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1,547 Public Reviews Given
1,548 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.
I'm good at...
Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.
Favorite Genres
I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.
Favorite Item Types
I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.
Least Favorite Item Types
See previous section.
I will not review...
Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.
Public Reviews
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Review of Brad's Epiphany  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Melodrama? I'd have said Romance but then, it's your story not mine. Must admit that your choice of genre kept me open-minded about the story as I read, so that the ending came as a pleasant surprise. I'd have been more prepared had it been announced as Romance and that might have lessened the impact.

The story has plenty of interest for the reader regardless of its genre and I enjoyed reading it. To some extent, it's marred by a few typos and errors, however, and would benefit from a careful edit. There's also the redundancy of telling us twice in the first paragraph that Billings was the narrator's hometown. One of those needs to go.

Not sure about the significance of the Bible verse. I think you need to tie it more closely into what follows, perhaps in the final paragraph. Make sure the reader understands its importance in the culmination of the story.

There is a problem, too, in the final paragraph. You say that Brad never made it to Billings and then go on to tell us some of what happened. The problem arises because Brad also wonders what happens in his future. It's confusing because, if he's wondering about the future, how can he know that he never makes it to Billings? It presents the reader with a bit of a POV dilemma between the omniscient third party narrator and Brad's view of things. Probably best to replace the last three sentences with something like this: "And yes, Brad and Louise spent the rest of their lives together."

These are minor matters, however, and easily fixed. All in all, it's an enjoyable read.

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Review of Dandelion  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
A weed is just a p[lant that you don't want. And, if you love dandelions, they cannot be weeds therefore. I agree wholeheartedly with young Lisa that the dandelion is as pretty a flower as any.

This piece is a snapshot of life, a fine example of how we learn from our children, and find in their delight at the world a way back to the time when it was fresh and new to us also. I like it very much, since it has no pretensions to anything more than just a celebration of simple pleasure in things that may have become mundane to us.

The writing is very self-effacing, so that the reader stands with the narrator, watching the scene evolve and hearing her thoughts in the sight of a happy daughter exploring the world. The communication od those perfect moments is achieved without effort, a matter of simple language and straightforward intent. The result is a piece that stands out amongst other more flowery and complex works, illustrating the effectiveness of such a technique. Add to that the lack of errors and it's a very enjoyable piece indeed.

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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A story with a moral! Makes a nice change. It's well constructed, too, with the writing dwelling on the inner conflict of the lad wanting acceptance by the older boys but held back by fear and a deep-seated morality. The true struggle is after the deed is done, however, and the decision to return the contraband to the shopkeeper is the real reward for the overcoming of evil.

It was Trent's good fortune that the shopkeeper was so willing to forgive the offence in recognition of the boy's change of heart. Yet even the most hard-hearted of proprietors would press charges in such a case, I'm sure. So the outcome is not so unlikely as to induce disbelief in the reader - and that is the danger in morality tales, after all. We all know how hard a taskmaster is reality.

The text is almost error free (I found one typo but I'll let you search for it - if it matters) and the story is told with attention to detail without getting bogged down in unimportant issues. In all, it's a very competent piece of writing and an enjoyable read.

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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good opening chapter. The introduction to the main character was well paced and not so detailed as to lose interest, the setting described well and succinctly, and the action begun without delay. Certainly enough interest to hold the reader's initial attention. Then the unfolding story as Parker rides towards his father's place becomes gripping as he encounters the unexpected sight of a hat on post, multiplied by Parker's fright at inspecting the hat. It throws the reader into a mystery that must be solved and the final sentence of the chapter delivers the explanation.

It's a carefully thought out tale that is bound to entice the reader to continue further into the book. There are, however, several errors in detail that detract from the the enjoyment of the reader. These are minor matters that should be dealt with in a thorough edit. I list them below:

"howel..." I presume you meant, "Howl..."

"Rex jerked the reins from his hand, turned, and bolted back towards the cabin's barn. "Damn!" he said and pulled the brim of his hat down..." Reads as though the horse said, "Damn!"

"lighting and the thunder." Should be "lightning."

"he's back." Needs a capital at the start of the sentence.

Very minor things but they can spoil a good read. Otherwise, I think the chapter's very well done and most enjoyable.

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Review of Homecoming  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Poignant. It became clear halfway through the piece what was going on and, from that point on, it became very effective. Homecoming is indeed a solemn and sad ritual for those who don't survive and for those who have to attend to final goodbyes.

Before that, it is slightly confusing. Maybe I'm dumb but it took a while for me to sort out what the seven statues were. The one thing that I held on to as I read was the C-130. I know what that is, so then I had only to wait to find out whether the statues were inside or outside the plane to begin visualising the scene. How confusing must it be for those who don't understand the significance of the designation C-130, however? I think the piece would benefit from an immediate identification of the plane for those less used to military codes for aircraft. And what an oportunity, to describe the awe of such a sight, the immense size and fat-bellied presence of that lumbering beast approaching in the early morning!

Once the coffins have been announced, the scene becomes recognisable and the proper response evoked from the reader. That was all well done and we felt the great sadness of the Major as he went through the requirements of his position. A fitting tribute to the fallen indeed.

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Beholden
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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this a lot. Every now and again I come across the pantoum form and, each time, I have to be reminded of its requirements. You describe this as an imperfect pantoum, so I must presume that, in some way, it doesn't quite meet all the requirements. I have just reminded myself that it's mainly about counting syllables and I shall take your word on the imperfect aspect.

To me, it seems a lovely thing in itself, pantoum or not. And isn't that what poetry should be? That it should touch something in our beings without us ever knowing anything about the technical side of its construction. That seems sensible to me, and this poem does, as I have said, "reach me."

I think it's the fact that its rhythm achieves a chant that is perfectly suited to its subject. This is then reinforced by the repetition of certain lines, creating patterns in our minds as we read. There is something ephemeral and mysterious in the "pockets full of stones" (thoughts of suicide) as the narrator ventures further into the stream. This is then confirmed as the poem considers being carried by the stream to burial.

So it's a deeply disturbing poem in its subject but, at the same time, there is something beautiful in the pockets of stones and the hat and cane left on the bank. This is the true genius of the poem - the vivid details picked out in hallucinatory clarity without reason but so effective in conveying emotion. It's the depth of meaning and atmosphere that will bring the reader back to the poem again and again in an effort to understand. And yet full understanding is never possible because there are things in there that are far below conscious apprehension. It's a masterful piece, whether perfect pantoum or not. I can think of no way to improve it.

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Review of Wounds  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I told myself I would never review anything about domestic abuse since I have no experience in that arena - but now you've asked me the specific question and I feel duty bound to answer it.

Straight away, I must say that it's not as affecting a poem as some I have read. And that's a good thing. This one is more about making the decision to leave than it is wallowing in the experience. As such, it is easier for me to deal with.

There's definitely a rhythm to the lines and an unfulfilled promise of rhyming hangs in the air as a result. I think it's wise to stay away from rhyme in this case as that would lighten the tone further and detract from what is a very serious subject. Even the rhythm threatens this to some extent but the poem is saved by the decision at the end. The choice to leave is clear and so determined that the atmosphere, while still critical, is eased quite appropriately.

It reads like an interior argument with oneself. This is quite revealing of the thoughts running through the mind of anyone in this position, the constant battle to make the decision to leave against the fear of the unknown that results from such a decision. This is well done, although more evocative language would have brought the problem into sharper relief. We should always strive towards the best and most accurate words when describing such emotional thoughts. You need to fire me up with the drama of the situation. The use of the sticks and stones ditty, for instance, tends to make light of something that is very serious.

But it's a fine effort as something written to begin the process of exorcism of the pain.

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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Clever. And wonderfully atmospheric. I love the high flown language and stiff, formal address of another place and time, the understanding that has gone into the construction of this chilling little tale. The gradual revelation of the true nature of Paris is well suited to the period, as well. The confirmation of his nature at the end is long expected by the reader but this does not detract from the supernatural impact of the event. It's really most expertly done, with Paris' paleness being the first hint of his nature and then his coldness and ambiguous statements increasing our suspicions.

The one point where I had some minor trouble was in the names. The complication of three names for everyone and each person selecting different ones for use leads to some confusion in the reader. Henry also being Rufus I found particularly strange and had to check back to see that the same person was being referred to. I appreciate that it's part of the period to be so formal in address, but it would help if the names were a little more consistently used.

In conclusion, it's a gem of a tale, told with skill and historical understanding. Most enjoyable.

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Review of All Is Well  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Interesting take on what happens after death. It's all a picture of how it ought to be, perhaps. So much so that my cynical old self has thoughts of saccharine and sweet - but who is to say that's not just a worldly weary thought from a pessimist? This version has as much right to be true as anyone else's vision.

As a piece of writing, it's well written, flows well, and is flawless as regards errors or typos. I would advise staying away from clichés, however - "I could feel it in every fiber of my being." So much more expressive to say something like, "It felt essential to my existence."

You have also created a strong atmosphere to the piece, perhaps by allowing the true characteristic of the narrator to be revealed so slowly and without drama. It works well in that it fits with the quiet and peaceful ethos of the story. No sudden surprises in the last line then!

The story is a refreshing break from the cares and worries of the modern world. Well done!

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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very clever and amusing. If only our own problems were as easily resolved.

It's flash fiction, of course, being just a shade (pun intended) over two hundred words, so only fitting that the punch is saved for last. In this, I often think how like a joke is the flash fiction piece. And you have constructed the matter very finely, giving no hint of what is to be the solution until the appropriate time. We finish reading with a smile on our faces and I can say nothing better about a piece that is intended to amuse us.

The writing is light and humorous (I particularly like the fact that President Crayola was in a doodle), I found no errors or typos, and everything flows along smoothly all the way through. So you leave me with nothing to say except what a pleasant little tale this is. Applause!

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Review of ABC's of Our Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Another poem about love - but this one is different. At last we have one that celebrates rather than complains. It's a welcome breath of fresh air.

I checked your profile so I see that you're rather older than most who write in this subject, so that explains your more mature approach. Nevertheless, it's so pleasant to get some perspective for a change. Thank you.

Interesting form you've chosen too, with both rhyme and attention to metre. This is what really gives the poem some solid structure and holds the thoughts together. The discipline of sticking to a form is often what our confused thoughts and feelings need to present them in intelligible fashion. I like, too, the inclusion of some biology in the mention of X and Y chromosomes - now that's something you don't see in every poem!

Ultimately, it's a poem of gratitude and praise for a partner, an unusual thing in today's selfish world. I find myself sharing in your gratitude, for you've brightened my day. Thank you again.

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Review of So Thank You  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of So Thank You by {suser:jtann07)

Initial Impression:

Short lines, very succinct (no worries - I do the same sometimes). Discussing a break up and healing.

Title:

Interesting. Makes the reader wonder immediately if he is the one being thanked and, if so, what for. A great idea as long as the poem answers the questions (which it does).

Content:

This is where I have to become less enthusiastic. To be honest, break up and heartache is the subject of the vast majority of poetry written by young females and many males too. So the field is cluttered and the market somewhat jaded by overindulgence. It's the kind of thing (emotional purging) we all do on occasion and should really be kept as a personal thing. It all helps toward more experience of writing so it's not wasted, but very hard to be different and refreshing for the reader.

Having said which, your poem is a little different from most in that it contains the solution you found. Most just wallow in their misery and you do well to avoid this. But try not to cast blame - one gets tired of reading about woes that are always caused by the other party. In truth, we all have a part to play in our failed relationships. Consider how shockingly different these words in Dido's song are and how they make us take notice:

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again

When writing for others to read, it's so important to be new and different from all the others writing about the same thing. And that means taking a step back from complete immersion in your experience and having a view with reason included as well as emotion.

This is the only reason I'm not giving you five stars as a rating - take time for the emotions to settle down a bit then write another on on the same subject. And write one for your new friend too!

Style:

I like the simplicity and directness of your writing. You retain a natural way with words that, although unadorned, has a breath of vivid presence in it. For instance: "A person as wild as waves
As calm as night."

As you write more, try experimenting with longer lines while not abandoning the short ones.

Flow/Pace:

Slightly patchy, although this is almost inevitable with poetry divided into stanzas and verses. Each stanza reads like a new thought, as though they were exploding from you as you write. It's not a problem but something to be aware of. Best to have some sort of thread that runs through the whole, connecting the various thoughts.

Suggestions:

I think I've made all those I have already. ;)

Favourite line or part:

Definitely the "wild as waves" thing.

Overall Impression:

Practice, that's what you should do. There is enough in this little poem to convince me that you can write. Add to that the absence of errors and typos and you're well on your way. Well done.

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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Review of The Empty Coffers of Recompense by Joto-Kai Author Icon

Initial Impression:

A rather convoluted but fascinating tale of a journey and battle to rid a town of a controlling ghost. It reads as a continuation of a larger story, which it may be but, if it is intended as a second book in a series, more information is required to ease the reader into an understanding of what has gone before. Otherwise much of it is hard to understand.

Title:

Interesting and unusual. A slightly different use of the word "recompense" than is expected in English but this adds to the mystique and attraction of the piece. I think it sells the piece well enough.

Content:

Lots to say here. I made notes as I read and it would be best if I just copy them in here, rather than get too long-winded as is my tendency.

Notes

A word count would help.

Very long.

In the first sentence, it's not clear what Perrin is lifting. It's a brief hiccup until we realise you must mean the cart, but that's enough to put the reader off right at the start.

Timing is a bit of a problem in the next sentences. We're told that the horse pulled the cart over the tree branch but only then does Oliver decide to do something about the obstruction. It would make more sense for him to magic it out of the way in the first place.

Good job of introducing the characters in the first few sentences. Perrin has a pig face, Oliver is a wizard, and Sigrun is female and hoping for guidance from Oliver. Neat.

Be careful with POV. "Oliver pushed his glasses up on his nose. 'It's not…' But it was. If she could not smell the demon's intent, her second sight amounted to a curse of madness. She shook her head and met his gaze." You switch without warning from Oliver to Sigrun's thoughts here so that it's unclear who is doing the thinking.

Oops. Suddenly you start talking from the POV of a narrator. Is this a fourth character? He or she is riding in the wagon apparently. I think you mean Sigrun but wouldn't you be I right from the start in that case? Very confusing.

Still problems with POV. Voices tend to come out of a fog of possible speakers because you're not identifying the speaker often enough. If you're going straight from action to dialogue, the reader needs to know who is speaking - otherwise the statement is assigned to the one who has been acting and sometimes that's incorrect. Forget whatever you've been told about dialogue tags and put them in unless you've established a conversational pattern.

Beautiful descriptions.

Just for information: A blackbird is not a raven and only crows gather to make a murder. I think you mean black bird (subtle difference - all ravens are black birds but they're not blackbirds).

"I shrugged and climbed back on the wagon toward the town center." Did you wait until the wagon was closer to the town centre or was it on its way there? I would just leave out "toward the town centre:" or say "on its way to the town centre."

"I slowed the horse. 'Ahoy yourself.'" I thought Perrin was driving?

"With the town center is haunted:" "Is" is unnecessary.

Good characterisation, especially with Perrin. I think he's already my favourite character.

The conversation in the inn is very hard to understand. It may have relevance for what follows but it should be clearer in that case. As it is, it seems mostly an unnecessary diversion from the story. I like the bits that give insight into Perrin's character but much of the banter is lost on me.

Needs dividing into chapters - too long otherwise. A good place for the first break is where you have inserted a row of asterisks to indicate a pause. But the chapter should be made obvious by having a title or number.

There are spelling errors and typos scattered throughout the text but I leave these to you to find on an intensive edit.

Your descriptions are very good - quite poetic at times. Definitely keep them.

"had been granted my aunt and uncle their land" I think you mean "my aunt and uncle's land."

"Perrin weighed like a small horse, and his armor weighed him down." Swift repetition of the word "weighed." Avoid it by saying "Perrin was as heavy as a small horse."

Merdin seems to change his name to Alwyn towards the end of the text.

Style:

Again, interesting. I am presuming that English is not your first language and this gives you a very different turn of phrase from the usual. I like it and consider that this gives the text a flavour of the difference experienced in another world. This also supplies your descriptions with a fresh and unhackneyed method of expression that is quite delightful. If I were you, I'd cut back on some of the dialogue (much of which seems strange and inexplicable, relying on knowledge the reader does not have, as it does) and describing the environment a lot more. Your style is definitely the really arresting aspect of the piece and makes it stand out against the competition.

Flow/Pace:

Some of the plot turns seem a little pointless but that may be because I don't understand what has gone before. The pace is quite consistent, however, so I wouldn't attempt to change anything at this stage.

Suggestions:

Include a word count. Reviewers prefer to know what they're committing themselves to and you will find it useful in assessing how to divide your writing into chapters and sections.

Overall Impression:

It needs some work, particularly in minor detail but overall I think it's a fascinating story and ideal for your style and approach. You may need to add some explanation of things that have been explained in previous writing, especially if this is just an exerpt from a much larger work. But the atmosphere you build is excellent and the plot good too.



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Beholden
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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very clever. A surprisingly different approach to time travel and a very imaginative story as a result. Don't we all wish that we could turn the clocks back a little when late for things? I liked the way the text of the book fitted in (cool idea to use a different font rather than the usual quotation marks or italics).

I thought it was very brave of the writer to allow the book to end in the death of the hero, expecting as I did that the book was predictive of what was happening in real life. But this made it all the more unexpected and strengthened the ending as a result.

The poet in you makes occasional appearances too - "Lightning strikes were exclamation points in some heavenly argument." Such vivid expression is always a good way to inject light and interest into a story. It's a well written tale that is refreshing in its invention and presentation. If there is a weakness, it's that the story does tend to drag a little in the middle. The repeat circumstance of going down below, working for a while, and then returning on deck, only to go back and again be inspired to write more, slowed things down somewhat. It might be an idea to compress these events a little, perhaps even combining them into one.

But, apart from that (and it's a minor quibble), the story is very good and most enjoyable. I liked it a lot.

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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very effective description of the bodily processes from human to werewolf. Written a few werewolf stories myself, so it was interesting to read your very detailed account of the transformation. It's excellent, although there's some repetition of phrases towards the end that look as though they might be the remains of a later edit.

I'm thinking particularly of "Next time you will listen when someone tells you something" and "You see, we are almost done. Accept this Shawn." Both phrases occur word for word in different parts of the narrative. The repetition is sufficient to throw a reader off, wondering if he has somehow slipped back to an earlier point in the story. I would adjust the wording to say the same thing but in different ways.

Apart from that, this is a powerful piece of writing, creating a very clear picture of the changes. If it has a problem, it's that it needs to go somewhere, to be part of a much longer story. As it is, it's a great description but, in the end, can only offer some thoughts on what it must be like to be a werewolf. It needs more story, an adventure of some sort to complete the experience. Perhaps a twist in the tail (tale) to give it a reason to exist. Anything to surprise the reader and utilise the horror created.

A fine piece of work, even so.

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Review of Introverts  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a finely judged, unobtrusive piece that makes no promises but delivers a warm glow in the end. It is as simple as flash fiction demands, yet has depths unsuspected. There's a wealth of experience in the two characters' recognition of their common humanity.

The writing is simple too, straightforward and unadorned, yet very personal and engrossing. At the end we're happy that things work out so well but wanting more in that we'd like to know what happens afterwards if both lives were changed. Is this a romantic story of love that results in marriage? Or a matter of developing friendship. Or even a passing moment that is remembered forever, in spite of so brief an encounter? We'll never know and that's good writing too - since it makes us think and wonder.

And this whole spell is uninterrupted by typos or errors. It's a pretty story with much to say. Uncomplicated but revealing. Well done.

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Beholden
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Review of The Sort  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
An interesting and thought-provoking take on a very recent and important subject. You succeed excellently in revealing the ultimately pointlessness of the task set, and the nature of the worker not being revealed until very near the end provides the story with the kick that it needs to come alive.

This is a horrifying glance into a future that now seems too close to scoff at. I'm particularly impressed by the way you scaled up the requirements as they were listed, going from apparently difficult but attainable in some cases to absurdly unlikely and inevitably the stumbling block to all applicants. It's very cleverly set up and awaiting the final reveal that makes sense of it all. If there is any sense in the task.

You have written a powerful piece in very few words (you should really give a word count, not only for the information of a prospective reader, but also for yourself - it helps in ways that will surprise you), a gem of a flash fiction piece. Well done indeed.

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Review of Patterns  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Interesting little story based on some complex family relationships and a cat. Although the cat is mainly there for colour. But I like very much the way you have hinted at deep, underlying passions behind the actions. Very much show and not tell.

It's also an excellent example of how much can be made of perfectly ordinary situations. When one is sensitive to unspoken tensions, whole dramas become apparent in everyday life. And the narrator picks his way through the pitfalls, even avoiding a spectacular fall at the last moment, so that the reader fully appreciates the knife edge on which he lives.

I am reminded of a repeated exchange from a movie I watched recently: How was the pie?" "All pie is good." And, it seems this story has the same philosophy in its regard for the supposedly insignificant things in life. A fine story created from very little.

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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is certainly different. And that should be enough to like it. Just the exercise of the imagination that dreamt of this scenario, is a matter for others to doff their hats. But there's more to it than that. The fact that the cause of Cavendish's woes are sprites and spirits stirs deep ancestral memories of other stories, stories originating in a time when humanity lived much closer to the edge of the unknown. This skilfully but unobtrusively introduces a darkness to the tale that adds to the horror. Very well done.

There's a pleasing Victorian atmosphere to the piece, the gruff old aristocrat discussing his plant collecting adventures and his guest, the cloistered and rather innocent cleric - it speaks of a time and place more genteel than ours. It's quite a gem of a tale as a result.

Add to that the fact that I found no errors, grammatical or technical, and I have to say this is a very well constructed piece. A most enjoyable read.

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Review of "Don't be silly!"  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
A charming little tale for children, and one for the adults with young hearts too. I particularly like the way you made it circular in that the story sets out in departure and ends in return, as well as the repetition of the opening line in the closing. Ties everything up very neatly.

Your style is very straighforward and simple, perfectly appropriate for your target audience, while not stinting on colour and place. If there is a weakness at all, it is that I would like to have been told a bit more about the talking animals, fairies, mysterious creatues, etc. Just a little description of a few so that the reader gets a taste of the reality of them, instead of being told in general terms.

But that is ignoring the fact of it being a contest entry. I know full well how a word limit can constrain one from giving full value in a story. I like the idea of magic marbles (better than those tired old beans) so, if you ever decided to expand the story, I'm sure it would be a great success.

Not a single typo or error to complain about, too. Altoigether a job very well done!

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Review of My Dad  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very powerful piece. I particularly like the bare, unadorned and unsentimental style, releasing facts in logical order so that the reader understands and can respond in appropriate manner, without becoming too involved and emotional. We all have sadnesses in our past and it's having survived them that really matters.

Your story is one of adversity overcome and the attainment of some peace in the end. The reader is inevitably impressed with the hardships of your early life, yet you do not parade them as a badge of suffering but state things as you understand them from the distance of your mature self. The result is a fine piece of writing, achieving its intent with few words and absolute accuracy of expression.

The balance you have reached between acceptance of the past and embracing your present is well deserved. I'm sure that all readers will wish with you for that one, final, and gifted meeting between your father and you.

As I said, this is a powerful piece.

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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review of The Living Fourth: Chapters 1 and 2

Initial Impression:

Very interesting. Shades of Victor of Aveyron, a mythic and legendary feel to the whole thing. Very compelling in these two chapters, raising a million questions.

Title:

I must presume that there is meaning in the title but I cannot discern it after reading two chapters. Not sure that this is a good tactic. It has the attraction of mystery, yes, but will it draw the readers that you want to take a closer look? It's a difficult choice and one only you can make.

Content:

You have avoided the usual fantasy author's pitfall of indulging in a description and explanation of the world you've invented before commencing the story. The way you're doing it is correct - to throw the reader straight into the story and allow details of the world to come out as you go, with the reader supplying enough to fill any gaps left. Much more effective than a big info dump.

The style is very straightforward and simple, contributing to a feeling of myth that prevails in the story. I admit that, when I saw the length of the chapters, I was a little daunted and had a mental whine about the lack of a word count. Having read them, I have to say that they flow so easily and smoothly that one is finished almost too soon. Your style is such that the length of passages counts for nothing - the reader is impelled onward by the need to know more.

I made a few notes as I was reading and I'll copy them in here for your information:

Opening is very compelling - interesting conversation between Yearlit and the boy.

Reminiscent of the wild boy stories (Victor of Aveyron).

Has a flavour of myth and legend too.

Interesting first chapter. No idea where it's going but the few facts assembled so far are intriguing.

"Scam" seems a word too modern for the tale.

"Gaurd that satchel well lad..." should be "Guard" of course.

That last point is very relevant - it's the only typo or mistake that I found in the text. That's important in impressing any potential publisher with your editing skills. Keep producing stuff of this quality and you should attain success.

Style:

Delightfully simple and unaffected. It establishes a mythic atmosphere immediately and retains it all the way through. The only worry I have in this connection is that it may prove difficult to sustain, both for you and the reader. I can imagine it becoming tedious after a while, particularly with anything the length of a book. So it's a great start but you need to think about how to continue.

This is exactly what happened to Tolkien when he write The Hobbit. He began in simple mode since he was writing for children. But, as time went on, this slipped away and his writing became more and more sophisticated. There are two possibilities: either he forgot who he was writing for in the excitement of writing his fantasy at last, or the gradual change is deliberate and reflects the increase in Bilbo's knowledge and experience as his adventure continued. I prefer to think that it's the second suggestion.

Anyway, I would suggest that you allow this to influence the way you continue the book. As the reader goes along, he's learning more about the world in which Damanul lives, so it makes sense that his understanding should grow to include the nuances, the greys as well as the black and whites of a straightforward style. It's just a suggestion, however.

Flow/Pace:

Very good. Pace is ideal, expecially after the sudden plunge into the story at the beginning. It's quick without becoming too hard to keep up with and allowing time for description and explanation.

The flow is good too, with everything following a natural order and no sudden hiccups or gaps.

Suggestions:

I have no more than the one concerning the development of style. That might come about through practice anyway. But I love the book so far and wouldn't dare to suggest anything that might spoil it. You seem to have good instincts. I would suggest you stick with them.

Overall Impression:

A fascinating introduction. I can't imagine readers having the desire to stop reading. The story has immense potential and you have the skills to make it great. Keep writing - that's my advice.

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Review of Lesson  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Haha, very clever. This is a neat little tale, nicely constructed, bare of unnecessary ornament, and containing a lesson for us all. And the justification of Sam's action is a masterpiece of convoluted and dubious thinking.

It actually makes for a very good example of flash fiction, being devoid of irrelevant detail, focused very cleanly upon the goal, and delivering its punch without fanfare but with maximum effect. The fact that it is composed almost entirely of dialogue is another pointer toward a highly effective piece of writing. If pure dialogue suits any kind of writing, it is surely flash fiction.

Highly enjoyable little tale. Well done.

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Review of Stare-master  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
A tidy, innocent little tale with a nice jolt of ironic observation at the end to give it spice. Your first sentence is perhaps a tad long and might be better split into two. Not that I'm against long sentences, being quite fond of them in fact, but this one takes us on one too many little trips, I think. It's a minor matter that does little to damage the impact of the story.

More intrusive is your devotion to the word "noticing." It's a little too noticeable. Once is fine, more becomes repetitive, especially as there are plenty of synonyms available to introduce a little variety. Again, a minor matter but one you might wish to attend to.

Other than that, the only slight doubt I have is the matter of the fitness guy being spun around the cable twice. Did he really have enough momentum from jogging to make two revolutions? Seems a bit of a stretch - I'd limit him to one.

There are all a bit picky points, however, and probably wouldn't be noticed by most readers. The story itself is a good one, especially in that it's readily believable, set in a time and place we all understand, and satisfying to our natural enjoyment of pride encountering its natural nemesis. A most enjoyable read and pass the donuts, please.

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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, it's a delightful little tale with a sound and meaningful message. Considering its brevity, it packs quite a punch! It does, however, need just a little more editing polish to be superb.

There are two matters that need attention, one quite minor, the other a matter of grammar. One is that, in the sentence, "She...was enveloped in a fragrance so charming" you would do better to tell us why it was so charming. It's an opinion, you see, and mine might be very different from yours. So you have to convince me - and smells are best described by likening them to something else. It might be better, for instance, to say "a fragrance like warm cinnamon on a sunny afternoon." Conveys so much more than the word "charming."

Later you offer this statement: "Oh I know what I want!" exclaimed the girl, peace, happiness and love for everyone... (the ellipsis is not really appropriate here but I'll not carp about this one because everyone's entitled to an occasional ellipsis) this should be a separate paragraph because it's now the girl's turn to speak, and you've omitted quotation marks around the second part of her statement. It should be "peace, happiness and love for everyone."

Apart from those two minor quibbles, it's really a lovely little story and I like it very much. It delivers so much food for thought after pretending to be so ordinary. Well done!

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