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126
126
Review of Deepest Blue  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hello T.L.Finch !

I read your "Deepest Blue"  as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This was a beautiful tribute to a fallen soldier. I love the way you intertwine the color deepest blue in both the first stanza and the last stanza. It really ties everything together with the title!


*Dragon* Something to Think About

I think you point out something very real in this poem - and that is how important it is to remember those who gave all, the ones who sacrifice everything.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

I did not find any issues that needed to be addressed in this poem. Your rhythm was spot-on, the rhyme felt natural. That being said, I have no suggestions.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

I love the way you described the fallen soldier's actions as being propelled by love - and I could feel the love in this poem. I also felt the terrible sadness of knowing that another soldier won't be coming home to his family - but instead went home to God. I think my favorite part was:

"He gave the greatest gift he had
that only comes with love
and earned him a very favored place;
in the heart of God above."

I love reading this stanza over and over again, because it talks about the soldier giving the greatest gift he could - love - to the point of sacrificing himself to save his brothers in arms. This poem is absolutely beautiful!


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


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*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! *Dragon*


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127
127
Review of Double Wide  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon !

I read your "Double Wide"  as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This personifies the typical redneck, country folks so well. Your descriptions were awesome! I could picture this woman right in front of me, all the while, laughing because of how ridiculous it sounds when you think about it. Great job here!


*Dragon* Something to Think About

I think that no matter where we go, there's always that person that reminds us of this lady - whether by looks or personality....or even the tramp stamp on her back.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

I didn't see any errors or distractions. As far as suggestions, I must say, I have none. This was well-written as well as funny.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

I laughed as I read this because I could relate to it in the fact that I see people like this every day, in many different places...the grocery store, the gas station, WalMart (of course!)

I think my favorite part, though, was the last stanza -

"The years have passed. Our love has grown;
our passion has not been abated
by time or the discovery
that we are closely blood-related."

It, sadly to say, is the way a lot of folks think when it comes to us "country folk" - that we are all blood related....even if that's not the case. You did an awesome job personifying this.

These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


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*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! *Dragon*


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128
128
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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Hello ♥Hooves♥ !

I read your "A Word To The Herd"  as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

I enjoyed reading this. And I must say, I agree with every bit of what you have suggested here. There are those who never say "Thank moo," or have other questionable behaviors that I try to avoid, if at all possible.


*Dragon* Something to Think About

This really got me to thinking, "Do I follow through on everything?" "Do I thank everybody who has helped me out or given me a review?" "A Word To The Herd"  could pretty much be summed up (with normal common sense,) as the "Golden Rule of WDC" - Do unto others....something that will go a long way in maintaining friendships - and making new friends.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

I would like to suggest that you make your post-scripts a wee bit bigger and maybe bold them. It might help show that you are updating this as needed.

There are two ideas I would like to see addressed, as I run into them from time to time on here.

1) Proper chat etiquette for Scroll and Instant Messenger within WDC. More than a few times, I have seen users post their grievances in chat, rather than emailing StoryMistress or StoryMaster...or even speaking with the person they are offended with. When this happens, it is irritating to me because I don't usually want to hear about troubles between users. I come to WDC to unwind, work on my craft, and spend time with my WDC friends - not to play matchmaker/therapist/mediator.

2) In the newsfeed, and I don't see this often, but I do see it from time to time, is users post in the newsfeed that they are looking for a "friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc." or posting a sales website that has nothing to do with writing or books that they've written, and the user has no personal stake in the website.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

Thank you for taking the time to write this. Someone needed to. If everyone went by this, life on WDC would be perfect! I enjoyed reading this....it makes perfect sense. Great job on this.


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


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*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! *Dragon*


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129
129
Review of Miguel's Duty  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Hello Christopher Roy Denton !

I read your "Miguel's Duty"  as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

Wow. This was action-packed, that is for sure. I was sitting on the edge of my seat as I read about Miguel's attempt to save the President. I also felt the doubt he felt as he protected a man who hated or in the very least, disliked Latinos and women. I could feel the pain from being shot rip through Miguel as he fulfilled his duty to protect the President.


*Dragon* Something to Think About

I love how this story reads - action-packed, no unnecessary details that take away from the story, and I could picture the scene unfolding in front of me. Awesome job on this.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

My only suggestion would be that (and it may be that you write this as part of a book or longer story,) is that when Miguel saw his daughter, Isabella in his mind, a description of what she looked like might make this hit closer to home for your reader.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

I would love to see this story expanded into a book - with different chapters revealing all the different duties involved in protecting the President that Miguel faces. I can picture myself sitting on my couch, riveted by the action-packed, intense story of a Secret Service Agent named Miguel, whose only assignment was to protect the President, and how he does it. Great job on this - Very well written!


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


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*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! *Dragon*


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130
130
Review of To The Surface  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello WritingWalter !

I read your "To The Surface"  as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This was an interesting poem - both fictional story and yet, it proves a point of how we can achieve our dreams if we just take the time to chase them and believe in them. Way to go!


*Dragon* Something to Think About

With poetry, I always try to read mine aloud to myself, as if I've never seen them before. This helps show where there may be a flaw in the rhythm, or I may see a word change that will help get across what I am saying better than the one I've chosen. This is a great tool for any writer, regardless of the type of writing, really - but especially helpful in poetry.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

I only have one suggestion - go through your poem and make sure that the punctuation is consistent throughout - and that it helps the rhythm. I noticed that in all of your stanzas except the last one, the punctuation seemed to be consistent, but in the last stanza, the only punctuation is the exclamation point at the end of the first line. Other than this, I think you did very well.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

I have never really read steampunk genre before today, but after reading your poem, I am starting to wonder why - you did very well on this poem overall, and I love how you show the way the princess chased her dream and wouldn't let it go. This made the point of showing us that if we believe in our dreams and take the necessary steps, we can make our dreams come true.


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! *Dragon*


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131
131
Review of Story  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello Subhro !

I read your "Story"  as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This is a wonderful story that teaches us a valuable lesson in being wise, accepting what we have, and not coveting what we don't have. Beautiful work!


*Dragon* Something to Think About

I believe that better descriptions of what the old couple looked like, mannerisms, and environment (like where they live, what their house looks like, etc.) would really take this story a long way! I think also describing what Yaksha and Kubera look like would really help me as a reader be able to picture the scene.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

Other than what I mentioned above, which I really think would make this story pop, I only have one suggestion. In your first paragraph, the first sentence seems long. Maybe break it up a bit, make two sentences out of it. The length it is now kind of made me stumble just a bit.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

You really have a great story here, and I believe with just a bit of revision and adding more descriptions, it would really pop. The key here is to "show" what's going on, not "tell." Don't give up on this - it's great, and could even be the beginning of an awesome book of short stories along the theme of wisdom and folklore. Great job!



These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! Let me also welcome you to the wonderful world of WDC, a community where writers help writers! I hope you make lots of friends and enjoy your time here. *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! *Dragon*


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132
132
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hello PartsPerMillion !

I read your "I am better then you"  as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This seems to be a good start to a story, maybe even two stories. That being said, there are a few things that I think would help clarify the story to your readers and make this just a bit easier to read.


*Dragon* Something to Think About

I believe you have a concept here that could easily be either two stories, or one story, with parts of it being separate chapters. One chapter could be the relationship between Kahn and Adam, while another concentrates on the relationship between Adam and his father. Also, I was wondering if there was a specific reason that you had the word "suicide" in bold?


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

Double check your word usage and the spellings of those words based on meanings. One example is your title/theme - "I am better then you."...should read "I am better than you." Simple misspellings like that can alter the meanings of entire sentences. Also, make sure of the plural spellings for words - see www.grammerly.com for help on this as well.

Checking your grammar and punctuation is also a great place to start. One example is:
"After more year of lose and desperation Kahn decided to commit suicide." Try "After ten more years of loss and desperation, Kahn decided to commit suicide." One awesome website I have found that will help out with the grammar is www.grammerly.com

Formatting - Either indenting the first line of a paragraph, justifying your paragraphs, and adding an empty line between paragraphs would really help the reader be able to stay focused on what they are reading.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

Please do not be offended by my comments - I am merely trying to help make this the best it can be - You really have a good start here, and with some careful editing, it can be great! I think you really have a good idea here.


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! I would also like to wish you a warm welcome to WDC. This is an awesome community and I hope you enjoy your time here! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! *Dragon*


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133
133
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello ♥Hooves♥ !

I read your "The Bovine Legend of Finnegan"  as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This definitely sounds like an adventure! I couldn't help but read all the way through to see what happened in the end. Beautifully done!


*Dragon* Something to Think About

I really didn't see much that you could improve upon other than what I mention in the next area of things you might want to work on. The rhythm and flow worked well, and it made for an easy read. Maybe, if anything, a description of what Finnegan looked like - was he black and white? reddish brown? muscular or scrawny? Just a thought.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

"And so he wandered day and night,
Over field and emerald green.
From Cork to Connemara,
past many lads and some colleens."

I do not believe that the word "Over" needs to be capitalized since it is not the beginning of a sentence, but a continuation from line 1.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

This was definitely an interesting read - who would have thought that a bovine would have saved an entire country? Definitely an adventure I would love to see in person, for sure. And of course, it goes along the theme of your name on WDC - Hooves!!! Nicely done!


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! *Dragon*


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134
Review of His-Story  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello Inarticulate !

I read your "His-Story"  as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

What a wonderful way to share the story of our Lord! The title alone got my attention, but then when I read the description showing it was about Jesus, I had to read it. This was beautiful - and so true on so many levels. Wonderful job!


*Dragon* Something to Think About

I've learned a lot as a writer over the last few years, and one thing I've learned is that there's no need to capitalize the first word of every line - just the ones that start a new sentence or thought.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

The only thing I noticed is the capitalization of the first word of every line, but there were other places you used capitals where they didn't have to be capital letters. Here's an example:

"He was a lover of Man, Just and Kind
We were the only thing in His mind.
Oh! Such Great was the Love, Deep was the Loss
On the mount of Calvary when we put Him upon the cross."

Try this:

"He was a lover of man, just and kind,
We were the only thing in His mind.
Oh! So great was the love, deep was the loss,
On the Mount of Calvary when we put Him upon the Cross."

These are just my thoughts. Also, try reading your poem aloud, as if you'd never seen it before. This will help you with rhythm and flow, something every poem must have.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

You are off to a really great start. As a fellow Christian, I absolutely love this poem, and I believe with just a few minor tweaks, this could be awesome. You really highlight His love for us, and how His sacrifice proves His love. Beautiful job on this poem.


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! Welcome to WDC! I hope and pray that you enjoy this site as much as I do, and that you make lots of new friends. We are here to write, read and support each other in our writing journeys. I love this community, and I hope you love it as much as I do.*Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! *Dragon*


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135
135
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello Buckky !

I read your "Not Enough For The Person Who created Me"  as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This poem shares a lot of pain. Having been abandoned by someone who is supposed to love you is not easy - I know...been there, done that. Good job on portraying this.


*Dragon* Something to Think About

One thing that makes poetry great is imagery - maybe a bit more imagery in this poem might help it hit home with your readers.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

I noticed that you never capitalized the word "I." I'm not sure if you did this on purpose or not, but it made me take a double look.

Also, I noticed the rhythm seemed to be just a wee bit off. Try reading this out loud to yourself - and although it seems difficult, try to read it as if you were not the writer - like you had never seen it before. This will help you determine where the rhythm is off and be able to fix it.


*Dragon* Closing Comments

Overall, this is a good poem. I think you are on the right track here, and with just a bit of minor revision, it will turn into a masterpiece. Most of us have experienced the pain of being abandoned - and can relate to the pain in your poem. Never let others tell you that you aren't good enough - you are! Keep your head up!


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! Welcome to the WDC community! This truly is a great site to read, write and receive feedback on your works! I hope your time on WDC is great and that you learn a lot and make tons of new friends! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! *Dragon*


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136
136
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello Craig Henders !

I read your ""Just keep it..." (Daily F.F. Challenge)"  as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This was an interesting read - I always love stories that involve panic as a deadline looms! You really captured the heat of the moment when Kelly realized the date - and the significance of that date. Wonderful job in this.


*Dragon* Something to Think About

The formatting, the syntax, grammar and spelling seemed to be without error. This shows the reader that you care about what you are writing. Great job here!


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

I would love to know more about what Kelli and Kari look like. It might help make the story more real for the reader. Other than that, I didn't see any issues that needed to be addressed - well done!


*Dragon* Closing Comments

Your surprise ending - wow! I would have never suspected that! It's an awesome ending to a wonderful story that really keeps the reader on the edge of their seat - it did for me! You definitely have a gift to putting words into stories, and ""Just keep it..." (Daily F.F. Challenge)"  is a wonderful example of this talent.


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! Let me also extend a warm welcome to the WDC Community! It is an awesome community full of writers and readers - all working together to help support each other and our craft. I hope you enjoy the time you spend here!*Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! *Dragon*


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137
137
Review of Unlucky Seven  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hello Fictiøn Ðiva the Wørd Weava !

I read your "Unlucky Seven"  as part of my participation with "The House of Targaryen" in the "Game of Thrones" event this month.



*Dragon* General Impression

This was very interesting for me to read. It seemed like I was reading a story about a man who had lost his wife and was trying to get back into dating. However, the ending totally took me by surprise! Way to go for an unexpected ending!


*Dragon* Something to Think About

I know this is flash fiction, and for a flash fiction story, you did an awesome job! However, I would like to see if you could add more description of what Regina looked like, what Smith looked like, and what the cabin and the woods looked like.


*Dragon* Things You Might Want to Work On

There was only one sentence that made me do a double-take:

"The pop pop of two gunshots sounded off."

I think it might read better as, "Just then, the pop pop of two shots rang out."

I don't think you need to say "gunshots," as it is evident from previous paragraphs that there were guns involved.

Other than that, this story really flowed well. Great job!


*Dragon* Closing Comments

I really loved "Unlucky Seven" ! It had a mystery about it, but the ending - it almost reminded me of those old mafia stories. You did a very good job on this, and it was very well-written.


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

Happy Writing! *Dragon2*

B.M. Ray


*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! *Dragon*


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138
138
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This had me sitting on the edge of my seat! I enjoyed reading this. The formatting, the spelling and grammar, seemed perfect. I can remember times when "bottle rocket wars" were fun....and yes, stupid...This is an awesome tale, but so much we can learn from this! Write on!

Bonnie
139
139
Rated: E | (5.0)
The rhythm of this poem worked well with the flow. You have very good life lessons here. I didn't see any issues that needed to be dealt with. I think this poem speaks to what we all desire - being able to live in peace and happiness. Keep up the wonderful writing!

Bonnie
140
140
Review of Day of The Potter  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Whitemorn !

I just read your item, "Day of The Potter"   by Whitemorn , and would like to share my humble thoughts with you. Please bear in mind these are just my thoughts. Use what works for you and discard the rest. But whatever you do, KEEP WRITING!!


*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*Rhythm and Flow:*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*


The rhythm and flow of this poem seemed to work out pretty well. The only times that I felt the flow falter were in the first stanza and the third stanza. My suggestion would be to read the poem out loud to yourself, slowly...and see if you can feel where the rhythm falter. The first stanza was the only place where I noticed this. Overall, well done with the rhythm and flow.

*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*Adherence to Style/Form:*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*


I interpreted this to be free-verse poetry. I absolutely love free-verse poetry because it doesn't constrain the writer to certain syllable counts. Your poem does have meter and a rhyming that works really well. Great job!

*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*Ability to Relate:*DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB**DropB*


I am not a potter, but through your poem, I was able to get the feel through your descriptions. I think you did a wonderful job here so that as I read, I could picture the sign above the store, picture the shelves with the molds and creations on them. I could see a potter sitting at the pottery wheel, making a vase or a bowl. Beautiful job here.

*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*Word Usage:*DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG**DropG*


Your word usage was simple and easy to understand. I didn't find myself tripping over words or having to go to a dictionary to look something up. This makes it so much easier for a reader to enjoy your poem and picture the scene as they are reading. You did fantastic here!

*DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO*Final Thoughts:*DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO**DropO*


"tomorrow new treasures you'll find..." This was my favorite line in the poem because it leaves us with the hope for what we will find tomorrow.

I really enjoyed reading about the potter in this poem.

What really made it sink in even more for me was your end note where you talk about the history of pottery in your family with your mother, grandmother and aunts. This helps us understand why this poem was so personal for you. Thank you for including this.

This was a wonderful read!

Thank you for sharing your poem! If you have any questions about this review, please feel free to contact me. Keep writing!



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141
141
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Interesting story! This was well written, and I could visualize the journalist taking pictures and writing short-hand notes about the invasion of cows to downtown Memphis. I did see one thing that caught my attention.

"I man with the local Tennessee accent raved about how I, assuming I was Mr. Livingston, needed to get my best reporter outside right now to see the spectacle unfolding." Did you mean to say, "The man with the local Tennessee accent....."

Other than that, you did an awesome job on this! Very well done! Keep up the wonderful writing!

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142
142
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was hilarious! I loved it!

"cause the aliens are comin'
to kill us at noon." - wondering if "to kill us all at noon." would flow better. When I was reading it, I kept saying "all" even though you didn't have the word there.

"and she's all that we got.!" - do you need both the period and the exclamation point? Also, I was wondering if "and she's all we've got!" would flow better.

Overall, very well done and I laughed as I read through it. Just out of curiosity, how did the UFO picture almost get you into trouble?

Write on!


Bonnie
143
143
Review of Stairway  
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was beautiful. The rhythm, the rhyme scheme and the flow all worked beautifully together. My favorite was the entire first stanza. I can relate to that so well. The shortness of of this also works, although I must admit, I wouldn't have minded it being a bit longer. Keep up the wonderful writing!

Bonnie
144
144
Review of Death Chamber  
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, willwilcox!


I just read your item, "Death Chamber"  and would like to share my humble thoughts with you Please bear in mind these are just my thoughts. Use what works for you and discard the rest.


Plot:

The plot in this story was well-written. It flowed very well throughout the story and yet, still left some elements up to the reader's imagination. Beautifully done!

Characterization:

Your characters were realistic and authentic, an important element when writing a story or chapter such as this. My only suggestion would be a better description of Jerome Hawkins. Other than his height, we really don't have any idea of what he looks like. However, on the other hand, it was very easy for me to picture Simon Franks. Overall, well done on your characterizations.

Grammar:

Your grammar was spot-on. The grammar used in the dialogue between the characters was authentic to the way they talk and their mannerisms. You did very well on this!

Flow of Chapter or Story:

The flow of this story was natural and followed the plot from beginning to end. This made it very easy to follow the story and what was going on. Well done!

Dialogue:

The dialogue was natural to the characters involved. My only suggestion here is that when Jerome says,

“Yeah, yeah, door’s open...come on in!”

Personally, if I was tired and just wanted to come home, I would have just said,

"Yeah, yeah, door's open." I would not have just invited them in - especially if I was at work.

Other than that, I was able to relate to the dialogue between the characters and it was authentic. Again, well-done!

Setting:

The setting is in Jerome's office at the police station. However, other than this, we have no description of what the office looks like, whether it is clean or messy, if there's food laying around from Jerome's uneaten lunch, etc. This leaves it entirely up to the reader to imagine what the room looks like, and for someone who has never seen the inside of a police station, it could prove to be difficult and they would have to rely upon images from television or movies. Might I suggest that you add a brief description of Jerome's office to help the reader really picture the scene? Everything else in the scene really works in this story!

Other Comments:

I really enjoyed reading this. I think with just a bit more detail, this would prove to be an awesome short story that could stand on its own or a chapter of a longer story about crime and corruption. It was very well-written and very intriguing! It really left me wanting to read more!

If you have any questions, please feel free to email me back! Thank you for sharing!




*Leafo*This review is a gift to you from "disABILITY WRITERS GROUP" *Leafo*



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145
145
Rated: E | (4.5)
"butt I can tell from" - it should be spelled "but."

"i don't carry much cash" - should be capitalized I.

Other than that, you did well on this story. I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing, my friend!

Bonnie
146
146
Review of The Rebirthday  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
"with emotions that seemed of overwhelm her." - shouldn't it read "with emotions that seemed TO overwhelm her."

Other than that, this was a well-written, intriguing story. I loved the ending! Keep up the great writing!

Bonnie
147
147
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautifully written! Flow, rhythm and rhyme are perfect! Great job! Keep up the wonderful writing!

B.M. Ray
148
148
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this poem. Rhythm and flow seemed to work beautifully, as did the rhyme. I could picture certain aspects of this - ripples in a pond, diamonds glowing white. You really did well with this. Keep up the wonderful writing - I love reading your poetry!

B.M. Ray
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149
Review of BANG!  
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Okay, for an intentionally bad story, you succeeded. The plot of the story was lost on me. I was bored reading it. I do, however, like how the purple monster turned out to be a trick-or-treating child. You may not have won the Intentionally Bad Story Contest, but this definitely qualified as a bad story. Keep writing, my friend - and I am sure that you write very well.

B.M. Ray
150
150
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was a very informative article. It was well-written, and pointed out several different types of lighthouses. My only two suggestions are: Double check the formatting of the 4th paragraph - I'm not sure if you meant to use two paragraphs or one, and I had to read it twice. The only other thing was when I tried to bring up the PopUp Text, it wouldn't show anything. Other than that, you did a wonderful job on this! Great job - keep up the wonderful writing!

B.M. Ray
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