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251
251
Review of A Mother's Love  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

The plot is good and the hook on the end is great. I think you should expand it a bit, though. The beginning and end were too close together and I would have liked to see more body and substance in the main part.

SUGGESTIONS

'There was a knock on the bedroom door. The door itself was painted white with pink accents, and a bronze coat hanger laid at the top. On the hanger was a child’s purple winter jacket. Teddy bear stickers made a clear line at about a child’s height. A plastic pink chair was pushed up against the doorknob. There was another knock.' I would write more of a hook. For example... 'Abigail heard a knock on her white and pink bedroom door.' I would put the description of the room after she has opened the door as the reader doesn't need to know the rest of the stuff till much later.

(The) mother on the other side expected the worst. She began to push against the door. Now, she heard growling. “Oh, consarn it, Abbie!” (her)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Again, this needs a bit of work. I would have liked to learn more about Abigail and her mother. Who they were? Where they came from? Things like that.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great story and if you need me to review this, after changes, or anything else; let me know. Thank you for sharing.


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252
252
Review of BURDEN OF THEFT  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
THE OUTLINE
MAIN IDEAS
SUGGESTIONS
THE HOOK
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



THE OUTLINE

The outline is clear. This is a rant about the government and thieves in general. Being a victim of identity fraud twice, I can relate to your point of view. There is only one paragraph but it covers the main topic.

MAIN IDEAS

The main and only idea to the essay is how politicians fleece the people they say they are working for and this is pretty much covered in the one paragraph.

SUGGESTIONS

1) Make the font bigger. It is very hard to read.

2) The point is a good one but due to the ranting gets lost a bit, in my opinion.

3) To make it easier to read, maybe have more than one paragraph with different points.

'Imagine you take the money meant for the refurbishment of the roads or the restocking of medicines, one day you or your relative are travelling along this badly maintained road and because of its state, you get () an accident.' (in)

'Stand up against all evil practices and resist the devil until (it) he flees.' (delete)

THE HOOK

This rant/essay got me with the title and the first sentence only compounded my interest. I also liked the end.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a cool piece of writing and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
253
253
Review of Hugging Her Bear  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

The plot is good but needs to be expanded. I like what is written so far but feel it needs more. If not a book, then at least a short story. I enjoyed reading it and think it has potential.

SUGGESTIONS

I would expand it and focus on the little girl. How she felt... What was she thinking... This could be a great start to a book. A lorry driver sees a mould in the snow... he goes to check and finds the girl... he takes her in and she grows up... the storylines for this story is endless.

(,closing her eyes to sleep. Drifting into darkness the soft rumble of a truck pulling to a stop slowly faded from her ears)' I would write... (as she drifted off into the darkness.)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

This also needs work. The girl could develop into a serial killer or she could seek revenge on the lady from the village or set out to find her parents. Maybe she was kidnapped and left to die or her real father took her and the village lady was his spouse who didn't want the child... The ideas are endless.

FINAL THOUGHTS

If you develop this story further and want me to review it let me know. Thank you for sharing.


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254
254
Review of A Leap of Faith  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

The end had me in tears. It was a good tear-jerking storyline and I enjoyed reading it very much.

STRUCTURE

'Beth Taylor was frightened by many things. As a child, she was terrified by any ball thrown at her so playing sports was a challenge. Climbing a stepladder was a nightmare. Imagine that same girl falling for a man that routinely climbed ladders for a living. Tony saved people from the angry god of flames.' I would write... 'Everything frightened Beth Taylor.' The rest I would add on or leave out of the next paragraph as we know this is going to be a past to present story.

In () gym, she covered her head as the ball approached. (Then what she dreaded the most happened, she wet on herself.) (the) I would write... (She felt a sensation between her legs and glance down. A big wet patch started to spread on her trousers by the crotch area. A red dot appeared on both Beth's cheeks as the other kids pointed and laughed.)

(The team's revenge was putting bloody tampons in her desk.) The smell was horrible and the teacher made it worse by commenting on it. I would write... (The team got her back and put used tampons in her desk.)

(In front of the team it was announced Beth had been asked for due to her creative skills and academic excellence.) I would write... ("This is because of her creative skills and her grades..." the coach informed her teammates.)

It happened one night in() back of the "Cave". (the)

All the kids (had to pick) someone else to work with in () lab. (picked) (a)

Beth (send) two of her best stories to adolescent magazines for girls. (sent)

Beth (had to go) back to the Chem lab late one evening to get her notebook. (went)

She (was walking on air) about college. I would write... (walked with her head held high as she floated...)

It took a month before Beth could stand on the cliff (where she is was so afraid.) It is the very mountain where Tony had proposed to her. I would write... (which frightened her so much.)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The characters grew as the story progressed. I would have still liked to have felt more emotion and inner thoughts of how they felt would have been nice.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good story but, for me, I think certain places should have been more tell than show. I would have liked the undercover scene to be expanded and Tony's accident to have more of a punch. All in all a good story and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
255
255
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

This is a good plot and if you want to write it as a diary, that would work but, in my opinion, it wouldn't work quiet so well if you wrote it using both story and diary method.

SUGGESTIONS

I blow a red light or two trying to make sure I get there (right) at five, just as they asked, they still make me sit and wait as soon as I get there. (delete)/c} as we know that is what time the appointment is from your next sentence.)

She stands there, slightly swaying with her hands balling up the fabric of her skirt at the sides, before saying "I'm sorry, it looks like () won't be able to accept your application at this time" (they/I)

At first, I thought it was a diary as you started with a time. If that is not the case as I think then, in my opinion, there should be more emotion in the first half as well as in the middle and last part as well. She has been promised the apartment... planned the move... now they tell her that is not the case. If this was me I'd want to know why at least. Even if I don't show it to her, I'd feel more emotion than hitting the dashboard and crying.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

All we know about this character is she is desperate and different as they offered her the place and as soon as they saw her changed their minds.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I am intrigued. If you want me to review this again, after the rewrites, or anything else; just let me know.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
256
256
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



STRUCTURE

This is made up of four line stanzas. There are eight stanzas altogether which form a story in a poem. There is hardly any punctuation which gives this poem a rushed sort of tone. The rhyming is a simple sequence as in it is an ABAC until the speaker gets to the last stanza and changes that to an ABBC rhyming sequence.

TONE

The tone is a sad one and not about carrots but the fact that whoever we vote for will screw us rotten. The carrots are a metaphor for wealth and resources which we have none of and the government is to blame. I like the message and the metaphor. The tone is one of hopelessness but also a drive that we must still vote, even though we do not believe.

STYLE

The style is a rhyming poem and I enjoyed the way it rushed to the end.

TITLE

The title is very apt and profound and fits in with the theme of the poem.

IMAGE

I see a world stripped of all its resources lying wasted in the universe.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good poem and thank you for sharing.


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257
257
Review of Doggie Time  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

I love doggie stories anyway lol, so you hooked me with the title and the first sentence. I have a soppy thing as well and love him to bits, so I can relate.

STRUCTURE

'He is on methadone and (is hallucinating) his little head off. What he is experiencing,' (hallucinates)

'He (is squeaking and hollering) which is not natural to him.' (squeaks and hollows)

'Once a year treatment (that) costs a fortune but hey, it's your dog, you love him, you treat him well. He has bad teeth, and a lot of cavities to show for.' (delete as not needed).

'They brought the dog over, (I had one walk and the rest is history.)' (it took just one walk...) Leave it to the reader to fill in the gaps. In my opinion, it sounds better and you are engaging the reader as well.

'When I return in (an) afterlife I want to be a dog.' (the)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The only character is Moses and I fell in love with him from the word go. This is a really good piece about a good friend.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great tale and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
258
258
Review of Subject to Change  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOTI like the idea of this book and think you are courageous to write about stuff that is very disturbing to the general public.

SUGGESTIONS

'(Rather than feeling insulted or angry or frustrated,) as she thought she should, a strange sinking feeling filled her chest with the realization that he really was blowing off what amounted to an attack on her right to self-determination. I would write...'(She didn't feel insulted, angry or frustrated.)

'She knew (hew) was wrong and, more importantly, that she was right but somehow that one dismissal seemed to steal her voice and her power with it. (he)

This is your story and it is up to you to tell it as you see fit. Words like 'was' and 'had' are telling words and, in my opinion, sometimes to show the pain is better.

I like the emotion in this first part and the end hook but think you bombarded the reader or me with too much information at the start.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

For a first chapter you portrayed Kaly very well. Her personality needs to grow in each chapter and we need to feel her as a character. You need to guide the reader to the feelings you want us to have for her.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a really great start and thank you for sharing. If you want me to read other chapters send me a request and I will be happy to do so. If not, I wish you luck and welcome you to this site.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
259
259
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



STRUCTURE

The poem consists of two four-line stanzas and two six-line stanzas. It is an AABB... metre poem where lines one and two rhyme and line three and four. I like these poems as they remind me of my school days where most poems I read rhymed and I thought that was how poems sounded lol, life was so simple. I would make one suggestion if I may... in the line This Bruhni girl (for that's her name), I would change the brackets for a comma after girl.

TONE

The tone is one of love and adoration. I have a german shepherd/husky cross, so I know what you mean. His name is Bandit and he is my best friend, baby and a lot more. I love the tender voice you used when writing this poem.

STYLE

This is a rhyming poem until the last verse, which doesn't rhyme all that much. I would, therefore, class this poem as a mixed poem where both the free form and rhyming style is used.

TITLE

The title is apt for the poem as the dog in question is the same as the titles.

IMAGE

The picture helps but is not needed as the image in my head is that of a well-loved pet who is by your side and devoted to you.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good poem and I loved it. Until next time... thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
260
260
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

Okay, so as it is an essay there is no plot but I don't really read essays unless they interest me and yours did. It was very well-written and I love the question, why do I write? I write because I can't do anything else and I'm hoping I'll be good enough at this to make a living from this. I like the idea behind this essay.

SUGGESTIONS

I had books, toys, Lego and more(,) my mind. I was not content to just play(,) (to occupy... delete comma.) (.)

(Later in life, I was told that) the best way to write a book is to read many on the same subject. I would write... (Others advised me, later in life,...)

If I read the latest best seller on crime for example, would I subconsciously be influenced by (the) said (the) book and just rewrite it for myself. (delete)

CHAPTER DEVELOPMENT

This also doesn't apply to your essay. I really got to make a new template for essay's lol.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great piece and I hope your book goes well. Thank you for sharing and if you want me to look at anything eles, don't hesitate to ask.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
261
261
Review of She Talks with Me  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

Being an essay there is no real plot, although I love the tender voice you use when speaking about your daughter. I enjoyed thinking back to the pre-teen years lol. She is twenty-one now and over those tantrums. They are replaced my grown up tremors lol.

SUGGESTIONS

You know for the first time in my days of being a reviewer of this site I am speechless. This was a very tender piece and I loved reading it. I really got to make a template up for essays, but as I hardly read them, I never saw the point.
I would have liked a longer piece, though. Find out more about you and your daughter's relationship, which is really special and unusual lol. Take it from me, when they turn... lol. I enjoyed reading it though as I love the special relationship between a father and a daughter. It takes me down memory lane with my husband and his little girl.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENTS

Again, this does not apply. An essay like this don't really have characters as they are usually about something or a person's point of view. I do like this essay and that is a compliment as I usually don't.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great essay and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
262
262
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

This is a great plot. I love the way tragedy ignited a new friendship and I am a sucker for a good love story.

SUGGESTIONS

The first paragraph needs a bit of a tidy. Take the brackets out and start with the bully pouncing on your character. Show how he trembled with fear, (example) as he found out the bully who has been tormenting him is also in the empty corridor and the relief when he realizes he is not alone.

'I-I didn’t know what to do, so I ran(. I ran away) and called the cops. I would write... (to the nearest phone box...) or maybe someone else was on the road and they called the police. If the passenger died chances are the driver would be badly injured as well.

('It was) used of course,' (it's)

Add more scene description and more action. How does the main character feel...

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I like Caine, he stands up for the little guy and has my morals lol. Jared needs work as I couldn't get a feel for him at all. These are your main characters and I would like to see more interaction between them. I would also like to see them grow as characters.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good start to a great novel and thank you for sharing. If you need me to review or help in any way please let me know.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
263
263
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



STRUCTURE

The poem is made up of four line stanza and most verses rhyme even if some only half rhyme. This type of structure works well with the kind of poetry you write. I enjoyed reading this one as much as the others. I like the punctuation as well as it makes me pause for added effect.

TONE

The tone is hopeful and happy. The poet is telling their audience about when something ends something else begins and in death, a bud is born. I like this message. It gives hope and comfort to so many people who have lost somebody.

STYLE

The style is rhyming and every stanza is four lines apart from the last one which is a story within a story within a poem. This is a very clever method and shows a great poet lies within. I liked the way the story unfolds and the point of the poem is left to the end.

Title

The title fits the poem very well and explains what the poem is about without giving too much away.

IMAGE

This poem paints a picture of a seed growing into a flower from a bud, dying only to get reborn.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I enjoyed reading this poem and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
264
264
Review of Satan in Disguise  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

The plot holds a good message, if it is too good to be true it usually is' or 'a tiger can't change its stripes.' I think, with a little bit of work, this fable could be great. I like stories with messages and always liked the lazy donkey one.

SUGGESTIONS

1) I would make the font bigger as it is hard to read the story.
2) I would also fill the story out a bit. It sounds like a fable but the reader needs to feel it in order to get the message
3)'Unless I find some trick, I will starve to death".' I would say 'unless I can find a way to entice prey into my cave I will starve.'

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The character development thing doesn't really apply here as it is too short, except maybe play up to the stereotypes of the animals, ie as cunning as a fox or as sly as a tiger. In that respect, you nailed it.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I liked this story and think it will be a good one. If you want me to read anything else, just ask. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
265
265
Review of Satan in Disguise  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

The plot holds a good message, if it is too good to be true it usually is' or 'a tiger can't change its stripes.' I think, with a little bit of work, this fable could be great. I like stories with messages and always liked the lazy donkey one.

SUGGESTIONS

1) I would make the font bigger as it is hard to read the story.
2) I would also fill the story out a bit. It sounds like a fable but the reader needs to feel it in order to get the message
3)'Unless I find some trick, I will starve to death".' I would say 'unless I can find a way to entice prey into my cave I will starve.'

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The character development thing doesn't really apply here as it is too short, except maybe play up to the stereotypes of the animals, ie as cunning as a fox or as sly as a tiger. In that respect, you nailed it.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I liked this story and think it will be a good one. If you want me to read anything else, just ask. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
266
266
Review of Relief  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



STRUCTURE

This is a short poem of only two lines. The poet uses a method called enjambment, which is creating a pause where there is not supposed to be a pause. By using a capital 'w' the reader automatically pauses even though there are no commas or full stops.

TONE

This is a very sad poem and my heart goes out to the poet. We are more than a website, we are a second family and a great friend to most members on here. This website is run by the people for the people, so you are not alone.

STYLE

This is a very emotional poem and very well-written. The meter is an AA meter where both the end word of the line rhymes with the other. I like these kind of poems a lot, although, this one broke my heart as I felt the pain you were/are in.

TITLE

The title is apt as the poet wants the rain to take away her pain but knows, deep down, it can't. She/he wants relief but knows they can't get it from just the rain.

IMAGE

I see a lone figure sitting at a desk feeling alone. I want to tell this person they are not alone but cannot reach her. We are there for you, my friend.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I hope you feel better soon and if you need help working out this site or need to talk, you know where I am. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
267
267
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

This is a good essay as essay's go but I don't usually do essay's. One of the reasons is, I can't write essays as my university marks show all too well lol. I do like your honesty, though. I am a very 'you see what you get' type of person as well. This gets me into so much trouble lol, but if you don't want an honest opinion... don't ask me.

SUGGESTIONS

One of the reasons why I (am wont to use) all caps for certain words is due to the fact, that that is how they are written in the King James Version of the Bible, which was given to me at age six and which I have been reading ever since then. (won't use or don't use)

The message is important, and He is quite secure in His own Person.) ;) I like this pun... using a capital 'h' when it is supposed to be lower case.

I also like the movie mention at the end.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

This does not apply here.

FINAL THOUGHTS

You are not a bad writer just an honest one. This is a free speech website and as long as you are respectful, you should be able to write what you want. If you need any more help don't hesitate in asking. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
268
268
Review of Purple Windows  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

This is a good plot but, if it were me, I'd start with a vision and end with one or part of one. By doing this you get the reader interested when they first start to read and make them want to know what happened next in the following chapter.

SUGGESTIONS

1) Try not to use words like 'was' or 'had' as these are telling words and not doing words. I find inner thoughts of the character helps or a bit of rewording.
'The road before me was covered in a fresh blanket of snow, the sidewalk leading into town was perfectly smooth until I trampled over it in my furred boots.' I would write... 'Covered in a thick layer of snow the road ahead lay. I trampled the smooth sidewalk and headed into town with my feet toasty and warm in my fur boots.'

Saying goodbye is usually the hardest part about leaving home. But unfortunately for me it was quite the opposite. The road before me was covered in a fresh blanket of snow, the sidewalk leading into town was perfectly smooth until I trampled over it in my furred boots. There were no street lamps filled with everlasting flame to light the pavement as there were in the bustling city I had left. The only sound I could hear was the rumbling of the bus that dropped me off, slowly fading in the distance behind me. I exhaled a deep breath, creating a small fog from my mouth. My stinging hands were tightly packed into the pockets of my fancy but hardly warm auburn coat. I looked like an idiot up here in the mountains, dressed as if I were about to shoot a cover for a fashion magazine.

(It was a short walk into town, but a long walk to my home.) (delete) there is no use for this sentence and it adds nothing to the story.

I like the descriptive feature to describe the town.

As I walked to the door I noticed that the lights were on inside (of) the house. (delete)

'It took me a little longer than usual to get up and ready that day.' This sentence is very jumbled. I would expand and maybe write or begin...'A beam of light shone through the curtains and straight into my eyes...'

I like the way you paint the scene and draw the reader into the chapter.

'I pulled the sheet off the bed, causing the open suitcase to slide to the edge of the bed.' Try not to use the same word in the same paragraph. I would write... 'The suitcase slid off the bed as I pulled the sheet and the contents fell out, all over the floor.'

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Too early to say.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a very good start to what could be a good novel. If you want me to re review or review the next chapter please let me know. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
269
269
Review of Heat of the Day  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



STRUCTURE

The stanzas have four lines, where the second and last line rhyme. Some of these lines only near rhyme though but this suits the poem rather well. There are a lot of punctuation and exclamation marks which give this poem a very outraged tone.

TONE

The tone is very shocked as if the poet cannot believe what he or she is thinking. The first half is filled with questions as if there are two people or one person in an argument with themselves which makes it a bit of a comedy poem, which I liked a lot.

STYLE

The style is a half-rhyme poem and a full rhyme poem combination which worked well in this poem. It gave the reader questions, then promptly answered them. The poet disbelieved the answers and gave us an entertaining dialogue.

TITLE

The poem and title go well together as this poem reminds me of the saying 'only bulldogs and English men go out in the midday sun.'

IMAGE

I picture somebody with hair like a birds nest sitting down talking to themselves and people crossing the road to avoid them lol. This is a very funny poem.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a delightful poem and if you want me to review anything else just send me a note and I will be happy to oblige. Thank you for sharing.


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270
270
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



PLOT

This is a sad story and I am so sorry you had to go through it. This site is more than a writing site, it is a community and family to so many. Writing takes away some of the hurt and pain I feel and I hope it will do the same for you.

SUGGESTIONS

1) Try not to use 'was' and 'had' as this is telling and not showing.
'It all started when i was three years old. I remember it so vividly like it was yesterday.' I would write... 'It started when I turned three. The image is still vivid in my memory.'


Those were the best few years of my life even if my mother was never around and I didn't have a father anymore I somehow knew things were going to () better. (get)

(Thats) where I found out how truly horrible people could be. (That's) There's a few more 'that's' spelt 'thats' in this piece. I suggest looking through the piece again.

My foster mother just wanted () for the money. (me)

I enjoy screwing with people and destroying everything (the) hold dear. (they)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

This doesn't apply as it is a true story.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I wish you all the best and anything else you want me to read send me and I will review it. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
271
271
Review of Soul Mates  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

I liked this tender plot and it was very well-written. I thought the end was sad and it broke my heart to think he came back after the war only for the woman character to die of cancer.

SUGGESTIONS

'It was June 11 again. True to time honored habit, Lucky stopped by the store to get 2 Pepsi's and Reese's Peanut Butter Cup to share with his Becky on this their 40th anniversary. Lucky liked this store because they played classic rock on the overhead for the patrons. While he was making mental notes on what he needed for the anniversary celebration, their song came on. ' I would write... Looking glass blared over the antenna in the store where Lucky stopped to pick up 2 cans/bottles of Pepsi and a packet of Reese's peanut Buttercup for their anniversary... or something like that.

'He hoped Becky would not mind that all he could afford after bus fare was a Reese's Peanut (Butter cup) to share and a() couple Pepsi's. (Buttercup) (of)

This discussion was not going the way Lucky had hoped and did not know how to say what was (on) his heart. ' (in)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENTS

I think the characters developed throughout the story. They grew stronger the more evolved I got.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I thought this tender little love story was great and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
272
272
Review of Chapter 1  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

The plot is realistic and a good one. A lot os readers will relate to it.

SUGGESTIONS

1)Try not to use words like 'was' or 'had.' These are telling words and it is better to show than to tell. A writer only gets away with that if the character is speaking them.
FOR EXAMPLE... (He was covered in a substance made of God only knows what, and the shape of his noggin might have made you question if he had just left the set of a Coneheads movie rather than my womb,) I would write... (A soft slimy goo substance covered his body and his cone head shape made him look like something out of the movie, alien.)
.
2)Try to show rather than tell feelings as this draws the reader into the story.
EXAMPLE... 'The moment I first set eyes on my newborn baby boy, (I felt a love that I never knew could exist in me.) I would write... (my heart beat faster as I tried to catch my breath...) or something like that.

3)Try not to use 'I' so much. I know this is a first person narrator but too many 'I's' make the story jerky. The way to do this is one use commas or two use a method called self-consciousness which is showing her inner thoughts by using italics.
FOR EXAMPLE... '(The joy I felt made everything I had endured in the last nine months more than worth it)- from spending the better part of at least twelve weeks hugging the toilet to spending an outrageous amount on baby apparatus to becoming a single mother.'
FOR EXAMPLE... (The sight of his tiny face made all the pain seem worth it.)

4) Try not to use 'then' unless in dialogue and then only if it is a child or teenager as they tend to talk that way. 'Then' is an added word writer don't need.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The reader needs to get to know your main character more. We get she is a strong woman but that is what she is. We need to see who she is now. This is done by showing her inner mind. I see you have used this method some but need to use it a bit more but not too much.
FOR EXAMPLE... (Agatha- 1. Me- 0.) (Agatha- 1. Me- 0.) I like this bit and a very good way to end.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Good beginning and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
273
273
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

STRUCTURE

This poem has three stanzas with conformed lines, IE. all the same size. The last two end words of the end lines match and the poem is very controlled. There is no punctuation in this poem and this gives the reader the impression of saying it in one hit without any breaks. I liked the way it was written and liked the way it flowed off my tongue when read aloud.

TONE

The tone seems whimsical and a little sad as even her mother couldn't turn her frown upside down. I liked the way it sounded to the ear when read out loud. The end lines seem to fade and drop as every stanza ended the same way.

STYLE

The style is MIXED ONE the first stanza consists of an ABCDEGHHII metre but the rest only have the last two sentences rhyme. I think, if it were me, I'd choose another name for 'box' as it is very repetitive otherwise.

TITLE

'Her crooked smile' is a good title for this poem as a frown upside down is a crooked smile. I like the play on words very much.

IMAGE

This poem paints a picture of someone suffering from depression. I could be wrong but that is the image I get.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a very good poem and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
274
274
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

The plot is a good one. I liked the clown as the villain as they scare me so I was scared lol. The execution of the story is also done very well.

SUGGESTIONS

1) Words like 'had' 'then' and 'was' are all telling words and not showing. Example below...
'Devil's Walk had been shut down since the many deaths of people that went to enjoy the ride! It was a great big scary mansion walk through where people would walk around getting frightened by people dressed up in scary costumes! However, when these deaths started occurring, it was the same day when the owner Mr Robinson had died! He was a stubborn angry man, who took his anger out on people for no reason, something was wrong! But when he died unexpectedly! Everyone believes he was to do with the deaths, but no one would dare enter the now shut down mansion and risk anouther attack! I would write... 'Mr Robinson died the same day his ride, Devil's Walk, became a death trap. The big, dark, spooky mansion where worker's paraded around in fancy dress to scare the customers closed its doors forever. Rumours floated around about it being the owners fault. That, somehow, his rage caused the deaths but no one wanted to investigate for fear of being the next victim.

2) Try not to repeat yourself as this makes the story jerky. Example below...
' She was warned and told not to go in there if she valued her life, but she just went in there and didnt care less.' I would write... 'They warned her not to enter the ride if she valued her life, but she needed to find the truth which surrounded these deaths.'

3)
'Velma was scared for the first time in her time! She hoped the clown would not find her and she hoped help would come sooner then she thought.a he kept watching the clown, who now left the room.' I would write... 'Velma's hands shook and she hoped the clown wouldn't find her. Her body trembled as she waited for someone to rescue her. She crouched behind some boxes and prayed help would come soon. The clown glanced around the room, turned and left.'

'She sighed with (relife) and quickly got out of the table. relief)/c}

.Well velma saved the day on that one, she released how (dnagerous) this place was, her plan was to burn it, before she died she set of her lighter, and that's how the house burnt down! (dangerous)

4) 'Velma' is a name and should always be in capitals.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Velma, the main character developed quite well throughout the story. At first, I thought she was a rather silly girl who was very nosey but by the end, my opinion was she was brave and courageous.


FINAL THOUGHTS

This hasgood fundamentals to be a good story and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
275
275
Review of Sweet Poison  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
IMAGE
FINAL THOUGHTS

STRUCTURE

The way it is written is to split the poem into stanza consisting of four lines each one. The metre is ABAC where the second and last line rhyme. This is very well done as most poems like this sound very false and forced. I enjoyed the way the poet used the meter here.

TONE

The tone of voice used in this poem is the voice of someone who has been hurt. I think most people can relate to this tone and feeling. This is a very emotional poem and as a reader, I can feel some of the speaker's pain.

STYLE

The style is a simple and effective one. It is a full rhyming poem and I think, but I am not sure a sonnet. I liked the style used in this poem as it portrayed the speakers feelings much more than any other style I can think of.

TITLE

The title is repeated in the poem which links the two together and also shows how painful this poem was to write.

IMAGE

I see a man huddled up in bed as he cries for a love who has betrayed him. This poem implants a vivid image of pain in my head and that takes a very good poet indeed.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good poem and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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