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Review Requests: ON
1,184 Public Reviews Given
1,185 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.
I'm good at...
Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.
Favorite Genres
I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.
Favorite Item Types
I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.
Least Favorite Item Types
See previous section.
I will not review...
Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.
Public Reviews
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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
It's very good, quite gripping in fact. The writing is fine, without serious flaw, and the story hooks the reader from the outset. It never lets go until the end. An excellent bit of writing and, if a continuation is planned (or even a prequel to give some reason to the killing of MacDonald), it would be even better.

There are a few things that gave me pause, however. And a pause interrupts the flow for the reader, which is only good if it's intended. The first was the sudden appearance of a bow from... Where? Keeley "found" it but what was it doing there and why was it conveniently loaded with an arrow? Maybe MacDonald sold bows (and arrows) but, if so, you need to say so. Otherwise the reader stops to wonder. Otherwise I think you're going to have to give Keeley some other means to do away with the storekeeper.

Then there's the matter of the window exploding outwards. Actual explosions would do that but not a fire, I think. Surely a fire would lower the pressure in a room since it consumes oxygen? Maybe I'm wrong but the point is that I stopped to ponder the point and some other readers might too. Research would settle the matter but it might be easier just have the fire set off an explosion by reaching some dynamite stocked for the purpose of mining. Nobody's going to argue with an explosion forcing a window to shatter outwards!

Finally, I'm not sure that the townsfolk wouldn't work out the cause of McDonald's death. Even though the fire would probably consume the arrow sticking into him, the wound might still be discernible to an autopsy. The arrowhead would certainly survive and would probably be dug out as well. So Keeley's escape might not be so easy after all. Maybe you should allow her to catch the train so she gets away immediately.

So there we have it - a cracking good story, slightly marred by a few doubts in the technical details. The writing is certainly good enough for these minor quibbles to be fixed.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Fascinating poem. I don't know the folktale of the Mistletoe Bride, so I'm coming to this uninfluenced. At the same time, I may make awful mistakes in interpretation. Bear with me.

The first thing I notice is the wording - it's very beautiful, the words chosen carefully and rhyme not allowed to deflect from the correct choice. That was the second thing I noticed, the rhymes and near-rhymes. This avoids the clanging awkwardness of words forced together, not for accuracy, but because they happen to sound the same. Brave, adventurous and the right way to go.

Then there's the language. It's a wonderful mix of modern and past-poetic (if I can coin a phrase). Consider this, for instance:

"My voice frail with age. She will ne'er heed.
The last berry runs to dust in my hand."

The first line flirts deliciously with the past, clear-eyed description of "frail with age" piling on to the traditional "ne'er." And then the bald modern statement, "running to dust," the contrast demanding that we pay attention. And so appropriate, the poem dealing with the present discovery of a reminder of a past that changed lives forever.

I read the thing aloud, interested in the meter and the meaning, and now the full glory of the poem strikes me. The meter's steady beat, coupled with the step-by-step unfolding of the tale, leads us on from vivid image to sparkling vision and ultimate understanding. I sorta get it - the Mistletoe Bride.

Ideally, I would love to deal with each line in turn, considering its meanings and the effect it creates, but this a quest I'm on, a matter of piling on reviews to earn as much as I can, and I cannot spare the time. I'm even supposed to offer ways to improve the piece and that seems impossible now. I'll have a dig and see if I can muster a few quibbles in a moment, although I doubt it.

The plain fact is that this is a beautiful, atmospheric and soaring poem and there's no way I can improve it.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is delightful. I've had some success with inanimate objects myself, and even written a poem of praise of their faithfulness, but nothing as all-encompassing as this. The names, so mysterious in your description of the piece, come to life and understanding one by one as we traipse (the only word for the way this beautiful piece flows to our minds) through Mrs. Frufrubottom's day. I love it.

To be honest, I can find no flaw in it and this doesn't help my quest at all. I'm supposed to offer suggestions for improvement to fill the requirements of the particular contest I'm involved in, but I can think of nothing. The darn thing is perfect. I can't even point at areas in the presentation that can be tweaked. In the end, I'm going to have to do this one as contest-unrelated, since there's no way I'm passing it by without applause.

May I congratulate you on an excellent piece of work?


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Ah, if only the world was that simple. Seriously, I think that's about the only weakness in the story. I really cannot see a whole town deciding to shop in the more expensive stores through loyalty to the local businesses. Some would, yes, and that's why limited drives such as Buy American exist. But never enough to beat the big guys. And this is what leaves your story without enough conflict to really grip the reader. Everything seems far too easy.

How to fix it? I think, to do that, you're going to have to cut back on the reader learning so much about Jolene. It's relevant that she's been a marine and seen corruption in the Middle East - this gives her enough motivation to sort things out when she gets home. But the meeting with local businesses is too long and doesn't tell us a lot. It doesn't matter who the owners of the small businesses are - it's sufficient to know that they're in danger of going under. So we can trim a lot as we build to the battle with the Biggies.

And that should give you some room to make the struggle closely fought and more engaging as a result. Just a suggestion.

You're also very light on details of how the local populace is persuaded to join the campaign. It needs a little work to outline the strategy, I think.

Apart from these points, you write well, with no errors that I could mention and a grasp of how to keep the story flowing along. The one remaining quibble I have is your choice of Contest Entry as one of the three genres allowed. No one searches for contest entries so you need to pick something else that relates to the story's subject and that can draw readers in.

It's good to see someone noticing the problems confronting small businesses these days. One more voice raised in good sense!


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Review of Countdown  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Clever. I like things that end with them flying up their own fundaments. There's a sort of circular symmetry about them.

But you are certainly right about being careful with the inner dialogue business. The No Dialogue Contest would have been a lot easier if they hadn't added that little humdinger. And I say that even if I was a bit of a "Karl, the class know-every-damn-thing-about-every-damn-subject" at school.

And now I'm supposed to offer a few suggestions for improving the darn thing. Which ain't easy, seeing as it's written in the voice of the poor kid suffering the exam in the first place. No point in picking on any grammatical errors, therefore - it's his authentic voice you'll counter. And you know your stuff so it's all entirely appropriate to its subject (and amusing too, which is the intent, of course).

But there's the font size to consider. To help all the old fart WdC members like me, a slightly larger font wouldn't go amiss. Always consider the reader, he said with finger wagging in condemnation. And you've dared to choose only one genre, apart from Other, which is the same as nothing at all. Get those readers in by adding a couple of genres that are connected, no matter how loosely. They will come.

My last is deliciously picky, but I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Your description of the piece should start with a capital letter! I need three suggestions and , by jiminy, I'll find 'em. :D

Thanks for posting about this piece - you made my job of finding the next one to review very easy. And don't forget to keep on writing!


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Review of Farewell  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an excellent bit of writing. I love the language and the tone that fits exactly with the voice of a player retiring after all those years. Simple, straight, no-nonsense stuff - very authentic. The dialogue, too, is believable, having that authentic tone of people who know each other well.

The game itself is handled very well. I know nothing of baseball and the terms used, but it was all understandable, even so. The one thing I couldn't work out was a "change-up" but I don't think it mattered - I got the gist. Describing a sport without losing the reader in over-explanation or technical jargon isn't easy but you do it well. I don't think I could do a similar job with cricket!

What I do worry about is the description of the piece as a short story. My understanding of the term is that a story should have a twist, a denouement at the end, which this tale lacks. I don't think it's massively important but it would be better described as a vignette. That way, no one can complain that they were misled when looking for a story.

I also note that one of your announced genres is "Other." This doesn't pull in readers since it tells them nothing about the piece. Better to increase your potential readership by choosing a third genre (Cultural perhaps), no matter how tenuous the connection. Once people start reading, they don't really care what genre it is as long as they're captivated.

As a suggestion only, you could introduce a little more punch into the last line by changing it to something like, "Tomorrow I'm going to sleep for a week." It has a bit more expression than the existing statement.

As I say, however, it's a fine piece of writing. Well done.


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Review of Friends  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's a simple story but it works very well. The reason is the dialogue. It flows naturally and is never forced or unlikely. You bring the reluctance of the boy to life, showing how he approaches the subject of the backpack with care, not wanting to annoy his sister. And she is impatient, at first, gradually coming to the understanding that her brother is serious this time. It was fortunate that the problem was so easily fixed, mainly thanks to the reasonableness of the men.

The brother/sister relationship is totally believable, thanks to the conversation between them. It's obvious that you have experience of this! So it's a well-told tale but there are weaknesses in the presentation. You have used only one of the three options for genre, and even that one is Contest Entry, which tells a potential reader nothing about the subject of the story. If you were to choose three genres for this section, you would broaden its appeal greatly. I would suggest Family, Drama and Relationships as fitting the story well.

Similarly, the description of the piece says nothing about it apart from the fact that it's short. Something like "A girl realises that her little brother needs her help" would be better. It sums up the story without giving anything away.

Finally, I'm not sure about the title. Yes, the two become friends ultimately, but for most of the tale they are stuck in a typically adversorial relationship of brother and sister. A title that hints at the conflict in the story may be more appropriate and gather more readers.

All of my suggestions have been concerned with presentation. The story really deserves a bit more hype to increase its readership. Once people start reading, they'll be hooked!


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I was halfway through the poem before I noticed the alphabet thing. Serves me right for not having read the description in the first place. So it's a word game as well as a poem. And the game is very cleverly achieved, unobtrusive enough to have fooled me for a while at least.

But the poem is even better. In spite of the restraints of the game, you set out the initial idea clearly and then develop it logically and naturally, without having to twist and bend to achieve the next initial letter. It is a beautiful poem, the chrysanthemum being an inspired choice of flower, it being both extremely handsome and delicate too. And then to regard with fortitude the approaching winter and the death it represents, refusing to be defeated by the awareness of how short the time is - all this steadily developed with each line flowing into place obediently, it's a remarkable achievement. Word choice is exquisite, a veritable shower of expressive words that, at the same time, remain faithful to the driving force of reason. I am astounded at the talent and care that created this poem.

And now I am supposed to make suggestions for the piece's improvement. How ridiculous when confronted with such perfection. I can point out the lack of information in the Genres section - using all three options would ensure more readers being drawn into the feast (Nature, Experience, and Environment are possibilities, I think); and the description regarding Lady MacBeth is interesting to me but actually tells the prospective reader nothing about the poem. How about something like "A chrysanthemum faces an unfortunate future"?

I cannot fault the poem itself.


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Review of Hinges  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Well, of course, having read the description, I had to read the poem. As a way to ensure readers, it can't fail - to suggest that we can pass by without reading. So it's interesting even before I start reading.

And remains so as I read. There's something slightly desperate in these brave declarations of freedom.
Boldly shaking a fist at life while trembling inside. It's so expressive yet we remain in the dark as to the cause of it all. It is indeed your party and you can cry if you want to. But one of your chosen genres is Personal and that slams the door on nosiness.

It is a very good poem and I love it. But I'm supposed to make suggestions on improving it so here goes (oh, the sheer cheek of it). Firstly, there's the matter of the genres listed. People don't search for contest entries so that one has to go. There must be something else, no matter how tenuously related, that can be applied. Experience would do, for instance. Have to get those readers in, you know.

With contest entries, I find that it helps reviewers to know the requirements to which the piece was designed. It also means that you won't get complaints like, "It's too short," when you know you've hit the word limit quite accurately. So I can suggest adding a note with the the fact that it is a contest entry and the limitations under which it was written.

Finally (and this is really reaching), where can you buy tea at 3am? Just joking - I really can't fault the poem itself. Two suggestions will have to do.


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Review of Theirs  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is very good, considering it's hampered by the banning of all words containing the letter A. That makes it a word game but it's also a very expressive poem. Pardon me if I ignore the game and concentrate on the poem.

The first two stanzas are a delightful contrast within themselves, as expressed in the final line, "imperfection perfectly outlined." It's a punchy opening, an announcement that it might be Romance/Love in genre but it's no sappy love song. The lady has flaws for once!

Then we delve into the sensations he is experiencing and nothing is held back - body odours indeed, beer and tobacco as well. This is the kind of thing that's needed in modern love poetry, a return to reality after our long sojourn in the realms of romantic and unlikely fantasy. You do it extremely well and nothing jars too seriously, in spite of its newness and boldness. The one part that I think goes over the top is the fist bumping, the high fives. Do lovers really greet each other in such a manner these days? Methinks you were having difficulty finding A-less words at this stage. Easily fixed with a quick hug or two, however.

The final stanzas are a competent summation of the final union, expertly expressed and detailed without overreaching into embarrassment. It really is very well done and you are to be congratulated. The simplicity of the last three lines especially is masterful and harks back to the title of the piece.

I think you do it no favours by leaving its announced genres as only Romance/Love, however. Find a couple more to add in (Perhaps Experience and Cultural) and you broaden its reach to people searching for particular genres. It's readers we're after and that matters.

One very minor niggle is the occurrence of the word "stopped" twice in the opening stanzas. They are a little too close together and might distract the reader. I'd avoid this chance by changing one or other of them, perhaps to "halted."


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Review of For All of Us  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This feels as though it's actually two documents in one. The first part, the poem, is very moving and makes some excellent points as well. The simplicity of what it's saying is often missed in our daily lives as we're too much in a hurry to deal with things that don't really matter.

Could it be improved? Yes, by separating it from what follows. Both graphical content and presentation of the text below the poem detracts from the its stark honesty and directness, allowing the reader to forget its good advice as he makes his way through the fields of clover below. Both pieces have their merits but lessen the impact of each other.

They are different in type as well. The poem is straightforward, simple wisdom, whereas the text is a series of aphorisms. I think you weaken them both by forcing them to live together. I'm aware that the requirements of the contest may have required this structure but, now that it's done, it might be an idea just to give each part a document of its own.

Speaking of Contests, it's a mistake to have Contest and Contest Entry as two of your allowed three genres. Readers don't look for contest entries so they're uselss as attractions to new readers. Far better to fill this genre info with other genres that your piece touches upon, even if only marginally. It could increase your chances in the Quills too. For example, you could add Religious and Philosophy to the Educational tag that you have chosen. The info regarding the contest can be added to the piece as a note at the end.

The second section of the document is more problematic than the first. It is more complex and adopts more than a single sentence construction. The clover and other graphics I find intrusive and make reading each point more difficult. I'm fighting my way through the vegetation to find the textual nuggets! This may be a personal thing with me but I would advise you to think about cutting down on the graphics at least a little. I may not be the only one who feels a little lost in the clover!

The wisdom you have set down is quite apparent, however. I doubt that anyone could go wrong in life if they take notice of these points. Well done!


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Review of Coffee  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
For a moment I thought you'd committed the unpardonable "it was all a dream" sin. Nice save at the last minute with that "a small puff of smoke seemed to follow him in."

The story itself turns upon the difference between "mail" and "male" of course. Kudos on building so interesting a world upon such a simple thing. It's told mostly in dialogue so you've done especially well in conveying required information to the reader. You have a simple, bare style that is very effective for moving a story along without entangling the reader in unnecessary detail. That is your strength and you should nurture it.

There are a few improvements I can suggest. You've described its genre as Contest Entry - which is meraningless to a reader wanting to know what it's about before starting. Also, you're missing all those readers that would be pulled in by searches around your chosen genres. Notice that's in the plural - you should always pick three genres (even if some may be a bit of a stretch) because it widens the net to catch more readers (and possibly a Quill).

There's a point in which you say, " Then suddenly he sort of woke up..." This is vague and tells the reader nothing. Did he wake up or didn't he? Be positive in what you say and be clear. Don't allow the reader to wander off, wondering what you mean.

Be wary, too, of clichés. Disappearing in a puff of smoke is an example. Sometimes they have to be used (as in reported speech - we use them all the time when speaking) but it's best to think up new ways to say things if you can. It brings your writing to life by making people really think about what you're saying.

This is an enjoyable tale with an interesting twist at the end. Very well done.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Obviously a club for old men! That's why I let Chrome remember my passwords for me.

But, to the story. Yes, it is a story since it tells a tale and has a bit of a kick in the ending. We get some hint of the characters involved through their words and the situation quickly becomes clear. It is, in fact, a narrative joke and can't be told any other way.

Although I like the tale very much, I do have a quibble with the title. It gives the game away right from the beginning. Since it proclaims "I Forgot the Password," it gives the game away before we reach the end and the narrator's admission that "he forgot it too." Admittedly, only the very alert are going to pick up on this (I didn't and so got the full impact of the joke), but those few that notice miss out on a laugh. It might be better to change the title to The Password, for instance.

The same goes for your description of the story. Best to be a bit coy about where it's really going.

One more tiny niggle is this: "..." Not sure what this is supposed to represent. Presuming that the piece is an entry for the Dialogue Only Contest, I would guess that it indicates silence. So I understand your dilemma. But the young have a word that would do - it's "Nuhuh," indicating a refusal to answer. It may not be exactly what you want but I think it's more commonly understood in meaning in this context than an ellipsis.

Finally, about the genres heading. Never say Contest Entry - better to explain that in a note at the end, rather than waste a third opportunity to pull in more readers searching for a particular genre. Community would be a possibility, for instance. Heck I stretch things as far as they can go when ensuring that I hit three genres.

Great little tale, Paul. Did it win?


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Review of The Last Date  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hmm, your little twist at the end has taken the ground from beneath one of my suggestions for improvement. I was going to say that we needed to hear what Sophia was saying as you examined the quilt but I see now why you kept very quiet on that score. Is leaving the detail of the narrator's deafness until the last moment a legitimate way to achieve an ironic twist in the tale? I pondered a while on this and decided that it is, but it's a bit risky in that it relies on the reader hanging on through the long exposition on the quilt's details to reach the final words. To be quite honest, I'd shorten the time spent on the quilt to avoid losing the attention of the reader.

This point is reinforced by a thought that occurred to me as I was reading. The narrator was spending so much time looking at the quilt that I wondered how he was able to continue driving. Another reason to shorten this section, I think.

I think, also, that you need to mention Sophia's apparent age. The possibility that she was carrying a child in the quilt led me to suppose Sophia was quite young. So it came as a surprise that she had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Suddenly, I had to adjust my view of her as aged and her wandering the streets in her condition becomes that much more understandable. I don't think the story would suffer if you allowed us to see her as elderly right from the beginning.

Apart from these points, the story is strong and catches the reader's attention right from the start. You write well and with fine descriptions that build both story and pace. I particularly like the quiet atmosphere you create - there is no panic or tumult in the protagonist's actions, just careful concern and a decisive ability to get things done.

To place a cherry on what is a very competent cake, I would suggest that you increase the font size a little. I am old and I can still read the fine print you have chosen but it takes some concentration. Remember that some of your audience may not have very good eyesight.

In the end, it's an enjoyable tale with a couple of surprises hiding within!


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Review of Listen  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good advice and a cracking little poem. I particularly like the fact that you have kept the meter precise, although I must point out that it's a close run thing with the line "as they soar over land." It's only my opinion but I think it's slightly dodgy. The really strange thing is that, if you change the last two words to the word "overland" (quite legitimate in meaning but forcing a slightly different pronunciation), the meter fits better. You might want to change it - it's up to you.

The rhyming, too, is excellent, fitting perfectly with the rhythm and meaning of the poem and never appearing awkward or forced. It's an effective statement that saves its most powerful message for the very last. I actually like the device of adding an extra line beyond meter and rhyme to hammer home the point. It's an encouraging glimpse of the willingness to go outside boundaries when necessary.

A minor point is the word "lightening." In context, you mean "lightning," the electrical discharge from a storm cloud, whereas "lightening" means "getting brighter." Just requires a very quick edit.

Finally, I'd advise you to use all three available options under the Genres heading. Your poem is about more than Romance/Love, after all, and Other is quite meaningless. Add a couple of genres and you extend the poem's reach to search engines, Quill nominations and people looking within a greater range of genres.

In conclusion, I find this to be a simple but profound poem that is a joy to read. Well done!


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Review of DRAGONFLY  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A pleasant little poem that carries the reader gently from one thought to the next and ends with a more serious thought. I like especially that you included a note regarding the actual dragonfly at the bottom of the page. This yields a third aspect to the poem - it's educational as well as everything else!

A lot of thought has gone into what is apparently a very simple poem. The rhymes are natural and unforced, the rhythm and pace easy on the tongue. Even that last, rather longer line fits neatly into the flow of the poem.

I'm supposed to make a suggestion for improvement but the only thing I can come up with is this: at first I thought the picture of a butterfly above your name was the bug the poem refers to. I thought it was a Halloween pennant dragonfly butterfly, referred to as a dragonfly for brevity's sake. It was only later that I realised that you were really talking about a dragonfly. So it might be an idea to change your sig, if only for the sake of this poem. It might avoid possible confusion.

It's a great poem, however!


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Okay, you caught me with that one - really didn't see it coming! Interesting story with a brilliant punchline.

Well written too. It keeps trundling along at a merry pace, nothing wildly outrageous but, equally, not without interest. You're very good at these domestic dramas, Sue, and it's not a common talent. I'm hopeless at that kind of thing and I don't know many who manage it well.

I'm supposed to make a suggestion for improvement so I'll mention the following little niggle. This is the relevant sentence: "No one, I went on the bus,” Mable said, as if she hadn’t been able to catch a bus for several years, owing to her growing fragility and diminishing memory." I know what you mean but I've read the thing several times over and I don't think it means what we think. As it stands, it means that Mable said the words in a manner resulting from her inability to take a bus ride for several years. The intent is that we understand that it's the narrator who knows that she can't take a bus, but it's too easily misunderstood and can result in confusion. It might be better to simplify it by saying something like, "'No one, I went on the bus.' I knew she hadn't been able to catch a bus for years etc."

It's a minor quibble, I know, but it allows me to meet the requirements of this exercise. Great little story anyway and a good laugh at the end!


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very imaginative, well told story. I like the idea of time travel being induced by the employment of something from the time being travelled to. As though the protagonist was being pulled there by the desire of the object to return to its own time.

You make a great job of conveying the confusion of the sea captain in the sudden change in his circumstances. Your writing is well suited to the tale, with a light touch and not too much concern with the boring details of the mechanism behind the jump. Nicely judged balance between explanation and entertainment.

The first paragraph is a little worrying as subject to an outbreak of first person disease. All those sentences beginning with "I." It's hard to see how this can be avoided but often the remedy is to resort to our tendency to abbreviate. So you could write "Voices and shuffling feet" instead of "I hear voices and shuffling feet." A little thought and some of those "I" sentences could be altered to avoid the excessive repetition.

And that's about it. An entertaining tale indeed.


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Review of The note  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is quite moving. I didn't look at the description before I started reading, so I was unsure whether it was fiction or not. It makes a slight difference in that, if it's fiction it shows a considerable wealth of experience and wisdom in being able to imagine being in such a position.

Which is my way of saying that I'm impressed with the quality of your writing. You achieve exactly the right balance between bare facts and deep emotion, without wandering off into overstated and flowery expressions of feeling. Full explanations are not given, just those few vivid details that allow the reader to share in the experience.

The conversational tone is part of the effectiveness of your style. It bares the soul of the narrator in a voice that is totally believable and real. Masterfully done. Even the occasional grammatical error is a part of this - it's how we speak, after all. For instance, I could quibble about "Me and the kids will be by to see you..." by correcting it to "I and the kids will be by..." (just remove "the kids" and you'll see what I mean) but that would interfere with the authenticity of the piece.

I'm supposed to make suggestions for improvement but all I can think of is the pause the following gave me: "I’ve been going to church. Yeah, you’ve heard me right, I said church." Yes, it's the kind of thing we say in real life but, in this case, it jarred a little. The second sentence is unnecessary in text. It's like adding a PS to an email, when it would be easy just to insert into the body of the letter. In print we don't have to admit that we forgot to mention something. And we all know that so well that it looks a bit forced when we see it.

But that's a tiny quibble and hardly detracts from what is a very powerful, emotive piece. It certainly won't stop me from giving it five stars.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
When I first came across this story, I did not read it, deciding that there was little point in reviewing something written by a machine. This second time, however, curiosity got the better of me and I read through the story.

It turns out to be simple but not obviously bad or error-ridden. And I realise now that much depends on what you input into the machine. How bare a skeleton did you provide, in other words? At a guess, I would say that you gave it a few words and told it to weave a story around them. In which case, it has supplied a fairly standard and uncomplicated plot with an obvious moral - power corrupts. It may be that it takes a human to devise the truly devious and original plot that makes for a great story.

At least, I hope so, or we writers are all doomed. That invention of the devil will work 24 hours a day without pay or vacations. We can't compete with that.

So, ultimately, my advice would have to be: Don't mess with those things!


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Well, you can write, that's obvious. The story's a bit weak in that it needs an ending a bit more punchy. The finding of Uncle Fred was just a bit too easy and it fails to balance out the rest of the story. If you're working to a word limit, you could take out the basket ball/boiler stuff (which doesn't keep the story going) and make the ending a bit longer with the appearance of Fred a bit more of a surprise.

Other than that, the only problem is the frequency of niggling little errors and typos. Snow balls become snowballs halfway through (it's "snowballs"), cannon balls should be cannonballs. Don't use abbreviations like 15" - write it in words (fifteen minutes, in this case). That way, there's no possibility for misunderstanding. When I read that the kids ran into Fred 3" from the entrance to the pipes, my mind saw it as three inches. The abbreviation is the same for both minutes and inches, depending on the context. And it's only Americans who measure distance in the time it takes to travel. Don't alienate readers through abbreviations like this that can cause confusion - write it in full every time.

I know you're writing this for young adults and they may well not even notice such small niggles. But it doesn't pay to irritate the occasional unexpected reader. Always try to expand your audience and never pander.

Sorry to be so picky but it needed saying.


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Review of Shard  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a story that shows considerable promise in the writing. You have built tension very capably, supplying slivers of terror in vivid details that make the protagonist's terror very real to the reader. The tension builds steadily throughout the piece as we learn what is happening gradually by the addition of information as and when it's needed, rather than in a paragraph or two at the beginning. When the tension explodes into action as the daughter tries to escape, you succeed in carrying the reader with you in her mad dash for freedom.

A major problem is that the story has no end - it just stops, leaving the reader hanging. You need to bring it a definite close by her getting away or failing at the last. It's not really enough to let the reader assume that driving her foot into the man's chin is sufficient to put him out of action. Let us at least see him laid out cold on the ground and, perhaps, the mother and father hurrying to their daughter's aid.

There are a few things you could do to increase the effect of the language used. You say the men are "planning" - it would be that much more sinister if they were "plotting."Later, you write that "His strides sounded like the hooves of a charging bull just inches behind her." This strikes me as being slightly over the top. How many readers are likely to know what a charging bull sounds like? I don't and I suspect very few do. Try to keep the similes and adjectives within the bounds of reason - overstating risks introducing disbelief into the reader's mind.

It's an excellent description of how a young girl would feel in the event, however. Give it a clearer ending and it will earn that final star, I'm sure. Great title, by the way.

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Review of Part One  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A western tale - how pleasant a change from the usual run. And a nicely managed one, with clear and arresting descriptions, fascinating characters and a delightful atmosphere to the whole thing. I would quibble only with your identification of it as a short story. It seems to lack the purpose and denouement necessary for it to earn such a description. Maybe I'm missing the point but I see it as an enormously competent and vivid vignette.

The title is presumably the explanation. If it is intended as Part One of something larger, it may be advisable to make this rather more evident - perhaps a note at the end or beginning. As an opening chapter or section, it is excellent, a delicious taste that entices the reader and prepares him for the feast to follow. The Welsh name is, of course, absolute genius in the context of a western. How better to draw the reader in with instant curiosity and need to learn more?

I love the pace of the thing. Like its main character, Gwynne ap Nuada, it takes its time, never hurrying and with a determined tread draws the reader on unresisting. And such a wonderful picture it paints. The tone, too, is delightful.

All in all, it's hard to fault this piece, apart from the initial confusion over its intent. Certainly, it's a fine first chapter, if that is what it's meant to be.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Adherennium not so foolish fellow. I see you've been hiding your light under a clown's mask. Not that there's anything wrong with a poet having some fun but it is only fair that he get some recognition for the serious work he does as well.

This is an excellent poem, a veritable tour de force of evocative language painting a picture that is filled in gradually, like a painter asking his audience, "Can you see what it is yet?" How skilfully it speaks of the assembled horde impatient to be let loose upon the morning breeze, to seek its various fortunes in the open world. I see these errant wanderers as the tiny helicopters of the dandelion, brave and stalwart emissaries of the gardener's hated foe, but that may just be my own admiration for these hardy, cheerful plants. The mention of clocks does seem to confirm my suspicion, however. My memory speaks vaguely of some use of dandelion seedheads as timepieces when blown by a child's breath. A delightful reference, if intended.

In the end, it does not matter - the poem is a wonderful exposition of windborn seeds. But you've set yourself a high standard at this early stage of the challenge, young Adherennium. Be certain that I, at least, will expect much of your later efforts. More power to your arm, good sir!


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Review of A Dog's Christmas  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Be careful what you proclaim! I, too, declared in my early WDC days that I was not a poet, only to end up writing more poetry than prose. My only excuse is that I could not possibly have foreseen the explosion of poetry that was about to burst forth from my addled old brain.

And here you are, telling us you're no poet. On the evidence of this poem, you could well be mistaken. It's a jaunty little ditty that does exactly what it sets out to do. The meter is occasionally a bit lumpy, but no worse than I see all the time in WDC and that I've been guilty of myself. And, considering that this is a comic poem, that's entirely forgiven by all but the harshest of critics.

So, to answer your question, there's nothing wrong with your sense of humour. Indeed, when we consider how difficult it is to make anyone smile, let alone laugh, through the medium of print, you have a special gift in this area. If I can zero in on one example of this, let's have a look at these two lines:

Gracie's the boxer with a slim, youthful middle
And Tut's a Chihuahua who's louder but little.


Such a perfect description of a boxer's concave middle section (you're lucky I know my dog breeds) coupled with the fact that tiny dogs tend to be a lot louder than big ones, yes, it's funny. But the real punch is in the rhyme. "Middle" and "little" are what are called "near-rhymes" and these are beautifully placed to acentuate the humour of the whole sentence. Near-rhymes are always funnier (and more creative) than true rhymes. It doesn't matter whether you were aware of this when you wrote it; it's talent that knows instinctively what's right and what's not.

Since we've embarked on the detail, let's have a brief look at meter here. The first stanza is flawless in this regard but there's a hiccup in the second. Read it aloud and you'll see what I mean - that last line is not quite right. Try adding the word "had" (to make it "Had entered our house") and the problem is fixed; now the whole thing flows along naturally without the reader having to adjust.

In my early days in WDC, I thought this had to do with number of syllables per line. But it doesn't. You can have lines of multiple syllables that will combine happily with quite short lines. It's about beat, yes, but there's more to it than that. Beats come with stress and stress can do some surprising things at times. Read about the various poetic forms and you'll see lines divided nicely into regular beat/stress words and non-beat words, one after the other. But read a real poem aloud and you'll realise that it isn't always so. The really good poets can set you up so that you read what's coming in the intended rhythm, even though it may not follow the announced form and prescription.

But this is all getting a little technical. Suffice it to say is that, to check on the poem's rhythm and meter, read it aloud. Be hard on yourself and don't start a line again if it proves not able to fit the meter in the expected way. There is always a way to fix this kind of problem, even if you have to change every word and its order to do it.

Then there's the matter of which meter to choose. Your choice of The night before Christmas upon which to base your poem's meter was a good one. The meter sets the tone and that well known poem has just the right sort of jaunty, smiling rhythm that your subject needs. So your framework is excellent and the execution is well above beginner standard.

I want to point out a couple of points that were excellent, either for a poetic reason or a humourous one. I love this, for instance:

Laying toenail whispers

This is so eye-catching but is solved almost immediately by remembering the sound of canine (and, presumably, mouselike) scrabbling of claws on a hard, polished floor. Both poetic and funny. Then there's this echo:

Scratching and sliding she shot past the tree

Ah, the number of times I've watched dogs overshooting in their exuberance on a shiny floor. This is the kind of thing that brings memories to the reader's mind and makes the poem that much more of an immersive experience.

Overall, it's an effective narrative poem that achieves its object with panache and skill. Even the rhymes are great, in spite of your denial! With just a little more attention to rhythm, this is a very good poem. A pleasure to read and left me smiling.


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