Thank you so much for sharing this story. It's amazing to look back at the holidays throughout the years and see how much things have changed. People leave us, and new members of the family join us. It's a continual change of growth.
Your story reminded us that memories can be made in the most unexpected moments and in the most unexpected places. It's a beautiful tale.
I could feel the love coming through your words from the grandson about his grandmother. How very much he treasured the experience he was able to share with her, and how much it made him have a whole new respect for her.
I loved how it made him reflect upon his life, to find a whole new appreciation for the love of the family in which he was blessed to be raised.
Thank you for giving us a story that encourages the reader to reflect back on their past Thanksgivings, and remember what made and makes the holidays so special.
Title and Description - Great title! It pulled me in and made me want to read your story. Your description is to the point and shares exactly what the story is about.
Story Plot - Good, unique twist for a flash fiction piece. I enjoyed the subject matter of the story.
I do wish the story, and the characters were fleshed out a little more. I think there is an even better story just underneath the surface waiting to be brought out a bit more.
Characters - The characters made the story interesting. However, as I said earlier, I wish they had developed more. Even for a flash fiction piece, I felt like they could have been developed a little more.
Setting - You did an excellent job with the setting. It put me in the story and was easy to follow along with. You also did a fabulous job using Edgar Allen Poe references. Great job!
I really enjoyed your story. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
Nice story. I wanted to slap the husband across the face. He's lucky that she stayed with him for that long. After thirty years, it seems like he'd show her a little respect!
Title and Description - The title sums up the story nicely. The description gives the reader a good idea of what the story is about.
You may want to add a couple of more genres to go with "Drama". A lot of people find pieces to read based on genres only. It may help bring more people to read your writing.
The Characters - You do a good job with the dialogue between the characters. It seems real and true to life. It helps propel the story forward, showing the tension that's between them.
The Setting - The setting works okay for the story.
It may help add a little more descriptions of the surroundings. It could help the reader be able to envision the scenes a little more deeply.
What I Liked Best - When she walked about the door and didn't look back.
Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it.
I found your writing through the Read and Review Link.
This was a good flash fiction piece. You were able to hold my attention from the beginning through to the end.
A powerful attorney who is used to others doing things for her and taking care of her needs thinks caring for her new baby will be so easy it will drive her insane with nothing to do.
She looks over her kitchen, it's well organized and she takes pride in herself. Back from the grocer, to make a nice meal for her husband, she looks over the ingredients, when suddenly she realizes just what she forgot! You did a great job writing this part with realism and emotion. My eyes grew wide as I read your words.
You did a really nice job writing this flash-fiction piece.
You may want to consider changing the genre "Contest Entry" to "Drama". A lot of people find pieces to read by looking up specific genres. It may help bring more people in to read your writing.
Thanks so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
This was a good story. You caught my attention from the beginning and held it all the way through. You did an excellent job using the prompts and writing the story within the time constraint.
Great job with writing descriptions. I was easily able to envision each scene as I read. The descriptions of the grown man with the mentality of a young child who is easily distracted were done well.
I did wonder if he was like that from birth, or if something happened to make him that way. Not that it's necessary for the story, it's just my curiosity.
Dialogue between the two was relaxed and did not seem forced. It helped propel the story forward at a nice pace.
I only have one minor suggestion:
“This is yuge."
"This is huge."
Thanks for sharing your entertaining story with us. I enjoyed it.
This is a cute story. I'm going to let my granddaughter read it, I know she'll love it.
The dialogue between the cats flowed smoothly and they sounded like they were all very comfortable around each other. Their ruse to be awakened when Santa came was a good one and made me chuckle.
You did a good job writing descriptions. It was easy for me to envision each scene as I read.
The only suggestion I have is to maybe break up the dialogue sentences with a space in between each one. It would make it easier to read, giving our eyes a space to rest.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it.
Beautiful opening paragraph that drew me right in. Your descriptions kept me spellbound. My mind went a couple of different places for the ending, but I convinced myself to just enjoy the reading experience and find out what was going to happen. You held me in suspense up to the very end. Nice job!
I have a couple of minor suggestions:
silent and impla cable,
There's a space between the a and c
You should find a third genre for the categories. Maybe 'Drama'. It may help bring more people in to find your writing since many look for items to read by clicking only on specific genres.
Thanks so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
Nice job on writing this fantasy story based on the song. Are you supposed to name the title and write the description based on the song and not your story? If not, I'd make the title and description relate more to the piece you wrote. Just my two cents
The characters are nicely done. The reader easily can feel the depth of trust and love between the two. This bond also comes through at the end of the story.
You also do a great job on the setting. The reader can easily envision each scene as we read.
The dialogue is well done and true to how I imagine they would speak. The relationship between all of the characters is also done well.
The only thing is I felt the danger of the demons could have been made a little more prominent in the story. I think it would have given more of the sense of danger they were in. Especially being in danger from them for four years.
A small typo:
Her protective flanes
Her protective flames
Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it.
Great job using the prompt. The story was an entertaining and fun read. I was a redhead growing up with a splatter of a few light freckles on both cheeks and over my nose. As I got older the freckles faded and my hair darkened.
Your main character must have wanted to be a redhead pretty badly. But she didn't know exactly what she had signed up for!
Your characters' dialogue was comfortable natural, and true to life. The two women seem to have a natural connection and hit it off right off the bat.
You did a pretty good job with the setting. I wouldn't have minded a few more details but you did a good job with the word and time limit.
The plot moved along at a nice pace and kept me interested. I was eager to see if she was going to be found out, and if so, what was going to happen to her.
You have a good title for the story that drew in my attention. I think you could expand the description just a tad. Give a little more hint of what the story is about. It may help draw in more readers.
Thanks so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
This is a cute story. It made me chuckle. I could just see boys coming up with a scheme like this! And let's face it, how many of us wanted to invent our own indoor swimming pool when we were young?
Your title caught my attention and your description urged me to read on.
Your descriptions and setting throughout the story were well done. You keep the reader engaged with everything going on with the characters and around the characters. Excellent job!
I love that they ran away to keep from getting into trouble. lol. Like the act of running away wouldn't get them into even worse trouble. Then with all that planning, they ran back after only a few hours because they didn't want to get into the same state that got them into this mess to begin with! Sounds just like the way kids think and behave.
Good job with the prompt. Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. It brought me a chuckle and I enjoyed it.
From the Part One comment at the top, I assume this is for a workshop.
You did a good job on the brief background of both of your characters. I think it's a great idea to use two secondary characters from your novel to see if they can make it as the lead characters. It also gives you the advantage of knowing them a bit.
Good title for your writing assignment. Your description lets us know it's for a Romance workshop. I think you should follow that up with a brief sentence about your story. It may help draw more in to read your story.
You did a good job with your story. You let us get to know your characters enough to already form a bit of an attachment to them and want them to hook up. The story was humorous and made it easy to follow each scene as I read.
The spilling of coffee in front of someone who's the last person one would want to do that kind of thing, made it easy to put myself in her shoes, forming that bond between reader and character. Nice job.
I enjoyed reading your first assignment and look forward to reading more.
LOL - She's got it bad. I've known coffee addicts before—I used to be one myself but this takes it to a whole new level. When you have to launder pennies for your fix, that's a whole other story.
You have a good title that fits the story well and your description is a good teaser.
Your character comes through as a serious addict in need of her fix. With just one look, her husband knows all of the signs. Nice job.
The cops were a nice fit to your story. The only thing that may have made it a bit more comedic, is if you would have had doughnuts to go with the cop's coffee - to hint at their fix for their cliche addiction.
You did a good job with the prompt. Not an easy prompt to write for but a cute one that produced a story that made me chuckle.
I didn't notice any glaring grammatical errors.
Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it.
You did a good job using the song as a prompt. I like that you took the song's main message and based the story on it. I also like the inspiration you got from the line "You said life is a painting." It worked really well for the creativity of the story.
Title and Description - Perfect title for the story. The description grabbed my attention and urged me to read on.
Storyline/Plot - A father doesn't support his son in his dream of becoming a painter. He thinks his son is wasting his life. And after a contest leaves the son with no wins under his belt, the son begins to think his father may be right.
The Characters - You did an excellent job with all of your characters. The reader is able to get to know them all through your words easily. The dialogue you used is 'true to life' and brings the reader into the character's world. Nicely done.
The Setting - The setting could have been a bit more developed but for the story, what you wrote did a good job of enabling me to envision each scene as I read.
What I Liked Best - I liked that the one he thought would dislike his painting the most, turned out to be his saving grace. It also shows you beauty and art is in the eye of the beholder.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it.
Good, sad story. Poor old man. I wanted to scream, someone step in and take care of him! But how many old men and women are out there facing the same kind of loneliness and self-dependence every day? It's a sad story, indeed.
The Title and Description - A good title that grabbed my attention and the story piqued my curiosity to urge me to read on.
The Storyline/Plot - A little old, blind man goes to sit on the park bench every day. He clinches an old photograph that he can not see and a necklace, both belonging once to an old friend of his. Though he could no longer see, a smile still shone on his face and behind his blind eyes. He was new in town, and remained an enigma. Both at the end of his life and in death.
The Characters - The main character puts off an energy of peace and acceptance. Of a life once lived of happiness, caring, and love.
The Setting - You did a nice job with the descriptions and details that helped me envision each scene as I read. Well done!
Suggestions - I didn't find any typos or mistakes. Your writing is good as is.
What I Liked Best - The overall feel and message of the story.
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This was a good story with a bit of horror, suspense, drama, and mystery.
The Title and Description - I love the title. It holds an intrigue and sounds like an urban legend. Your description is well written and urged me to read on.
The Storyline/Plot - A man is traveling down a road in Blackbriar Swamp. He has heard about the monster that has haunted this swamp for a good part of his life. He's on horseback when loud noises start to disrupt the peace. The noise gets so bad, it spooks the horse who throws the rider off. The sounds and loud thrashes get louder and closer. Will he make it out of the swamp alive?
The Setting - Good job with the descriptions and details. They enabled me to envision each scene as I read.
Whar I Liked Best - The mystery of what was going to happen, and what type of monster was threatening him.
Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
He urged the his horse
than he was expected.
branch and lit
A comma is needed after branch
illumination then
illumination than
his eye he
A comma is needed after eye
stood between.
stood between them.
his right had
his right hand
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This is a good story that touches the heart in more ways than one. It's a creative and imaginative story with a chilling plot.
The Title and Description - Perfect title for this story. It fits the plot in multiple ways. The description caught my attention and urged me to read on!
The Storyline/Plot - A woman gets out of jail and gets on a bus heading for her destination. The bus stops at a restaurant. She goes in for a hot bowl of soup, on a cold, snowy day when she meets someone that will touch her heart and rattle her at the same time. Will she believe the truth?
The Characters - Your writing allows the parolee's personality to shine through. Though she's quiet and reserved, she also has a very kind heart and is not afraid of helping others. We can feel the little boy's sadness and loneliness through your words.
The Setting - You do a good job with the descriptions and details, so the reader can easily envision each scene as we read.
What I Liked Best - The ending. It's a great twist ending. I also like how the title and the beginning of the story come full circle.
Thank you so much for sharing this story with us. I enjoyed it.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Oh, that was such a good story. You did a wonderful job with the prompt. The prompt reminded me of Ebenezer Scrooge. It's nice that you took the story on a totally different path. Congratulations on your win. Your story deserved it!
The Title and Description - Good title that fits the story nicely. The description says all it needs to say. It was enough to urge me to read on.
The Characters - You did a wonderful job showing the love the father and son shared. The father's loneliness and desperation to see his son also shine through your words. The son's love for the father comes through his actions and words. The kindness of both is seen by allowing the orphan, Ralph, to become a part of the family.
The Setting - Nice job on writing the descriptions and details enough so that the reader can easily envision each scene as they read.
What I Liked The Best - I liked the whole story. I also liked the strong bond of love shown between the father and the son, so much so that nothing could stop them from being together. I also liked the kindness shown in allowing the orphan, Ralph, to move in. That also meant the father wouldn't be alone.
Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful story. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Oh, no! This was a good story, with a surprise ending I didn't see coming. Poor guy. I can see your wry humor coming through this story.
The Title and Description - Great title that goes perfectly with the story. Good description that urged me to read on. Congratulations on winning third in the Senior Center Forum. You deserved it!
The Storyline/Plot - A guy who just inherited some money from his aunt, stops in a pug to have a few drinks with his buds. A very creative and imaginative tale.
The Characters - You do such a wonderful job with the characters. Their personalities come out strongly through your words. I love the easy-going, jovial, and giving personality of the main character. Excellent job!
The Setting - Beautiful job on giving enough descriptions and details so that the reader can envision each scene as they read. Well done!
What I Liked Best - The camaraderie between all of the friends drinking at the bar. You did an amazing job making that scene so life-like. And of course, the marvelous, surprising ending. I love twist endings, and this one certainly does not disappoint!
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This is a cute story. The little lemonade girls are starting young in solving their community's mysteries. A couple of little Nancy Drews. A creative little tale. Nice job!
The Title and Description - Great title that fits the story perfectly. The definition piqued my curiosity and urged me to read on!
The Storyline/Plot - Two little girls use their lemonade stand as a front to their Detective agency. There they solve crimes like what happened to their teacher's apple, to where their friend's teddy bear disappeared to.
The Characters - Great job on showing the reader the two little girl's personalities in such a short piece. Their eagerness and innocence shine through.
The Setting - Nice job on writing the descriptions and details so I was easily able to envision each scene as I read.
What I Liked Best - I liked the overall story. I did feel for the poor dog who was so happy to have found a new toy.
Below are a few minor suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
second grade
second-grade
lunch time.
lunchtime
At first I
A comma is needed after first
Today, we would be
Today, we will be
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This was a good story. You did an excellent job using the prompt. I found it inspiring and true to life.
You may want to put a third genre. Maybe Suspense. Many people look up items to read just by using the genres search bar. This may help more people find your piece. It's also good to have all three genres if your item gets chosen for a Quill.
The Title and Description - Perfect title. It goes great with your story. The description caught my attention and urged me to read on. Well done!
The Storyline/Plot - A woman who lives by herself falls into a deep hole while hiking. She's not expecting anyone to come looking for her, and she doesn't see a way out. She's about sixty feet from the top.
The Characters - You do a good job in such a short story by letting us get to know your character.
The Setting - It would be nice to have a little more of the setting of where she's hiking. It would give the readers a bit more of her harrowing situation.
What I Liked Best - The overall message of the story. The hallucinating.
Below are a few minor suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit,
one of turns
one of the turns
Eventually she forced
A Comma is needed after Eventually
was a hiker not
A comma is needed after hiker
At first she
A comma is needed after first
her in disappoint,
her in disappointment,
to be be
Thanks so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This is a cute story. I was afraid the boy was a trap. I'm glad it wasn't. I didn't want to see what happened to the woman happen to the dragon. I thought it was creative how he decorated his cave.
The Title and Description - The name is unique and drew me to your piece. I would write a little bit about what your story is about under the description. Although, to be honest, what you have there did urge me to read on.
The Characters - Your characters are entertaining, and the writing did make me care about them.
The Setting - Good job on writing the descriptions and details that helped me to envision each scene as I read.
What I Liked Best - The personality of the dragon.
I'd space some of your paragraphs, so it'd make it easier to read, and be easier on the eyes.
I have a few suggestions for you below. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Eyes piercing
Eyes pierced
the eldest woman went,
the elderly woman made,
a mullberry
a mulberry
slight sound
A comma is needed after sound
Nothing. Grass swayed
The grass
Meanwhile the predator
A comma is needed after Meanwhile
dark colored dragon
dark-colored dragon
two week old dragon
two-week-old
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it!
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
And a child shall lead them... Great story with a well-written, complex main character.
The Title and Description - Fabulous title that drew me to your writing. The description is vivid and evokes visions of a bit of what the story may be about, urging me to read on!
The Storyline/Plot - The Shadow Weaver, an evil being, the making of everyone's nightmares, the harbinger of doom, the spawn from which rumors are bred. All starts to unfurl by the innocent, yet truthful words of a little girl.
The Characters - The Shadow Weaver, An Innocent Little Girl, and An Old Oak, with a magical energy. All are well-written and each one adds a creative, imaginative, and deeper meaning to your story.
The Setting - Your setting is filled with vivid descriptions and details that allow the reader to envision each scene as we read. Well done!
What I Liked Best - The complexity of your main character. The storyline and of course, the ending. I love that you used an ancient oak with magical properties and energy for the wisdom needed to change.
Thank you for sharing this fantastic story with us. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Oh no! This is a good, funny, and creative story. It's definitely reminiscent of the The Emperor's New Clothes. Great job!
Title and Description - Fabulous title and a good description that urged me to read on. I was surprised though that you had "Contest entry" and "Other" listed in your genres. You who always remind others not to do so. Oh, for shame, Jody! I'd change one to Drama and one to another genre that fits. (I can't remember them all right now.) Maybe Fantasy. You'll find one.
The Storyline/Plot - A Duke who is not the best good-looking Duke, wants to fool his hoped-to-be bride, by getting a painting commissioned of a better-looking him, to send to her. Two scammers talk him into hiring someone who only those who are pure of heart will be able to see the true beauty of the painting. The rest will see only a mess. He goes along with this thinking that he'll own all the hopeful bride-to-be's land. You must read on to find out what happens.
The Characters - Great set of characters. We get to know the Duke's greed, and conniving self, as he meets up with two characters who are just as greedy and conniving as he.
The Setting - You do a good job at setting. The reader is easily able to envision each scene as we read.
What I Liked Best - The comedic quality of the story while teaching a good, moral lesson. Greed and dishonesty will get you nowhere good. It only opens you up to the same type of people.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
A good story. But one that is a bit sad also. Two lovers who just can't let each other go.
The Title and Description - A good title that works well with the story. The description confused me a bit, as I was expecting to read about a woman who was a ghost, and finally finds a way to accept it. I guess it's all how you read into it.
The Storyline/Plot - A tale of two lovers. One has died, but they still can't find it in their hearts to let go of each other. The one who dies, won't stay away from the one who is still living and he visits her dreams all of the time. The one living, won't let the one who died go and keeps calling him to her, begging him not to ever leave her. It's a tale of deep love, but also a sad one of not being able to let each other go, and move on.
The Characters - They're well-written and the reader is easily able to get to know both of their personalities.
The Setting - Excellent job writing the descriptions and details of the setting. It easily allows us to envision each scene as we read.
What I Liked Best - The true love that they both feel, and her being able to feel his energy in the end.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This writing touched my heart. How do you not give a writing like this Five Stars? It is full of love, admiration, teachings, and many things in life we learn to treasure when we have them, though we may not realize to what extent until it is too late, and they leave us.
Your time at the racetrack together sounds like a magical time for a little boy and his grandfather. Pretty smart of your grandpa to go get the horse picks from the janitor. He's there to hear many of the races for which horses come in as top winners!
The railroad setup sounds amazing! I've always liked miniature landscapes. I bet it was a sight to behold!
Congratulations on your grandfather quitting smoking. I smoked Kools also for forty years. I started when I was fourteen smoking a pack a day. I smoked a pack a day until I recently quit. It was hard. I took it five minutes (literally) at a time. I know he knew you were proud of him.
You are a very lucky man to have had your grandfather as long as you did. It seems he taught you many things, among those good values and morals. It's amazing to read when someone is beyond their time like he was with computers. I always wished I got into it on the ground floor.
My grandfather died when I was very young, but I still have a few memories I'll forever carry with me. I know your grandfather left you with many memories you will share with your family for the rest of your life. You're blessed.
Thank you for sharing such a personal experience with us. I enjoyed it.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
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Intuey
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Nice story. I wanted to slap the husband across the face. He's lucky that she stayed with him for that long. After thirty years, it seems like he'd show her a little respect!
A small typo:
SPOILER ALERT! 
And let's face it, how many of us wanted to invent our own indoor swimming pool when we were young?
You did a good job with your story. You let us get to know your characters enough to already form a bit of an attachment to them and want them to hook up. The story was humorous and made it easy to follow each scene as I read.
WRITE ON! 
than he 
branch and lit
illumination then
his eye he
stood between.
his right had 
Today, we would be
Eventually she forced 
was a hiker not 
her in disappoint, 
a mullberry