Greetings, Amok ~
This was quite imaginative and entertaining as to content. It does leave the reader hanging as to what went on and why, however. In addition, there are numerous errors technically in the writing. My suggestions for you to consider are: [ ] = delete // ( ) = insert
Why did [i](I) survive? [a](A)nd more so, what happened?
I don't know what to think[,](.) I think the
I'm lost in thought(.)[ and] I'm thinking why I am, and all [its](it's) causing me to do is spin around on an ever decreasing circle(.)[ and] I'm afraid of what will happen when I get back to the point of creation, the point where I started all this pondering. >>>> This is all one run-on sentence. Break it up!
If I [was](were) to warn him(,)[...] what would I say? Don't think about your friends[,](;) don't think about your responsibilities[,](;) don't think about your family[,](;) don't think about your job, your life[,](;) don't think about the people you have to save[,]or the work you have to do.
come back to your point of origin[. T](, t)he point where all this pointless thinking started. Because when you get there(,) you'll realise that you won't know what to do, think(,) or say.
sea of nothingness(,) and I'm sitting
[Its](It's) like someone asking you
It's like (someone) saying to you, '[y](Y)ou have one
wouldn't I have done something, something for the greater good[. H](, h)elping humanity along the way?
If I had a definite place,(something like a super hero,) then life would be much simpler[,](.) [something like a super hero,]
worry about these problems[,] or tomorrow[, t](. T)hey would worry about it for me(.)[...]
Pain(.)
Pain and blackness.
**TIMEOUT(.)[,] ERROR REPORT SAVED**
to give him any more information(.)[...]
The thought froze in his head(.)[...]
heavy on him though[,](;) it was making his breathing
what it felt like(.)[...]
drifted around his visual limits[, t](. T)he shifting objects jolted
glowing in his focal area[, h](. H)e concentrated on it until he was able to define it better[, i](. I)t was his HUD, sitting over his right eye.
image resolved in front of his eyes[, h](. H)e was able to make out (a) lowset ceiling
for a few moments[, h](. H)e struggled to make
Get up(,) Jeremy
Get up(,) [S](s)oldier
onslaught of his senses[, t](. T)he pain was
Get up(,) [P](p)rivate
waited a few more minutes(,) then tried to move the object[, h](. H)is chest burned with the effort, but he was prepared for it this time[,] and was able to
slumped off to one side[, i](. I)t hit the ground
was instantaneous[, a](. A) sense of alertness spread
side of his helmet[,](;) a small data crystal
Whatever it was(,) he didn't get a good look at it[, a](. A) mission specialist had placed
His squad leader, Sergeant Chavez(,) had wanted to leave it there[, h](. H)e said he had a feeling that it was a trap. The mission specialist, a cocky, [green horned](greenhorn) corporal operating under Fleet High Command[,] with a security clearance to rival (that of) most generals(,) overrode Chavez
as the video went black[, a](. A) few seconds later the night vision software kicked in(,) and all he could
Whatever had happened(,) it had been
There were minimal Covenant casualties[,](--) one Elite body that had been on him[,] and a few grunts scattered around the place, but that was all.
[i](I)t was obvious[, h](. H)e felt stupid
The numbers didn't [quiet](quite) add up, but that was to be expected[, m](. M)aybe some
Corporal Vesper, their mission specialist[...W](w)as gone[...](.)
Cheers!
Harry |
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