While vampires have been done to death (pardon the pun), I like this story!
I love the description of the church. I could envision it. I like the way you led your readers slowly to reveal the identity of the lighter of the candles. At first I thought it would be Satan but you surprised me again with the true identity.
I like this story! Jake faced his fears and found himself on quite an adventure.
The story flows well. Your description brings your reader's senses to life. I could feel the damp of the cave, the darkness.
Dialogue is great. Laughed out loud at the limerick!
You could go wold with these characters and the adventures they will share.
What an adventure these two took the city through! Being a "why" person, I wondered what they were doing in the first place. Thrill seekers? Terrorists? I'll go with the first since the tone of the poem is light.
This poem flowed nicely and the word choice added to the light-hearted feel of it.
It's always so difficult to lose a loved one, especially in a sudden manner. I've been there. It is a fact of life but still a hard thing to deal with.
I like how you showed the different ways that two people grieved. The descriptions of memories is nice.
There were a few words that were out of place. Once or twice I noticed tense changes.
For impact, why not choose one or two vivid memories to share with your readers? I feel it would add more impact to this piece.
I love the bookstore setting and especially the quiet spot in which to enjoy it. I think I would be camped out all the time!
This is a good scene between two people once in a relationship. I have to admit I wanted more. I wanted more detail on why it went south in the first place.
The description is good and the dialogue is believable. The awkwardness came acorss well.
I really don't think Travis is all that smart. Smart folks don't text and drive!
I see two themes when I read this. One, a moral about said texting and driving. Two, a sibling lost in the shadow of her parents' favorite child. Both, to me, were heartbreaking.
Your narrator's voice is wonderful! She is engaging and has a sense of humor which I imagine kept her sane more than once. The story flow is nice.
While I read this I thought of my cousin. She was an absent mother to a wonderful daughter. She constantly made promises that she didn't keep. Her daughter is now married with a child of her own. While she has forgiven her mother, she is still wary of her promises.
This story brought to life the pain of the child for your readers. The words you chose easily helped your readers to be part of the story. It flows nicely right up until the conclusion. (I was proud of your character for making the decision that she did!)
Love it! As addicted to sugar as we are, it would come down to downright ugliness if the powers that be took that away. The high taxes on sugared items causes me to think of the cities that have considered measures on soft drinks.
The song lyric was something my dad used to sing all the time. It brought back warm memories that aren't sugar related.
Well written. The story moves along with no skips right to the triumphant victory of the people.
I relate with this poem. So little in this world makes sense nowadays. I can see the lines of tearing down churches to build parking lots both literally and metaphorically. Either way, it's a sad tribute to the way society tends to view life.
This is well written and gets your point across nicely. Your word choice enhances that as well as the flow.
You reviewed a piece of mine on December 16, 2008. Although late, I wanted to repay the favor.
After many years of wandering lost, I'm finally coming back into the Christian fold. The folder that I found this piece in caught my attention as did this story.
This story left me with a sense of hope for the human race. If a man such as this could find it in his heart to change, we all can.
I like the pay it forward message here. If we all lived in such a manner this world would be a much better place!
Well written. This flows nicely and tells the story in its entirety right up to how the banker's deed paid itself forward.
One comment:
In the first sentence, did you mean "hardcore?'
You had me right until the end of this! I was thinking in terms of fantasy and you dealt me drama and mystery. Nice!
This is well thought out. You lead your readers through Raimey's mind and his quest in a way that, when the truth comes out, they are (or should be) surprised.
And, I'll admit, you had me til the end. I thought the Great Beast was a polar bear!
A mystery! I wonder who the girl was, how long she'd been missing, and who had left her there. You told your story in entirety and left the reader to ponder these questions.
I like the idea of the story. The plot was good and flowed well. However, I just couldn't believe the dialogue. How old were the boys? The way they spoke sounded too adult at times and not really as friends would talk to one another.
Comments: They looked up and down the access road before slipped into the woods.Either "before they slipped into the woods" or "before slipping into the woods."
I love music! I'm way past my teens but I still remember the feeling when I went to a concert then. I still go but the teenaged crush is gone. The music still takes me out of myself.
I guess what I'm telling you is that I can relate to your words. That's a good thing! You want your readers to feel.
Your description moves your story along with the frenetic pace of a teen girl's mind. I could feel her excitement. I could smell the smells of the concert.
I love poetry about nature, especially the changing of the seasons. I always look forward to autumn after a hot summer!
This poem flows nicely. As I read, I saw the sights and heard the sounds of the geese. I could feel the change of season. This is exactly what poetry should do.
I like this take on the reasoning of the fence! Of course the wrens would love it. A new perch is always appreciated by our feathered friends.{e:smile]
I love that, instead of taking this new eyesore personally, the narrator would focus on something positive.
This is quite the story! Holiday, bill or not, I just don't think I could go through with this. I think my panic attacks would have some kind of protest going on.
This is well written. The flow of the story is great. It is written in such a way that even those who aren't into Sci-fi can understand it.
I like that most is written in dialogue. This gives your readers a look into the mindset and culture of this era. We see through the eyes of those who are experiencing Cryonics.
You reviewed an item of mine on 9/26/07! I apologize for the delay but I am here to return the favor.
I do something along these lines too. I've come to the conclusion that mine is a fear of failure--to myself and the story of my characters. I'm learning to write because my head is getting crowded!
Advice? Just write. Let those characters take you where they will. Of course there will be rewriting involved but wouldn't it be fun to see the end result?
Comments: When I was fifteen I was home sick from school...
I had to read this a few times to make clear your meaning. You might want to rework this sentence. (Those pesky rewrites!)
but I rarely get anything down on paper, or screen, about him.
This is an incomplete sentence. and don't forget to capitalize the first word.
I say take those characters and their stories and put them to page. Just let the writing take you away. It will surprise you when you stop and read what you've written.
You reviewed a piece of mine on 9/13/07! I apologize for the delay but I am here to return the favor.
While browsing for something to read this caught my eye. Perhaps due to the fact that I just came from a funeral.
I feel you captured the vignette of the sad occasion. I could picture those left behind, ready to set their balloons to the sky in honor of this child.
You also bring to the reader the questions one would have if they drove by this scene, knowing that this was child's funeral.
You brought poetic beauty and emotion forth in this piece. I saw nothing out of kilter. It is both sorrowful and lovely.
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