When I read this story, I felt emotion of loss and a sense of pride for my country.
I really like this piece. It flows well while telling the story you needed to tell. I found your characters realistic and sympathetic.
One comment: I paused wrap my pathetic scarf tighter around my neck to try to keep warmer when a hand touched my shoulder.
The first part of this sentence reads rough.
There is a lot more to this story I think! I like the way in which you set it up. Your description is good and the flow is nice.
I would have liked to know more. I have so many questions! What was her real mindset? Was Jenkins alive?
I take it more was taking place on Earth. Ground control would not have been left unmanned and I'm pretty sure the glow of China had nothing to do with Santa.
You do capture the beauty, and loneliness of being in space. ( I can only imagine not having been to space myself.)
I like this story. It paints the picture of someone willing not only to take his present in his own hands but to shape his future as well. I like that the young man's goal is to help others.
Some comments:
The prompt is meant as a stand alone sentence--not something to add to.
There are several places in the story where words such as "a", "of," etc. need to be. Read your work aloud to catch these kinds of things.
This story has great potential! I like the idea of the road, the car, and the final destination.
It does need some work. It reads choppy in places. It is rushed. Slow down and tell the story. Add details. Use words that evoke your readers' senses. This will have greater impact.
I think it would have greater impact if told by someone as a legend of the area or from the point of view of the girl, or boy, walking on that road.
Give it a try!
I like the idea of this story. A man who has lost the woman he has lived his life for walks away and he must find himself again. I think it's a story that so many can relate to.
Try to slow the pace a little. Let the reader feel with him. Choose words that speak of emotion.
Leave spaces between paragraphs. It makes it so much easier on your readers.
Does he actually take the boat? If so, what are the consequences? It could play a huge part in him finding himself once more.
Good for Sam! I'm glad she walked and kept going. No one deserves what she faced.
I would have loved to know his side of the story. Who was he cheating with?
This flows well. It does get wordy in places. Read your work aloud. It help you catch what doesn't quite work. (That's the best piece of advice I've ever received.)
You could run with this. Add the details of David's affair and more of how Sam grieves, and eventually, copes.
This story has the potential to be really good. I like the setting and pace. The idea is a good one.
It does need work. It changes from past to present tense constantly. Use present for the part of the story being told now and past tense for the flashback.
Utilize pronouns. The reader will understand you are writing about Ron without the constant repetition of his name.
It also might help the suspense to slow the pace just a tad. Not too much but enough to let it build.
Sounds like a great relationship! My sister and I are 4 years apart. Of course there was that separation once I hit junior high and high school but we grew closer as we got older.
I loved the bit about wrestling! My family and I used to attend the matches in Ft. Worth, Texas every Monday night!
I really think this story has good potential. It reads like a first draft. The verb tenses jump from past to present and back again. You could choose stronger words that evoke the senses to bring this to life for your readers. Just a little polish is all it needs.
This tugs at my heartstrings! I love animals and hate to see them mistreated.
This story flows well. You definitely got across to your readers the emotion and mindset of the little girl.
I think you could really add to this and make it even more powerful. How does the rescued dog rescue the little girl in return? Not necessarily physically but emotionally as well.
While I appreciate talking to a person, I often find it difficult to convey my deepest feelings in the spoken word. I leave those words to my writing. I feel freer to express them in that format.
It sounds like Lillian is a wonderful friend! Those kinds of friends are precious.
I could tell you were trying to get more word count for your NaNo writing. I can appreciate that. The words that counted most, though, were those to your friend.
Oh my! What a terrifying time for a little girl! I am so sorry. Thank goodness for Julie!
While this doesn't have a rhyme scheme, I feel the rawness is perfect for the subject. This poem is heartfelt and your words show not only the terrible events but the gratitude for an adult who would listen to a frightened child.
Opposites attract, right? I like this tale, in poetic form, relating the differing points of view. I would be more like the husband. I'm not fond of gatherings, especially large ones or those with people I don't really know.
I like how you shared his feelings on parties and how the couple had differing memories. I think I would have bopped her on the head for the constant correcting!
I'm belatedly reviewing your entry for "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . Thanks for entering!
This is a perfect poem for me to read today. We had a major cold front move in last night and it is cold! The last two lines sums up today in my neck of the woods.
This is a fun poem. I could picture the pumpkins lined up with different faces carved on them.
I love your take on what gave Einstein his love of science! It truly does take the right nudge to fuel our inner geniuses.
A fun rhyme scheme! I have no idea how you find some of these words to match up. Obviously a vocabulary greater than mine. Those "big" words, though, fit perfectly with the character that you illustrate here.
An interesting take on the prompt. My question is how long has civilization been this way and is there a power source to charge the phone. Trivial thoughts in the bigger picture.
Your story flowed nicely and your characters are believable. The dialogue and description are great.
You had the first character, so far, that had the sense to call the police about the package! That's exactly what I would have done.
The dialogue is great! I love the thoughts about the cavalier attitudes of some of the cops.
My one thought: if it had been suspected as a bomb, the authorities would have had the bomb squad come to the scene. It's too risky to take the chance of what happened here to take place. However, for the sake of your ending, it worked.
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