*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/harryg/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7
Review Requests: OFF
1,432 Public Reviews Given
1,595 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 3 4 5 6 -7- 8 9 10 11 12 ... Next
151
151
Review of Through the Storm  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, intheventofire ~

This tells a good enough tale. However, the grammar needs a bit of improvement.

[ ] = delete /// ( ) = insert

"A what?" I (asked)[said], but Uncle[s] M's answer

I was making for the stable[,](;) we all were, but I'd made my last minute dash[,] a minute too late.

hard on the lime green(,) wooden gates(.)[and t] (T)hey sagged

straw cot(,) and I was relieved to see that[,] he(,) at least(,) was unconcerned

I ran through my options(.)[, i](I)t only took me a couple of seconds(.)[, m](M)y list was worryingly short.

Trees and bushes[,] that a minute earlier had looked so at home in the ground[,] flew past me

I reversed my usual escape route[. S](, s)tealing into my cell rather than from it.

basket with little(,) white knuckles.

You'll think I'm crazy(.)[,] I think I'm crazy, but I swear

sitting in an red(,) rusty(,) iron tub

She'd been plaguing Otto and [I](me) for weeks.

little cat(,) and I'll get

she was gone(.)[, i](I)t was all gone, even the colour.(space)It took

so perfectly powdery pink(,) were now

look out of the window[, t](. T)he whole world looked

washed it with Uncle[s] M's great(,) black(,) woolen cloak

I knew it was (she)[her] when I saw her legs(.)[, s](S)he was still wearing those slippers(,) only they weren't

We'd killed her, Otto and I(.)[,] I know it wasn't his fault really(;) he's just a cat, but somehow I

"Otto,[]" I said[.](,) "[]I don't >>>>> "Otto," I said, "I don't

Also, why the huge space between lines?

If cleaned up, this would be an amusing read.

Cheers!

Harry
152
152
Review of I Miss Buttons  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Kat ~

This is a sweet story that makes its point well. Overall, it is nicely written.

A few items for your consideration:

knew what was on Cindy’s mind[,] but hadn’t been able (to) give >>>> delete comma // insert to

to be Sam, the long(,) slinky(,) gray tom-cat,

the tiny(,) black one

I remember(,) Papa, you called him

“Slow down(,) little one!

I was left wondering how old Cindy was. Did you not want to give her age?

Cheers!

Harry
153
153
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, janice48 ~

I like the content in this poem. However, it is a bit confusing since it seems to be written for one son only until the last line you now say two sons. (Example = great qualities for a son, to send me a son, not have chosen a better one. & then With sons like you) This needs to be corrected.

My suggestions for you to consider: Use periods, not commas, at the ends of complete sentences.

is special to me(.)[,]

... smiled at me that day(.)[,]
It's locked in my memory[,] and will never fade away.

The bond we share (is) like none I've known(.)[,]
We are best friends(,) and I'm never alone.

... qualities for a son(.)[,]

... qualities from the start(.)[,]

... wipe away my tears(.)[,]

... what I would do(.)[,]
I surely would be lost,()sad and blue ...

... honored to be your mother(.)[,]

(I) Love you(,) T.J and Tim

Cheers!

Harry
154
154
Review of Disease Spreads.  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, StaiNed ~

This certainly is chilling in its description of a disease killing a body. Overall, it is well written. (Thank goodness, I know of no disease that actually spreads and acts like this.)

I have a few suggestions for your consideration:

The disease travels near the body's frantic heart.
Smitten with the woeful thump-thump. >> This is not a sentence.
Maybe:
The disease travels near the body's frantic heart(,)[.]
[S](s)mitten with the woeful thump-thump.

It moaned[,] and shivered in its rewarding gift. >>> delete comma

It believes[,] [your](you're) a present as it feeds on your body, >>> you are = you're

Watch your verb tense! You keep switching back and forth between present tense and past tense. Pick one and then be consistent.

Cheers!

Harry
155
155
Review of Roses in Heaven  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Winnie ~

I like the fix you made! It rhymes well (Thee & me) and has correct word usage. Now it deserves a 5-star rating!

I'm sure your poem resonates with everyone who recently lost their mother. A nicely written piece!

Cheers!

Harry
156
156
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, YellowRose ~

Overall, this is nicely done with good content. It is a pleasant read.

The repetition of ending all the third lines with "today and evermore" worked okay for me.

Not so much so with ending all first lines with "and walk with me". This seemed a bit too much repetition (two half-lines out of 3 lines in every stanza). Perhaps it would read better if you varied the first two lines of each stanza. Plus "Kiss my lips and walk with me" & "Hold me tight and walk with me" both seemed a bit awkward to me.

Cheers!

Harry
157
157
Review of Roses in Heaven  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Winnie ~

This is a touching poem that captures your love and feel of loss over your mother's death. Overall, it is quite nicely written.

The one problem I encountered with your poem is this line:

Please pick a bunch, I plea. >>>> 'Plea' is a noun. You need the verb "plead" here to make sense. "Plead" means to ask or appeal for something. I realize you used 'plea' for the ability to rhyme it with 'me', but it is simply incorrect usage here.

Cheers!

Harry
158
158
Review of Room at the End  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, tHiNg ~

I looked up the form for a sestina:

SESTINA
A fixed form consisting of six 6-line (usually unrhymed) stanzas in which the end words of the first stanza recur as end words of the following five stanzas in a successively rotating order and as the middle and end words of each of the lines of a concluding envoi in the form of a tercet. The usual ending word order for a sestina is as follows:

First stanza, 1- 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6
Second stanza, 6 - 1 - 5 - 2 - 4 - 3
Third stanza, 3 - 6 - 4 - 1 - 2 - 5
Fourth stanza, 5 - 3 - 2 - 6 - 1 - 4
Fifth stanza, 4 - 5 - 1 - 3 - 6 - 2
Sixth stanza, 2 - 4 - 6 - 5 - 3 - 1
Concluding tercet:
middle of first line - 2, end of first line - 5
middle of second line - 4, end of second line - 3
middle if third line - 6, end of third line - 1

You faithfully followed the form for the six stanzas; however, your tercet must have been written according to some other directions for the envoi.

Nevertheless, I liked the content here, and I think this is a well-done sestina overall.

at last to bed..... >> I'd use a period here. There is no punctuation consisting of 5 dots.

Cheers!

Harry
159
159
Review of Gazing  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Jace O'Lantern ~

This reads well and matches the requirements for the RemyLa Rhyme Form in all case except the syllable count of required eight in these two lines:

our tired breath hanging like clouds.
- 1 ---2 -----3 -----4- 5 ----6 -----7

Hope blossoms like fires blazing,
- 1 ------2-- 3-----4----5---- 6-7

I double-checked my dictionary that 'tired' and 'fires' are one-syllable words.

Overall, this is well written, with the poem complementing the picture quite well.

Cheers!

Harry
160
160
Review of A Day on the Farm  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)

A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Wally Setter ~

This was an amusing and entertaining look at the barnyard's chicken coop.

I found a few items for you to consider:

“Here(,) chick, chick, chick. Here(,) chick,

The farmer gives us everything[. A](, a)ll the food we want, shelter[,](;) he provides for our every need.

Charley let out a loud baw-uck[,](.) “Don’t start

“Good riddance(,) I’d say.

Never did like Bob; (he was) always strutting around, acting like

“Well(,) I’ll be.

our community[,](;) good riddance.

Cheers!

Harry
161
161
Review of Lost  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Haunted Moon ~

You have written an excellent villanelle that met the form and prompt quite well. Nicely done!

I also appreciated that you explained the form, with its repeated lines and the two-rhyme scheme. This undoubtedly educated some readers as to this poetic form.

Cheers!

Harry
162
162
Review of Tradition!  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Animated SP black cat and jack-o-lantern signature.

Greetings, Kenzie ~

This story is well told and interesting. I found only one item to bring to your attention:

may or not [m](b)e true. >>>> be


Nice job! *Smile*

Cheers!

Harry
163
163
Review of The Triangle  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, ScaryScribe ~

This was an entertaining story. It was well-told, with a nice twist at the end.

I think these commas were unnecessary:

had a hideout planned in advance[,] and always used

more selective about their inside man[,] now.

more than ten years[,] and knew all of the branch's ins

would be marked[,]and where all the dye-packs

Cheers!

Harry
164
164
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Bill ~

Nice poem to start, followed by a fun and entertaining story. I enjoyed this very much.

I have the following suggestions for your consideration:

Jack-O-Lantern[,](;) I guess you can say I’m

And then there'[s](re) my kids, >>>> there are my kids, not there is my kids

for the kids[-- i](. I)t’s kind of a Gatorade drink

in good fun(,) and the spells wear[-]off

then dashed [off] inside.

arm(,) and together we

reassuringly(,) and we continued

little girl [comes](came) up to me

doesn’t he(,) Mommy?

fell open(,) and one of my rotting teeth

a sharp hiss, (she) bared her fangs

music stopped(,) and every head turned

over(,) and a full moon shone

Cheers!

Harry
165
165
Review of The Climb  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Kings ~

This is a touching tribute to your relationship with your brother. I liked the content.

There were several technical aspects of the poem that could be improved:

Your use of punctuation was erratic. Some sentences ended with a period, whereas others did not.
I know you fear this dreaded disease
I'll stand by you until the pain ceases.

Gave it our best(,) seldom winning one.

If you get to(o) weak and want to stop(,)

Some of the rhymes were off: hills / heels ; same time / served stateside; disease / ceases.

Tightening up these technical aspects would improve the poem.

Cheers!

Harry
166
166
Review of Mermaids  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Feywriter ~

This poem describes mermaids briefly. I was left wanting more.

Why did you capitalize each word in the first line but not in all other lines?

The reading of the last two lines was confusing to me. Do they represent one sentence and are to be read together as such, i.e. the constant pull of the tide inhabits our dreams? Or are they separate thoughts, i.e. mermaids are what inhabits our dreams? Without punctuation as a guide, I was unsure of the read and meaning here.

This poem is a good start, but it could be improved.

Cheers!

Harry
167
167
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Joy ~

This poem has wonderful content with a marvelous flow and feel to it. I enjoyed reading it.

I only have two suggestions/comments for possible improvement:

Why not break this one long block of lines into stanzas? You could start a new stanza with each "She leaps from". I think it would enhance the read.

thorny barnacles. >>>> Thorns? On barnacles? This make me stop short when I read this.

Cheers!

Harry
168
168
Review of Just a Fairytale  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Ren ~

You captured a lover's hurt and disappointment well. The format used seems erratic to me. Some stanzas rhymed, whereas others had no rhyme. Some stanzas had three lines; other stanzas had four lines; another had six lines. The punctuation did not seem to follow any rules. Nor did the use of capitalization at the start of lines follow any pattern. You might want to recheck these technical aspects of these lyrics.

You left me branded - so [J](j)aded(,)

..and feel like a man?
To hurt the one who loves you.. >>>> Ellipses have three dots. There is no correct punctuation having two dots.

Cheers!

Harry
169
169
Review of Divergence  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, SoCalScribe ~

This was an interesting brief tale. It held my interest.

I did find these items for you to consider:

implements lined the walls(,) and the teenagers marveled

as he looked to Diane. >>> at Diane ?

guillotine [just] moments before the tremors loosened the blade and dropped it [down] to where Luke’s neck was just resting. >>>> Two 'just' in same sentence. Omit 'down'.

Cheers!

Harry
170
170
Review of Dark Seasons  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Eyz~Den ~

This reads well, but, if punctuation is allowed in this form of poem (You used a period after last line.), I think the read would be improved using proper punctuation:

like the blossoming flowers(')(,) >>> possessive since you mean their scents and a comma
his scent is anew.

as she awaits her lover(;)
at nightfall he comes.

As leaves start to drop(,)

She leans into him(.)
[h](H)is teeth nip(,) then sink deeply(.)
[h](H)er blood paints the snow.

Overall, a nicely penned piece.

Cheers!

Harry
171
171
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Davy ~

This is extremely well done. I think you succeeded in capturing the feel of Walt Whitman.

Why the use of the five different colors? I found that to be distracting.


Cheers!

Harry
172
172
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Legerdemain ~

This is very well written. I understand what you mean here, but I think you may be a bit too harsh in saying, ".....a ridiculous public display of material crap. ..." To many, lighting a candle to honor someone has religious meaning and is hardly a display of material crap. Additionally, the intent of those leaving flowers, candles, etc is to provide comfort to the dead's parents and family. To me, the tone of this piece is overly critical of others' good intentions.


( ) = insert // [ ] = delete

sister got back(,) but[,] he darted out

Cheers!

Harry
173
173
Review of On Angel's Wings  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Jammermomma ~

The content here is quite moving and poignant. The 2-4 rhymes work well. Overall, this is nicely written.

A few suggestions for you to consider:

Finished (was) the battle

The life she had le[a]d >>> had led

Had turned another corner[,]

Cheers!

Harry
174
174
Review of Fluffy  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Kittiara ~

You told this story quite well using only dialogue. My only real suggestion is:

I told Cassie not to go and look(,) but she did(,) and I told her not to. Then she opened the door(,) and Fluffy ate her.”

An additional comment: Fluffy seems a strange name for a monster that eats sisters. (I am big and Harry, and no one ever called me Fluffy! LOL)

Cheers!

Harry
175
175
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, hiryuu ~

The story seems a bit too long for the amount of action that occurred. Maybe it was just me.

I do have a number of items to bring to your attention: [ ] = delete // ( ) =insert

over the jagged peeks of the Katarik Mountains, >>> peaks, not peeks

capital city[,] show little contrast

shipping crates litter the floor, well into the arduous task of packing that started the prior evening. >>> ?? Is something omitted, like 'they are' well into. At present, it is confusing.

day before[,] and was appalled by the

did well[,] and infiltrated the blackmarket

their dust(-)covered(,) tear(-)streaked faces,

secure with herself[;](, which is) evident in her every move.

obviously uncomfortable[, ]and grappling with her concerns,

bare walls[,] and reverberate

approaching the subject(,)

“I’m serious(,) Chris[,](;) don’t start this

shoulders drop(,) and she shakes her

her caution[,] and starts back

“Well(,) all I really

Summer, although sometimes abrasive(,) is noted for her ability

with me(,) you little

than you have[,] and trust Kalvin

case for mercy[,] and remains silent.

Well(,) here’s a clue(,) dipsh--. That is the product of an over(-)inflated view of self(-)appointed importance.”

from side to side[,] and motions quotation marks

you are here[,] and not pushing up daisies

garbage[,] and get the meat

wrong hands[,] and bring a

A war now[, ]would wipe the slate clean

if that occurs[;](,) not just Hakari Prime.”

advice[,] and for the first time starts to see

“Now get back to packing[, w](. W)e have wasted enough

completed by the time Kalvin gets here[,] and ready to get off this rock.”

window[,] and share the remaining contents

“Excellent job(,) ladies,”

worries about Hakari[,] but remembers

about this stuff(.)[,] I brought

"Hey(,) you two, be careful

You are (a) team; take

Cheers!

Harry
488 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 20 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/harryg/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7