that we have to develop if we are to hold our readers and have them wanting more.
Flow/Pace:
Both flow and pace are affected by the matters already mentioned. The lady from ARD is a block to the flow of the piece, her speech forming a rather solid boulder that almost halts the stream of the narrative. And the pace is slowed every time you decide that you have more information to impart. This would not matter if the piece were about some technical explanation requiring a lot of thought to digest, but it's a mystery that requires action and progress for us to remain interested.
Suggestions:
I would consider getting rid of the reporters and the police with their official and bureaucratic approach to everything and, instead, allowing Herr Grundmann or a younger relative to investigate the matter. Then we could uncover things at the same pace as he does and not as a waterfall of information right at the start. This also allows the reader to be a part of the investigation and feel a connection to the story.
Overall Impression:
You have a fascinating story to tell. It is quite gripping and drives the reader on to want to know more. Ideal for a first chapter, in other words. All it needs is a thorough weeding out of information that is not needed or can wait for later in the book. Give us the essence and we'll follow you anywhere to learn the rest!
 
Beholden |
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
