FIRST IMPRESSION: This chapter is from book three of the Sci-Fi, Circulating story. The chapter is very long...98.00 kb, so this review will be somewhat long as well.
THOUGHTS: I am thrilled to read book three of your exciting story. I remember how wonderful it was to receive book one in the mail, and then later to read book two. Book three, so far, has not been a disappointment at all.
I know that your books have the potential to be the next 'Twilight', or one of those other big hits.
ERRORS: I didn't find any errors in your story. It might stand perfectly as it is, but I will add lots of 'suggestions' of things that I would write differently.
FAVORITE PARTS: This chapter starts well, with the setting for the beginning of book three. I like how, for example, it is mentioned that Elisha is sharing an apartment with her boyfriend, Mike, and her cousin, Jenny. There is no confusion in where anyone is, or what's going on in the story right from the start.
I think that beginning the chapter with the mystery of Elisha's dreams adds to the suspenseful 'hook' of the story.
I really like how you did such a good job in 're-introducing' your characters, as in this example: “You go out and say hallo to your father and brother and Patrice and the baby.” Aunt Gab said." I noticed that you did that throughout the chapter. It's a good memory refresher as your readers go from one book to the next.
Eventually the time came for us to eat the delicious Roast Lamb, Tina and Aunt Gab made. Oooh! Roast lamb, roast potato...You made their feast sound so yummy!
“I thought I’d be doing Mike a favour this way. I bet it’s going to be the only time we see our angry little feminist walk down an aisle in a long dress.” Tina made a jab at me. LOL That's a funny line! I love the way that you casually add humor to your story. It's makes your readers really understand the characters, and get close to the story.
We played cricket up until 6 PM before we left back to Aunt Gabby’s. It was fun to read how cricket is played, and it was even more exciting to read when there were supernatural powers involved in the game. Your descriptions, such as during the game-play, are fantastic!
I stared back at her, trying to drink in this image of her, where she’s young, she’s healthy, and she’s with me.
Mum smiled at me. “That’s the Elisha Grace Baker I knew I would raise some day.” This chilling dream is just one way that you keep your chapter really interesting.
“Come to the Medical Library. I’ve found something interesting.” Xavier said ecstatically. “It’s something that you’ll find VERY interesting, I promise you.” I really like how your chapter jumps from one exciting adventure into another. There is nothing dull here.
I enjoy reading whenever you write phase descriptions, like here: My body’s flesh dissolved into particles of light, as I turned ghost like, before disappearing completely.
A tease for an exciting next adventure makes your story irresistible to put down, like here: “Hell yeah. Of course I’m curious. Especially about the name Dystar.” I agreed.
“Then let’s make this our new investigation.” Xavier stated.
I thought it was a terrific idea to give updates about the characters during your chapter, as here in this example: Nelson and Zack, both graduated and moved on from University, now spent the majority of their time at Circulate HQ or in different places and parts in Earth’s history. I really didn't feel 'lost' at all anywhere in this chapter.
LOL more fun humor from Jarrod: “Alright.” He raised his eyebrows, putting his hands in his pockets again. He looked me over once again. “Either you’re dressed for an Australian summer, or you have suddenly become impervious to English winters.” You seem to be able to do this effortlessly.
Your story flows smoothly, as when Elisha bumped into Jarrod, told Xavier about it, and then phased to Lucas's office. It's always exciting to read when Elisha uses her abilities.
...And, wow, things really got interesting when Lucas told Elisha all about the mysterious Dr. Dystar. There is a lot of creativity in your story.
Toward the end of this chapter, you really went heavy on the hi-tech sci-fi. I really liked the way you added scientifically technical specifics to your story, in a way that is first explained in what Elisha teasingly described as 'quantas', and then explained it in an easier way.
You ended this chapter smoothly with a nice conclusion. I enjoyed reading it, and I'm looking forward to reading on.
SUGGESTIONS: You wrote: “Well if this isn’t the stove calling the kettle black.” I only heard this saying once in my life other than here. It was said on the TV show, The Apprentice. The woman it was said to, apparently never heard it before either. She thought it was a racial comment and it turned into an argument.
...But you used that saying twice in the same chapter. I think the second time, maybe Mike should instead say something like, "Let's see you practice what you preach". ...Or something like, "Well, if this isn't the stove calling the kettle black... Mike called back teasing with my line from earlier."
I don't under stand this line: “Ha ha! Your older cousin is a Cadbury’s!” I like to think that I've become more 'worldly' in the past few years, and caught on to the lingo of other countries, but now and then I come across something that I just don't get. Maybe you can say that line, and then add one more line of explanation...like: “Ha ha! Your older cousin is a Cadbury’s! Give her a piece of chocolate and she'll zone out for hours!"
Here you wrote: “Alright, that’s enough. I had the broad first. Hand her back now.” Mike said jokingly to Shane." Why would Mike refer to a two your old as a 'broad', especially after shane just called her a princess. Something like 'the little lady' or 'her highness' might fit better.
Here you wrote: “Talk to Tony Blair and try to get Australia some more trade agreements or something, would you?” I giggled, and then I hung up the phone. The mention of Tony Blair might 'date' your work, though that doesn't really matter much...just thought I'd mention it though.
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