Very well laid out with the additional value of poll results. Personally; I can't believe that that cheesy musical episode won out over Buffy's ultimate sacrifice for her sister, friends, and all of humanity paid for by the blood of the slayer in the episode "The Gift" wow! That's pretty shocking. however; this was still fun.
-Kevin82
Very nice, I liked the message, color scheme, and layout. I thought that this was well planned and thought out. The color scheme alone reminds me that I still have a lot to learn on this site and in the world of writing. Well done.
-Kevin82
Jane-
I liked this, let me explain:
The first line was an excellent use of visual imagery, very sensual, very sexy!
Nice use of internal dialogue. Nice use of tools: sight, sound, touch, feel -- suggestion add smell. Nice use of a dramatic hook at the end. Suggestion this could be an extremely good short story, novel, and/ or novella by making your protagonist (main character) pre-cognitive….very young like a teenager and the visitor at the swing, in her mind, a man who wants to kill her, stalking her at school yet, no one believes her until, she has to save herself. You could add a hero figure a boy at her school that she likes who happens to witness the final abduction and follows her, eventually and ultimately saves, and falls in love with her combining a wide arrangement of mixed genres, just a suggestion.
Hope I helped, somewhat.
-Kevin82
Cissy-
Thanks, for sharing and welcome to writing.com. I hope that you are able to find this a safe and quiet place where you can feel some comfort. This piece needs a little work as far as some small editing, maybe some added comma's here and there. I think that this would be a great story; maybe, just a suggestion, but try to tell this story from an camera over the shoulder view point to include a description of characters, pain, and the room where you hide from the pain.
Nice to meet you and be happy to help with your story.
-Kevin82
StoryMistress-
First off...I can not believe that I never reviewed this before. This is an essential port for all new members to introduce themselves, get acquainted with the site, meet new people w/ like interests, and generally take the edge off of a feeling that most people have whenever they are the new member. I used this when I was new and frequently visit searching for that newbees story that is unique and freash.
-Cutter29
Jessica-
This was a very emotional piece with a tragic plot twist towards the ending. The Author decided to write this in the third person from the viewpoint of Lorena and Mama. It is my opinion since you are using third person to have shown the actual battle, leaving us wondering if Darrell did indeed die, the suspense would still be there. I guess I just love a good action sequence.
Thank you,
Kevin82
I have in my lifetime visited Gettysburg three times: once as a small child, the second time as a Platoon Sergeant, as part of an NCO course, and the third time with my Father on a day off. I have never seen a reenactment, either. I hear that they are very good.
Now, that I have read:
Lost Triumph
By: Tom Carhart
Copyright 2005 by G.P. Putnam's Sons
I have to go back and re-look at this battle through General Lee's Eyes, let me explain.
Mr. Carhart's theory is that Gen. Lee was too good of a tactician to have relied wholly on Pickett's Charge to split the Union line and he contends that Gen. Stuart was sent around the Union right flank to sweep in behind Culp's Hill to take the Union from the rear with six thousand Confederate cavalry and mounted Infantry only to be stopped by Col. Custer at the time a Union Cavalry officer.
I liked your story and am very interested in The Civil War and The history of Germany. So I will return and see what else you have.
Edit Note:
The weather was the exact opposite—damp and rainy. That did not (affect) my fun, however.
Item # 1) it may also be helpful to have your readers try to follow along w/ the script or screenplay. A lot of these are available online, free of charge, especially some movies that are a little older. This also goes for T.V.; however, not everyone owns seasons.
Item # 6) I agree totally, I lose interest in a lot of he said, she said. Actually, it is unnecessary if there are only two characters talking or you have defined your characters with different sounding dialogue. Both, Thomas Harris (The Silence of the Lambs) and Kathy Reich’s of TV’s “Bones” and her own Novels do not add dialogue tags; unless, there is a lot of characters in the scene like an autopsy.
Thank you!
-Kevin82
Write2live-
I liked this story, but still no action scenes besides the torture.
The layout, editing, and paragraph organization use was excellent. I thought that you did a great job using imagery and an excellent use of emotion covering a very wide range of human emotions. Your dialogue and characterization for Audrey & Jack was some of the best I’ve seen from you so far.
You used three of the six senses that kept me deep into the story from start to finish: sight, sound, and touch you could have used taste at the diner.
I found only one area that needs your attention.
Jack, along with Bill Buchanan and Karen Hayes, was standing next to the stairs leading to Bill’s second-floor office, and even from across the room I could see (?) my his angry scowl. I tiptoed, as much as my numb and shaking legs would allow, towards them.
Please, let me know if I can help you in anyway with an action scene.
Again, this was another excellent story I’m really enjoying this.
-Kevin82
Write2Live386-
Very good story, very well written, editing & layout was excellent. It did lack action, but was dramatic. You should add some typical action scenes that are expected with a fanfic of "24".
The dialogue I found was very good and you captured the human part of Jack that is displayed periodically in the show. He is a hero, but he is also human.
You had some story discrepancy's that you should be aware of, these have nothing to do with the rating I give, I found three:
First of all as a father the first and foremost thing on his mind would be the well being of his daughter, you never mentioned Kim in the conversation with Michelle.
Second, in the show there were only four people aware of Jack's faked death: President Palmer, Chloe, Michelle, and Tony. Secretary Heller & Bill Buchanan were unaware.
Third no matter what Police department in the United States May-berry or New York it takes at least four months to train a Patrolman, not days.
I love your writing and hope that I was not too picky and my only intent is to point out items that you may have not seen. I look forward to reviewing your other stories. If you place all of your "24" stories in a single folder I'll decorate it for you.
Thanks for the story.
-Kevin82
Kris-
Okay...Wow, very deep emotions, excellent use of imagery expressed in the fewest words possible. Very dark...I could see and feel everything. I can't wait to see a fiction story from you. Good job! obviously I'm not the only one here that thinks so.
-Kevin82
This is an interesting piece with a lot of hidden meaning. The most resonant meaning is that everything has a purpose; whether, you understand it or not. Everything has value; whether, it means anything to you or not. The bench possessed meaning and purpose to the Animals, the Children, the Teachers, and the Parents.
Possibly the beginning of the very first Parent & Teacher Association aka PTA. When the bench was altered and lost meaning for the parents it never lost meaning or purpose to the children. However, it would be nice to add the third prong to the Trident, the Teacher.
-Kevin82
Katrina-
Wow, speaks volumes of what it is like to be that new student who is a little different, and that no one wants to be the one to make a new friend. It leaves me with the feeling of an outcast...not one of the plastic people. Ref-movie-"Mean Girls".
-Kevin82
Katrina-
I really don't know a lot about poetry. I mostly read and write fiction, but the flow was smooth and the Author makes good use of imagery & emotion.
This piece was very good!
Thank you! I would like to see what you have in the way of fiction.
-Kevin82
This is an excellent colection of poetry with a broade range of subjects. This Author uses a combination of imagery, emotion, and topics; writing in a way that is easily understandable to those that are weak in the subject of poetry making reading very enjoyable.
-Kevin82
EMStilson-
This one also was very good! The theme being alone in a crowd. Focusing on thoughts, dreams, and voices.
Very good imagery almost everyone can relate to this feeling.
-kevin82
EMStilson-
I will remind you that I know nothing about poetry.
However, I found this very emotional as the subject comes full circle in life, crying about everything and anything, likened to a newborn. The pain of age compared with the pain of growth. I liked this and one day I will find out what this poetry thing is all about.
-Kevin82
Reviewed by- Kevin D. Cottrell, a.k.a. kevin82 Read: 2-24-06 Rated: 4.5 Title: It was my fault Author: NicolaXoX Genre: Tragedy :: Emotional :: Death Type: Short Story
--Feedback--
Note: The purpose of the following observations, corrections, and suggestions is to help the Author and attempt to point out the strengths and weaknesses of the piece. It is not my intention to belittle or discourage the Author who was good enough to let me read it.
The following editing corrections will be in parenthesis ( ).
Editing Notes: I apologised, (apologized) over and over, but she wouldn’t hear it.
Layout: paragraphs and dialogue are separated nicely making for an easy read.
Plot: The voices in a mans head attempt to drive him mad.
Point of View: 1st person, narrator
Protagonist: Tormented man
Antagonist: The voice
Concept: A man commits adultery and pays the ultimate price.
Clarity: The concept and story line were very clear to me.
Imagery: vivid, the voice and actions of the tormented man were very real to me.
Scene: This Author uses imagery and dialogue to set the scene.
Setting: The Tormented mans home
Detail: mostly inner detail, his mind.
Fighting/Action Sequences: The last scene was very exciting.
Flow: smooth, even
Pace: fast
Senses: sight, sound, touch,
Dialogue: Excellent
Character Development: It was very clear that this man was tormented, it is easy to see under the circumstances how he became that way.
Emotion: fear, guilt, pain, hate, despair,
Overall Feeling: Very good, interesting you handled the emotion and torment very well. I left out notes on description; because, most of the story took place in his mind.
Suggestions: None, other than considering a longer version maybe a Novella, but as a short story it was unique and very well done.
Reviewed by- Kevin D. Cottrell, a.k.a. kevin82 Read: 2-17-06 Rated: 4.5 Title: The Chase Author: Lil Padawan Genre: Action/Adventure :: Crime/Gangster :: Detective Type: Short Story
Note to Author: Nick, congratulations on posting your first piece you are now a registered Author. We’ll make this a learning experience; So, I’ll try and explain as I go at what I’m looking for and what it means.
--Feedback--
Note: The purpose of the following observations, corrections, and suggestions is to help the Author and attempt to point out the strengths and weaknesses of the piece. It is not my intention to belittle or discourage the Author who was good enough to let me read it.
The following editing corrections will be in parenthesis ( ).
Editing Notes: I found no errors
Spelling & Grammar: I found no errors
Layout: All paragraphs and dialogue are separated by two spaces making it easy for the reader.
Plot: Alex Black and Jason Green are in a high speed pursuit with a dangerous felon. (A plot is a goal that the hero’s must solve in the story and conflict is what is preventing them from reaching that goal; usually, by the antagonist, the bad guy.
Structure: Excellent, you may not know this, but you followed a major rule in the structure of this story. You introduced your main characters in the first couple of lines with action as a hook to catch the interest of your readers, very impressive. Also, your use of what is called a cliffhanger at the end; this is to make the reader want more and it succeeded.
Point of View: Third person (Think of a Point of View as a camera would be during the filming of a movie, 3rd person is a point of view off the shoulder of the hero or heroes.)
Protagonist: Alex Black & Jason Green (The two Hero’s of the story.)
Antagonist: Ezekiel Jackson (The bad guy).
Concept: This is the story of two young men, friends caught up in a life or death high speed chase.
Description- This is where you would describe your characters, the purpose is to bring the reader more into the world that you created. Nice description of the neighborhood!!
Scene: This author uses dialogue and fast paced action to successful set the scene.
Fighting/Action Sequences: Excellent, it was very real for me and I’m a lover of great action scenes. You will find out that not a lot of people place a lot of effort on there action scenes. Great Job!
Flow: Smooth and Even. (This is how the story flows, kind of like music your story should be smooth and even which makes an easy read.
Pace: Fast (Your pace was fast from the first line to the last not giving the reader time to breath, readers love this!!)
Dialogue: Excellent, it showed excitement and fear and kept the tension high making this a lot of fun.
Character Development: Alex and Jason have a clear caring attitude towards each other, this was done very well; usually, the bond that your characters feel will rub off on your readers.
Overall Feeling: I loved it! This was fast paced action with high tension I thought that you did a great job! This is an easy 5.0 with a little description of Alex and Jason and a reason why Ezekiel wants to kill them.
Suggestions: This is where I try to give you suggestions about the story to make it better, but they are only suggestions. Spend a sentence or two and tell us what your main characters look like. Insert a reason that this all started we came in after the guys were being chased, but why!
Shattered Angel-
Layout- Excellent a lot of time and preparation went into the preparation of this piece.
Helpful- I wish this was available to me when I first started here at writing.com.
Detailed- This covered all aspects of reviewing poetry, stories, essays, and articles. Further covered the different aspects of the fiction and non-fiction craft.
Links- to additional educational items for the use of veterans and new personal alike.
I thought that this was well done and may replace the original article about reviewing on this site. Which is why I've decided to sponsor this item, now.
-Kevin82
Kim-Marie-
Wow, 43% less than expected I don't know what to say about that. My email is empty sometimes, but I take that time to go back through what I've already written or work new idea's. There are certain tricks to getting your work read and according to this half of your poll takers have no idea how to do this. I really liked this one too.
-kevin82
Kim-Marie-
Yes, not only do I rate everything that I read I review them as well. All short stories and Novel chapters get a detailed review. Since, I am not a member of a review forum I pick what I rate/ review.
I honestly can't stand poetry (total, lack of understanding) and I do not read Erotica. However, I try to read a lot of different genres mostly the ones that benefit me and the writing I like to do.
This was very interesting!!
-kevin82
Dragon Believer-
Your skill at fundraiseing is unmatched.
The "Port Raid Raffle", "Upgrade Raffle", and the "Charity Fund Raiser" are the best organised fundraiseing efforts that I've seen to date on this site. Extremely well thought out and fine tune organised with an Army of reviewers (SFWG) to back up your claims, I know this first hand.
-kevin82
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