\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ghostranch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/11
Review Requests: OFF
1,747 Public Reviews Given
1,900 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I would characterise my reviews as honest and polite. I try to approach each item as a writer and a reader. I keep writingML to a minimum as it is distracting to me. I am starting to experiment with templates, having never really used one before now -- please bear with me while I try to find one that suits my review style! I always try to be constructive, positive and encouraging in my reviews.
I'm good at...
Reviewing poetry, focusing on emotion, flow and imagery. I have a particular passion for short poetry.
Favorite Genres
Dark, Emotional, Experience, Nature, Personal, Psychology
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica (unless it's tasteful and non-clichéd!), Fanfiction, Religious, Sci-fi, Supernatural, Young Adult
Favorite Item Types
I prefer, and am most confident, reviewing poetry. But I do sometimes review short stories, essays and articles etc.
I will not review...
Erotica (unless it's tasteful and non-clichéd!), Fanfiction, Young Adult fiction, novels or novel chapters (unless I know you very well!), horror items rated above 18+ (though I am happy to review other genres with higher ratings), anything featuring vampires, anything written in "text speak" or any non-static or non-book items (except in special circumstances).
Public Reviews
Previous ... 7 8 9 10 -11- 12 13 14 15 16 ... Next
251
251
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Elijah Jones Author Icon,

Thank you for inviting me to read this item. I found it to be an enjoyable read about a song which has a special meaning in your heart. It may sound overdramatic to say that music is a powerful force in the world, but I firmly believe that is true. I have several favourite songs that I associate with special people or defining moments in my life, so I could really relate to this piece.

I think you have done an excellent job of describing the song and explaining just why it meant so much to you. It is an emotional piece and I felt genuinely moved by it. I think it is beautifully written, it flows wonderfully and my attention was held throughout. I particularly love the last paragraph. It is a satisfying ending to an excellent piece of writing. I can really relate to that urge to escape, as I'm sure a lot of people can. I love the creative way you describe this too, as unlatching your 'mind's door'.

I really don't have any suggestions to make. Thank you for a great read.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
252
252
Review of Emily's Room  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon,

I found this to be a nicely told children's story about a little girl with a very active imagination. I think you did a good job with defining the characters -- they seemed real and their dialogue was natural. The plot is interesting and quite simplistic -- I think most young kids would enjoy reading this!

I just have a few suggestions that you can, of course, use or ignore as you wish. The line beginning 'As she placed the last of the towels...' reads very awkwardly in my opinion. I think this is partly because of the repeat of the word 'as' but also I feel the 'as she heard' part doesn't work so well. I also thought this part didn't read so well:

'It wasn't the first time she had that thought.'

I personally think it sounds better to say 'she'd had'.

Towards the end, you sometimes refer to the dragon as 'it' and sometimes as 'he'. I think it would be better to be consistent.

There were a few other little things, for instance 'what ever' should be 'whatever', so I think the story could benefit from a careful edit. But overall I really enjoyed this charming tale and thought it was a lot of fun. I especially like how the dragon echoes her mum's words!

Thanks for a great read.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
253
253
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May Author Icon,

I enjoyed this short piece about your love of music and I can really relate to it too, especially the part where you describe how you can physically feel the music. I think music is very important to a lot of people and I have several favourite songs that I associate with defining moments of my life.

The only thing I can think to suggest really is to include more details. It might be nice to describe what kind of music you were listening to when you wrote this. Although you wrote Enya in brackets and suggested further on that this is Celtic music, it might be nice to write a little more about this for those of us who haven't really listened to Enya before. Of course that is just a suggestion.

I just have one other picky thing to point out -- I personally don't think the extra exclamation marks after the final word are necessary.

But overall I think this is a wonderful piece of writing. Thanks for a great read. I hope you have found this review helpful.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
254
254
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Harry Author Icon,

I think this is a really lovely poem. It is light-hearted and refreshing and it put a smile on my face. I think you have done an excellent job of setting the scene and conveying a bright, hopeful atmosphere. The imagery is nice, and I particularly enjoyed the part about the pollen-coated cars. I felt this was quite a unique description. I also really like the last two lines and think this is a wonderful conclusion to the poem.

I like the scattered rhyme you used throughout this piece, and think it helps to give the poem a distinct sound. I found the flow was a little uneven in places. I think this is because some of the lines feel a little wordy and I wonder if they can be sharpened a bit. For example, in the very first line, the words 'All of the' are rather unnecessary and could be removed without the poem losing anything. Then in the ninth line, the words 'all help' could be lost without having a negative impact on the poem. Of course this is just my opinion though.

Overall I think this is a nice piece of writing and I truly enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing your work.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
255
255
Review of Bereavement  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Prof Moriarty Author Icon,

Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. contest.

I found this to be a very emotional poem. Of course grief and loss are very common themes in poetry but you have found a creative way to explore them and have told an interesting story.

I personally think the main thing that needs work in this poem is clarifying when the father is speaking and when the narrator is telling his tale. At the moment it is very confusing. The artist consoles his wife Jane but it isn't 100% clear when he is speaking to her and when he isn't. For example, in the third line of the fourth stanza, the artist seems to refer to himself in the third person, which seems a little strange, but then I wasn't sure if this was the narrator's "voice". Does that make sense? Also, why would he need to explain to his wife what their son went through? Surely she already knows? I just found this all a bit confusing.

I found some other parts confusing too. For instance, in the first stanza, I wasn't sure what you meant by his name appearing 'in the bold'. Also in this stanza, I think 'gravel' should be 'gavel'.

The rhythm wasn't quite there for me, particularly towards the end. I think maybe cutting down some of the longer, drawn out lines could really help to improve the flow. But of course this is just my opinion.

Overall I think this is a nice poem which really has potential. Thank you for sharing your work. I hope you have found this review helpful.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
256
256
Review of Blessings  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Prof Moriarty Author Icon,

I am one of the judges of the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. contest. Thank you for entering round 3.

I think this is a sweet poem that nicely conveys your joy about the arrival of your child. It is a lovely tribute to your daughter!

Unfortunately you didn't quite meet the form prompt requirements. Remember, the Rispetto should have eight syllables in each line and should also be written in iambic metre. Only the second line of stanza two has the correct syllabic and accentual metre, so if you wanted to work on this poem some more, you could use that line to help you. The rhyme scheme is mostly fine but I wasn't sure about the benevolent/pleasant rhyme. It just doesn't sound quite right in my opinion.

Overall I think this is a brave attempt at the form and I can see you put a lot of effort into it. I think if you want to work on making this a true Rispetto you need to concentrate on cutting down some of your lines to get the correct syllable count. The iambic metre can be worked on after that! Good luck if you do decide to make some changes and thank you for sharing this poem. I hope you have found my review helpful.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
257
257
Review of Genres  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello An apple a day.... Author Icon,

I think this poem is great. You have executed the form perfectly (as far as I can tell!) and I like your use of colour to highlight the contrasting halves of the poem. I think you chose a good subject and made some strong word choices. You seem to have thought carefully about where to place each word so they have maximum impact. I liked how you placed 'amusing' and 'pleasing' either side of a word that doesn't end with 'sing'. I think that line has a nice ring to it! I also liked the subtle alliteration and the poem sounds great when read out loud.

Thanks for a great read.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
258
258
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Balloon*


Hello Luna Author Icon,

I really enjoyed this poem and I'm sure most people would be able to relate to it. It seems that liking someone who doesn't even know you exist is a part of growing up. This took me back to my school days where me and my friends all had crushes on guys who didn't ever seem to notice us! This is a fun poem about girl who decides enough is enough. She's tired of playing games and wants to take drastic action to get the guy's attention. I think you have done a good job of conveying the emotions while keeping the poem light-hearted and quirky.

The poem mostly flows wonderfully but I felt the rhythm slipped in the sixth and seventh lines. I felt these lines were too long. I'm sorry I don't have any particular suggestions but I think these lines could be shortened to keep the fast, snappy beat that is present in the rest of the poem. Of course this is just my opinion.

I feel the last line doesn't quite have the impact it should because the narrator has given the boy plenty of opportunities to notice her. If her last drastic action doesn't work, why should he get one more chance? I think maybe you could change this to something like 'Either notice me this instance/'Cause you won't get another chance'. Or maybe you can come up with something better if you agree this line needs some work.

Overall I think this is a good poem that perhaps just needs a little polishing. I really liked the humour of it. Thanks for a great read.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
259
259
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Ẃeβ࿚Ẃỉtcĥ Author Icon,

I really enjoyed this fun-filled poem. It's a little bit silly, but in a good way, and I enjoyed the humour of it. I particularly liked your creative invented word! The rhythm of this piece is good and the rhyme scheme is strong, and quirky in places. The only part I didn't get was the 'but good' part in the final stanza. I wasn't entirely sure what could be good about the situation! But that is a very minor thing. Overall I think this is a well-written, witty piece of writing. Thanks for the laugh.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
260
260
Review of The Pirate's Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Sena Slaughter Author Icon,

This is a heart-wrenching tale of lost love and grief. Those are common themes in poetry, of course, but you have found a fresh way to explore them and created a captivating piece of writing.

I felt that the structure you chose for this poem created some problems as you often had to stretch to fit the rhyme scheme by twisting sentences unnaturally. Sometimes I felt this was okay and even helped to give the poem a quaint feel, which seemed to work alongside the subject of pirates. But at other times, it really sticks out. As an example, I don't think the second line of the third stanza reads smoothly, and there were several other places like this. Maybe you could read the poem aloud, if you haven't already? I often find that helps me to find awkward parts. Also, I felt you could drop the word 'it' after the word 'heart' in both the first and final stanza as it sounds a little odd in my opinion.

But overall I think this is a nice poem and the ending really has an impact. I just feel it needs a little polishing. I hope you have found this review helpful. Thank you for sharing your work.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
261
261
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello kiyasama,

This is a wonderful tribute written to you by a friend as a birthday gift. You must have been overwhelmed to have received something so special and personal. I know I would have been! It is beautifully written, with emotion shining in every single line. I don't know you very well but the poem gives great insight into the sort of person you are and suggests you are definitely someone worth knowing!

Thank you for sharing this heart-warming piece.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
262
262
Review of Men in Black  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Hyperiongate Author Icon,

I really enjoyed this quirky, little story. It is amazing to me that somebody can write an interesting, witty, full story in so few words, but that is what you have done. All the characters are well-defined through their actions -- we learn that Jeb is kind of cranky and won't hesitate to defend what is his. The men in black are so enthusiastic in their work that they won't let getting shot at deter them. We even get a sense of what Thelma is like in just a few sentences!

I think the story is nicely paced and the dialogue reads naturally, helping to move the story along.

The only part of this lively story I felt was a little lacklustre was the part where Jeb accidentally fires off a round. Although I love the actions that lead up to this, the actual event itself doesn't have quite as much impact in my opinion. I felt there was scope here to make this part more dramatic.

But overall I think this story is fantastic and I love the ending. Thanks for a great read.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
263
263
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ArizonaHeat Author Icon,

I am one of the judges of the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. contest. Thank you for entering round 1.

I found this to be a very ambitious and dramatic poem that beautifully depicts the life of a tree through the seasons and the lessons we can learn from it. There are many striking descriptions that created some wonderful images in my mind. I particularly liked the 'emerald flakes' description and the part about the roots creating pockets.

I have a few suggestions and points that you can, of course, use or ignore as you wish. Firstly, although I really enjoyed a lot of the language and descriptions, I felt the poem was too heavy on the details in places and it becomes a little repetitive. As an example, in stanza four we are told how the tree is transformed 'into a burst of energy, color, and sound' with the leaves sparkling. In stanza five you describe the lush 'spring outfit'. In stanza six we are told the tree 'flourishes'. To me, these descriptions are all basically saying the same thing and creating the same images over and over. I'd suggest looking for places where descriptions are repeated and seeing if you can cut some of them out to tighten up the writing.

The masked/unmasked theme really didn't work for me. I felt it was a bit odd to describe the tree in winter as masked seeing as the tree is stripped of its leaves. I just don't think this part works as well as other parts of the poem.

I noticed several errors in this poem, for example, in the part beginning 'the tree sheds it mask...', 'it' should be 'its'. I don't think a comma is needed after the word 'yellow-tail'. I noticed several grammatical errors so I think this piece could be greatly enhanced by a careful edit.

Overall I think this is a strong, beautifully written poem, filled with emotion and thought-provoking themes. I really enjoyed reading it. I hope you have found this review helpful but please let me know if you need me to clarify anything I have said. Thanks for a great read.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
264
264
Review of Heaven Sent  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Just call me Omni Author Icon,

Oh this is wonderful! I love poetry like this -- it was clearly written from the heart and that makes it such a poignant read. The emotions are beautifully expressed and conveyed well to the reader. There are so many breathtakingly beautiful lines and striking descriptions. The opening stanza is probably my favourite but I love the whole poem. You have used repetition to great effect here -- just enough for it to have an impact but not too much that is becomes grating. The whole poem has a lovely flow, I was swept through it from start to finish without stumbling one. There isn't much more I can say really! I think it is perfect as it is.

Thanks for a great read.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
265
265
Review of Witches' Brew  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Just call me Omni Author Icon,

This is a fun poem. It offers a new, creative approach to the idea of not judging on appearances, I suppose. I liked the twist and the ending made me laugh.

You have a strong rhyme scheme, though I wasn't sure of the pot/sought rhyme (this may just be a difference in pronunciation). The rhythm is a little off in places, in my opinion. This could be because of the inconsistent syllable count. Maybe you could try reading it aloud? I often find that helps me to identify where a poem doesn't flow so well.

I stumbled at the opening because of the use of the phrases 'in mist' and 'in fog', one after the other. I just don't think the second line flows on easily from the first one and I think you need some form of punctuation after the word 'mist' anyway. Maybe something like this could work:

'In a village cloaked in mist --
a mist as thick as pea soup --'

I just think this helps to tie the two lines together in a more definite way. You could even use brackets, like this:

'In a village cloaked in mist
(a mist as thick as pea soup)'

Do you see what I mean? I'm not sure I've explained my point very well.

I wasn't sure of the use of the word 'their' before 'frightening group' in the first stanza either. I personally think 'a frightening group' reads better as I was left thinking I'd missed something, like you'd already described who the group are, if that makes sense.

But overall I really enjoyed this. I love the quirkiness of it and the humour. It's a great piece that I just feel needs a little polishing. Thanks for the laugh!

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
266
266
Review of Monster  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Just call me Omni Author Icon,

This is review 2/3

I think this is another very powerful and emotionally stirring read. It isn't an easy read because of the subject matter, but you have handled a tough, intense topic sensitively and created a hard-hitting poem that will probably stay with me for a while. I think the opening three lines are fantastic. They immediately grabbed my attention and made me want to read on. I like how you put a fresh spin on a theme that has been explored many times. I have read many poems that take you right to the moment of abuse, but very few like this that make me think about what happens to the victim afterwards and what they still have to go through.

I love the form you have used here and am feeling tempted to give it a go myself! You have made excellent use of assonance and the poem flows wonderfully. The only really picky thing I can think of to mention is that a couple of lines feel a little forced: lines fourteen and sixteen. The word 'most' in line fourteen seems like a filler word which is there just to fit the syllable count. I personally think it isn't pulling its weight and could be dropped! Then I guess 'vile' could be replaced with a two syllable word. Then again, the assonance of 'hiding' and 'vile' is rather nice, so I don't know! In line sixteen you had to drop the word 'the' before 'blinding' to fit the syllable count and I don't think it reads naturally. But of course this is just my opinion!

Overall I think this is a strong and thought-provoking poem that really packs an emotional punch. Thank you for a great read.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
267
267
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Just call me Omni Author Icon,

Thank you for bidding on my package in your auction! This is review 1/3

This is an incredibly powerful and poignant piece of writing. The subject is one I have thought about a lot for various reasons, the main one being a friend tried to commit suicide just a few weeks ago. Thankfully she changed her mind and got herself to the hospital before too much damage could be done. I'm so glad I read this piece. It is emotionally intense but your message is strong and passionately conveyed. It must have taken so much courage just to write this, let alone share it with others.

(I just noticed one very tiny thing, you use the phrase 'in my life' twice in the second sentence after the song lyrics and it is a little jarring. I'd suggest removing the second one. That is a very minor thing though).

Overall this is an excellent read. It is beautifully written and the song lyrics and poem fit in nicely, adding to the emotion. The closing paragraph is fantastic and I should think you have helped many people who have read this. It has helped me. Thank you for sharing this.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
268
268
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Balloon*


Hello JudyB Author Icon,

I'm glad I read this article. I tend to think a lot about death at this time of year as the anniversaries of my brother and grandparent's deaths are in February and March. I think this is a well-written article that encourages people to look at death in a different way. The story you tell to help explain your views is nicely told, if a little sad. I liked the emotion of this part -- I don't usually expect to feel moved by an essay! It reminded me of the last time I saw My Granddad -- I was able to say goodbye and tell him I love him, as were all the family. He died later that day, surrounded by family and love.

There was just one very small thing that stood out to me in this essay. In the sentence beginning 'One elderly gentlemen...', the word 'now' sounds a little odd and is kind of jarring because the sentence is in the past tense.

That's a very minor thing though and overall I think this is a great article. There is a good mix of emotion, introspection and advice. Thanks for a great read.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
269
269
Review of Whispering Wishes  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Daizy May Author Icon,

This is a very emotionally stirring poem about hopes and dreams. It could easily have become quite cloying but you toned it down and provided a creative and interesting way of looking at the subject. I think you made good use of alliteration and assonance in this poem to give it a strong sound. I particularly like the opening stanza.

The third stanza, to me, feels a little forced and I wonder if there is a way to make it read more naturally. I just feel that phrases like 'I've not been' and 'never have run' etc read quite awkwardly. It sounds more natural to say 'I've never been' and 'I've never run'. Of course this is just my opinion.

Also, staying with the same stanza, I think you are missing a comma after the word 'met'.

In the fourth stanza, I think the repetition of the word 'whisper' becomes a little grating. But again, this is just based on my own opinion and personal taste. I often have little patience for repetition such as this in poetry, but of course that doesn't make it wrong!

Overall I think this is a lovely piece of writing and I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing your work.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
270
270
Review of The Invisible Man  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Fyn Author Icon,

I enjoyed this story though, to be honest, it took me a while to get into it. I just felt it was a little too heavy on description in places and some of the longer sentences have a rather "clunky" feel to them, in my opinion, which occasionally lost my attention. This is probably just me though -- it just isn't the sort of writing style that captivates me.

Having said that, I think the story really picks up towards the end and I found myself becoming more and more absorbed in it. I like the main character and I was genuinely moved by the ending. I did not see the twist coming, so that was a nice surprise.

Thanks for sharing your work.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
271
271
Review of Morning Shower  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Just call me Omni Author Icon,

I am one of the judges of the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. contest. Thank you very much for entering round 3.

I have to say, it is very daunting reviewing a poem that the author has written in a form they created! I'll give it a go though!

I like what you did here, turning something ordinary into something more interesting and exciting. I really like the atmosphere you have created with this poem too -- it is kind of relaxing, in a way, but also has an invigorating energy about it. I certainly felt refreshed after reading! I think you have done a great job of conveying how your character felt -- it is very clear that she was feeling tired and tense, but the shower relaxes and revives her.

The rhyme scheme for your created form is interesting and I really do think it could work. However, some of your rhymes feel a little forced in my opinion, particularly in the first stanza. As an example, the fifth line seems quite odd and I was left wondering 'what pretences'? It just seemed a little unnatural to me.

The rhythm wasn't entirely smooth for me and I think this is because of the use of long, drawn-out lines. That kind of reminded me of the CinqTroisDecaLa Rhyme form, where each line has to be fifteen syllables long and it is hard to get it to flow! I just think it is hard to maintain a rhythm in a rhyming poem if the lines are so long because it feels too wordy and the impact of the rhyme is lost and feels kind of tagged on at the end. Of course this is just my personal opinion.

I think it would be very easy to tighten up some of the lines, which might help to enhance the flow. As an example, in the fourth line, the phrase 'of that which is' reads very awkwardly. I think the line sounds better like this: 'as she turns towards the source that is lowering her defenses'. In the third line of stanza two, although I like the alliteration here, I feel the word 'rapidly' could be lost. Ironically, it kind of slows the pace!

There was just one more minor thing I think I should mention. The description of the shower as a 'cold steel box' conjures up a very strange image in my mind. This is probably just me, but it brought to mind the "Chokey" from Roald Dahl's book "Matilda", which I don't really think was the effect you were going for! Maybe it's just because I've never seen a steel shower. I've seen tiled showers or glass and chrome ones, but 'steel' seemed like an odd word choice to me. I may be wrong though, of course, perhaps steel showers are common in some places!

Overall I really enjoyed this light-hearted, refreshing poem. It is very creative and has a nice tone to it. Thank you very much for sharing your work. I hope you have found this review helpful.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
272
272
Review of Angel  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello WhirlwindX Author Icon,

I found this to be a lovely little romantic poem. I think anyone would feel honoured to have such a poem written about them! I think you have done a good job of conveying the emotions of the person who is watching this beautiful girl and seemingly plucking up the courage to approach her. There isn't much in terms of imagery in this piece. I just feel some concrete images could enhance it, helping to engage readers. Instead, the poem has a kind of vague feeling that I found hard to connect to. Of course this is just my experience and other readers may not agree with me.

There are a few things that could use some attention in this poem. I wasn't sure why the word 'should' is capitalised when you don't use capitalisations anywhere else in the poem. Also, I wasn't sure the question mark was necessary after 'name'. I think in the line beginning 'be her protector...' you are missing a word, maybe the word 'for' after 'protector'?

Overall I think this is a nice poem and I particularly like the ending. Thank you for sharing this.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
273
273
Review of Winter Moments  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello keystomykarma Author Icon,

I really enjoyed this poem. It has a lovely, soft rhythm to it and some of the phrasing is beautiful. I think you have done a really good job of setting the scene and creating a warm, cosy atmosphere.

The poem is really fine as it is and I would understand if you didn't want to change a thing but the following points are just things you may want to consider if you did choose to work on this some more. I'm probably just being picky! Firstly, the opening two lines are quite weak in comparison with the rest of the poem in my opinion. Snow always gets described as a blanket so this is a little jaded. Most of what follows this part is so unique and fresh I just felt the opening could be stronger and needs to have more of an impact.

Secondly, the phrase 'peaceful quiet' sticks out to me and I can't quite work out why!

Thirdly, the last few lines of the second part read awkwardly to me. The phrase 'with its inspirations' didn't sound natural to me and I found it hard to get my thoughts around what you meant here.

These are fairly minor things though and overall I think this is a wonderful piece of writing. I really enjoyed the subtlety of it and I love your closing lines. Thank you very much for a great read.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
274
274
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello OneFrighteningLittleMonster123 Author Icon,

This is an interesting premise for a story, but I'm really not sure how plausible it is. It seems to me that the doctors would decide which of the men needed the transplant most and not leave this decision with the men's wives. Then again, I'm certainly not an expert and I may be wrong!

That aside, I think you have a good story start here. Your characters are interesting and realistic, particularly Stella. I like the way you show what their relationship with each other is like through their actions. I particularly liked the part where Jesse accidentally scares Stella and she playfully hits him. I thought that was a nice moment. I think their dialogue is natural and helps to move the story along. The writing is nicely paced and my attention was held until the end of the chapter.

I noticed several errors in this piece so I think it could be greatly enhanced by a careful edit. These are the ones I caught:

In the sentence beginning 'The rain had been...' 'to' should be 'too'.
'
In this part '...things were well worth her wile' I believe 'wile should be 'while'.

In both these parts 'In the new houses tiny kitchen' and '...the houses best feature' the word 'houses' needs an apostrophe.

In this bit '“I’ve go to go now' should the first go be 'got'?

I think 'quite' should be 'quiet' in this part: 'speeding up the quite little street towards her quite little job.'

And finally, 'un eventful' should be written as 'uneventful'.

One other thing, the part about the teacher Jodi seems to stick out. Unless this information about her plays an important role later on in the story, I'd suggest cutting it out as it doesn't add anything to the story or help to move it along in any way.

Overall I think this is an interesting idea and I think you have a strong opening chapter. I wish you the best of luck with your story. Thank you for sharing your work.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
275
275
Review of Shattered Tears  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Amy James Author Icon,

I found this to be a sad story about heartbreak, loss and grief. It may be a short piece but it certainly has a lot of emotional impact. The ending took me by surprise and I enjoyed it. I love that you end this story so positively. I think you have done a good job with the main character. Abby is well-defined and her pain is realistic and easy to connect to.

The story is heavy on description. That isn't necessarily a bad thing but you repeat a lot of the same descriptions, which makes the writing a little jaded in my opinion. I think you describe her tears too often and it sticks out in such a short piece. I think maybe you could vary the vocabulary a bit and that this could enhance the writing a bit.

But overall I think this is a nice story and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing your work.

~Jess.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
522 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 21 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ghostranch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/11