I like the fantasy as well as the romance elements in this piece! I also like that the girl, Angel, is not aware of the other world that surrounds her until the telling of this. It gives a very modern perspective.
This flows well, the dialogue is good and the characters believable. I hope you plan to expand on this. There is much more to tell.
Comments:
But that didn't seem *possibly.
*possible
So, you're not in league with *you father?"
*your
he relied,
replied
In the story, you mention that the dreams wouldn't occur unless one is one is in danger of losing the other. If the story is to stand alone, you will need to either expand on this or omit it.
I think there is more to this story than meets the eye. Obviously, Roger is too preoccupied to talk to the old man. Perhaps his entire life is spent in such fashion. This is something that you could explore more closely here.
Spend time with your characters, especially Roger. Let your readers get to know him so that they can relate in some way with him, otherwise when his end comes, your readers will just feel some unknown man was killed but have no sympathy for him. Give some story and background to him.
The old man we don't need to know as much about. He has a purpose in the story and it is served.
Now you have me curious. Just who are these guys? There is obviously something more going on than meets the eyes. I know there is a word limit but this may be worth going into more detail later.
I like the set up and the story itself. It flows well and keeps my interest. The characters are interesting and their is a dynamic that is going on, not only from an emotional standpoint, but a much deeper place as well.
Comments:
That led to me wondering how in the world he knew what I was thinking, it wasn’t as if I were trapped in the stupid Twilight books and he could read my mind or something.
This should be two sentences.
I like this! For those who don't appreciate fantasy, there is plenty content to move the story along without really hitting anyone over the head with it (fantasy). If a reader is a fantasy lover, there is just enough here to keep their interest as well.
Poor Janine! She put the cart way before the horse didn't she? I felt for this clueless woman and her friend.
As for Holling, there is so much more to him and his mission. Do I see a continuation in the works?
The use of the prompt was worked in here nicely. It's not just a prompt, it is a part of the story and mission.
The story flows well and I sympathized with your characters.
This is an entertaining entry! I never would have thought of the afterlife in a travel genre.
This is well written. It definitely sounds like a travel brochure, selling the consumer on the location. It is written in a manner that makes the reader want to experience such a place!
I would have loved to read more but this works on its own.
This struck home for me. I've felt stuck in a ho-hum life lately. To travel with Ralph was a treat. I love the Hemingway references. There is a hotel in Cimarron, New Mexico where I want to visit. Zane Grey wrote Caravans West there!
This is well written. I envisioned the water, islands and local flavors and color. I related with Ralph and found myself excited for him.
This is an enjoyable story! I never would have thought of a crow travelling on a boat!
I would guess you either own or closely watch birds. Your description of Ryn's movements and character seem spot on. I liked the detail on opening and closing the cabin door. Those kinds of things make a story come alive.
Scuttle creeped me out. I'm not fond of spiders.
Well written, the dialogue and description are wonderful.
I'm terrified at the thought of flying so I could easily relate.
I love that this is told in the first bovine. This makes it a fun read.
The narrative is great and perhaps a testament to good advertising (or asking for donations!).
The words, "life and death" and "important" caught my attention and my ears perked. These are not words you want to hear on an airliner dangling over the Atlantic Ocean.
I love this!
*Don't forget his latest film, Nonstop! Terror in the air!
I like how you used the briefcase as a travelling companion. While I know we writers like to keep our work close, this one takes it to
the extreme! Carrying a notebook and pen is about as close as I get to taking my writing everywhere.
I felt so sad that the narrator had cancer and that he was wrapping up his life in a neat package when that call came. How fortunate that he answered it!
I would love more detail, perhaps some of the actual writing that went into that case. I feel it would bring readers closer to your narrator.
Writers will understand but those who don't have the compulsions that we don't may not.
Comments:
Nor *where my memories that it contained.
*were
briefcase across one the other seat.
You don't need the word "one" here.
I enjoyed sharing this journey! I love seeing new places and learning about their history. In all honesty, I haven't had much chance to do that.
I love your style of writing. It brings your readers in and keeps their interest.
This flows well, the description and word choices are great. You have a colorful way with description that makes one feel they are right there.
Comments:
I remember the huge spotlights weaving across the sky as if trying to focus on some particular point in the heavens but never quite succeeding.
Love this!
They marked the entrance to the development beckoning us to come in and buy into the Great American Dream. Which my folks did.
Perhaps a comma and connect these sentences?
This is a nice twist on the genre prompt! Without the sinister twist, this could be a fun travel service to run!
This is well written. The dialogue is good and the flow is nice.
I seem to be wanting more. I'm not sure what though. While the story is self contained, I still find myself wanting to know
just how the trip goes down.
You could actually write a series of stories based on this agency! How fun!
Fun poem! I imagine the IRS would frown upon all the spending excuses along with a request to extend paying. It is a valiant try.
I can only imagine what excuses they get on a regular basis.
This is fun and the rhyme is nice. I like your word choice as well.
This story absolutely broke my heart. I understand that having children can be everything to some but Delores
is missing out on something just as important, love.
I think that using first person is perfect for this. It allows your readers to feel the pain of the narrator. It is palpable in each word. I was devastated that he chose the end that he did.
I love your use of description! Not only did it bring to life the setting but also the emotion of the husband. Your word choices are very nice!
Since you requested the review, I went more in depth than I normally do for contests.
We met in Athens, Etienne is great pilot with a plane modified for sky diving and Auguste is a rather shy, sky diving instructor extraordinaire.
Etienne is *a great pilot...
I brush my teeth with minty fresh toothpaste and hope for the best.
"with minty fresh toothpaste" is probably not needed here.
I said, “We will have a two hour delay before we can fly,” repeating Etienne's message, sensing that it might be a long difficult wait.
I said" is not needed here.
"What am I, Dolores? "Tell me."
You don't need the quotation marks before "tell."
When we reach the airport we have more coffee and silent conversation.
Perhaps silence rather than "silent conversation?"
Etienne breaks a long and rather awkward silence. “If you have your cameras ready we can take off in a little bit. I retrieve my case with two Hasselblad cameras, four lenses and two motorized backs loaded with film and take it to the plane.
Place quotation marks after "little bit."
This is well written and engaging. I felt a great deal for your characters. You have a wonderful writing style!
I really like this poem but it does need some work.
I have a soft spot for tales and songs of the seas, especially times of old. I like what you did with that here.
Watch those "I's". Remember to capitalize!
There were several rough places and at least one place with no rhyme. Read your poetry aloud. This will help you to
catch those places and correct them. It's one of the best writer's tools!
I think, with some work, this could be a good story. I like the idea of it but it needed more.
First, the prompt addresses the captain as "sir" but your captain is female. This doesn't work.
I was confused by the turn of the crew all being animals. Give your readers small hints during the course of the story if you wish
for this to remain a surprise at the end, otherwise make it clear from the beginning.
Perhaps tell the story in first person. This will allow your readers to feel the situation.
You could have gone crazy with this. Adding more suspense to keep your readers wondering what happens.
It reads choppy. Read it aloud to find where it doesn't sound quite right and play with the wording. It's work but
fun too!
I really like this! There is danger in the form of her father and his overbearing nature. There is suspense in his threats. In the end,
Liz made the right choice. Freedom beats money-based tyranny.
This is nicely written. I believed in your characters. I loathed the father while rooting for Liz.
The happy ending is a great lesson in making one's own choices.
While I don't watch The Voice (it coincides with Dancing With the Stars), I do know the premise of the show. Also I'm a huge Blake Shelton fan!
I like that you took the prompt in this direction. It's fun, engaging, and keeps the reader in suspense until the end.
Comment: when writing the song lyrics, put them in italics so that that your readers will know that is what they are, especially for those not familiar with the tune. (Good choice by the way!)
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