Good poem. Good rhyme and rhythm. I liked how you began with kids and ended with grown-ups. You probably have lots of stories you could tell about your experiences in Iraq.
Wow, I'm glad I found this. You've written some powerful words here about my birth place. Yes, you probably do need a few corections (your description does say you never made edits/corrections), but reading this brought back so many memories of the 'Burgh.
Forty years ago, I was only 14. I remember that downtown smelled of soft pretzels and nasty cigars. Especially Wood(s?) Street.
At 16, though, I must have seen some of the same things you did. It was then that I penned a poem after being downtown. In it I said, "millions of people all around, yet we are ever alone."
I haven't been back to Pittsburgh since my son was about 6 and we went to Kennywood. He's 22 now. I think before the year is out, I should make a visit. Now that I'm in Ohio (and not TX or FL like I was), I'm a lot closer. Pittsburgh is calling.
Wow. This sent chills through me (or is that the illness or meds?). I think it was your poem. Seriously. I think these are rather wise words.
Perhaps some poems can be tweaked a bit when one is writing a rhyming poem and one word just doesn't sound right, or one line just doesn't flow properly. But when we begin re-writing and re-writing, our poetry does take on a new life.
I once met a man who had been writing and re-writing the same poems for years. He wanted them to be just perfect. He asked for my help in editing and typing them up for him in some organized fashion. I did type them, but the only editing I did was that I used his first original poems and made sure the spelling was correct and they presented well on the page. He was thrilled with the results, and then chagrined when he realized that he'd edited out the original beauty all those many years.
Thanks for your excellent word crafting and wise thoughts. There are likely many writers and poets who will disagree with your words, but that's because no two writers are really alike.
I absolutely love your poem about poetry. To me, you've captured pretty well how I think about poetry. It's always a shame to me that we don't teach children to enjoy poetry at an early age.
I'm really glad you started by mentioning Psalms.
Thanks for sharing!
Blessings,
Kenzsie
"Any healthy man can go without food for two days -- but not without poetry." -Charles Baudelaire
You've attempted a rhyming poem here, which usually means there is some rhythm as well, and lines that were more equal in length/syllables/meter. If it were free verse or created as prose, that wouldn't be an issue, of course. But it probably wouldn't have rhymes either.
Also:
1) When you came into my life,
Thoughts of hope in my finally occurs,
Since you're using past tense, that second line should say: occurred.
2) The words "life" and "strife" are overused in poetry and, therefore, sound like forced rhymes.
I really think these thoughts would almost be better written as a love letter. People do like to hear that they are wanted and loved.
Awww. This is short and sweet and says so much about you and your whole family with just these few words. Everyone should have a hero. And it appears that you have the perfect one.
I don't think you can improve on this.
Thanks for sharing. My hero used to be 2 years old too. Now he's 22.
Now let's see if I understand what you've written here. Hmmm. Using a Word document allows you to format your writing in any way, right? I think I've got it.
Seriously, this is a great example of what's possible. Even a little yellow box. Me thinks I should use this format. But first I need to clean out my port to make room.
Let's see. Using a Word document allows you to format your writing in any way. I'll remember that.
The good news is that since you've shared your own struggles, others will be blessed.
As one who suffers from fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, chronic pain, depression and lost of other things that go hand-in-hand with the fibro, I was blessed with finding a counselor who is part of my insurance plan and who is a Christian. He asked when I was my happiest. And when I thought back to the happiest times of my life, I realized they were the times when I was busy serving God and serving people. Doing for others was always my happiest time. But when you're in constant pain, or no longer able to do the things you used to do, it's really easy to focus on self.
I needed to read this today. I'm glad I discovered it.
My only suggestions:
You used "waist" where it should have been "waste."
Also, there are a few long sentences that I might change. Here's one:
That quote has ministered to me so much. Because while I focus on being content in this life I am convicted by her words, I am not supposed to be happy in this life I am here for His glory and should be preparing for Heaven by storing up treasures there, not making my life here more and more comfortable.
I might try:
That quote has ministered to me so much, because while I focus on being content in this life I am convicted by her words. I am not supposed to be happy in this life. I am here for His glory and should be preparing for Heaven by storing up treasures there, not making my life here more and more comfortable.
This is beautiful. Excellent word crafting, rhythm and rhymes.
I wish I shared this love for fall. Yes, for years I thought about the beauty of autumn leaves when I lived in FL and TX and saw few (and short) changes of seasons. Now that I live in the north again, I have to rake those leaves and they lose some of their beauty because of it. And knowing that snow comes next, another thing that looks great from the window, but must be shoveled... I wish summer lasted longer!
Thanks for sharing. You did write a beautiful poem.
What a fun experience. Music is one language that everyone seems to understand.
Suggestion:
For most of this, you've used past tense verbs. I'd probably change these sentences:
We found that we can look up and download all kinds of music available for our listening pleasure. We talked about how music brings meaning to life and soothes the soul.
Perhaps:
We found that we could look up and download all kinds of music available for our listening pleasure. We talked about how music brought meaning to life and soothed the soul.
These are fine words that any son would love hearing from his mom.
Suggestion:
Trying not to laugh as you screamed bloody murder the first time you walked barefoot in the grass, the first time you met Santa, the first time you touch a dog.
Since most of this is past tense, you need "touched a dog."
Fantastic story. One that every married person, whether husband or wife, can certainly understand. Indeed, as the story unraveled, it was easy to predict the next step. (Like not looking at the instruction manual. e:smile}) Still, it was a story that had to be - finally - written. Hmmm. Perhaps I should sent it to my hubby to read?
I loved this. So many write about love and lost love. But this was quite different. I loved the imagery. As one who has experienced divorce, this made absolute sense. It's someone one can wish one created.
This is a wonderful speech. I hope you have the opportunity to give it to numerous groups of black young men.
I never have understood why people don't help each other get ahead more. My sister is a Vice President for a large international company. When I've asked her why she hasn't mentored other women over the years, her response was that "women don't want mentors."
Categorizing individuals collectively like that is always wrong, whether it is done by race or gender or whatever. Of course there are women who want mentors!
Zig Ziglar says that each of us already has a portion of everything needed to be successful: assertiveness, kindness, a caring spirit, commitment, competency, confidence, consistency, creativity, dependability, energy, etc. Developing those traits that we already have is the key.
And I learned long ago - that both in business and in family matters - that treating people as if they already are creative, dependable, honest, hard-working, and enthusiastic is the key to helping them become even of these things.
Thanks for sharing this with us, but especially with the young black men.
What a story. Well...sure, it could have happened that way.
Some suggestions:
that tried there had and business. Not sure what this should say. Perhaps...tried their hand at business?
The local people would bring their whole family whole families
We loved the ride to the fair it was the only time of the year when chores were set aside and the family would spend time together, although Lee and I were spending more time away from the folks as we got older, we still loved the trip. This should be more than one sentence, or use a semi-colon.
Dad always told the story of when he used to work on the train there was a small canyon they would steam through slowly and shoot rattlesnakes until the stench of the rotting animals would make you sick. More than one sentence, or a semi-colon is needed.
The big finale of the week was the dance, Sunday night they lit up a huge old barn with gas lamps and candles and had musicians up on the stage. More than one sentence or semi-colon.
Lee and I watched, not thinking much about what we had done the night before, not feeling to good either, I had thrown up once early in the night not enjoying the rocking of the wagon with that clear liquid rolling around in my throbbing head. Another long sentence that should be changed as above. Also, it should be "not feeling too good..."
Welcome to Writing.com. There's nothing to fear here. There are some who will be brutal in reviews and others who will be kinder. But...if you're ever planning on submitting your writings, you do have to get used to rejections. Everyone gets them.
For some reason, these lines spoke to me:
I hope to quiet that nagging fear
And simply get on
With my writing career.
What a story. I'll probably remember this one the next time I have spaghetti and garlic bread.
Some suggestions:
My best friends mom My best friend's mom
It was too late to leave my hiding spot know It was too late to leave my hiding spot now... Although that sounds a bit odd, since you're using past tense - was - using now doesn't seem quite right. You could do without it.
I never thought about what my shadow might be thinking or doing.
Love the title. (Reminded me of Peter Pan and Wendy, of course.) Sometimes after reading a good title and what goes with it, I like to think of other titles that might also fit. Like: Trampled Again, Always Under Foot, I'm Mocking You, The Shadow Knows.
I liked that the shadow could be a reason why one wakes. Never thought about that.
Howdy there, Tbird. It appears that you've just arrived among us and posted your first writing. As a baby boomer, I enjoyed this one. My hubby and I were just talking about skate keys the other night, and how we wore those crazy skates around everywhere.
Some suggestions:
1) There are a few places where you're missing commas. I'd go back over this, and put some in where you'd take a breath.
2) It would be easier to read with spaces between paragraphs.
This is a fantastic survey, Lexi. What a challenge you've taken on here. But in the end, you'll have a great list of love songs, eh?
As I commented on the survey itself, there might be more songs I would have wanted included. But right now, I have waaaaaaaaaaaaay too many love songs bouncing around in my mind to think about it.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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that she didn't score better than a 14 in happiness, though. Hmmm. 
Seriously. I think these are rather wise words.
