Boy can I relate. What I learned - too late - was that kids who have been abused turn into adults who often cannot see (or maybe they're just attracted to) potential future abusers.
My only suggestion would be that you need to use "an abused..." in each place where you've used "a abused...".
This is great! I'm so glad it was featured in the Author's Newsletter this week. I think you should send it to...Toastmasters or something. 'Cause I have noticed folks use "irregardless" when they speak, but rarely when the write.
Thanks for sharing. (But maybe you shouldn't make fun of fixin' to. Your prediction just might come true. )
There is a bit of a good message here - that parents (and other adults) need to listen as well as speak to their children. You're right about that, and that's a message that should be shared and emphasized.
However, the message is lost in this writing, I'm sorry to say. It needs quite a bit of work in order for it to be a writing that people will take seriously.
1)This might work as it's written if it's meant to be a spoken speech, rather than a written article. One can get away with saying, "I mean" a few times in a speech.
2)There is a shift from past tense to present tense that I would would probably fix or change.
3)There are misspelled words and words used improperly.
For example, you wrote:
If you can remember the show “Charlie Brown” their was a character on there that use to talk and all you heard was woomp,woomp, woomp that’s what adults sound like when there talking I mean speaking or what ever they think that there doing.
I would probably change this to:
In the Charlie Brown shows, there was a character whose words all sounded like, "woomp, woomp, woomp." That’s what adults sounded like when they talked, I mean spoke, or whateever they thought they were doing.
And I would change this:
I use to have some good people in my life if I can remember but all they did was voice their opinion, now that I think about it all adults I mean most of adults are so adultie, I know that this is not a word but perhaps you can open you mind.
To:
I used to have some good people in my life, but all they did was voice their opinion. Most of adults are so "adultie". (I know that is not a word, but it fits.)
There are other things I would change, but you get the idea. You need to watch for verb tense problems and spelling problems, as well as sentence structure problems.
I do think you have a point. Kids are certainly people and should be treated with respect by their parents. (We tell kids that about their parents all the time, and it does go both ways. But so does the fact that one earns respect.) However, as a parent, I also understand that I will always be a parent, and that does not always mean being a friend to my child. (He's 23 now, and frankly, he doesn't want me to be his friend. He likes having me as an older adult mentor with life experiences he has not yet had.)
What wonderful memories. And how sad it is that coming generations will not have these to look back upon.
A few suggestions:
This sounds a big choppy:
My brother and I frequently made week long summer visits. My grandparents always welcomed our visits. They were ever vigilant in keeping us safe from all the danger that existed on the farm. We were always allowed to “help”. They had great measures of patience.
Perhaps:
My brother and I frequently made week long summer visits. Our grandparents always welcomed our visits, and they were ever vigilant in keeping us safe from all the danger that existed. They showed great measures of patience as they allowed us to "help".
And:
My grandparents were successful farmers that raised outstanding products with few resources.
Should be:
My grandparents were successful farmers who raised outstanding products with few resources.
What a wonderful story. What wonderful pictures! And the Adopt a Wickets are a great idea for a good cause. I'll run over there in just a minute.
Your story about Pippin's almost demise really got to me. We had a Shih-Tzu that adopted us and loved her to death. Haven't gotten another one because they are so expensive as puppies, and finding adults isn't easy. Perhaps I need to visit our local shelters regularly. Hmmm.
The only thing I might change is at the end, where you have an incomplete sentence.
With visions of their week etched clearly in memory, they journeyed. Out of those mountains, back toward home; with the realization that God had sent them to do a special job, at a special time, for a special family.
Perhaps:
With visions of their week etched clearly in memory, they journeyed back toward home with the realization that God had sent them to do a special job, at a special time, for a special family.
Great poll. We need to know what motivates people. Someone told me not long ago that every contest needed wonderful graphics or else no one was interested. This poll seems to disagree with that thinking.
It's also interesting that prizes is fourth, behind genre, description and guidelines (although very close to that one).
Good for you for wanting to explain the difference between showing and telling. You're right that many new writers don't understand when someone they are told to show rather than tell.
Some suggestions:
"Show don’t tell" is an oft repeated statement that makes new writers go "huh?" I would say, ask, "huh?" instead of go.
These are the mistakes that most writers make and are easy enough to correct, once you know what to look for. I would probably change this sentence so it didn't end in a preposition. I know some think that isn't important anymore, but it would sound better if it was changed.
Her face contorted into a scowl and eyes narrowed, she watched him approach. Perhaps you are missing a word here. "...as she watched him approach."
Adjectives like mere, basic, essential, major and fundamental are best done away with. This is another sentence ending with a preposition.
I would probably read the real Bible story first, then use the modern day example.
I did notice this sentence needing some work:
The man goes into the shop and asked the depressed sales assistance if he could use the shops PA system to speak to the crowds of people hanging around.
I would say:
The man went (or better still walked or marched or strode)into the shop and asked the depressed sales assistant if he could use the shop's PA system to speak to the crowd of people hanging around.
Daizy May, I'm sooooooooo glad you started a blog. I don't know how I missed that you did. Perhaps it was because I was so worn out after the trip to Texas. But I found you now, and am putting you on my blog list. I'll also have to mention you in my blog entry today...when I get around to it. (Remember those things? Round tuits?)
Thanks for sharing your faith in such a wonderful way.
This is great. Most moms (and some dads, to be fair) can certainly understand being under-appreciated. Or not appreciated at all. To compare that to how Jesus must have felt at not being appreciated really makes the message personal.
Yikes. Isn't it amazing what details you can remember after seeing an accident like this?
Just a few suggestions:
1) I would put spaces between paragraphs to make it easier to read (and better presented on the page).
2)When ever I did, I'd always manage to somehow find a station he couldn't bare to listen to. Which that always lead in to an argument and making want me to pull my hair out.
Perhaps: Whenever I did, I always managed to find a station he couldn't stand, which lead to an argument and made want me to pull my hair out.
3)I didn't really realize till later that I had said this out loud, which awoken my dad.
Better: I didn't really realize until later that I had said this out loud which woke my dad.
What a fascinating blog. It jumps from here to there, goes hither and yon, speaks of such a variety of things. It's also colorful, atrractive for the eyes. (Well, maybe except for the orange text.)
This is short, but it says so much. I liked the transition between what can make one feel good and the cloud that can change things entirely. Indeed, one never knows what will elicit a bad memory...or a good one, for that matter.
Reflecting the beauty of nature around us while being alone can be more difficult than when we're with someone special. You've made that point rather well.
Good for you. I'm glad that you have created this page (and forum) to show the works of those who are no longer with us. Some of these words take on an even greater meaning, since we know there will be no more (here on earth, anyway). Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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Your verb tenses have bounced around from past to present and back to past tense. I would probably make them all past tense verbs.
and whether or not a few rhymes were not a bit forced.