This is am amusing poem. I enjoyed its playful nature.
One suggestion would be to add correct punctuation throughout:
Be still my heart, or still you'll be(.)
[T](t)o release me from my coffin, now
[T](t)his tool of my distraction(.)
my obvious interment(.)
However, when I pulled this string(,)
[I](i)t failed--to my disturb-ment!
[T](t)he item you've created(,)
Oh(,) woe is me[,](;) I'm trapped, but good(.)
Your contraption isn't worth none(.) >>>>> isn't worth none??
There is one thing to tell you now(,)
[I](i)t's time to invent a new one!
Also, you now have two lines that do not begin with a capital letter. I'd extend that to all lines not starting a new sentence.
This is a fun write that could be improved with a little reworking.
The main problem with this poem is the format itself. Try this:
Out on the shore he looked away,
drawn by the ocean(')s crashing waves(.) [;]
[o](O)ut on the shore her heart [it] broke,
as she watched him stop to smoke.
They knew that ties of love would sever,
that he would go away forever[;](,)
ne’er to return to this shore,
ne’er to see her, his love, anymore.
And so the sloop the pirate boarded,
where all his treasure he had hoarded(.)[; a]
(A)way he sailed to far new lands,
to take from others with his hands.
Though he seemed so heartless and cruel,
even he had loved a girl(.)[; and]
[o} (O)n a shore so far away,
they hanged the pirate there today.
She heard the news(;)[,] her heart it wept(;)[,]
and so she plunged into the depth[;](.)
[h] (H)er body found broken and maimed,
death the choice she had claimed.
Formatted into 4-lined stanzas makes this look more like a poem.
This is well written. It draws the reader in and leaves him/her wanting to know what happens. Good job!
I have only a few suggestions for you to consider:
than eight inches tall[,] and yet was carved >>>> delete comma
Itzpapalotl was remarkable[;](--) a shapely(,) naked woman with clawed hands and bat-like wings, patches of skin worn away, revealing her skeleton underneath. Every physical detail had been immortalized, lending an[d] eerie, otherworldly beauty
He paid no mind to the cold[,] or the thunder and lighting overhead as he approached his neighbors’ house,
retrieved the key from under his neighbor’s front mat
>>>>> Be consistent. neighbors' vs neighbor's
I liked the content here. It was full of action and imagery.
Here are my suggestions for your consideration:
every cannon to a tee. >>>> Meaning is unclear to me.
Wave crests backs were broken >>>> wave crests' backs
from the weight of iron free. >>>> ..the weight of iron free? What does this mean?
The French two-decker shuddered(,)
the gun crews captains drilled.>>> gun crew's captain or crews' captain or crews' captains ??
"It's an extra tot for the first gun out[,](;)
we'll drink to [f](F)rench blood spilled."
The Frigate swept passed the [f](F)renchie,
For the Frenchmen(')s deck [it] was [h](H)ell on earth,
littered with the dead[.](,)
And for those with eyes to witness,
they saw the scuppers running red.
There is much to like about this poem. However, there are some problem areas as well. First of all, I think punctuation would help the read of this poem.
Also, you switch from they to you:
Never to be seen again the way they were
A love you had for years and years
The source of the separation of such true love is left unexplained. Sounds like they were lovers for years but he never would commit to the relationship:
Should you have stayed beside her side?
Should you have asked her to be your bride?
>>>Did he leave her willingly and now regrets it? Why was love lost? What is the relationship between the poet and the "you" in the poem. Is the poet the one who lost the love or someone he observes? The reader is left with too much uncertainty for my liking.
The content here is good, BUT why did you chop this up with all the commas? This ruins the read for me.
in the heart of winter
bloom, pale blossoms
on barren arms
lifted, towards the heavens in
exaltation; of a God
who in the midst
of desolation, and despair,
saw fit to
awaken; all that is
versus
in the heart of winter
bloom pale blossoms
on barren arms
lifted towards the heavens in
exaltation of a God
who in the midst
of desolation and despair
saw fit to
awaken all that is
You need to reconsider the punctuation used throughout this piece, in my opinion.
I like the content; most writers can identify with losing their muse at times. I think a few well-placed commas would aid the read of this. Plus you need to rewrite the sixth stanza to make it a sentence.
My suggestions for your consideration:
I lay in bed >>>> I lie in bed
the loss I feel(,) and so I nod.
I've lost now what I've held so dear(,)
imaginative words that used to flow
so freely from my mind so clear(,)
that falter now and cease to grow.
My muse was special(;) that I see
now that I've lost her from my mind(.)
[a](A)n apprentice muse I wish from Thee
left behind(,) as now I stand
A parchment filled with heart so bold
told with feeling and words of praise
of a sunrise tucked within the fold
its center lighting up the days.
>>>>>> This stanza is NOT a sentence, as are all the other stanzas.
I need to feel the warmth that comes
from the satisfaction I have earned(,)
knowing that I'm not all thumbs
by the number of pages I have (written)[turned].
>>>>> Turned could be gotten from reading a bought book!
You have written a gripping and sad piece about your daughter. It is hard for a parent to accept that their child can be mentally off, such as being a sociopath, and harder still to realize that they are not to blame for its happening. This is a thought-provoking piece that any parent will sympathize with. This is a very good opening chapter to set the tone and set the circumstances of your story to follow.
Just a couple of suggestions:
something to fill that hole in my life(.)
Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up[. S](, and s)he'll just be gone. >>>> Tie these two thoughts together more.
This is a touching poem, filled with great imagery and sentiment. I enjoyed the read.
I have a few suggestions for your consideration:
1) The punctuation is improper at several places:
Somehow there wasn't a freeze this year[,](.)
So, we find ourselves at Thanksgiving,
Amazed at how blossoms endure[.]
Through a tropical storm called Ida,
Buffered by wind and wet, to be sure.
>>>> At present, these last two lines are a sentence fragment.
2) Your lines 2 & 4 rhyme scheme works well, except in stanza two "stars" and "far" is not a good rhyme due to the 's' on stars.
This reads great! I enjoyed the stream of consciousness flowing through this poem. Plus you had some fantastic imagery. Overall, very nicely written.
The punctuation needs attention.
For many miles now no one to keep me company but James Taylor(.)[,]
He can be a boring co-pilot the fourth time repeated.
Rows of benches, wooden slats and metal, worn smooth by repetition(,)
Stationed opposite of vending machines, standing at attention(,)
Their contents flirting with the passersby.
she turns a(nd) finds my eyes grinning at her.
It whirs and spits my offering back several times before accepting(.)[,]
I punch D3, the same thing that she had just claimed, trusting her taste in sweets(.)[,]
Now sitting, ambivalent about my chocolate choice,
A man hustles in towing a tow(-)headed boy.
Some lines are rather too long. Plus being presented as one large block of text is daunting for some readers. Perhaps you could break this into shorter lines and include breaks into paragraphs. Finally, why not capitalize only the start of each sentence instead of the first word of each line even if it is mid-sentence? That would aid the reading.
This is a great start and a worthy effort. With a bit of tweaking, you'd have a top-rated poem here.
This is a nice tribute to your deceased grandmother. It is an enjoyable read.
The punctuation is erratic. You use question marks and several periods throughout, but leave much of the poem unpunctuated. It would read better if proper punctuation was used throughout. For example:
When [i](I) was a kid(,)
I always came over(.)
As time went on
I guess I grew older(,)
Never had time to spend with you(.)
Now I wish that's all I could do(.)
Where did you go?
A bit of reworking and you'd have an excellent poem.
Okay, this is strange -- reviewing an item in your portfolio that wasn't written by you.
It is a well-written poem that was an enjoyable read. I was a bit confused by the first line, "Come close, while I tell you of one yellow", because I assume this means a yellow case and it is dated 2009 and you are a blue case. What am I missing here?
Overall, the poem is quite laudatory about you, deservedly so. You should be pleased with it.
The lack of proper grammar makes this painful to read for me. Even in the summary there is a lack of proper usage: A nightmare that i had last night feb.17 2009 I needed to write before I forgot.
I'll illustrate what I mean by editing the first paragraph:
As I walked up the old(,) wooden stairs(,) I knew I was in [h](H)ell(.)[,] I wasn't sure how I knew(;) I just did. "I'm in [h](H)ell. God help me(,) I'm in [h](H)ell. I'm dead[,](.) I died(,) and I went to [h](H)ell." Fear and despair couldn't describe the way I felt, couldn't sum up my thoughts[. T](, t)hose resounding thoughts (of)"I'm dead, and now I'm in [h](H)ell." I stood in the wide(,) empty(,) upstairs level and noticed a large square cut perfectly in the center of the wooden floor. I wondered why it was there? The large area held no light, just darkness for as far as I could see. I noticed several large windows lining the wall directly across from where I stood[, t](. T)o the left of them was a door(.) [w](W)here it led I didn't know(,) and I wasn't sure I wanted to either.
The remaining paragraphs are in as bad shape.
The content seemed muddled and repetitious, but I guess you cannot control your nightmares.
This piece needs complete reworking to reach an acceptable standard of grammar usage.
This is a powerful piece, made even more so when one sees the prompt was "Acquaintance Rape". It captures quite well the feelings of betrayal and lost innocence. Nicely written piece.
"...friends wouldn't do that." >>> "Friends wouldn't do that."
You wrote a good poem in less than the required 8 lines maximum. The content is also quite good, making the reader feel your lost of control from heartache and grief. Overall, this is a nicely done poem. However, the line breaks seemed strange to me. They made the poem jerky to me.
I'd suggest:
heartache and grief weigh me down
just like that day at the beach
when a wave overtook me
and pounded me into the sand
and wouldn't let me up to breathe
in spite of how hard I fought
to break the surface[.]
Lover of music animals and drawing >>>> What are music animals? OR did you mean Lover of music, animals, and drawing
Who fins happiness in swimming >>> fins happiness OR finds
The African-Violets t(h)at bloom all over
And large from parents = ???
I'm from NE and mountai(n)s
Piis out of the pod and pineapples >>>>> Pii or Peas
From the speeding on the highway
The snowstorm and the car wrecks >>>> What does I'm from car wrecks mean?
all lays quietly. ??? all lie quietly
Hidden i(n)side rocks
Sunken i(n)side a pirate ship
Full of large words that [is] (are) written in a dictionary
Soon, after the full moon comes out (f)rom
I looked ove(r) to the meadow
a turquoise dragon laned on me. >>> laned ??
As to content, I enjoyed "Poetry is..." and "Silent Night" the most. You have potential. Keep writing!
This is an entertaining childhood story. I enjoyed the read.
The one major problem I had with it technically was that you switch from past tense in the first two paragraphs to the present tense for the third paragraph:
my pants got caught on a nail, the window came down on me and I'm stuck! >>>> I am stuck is present tense. You changed from describing the experience in the past tense to using the present tense here and then continue in the present tense. Was this done on purpose?
kindly helps my sister and [I](me) out ..... helps me
embarrassing, one of too many moments[,] I wish never[ed] happened., but still laugh over
A bit of reworking would greatly improve this piece.
Overall, this is well written to tell the tale of how misguided those who conducted the Salem witch hunt were. It held my interest and was entertaining, with a nice twist at the end.
I did find a few items for you to consider:
All of this was [all] their fault!
Our new Governor Phillips[,] set up a special Court
[The] Governor Phillips introduced
God’s [J](j)ustice shall prevail
first official execution[,] and our first triumph
townspeople had opposed [to] the trials[,](;) they even went so far
This short piece made interesting reading about how the past has to deal with the future. I enjoyed it, BUT there are entirely too many errors in such a short piece.
After commas (and periods) a space is required before the next word. It may be a formatting issue, but this piece has numerous places where you need a space. I indicated this throughout by ().
Also, you need to consider:
the fo(u)rth generation of my father(')s family
years.()My skills revolve around my occupation (as ? -- cowboy, cattle rancher, sheep herder, ?).
part of (my) daily routine.
An old log house,()heated from the winter's cold by a wood-burning stove(,) is called home.
Along with the old,()there is
that a horse(')s feet
The house is old(,) but it has made
have their places(,) and most recently after a long,()fought battle the computer made [it's](its) way >>>> long, fought battle makes little sense. Either a long battle OR a long, hard-fought battle
to be paid,()in one form or another(,) for the future develop[e]ment righ(t)s
This was a warm and touching story. You obviously are someone who loves animals. I enjoyed this gentle story very much.
Overall, it is written quite well. I found only a few items to bring to your attention:
the light in my front room was on(,) leaving parts of the room in darkness. As was my nightly habit, a quick [body] count of my cats >>> A body count to my mind refers to counting the dead bodies. You count live cats; so I'd omit the 'body' here.
as I quickly opened the window(,) all the while hoping he would
was the cats' dry cat food(,) but close behind were
was a strawberry(-)topped cheesecake pudding.
in an old(,) bent frying pan,
word must have gotten out(,) for each spring new possums
Your poem has good content. However, it has too many unnecessary words. Plus it would benefit from having punctuation.
I've been crushed(,)
[And I've been] bruised(,
[I've been] broken(,)
And amused(.)
Life has its ups
And [life has] its downs(.)
Reworked:
I've been crushed, bruised,
broken, and amused.
Life has its ups
and its downs.
Life has a lot(.)
Look at what you('ve) got(.)
You have your family and your friends(.)
Not everything needs to come to an end(.)
There will be bad days
And there will be good days(,)
For the Lord my God has his ways(.)
Three of your last five lines are much longer than the remaining lines in the poem. This detracts from the poem.
You have a great message here. However, the delivery could use some reworking.
Cheers!
Harry
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/harryg/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.29 seconds at 11:44am on Jun 28, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
