This is a nice, heartfelt poem about the friend you have lost, and what a lovely tribute.
Since the poem is addressed to your friend, the first line should be also:
My friend, my friend is gone away but, : My friend, my friend you have gone away - would make more sense here. Also put "but" on the second line, so that lines one and two rhyme.
A true friend is hard to find and you were mine even when I wasn't so kind.
When we first met I said,
"We won't fall into that thing they call love" but,
our hearts are controlled by the one above.
This verse doesn't really flow well. I would make the first line into a verse of its own:
A true friend is hard to find
yet you were mine
even when I wasn't kind;
"We won't fall into that thing they call love,
but our hearts are controlled by the One above.
this way the lines rhyme, and One should be capitalized as it is referring to God.
We had our ups and we had our downs, - add: I know, so that that all four lines rhyme
through thick and thin you remained my friend so, - needs a comma after friend
goodbye my friend it's time for you to go, - needs a comma after friend
and I'll see you; in the gardens where the rivers flow. - no ';' needed after you
Definitely could use some work, but a good sentiment. Hope this helps. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
This is an absolutely silly poem about a banana roadkill! LOL. Where did you come up with such a ridiculous idea? I love it! Thanks for a great laugh. Well written, with no grammatical or spelling errors. Keep up the good work.
I enjoyed your scary little story, but it kind of leaves a lot out. Of course, as you said, it is just a draft. In particular this sentence left me wondering: His spine suddenly seemed colder than the sweat patches on his back would suggest.
Why would seat patches on his back suggest that his spine was cold? If anything, I would think they would suggest heat. Maybe I am misunderstanding the reference.
Also I don't think you need to say "all his limbs." That is a bit redundant. Just "his limbs" should be fine.
Lastly it would be kind of nice to know just exactly what Kate is after. Does she want him? Does she want to kill him? Or what does she consider hers?
While it is nice to leave it to the reader's imagination, I think we need a little more to go on.
I hope to see this in its final form. So far, so good. No obvious grammatical errors, which is nice. I will be happy to re-rate it once it is done.
This is a lovely and heartfelt poem you have written for your nephew. I am very sorry for your loss. It is always hard to lose someone that we love. You have done a very nice job with this, but there are a few grammatical errors.
I came across a special place - needs a comma
Heaven's gate that's what I was told - comma after gate, and also after told,
A place of rest for the young and old - semi-colon
I closed my eyes, this had to be a dream - comma needed
But everything was so real, to me it seem - seemed
I heard a voice from afar
and the lovely sound of a playing guitar - comma needed
"Take my hand and trust me without fear
for it was I who brought you safely here. - comma, not period
I promised I would show you the way
to live with me in eternity someday."
"I didn't want you to walk alone
as you entered into a land unknown. - comma, not period
Come, and take your Father's hand - comma needed
I'll show you your mansion in this promise land." - promised
I took his hand without hesitation
for I have reached my final destination. - For I knew I had reached - flows a little better.
"Come, now and feast at my table - comma needed
to look upon my face you are now able."
I paused behind the gate of pearls
In awe of it's beauty, I twist and twirl - I twisted and twirled,
I looked down at the streets of gold
Built the same as Revelations foretold - period needed
"I promised I would make heaven new
because I wanted it to be glorious for you.
Here, you have no sorrow and no more pain
The benefits of living for me is only gain."
I looked around and began to smile
happy to see loved ones I hadn't seen in a while - comma needed
We'd all had our shares of sticks and stone
but now we dance around the foot of God's throne - period needed
I hope this has been helpful for you. Still a great job. Best Wishes, and welcome to writing.com
I couldn't resist reading this when I found out it would be from the dog's point of view. I am a cat person myself, and have many stories in my portfolio about my beloved Catuary. However, on with the review. You have done a wonderful job telling this and really keeping in character. That is often hard to do when the main character is an animal. It is very well-written and no obvious grammatical errors. Keep up the good work. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
This is a really cute little story, and congratulations on being featured in the Short Story Newsletter. You said this was written for a Challenge, but you didn't mention whether or not there was a specific prompt for the challenge. I guess it doesn't really matter. This is a well-written piece of flash fiction with a nice surprise ending. It has a strong beginning, middle and ending, which is hard to do in so few words. There are no typos or obvious grammatical errors. Keep up the great writing. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
Very interesting. First of all let me say, it is a well-written piece with no obvious typos or grammatical errors. So good job in that. The first two paragraphs suggest that you are going to talk about the importance and the innate job of using song and dance in a spiritual practice.
Then you kind of get off the subject by discussing the use of drugs by young people in modern culture who are either singing and/or dancing. I think that is irrelevant to your subject.
I did like the fact that you finally made your way back to the subject by suggesting that "readers take time to develop their singing voices and moving their bodies."
I thought that it was interesting that in the last paragraph you say you either sing, OR dance. It left me wondering whether or not you do the two together, which is really what the whole article is about. And as your name suggests you are a musician.
Anyway, it was an interesting and thought-provoking article.
I loved your description of "4 short poems with nothing profound to say." You are right, but they certainly did bring a laugh to an otherwise busy and boring day, so I thank you. By the way, these are very well-written un-profound poems. I especially liked the one about the potatoes. :) Why eleven? Why not twelve, or ten, or just a bunch? I mean, we do have the TWELVE days of Christmas. Anyway, great job. Keep up the super writing. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
I really enjoyed your little ten-line poem, and on researching it I found that this is a specific poetry form. I wondered, because you specifically state that it is a 'ten line poem.' You have done an excellent job, and I really loved the images in your poem. The only thing I would change is putting 'do us part' in quotes, otherwise the grammar in the last line is not correct. You have described true love to a "T". Keep up the good work. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
This is a nice little poem, and you have done a good job with the rhythm, rhyme and meter. It is not all that original, but as you say you wrote it for a school assignment I will assume that you are rather young. In that case you have done a good job with your poem. There are no typos or grammatical errors. I hope your teacher likes it. Keep on writing. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
I really enjoyed reading your poem about autumn. I especially liked your references to spices. Your poem invokes lovely images, and reminds me of my own childhood autumns. I am lucky to still live in the same house I lived in as a teen, so I still can tap into not only the memories, but the realities. Keep up the good work. Cynaemon
I loved your little poem about Samhain and its arrival. You have created lovely images. I can just see the leaves swirling and falling. I especially liked the line: Smiles for cool weather replaces frowns. I love the autumn of the year. Keep up the good writing. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
Very interesting and well-written story, which makes a good point. I would disagree with your interpretation of 2 Cor 11:14, as Satan does not disguise himself as the Angel of Light, he IS the Angel of Light. However, this is not the forum to argue that point. This is a good and effective story. I find myself wondering if you have ever truly been in this situation. I hope you have not. It is a hard place to be. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
This is a lovely but very sad bit of flash fiction. I really enjoyed reading it. Congrats on being featured in the Spiritual Newsletter. I loved the line "does anyone pray for the grass...". From now on I will pray for the grass and for all that it means. Keep up the great writing. Best wishes, Cynaemon
This is an excellent and very well-written poem. I love the sentiment it expresses. The only thing I would change is in the last verse. I think it would make more sense to say 'then you heard...' But it probably doesn't matter that much. Hope you enjoy writing.com. Best wishes, Cynaemon
I absolutely loved this little fanficlet. I write in the Middle Earth 'Verse, but reading this tempts me to do some HP writing too. You have done an excellent job with this, and truly captured the feelings of your characters. Great job. Wish I could give you ten stars. Best wishes, Cynaemon
I loved your little poem. It is beautiful, and has a great sentiment.I like the rhyme and the flow, and am really intrigued by the layout of the poem on the page. You have done an excellent job, and created some beautiful images. Keep up the good work. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
This is a nice little poem and it has a really sweet sentiment, being about your son and angels. I did find a number of errors though. In line 4 you need to close your quotation: instead".
In the line "they help him with his plight" both "him" and "his" should be capitalized as you are referring to God.
Sweet-hearted, not sweethearted. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
This is a wonderful little story with a surprise ending. I liked it very much. It is also very well-written, and I found no grammatical errors (yay) or typos. I hope you did well in the contest. You deserve to win it. Keep up the good work. Best wishes, Cynaemon
This is a very nice haiku. I could really feel the heat and humidity, and hear the cicadas singing. You did a nice job with the haiku form also. I found it interesting that you titled it waterfalls. I wasn't sure that went along with the poem.
Keep up the good work. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
This is a very interesting little story, and I enjoyed reading it. I liked the way you used the "haiku" to tell the other side of the story. I think you need to work on your haiku though. These are really just a string of 17 syllables strung together in haiku format, not true haiku. Still, it was a good read. Keep on writing. Cynaemon
I Loved your haiku about the sunset. You have done a wonderful job with the format, and really captured the spirit of a true haiku. I love the image of dying embers falling from the sky. Keep up the good work. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
Loved your haiku about the faeries. It is very well written, and each of your verses follows the standard haiku format very well. You have created beautiful images in your poem also. Keep up the good work. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
Very interesting little poem. I just recently discovered octopoems, and this one is excellent, even though there was certain criteria you had to follow. I will have to try some of these myself. Keep up the good work. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
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