I like your idea and what you are trying to say here. As artists, it can be difficult to find an idea that is fresh and a voice that is
our own.
Work on this some. It doesn't always rhyme. Either keep the rhyme or make it more of a freestyle piece.
It does read roughly. A great tool in writing is to read your work aloud. This helps you to hear where the rough
spots are and what words don't quite work.
Your poetry is always fun to read! This one is no different.
I can't imagine not being able to talk. (Although I can think of a few others who would be delighted.)
In the first stanza, last line: when I think of birds, the first thing that comes to mind is singing which is certainly not voiceless.
I realize that it fits with the rhyme. Just a thought.
I like the idea behind this story. While it was appropriate for the family to be questioned, I would have loved to see the boyfriend take the stand as well.
I know there is a word count, but more sensory words and description would have added so much.
There were a few sentences where an extra word was needed or should be deleted.
Unfortunately, I have to disqualify your entry. Rules state that the prompt sentence be bolded.
You have an interesting tale here. I like the concept. More detail would help your readers feel Adam's story better. Perhaps tell it from a first person point of view.
Some sentences read choppy and some need clarification. Just some polish and you could have a really good piece.
This is well written and kept my interest throughout. Even though the man and woman remain nameless, your readers will feel a connection to them. Everyone has experienced the things the man was in some form or another.
I like the fact that the locket gave Andrew a new outlook and that he began to see it in a more personal way.
Comments: but he found himself looking at her longer and longer intervals between each time he opened and closed the locket.
This reads a little rough.
I had questions about the history behind the woman whose picture is in the locket. Were these stories flights of fancy that Andrew imagined was behind the woman's look? Were they true stories of the woman?
I would have loved to know if Andrew had the conscience to return the locket to its rightful owner.
I love the imagery that you employed. I could see the locket in all its intricate beauty. I could picture the careworn woman.
Wow! A dark story for such a light-hearted seeming prompt. Nice!
I like the story. The characters are believable and the dialogue is great. The flow is nice as well.
I know there was a word limit but I would have liked to know what happened. Did the threat turn out to be no more than chatter or did something more catastrophic happen?
The scene with the marines and Will's compassion and the need to correct the parking situation.
He picked up his messenger bag, the one she bought him for Christmas last year. He’d laughed and asked if this was supposed to be his man purse. She shrugged, “You carry it around for a while and see how you like having to carry it and everyone else’s stuff.”
Love this!
He pulled up to the security check point and after showing his badge and greeting the attendant by name. He drove to his assigned parking spot see a car parked there.
Unfortunately, your entry is disqualified. The sentence given as the month's prompt is to stand alone.
However, I really liked this story! Your descriptive words and way of writing bring your readers in and hold their attention. The story is complete and enjoyable.
If you had ever been to my local DMV, you wouldn't be s happy! On the other hand, if this kind of wonderful experience did occur, it would be praiseworthy.
I understood your title well as the story progressed. Nice spin on a great old song and the prompt!
This flows nicely. The setting, dialogue and characters add up to make the story come alive (or dead as some of the characters came to be!). You answered all questions for your readers as you tied the package up neatly.
I never really considered turning Badger Day into a fantasy piece! Nice!
This is imaginative. The story flows nicely and the dialogue is believable. The story makes it easy for your readers to understand the events leading up to the origins of the holiday.
Two comments: He ran scratched his grizzled, bearded chin, when the door suddenly flew open, letting in a burst of frozen air
The first part of this sentence doesn't make sense. Just a change in the wording is needed.
Consider leaving an extra space between paragraphs. It makes it much easier on your readers' eyes.
I have to admit that I had a headache by the time I finished this.
I'm not sure what you were going for. This reads like a poem but is written in story form. The continued rhyming made it hard to read. I really didn't understand the story.
Comments:
If you intend to use rhyme throughout, I'd suggest making this a poem.
Be clear for your readers' sake. If they don't understand what you are trying to convey, you will lose them. No writer wants that.
Leave a space between paragraphs. This will make it easier on your readers' eyes.
I think you would have a good story here with a little work. I'm not completely clear on who Dogpack is until the end of the story and even then am not sure.
More detail into Dogpack and her story added to the relation with the kitten would enhance this story and make it a heartfelt piece, I feel.
Whew! This kitten took its owner for quite a ride!
You packed a lot of words into this piece. It needed punctuation to give pauses for your readers to keep pace. Also it was very wordy. Read your work aloud to see where natural pauses are needed and what words work and do not work. In poetry, often less is more. Choose words that give the greatest impact.
I like that you wrote this from the cat's point of view.
One thing that I did feel was out of kilter: throughout most of the story, the cat understands perfectly what is being said yet when the woman is scolding her, she says she doesn't always get it. The things the cat does understand in this story are pretty sophisticated.
I like the mix of story and poem. An overstuffed belly and spicy food can make for some odd dreams. I like how you illustrated this here.
My one comment is that I would have like more of a closure where the poem is concerned. What happened? Did the narrator awake or was there more to the story?
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