Good job. Your description says, "This is a fictionalized non-fiction piece, so to say." I almost get that. Sometimes when we write, memories and facts get confused, especially when writing something emotional.
Some suggestions:
It would be easier to read if you put spaces between paragraphs.
Also, this part:
As a treat, when my mother went off alone to look at some clothes for herself, my great grandmother took my sister and I took a kiosk in the middle of the mall to buy some pogs.
...should actually say, "my sister and me." The way to tell is to take out "my sister and" and you'll see that "my great-grandmother took me to a kiosk in the middle of the mall..." sounds right.
Thanks for writing this one. It's important for folks to understand that homeless and/or addicted persons are often highly educated and formerly highly paid.
Some suggestions:
About your description:
She was headed down the wrong path until she finds a friend in rags.
I would change that to:
She was headed down the wrong path until she found a friend in rags.
Also:
This could just as easily be me. I pray someone that understands would offer a hand and heart to guide me home.
This part is a bit confusing. First, it comes as a change in verb tense. You've been writing in past tense and suddenly change to present tense. I assumed that you were thinking of the past and that it should have been: This could just as easily have been me. I prayed someone would understand and would offer a hand and heart to guide me home.
But as the story progresses, this could be a present need for prayer. Perhaps just leaving out these two lines would make more sense, or putting them at the end?
Interesting, Daphne. If my writing had to wait for the house to be cleaned and for peace and quiet, I'd never get much writing done.
Some of your sentences are longer than I might like. (Reading them aloud might leave one breathless?) And for my eyes, the color you chose was just a bit hard to read on the page.
That this causes one to think is excellent. The mystery behind the words makes it worth reading. There are some things that you need to fix, though, to make it "perfect."
That first sentence, for instance. Thinkingly? Strange word. You also need a capital "I" there.
Thanks for sharing. I appreciate the reminder of what beauty and wonder is all around us.
Good job. Indeed, there are still protests. And, as you so aptly pointed out, those protests - like the ones about going to war in Iraq - are not publicized as much as they should be. Most folks probably don't realize how many thousands were gathered in cities all over the US and the world...because the media didn't cover the protests. Or if they did, it was to show "violence"...
Anyway, about your poem. Good job. I did wonder about these lines:
You think days were we believed in change
Are finally dead and gone
Did you mean "where we believed" or "when we believed"?
At the end, you've left to us to figure which things are contaminating minds and producing docile smiles. Good job!
I might consider taking out a few of the "things" in these lines:
A collection of things,
comfortable things, consoling things,
entertaining things, practical things,
pretty things, consumer things,
contaminating things,
but acceptable things,
Perhaps:
A collection of things,
comfortable things, consoling,
entertaining and practical things,
pretty things, consumer and
contaminating things,
but acceptable things,
Welcome to Writing.com. If you're looking for a place to write and to learn, you've come to the right place!
I've found that inspiration hits at the oddest times, so I always have a notebook with me to jot down ideas and phrases. I also write in a word program where I can make corrections before posting anywhere.
Hope that helps.
About your writing: There were a few places where you didn't capitalize "I."
You're right about one thing. Extremists, whether they are religious or not, can be dangerous. Those who oppose all religions are often just as dangerous, in my mind.
About your opinion piece:
There are numerous places where punctuation problems occur. I would also probably use a few more paragraphs, making this easier to read on the page.
Even for one who lived back then, there's quite a jump here between your beginning statement about the 50's and delving into King's speech in the 60's.
But you have reminded me how we've almost seemed to go farther away from King's dream instead of closer. Indeed, there are some ways that racial problems have been changed and resolved.
But it was these words: "When all of God’s children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands..." that I realized how things have changed and not for the better.
Now, rather than think that older folks have some wisdom, we think they are useless. Is it any wonder that those with any money head for retirement in Florida?
We discriminate more now than ever, not only against color but gender, body size, age, and religion.
What a fantastic idea - crossword puzzles. It's all that was lacking from the site. I know a few folks who just might be enticed to join now that they can creat crossword puzzles.
My how things have changed and grown in just a few short years.
Good one, (user:matt123}. In a few short words, you've shown us the fear this person feels. Another reviewer suggested this might be expanded. I agree, although it does work well this way too.
Some suggestions:
It is dark beneath the coats and furs inside the closet witch stands halfway along the ground floor hallway."Witch" should be which here.
She can hear him moving through the house searching for her in every nook and cranny he can think of. I would probably leave out the words "he can think of." They aren't necessary, and with them this sentence ends in a preposition.
The title and description drew me in. As I read this, I thought that it was a "typical" abuse story that needed to be shared. The more we write and talk about abuse and get it out in the open, the better the chance of eradicating it. But your story was, indeed, a surprise.
It does need some work, though. That first paragraph should probably be cut into two or three, making it easier to read. There are also some long sentences.
Thanks for sharing. And welcome to Writing.com. We're glad you're here!
Blessings,
Kenzie
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