'I flopped backward onto(- into-) the 'bed' for a much needed rest.' I would delete (-into-).
Also some words are underlined and I didn't know if that was intentional or not. This is another great chapter. Is there going to be more or was that the end? Thank you for sharing.
'As if in answer(, rocks) hit the wall of my sanctuary. "Dumb girl!" A voice came, from outside the dream.' I would write (a rock).
This is another good chapter my friend and I enjoyed reading it very much. I got really into the emotion of the dumb girl and the hatred of the kids. Thank you for sharing.
('This band, strangers all), probably couldn't even speak Krolesh. They'd kill us and raid us, and my shivering form drummed against their loot. I would write,(This band were all strangers).
The action in this chapter was really good my friend and I could feel myself being drawn into the story itself. Thank you for sharing.
This is a nice little story and is full of emotion. I felt like the avalanche fell on my in the last part of the story I was that engrossed in the actual plot. Great way to stage a scene my friend. Thank you so much for posting this one and have a great day.
This is a really good story. In the dialogue, there were an odd letter missing, but i put that down to the accent. I would change the first few sentences though. The first couple of sentences are a bit boring and make the reader not want to read on. There is no hook and, if i didn't owe you so much, and if i see requests i like to review them, i probably wouldn't have carried on reading, which would be a shame as after that, the story picks up and ends on a hook.
' She kept her weapons tied, legal-like; the guard had helped her. "Who will talk() me?" Insert (to).
This is a good poem and a heartfelt one. I love the structure and the format and your wife will be thrilled with this gift. I like the tenderness tone in which you write in and the way you use the English language. Thank you for sharing and have a nice day.
' The worst is, (can't even blame.) It's not like I told them. I stood there, watched him take her, and I didn't so much as say, 'Excuse me! I think I saw her first!'" I would either delete this or write (I can't blame her)
to check if I( had) disturbed their dreams' I would delete (had)
This is a good chapter, but i would delete all the (had) as this is a telling word and not needed. Also change the (ing) words as this is also a telling sign and, in my opinion, in the place of a telling word ie change (flinging) to (fling).
Thank you for sharing.
This poem highlights depression. It gets harder each day to wake up and i think your poem understands the struggle of how hard a day is. I like the line about happiness and achieving it being brutal. This is a very well thought out poem and thank you for sharing.
This is a very good chapter for a book or short story. I thought the beginning was a bit slow, but apart from that, a good start.
(Then, I noticed he) He stabbed with such precision dog whined, he did not bleed a drop. After several pokes, the dog groaned and released me' Delete the sentence in the brackets as it is not needed,
This is another good poem. I do like these statements you write in poetry form, they are very good. I enjoy reading and reviewing your work and find myself looking forward to your postings. This poem especially has hit home with the substance matter. Thank you for sharing.
This is so true. Dealing with reality at times is too much for some people to cope with. I enjoyed reading this poem and with each statement, I found myself agreeing with your philosophy. This is a very well written poem and i thank you for sharing it.
This is a nice story, but it fell a bit flat in places. The start was very mundane and had no hook in it and, although their were bits of the story that had my heart pumping, the rest was just an alright read. With some work though, this story could be a heart stopper. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
This is a good poem. We do not have waffle houses here, but then we have just started to see sweet waffles in the stores. I liked the way you wrote this poem and the style you used. Thank you for sharing and have a nice week. I enjoyed reading it, well done.
'There were ducks in the window.' Delete this first sentence. The story was good and it grabbed my attention, but I wouldn't repeat Ducks all the time. If you have to call them birds or something. Repeating this word over and over makes the story jerky. Thank you for sharing.
This poem made me feel I was spiraling out of control. I liked it, but i thought it could do with a bit more feeling and emotion. If my time was running out, I'd be a bit scared or try and finish my bucket list. Good writing though and thank you for sharing.
I write crime, fantasy and war and i think it helps my writing by not tying me down to one type. I liked this survey and am glad i am not the only one that thinks like this. My novel, the one i am working on, has quite a few genres in it as well. I love your survey. Thank you for sharing
This was a nice story. It could have done with a bit more substance though. I didn't get a feel for the story or the characters until the end and by that time it was too late. The story did have a nice flow though and i enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing.
The story on the whole is good. I like the fantasy, knight idea. The first thing that struck me was the first part didn't flow well. It jumped from the sylph's hanging out with his buddies to him getting a message. The space between the paragraphs were too big and there wasn't enough scenic view. I didn't get a feel for the story.
Becareful when publishing. Self publishing is alright if you have the money to get your own editor and market it yourself, but if you haven't my advice, send it to a proper publisher. There are a lot of so called free publishers that say they do it for free, but charge. I have been caught out like that myself. If you really want to self publish, try create a space in amazon. I never made any money out of them or sold any of my book, but at least they didn't try and get money off me for doing nothing. Good luck and if you need any help, you know where i am.
This is a really good song, especially the chorus. The whole thing is very catchy and i can see me playing it in the car or listening to it on the bus, and even singing along with it. I liked the insane vibe as well, it was very good. Thank you for sharing.
This is a good tribute to a furry friend. I lost my friend a while back and have a new one now, but i still remember and miss my other ones not here ant more. This was well written and executed. I liked the short and sweet approach. Thank you for sharing and i am sorry for your loss.
This is a great story. I was captured by the first sentence. I liked that most of the story was in dialogue and this made the action in this piece come alive. I enjoyed reading it very much and hope you write a second chapter as you left it on a cliff hanger. Thank you for sharing.
This is a terrifying story. I must admit i wasn't taken with the story at first. It didn't pick up until the call to the police the first time, but after that, i was hooked. The thing about writing in diary mode i think is if its for one's own pleasure the grip doesn't matter, but to capture the reader the first line must have a hook. Thank you for sharing.
This is a very old school poem. I like it very much, although it was very hard to read as some of the sentences got tangled up in my tongue. I liked the language though, it sounded very retro. All in all a good poem. Thank you for sharing and very well done.
I think its both. With great power comes great responsibility and that is what the science world is, great minds. Some scientistss do not use their power wisely and we get anti science, but most science is good. I like your poem and your choice of matter. Very well done and thank you for sharing.
This poem is very though out. I like the animal dialog and the last part rounds the poem off. I did wonder where the poem was going until the last part. We are all unique and we should be proud of who we are is a very good moral to this poem. Happy Christmas and happy new year. Thank you for sharing.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dmt1967/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/14
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 1:15am on Jul 03, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
