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1,747 Public Reviews Given
1,900 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I would characterise my reviews as honest and polite. I try to approach each item as a writer and a reader. I keep writingML to a minimum as it is distracting to me. I am starting to experiment with templates, having never really used one before now -- please bear with me while I try to find one that suits my review style! I always try to be constructive, positive and encouraging in my reviews.
I'm good at...
Reviewing poetry, focusing on emotion, flow and imagery. I have a particular passion for short poetry.
Favorite Genres
Dark, Emotional, Experience, Nature, Personal, Psychology
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica (unless it's tasteful and non-clichéd!), Fanfiction, Religious, Sci-fi, Supernatural, Young Adult
Favorite Item Types
I prefer, and am most confident, reviewing poetry. But I do sometimes review short stories, essays and articles etc.
I will not review...
Erotica (unless it's tasteful and non-clichéd!), Fanfiction, Young Adult fiction, novels or novel chapters (unless I know you very well!), horror items rated above 18+ (though I am happy to review other genres with higher ratings), anything featuring vampires, anything written in "text speak" or any non-static or non-book items (except in special circumstances).
Public Reviews
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Review of Damaged Goods  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello ShellySunshine Author Icon,

This is a beautiful poem, Michelle. It was clearly written from the heart. There is so much emotion in this piece, making it a poignant read. The poem has a wonderful flow, which is enhanced by the subtle rhyme you used throughout. I think the last stanza is my favourite--there are some clever, striking phrases here.

I just noticed a few grammatical errors. In the second stanza, I don't think you need the commas at the ends of the first and third lines. I don't think the comma in the middle of the third line is necessary either. In the final stanza, I don't think the dash after 'more' works. The dash after 'soul' is technically a hyphen so you either need to write it as two hyphens like this: -- or a longer dash, like this: —

Overall I think this is a wonderful poem. I especially love the last two lines and they tugged at my heartstrings. Thank you for sharing this.

~Jess.

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Review of Sailing Huitian  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello sssam-on the way back Author Icon,

I am one of the judges of the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. contest. Thank you very much for entering round 1.

I enjoyed this poem. It has such a sense of fun and freedom that I could really connect to, though I have never been sailing before.

I think you have successfully followed the form prompt, sticking to the eight lines and eight syllables per lines of the Huitain form. Your rhyme scheme is mostly very good, though I think the word 'gaze' is a little weak. I think I'm just being picky though!

I think the flow of this poem is mostly nice but I stumbled at the sixth and seventh lines. I think this is because the sixth line is phrased awkwardly. I think 'Sailings' should be 'Sailing's', with an apostrophe. Also, at the moment this reads as if the sailing has joy rather than the sailor, when I do not think this was your intention. Maybe something like this could work:

'The joy of sailing is too strong'.

Or you may be able to think of an alternative if you wish to work on this more. The seventh line, somehow, seems to miss a beat, even though it has the correct number of syllables and I'm not entirely sure it makes sense. Maybe something like this could work:

'The horizon's now in his gaze'.

Of course that is just a suggestion and you must do what you think is best for your poem.

Overall I think this is a nice piece of writing. I enjoyed the atmosphere and the light-hearted tone. Thank you for sharing your work.

~Jess.

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Review of November Rain  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello kittiara,

I really enjoyed this poem and have read it through three times already! I think it has a wonderful flow and I love the sound of it--you have really used subtle rhyme and assonance to great effect. The song titles fit in perfectly. I like some of the creative phrases, such as the fifth and sixth lines. I love the ending too, and think it has such an impact. There isn't much more I can say--I think this is perfect! I'm glad I read this one. Thank you for sharing your work.

~Jess.

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Review of Wedding Blues  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon,

I think this is an interesting poem. I have not come across the Pantoum form before so I appreciate the explanation you have provided. It looks very complex! I really like the atmosphere of this piece--it is bright and happy and I think you have done a great job of describing a joyous occasion.

I think this poem has a good rhyme scheme but the rhythm wasn't quite there for me and I can't really work out why. It might just be the form, as the repetition seems to slow the pace a bit. I noticed several awkward lines in this poem, for example, the repeated line beginning 'Frenzied rhythm...' I'm afraid I just cannot get my thoughts around this line and the meaning has been lost on me. I do like the phrase 'Frenzied rhythm' though! Also, the line beginning 'Union sanctified...' reads quite awkwardly and I think this is because you seem to have inverted the natural phrase to fit the rhyme scheme. It sounds more natural to say 'he ties yellow thread' in my opinion, but of course this doesn't fit. I'm afraid I cannot think of any particular suggestions to make.

Overall I think this is a nice poem and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing your work.

~Jess.

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Review of My Soul  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Balloon*


Hello piewhackett1,

I think this is a good poem about your beliefs and your love of God. I am not a particularly spiritual person myself, so could not connect with the message on that level, but I enjoyed the emotion of this piece. It is clear this was written from the heart and that makes it an engaging read.

I like the structure of this poem and think you have a strong rhyme scheme. I think it could have a good flow but I noticed several grammatical errors that disrupted the rhythm. You have placed a full stop at the end of every line, sometimes even when the sentence carries on to the next line, and I think this distracts the reader and creates lots of unnatural pauses. As an example, the third and fourth lines of stanza one make up one complete sentence, so you do not need the full stop or any other form of punctuation at the end of the third line at all.

I think a semicolon could replace some of the other full stops, for instance in the second from last line. This is because the last two lines seem to be connected to each other. There are several other places in this poem where the punctuation might need some attention, so I think it could be greatly enhanced by a careful edit.

Overall I think this is a nice poem and the emotion really shines through. I enjoyed reading it.

Thank you.

~Jess.

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Review of The Beast  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Write-fully Loti Author Icon,

I really enjoyed this story. I have never written a story which only contains dialogue before but I can imagine it is very challenging! Therefore I think it is quite an achievement that you have written a coherent story that is filled with suspense. There's even a twist ending which I thought was brilliant and did not see coming!

I felt some of the dialogue in this piece was a little stilted and forced. At first I didn't realise the two main characters were children and I think this is because their dialogue is a little formal. I think it could be tightened up a bit especially as children tend not to speak in such a long-winded manner as adults. Also, because Samantha is frightened, I feel her dialogue would be much shorter and sharper, for instance this part:

'“I hear footsteps coming towards us now.”'

This doesn't read naturally to me but maybe something like this would be more suitable:

'I hear footsteps. Someone's coming.'

Or something like that! The same goes for the part beginning: '“This door seems to be locked. I can’t open it.' etc. I realise you need to get Samantha's actions across to the reader and you can only do this through her dialogue, but would a person really speak like this? I don't think the word 'seems' is necessary. If she thinks the door is locked at first she probably wouldn't say 'seems to be locked'. I'm afraid I do not have any other specific suggestions and of course this is just my personal opinion!

One other small thing, near the end you use several ellipses to great effect, showing the reader where the character pauses in her speech as she fumbles for the light switch. But an ellipsis is only made up of three full stops (periods) like this ...

Overall I think this is a strong story and I think the ending is fantastic. I like that you managed to inject some humour into this intense and suspense-filled piece! I hope you have found my review helpful. Thank you very much for a great read.

~Jess.

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Review of January 26th  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Fyn Author Icon,

I think this is a very intense piece of writing. The reader isn't entirely clear on what has happened but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think the strength of this piece is in the emotions you have so effectively conveyed--the fear feels real and you have brilliantly built up the suspense. I think the repetition works well in this story and the ending has such an impact. I love some of the unique and striking phrases you have used too, such as the bit about freedom near the end and the part about the heartbeat.

I think maybe there is an error with the writing ML near the end of the piece as some parts are in italics when I don't think they should be. Sorry if I'm wrong!

Overall I think this is a fantastic piece. It is dark and atmospheric. And pretty frightening too! Thanks for a great read.

~Jess.

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Review of Ever Near To You  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello VictoriaMcCullough Author Icon,

I love the structure of this poem. I think it works extremely well and I'm feeling tempted to try it out myself! I like it when a writer isn't afraid to modify a form to make it work for them. A form should never impede creativity of course!

I think the flow in the first stanza of this poem is wonderful but I feel it slips a little in the following stanzas. I think this is because you seem to have used iambic metre in the first stanza but then not continued this. Sorry if I'm wrong--I'm still learning when it comes to metre.

Obviously this is a very personal poem and because of that, some of the phrases are a little obscure and hard to connect to. I'm sure this is a wonderful tribute to the person you wrote it to though!

Overall I think this is a lovely piece of writing and I enjoyed reading it.

~Jess.

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Review of Without You  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello ElaineElaine Author Icon,

This is a sweet poem that put a smile on my face. I love short, syllabic forms such as the dodoitsu and I think you have done a great job with this one, including elements of humour and romance. I love the sentiments you express in this poem and I like the creative, witty comparisons. The only critical thing I have to say really is I'm not sure so much repetition in such a short piece works. I found it disrupted the flow of the poem when I read it out loud. But I don't know, maybe I'm being too picky! I really do think this is a lovely little poem. I'm glad I read this light-hearted, fun piece. Thank you for a great read.

~Jess.

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Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello DyrHearte writes Author Icon,

I think this is a charming short story. I am not a particularly spiritual person but I enjoyed this nonetheless. It is an emotional piece about death and grief. These are common themes for writing, of course, but I feel you have approached them in an interesting and refreshing way. I think the characters in this piece were well-drawn and their dialogue was natural and helped the story to flow. I absolutely adored the part where the child wiped away her tears and then said: '...But my eyes miss her, see?"' How wonderful is that!

I just noticed a couple of small things. In the second sentence of the sixth paragraph should 'who' be 'who'd' or 'who had'? I'm not entirely sure but I think it reads more smoothly.

Towards the end of the story I felt the word 'tears' got repeated a lot and it gets almost jaded in a way. Can you vary the vocabulary a bit? If you agree with me of course! Perhaps you could describe them as 'rivers' or a 'wetness on the cheeks'. Just something to add a bit of variation so the language doesn't become stale. Of course in the child's dialogue, she'd probably use the word 'tears'. I can see that the repetition in that part is unavoidable!

Overall I think this is a beautifully written, emotional piece of writing and I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing your work.

~Jess.

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Review of GRAND ILLUSION  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello David J IS Death & Taxes Author Icon,

I really enjoyed this story. It's such an unusual piece. I loved the beginning--it immediately grabbed my attention and made me want to read on. I like how you use the stopped clock at the end of the story too--it is a very satisfying ending. I'm not sure I totally understood it all but I like that it has got me thinking.

I just noticed one small possible error/typo here:

'Dr. Herb’s was introducing his next guest,'

Should that be 'Dr Herb'?

That's just a minor thing though and overall I thought this was a well-written and creative piece of writing.I'm glad you included the contest prompt beneath the story and I think you made good use of it! Thank you for sharing your work.

~Jess.

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Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Dave Author Icon,

I enjoyed reading this short non-fictional piece. I used to ride horses when I was a child so this brought back some good memories. I have never trained a horse though! I would have liked to have known more about what is involved in training a horse so if you wanted to expand this piece, you could consider adding a little bit about that. Of course that is just a suggestion. As it is, this item is very interesting anyway. I loved your description of the foals as 'All legs'!

I just noticed one small error/typo in this piece. I think 'twentythree' should probably be 'twenty-three'.

But overall I think this is a great item and I love the ending. Thank you for sharing it.

~Jess.

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Review of The Teddy Bear  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jewel Busy Busy Busy! Author Icon,

This is an intense and emotional story. It may not be a long piece but it certainly has an impact. I really felt for the main character and I think you have done an excellent job of conveying her loneliness and sadness to the reader. The idea of her celebrating her birthday alone, with just a teddy bear for company, is rather heartbreaking. I think your character is very well-defined and I felt I could connect with her. Despite her sad situation she still has spirit and I like that she decided to not just mope around feeling sorry for herself.

I noticed a few errors in this story so I think it could be greatly enhanced by a careful edit. I think you need a comma after 'apartment' in the first sentence. I like your opening paragraph but I feel you need to do something so that reader knows how much time has passed because it isn't clear at the moment and reads a little awkwardly.

In the second paragraph I think 'chocked' should be 'choked'. In the same paragraph, I think this part needs a little attention:

'Sighing, she blew out the candle and pulling off the wrapper, ate a small piece.'

I think you need to make it clearer that she is eating the cake because at the moment it reads as if she is eating the candle or the wrapper! This can easily be remedied with a little rewording, maybe something like this: 'she blew out the candle, unwrapped the cupcake and ate a small piece.' Or something like that!

But overall I think this is a good story. It is a unique piece and I love the ending. I feel you have ended it on a hopeful and happy note. Thank you very much for a great read.

~Jess.

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Review of I Remember  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Cubby Author Icon,

Wow this poem packs an emotional punch. It made me cry! I am lucky that nobody in my family has been touched by this awful disease but your poem has helped me to understand what that must be like. It is an intense piece and an emotional one.

The structure is great--you have a strong rhyme scheme and have mostly maintained a strong rhythm. The only parts I had trouble with were the first line of the third stanza and the fifth stanza. I think with the first line of the third stanza, the wording is just a little off. I would be more inclined to say: 'I could not, at first, accept it'. I think it reads more easily but of course this is just my personal opinion. I'm not entirely sure what to suggest for the fifth stanza. Maybe removing the word 'you' before 'slippers' could help a little but I don't know! Sorry I can't be more helpful than that.

Overall I think this is a powerful and poignant piece of writing. The last stanza absolutely broke my heart. Thank you very much for sharing this. I think it is going to stay with me for a long time.

~Jess.

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Review of A REASON TO LIVE  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello COUNTRYMOM Author Icon,

I think this is a heartbreaking poem and one I can relate to, to some extent. It isn't an easy read because of the content but it is a well-written and moving piece. I think you have done an excellent job of conveying the complex mix of emotions: distress, hopelessness desperation etc. The fifth stanza, in particular is very powerful in my opinion.

I think the poem has a good structure--the rhyme scheme is good and the rhythm is mostly very nice. I just felt it slipped in a couple of places when I read the poem aloud. I love the repetition--I think it is very effective.

Overall I think this is a poignant and powerful piece of writing and it has stirred my feelings. Thank you for sharing your work.

~Jess.

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Review of Ariadne  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Legerdemain Author Icon,

I think this is a lovely little poem. It is subtle in a good way and I think it has a beautiful flow to it. I think your use of subtle rhyme and assonance really helps with this.

I'm guessing "Ariadne" is a mythical reference but I know nothing about it! Therefore I didn't quite get the ending of this poem. I'm afraid I also couldn't get my thoughts around the second stanza. I think the message is a little muddled here, and the last line of this stanza in particular threw. I wasn't sure what you meant here--who can claim what and why?

I think you have several unnecessary commas in this piece too. I'm certainly not an expert when it comes to punctuation but I do not think you need commas at the ends of lines one, three, five and maybe nine.

Overall I think this is a nice piece of writing and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing your work.

~Jess.

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Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Balloon*


Hello rjsimonson Author Icon,

I think this is a lovely poem. The use of colour and italics make it very visually appealing. The poem has a wonderful flow and I like the mystical atmosphere. There are some striking language choices which create some beautiful, yet sad images and the repetition of 'silver river' is very effective.

I just noticed one small error--I do not think the comma after 'prove' in the second from last line is necessary. I think it creates an unnatural pause.

I really like the first two lines of stanza three but almost wish there was more detail! I was interested in who dealt the blow and why etc. Was it another unicorn? Did they fight? Why? I like that this poem has captured my interest and got me thinking! If you wanted to work on this piece some more you could consider expanding this part.

Overall I think this is a beautiful piece of writing and I really enjoyed reading it.

~Jess.

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And proud Paper Doll Gang member *Bigsmile*
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Review of The Ferris Wheel  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello JACE Author Icon,

I really enjoyed this poem. What a great form--it is just perfect for the subject, isn't it? I haven't used this form before so I appreciate the explanation. I think I may have to give it ago some time! This is a fun piece and I think you have done an excellent job with getting it to flow--the internal rhyme and assonance are very effective and give the poem a strong sound. The last three lines of this poem are my favourites--what a great ending! Thank you very much for sharing this.

~Jess.

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Review of "The Best Gift"  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Ẃeβ࿚Ẃỉtcĥ Author Icon,

I think this is a great story. It may be a short piece but it still has an impact. I'm always amazed at how much detail can be put into flash fiction and how fleshed out the characters can be. Despite the big clue I was not expecting that ending at all! I think it is brilliant and it gave me shivers. I love that you have managed to put a twist into such a short story! The whole piece is filled with emotion. It certainly stirred my feelings anyway! Thank you very much for sharing this. I really enjoyed it.

~Jess.

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Review of Blanket of Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello missbiggs,

I think this is a poignant piece of writing. Emotion shines from every line. I'm sure many people can relate to the "message" of this piece. I know I can! I think you have done an excellent job of getting the emotions across to the reader. The poem is filled with sadness and longing.

I just have a few suggestions that you can, of course, use or ignore as you wish. I think the repetition of this part could be effective:

'I need to feel
that blanket of love
to surround me'

But at the moment it reads a little awkwardly. I think the word 'to' can be removed without losing any of the meaning. I feel it disrupts the flow.

I think you have a typing error in the fourteenth line as you have used the word 'I' twice and it doesn't really make much sense.

You use end-line punctuation only once in this poem. I personally think it is best to be consistent--either use it throughout or remove it completely. Of course this is just my opinion!

Overall I think this is a good poem. It stirred my emotions. Thank you very much for sharing it.

~Jess.

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Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Ben Langhinrichs Author Icon,

I love this! I've only attempted the Ballade form once in my life and found it a real challenge. You have made it seem effortless! I cheated a lot on my rhyme scheme so I am very impressed with how creative you have been with the rhyme scheme in this piece. I particularly like your use of the word 'schmoozing'! I think this poem has a wonderful flow, making it fun to read out loud. The story is witty and the refrain is very strong. I really enjoyed the whole thing! Thank you very much for a great read.

~Jess.

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Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hello J. A. Buxton Author Icon,

I am such a cat lover so I really enjoyed reading this! It brought back fond memories of all the cats my family have ever owned. Unfortunately we do not have any anymore and I miss them so much! The entry for October 18th made me laugh as my cat Jasmine did something similar--I found her happily tucking into my chocolate cake, which I had left on the side! I love the humour in the last entry too. Cats are such characters aren't they? And they really become part of the family. I think you did a great job of getting Fred's personality across. He sounds lovely! Thank you very much for sharing this.

~Jess.

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And proud Paper Doll Gang member *Bigsmile*
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Review of The Rock  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello Theophilus Lightwalker Author Icon,

I really enjoyed this. I am not a religious person, or even a particularly spiritual one, so I could not connect emotionally with that aspect of the poem, but I enjoyed the originality of this and its structure. The form you have used is unique and I think the repeated part is very effective. The poem mostly has a very strong rhythm which makes it fun to read out loud. I agree with your description that this could make a good rap--it has that kind of rolling beat to it! Your rhyme scheme is mostly pretty good, I think. There are some half/near rhymes but they are not really noticeable where the rhythm is strong.

I have a few suggestions that you can use or ignore as you wish!

In the first line, I think you can remove the full stop (period) as the sentence continues on to the next line.

The second line of stanza two seems to have one or two beats too many. It doesn't read smoothly. I can't think what to suggest though. Maybe removing the word 'of' helps a little? I'm not sure!

In the first line of stanza three, I think you need some form of punctuation in the middle of the line as it doesn't really read as a proper sentence. Maybe a comma or dash after 'returned' could work? Or you could just place the word 'and' between returned/fell. I think that solves the problem.

In the seventh stanza, should the word 'are' follow the word 'arms'? I think this would make more sense.

In the eighth stanza, I personally would have placed a dash at the end of the first line as the thought continues on to the next line.

One last thing, as I said before, I think the rhythm is mostly very strong but it does slip in a couple of places. Have you tried reading this aloud? I sometimes find that helps me to identify where the uneven parts are in a poem.

Overall I think this is a strong piece, with a clear message that you have conveyed in a creative way. I really like the ending! Thank you very much for a great read. I hope you have found my review helpful.

~Jess.

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And proud Paper Doll Gang member *Bigsmile*
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Review of into the unknown  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello amberX Author Icon,

I really enjoyed this unusual piece. The first part, in particular, really struck a chord with me. I'm sure a lot of people on this website can relate to it too. You have an easy writing style that drew me in and a great theme which kept my interest. I like how the tone of the story shifts in the second part. This bit is much darker and quite disturbing. I think you have perfectly captured the madness of when the line between fantasy and reality becomes blurred.

I just noticed a couple of things in this piece that may need some attention. Firstly, in the first paragraph, you use a hyphen ( - ) when it should be a dash. I think a dash is supposed to be longer, like this ( — ) or it can be made up of two hyphens like this ( -- ).

Secondly I found this part a little awkward:


'...before I struggle twice as hard as I was before'

I think you can lose the word 'was' as I don't think it makes sense.

These are just minor issues though and overall I think this is a great piece. It is full of striking descriptions and intense emotion, which is effectively conveyed to the reader. Thank you very much for sharing your work.

~Jess.

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Review by Ghostranch Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello pynkidynki Author Icon,

I think you have a good story idea here but the implementation doesn't quite live up to it at the moment. Are you planning on expanding this piece at all? I think that is the main problem--the lack of detail. I found some parts hard to follow, for instance I could not work out what had happened to Josie. Then I could not work out why Josie does what she does to Karen at the end of the piece. I think you need to flesh out the characters a bit more so that the reader can understand their motivations and actions more easily.

There are many grammatical errors in this story so I think it could be greatly enhanced by a careful edit. Also, there are several sentences which do not make sense. As an example, the part beginning: 'the smell we studied this...' is very confusing. Is this bit supposed to be Karen's thought processes? If so I think you need to make this clearer, maybe by putting it in italics or something like that.

Overall, I think this is an intriguing idea that just needs some more work to make it comprehensible. I hope you have found my review helpful. Thank you for sharing your story.

~jess

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