Greetings, R.C. ~
The content is worthwhile and could be powerful. However, the delivery is so poor that it all but ruins the writing. It requires a total reworking. Examples of what I mean follow: [ ] = delete /// ( ) = insert
Look there, into that city[, s](. S)ee the husks of metal, the ruins of stone towers. Come a little deeper with me[, s](. S)ee that place[, t](. T)hey used to worship something there. [h](H)e was called God(,) and he watched over the ones who used to live. See the decomposed benches, the bone powders[, s](. S)ome people looked for [the g](G)od even when he had abandoned them. Let(')s leave this place[, i](. I)t(')s too unhappy here.
Roaches learn how to feed here(,) and mice learn ... Let(')s move on(.)
It(')s a stroller[, i](. I)t(')s what they used to put the babies in. It(')s empty now,
The leaders were corrupted(,) and their world was slowly [dieing](dying).
What(')s that? [Your](You're) one too? [w](W)ell then(,) you(,) my friend(,) are a heartless monster. Oh(,) no, not just you. It’s all of you. Come on[, l](. L)et(')s move foreword[, w](. W)e still have so much to see.
This used to be a rain [F](f)or[r]est[, a](. A)nimals lived and died here,
Now it(')s just a desert. You just had to take everything out with you(,) didn't you? Oh well, let(')s
Now look, very closely(,)[.] across that desert, right in the middle of that big(,) sandy sea. Can you see it? [l](L)ook harder.
This planet will regrow, [W](w)ithout you pesky humans might I add, to be full again.
Maybe you can try again[, ]and repair
This piece is well worth reworking into correct punctuation, spelling, and sentence structure.
Holiday Cheer!
Harry |
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