What a great story. I think it touched me because I lived with my parents for a year and saw how hard it was for Mom to take care of Dad. After Dad died last August, Mom's memory seemed to disappear in an instant.
There are some things I would suggest:
1) Although I like the color you used, it is a bit difficult to read on the page.
2) There are some places where you've changed verb tenses.
3) And there are a few misspellings. Spell check might take care of that, or a more thorough proofreading/editing.
I heard a comment during the controversy about whether or not retailers should allow employees to say, "Merry Christmas" or force them to say, "Happy Holidays." This person said, "It's not the retailers' jobs to keep Christ in Christmas. Their only interest is in how much money they'll make."
As your poem says, it's our job to teach our families about the true meaning of Christmas.
Good word choices and questions. They are probably question we all have, thus the poem should appeal to the masses.
I did wonder about the use of "standstill." My dictionary says it's a noun, but in the poem you don't seem to using it as such. I think the question should be, "would the world stand still?"
Thanks for showing us an honest look at you. I think many - young and old - want more than they receive at Christmas. And those among us that have rich relatives don't understand why they can't be more generous.
Suggestion: This sentence doesn't need "not" in it twice.
I was able to purchase a gift for all of the guests and they were not, for the most part, not just trinkets.
Perhaps:
I was able to purchase a gift for each guest, usually more than just a trinket. Or some such...
Ah, the ponderings, the dreams and nightmares of a writer...
You've expressed well what some of those nightmares can be. Papering one's walls with rejection slips isn't such a bad thing.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"Writers capture the things that go unnoticed by others. They trap furtive truths. They pull them from the dim corners where they would prefer to hide. They bring them into the light, catch them in mid-flight."- Susan Shaughnessy
Excellent. Letting your daughter know that she deserves this kind of man is important. Teaching her that she should be that kind of wife and mother is as well, since a man of this caliber deserves a woman equally loving and kind.
If we all showed this much interest in our kids, perhaps there wouldn't be so many problems?
Good job. Thanks for the reminder...that miracles do happen.
Another reviewer took quite a bit of time to point out some suggestions. For the most part, I agree with them. But, where you have "Walter and me", it is correct. That reviewer forgot the easy way to check this. Just take out "Walter and" to see if the sentence needs "I" or "me."
Thanks for letting us see this part of your life. You've written about it well.
I would suggest that - just for easier reading for us older folks - you put spaces between paragraphs.
The world was once simpler, wasn't it? I don't recall needing anything from my parents, except their total income, when applying for college and loans and scholarships.
I love your contest idea. You've explained it well and the rules should be easy to follow. I'm tucking this one into my favorites file. I probably won't have time to enter, but I do want to see what entries you get.
Beautiful words, MarysTears. Your faith shines through, your rhythm is consistent, and your rhymes are not forced.
Normally, I don't offer lots of suggestions for changes in poetry. To me, poetry is a very personal thing, and that's especially true when one is writing about one's relationship to God. That being said, I do think this would sound much better as, "The One who makes me whole."
Welcome to Writing.com. We're glad you're here!
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
Great job! The links you provided in this one will certainly be valuable tools to anyone interested in learning more about Asperger's. That British teen's site is wonderful.
Excellent job of informing about Asperger's. Indeed, it is not easy to take care of someone with Asperger's. At least now there is some information available and there are some professionals who seem to be informed. When my son was little, it was assumed that I was just an over-reactive mom.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
Explaining My Son (ASR) Living with Asperger's Syndrome. Yes, it can be done. Diagnosis helps. #701941 by Kenzie
Great story! The descriptions were great, as was the emotion. You really got us feeling sorry for this character. And then that ending? What a surprise. In a few short words, you said a bunch.
I did notice that you had a typo: om Acorn Street instead of on.
Well said, Viv. This description surely hit home with me:
At times, my skin hurts so much that a sheet brushing my legs or arms brings me out of bed to escape. I feel as if my skin is on fire while tiny needles stick into me everywhere. That description isn’t exactly correct, but it’s as close as I can get to the real thing.
I did notice this: Some times I don’t have a choice. Sometimes
"But when he would see a woman, he will be nice and enthralling as long as she laughed at his kooky jokes. The moment she starts doubting him, he would become the hell’s angel on Harley showing his true colors."
Your story is writen in past tense, and to keep that up, these sentences should be:
But when he saw a woman, he acted nice and enthralling as long as she laughed at his kooky jokes. The moment she doubted him, he became the hell’s angel on Harley showing his true colors.
Wow, what a story. I was glued to the screen once I started to read...and couldn't stop. If there were any typos or other mistakes, they weren't obvious enough to make me slow down while I was reading.
I wish stories like this were beyond our real world. But they're not.
Good writing and an excellent message. I'm glad this one was featured in the spiritual newsletter.
I particularly liked your ending:
"But mostly I’ll be grateful for a lesson that took 46 years and lots of wasted time spent whining to learn…every day we live, every person we encounter, every situation we face, no matter how foreboding, offers us the opportunity for joy. We just have to decide to find our exclamation point."
Good for you. The lesson, I mean. Good poem too, though. Good rhythm and rhyme. There were a few lines that might be "tweaked" to have perfect flow, but the great message makes up for that.
Alcoholism runs in my family, so I guess I can relate...
Blessings,
Kenzie
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