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126
126
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, BaileyHolliday ~

You have quite a flair with words. Overall, you express yourself well. Correctly written, your words will have the power to move people. However, you need to improve your sentence construction to write in actual sentences and not fragments. Plus you need to pay more attention to grammar and punctuation.

I have these items for you to consider: [ ] = delete // ( ) = insert

Forever[::] What does this double colon signify?

The affection that radiated from your smile, the love that swam within your eyes. The way the contours of my face seemed to fit so perfectly in your hands, and the way that each time our lips brushed together, (everything) became so much more surreal and alive. How you made me feel so safe and calm, while at the same time sending electric jolts to every nerve in my body, surging throughout every millimetre that was me. >>>>> These are just phrases and not a sentence. You need to construct a complete sentence out of these. Something like this perhaps, " My mind keeps replaying these: ", as the lead-in.

My eyes(,) open and blood-shot, were no longer concerned with seeing

to keep smiling(.)[,] I knew I’d miss you

I took in my surroundings(.)[,] I was not in the same world we had been in(.)[,] I couldn’t be[, I](; i)t was too different…

placed the bouquet down[. P] ( -- p)ink carnations

along the tulips[,](;) the velvety red petals cooed

bore into the pink carnation( --- o)[. O]ne single carnation, in the centre of the bouquet(. T)[, t]hough greatly out-numbered by the tulips, [it’s](its) message spoke

Choking back a sob(,) I laid my head down

The flowers’ message scream(ed)[ing] through my head

I see that you are only 17 years old. You have great potential to become a great writer someday if you work hard to improve your talent.

Cheers!

Harry
127
127
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Aaron ~

This does leave one wondering what happened to the speaker to make him ask such questions. That much it accomplishes. Otherwise, it seems a bit of a stretch to think all people strive to be famous or special. Also, presuming to know what Rutherford wanted seems overly presumptuous. Furthermore, I don't think you can hold him responsible for his discovery being used to kill thousands. I was also confused by being able to have anything your heart desires as long as "if it exists in the animal kingdom, it’s yours." Does this mean you can only get animals? What if I wanted gold or an expensive house or an exotic plant? A lot of what you have written seems poorly thought through to me and in the need of further refinement.

You also need to pay more attention to details:

The [h](H)uman [c](C)ondition >>> Capitalize words in title

Not happy with it, so reviews an(d) opinions would be great(.)

the lowliest janitor[,] or the most powerful

captain[,] and crush all

But in other(s')[’s] quests >>> others'

of my many brainstor[r]ms on how to start this. Brief I know, but (it) gets what (I)[i] wanted done.

You have the kernel of a good story idea here. Keep trying to get there.

Cheers!

Harry
128
128
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Red Writing Hood ~

This was amusing and entertaining. It was a lot of fun!

I have these suggestions for your consideration:

one of my own(,) and in my post I added >>> Insert comma.

I slowly reached for the "enter" key. [When] I suddenly see what must be causing this strange occurrence.
OR I slowly reached for the "enter" key[. W](w)hen I suddenly see what must be causing this strange occurrence.

was the word {bitme:}.[..]

Now for my next gripe()... [T](t)ypos. >>> space before & after ellipse


Cheers!

Harry
129
129
Review of More About Me  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Sherri ~

This piece gives much insight into your personal philosophy. It is quite well-written overall.

I did have these items for your consideration:

For those of you whom have already read >>>> Shouldn't this be 'who have already read' instead of 'whom'? Whom have already read?? "you' is the object of the "of' here.

an emotional individual[,] and one who gives her heart freely >>> Delete the comma.

charitable to those in need[,] or ones that attempt to promote

best of my ability[,] and welcome both

reviewer thinks[,] but what is felt

of my reviewers[,](;) therefore I respond >>>> semicolon here

Sherri, I am proud to count myself as one of your many WDC friends!

Cheers!

Harry
130
130
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Tim ~

Overall, the end-rhyming couplet lines work well, but then why these lines:

Now, hard-nosed, I make a push(.)
Making that deadline would save my bottom. >>>> Why break the pattern?

Take heart and be clever[,](;) it’s the work that you do;

This flows well, but it might benefit from a break midway through.

Cheers!

Harry
131
131
Review of The Brave  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Kings ~

The content here is great, a nice tribute to those who serve our country.

The poem could be cleaned up some: [ ] = delete /// ( ) = insert

Stand tall(,) friend(,) you are doing your best[.](,)

... keep our freedom free[.]

You've served your best(;) it's (another(')s) time. >>> another's time

bravery in distant lands[.](,)

... your country's needs[.](,)
... your patriotic deeds[.](,)

Our troops who serve(,) some lives are lost.

protect others(') rights and freedom(.)

Some of the rhymes could be improved: free / overseas & lands / sand are weak, while freedom / help is a complete no-go.

With a bit of reworking, this poem will be quite nice.

Cheers!

Harry
132
132
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, David ~

I enjoyed reading your story. It was well told and interesting. The ending was poignant.

I have a few suggestions for your consideration:

high pitched sirens drawing near and faded out of earshot. >>>> This sounds wrong. Perhaps 'sirens drew near' OR 'grew louder and then faded out ...'

It was him. >> he

illuminating a world [of a world] of rubble


Cheers!

Harry
133
133
Review of Forgiveness  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Jezri ~

This poem has wonderful content. I enjoyed reading it. I do have some suggestions for your consideration:

I've hid it away >>> Should be hidden.

wherever I go[,](.) >>> Period instead of comma here.

its['] burden >>>> its

still vividly felt[,]

felt/help is not a good rhyme

for surely He’ll care[,](.)

I pour out my grief, my anguish and pain[,](;)
Then through my tears, His answer came. >>>> Verb tense switches from present to past! pour/came

He whispered to me[,](.) >>> Past tense again.

But how do I forgive[,] when my heart won't let go[,]
Of the sadness and anger[,] so long ago sown?
>>>> go & sown don't rhyme

My soul is in shreds[,](;) my heart’s been ripped out[,](.)
Can’t anyone help, my spirit still shouts.
>>>>> out and shouts isn't a good rhyme. Maybe change to: my spirit does shout.

from outside and in[,](.)
Forgiveness my child, just let it all go[,](.)

to forgive[,](;) I cry out in pain(.)[,]

tearing me apart(,)[.]

you are weak(.)

sins/dims is not a good rhyme.


Cheers!

Harry
134
134
Review of Deep Well  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, WhoMe ~

I like this poem very much. It sounds so poetic when read. It is quite lovely.

I have only a few suggestions for your consideration:

The sun does shine
On the forest surrounding
(the) Well of life >>> Would this read better with 'the' inserted here?

To find the water
Stagnant and treading >>>> Can water itself be treading? One treads water.

I purely love the last stanza!

Cheers!

Harry
135
135
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, SoCalScribe ~

Overall, this story is well-written. It set the stage well and met the prompt well. I did have some suggestion for improvement for you to consider:

[ ] = delete // ( ) = insert

[I suppose i](I)t was nice[, in a way,] to know that so many people felt I was worth a few bucks and a sentiment on my birthday[;](,) especially after losing the house, my family, and all of my belongings in the hurricane. "I suppose", "in a way" >>> How ungrateful sounding!

nearly as colorful as the flowers, [or] as sleek and convenient as the gift cards, or as appetizing as the baskets

a mystery about it(,)[;] an intrigue that >>> comma, not semicolon

in no time[,] and opened the

left me the package[;] but I wasn't

I couldn't think of a more generous, valuable gift for my birthday. Sure, it may not be as delicious as those food baskets, as grand as the flowers, or as functional as the gift cards, >>>> Say what? The gift of a house far overwhelms such trivial gifts. To even compare them as here is foolishness.

Inconsistency in plot: "after losing ... my family," confusing with the later "All of my ... family were there, " Usually losing a family member means they are dead or at least in parts unknown.
Cheers!

Harry
136
136
Review of The Painting  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, 4provinces ~

This is a nicely written story that was an entertaining read. It met all the required prompts well enough.
Good job!

I have a few suggestions for you to consider: [ ] = delete /// ( ) = insert

emotions of days long past[,] flooded through me

back to the [S](s)outh of France in the late 1800's, back to a windy [S](s)pring day

hold my head up(,) and that's what I did.

All that remains for all time[,] is a shattered shell

That painting [that] calls to me even today,

Cheers!

Harry
137
137
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Webwitch ~

Hmmm, the meaning of the title eludes me. Hunt Ed ? The major impression I am left with after reading this poem is too many exclamation marks were used. In fact, I had major issues with the punctuation in general:

I fear it can't(,)[--]shall not[!](.)
... hours;
Yet I barely escape the hairy tease[!](.)

I hide[,](;) it seeks. I glide(;)[--]it streaks(.)[!]

... thing you want to see nude(.)[!]

... flesh;
My bone--YES! and thinning hair! >>>> This is not a sentence. Two more exclamation marks .

I cringe and shake at the very thought(.) This stanza also has an additional line compared with all other stanzas.

At last I feel that I am safe(.)
The woods seem such a maize(,) >>>> Extra space between seem & such. "maize" is another name for corn. You probably mean "maze" here.
But I hear the footsteps in the distance(.)
I regret ever meeting its gaze[!](.) >>>> 'its' here would seem to refer to the woods.

Closer, the beast is on my trail(.)
There is no place to hide(.)
Oh(,) why did they ever convince me
To make this beast my bride?[!! *Shock*]

Was there some prompt in this round of the contest this was written for? Maybe to overuse exclamation marks, not use periods, etc? At face value this poem needs its punctuation overhauled!

I did see the humor in the content. Maybe I simply missed what you were going for in this piece?

Cheers!

Harry
138
138
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Season's greetings, Bonnie ~

Bonnie, you have a good story here. It would be an enjoyable read were it not so full of errors. It truly needs major reworking to come into its own.

My suggestions for your consideration: [ ] = delete // ( ) = insert

Why is dialogue enclosed in single quotation marks instead of double quotation marks per the normal usage?

in five years(,)[;] long-difficult years >>>> comma instead of semicolon here

Chicago this time(,) and they finally had

Although [he](Brad) was dubious, he felt [a] proud she was

the cloak and mask[,] and grabbed the candy

Marnie smiled as she heard the children scream then giggle she went over and stood behind Brad at the door, she was glad her new therapist had suggested she celebrate Halloween, she was enjoying seeing all the little ghouls, ghosts and witches. >>>> This is a run-on mess!
Marnie smiled as she heard the children scream, then giggle. She went over and stood behind Brad at the door. She was glad her new therapist had suggested she celebrate Halloween. She was enjoying seeing all the little ghouls, ghosts, and witches.

Brad closed the door(.) [h](H)e turned to his wife(.)[, h](H)e saw her face and stopped.

neck stand up[,](;) he moved forward, instinctiv(e)ly to

`Call Detective Shapiro(.)’ [s](S)he screamed the words

read, “Mom Finds Abducted Son After Five Years!(")


Holiday Cheer!

Harry
139
139
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Season's greetings, J. A. Buxton ~

I found this to be extremely well-written. It held my interest throughout and left me wanting more. The descriptions were excellent. This is a nice excerpt from your book.

I had a few suggestions, most minor, for your consideration:

joined in [on] the fun. >>>> joined in the fun.

the mansion[,] but stopped

a few hours[’](of) sleep

underneath a highway[’s] overpass,

She notified Robyn De Sousa, the mansion’s recruiter she knew was in the vicinity. >>>> Confusing sentence. Consider rewording for improved clarity.

coming their way, and looked up at Walker >>>> Either delete the comma here or add 'they' looked

brought up the rear(,) while Eric drove [off in] the limousine to park it

hand to touch the item[,] and paused only inches

This is good writing!

Holiday Cheer!

Harry
140
140
Review of Winter Solstice  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Season's greetings, arakun ~

Your poem is short and sweet. Concise and clear. Neatly rhymed. Nicely done.

After the longest, darkest night(,) >>> insert comma


Holiday Cheer!

Harry
141
141
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Season's greetings, Webwitch ~

I enjoyed the read and liked the content of your poem. My main issue with this piece was its punctuation.

My suggestions for your consideration:

... a path to follow(,)

this fate(,)[;] perhaps destiny.

...that road(,)[;] promising at first glance(.)[;] >>> You overuse semicolons.

Soon after, (I) discovered it was bleak

enraptured their heart[,]

protective cloud[]? >>> Delete unneeded space

Those disquieting thoughts plagued my mind.
I saw the years of my youth slip away, without concern(.)[;]
>>>>> Perhaps put a break between these two lines to give the reader a pause in the read. There is a natural break here.

surrounded my heart[,] corroded.

paralyzed in thought(,)[;]


Holiday Cheer!

Harry
142
142
Review of Still Loving You  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Season's Greetings, jaya ~

This is a heartfelt tribute to your motherland. Your genuine love for your country shines through. This works for me the way it is written. My only comment is that the reader is never told what your homeland that you love so dearly is. You might want to add the country as the last line.

Holiday Cheer!

Harry
143
143
Review of Imperfection  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Season's Greetings, soledad_moon ~

The letter writer shows a lot of maturity in what she expects from her boyfriend. It is sage advice. This is a nicely written piece.

Several places the writer says "Well, I guess at my age, it is." and "Perhaps at my age." It would help if the reader knew what is her age ... 13 or 19?

Truthfully ,I've realized that >>> delete space after Truthfully,

that.Hmmm >>> Insert space that. Hmmm

Holiday Cheer!

Harry
144
144
Review of Tennis  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Season's Greetings, Robin ~

It is a shame you no longer can play tennis, a sport that you love. However, you seem to have made peace with that fact.

Your acrostic poem is nicely done. I do have a couple of suggestions for you to consider:

Never again can I play
Never again will I serve >>> If you can't play (line above), then obviously you will not serve (or volley or hit ground strokes or lobs, etc). Maybe change this to 'Never again will I compete' OR change it to something totally different.

Instead, I am a spectator >>>> Maybe 'remain' instead of 'am'? Seems stronger to me.

Holiday Cheer!

Harry
145
145
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, monsterman ~

I like the concept of "Love is the passage leading out of Hell.", and your poem conveys this well.

I have a few comments for you to consider:

I found
I fall,
I then try
I knew
There was >>>>> Be consistent in verb tense! You jump from past to present & back.

I found only pain(,)

As my soul and spirit[s] drain,

"Follow me(,) my love(.)[,]

My love(,) please take my hand.

There are no angels in Hell[,](.)

"No(,) my love,

Now don't fear and flinch(.)

It was hard to figure out your rhyming scheme.

Cheers!

Harry
146
146
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, copenator ~

Your heart lies in the right place with this effort, but it is really a bit of a mess. The majority of what is presented has nothing to do with being an acrostic for Rhonda. I kept wondering why this was labeled as an acrostic until nearly to the end, where I found the Rhonda acrostic. The punctuation needs work throughout. The rhyming follows no discernible pattern, with some stanzas having no rhymes at all. Many of the rhymes seem forced. Some stanzas have four lines, some only three, some five, and one eight. This piece is in need of quite a bit of polishing.

My suggestions for you to consider:

When I awoke(,) in the sky I did see a bright shining star.
Merry Christmas to one and all(.)

This stanza is confusing:
Aware of the true meaning of Christmas(,) you must be
Rolling in snow heaven(,) and having a ball
Is fun but (is) not the reason we say Merry Christmas.
Building an igloo with icy walls >>> This is not a complete sentence, even when continued in the first line of the next stanza. Is this why we say Merry Christmas?

.... for the future to recall(.)
Instead(,) more often than not(,) we miss the greatest gift of all[.]

Playfully laughing through the snowdrifts of fall(,)
(With) [R](r)ed rosy cheeks from winter's stinging kiss(,)
We can see, hear, and feel life coursing through our veins(.)[,] I wish to >>> Move 'I wish to' to next line.
Give loved ones far away much love and a call(.)
(Insert space between stanzas here)
Twenty-(o)[0]ne years ago

['](")THIS IS YOUR WIFE."

Peace On Earth and good will toward men[;]
Is more than wishful thinking.

A Christmas Eve wedding will make you mine(;)
oh(,) yes(,) it did(.)[,] Christmas day actually!

with joy and excitement my heart could burst(.)
"Rhonda, will you marry me(?)"[.]
I did ask on September 5 (p.s. [s](S)he said yes!). >>> Moving this line down would give this stanza four lines like the rest.

[R](r)hyme,
my [P](p)rose at Christmas [T](t)ime
to lighten the chill of winter(')s curse

that it's oh(,) so right(.)

you do things [a]right.

not so gleeful(,) and yet we knew

recited this rhyme(:)

Everything Nice(,)
Peppermint candy and cheese for the mice(,)
warm as a flickering flame, cold as ice(.)

To a close soon(,) and very soon

Surviving stormy weather and(,) it would seem(,) a flurry of feather. >>> What does this mean? Closing these lines into one will give the stanza four lines.

To this day we stand(,) and stand we

... lights shining bright(.)
... you on this night(.)

... the color purple[.](,)

...is for you(,)
Rhonda(,) my purple ...

This deserves to be reworked into a much more polished piece.

Cheers!

Harry
147
147
Review of Follicular Folly  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, shannonchapel ~

This is quite humorous and entertaining. You maintain a good pace throughout. Overall, this is well-written, with the few exceptions noted below.

Here are my suggestions for your consideration:

Verb tense! "I needed to go to the store because I'm out of", "I see the bathroom cleaner guy has placed a CAUTION:Wet Floor sign outside one bathroom and is inside cleaning the other. I stepped " You need to pick either past or present tense and then remain consistent in verb tense.

grab two gallons of 2%[,] and quickly look >>>> delete unneeded comma

If his mom's doing hard time(,) who's gonna >>> Insert needed comma

Cheers!

Harry
148
148
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Matt ~

I'll take you at your word that you want frank advice about how to become a better poet. I see you are only 16 and still in school. Learn grammar well. Read past poets extensively. Study the format of different forms of poetry as to meter, syllable count, rhyming, free verse, etc until you develop a style of your own.

With this poem of yours:

Try not capitalizing the start of every line, even in mid-sentence. Try capitalizing according to correct grammar rules instead.

Try to achieve more consistency in line lengths (syllable counts) and in the standard number of lines per stanza.

Nawing away, >>>> Gnawing away, >> Use spellchecker &/or a dictionary to check all spellings.

I don’t know why, it just is so, you cloud the brain with doubt. >>>> This line consists of three complete sentences improperly punctuated. Wording: 'the brain' or 'my brain'?

I don’t know why, it just is so, you cloud the brain with doubt.
Love, lust, I do not know you, why do you persist
In this game of yours?
What did I do to deserve this, why must you be so
Cruel that you do not love me yourself.
You took my love but nothing in return, just the void…

Corrected to:

I don’t know why. It just is so. You cloud my brain with doubt.
Love, lust, I do not know you. Why do you persist
in this game of yours?
What did I do to deserve this? Why must you be so
cruel that you do not love me? [yourself].
You took my love but (gave) nothing in return, just the void…
>>>>> Still the lines are too long and inconsistent in length. Learn to write shorter lines. Express yourself more tersely, more concisely. Don't ramble but be precise in your use of words.

A black hole sucks you away from me, fate >>>> Confusing? Are you asking fate why it is so?
WHY BE SO???? No need to shout. Use only one question mark.
Then:
A black hole sucks you away from me.
Fate, why must you be so?

The complexities of the human brain, unravelled by
Your long(,) blonde mane. >>>> This is NOT a complete sentence. "are unraveled" or "become unraveled"

Oh one kiss one kiss one kiss I cry…. This line is a mess grammatically.

You have good enough content. You need to learn to express your content more concisely so each line carries more power.

Keep writing and working to improve and someday perhaps you will become a poet of note. Good luck to you.

Cheers!

Harry
149
149
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, nmarshall ~

Your essay captures well your dismay at watching ice-coated tree limbs crack and fall during this winter storm. Overall, it is well-written.

I have these few comments for your consideration:

It is the day after Christmas(,) and southern Oklahoma is

I've watched her graceful branches dance in the wind, seeming to celebrate life. She taught me to sway with life's storms. She taught me to dance in the face of life's windier times. I have admired the willow for her ability to bend but never break. Now, she's breaking my heart, branch by branch. Even now, in the face of tragedy, she is swaying in the breeze. She is fighting until the end with dignity. As I watch her last stand, I struggle to keep the memory of her joyful dance alive.
>>>>> Do willow trees have sexes, male and female? How do you sex a willow tree? Unless you know that this willow tree is female, would "it" be more appropriate that 'her/she' in this paragraph to describe the tree?

You make it sound like the tree will actually be killed completely ("fighting until the end", "her last stand,").
Is that what actually happened? Or did it survive like most trees do after losing some branches in an ice storm? I so, this is a bit too dramatic.

Cheers!

Harry
150
150
Review of Decaying Beauty  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Winnie ~

Overall, this is written excellently. The word choice is wonderful; the poem is a perfect match to the picture. You even managed to work in 'legerdemain'. *Smile* The 1-4 rhymes are well done.

I did have a problem with this one line:

Autumn brings coolness and bright sun rays wain, >>>> I believe the correct word here is 'wane' instead of 'wain'. Also, It is difficult to glean your specific meaning from this line at present. Do you mean autumn brings two things -- coolness plus the waning of bright sun rays? OR do you mean two separate events happen: autumn beings coolness // bright sun rays wane? If you mean the first, then it should read: "Autumn brings coolness and bright sun rays' wane," (Wane is used as a noun here.) If you mean the second, it should read: "Autumn brings coolness, and bright sun rays wane," (Wane is used as a verb here.) Correcting this line will bring perfection to your poem.

Cheers!

Harry
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