*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mhicks/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8
Review Requests: OFF
1,870 Public Reviews Given
2,757 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I give honest and friendly reviews. I try to be as helpful as I can.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, fantasy, adventure, comedy
Favorite Item Types
short stories, poems, activities, images
I will not review...
I will review up to 18 content ratings.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 4 5 6 7 -8- 9 10 11 12 13 ... Next
176
176
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Thumbsup*Reviewed by Maryann *Thumbsup*


*Star*This review contains some of my brief thoughts about your item.

*Exclaim* Wow, Gervic! Your cNote shop is awesome! I just added it to my favorites! *Delight*

With this all occasion shop, I can send a person a cNote and a gift all at the same time!

By the way..There's only one 's' in occasion...You have two in your brief introduction.

I like having the ability to send a cNote, and then the person will get a gift certificate right inside to an image shop! That's great! I have a feeling I'll be back here often.

The colors of your cNotes are pretty, and the choices are nice, too. You thought up a great variety. I feel that you really have most of the main ones here. ...Happy Birthday...Happy Anniversary...Get Well...A few just to pop in...Just to name some of them. I think I like the cat one the best. *Delight*

Nice work in putting this amazing and unique shop together. *Smile*

*Balloon2**Balloon3*-Write on!*Balloon4**Balloon5*


WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann


Shared image for members to use
177
177
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Thumbsup*Reviewed by Maryann *Thumbsup*


*Note4* FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a funny animal story about a party gone wrong!

*Exclaim* THOUGHTS: Hi Captain Nixie! LOL Well, that was a 40th birthday to remember! I loved this really funny story. I guess if it had truly happened in real life, the party disaster wouldn't have been funny...Until many years later when people were talking about 'old times', but it was a fun 'party raid themed' item for me to review. *Delight*

*Star*FAVORITE PART: I loved the cat's thoughts..."What's the problem? The place looks great, and the cheesecake was awesome." That summed up the whole experience well! *Laugh*

You did a great job with the ending. The whole story built up to the party. I knew something wild would happen, but you didn't hold anything back! The punch bowl even spilled over onto the white sofa! ...And someone twisted their ankle, needing to go to the emergency room! We'll have to hide your story from people who are thinking about getting a kitten!

I liked the characters which you thought up. The family seemed typical. I thought the adolescent boy entranced with his iPad was hilarious!

Also, I absolutely loved your cover image. I would put that inside under the story as well. It's really awesome, and it's probably what drew me to the story in the first place.

*Idea*SUGGESTIONS: I would quickly change that, 'Dr. Spock' reference before a Trekker sees it! *Shock*
It should simply be, 'Spock'.

You wrote, "Nora and me..." at one point. Would it be more correct to say, Nora and I? ...Or, maybe since the narrator is only a teen, she might talk that way. The rest of her words made her seem like a pretty intelligent teen.

*Balloon2**Balloon3*-Write on!*Balloon4**Balloon5*


*Partyhatp**Giftt*REVIEW RAID PARTY*Partyhatp**Giftt*


WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann


Shared image for members to use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
178
178
Review of Unconditional  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Sun**Rainbowl**Rainbowr**Gold*

*Note4*I AM REVIEWING YOUR STORY AS A JUDGE FOR "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . THANKS FOR ENTERING!

*Star*This review is an acknowledgment of your contest entry, as well as some of my brief thoughts.

*Exclaim*You succeeded in writing an intense beginning. I couldn't guess what was the matter with Jen until it was told toward the end of the scene, but I could feel the urgency when Rodney left the car idling and ran into the emergency room. I thought you did a good job of casually giving your readers the names of the characters.

I could feel Jen's emotional sadness in the second scene, though I thought the use of words like 'cockroaches' and 'maggots' was a bit much. I think I would have preferred references like, 'lifeless sea', or 'empty well', a bit better.

By the next scene, I really hated Rodney myself. You wrote your story in a believable way, so I wondered why Rodney let his wife get so far gone that she had to go on drugs. Not only that, but he didn't even notice until it was too late. When he did find out, he didn't try to get her help. I was glad that the character got herself help at the end of your well-written story.

When the nurse handed him some paper towels, you wrote: “Here, try wipe some of it off.” I thought you meant to write: ...try to wipe...

Great story! Very captivating! *Smile*

*Balloon2**Balloon3*-Write on!*Balloon4**Balloon5*


Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  [ASR]
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support


This sig shines


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
179
179
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun**Rainbowl**Rainbowr**Gold*

*Note4*I AM REVIEWING YOUR STORY AS A JUDGE FOR "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . THANKS FOR ENTERING!

*Star*This review is an acknowledgment of your contest entry, as well as some of my brief thoughts.

*Exclaim* I could feel the tender emotion in your tragic story.

I felt that you succeeded in giving your story a realistic and believable feel, with lines like: "Rosa's arms were so bruised from all the blood that had to be taken every day." What an awful thing for a person to go through!

I thought it was a nice touch to also express what Rosa's family was going through. Your character, Bill, was a dear and loving husband and father, who took care of the cooking, cleaning, and washing. He and Rosa's children and grandchildren all gave her emotional support.

Two of my favorite lines were: "The intense moments following the explanation of what is to be expect required a lot of tissues." ...And "When they got to the hospital that Friday morning it was as though a national news flash went out all over town about her having cancer because when they approached the lobby there was a sea of family and friends that were standing there before them to pray and be there for support." I enjoyed your creative ideas!

"Miracle from God", was a great theme for your story. Your readers would know right from the time that the lights flickered in the church, that it was hinted that God had something to do with Rosa's recovery.

The recovery, by the way, was such a wonderful ending to your touching story. Nice work in thinking this one up!

I noticed just a few small things that I might point out for your consideration...

You seemed to switch back and forth between tenses. Here is just one example: "It was a beautiful spring day when the phone call came in. Rosa answers the call." That would read better as: It was a beautiful spring day when the phone call came in. Rosa answered the call. I would suggest that you choose one tense and stick to it.

In the first paragraph, 'cancer', does not need to be capitalized.

Also, the first paragraph is your 'hook' to keep your readers interested, yet, I felt that the sentences there were the weakest. I would suggest combining a few of them, as in this example: " It was the doctors office calling about the test results she had taken last week. The news was not good." I would suggest changing that to something like: It was the doctors office calling about the test results she had taken last week, and the news was not good.

There are quotations missing in your third paragraph.

Toward the end, you mentioned that Rosa had been out with her younger daughter shopping for fabrics, 'of course'. I didn't get that. It would have made more sense if it were something like: ...shopping for fabrics, of course, because that was the hobby which they both enjoyed.

*Balloon2**Balloon3*-Write on!*Balloon4**Balloon5*


Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  [ASR]
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support


This sig shines


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
180
180
Review of Going Home  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Sun**Rainbowl**Rainbowr**Gold*

*Note4*I AM REVIEWING YOUR STORY AS A JUDGE FOR "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . THANKS FOR ENTERING!

*Star*This review is an acknowledgment of your contest entry, as well as some of my brief thoughts.

*Exclaim*Great work in writing a very entertaining and well written piece. I was surprised to find out that 'Going Home' in your story, meant going home to die.

I thought it was done well, and not done in a sad or morbid way. I particularly enjoyed the good humor of your main character. Ralf was in good 'spirits' from the very beginning. I liked how he was cracking jokes at the doctor's office. His conversation with the doctor seemed realistic, and it made sense as to why he started his trek back to his childhood home.

I thought you used the prompt well. I liked how you took advantage of a metal paper towel dispenser to describe Ralf from his reflection. I imagined the character to look just like the picture prompt. I also thought you were creative in coming back to the prompt at the end, when Erica was introduced.

I felt that you had many creative moments. The name of the car navigation system, for example, was very clever.

I enjoyed the quotes that you used in the story. I've always liked anything 'Dr. Seuss', and I never heard that good one from Abe Lincoln.

One of my favorite parts of your story was when Ralf drove along Main Street when he returned back home. I liked the way you wrote in things which a person might remember...Root Beer floats at Rexall's...The City Grill...It gave a quaint feel to your great story.

The surprising ending was pretty well done. Nice work.



*Balloon2**Balloon3*-Write on!*Balloon4**Balloon5*


Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  [ASR]
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support


This sig shines


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
181
181
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Sun**Rainbowl**Rainbowr**Gold*

*Note4*I AM REVIEWING YOUR STORY AS A JUDGE FOR "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . THANKS FOR ENTERING!

*Star*This review is an acknowledgment of your contest entry, as well as some of my brief thoughts.

*Exclaim* Excellent story, Nic! I truly loved this charming tale! *Delight*

I was very impressed with the really nice way that you used the prompt. All of the beginning paragraphs described the almost magical corner of Poddington and Revell. I especially enjoyed the chance meeting of Lucius and William. I felt that you did a wonderful job with the 1900s type language of the two boys. Their little story was a sweet one. I could picture the boys bumping into each other while one was playing with the wooden airplane.

All of that, was a great build up to the story about Jessica and Gordon. Those childhood sweethearts came together after so very many years, by also bumping into each other on Poddington and Revell!

I really enjoyed everything about your story...The great opening...The perfect ending...And everything in between! Nice work!

Just one little typo that I noticed...

"They would pass notes to one another....and often seeing holding hands." ...Seeing, should be 'seen'.

*Balloon2**Balloon3*-Write on!*Balloon4**Balloon5*


Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  [ASR]
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support


This sig shines


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
182
182
Review of Teddy Bear  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun**Rainbowl**Rainbowr**Gold*

*Note4*I AM REVIEWING YOUR STORY AS A JUDGE FOR "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . THANKS FOR ENTERING!

*Star*This review is an acknowledgment of your contest entry, as well as some of my brief thoughts.

*Exclaim* I felt that you wrote a really sweet story! This was truly a creative idea. My very favorite part was when little Rick told his granddad, "But I want this real teddy. Those are the fake ones. They don’t love me. I love this teddy bear and want him for all of my life.” If your story had been a movie, I think that would be an all time favorite quote! Very nice word choices there...

I also enjoyed reading about the fun times which Rick and his granddad shared together. You made it clear that the two were bonding.

I was glad that your story had a very happy ending. I thought you did a great job with the build up to the end. Your readers will think that the granddad would be leaving...Probably for good...But then they'll be pleasantly surprised at the turn of events. *Smile*

I was just a little confused at Rick's age during parts of the story. I thought you mentioned that he was a toddler, but then I read that he was studying in school, and he would be home at three. In one part of the story, Rick's dad was carrying him in the park, and then later in the story, Rick was playing chess with his granddad. I think a tot would play something like checkers or Candy Land.

Also, I couldn't tell his age from the writing. At times, he sounded like a toddler, and at other times he sounded much older. Here are two examples:
Here, Rick says: "I want to sleep more, Mama."
..And, here, Rick says: “Jeez! I almost forgot Mom!”
I would suggest to stick to one type of 'voice' for the child.

I thought you might have been missing some commas here and there throughout your story. Here is one example:
"Debbie had a loving ambience in her home with her papa, Carla and cuddly soft toys." I would add one more comma after Carla. Also in that sentence, 'ambience' should be 'ambiance'.

*Balloon2**Balloon3*-Write on!*Balloon4**Balloon5*


Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  [ASR]
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support


This sig shines


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
183
183
Review of Amazing Grace  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Sun**Rainbowl**Rainbowr**Gold*

*Note4*I AM REVIEWING YOUR STORY AS A JUDGE FOR "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . THANKS FOR ENTERING!

*Star*This review is an acknowledgment of your contest entry, as well as some of my brief thoughts.

*Exclaim* I really enjoyed your suspenseful story! It was such a creative idea to write a story about the quest to save a 'cure-all'.

While reading your story, I took a more thorough look at that picture prompt. I had to chuckle! You took care of every detail! The man did appear to be concealing something under his shirt...Perhaps that thick folder full of documents! LOL

You're story truly held my attention, and it was a pleasure to read. It could have easily been an episode from 'Chuck', or some really great spy movie!

There's just a couple of suggestions which I'd like to make. I would redo your very first paragraph. Ironically, it was the worst paragraph of your entire story. The rest of the story was beautiful! The first paragraph should be the hook, yet, I needed to read it a couple of times, and it still didn't make too much sense. He hurried toward the sidewalk flanked by organized brick columns? I'm still not too sure what you were trying to express. ...Crowds of people? You should just write, 'crowds of people'.

The other thing is the use of, 'too'. In a couple of places you wrote something like: "Too, she couldn't have arrived..." Maybe that's your dialect, but I would say, 'also'. ...Or, 'true'.

Again, those suggestions are just minor things in the general picture. Nice work. *Smile*

*Balloon2**Balloon3*-Write on!*Balloon4**Balloon5*


Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  [ASR]
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support


This sig shines


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
184
184
Review of Crash Landing  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Sun**Rainbowl**Rainbowr**Gold*

*Note4*I AM REVIEWING YOUR STORY AS A JUDGE FOR "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . THANKS FOR ENTERING!

*Star*This review is an acknowledgment of your contest entry, as well as some of my brief thoughts.

*Exclaim* I was pleased to read your different take on the picture prompt! I felt that you used the prompt well, and you figured out how to make a chilling story out of it! Nice work! *Smile*

I realized right from the start that this was going to be a sci-fi type story. What I didn't realize, was that it was going to turn out to be so scary! It was almost like a pod-people type piece.

I liked how you based the story around Linda's typical life. I thought it was sweet to have her feel guilty that she didn't take a walk with her dad, so she went out to meet him. Your readers will get the feel that Linda is a caring person, who would stop to help a distraught woman. I chuckled at the funny joke of how the 'nut-job' lady should stay away from the Syfy Channel! *Laugh*

You succeeded in expressing lots of thrilling ideas, as your story progressed. The aliens had taken over! I thought it was a nice touch to have it all start out with the unsuspecting three who had been arrested.

There are a couple of suggestions which I have.

In your first paragraph, you have Linda, 'sitting comfortably on her comfy couch..." I would change that to: ...sitting contently on her comfy couch.

In your second paragraph, you had the newscasters, waiting on the military to arrive... I would make that, waiting for the military to arrive...

*Balloon2**Balloon3*-Write on!*Balloon4**Balloon5*


Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  [ASR]
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support


This sig shines


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
185
185
Review of Final Goodbye  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Sun**Rainbowl**Rainbowr**Gold*

*Note4*I AM REVIEWING YOUR STORY AS A JUDGE FOR "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . THANKS FOR ENTERING!

*Star*This review is an acknowledgment of your contest entry, as well as some of my brief thoughts.

*Exclaim* What a beautiful story! It was terrific that you wrote one about childhood sweethearts who established a lifetime of love together! Good luck in the contest!

I liked how you took your readers through your character's life long journey, from their first date, to the death of Helena. You offered the many trials of their marriage, including their inability to produce children.

I liked this line the best: "Sam drank-in every second of her arms around him like a sponge dropped into its first bucket of water." I felt that it was almost poetic. *Delight*

I was a bit confused toward the middle, starting from here: "Those surgeons cure many problems with surgery, however, there is one thing they cannot heal as of yet." I thought it would sound better if the paragraph where her illness was mentioned had been attached.

After that, the story seemed to jump around, though I was certainly able to piece it all together...And, I enjoyed it very much! Great ideas! *Smile*

*Balloon2**Balloon3*-Write on!*Balloon4**Balloon5*


Short Shots: Official WDC Contest  [ASR]
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support


This sig shines


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
186
186
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a poem about thoroughbred race horses at their homes.

THOUGHTS: Hello again! It was really a nice surprise for you to visit my portfolio. I thought I'd repay the visit!

Gosh, you have so very many nice poems and items, that it was a difficult choice to pick one to review. I'm glad that I picked this one.

I have people in my neighborhood who ride their pretty horses daily, but I certainly don't see any race horses around here!

My husband and I watched the Kentucky Derby on TV. It was so awesome to see beautiful horses like California Chrome strut their stuff! LOL

FAVORITE PART: I enjoyed every bit of your nice poem. I could imagine being there, watching the colts graze near their mothers.

I thought your poem flowed so smoothly, and I didn't think it felt forced in any way.

The title was great, and I especially liked how you began the poem with the wondrous imagery of the country side and it's meadows.

You succeeded in expressing the beauty of these wonderful horses in each stanza. Nice work in putting this one together. *Smile*

SUGGESTIONS: Just wondering...Do you ever use pictures in your items? ...Or cover images? While your fine talented writing paints the pictures in our minds, the pretty photos could enhance to make them ever the more special. *Bigsmile*

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
187
187
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is the tale about a girl and her 'fish story'.

THOUGHTS: What an amazing tale! I was attracted to your story because I had fish as a teen. I remember that I cried so much when my angel fish died. My friends thought that was weird, but I had that fish since it was a little baby, and it grew so huge over the years. I felt badly when it passed away. I could certainly understand how you felt about Slim Shady. *Smile*

FAVORITE PART: I enjoyed the great story about how sweet your dad was to surprise you on Valentine's Day. When my daughter's were growing up, my husband always took all of us out to dinner and a movie for Valentine's Day. It was usually an Adam Sandler show! ...So, I liked hearing your story about you and your dad.

You wrote this story well. You succeeded in expressing the excitement that an eleven year old would feel as she anticipated what her surprise was during the drive home from school.

Wow! What a terrible experience it must have been to find that one fish all but ate the other! ...And, ironic that the namesake's real life people were having a feud in real life!

I had to chuckle at how your dad found humor in the situation, by making a Hannibal Lector reference!

SUGGESTIONS: Here you wrote: "He was a great pet alongside Woo." Who was, 'Woo'? You didn't mention this, Woo, in your story? I think another line is needed to explain...

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
188
188
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a travel journal written from the point of view of a cat. *Cat*

THOUGHTS: I enjoyed reading your travel journal! I also wrote a travel article about Australia, so I was very interested in reading yours.

I loved that song, and the talk about the penguins the best! Nice work in putting this book together. *Smile*

FAVORITE PART: With the exception a just a few small typos, I found this journal to be well written.

I especially enjoyed reading the Aborigine tales, and the Kookaburra song. I think Kookaburra's are one of my favorite zoo animals, and I always make sure I look for them where ever I go. The last zoo that I went to with my daughter, she pulled up a youtube video on her phone of a kookaburra 'talking'. That made the kookaburra we were standing in front of also join in! LOL

I liked how you went through different thoughts and different areas of Australia by breaking up the article into various days. I felt that you told a lot about Australia that way. I've only been to Melborne, Sydney, and the surrounding area. It was nice to read about the capital and the trivia, too.

SUGGESTIONS: In this review, I'm talking about your one book entry, but I'll also talk a little about the book heading.

In the heading, you wrote: "This is my journal of my travels iwht the CLAW Feline Global Village." You can see that you have a typo in the word, with.

Here you wrote: "Later that evening we visited Prince Buddee, the Duchess Pinkie and the lads, who are D*gs." Did you mean to write, dogs?

I was pretty confused as to why the cat was writing the article. I didn't really catch on until the end of the long entry, when you mentioned that you are a pure breed cat. That explains why you kept mentioning 'mewmie'. I didn't understand what that meant while reading. ...And I didn't know what 'CLAW Feline Global Village' was.

I think you should give a little introduction in the book heading which explains those cat references. I think I would have enjoyed the humor more, had I known from the beginning that it was a cat's point of view.

I would have understood that it was a cat writing. You might also consider putting an image of a cat in the heading. *Smile*


** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
189
189
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a poetry contest which give the writer lots of options.

THOUGHTS:Hi Lexi! *Smile* I had to smile at seeing the date that this item had been created! ...June 6th, 2003!! We're coming up to it's 11th WDC anniversary! It always makes me happy to see items which have been here for such a long time! (You and I actually became members here one month apart from each other!)

Congratulations on having four awards on this item! Obviously, you're doing something right here!

FAVORITE PART: I love the very easy to follow instructions: Pick a title, create a poem. It's so nice that you give your viewers so many titles to choose from.

The rules are also clear and simple to follow.

I really like that your heading isn't cluttered. I think it makes the visitors want to read it, rather than clicking away from it.

SUGGESTIONS: This item has been working for so very many years. I think I'll have to say, "If it's not broken, don't fix it!"

I wondered why you have a note at the bottom, which says that you're interested in getting a new header. We've had that background change so long ago, and it looks like you did get a new header. Maybe it's time to take that note off?

I love the green image, by the way. I think, if you ever feel like giving your item a new look, you might change the font to 'green', and maybe play with centering and size here and there. Remember the days when we had no size choice! *Bigsmile*

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **
190
190
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is an ode to an all-time favorite toy.

THOUGHTS: LOL I really loved this poem about the good old slinky. I don't think there's anyone anywhere who hasn't heard of the slinky toy. You did this classic item justice, by dedicating a great tribute to it. *Delight*

FAVORITE PART: I thought your poem had a really nice 'fun' tone to it. I truly enjoyed every minute. That slinky had a great adventure, indeed!

What I think impressed me the most, is that you told an entire story in your poem. You brought your readers from inside the toy store, then outside the toy store, then out on an adventure! Nice work!

My absolute favorite part, were the 'tour' of the toy store. I could imagine shelves filled with great favorites like Barbie and Ken!

SUGGESTIONS: I liked the fact that you ended the poem in a similar way to how it began. However, your first line described it as a 'red, green, and yellow slinky', and at the end you referred to it as the ' red and yellow slinky'. The difference made it seem as though it weren't the same one, or that something happened to it to change the color.

Here you wrote: "One winter's night as the clock struck four,/A window shatter, scattering glass on the floor." I think it might read better as: One winter's night as the clock struck four,/A window shattered, scattering glass on the floor.

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
191
191
Review of God is good  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is one person's expression of love for God.

THOUGHTS: Hi, Becky, and welcome to WDC. I hope you'll have lots of fun here on our wonderful site.

I could feel the strength and the confidence which you expressed in your sweet poem. Nice work in spreading the love. *Smile*

FAVORITE PART: I liked how you repeated, 'God is good', here and there in your nice poem. I thought it stressed the fact.

I also liked how you presented this poem in single lines, and how you left space in between. It gave you nice poem an airy feel, and made it pleasurable to read.

SUGGESTIONS: Ooops! You need to capitalize 'God' in your brief description.

You have awesome thoughts in your amazing poem. I did come across just a few tiny little things which you might consider changing...

Here you wrote: "Good is kind,/Good is love,/God is peace of mind," I'm sure you meant to write 'God' in the first two lines, rather than 'good'.

In this line, you have: "God loves us unconditional" I would suggest changing 'unconditional' to 'unconditionally'.

In this one, you wrote: "It like mountains on high" I would change the word, it, to the word, it's.

...And also in this similar case: "He never stop loving us," Stop, could be changed to stop's.

Nice work with putting these great thoughts together! *Angel*

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
192
192
Review of Mousie  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a cute poem, which a little mouse befriends a person. The two carry out plans and schemes together.

THOUGHTS: LOL What a funny poem! You wrote a cute one here! Many people have had a pet mouse, but the narrator of this poem came across his pet in a very unique way.

I laughed at how, in the end, the two became diabolical partners in revengeful justice!

FAVORITE PART: I loved the sweetness of your story poem. Here, we have a person who had been pestered by a stubborn mouse. After a long while, it seemed the two found a way of living together. In fact, the narrator decided to put the little mouse to work! *Laugh*

You had some really great and creative ideas in your poem for the mouse.

I loved the rhyme of your poem. It added to the fun experience of reading it. It was so 'Dr. Seuss'! Nice work in putting this one together.

My favorite part was here: "I taught her all about it/She liked cheese in a can./I wasn't being thoughtful;/Instead, I hatched a plan." I remembered that cheese in a can! I haven't seen that in years. I'll certainly think of you and your poem the next time that I come across that!

SUGGESTIONS: I think I enjoyed this poem just the way it was. I wouldn't change anything, really. ..But, why not spice it up with a bit of color, centering, and maybe an image or emotionicon? You might, for example, add something like this: *Carg*

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
193
193
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is an inspirational poem about the way a person felt after seeing the sunshine.

THOUGHTS: Hi and welcome to WDC! I hope you'll have a lot of fun here!

I enjoyed your poem about the sun. Sun can, indeed, be a great medicine!

FAVORITE PART:I loved the descriptions you wrote in this sun shiny poem. It really made me imagine the scene, where the sun was pouring in through the windows.

I thought you did a nice job with the flow of the story behind the poem. The narrator began by speaking about the sun. He then went on to mention thoughts that the person was having, and then spoke about how the sun brought about great feelings.

Your poem looked airy and easy to read. I liked the fact that you used centering and color to enhance the look. Great job!

SUGGESTIONS: I felt that your lines about picking fights and hate seemed very random and out of place in your poem. You wrote, "I wondered how I was hesitant to pick fights." I had the impression that this poem made the narrator feel good. The tone seemed upbeat and inspirational. How is it that he was thinking about picking fights. Perhaps it might read better to add one more line about how he felt that way before the sun came through the window.

I found it very difficult to see your yellow font. While I love the way you added color here and there, I really don't think the yellow works well in your poem.

I would suggest that you also make those yellow words in bold or a larger size. Or, you might simply make them in orange.

I would also add in a few emotionicons, such as a {e:sun} *Sun* or two. You could also use *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*. *Smile*

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
194
194
Review of No! No! Elmer!  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a sweet tribute to a beloved pet cat named Elmer.

THOUGHTS: Aw, the punchline at the end was so sad!! I could feel the love and adoration which you and your son felt for this cat. I was smiling through the whole tale. Then, at the end of your story, you said that you will miss him! I immediately became teary eyed. I suffered a few times from the loss of beloved pets. As one pet owner to another, I can understand the stabbing pain.

FAVORITE PART: My favorite part was when you reminisced about the time when Elmer had fun while rolling around in the mess of frozen peas, which had been scattered on the floor! You did a really nice job of describing the scene! I had no trouble at all in imagining what that was like! LOL It's funny how cats could have a million toys of their own, yet they can't resist playing with things like frozen peas or a declarative plant! My daughter has two cats. One of them loves her hair ties! She could never find them. One day, she moved her dresser to get something, and what did she discover? ...A huge pile of hidden hair ties! LOL

SUGGESTIONS: Do you have a picture of Elmer? It would top off the great tribute by showing your readers what he looked like. You might consider adding a photo at the bottom of your touching story.

One more tiny suggestion...I would stick in a comma here and there, as in this example: "Unlike humans he never lost his sense of fun."
Unlike humans, he never lost his sense of fun.

...And I would change the comma placement here, and there are two 'outs': "So I always had to watch out out because, he would pounce on my clean laundry."
So I always had to watch out, because he would pounce on my clean laundry.

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
195
195
Review of The Sun Laughed  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a story which includes theories about life on other planets.

THOUGHTS:Hi, and welcome to Writing.com! I hope you'll have lots of fun here! *Smile*

I really enjoyed your story. It gave intriguing ideas about how life could exist on other worlds, and how the people of Earth might be looking for it in the wrong places.

FAVORITE PART: I loved your opening of this story! This is my favorite line: "It laughed at all of the little people buzzing around through their little counties in their little homes on their little planet." That's a pretty good, 'hook', and it made me smile just to read it! *Bigsmile*

I also liked how you brought good closure to your story by making it end in a similar way to how it began. Nice work! *Smile*

I thought it was really creative of you to suggest the 'Hanalaadar', and other people...As you did here: They missed the planet only two solar systems away that held a people called the Hanalaadar who lived purely on the radiation from their sun... Without the genres listed, I had no idea what your story was about. I thought that maybe it was a comedy. I was pleasantly surprised to read the sci fi twist to your story.

SUGGESTIONS:Your great story would be presented better if you divided up the sentences into different paragraphs. Right now, it looks like on large block. I would suggest separating the paragraphs which you might make, to give an airy and reader friendly feeling to your story.

Right now, you have the genres listed as, 'other'. You've completed the story, so perhaps when you go back to polish it up, you might explore more of the editing options, such as the genres.

This sentence would read better with a comma after the word, sun. "Above the sun laughed."

I found a typo in this sentence: "It had seen hem spread and grown..." It should, of course, be: It had seen them spread and grown...

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
196
196
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a story about one workers experiences at a haunted historical home.

THOUGHTS: What an amazing story you have here! Gosh, weren't you afraid to be alone in a haunted place? I would imagine it might be very scary...At least in the beginning...Though you seemed to have adjusted well enough to feel comfortable with taking pictures!

FAVORITE PART: I'm so glad that I came across your story! I felt that you wrote it in a very interesting way.

I was very impressed with the amount of intelligent facts which you included in your story. Gosh, Einstein was so remarkable. The theories which he came up with are still admired today.

I was also impressed with the theories which you came up with yourself. ...Your fifth dimension development seems as awesome as some of Einstein's very own! Maybe you might write more about it in another item sometime.

SUGGESTIONS: When you get an upgraded membership here, you'll have to edit in an image or two! I'd love to see some of the pictures you took, and I'm sure your other readers will as well!

I would suggest that you go back in and edit a little bit, to connect some of your sentences. A few look like this:

"For hundreds of years physicists have worked in the great shadow of Sir Isaac Newton. He gave us a three dimensional universe that was

machine-like and worked with a mathematical clock-like precision. Then came Einstein. He made it clear that there was another dimension that had to be factored into the cosmic mix. He preferred to call this dimension the Space/Time Continuum. Others just called it the

Fourth Dimension."

Sorry for the copy/paste, but I thought that the best way to explain it would be for you to see it.

I really loved your last line. It was a great way to end it. The punctuation is wrong, though: "May the force be with us,"

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
197
197
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a supernatural story about teens who are only just finding out their good verses evil paths which will follow.

THOUGHTS:First of all, I'd like to say, Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you'll have lots of fun here!

I loved your story! I had read the James Patterson 'Angel Experiment' novels not too long ago. Your story had that same great good verses evil feel to it...With the teens unsure of what's going on with them. I hope you'll polish this one up, and continue writing. I think you have a great idea here!

FAVORITE PART: I liked the intrigue of your story, as well as the suspense of what was hinted at in the chapter.

I felt that this first chapter of yours will leave your readers interested in finding out what will happen next. I know that I wanted to find out more about these kids who just found out that some are labeled, 'Heaven', while others are labeled, 'Hell'.

SUGGESTIONS: While you did a good job of keeping track of the eleven kids...Giving them names and a small bit about them...I felt that your story was lacking more. We didn't get a glimpse as to why these kids were all assembled together. Did they live together in an orphanage, but were then adopted? Were they 'experiments' at a lab?

You have it said that they are all brother's and sister's, yet, they all seem to already have parents and families of their own. How did they learn about each other enough to knock on the one families door to all meet there? There seemed to be a lot of 'holes' in your story which you could very easily go back to fix. This will be a fantastic story with a tiny bit of editing work. *Smile*

Congratulations on your usage of WDC ML! Not too many new members attempt to use such ML as {size:3}, etc....You will have to, however, go back to edit it a bit. You left at least one link open. You will see that when you look at your item.

I'm not sure if you were trying to give the impression that your narrator speaks with lots of slang, but I found it odd that the entire chapter was like that. You might add in some narration about what is going on in the chapter, with better language.

Here are a few examples...

"I just didn’t know about anythin."

"As far as I know im fourteen and ive never knew this."

"It was raining loads more like chuckin it down..."

There are many more sentences which are missing things like, 'ing' at the end of words.

In this sentence you wrote: "I’ve came up here to get away from the noice..." You might change that to, "I came up here to get away from the noise.

I found a few of your sentences to be far too long. I would break some of them up into two or even three sentences.

Here is one example: "Then the adults came in and told us that we were all brothers and sisters, that there was another one of us (Jake), that 5 of us were born 9 months before the other 6 (and told us who was when) and told us that we are supernatural or sumthin cuz the older 5 were of the angels and the others were of the demons, they then stuck 10 pieces of paper on the door (all the same) and ran out of the room."

I'm not sure how you might want to break it up, but I would suggest something like this...

Then the adults came in and told us that we were all brothers and sisters, and that there was another one of us named Jake. They went on to say that five of us were born nine months before the other six. They gave us the names of those six, and told us that we are all supernatural, or some equivalent. Apparently, the older five were of the angels, and the others were of the demons. Mysteriously, the adults then stuck 10 similar pieces of paper on the door, and ran out of the room.

The last thing which I'd like to mention is your brief introduction. You have, "11 kids. 5 of the heavens. 6 of Hell. None of us knew until now. And EVERYTHINGS CHANGING!"

I think you might make that a bit nicer. How about something like, "There are eleven of us - Five teens of the Heavens, and Six teens of Hell." I think that might be enough to attract interest, yet not give so much of the story away. That's what the first introductory chapter would be for! *Smile*

Enjoy your story! You have a very creative idea!

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
198
198
Review of Winter Crimson  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is part of your *Dropb* Hydro Package *Dropb* from "Invalid Item" .

FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a small story, about a person's experience while enjoying a sunset on the beach.

THOUGHTS: What a beautiful story! It's about to rain here, so it was especially nice to be taken away for a while in your beach story. I liked how you ended it, with the narrator keeping the 'portrait' in her box of memories. Nice work!

FAVORITE PART: I like how you put the required contest words in color. It was easy to see, and I was impressed at how smoothly you incorporated them into the story.

You have a nice use of descriptions. The opening was especially pretty. My husband and I love to watch sunsets on the beach. The last time we saw that was from an outdoor dining table at a Mexican restaurant. You brought all of it back with your nice story setting.

I found the rest of your colorful descriptions just as pretty. I will think of you and your personal rainbow the next time when I'm on a beach! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read such a memorable story! *Smile*

SUGGESTIONS:Here are a few things which I thought you might like to consider polishing up...

I had no idea what this story was about. Your brief introduction should give a small hint. I would take out what you wrote about the contest there, and add that to the bottom of your story instead.

Also, all you have in 'genres' is 'contest entry'. I would choose two more to edit in.

Here you wrote, "The unusually cold air did not bother me as I sat upon the sand dunes." Why didn't the cold bother her? Is she a vampire? What was she wearing? I would change it to something like, The unusually cold air did not bother me through my comfy sweatshirt, as I sat upon the sand dunes.

I don't really like to read action coming before the thoughts, as in these examples...
"Scooping up a large handful of sand..."
or
"Wiping the sand away I knew then that..."

For the first example, I would change it to something like, I allowed a large handful of sand to slip playfully between my fingers, as I held it up to the enchanted sky.

That same sentence, by the way, is entirely too long. You have, "Scooping up a large handful of sand, I held it up to the sky staring as it slipped between my fingers, falling to the ground beneath or scattered by the wind, cast in the deep shadows and brilliant highlights of scarlet." Whatever you decide to do with it, I would let your beautiful words be enjoyed in two or three sentences instead of just the one.

Maybe you might write something like, I allowed a large handful of sand to slip playfully between my fingers, as I held it up to the enchanted sky. Most grains fell gracefully to the ground, with the discipline of their hourglass cousins. Others danced on the wind, creating deep shadows and highlights of scarlet.

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
199
199
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This review is part of your *Lightning* Lightning Package *Lightning* from "Invalid Item" !

FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a true ghost story! ...And it's very chilling, indeed!

THOUGHTS: Oh, what a scary tale! It sounds like a place where 'Ghost Hunters' should be sent!

I was so impressed that you kept a friendship from the second grade long enough to celebrate a sixtieth birthday and then some! You must be a terrific person to be able to keep your friends around you for a lifetime. *Heart*

FAVORITE PART: I loved how you began this story with so much intrigue! I was hooked after reading, 'A true story'! LOL
The fun lines that followed, I do believe in spooks..., set the stage of how you would stay in good 'spirits' during the tale. *Wink*

I loved the way you told this story. I felt that it was easy to follow and fun to read. For example, your description of the children's quarters, which was set up to sleep sixteen kids, was done well. I didn't stumble at all with the understanding of it.

Adding phrases like, Are you with me so far? Good., made me feel as thought I were right across the table, drinking coffee with you!

SUGGESTIONS:Okay, Carol, you asked that we really try to rip into this piece! *Laugh*
I really didn't find much to fix...You have such an interesting and beautiful way of writing...But I'll mention a few tiny things that could be changed differently, should you desire...

In the first line, you told about the types of questions you had been asked. I think I would put those questions in either {i} {/i} or " " to make them stand out from the rest. ~~Did I believe in ghosts? Why or why not?

Here you wrote: "She never once come up those stairs, and she always closed the door at the bottom." I think it might read better as, 'came up...'.

I also thought that this sentence could be rewritten, "I was never given to nonsense."

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
200
200
Review of Halloween Meeting  
Review by Maryann
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of your *Dropb* Hydro Package *Dropb* from "Invalid Item" .

FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a story about one girl's experiences with summoning a dead relative near the Somme River on the night of El Dia de los Muertos...The Day of the Dead.

THOUGHTS: I loved your story. When I began to read it, I immediately thought of the time I went to a fair in the town of Tepozlan. It was so much fun to see the many costumes, and the people all celebrating. My husband and I had gone there with a field trip while we were studying Spanish in Cuernavaca. I'm glad I clicked on your item, which allowed me to rekindle the memory!

FAVORITE PART: I loved your well-written story. I especially loved the humor you gave to the Red Baron. He humored the girl because he thought it was, 'better than the grave'. *Smile*

You did a great job with the sequence of the events in the story. The girl's distant relative and her hit it off right from the start, and they both looked forward to meeting like that every year. What a sweet and unique story! This was a creative idea, and I'm glad that I had a chance to read it. *Smile*

SUGGESTIONS: In your first paragraph, you wrote, "She's been fascinated with his life as a world war one legend..." I think this paragraph would sound better with one sentence before it, or a small change to that sentence, to give a hint as to who she hopes to meet. For example, she might write something like, "She been fascinated with the life of her Great Uncle as a world..."

We never learned the name of the girl! I think a great place to add that could be right in the very beginning. For example, here you wrote: "Tonight is my only chance she thinks... You might write, 'Tonight is my only chance, Jasmine thinks...' Giving a name, will eliminate so many of the word 'she' in your story. You would be able to alternate instead.

Here you wrote: "Dropping to her knees alittle..." 'Alittle' needs to be two words - 'a little'.

One more thought...I would totally change your brief introduction, now that the contest is over. It would be perfectly fine to include that line at the bottom of your story, but I think your potential readers might prefer to have a hint as to what your great story is about. Maybe you might instead write something like, A 'Day of the Dead' experience...

** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
621 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 25 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mhicks/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8