Greetings, Kazsam ~
As an opening scene, this has good content in that it holds the reader's interest and makes him want more details of the story.
However, the technical aspects of the writing are dreadful and need major reworking.
Here are my suggestions for you to consider: [ ] = delete /// ( ) = insert
Sheep in Wolves(') [c](C)lothing (--) Opening scene >>>> Wolves' Clothing
If there is interest(,) I will post more.
“Zah zah(,) baby.
puppy to get to?” [H](h)e asked.
would say something(,) but she just stared
When a clay pot broke with a loud crash(,) Mrs. Nox finally
“Yes(,) baby, go there now and do not come out until you see the moon(,)[.]” [S](s)he said and
“What about mid meal?” [He wined](he whined). >>> whined, not wined
turned cold(,) and her hands balled up
Even though Zahilla stood before her in his human form(,) he could still smell the terror [that] she reeked of.
"Now!” [S](s)he barked,
pulled away from his eyes(,) the smell of panic overwhelmed him.
Since he had shrunk in size(,) his clothes no longer fit [him].
Let me go(,) or I will bite you!
The wet season had almost ended[,](;)that night the rain fell
Oh(,) I don't feel very good. Suddenly, the smell of fear and dirt made him nauseated(,) and he had to stop
You know something bad is going to happen too(,) don't you?
"They won't find him(,) Kriana."
out the [K](k)ing's men'll leave[.](,)" Mr. Nox assured her(,) but Zahilla could smell uncertainty on him[;](,) the kind when animals
I'm sure the [K](k)ing has
"Have you seen a dragon(,) Max?
"No(,) Kriana(,) of course I have never seen a dragon(,)[.]" Mr. Nox interupted,
"Well(,) I am not willing to stand here and wait to find out. We need to run(,) Max."
"If we run(,) we will be running for the rest of our lives. The king is a reasonable man. >>> Here you have king not capitalized, which is correct. Be consistent thorough with this usage.
Please(,) Max, let's go."
"He's a dragon(,) Max! Of course he will find him! Oh(,) grandmother
"Stop those prayers(,) Kriana.
As if it could hear his thoughts(,) the booming and
stopped crying(,) and no one even
have gone silent(,) but the smells still
as he ran deep into the woods(,) his tail tucked between his legs.
to the [K](k)ing!"
Sir Drake(,) have mercy[, h](. H)e doesn't even know
“Please(,) Sir Drake, look through the house(. H)[h]e isn't here(,)[.]” Kriana pleaded.
"You would betray your [K](k)ing?"
betrayed your King by letting >>> king
saw a large(,) green claw cut
away from the blood(,) but his little body couldn't move
warm up(,) and an orange light glowed
The air itself hurt him now(,) and he could feel
dieing >>> dying
tilt and sway(,) and the orange light began
must be dieing. >>> dying
Cheers!
Harry |
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