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276
276
Review of Thinking is Bad  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
STRUCTURE
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
FINAL THOUGHTS

STRUCTURE

This poem is a rhyming one and is split up into many stanzas. Each stanza tells a story about how the man grows up and has a baby of his own and how 'thinking bad' is a sin. I enjoyed the story within the poem as it was very like Elvis Presley's 'ghetto'... the storyline anyway.

TONE

The tone is hopeful to start off with but as the poem works its way to the middle that hope is lost in dissolution but at the end, there is hope again, with the birth of another child. This is what I call a circle poem as it ends in the same tone it began. I liked this also.

Style

The metre is an ABCB I believe and it follows this metre most of the time. The only stanza that doesn't fit is the one below...

'The man, who is a shadow of what he could've been,
spends the rest of his days providing a living.
He cares no longer about growing from within;
always caught up in earning, but seldom aiding.'

I would rewrite this one as it makes the poem go off metre a little.

TITLE

I think the title is apt for the poem. It leaves the reader wanting to read the poem while not explaining what the poem is about too much.

FINAL THOUGHT

This is a good poem and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
277
277
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

The idea is good but these two chapters need a lot of work.

SUGGESTIONS

PROLOGUE

'THE OUTSIDE OF THE BUILDING LOOKED DARK AND DUSTY. The boy shivered, pulling his jacket to where it was tighter around his body. It was the middle of summer, yet his body felt frigid and raw almost as though his skin should be blue and he should be shaking from hypothermia. The boy dreaded the idea of walking into a building that was normally bustling with students and proffesors but now sat empty.'

I would write... 'The boy shivered as he stared at the dark and dusty building in front of him. He pulled his jacket tighter around his body and descended down the hill.'

'The boy eyed the squirrel strangely as he pulled() phone out of his pocket and answered it. (his)

'He was sure that the room he (need-) (where he needed to go-) was on the second floor.' (needed)(delete)

There are too many 'ing' words grouped together and repetitive words which make the story clumsy to read. Also, in my opinion, a prologue should be snappy and I found it a bit slow. I think you are trying to explain too much in the prologue. The reader doesn't have to be told the building is an educational building. Tease the reader, let their imagination take them there.

CHAPTER ONE

'My mom (had gotten) home around noon, only to go right back out two hours later. (got)

'"That's not funny young lady." I laughed (anyways.) (delete)

'"(You don't want want me out running the streets.)" I would write... '("I don't run wild in the streets,') as running the streets means she would be in charge of the street.

You need to read through this first draft. As you are telling the story in first person, you don't have to write 'my mum... my purse... etc as we know it is yours.

Don't tell the story, show the story. Try to refrain from using words like WAS, THEN, WHAT... as they are all passive words.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The characters are developing nicely. We already know Alec does not like her mum's boyfriend and finds her dad's disappearance troubling. This is a good start to getting in the head of the main character.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a decent first draft. All it needs is a bit of work to make it a good second draft. Thank you for sharing and good writing. If you want me to take another look after corrections let me know.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
278
278
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
TONE
STYLE
TITLE
FINAL THOUGHTS

TONE
The tone is really sterile and delicate. I enjoyed the way it flowed and the peaceful feeling it gave me. I think sometimes it could have moved faster but apart from that, I liked the easygoing tone and mood the poet portrayed. This poem is telling us how the poet feels rather than any action she is performing.

STYLE
I like the way the first half rhymed but the second half didn't. I also liked the pace but think the way it was written is very distracting. If it were me I wouldn't have double spaced the lines. I would have either made it a two stanza poem or left the second line out and bunched the lines up a bit more. Also, the line, 'I have desires to keep' is repeated twice. I cannot see it adds anything to the poem and therefore I would delete it.

TITLE
I would say it was more a wandering mind than a wandering heart as the poet has written the poem in an abstract manner. It paints the picture of a mind wandering from one thought to the next and of the poet being confused rather than something associated to the heart. This is just my opinion and to be taken or left... the choice is yours.

FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a well-written poem and thank you for sharing.
279
279
Review of Friday the 13th  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT
I liked the idea and the concept of the story. The plot itself lacked and sagged a bit, though. This could be the way it was written as this was more like a plan than a story. The end was good but the dialogue seemed very false. My suggestions are below, but remember this is only my opinion, nothing more.

SUGGESTIONS
1) I would start it with finding the dog and add a bit more descriptiveness about how the characters felt. I know this is flash fiction but the writer has already said they expanded on it. My advice, expand it some more.

2) Show more than tell, how does the guy feel about taking a strange mutt home. Was he worried his wife would be cross? They both liked animals but even so. I love animals as well and used to work with abandoned ones. An abandoned dog will be nervous or, if they are not, this usually means they have not been homeless for long. This part doesn't sound realistic.

3)'Both Rudolf and Klara had a soft spot for animals. So the mutt became part of the family. First I think there is a gap where there should not be and secondly, there should be a comma after animals and 'so' should start with a lower case 's'.

FINAL THOUGHTS
This could be a great story with a little work. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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280
Review of My greatest dream  
Rated: E | (4.5)
'A smile tugged at me and my heart tried (to rise,) to soar. (delete) as rise and soar are the same.

This is another great story and I felt for the woman in this story. It was a nice but emotional read and thank you for sharing. If there is something particular you want me to have a look at just ask.
281
281
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

This is another great chapter that needs a bit of work to get it up there into professionalism. I love he plot and think it is a great idea. I also loved the end and the hook as it wants me to read on. I think you could show a little more at the end by using active words and not passive ones like things ending in 'ing'.

SUGGESTIONS

'The girl laughs and sits (down) on the bed next to me, kissing my cheek.' (delete) as when we sit it is usally down.

'The files I stole from Carreua. Something must have passed over my face as Caras grabbed my (hand), rubbing the back of it.' (Change to another word as same word was used in the previous sentence.)

'With surprising speed, she lurches over (to my side of the bed and grabs my bag, yanking it up onto her lap. Yelping, I try to snatch it off of her, but she's far too quick.) I would write... (over me, grabs my bag and empties the contents on the bed.)

'would of' 'would've'

'"Well() we all know that's lie."' (,)

Cara (just) rolls her eyes and turns back to the research notes & files.(delete)

I would also tell a lot more than show and maybe show the reader what she is thinking rather than tell them.

FINAL THOUGHTS

The flow and story are developing very well and I can't wait for the next instalment. When you write the next chapter or if you edit and want me to have another look, send me an email and I will pop in and take a look. You can send me a review request but I am not sure how to access them yet. Good luck and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
282
282
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

Again, I like the start hook and end hook. I like the dialogue and the action scenes. I like the concept and the way the last chapter leads onto the next.

SUGGESTIONS

'How did it end up() that?' (LIKE)

'Walking through the kids football game as quick as I can, I make my way down through several different bunkers before I finally reach my destination. In the middle of a row of apartments, on the second floor, sits Caras house. Climbing the stairs to reach the door takes me at least five minutes. By the time I reach the porch at the top, I'm panting. I try to get my hand out of the crutch to knock on the door but can't. Yep, that ain't happening. Using my good leg, I kick the door lightly with my foot. Scuffling and muffled Japanese swearing comes through from the other side of the door. I can't help but smile at what was said. And, no, I ain't translating it for you. The door is flung open and I'm suddenly faced with a very, very angry girlfriend. And (a) angry girlfriend is way scarier than anything, ever. I would rewrite as this whole paragraph is clumsy. Maybe... 'I quickened my pace through the field as the kids start to play football... There is too much information about how your character walks to her destination. All the reader needs to know is... that is where she is going and maybe the mud under her soles or the noise of other people in the bunkers...'

"I'm sorry," I whisper into her hair. (The girl) sighs and nestles her head into my shoulder. (Cara) Use the girls name otherwise, so I have been told, it confuses the reader. Plus Caras is Cara's.

' She could do so much better than a little punk mechanic that never went to school or actually (learn) to read/write. (learnt)

Again, watch the 'ing' and 'I' words.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Another great chapter. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
283
283
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

I love the ending. Talk about leaving the reader on a cliffhanger. The action scenes were great and the dialogue was realistic. The start needs some work. It felt a bit flat compared to the rest of the chapter.

SUGESSTIONS

I am just going to make pointers unless I need to make corrections as most of what I see I've said in other chapters.

1) try not to use so many 'I'. I know it is first person but too many 'I' and the story starts to be jerky. Instead, make a list of actions or use the thought method (inner thoughts in italics).

2) Don't use slashes. We don't think or speak in them, hence, they look out of place in anything but fact books in my opinion.

3) Try to cut down the 'ing' words. The action is great and I feel myself being drawn in, and then you go and use a telling word which deflates my excitement.

'I have to squinted to avoid being blinded again. squint

FINAL THOUGHTS

The chapter was written really well and I love this idea. It is current and a thing the kids are into. Fantasy is all the rage these days and your novel fits into that genre quite well. Keep up the good work and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
284
284
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

I like the way the story is continuing. I think there should be a break in the narrative, though. either a stream of conscious ie thoughts or talking as too much narrative overwhelms the reader. The flow between the chapters is very smooth.

SUGGESTIONS

'These pretentious gits all live up on the Surface, but everything they (need/want) is down here in (Zone 1.)' The first thing is, when writing fiction never use a dash... always say (need or want) we never think in punctuation and if you want to be published... publishers don't like it so I am told. The second thing, (zone 1) is repeated far too much.

'Finally leaving the crowds behind, I step back into the alleys and head towards my target. A few minutes of walking and a quick stop for (a) air guitar session later (don't judge me, Vampire Money by My Chemical Romance came on!),' (an). Brackets are also frowned upon. If you need the information here why not write... vampire money by the chemical romance belted out of the radio or do it via his inner mind thoughts and put it in italics.

'I'm in. I swear(,) I should ()a rich magician by now.' (delete) (be)

'I take a left turn and duck through (a) open doorway into what looks like reception.' (an)

'I'm flat out on my back with a (bagel) down my bra. (overuse)

Also, words like 'I' are overused and I would leave the ending with the character falling off her chair. It makes the reader itchy to know why.


FINAL THOUGHTS

This is another great chapter. This book is a good one, but it just needs a bit of work. Thank you for sharing and let me know if there is anything else I can help you with.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
285
285
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a sad poem about humanity. I think differences are great and embrace them myself. I love the flow and the subject matter and like the way you use enjambment so well. I enjoyed reading this poem and found it very entertaining. Thank you for sharing. I saw this on the hub.
286
286
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

The story is coming on nicely.

SUGGESTIONS

A wardrobe stands in the corner of the room (and I run to it.(Just as I step into it, the voices enter the room.)... (I run and climb in just in time.)

"You worry too much. If those five (where) going to attack us, they would (of) (done years again.) (were) (have) (done it years ago)

FINAL THOUGHTS

The story is progressing and I love the detail of this chapter. You paint a picture any reader can follow. Thank you for sharing.
287
287
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

This is another good chapter and the end hooks are getting better. Sky is still a mystery where gender is concerned.

SUGGESTIONS

'A gust of wind (comes blowing) through the confessional. Oh s***.' (blows)

"Josh, what have you done?" I look him straight in the eye,(my tone a warning one). I've never seen him act like this before, and I've been around when someone fails a job plenty of times. You see a lot of things when you're a part of (a) illegal gang. The boy wrings his hands together, not looking at me. (In a clipped voice) (an)

I would also do the big explaining part as a thought process... in italics or bold lettering or add it to the appropriate dialogue every so often. If you give the reader too much information in one go, the reader tends to get bogged down. I do it in my novel in the form of dialogue so the person they are telling it to can interrupt. This breaks it up for the reader.

FINAL THOUGHTS

The story and plot are heating up. I think we need to see more of a picture concerning the characters, though. The dialogue is good and realistic as well. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
288
288
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
FINAL THOUGHTS

PLOT

I liked the plot. It was interesting, and for the best part kept my interest.

SUGGESTIONS

'I motion to my grease stained dress and (waist length) bright blue hair (which, and I'm not trying to boast or anything, has stayed in place during this whole thing). (waist-length)

I also think there is a lot of telling when to draw the reader in showing would be better.

Try to use an adverb rather than an 'ing' or 'ly' ending if you can.

"They won't send me to the Surface, Cara. I'd just drive them crazy," I smile ruefully at my girlfriend. (The girl) just rolls her eyes. (Cara) we know the girls name. If you use different names for her the reader might get lost.

'Cara just smiles that smile and kisses me softly on the lips. She pulls away, still smiling, but I pull her back in for a much longer kiss, burying my hands in her hair. Once again, it's her that pulls back, leaving my lips tingling. I would write simply, 'Cara smiles and raises her eyebrows or something similar. 'She pulls back and raises her hands to push me away... or something like that.'

I would spice up the hook in the beginning and make it less complex. Maybe start with the father and son scene and work back. Also, the end hook, spice up... Maybe he blacked out or something. Anything that makes the reader want to read the next chapter.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This story was very well-written and the dialogue was realistic and interesting. I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing.


If you want me to read the next chapter, let me know. I saw this on The Hub and it looked interesting.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
289
289
Review of Pre Party Gossip  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
FINAL THOUGHTS

Congratulations for being picked for the showcase this month.

PLOT

This will make a good book. The dialogue was spot on and the beginning hook was good as well. If this is going to be a chapter of a book, however, I would spice up the ending a little as we want the reader to carry on reading.

SUGGESTIONS

Yet as Suzy slipped her dressing gown from her shoulders and slowly eased down into the bath so that the bubbles and foam would caress each nook and (each) cranny (DELETE)

she was content in the knowledge that with just one click she can chat and share, I WOULD WRITE... CONTENT IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT WITH ONE CLICK SHE COULD SHARE...

She (lays) in the bath , THE TENSE AT THE START WAS IN PAST TENSE. EITHER HAVE PAST OR PRESENT OTHERWISE IT IS CONFUSING TO THE READER.

I would show more than tell. Try not to use words like 'was and 'then' as the first word is more a passive voice and goes with words like 'been' and the latter word is unnecessary and cumbersome.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This will make for an enjoyable read. All it needs is a little bit of work. Keep writing and thank you for sharing.
290
290
Review of War Drum  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Congratulations on being picked for the showcase last month.

This short story captured my imagination as I read it. The story was very well-written and entertaining and I loved everything about it.

Thank you for sharing this delightful short story.
291
291
Review of The Choice  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I liked this short story very much and congratulations for being chosen for the showcase last month.

I thought the ending was great and found it funny. One choice can change your life is a good message.

'The ball went too high, caught too much wind, and fell short of the green, dropping squarely in the (sandof) the bunker. All, because he chose a nine iron, instead of a seven. Should be a space between sand and of).
292
292
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a well-written nonfiction piece. I think it would make a great book. I am sorry for your pain and can relate to some of that pain myself. I enjoyed reading it and think you tried to make a bad situation better. It is hard when children are envolved, especially someone else's. Thank you for sharing.
293
293
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
'Straight auburn hair tied in a ponytail, glasses on the tip of her nose, quotes of her favorite fictional characters printed on her tees,' LOVED THIS LINE. I LIKE HOW THE STORY ALREADY HAS ME PICTURING THE CHARACTER IN MY MIND.

'And she enjoyed it that way. She (enjoyed) going to school with her cousin, Cecilia, she (enjoyed )not being the center of attention of teachers and students. She (enjoyed) having just two friends, one of which was her cousin and the other was Cecilia's friend, so she was forced to hang out with Rachel too. TOO MUCH OVERUSE OF THE WORD ENJOYED. (LOVED) (DELIGHTED) (RELISHED)

'Rachel (was her parent's only child) and went to school with Cecilia, who used to live just down the street. (DIDN'T HAVE ANY SIBLINGS. I WOULD BUT THE BIT ABOUT CECILIA LIVING NEXT DOOR WITH THE FIRST PARAGRAPH AS WE ALREADY KNOW THEY WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER.

ALSO OVERUSE OF LIKE... (ADORED) (RELISHED) (SAVOURED)

'Cecilia disagreed to go to the same college as her cousin, saying it was time Rachel did things more independently. When Rachel first figured out, she cried. She cried endlessly. Then she punched pillows, then she unfollowed Cecilia on Twitter, then she texted her "crazy bitch", after which she followed her again on Twitter and apologized for being so mean. Then she cried again.'

COMMENTS; THIS PARAGRAPH NEEDS MORE FEELING LIKE, 'RACHEL THREW HER HANDS OVER HER FACE, THREW HERSELF ONTO THE BED AND WEPT WHEN SHE HEARD THIS NEWS. hER CHEST HEAVED AND SHE GASPED FOR AIR AS THE THOUGHT OF GOING IT ALONE PARALYSED HER...

I LIKED THE END PARAGRAPH. THAT IS A NICE LINE TO CARRY THE STORY ON FROM.

THANK YOU FOR SHARING AND HOPE TO READ CHAPTER 2 SOON.
294
294
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a sweet story, my friend. I get from the tag you are still struggling. If you need to talk, you know where I am. I believe you can have private conversations on here. Just send me a message and I will be there. Sometimes it helps to just rant at someone who you are not close to and get it all out. Thank you for sharing and remember I am here for you.
295
295
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I engaged with this chapter a lot more. It was very well-written. The beginning was a bit slow, but once the speech started, the plot picked up.

'“There isn’t one.” I answered after flicking through the pages ahead to make sure,
“Why would that be?” relentlessly,' Either move the speech tag or add 'I' before 'relentlessly.

'“Because gifts are passive, there is no level of difficulty to initiating a gift it just happens, right?” I checked.' If 'I checked is part of the speech, move the speech marks, if not I think it would be better for it to be before the speech.

Thank you for sharing.




'
296
296
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
'Pushing past the numbness and forcing my limbs to work.

With a roar I leapt towards the elf. This elf would die in my jaws. But the other cloaked individual had other thoughts,

I would write, 'I pushed past,and with a roar, leapted onto the elf's back as I sunk my sharp teeth into his bare neck. The other clocked figures surrounded me. I could feel their clamy hands maul my body as they pulled me off and threw me to the ground.

'I didn’t fear combat, in fact, I relished every moment of it, yet, if I lost and (d-) did you mean (die) if you wanted the characters thought process to break (...) after (d) is a more effective way.

Like the first chapter, the idea is a good one. This one is written better as the first chapter lacked action. To make it better I would let the reader feel more of what the charactor is feeling. This can be done through showing what he is thinking more or action language like, I walked into the cave, froze, and sniffed the air. (Phew what's that smell.) The words in brackets being in italics.

All in all a good chapter and thank you for sharing.

297
297
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
'The first pair or rather the pair furthest to the right were more or less what I expected, humans- I assume I was once human- the pair beside them appeared marginally taller with oddly long ears. The other pairs were even more dissimilar some with scales, fur, feathers or an exoskeleton.'
I would write something like, 'The first couple looked human, but the others looked odd in their appearance.'

'"ROBERT -has been fine Pastor", mother retorted, sometimes I forget pastor and doctor are one in the same in this world,' I think there should be a comma before Pastor.

'The girl behind him, a brute of a child kicked his chair from behind, while Mr Safere didn't seem to notice as prepared to punish Laura for being a "dunce".' The fat, spotty girl behind him kicked his chair, but Mr Safere didn't seem to notice as he scolded Laura on her stupidity.'

This is a good first chapter. It just needs tiding up and tweaking a bit.
298
298
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
'The first pair or rather the pair furthest to the right were more or less what I expected, humans- I assume I was once human- the pair beside them appeared marginally taller with oddly long ears. The other pairs were even more dissimilar some with scales, fur, feathers or an exoskeleton.' I would write 'The first pair appeared human. The next couple seemed taller. Everyone else ranged from scales on their bodies to an exoskeleton.

299
299
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a good piece of writing. I agree with the saying that we cannot change our past as well. It is hard to look forward to the future and not carry baggage with one, though. This I know from experience I am afraid. Thank you for sharing and very well written.
300
300
for entry "Emotional Vocabulary." 
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this line of thought my friend. A writer will use the same wording for an emotion because it is easier or they are not experienced. I fall on both of these excuses and should know better lol. Thank you for sharing. This piece has made me think.
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