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Public Reviews
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Yes my friend the choices we make does effect other people. For example if I murder my next door neighbor, the action would not only effect me and my family, but her family and the tax payer who will have to pay more tax to keep me in prison. Not that I want to murder her or anyone for that matter. She's very nice and I don't believe in violence lol. Very provoking peace.
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Review of Animals  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a nice little piece, but I would have made it longer.

Here is a few more facts I would put in,

There is also a difference between the two elephants tusks, both male and female African elephants have tusks that are larger than the Indian elephants. Also it is mostly male Indian elephants that have tusks and not very common for females to have them. The African elephants ears are bigger too.

Elephants are scared of mice because they are frightened the mice will run up their trunks.

There are a lot more facts you could have written about.

The elephant graveyards, the fact that elephants carry their babies for nine months...

I liked this piece but wanted more.
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Review of Begend: Chapter 1  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
(‘Richard Clanden was a knight who braved through many battles. Many times, he shed blood instead of tears, but this was one of the few occasions when tears must be shed.’)

As a hook, this doesn’t grab me. I would have written, ‘Richard placed his sword on a rock and wept. He gazed at the boy called Suuny in the magic room and wiped his face with the back of his hand. The knight sniffed as he gazed around the almost empty room.
There were four runes placed at each corner of the chamber, and the sixteen year old boy knelt in the centre of them.’

The background paragraph sounds a little like a commentary piece. Any story that needs backgrounds explained sound stuffy. I found the best way to overcome this is by dialogue. Make it into a scene or something like that.

(‘Richard lifted his eyes from the floor and a loud gasp escaped his mouth. He widened his eyes in disbelief and tears welled. âSunny? It canât beâ¦â
âI am Sunny,â Sunny said matter-of-factly.’)

His eyes widened and a tear ran down his cheek as he stared at the boy on the floor. The next sentence get rid of the symbols. Alsi if Sunny is speaking you need speech marks.

(Richard blinked away the welled up tears. In front of him was a teenage boy dressed in a plain shirt and shorts, claiming to be Sunny, whom looked like him as well. Sunny fidgeted from the unwelcome stare as Richard scrutinized the slippers on his feet.
âPerhaps, youâve lost your memories?â Richard asked.)

Again the symbols are very off putting. Try changing your internet server. I had this same problem, but when I changed to goggle, the problem got solved.

(Richard blinked at the boy’s statement. The young man held the knights gaze for a few moments before lowering his eyes. He shuffled his feet and placed his hands behind his back.)

This is very confusing. Is there two boys or one? The way the story tells it makes me think Richard is Sunny.

(‘And all these happened in one fleeting moment. Delete this sentence or put it at or in the previous paragraph.)

The first half is very confusing and the symbols are very off putting. It makes the reader struggle when reading the chapter. Also the reader might not want to read the next chapter for this reason which would be a shame as I think this is a great idea for a book.

The next part needs a lot of work. There is no punctuation and the dialogue is very wooden. I enjoyed the way the story moved along, but the symbols spoil my read somewhat and it just wasn’t realistic enough. The reader has to believe what the writer is writing and with this part that was not there.

(‘Lying in a pile of rocks,( Borrit) nursed himself from the dizziness of the impact.’)

Where did he come from? If the writer mentioned him, it must have been fleeting. The new character just appearing like this might throw the reader. I find it is better to introduce new players slowly and let the reader familiarise themselves with them rather than involve them all in the first chapter.

(‘The boy was (Westin.) He was wearing a t-shirt with a button down shirt over it, and his sleeves were folded with the band of rolled cloth just below his elbow. These were matched with a pair of shorts and sneakers. Held by his hands was his younger twin sister, Myrine. She had on a shirt that was tucked into her jeans, and attached to the jeans were suspenders.’)

(western) There is too much describing of clothes and not enough showing who these people are. Also, if the writer is changing one scene for another, they should really separate them by using stars or some kind of symbol, otherwise the reader will get lost and will not be able to follow the story.

(‘Yes, I was the one (whoâd) to finish the shaved chocolate ice that you( orderedâfor) breakfast. And did I mention that it was large size! Who eats shaved ice for breakfast and a large size at that?â’)

(delete) (ordered for)

The mole scene concentrated too much on the moles. The reader isn’t interested in how many moles there are, but on the action taken to get rid of the moles. I would write, ‘the moles surrounded the men. They snarled and attacked, there razor sharp claws inches from the comrades’ faces… or something like that.

I liked the end as it left the reader wanting more. Thank you for sharing. This review is an entry in the Newbies Academy Review Relay Race.
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Review of Wolf Among Sheep  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
WOLF AMONG SHEEP 2051562
' The maid walked through the halls of the castle, she was going about her business when she heard noise coming from the prince's room. She cautiously opened the door to see the room in shambles and the prince (was) hunched over his bed.' Delete (was).
‘ Orell had watched over him since he was a child. She was the only person he trusted with this secret.’ I would write, ‘Orell, his watch dog since childhood nodded.
‘He was walking down the streets when some guards ran past him, and people ran past him screaming about a wolf in town’ I would write, ‘ As he ambled down the street, people and guards raced past. “There’s a wolf in town,” they yelled.
‘ The wolf had a scar over its left eye.’ He spotted a scar over the creatures left eye.
‘ "Worry about that later, we have more pressing concerns." He said as the wolf was surrounded on all sides. Behind the wolf was a shop and the wolf bared its teeth at him. "Surrender now, there is no escape." Aner said to it.’ I would write, ‘The guards surrounded the animal. “Surrender now, there is no escape,” He commanded.’
‘The wolf looked at him and sniffed the air and smiled.’ I would write, ‘The wolf glared at him, sniffed the air and smiled.’
‘ Aner (grit) his teeth. "Those were innocent people you mauled!"’ (gritted).

The story the old man told should be in the first person as it is the man himself telling it. Also, I would italics it as well to show it is a story within the main plot.
leaving the man and woman to argue about running his mouth.. Delete this sentence, as you do not really need it.
‘ ( Aner spoke up then). "Not that this fairy tale isn't nice, and you probably have fond memories of this story being told to you as a child. But what does this have to do with you."’ Delete (speech tag) and place it after speech but I would change it to (Aner interrupted.)
‘ Iturri (shakes) his head. "You don't listen very well do you?"’ (shook).
‘ (His face became sad). "That wolf took both my beloved and my unborn child. Luckily I came in time to save you...I would have done anything to make sure you were safe. I would write. (his laughter lines disappeared).’
‘ Sometimes she would even (wore) clothes that exposed her stomach so people could see it.’ (wear).

When there are only two people in a scene, there is no need for speech tags.

‘ He helped us (at) of the kindness in his heart. (out).
‘Then in the crowd he saw people starting to make space around certain people. They dropped on all fours and before his eyes, they became wolves. The people stood aside as they moved to the front of the group and stood between the people and the soldiers. ‘ I would write, ‘The crowd parted and Aner saw more subjects morph into wolves. They surrounded the spectators and the guards backed away.’
‘ The other soldiers were hesitant for a moment, but then also threw down their weapons and joined the crowd who was now near ready to riot. Iturri looked over the crowd and couldn't help but smile.’ I would write, one by one the soldiers threw down their weapons and walked away.’
(‘He screamed at Rodolf. He looked at Iturri) for a moment before getting up and running off the platform, his crown falling off in the process. The crowd booed him as he ran by, and they even threw things at him. Iturri watched him go and sighed in relief. The wolves all raised their heads to the sky and let out a joyous howl. I would write, ‘(He bent down and screamed at his father… He pursed his lips and stared at Iturrn).
‘ ( Iturri laughed. "Of course, the more the merrier." He was thrown off a bit when Arbitio hugged him.) Aner watched over the crowd as Iturri walked off with Marz and Arbitio. He wished he could join them, but he had a service to( fulfill). And perhaps when the kingdom was at peace again...he could run the wilds with the brother he never knew he had. I would write, (Iturn grinned. “We need to rebuild families.” Arbitio hugged him and the young wolf-boy turned red.) (fulfil.)

This is a very good idea for a story and I liked the end. With a little work, this could be the makings of a very good story indeed or a very good start of a novel.
Thank you for sharing.

This review is part of the newbies academy review relay race.
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a great story my friend. I found it thrilling and tear wrenching at the same time. The emotions were very mixed, but I felt them all the way through the story. I enjoyed reading this and thought all three chapters were very well written. Thank you for sharing and have a great weekend.
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
'I rolled to one knee, and with my dry foot, launched (myself) myself head first over the end of the roof. I grabbed the ledge, and flung my back against the wall. Delete(myself).

' He slipped the ring into his pocket and my moment ended. "I owe you one(." Left me to soak in my disappointment.) I would write, {," and left me to soak in my disappointment.)

This is another great chapter. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of My Angel  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is very well written also. I liked this one but it wasn't my favorite work I don't think. It was a bit slow for my taste and I did feel my mind wander. I enjoyed reading it though and for the most part found it entertaining. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Why in the World?  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very nice piece and I agree with the last bit about what more does one need to create anything. I love the way your brain thinks and the way you write. The tone is very witty and I can picture you shrugging your shoulders at the end lol. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of The Last Guardian  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is a good story. It kept me intrigued for most of it, but writing in first person is hard. The writer needs to draw the reader into their world I think to make this kind of story work. You did this to a certain extent though so good job. Thank you for sharing.
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I must be well out of the loop as I have only just heard of the man leaving. I don't know him, so I won't commit. My daughter is gay and I am proud of her. That didn't change when she told me. She is my child and as long as she is happy, well that is all I care about. Saying that, you are my friend, and I don't hold it against you that you are straight. I like or not like someone on their heart and soul. If they act with honor and integrity. If they are kind and generous spirited, (not related to money). That is how I measure if I want someone as a friend. Not on their sexuality. religion or believes. I have a few friends that are homophobic but as long as they respect my point of view, I respect theirs. Hope to speak to you again my friend.
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is another story I found funny. Old people have a tendency to make me giggle. My dad was half deaf and the conversations we had were odd to say the least. I enjoyed reading this story and thank you for sharing. I didn't realize you were a comedy writer.
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I feel off my chair with laughter my friend. It bought back memories of me in my youth and the things I used to get up to. Lets say I can feel for the young couple and got banned from a few places myself lol. This is another great story and thank you for sharing.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a great story my friend. I found the beginning a bit boring and couldn't really get into it until the middle of the story, but the end really sold it for me. It was a very entertaining read and the ending was very sweet. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Sense of Duty  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
'Despite his lack of manners, ragged attire, and obviously homeless status, he seemed distinctly learned, a sense which stemmed from (he) mystery behind his eyes.' (the)

'When I apologized for the noise next
door, citing a strange mechanical failure, the young man who lived there told me he had (head) nothing.' (heard).

' I rallied my strength once again and headed down the winding streets of Arkham to (the) a dilapidated alleyway that ran parallel to the old cemetery. Delete (the).

This is well written and thank you for sharing.
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315
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a good poem but it rambles a bit. My advice, take out the second line of each repeated word. For example 'doing' take out the next line that starts with 'doing.' This will make it more punchy and a better read for the reader. Thank you for sharing.
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
When i post my novel i would like you to give me your honest opinion. I think i have used all your advice and written one that pushes magic as far as it can go. I think your advice is spot on. I have read some of your out of this world stuff and think it is really good. I so hope you publish your novel. Thank you for sharing.
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for entry "Taxonomy of Magi" 
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This piece made me think, and you are right. I learned a lot from reading this and found it highly enlightening. With great power come great responsibility. Anyone welding that much power has to use it for the greater good and not for their own selfish needs. Thank you for sharing.
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for entry "Liven Up a Scene" 
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a good method to use my friend. I tried it and came up with a serial killer confessing his sins to a priest. That's been done before, i hear you cry. This particular serial killer was also a time traveler and he traveled back in time ti right the wrongs of evil men. How about them apples. Like what you did with your story. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Urga Problems  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a good story. Just a few suggestions,

This is a good story. Just a few suggestions,

1) Kreesh snorted at the this thorga-piglet's joke. Even as a piglet she knew the difference between an urga and a demon(, had been tormented by several of each. )She had never been taught to make rules change, like these odd piglets intended. I would write ... These creatures tormented her for as long as she could remember/since childhood.

2 "This will calm your nerves," Corwin said(, putting something in a drink. Then he poured another drink, and wandered to back of the room.) I would write... as he dropped something in her drink. He poured himself one and wandered back into the room.

Good story and plot.
Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Sunken Hope  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I take it this is about child abuse. I can relate, although I was never physically abused, the mental torture I used to suffer as a child was mental. This story has everything. The escape for the child, the sorrow from the mum and the hope that the child may return. Thank you for sharing.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is such a cute little story. I enjoyed Alice in water-land much better and liked all the twists and turns the story had to offer. I wish I was a fly on the wall as the father tried to make sense of the story. This story made me chuckle. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of I'm Fine  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, you can write love. This is a great story. I love the way I was drawn into the story and the ending was epic. The story faded away like the girl. Both of them ending together. Just one thing, the over usage of her name stifled the story a bit, but even that took nothing away from the enjoyment. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Totally at a Loss  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This story I can understand my friend as I feel like this at times. Rather a lot just lately. This is a good little story and I can see this as a very inspirational story for some as she closes her eyes so she can think of something to write. Thank you for sharing.
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a great story and I love Willow the witch. I enjoyed reading this story and smiled at the swing and her knowing about the baby. I liked the fun way it was written as well. This should be made into a book and cannot wait for the next installment. Thank you for sharing.
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I must admit when I started reading this, I wasn't sure. I soon changed my mind as I read on. This is a great story and ,in my opinion should have won. If you came third, the other two must have been exceptional. I loved this story a lot. Thank you for sharing.
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