This is food for thought. To say hello now is something the young do not understand. When my daughter was a teenager i remember all the family sitting in the same room talking to each other over the computer and face book. The art of people is gone and we are being replaced by machines, but this is progress i suppose. Great piece and very well written. Thank you for sharing and merry Christmas and happy new year.
PROLOGUE
All you need to say is,' I ' remember it well...' and leave it at that. Let the reader explore the story themselves without looking for what you remember.
CHAPTER 1
There are too many 'i' in this chapter and it is being told to me not shown. Plus there is no feeling, even if your character feels numb as a reader i should feel her numbness.
CHAPTER 2
There is too much repetition, for example'It hurt and I felt nothing.' Sometimes less is better, Again i didn't feel anything.
CHAPTER 3
I liked the ending. It is always good to leave a question as it gets the reader more involved with the story. A good chapter this one.
CHAPTER 4
The last chapter at the end i felt a sadness i never felt before in the story.
The way to stop a story sounding wooden is to introduce dialog
Good story well written thank you for sharing.
This poem does make one stop and think. the world is moving too fast or maybe i am getting old lol. This is a very good poem and i enjoyed reading it. Although the meaning of the poem is not clear until the end, i found this poem very entertaining. Thank you for sharing.
This is a good idea for a novel and very popular at the moment, the sci fi vibe. That's the good news. The bad news is, it needs a lot of work. For one, there are too many 'I' in it. This makes the story jerky and hard to read. Secondly, there is a lot of telling and very little showing, and finally, the Wow factor is missing. I hope you do work on this and make it a novel as it has a lot of potential, it just needs more work. Thank you for sharing.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is sad when anyone dies young, but to die when there is no need is hard to take. This is a well written piece and i can tell you loved your brother very much from the tenderness i can feel from your writing. Thank you for sharing.
This is a cool poem. i like the way you built up to the end. i can see this being recited in poetry clubs and found it very modern. i enjoyed reading it and, although the end was very sad, i found it entertaining. Thank you for sharing, it was a nice read.
Wow, what a story. First of all welcome back and second, if you don't win the contest i will be highly surprised. This was a well written, entertaining story. i hope there's a sequel. I would love for him to find his wife and unborn child just in time. Thank you for sharing.
' I ( ws) the only one in the world that mattered, I think you meant (was), but i would say ' I'm the only one in the world that matters.'
I had a small idea of (ehat) he was that made' I think you meant (what)
I have a similar idea for a novel which I'm working on. Mine is different though and about a war of differences. I liked your chapter very much. Thank you for sharing.
This is another great poem. I liked the last verse being two lines as it bought the poem to a slow stop instead if a sharp end. Very well written and a very enjoyable read. I liked the old school format as well. I didn't know you were a poet as well as a writter. Thank you for sharing and a merry Christmas and happy new year.
This is a good poem my friend. i liked the way it sounded. It read very much like a wave lapping the shore. i closed my eyes and pictured that scene. i liked the end verse the best though. It slowed the poem down before the end. Thank you for sharing.
This is a very powerful poem. i like the way it was written, but it did leave me wondering who the poet was. A medic maybe or the devil. i liked the way it makes the reader feel emotion when reading the poem as well and i really enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing.
Wow this poem had me at the word go. i loved the build up. So if i get this right, the priest was the father to the baby in more ways than one. This reminded me of a series on television called the thorn birds, very powerful stuff. Thank you for sharing.
This is a nice story about your dad. i personally would have classed this in the story category rather than the poem genre as it is heading, i think, in that direction. It might be better, if you want it to be a poem, write it as a prose poem instead of a normal poem. Thank you for sharing.
This poem made my skin crawl. i liked reading it though. The hunter and his prey, i like that reminds me of life. It would be nice if the prey one from time to time though. It was nicely written and thought out as well. i really enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing.
This was a nice poem. It became very repetitive in the end and a bit whiny. i liked the beginning and middle though i found the end over done. I liked the concept of the poem and liked the emotional stance. Very well written and thank you for sharing.
i love this poem. Very well written. i like the flow and thought process.This is very cute, especially the last verse and sentence. It brought back memories of my little girl and the delight i felt when she came into the world. Thank you for sharing and well done.
i like this essay and i liked the theme. It was well written and very wistful which i liked. It also made me think and the last sentence hit home.i can relate to this so well as i have faced many challenges in my life and come through them, although with some i thought i wouldn't. Thank you for sharing.
This is truly sad my friend and i feel for you. i can tell this is written from the heart and i can relate to these feelings. you can be in a room full of people and still be the loneliest you've ever been. Thank you for sharing and well done. This was indeed a good read.
The last verse was funny and great. The first and second verse seemed false and didn't make a whole lot of sense and i read them twice. This is just my opinion, however. i liked the sound of the poem though and found the last verse entertaining. Thank you for sharing.
This is a nice little story, but for something like this i need it longer. The idea is great, but it needs some expanding as it left me wanting more and i felt disappointed reading it. It was a bit scary, but it would have been terrifying if there was more blood and guts. Thank you for sharing.
This is a good poem if not a little depressing. I hope this isn't you with the broken heart. If it is i am sorry. As i said very well written poem and i like your style. The poem was heartfelt and it touched my heart, which does what a poet does best. Thank you for sharing.
This poem I liked. A glass I would never have guessed. That is one smart poem and very well constructed. I liked the guessing game and the title as a question. I have never come across a poem like this. I must keep an eye out for more like this. Thank you for sharing.
This is very dark. I love the free verse style it is written in and the way it sounds when read aloud. There is power behind every word and this enriches the poem immensely. I like the feeling I got when reading this poem. Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed it.
This is a powerful poem. I like the first line about divide and conquer and the last line about if you want to succeed you need to take risks. This is an honest poem and I like the meaning. I think this poem says it all very well. Thank you for sharing.
This story has a lot of promise, but there are a number of things in my opinion wrong with it.
1) There are too many 'i'
2) it is all bunched up and this makes it harder to read
3) only one person can speak in a paragraph
4) its very unfeeling and you are telling us how she feels more than showing us how she feels
It just needs a little work. Thank you for sharing.
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