Started out with some interest but I was unhappy with the stated events of the earth being put in here. I think you have a nice idea for a story to develop, but leave the events of the world and the relation of those events on reality understated, something picked up through thinking. Give this some work. I would like to read something along these lines with a bit more meaning and lebgth.
There are a few misused words, which I am certain you will find as you go through this. You will get interest from those enjoying fantasy, but I would suggest a bigger hook in the beginning to pull non fantasy readers in as well. I like the fact that you perhaps included a potential interest for her so early and I would like to read more once you get back on writing this. You seem to have the right idea here and it would be a shame not to give this story a serious run.
This does have some potential. It needs to be extended and a deeper look made from it. This could be a very interesting story with the humorous horror that could ensue. I would suggest well developed thoughts on this story and turn it into something more.
Though I have developed the look over the world and of the woman, you left me blank on the appearence of the three me, Mauric, Garyt, and Javien. I got tal and short thing, but I want to picture them. You did well with the mental makeup of each them, but would like a bit more physically. The story looks like it can be great when you expand and add to its strengths. I would like to take a look at your work when you do this. Thanks for the read.
Great work with this story. I liked the story as a whole and, speaking from the point of view of my own children, this was very well liked. Printed up the story for them, I hope you don't mind.
You gave a good description and allowed the reader to see your story through its words. It was well written, but I think it may need a little something to hold on to the interest. I waiver a little bit during my read.
I loved the thoughts related in this story. Good start with a very sad/enlightened ending. I feel that the story is great, but you could turn this into an absolutely remarkable piece with a little legth and more about the dream. I would love to reread if you do. This has some amazing potential.
Watch the things like 'women has', you did such as this in a few spots. It is woman has or women have. No complaint just letting you know so you can fix. I am certain you would have eventually noticed it yourself. You exprseed your thoughts on the subject very well and you brought strength to the view through your words. This is a thought provoking piece. You are correct in so many ways, yet I fear you will take a verbal beating by many that simply read the first few paragraphs and turn their mind off to what you are speaking on. That is our modern thinking. The only portion you and I are not in agreement is the covering up. Tasteful cothes yes, but covered no. A man should be aware of himself and take responsibilty to keep his own honor and that of any woman he is intrigued with. Blaming the woman in that respect is simply ridiculous. Your drives are yours. Let me put it this way, should every man be covered from head to toe simply because there are gay me. Anyway, nicely done with this work. Some very sound ideas. I am certain that you and I may both end up bashed.
Hah. I have always assumed that the such things ties up your mind and it becomes a self fufilling prophecy. Thank you for clearing that up. I was told recently by my own that I would be hearing this from someone and that I should simply ignore it. In all hosety, you did a very good job with this story. It was a pleasure for me to have read and reviewed it. The only complaint I have is that you need some punctuation checks in here. Other than that, I enjoyed the read.
Wrapped up the emotions of somebody wanting something so badly into a single moment in time. You did a great job in describing her thoughts and how she felt. Things you do not hear from someone, but feel.
I like the proper speech used within this piece. You explored the story very well and left me with a very good sense of the people and their lives. The proper speech was developed nicely and very smooth since your two characters were well eductaed people. Keep up the good work.
Not what I expected. Was waiting for a miraculous survival or a spiritual ending, but wow. This peace was well constructed and I enjoyed that it was from the view of the one not able to say his piece. Nice touch with this thinker. Very well done.
Comes across more as a testimonial than a short story, but has a well developed point to it. You described the friendship very well and leave the reader with a clear understanding of the man. This was a nice read and I am happy to have done so.
Well, good job of provoking anger. This is deep and only wish it had an ending with a resolution instead of an open end. Rough stuff here and you did well in its presentation.
This would make a great picture book with a little work. A pleasant bit of reading with quite the appeal to children I would think. This has some very good potential.
Marilyn had it rough. Great hook to start the story. I really enjoyed reading your story through journel entries. A very good, well executed idea. I can honestly say that I wuld have no desire for a Cog. He was not a pleasant thing to deal with. Though I like this adaptation I would love to see something from the kids point of view. Thanks.
I thought this was going to be an evil story after the mother uses a mother's thinking to put the father in harms way with the kids over the cat going to prison, pound. You recovered nicely and the fright climbed out of me. This ends up being a nice tale of the cat. It held my interest well and I am in no way a cat person. This piece should have quite a bit of appeal to animal lovers. Good job.
Wasn't sure at first, but then I understood what you were doing. Started over and grew to like the story quite a bit. This was a good idea turned into a well written story. I am rating on appeal as I do not run amock checking for mistakes. Thanks for allowing me to read.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dwc99999/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/26
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 1:30pm on Aug 03, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
