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151
151
Review of Writing  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Rhythm/Rhyme:
Good flow and rhythm

Summary:
A poem about what we as writers do. This was a solid poem, telling the tale of how we go about writing, and how we must get the words written. I could really identify with this.


Critique:
I loved this part:
If you cannot get it out
of your soul to paper
or screen you will explode.

It is so true. Just trying to get the words down can drive you crazy as you look for any way to have them in some form of writing. Great job!

This would be my name. }
152
152
Review of Dew Drop  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Rhythm/Rhyme:
Good rhythm and flow in this poem. The rhyme scheme worked as well.

Summary:
A bittersweet poem of love and loss, however brief. You did well with adding good images of the rain, dew, leaf and how the two drops became one, only to be sent crashing to the ground.

Critique:
I enjoy reading poems of love, and even though this had separation, the sweetness of how the lonely one became two, and then they both separated again worked really well. Write on.

Thank you for bidding on my auction package!

This would be my name. }
153
153
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
PLOT -
Taygen is busy with writing, a writing group, taking care of her husband and the house and a job. She is not appreciated by Carson and they wind up having the same argument yet again.

SETTING -
I could picture the house with clutter as Taygen described how cleaning was difficult because of all the work tools. Remembher to add reactions during an argument. Have them moving as the conversation/argument progresses. Inner dialogue would work well here too as Taygen doesn't really want her thoughts out there for Carson to hear.

CHARACTERS -
I wondered what Carson looked like. I did get a slight picture in my mind from his facial expression, and the from the way he spoke to his wife.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
rung right out. ~~wrung

She let her mind consider possibilities as Carson continued to barrage her with his complains-complaints

THOUGHTS -
You overused the ellipses'. Most of them aren't necessary and because of the frequency it pulled me out of the story. I was also a bit confused about the beginning just before she came home. Watch repeating words. Energized was used a lot. Look for other words that give the same meaning. Taygen doesn't seem happy with her married life and I wondered why she chose this man in the first place. I wish you lots of luck with Nano. Just keep writing and push through. Don't worry about editing things.

Lost in a haze of purple she stands alone
154
154
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: E | (4.5)
Rhythm/Rhyme/Flow:
You had a good rhyme scheme that flowed well from one stanza to the next, telling the tale of the impending hurricane.

Summary:
You did a good job showing how prayer really can help in these trying times we live in. It is what we depend on to see us through the good and bad things in our life. Mother Nature can be devastating, and you summed that up well.


Critique:
You took a recent event, Hurricane Matthew and turned into a solid poem that had an uplifting ending. If you had to evacuate, I hope that you and your family are all safe and well now.

This would be my name. }
155
155
Review of Sweeping  
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
PLOT -
Janet is sweeping up, hoping to gain Frank's attention.

SETTING -
Nice job showing that she was being neat even in her attempt to get the fire going.

CHARACTERS -
Janet is a neat arsonist. Nice twist there!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
No dialogue. No errors.

THOUGHTS -
I didn't read the intro for the story so I was nice and shocked by the twist at the end. Might want to change that so your reader doesn't get a heads up. You did good with the music prompt and showing a story in less than one hundred words. Good luck in the contest!

Lost in a haze of purple she stands alone
156
156
Review of Love's Touch  
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Rhythm/Rhyme:
Nice rhyme with this poem about love conquering all. Even through loss the message and love remains.

Summary:
Isn't love an extraordinary thing? You really captured the message of the power of love, even through loss. The physical loss is felt so deeply, yet love lives on lifting our spirits as reminders are all around us.

Critique:
Good imagery in this poem, showing the darkness that tries to invade, yet the bright light of love pierces through it. This is a very heartfelt piece that leaves the reader with hope. Nice job conveying that.

This would be my name. }
157
157
Review of Time without you.  
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Write from the Heart Poetry Contest"   by Purple Princess

Following the Prompt: *Checkg*
Line Count: *Checkv*

Rhyme/Rhythm/Flow:
Good rhythm throughout. There were a couple places where the flow was interrupted because of a word that I think is misspelled and two words that needed a space.

on not seeing youagain
is too much to bare.~~I think you mean bear, as in too much to take/endure?

Emotions/Imagery:
Really good emotions of loss. You were able to capture the pain and bring that to the forefront.

Impressions:
Writing about pain and loss isn't an easy task, but you did it well with your poem about losing a family member. It tugged at my heart and I could feel the sadness and emotional turmoil. Nice job!

This would be my name.

158
158
Review of Rope Burn  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
PLOT -
Jenna is bound and enjoying every second of her anniversary gift.

SETTING -
You pulled me right into the scene between these two characters. It was very hot, and ended way too soon. The scene was described well from beginning to end. Sultry and sexy.

CHARACTERS -
Jenna was a perfect character, completely consumed with what he did to her, craving more, needing her lover.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
No issues. Dialogue worked really well, both internal and external.

THOUGHTS -
What a great ride this was. Great descriptions that painted the scene, lots of heat. Great job with using the prompt for this round. Good luck in the contest.

Lost in a haze of purple she stands alone
159
159
Review of 16th Anniversary  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Tales of Seduction "   by Purple Princess

Plot:
Jason and Amanda are about to go away for their 16th anniversary. Both make plans that showcase the banner year as they prepare for their long awaited honeymoon.
Romance/Sensuality:
There was a sweetness about this piece as they separately prepared to go away on this trip, their past 15 years on their minds.
Impression:
It was a sweet story that ended too soon. I really wanted to see them together on finally having a honeymoon! However, you gave me insight into both of your characters, how they thought, what they felt and wanted and they were both memorable. *ThumbsupL*
Grammar/Spelling/Other issues:
No issues it. It was a clear read.

Followed Prompt:*Checkv*
Word Count Range:no word count liste





~~Please remember these are my opinions and are not meant to hurt, only help. Take what you can from my comments that work for you, and discard the rest!! Happy writing!!~~
~~Image ID# 1591557's Content Rating Exceeds Item Content Rating~~
160
160
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Greetings Schnujo Enjoyed Colombia

I am reviewing "Hook to Book, Round 3-Sheriff Sam Rabbit"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 17!


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red


OVERALL IMPRESSION
Very cute story of Sam the bunny who is sheriff of the forest. He tries to help the other animals in the forest and things don't go his quite the way he plans. It's a very endearing story.

What I Liked Best:
Sam was funny as he thought things through. He was eager to help everyone, even though some things puzzled him. Good descriptions at the ravine really set the scene.

WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence:
Good visual of Sam pinning the star to his vest.

Opening Paragraph:
Straight to the point. We know who Sam is and what he's doing and why.

Plot:
Sam is a bunny standing in as sheriff of the forest until an election can be held to appoint someone permanently. He is off to help poor Kat find her rhymes, but gets distracted by an emergency.

Character Development:
Cute characters. Same doesn't care how he got his position and really wants a hat to complete his look. His outlook is refreshing and has a good sense of humor. He is happy to help anyone, no matter what situation that may thrust him into.

Dialog:
Flowed really well between characters. Inner dialogue of Sam was great and really showcases who he is.

Spelling & Punctuation:
No errors

Grammar:
No errors

Continuity:
Smooth chapter that moved at a strong pace as Sam was called into action.

Form:
No issues

Clarity:
I know what the plot is and where its going.

Hook:
Sam helping Kat find her rhymes, but not knowing how to go about that.

CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION

Structure:
Solid first chapter and i want to read on and follow Sam on his adventures. The only thing missing for me was that I wondered what the weather was like and if that effected anything happening around them.

Figurative Language & Vocabulary:

Rhythm & Meter:
Good rhythm to the story


CLOSING STATEMENT
Very enjoyable. Strong characters. Good setting and description.

Purple Princess

STATIC
Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis  (E)
Looking for solid NOVEL feedback from other novelists? The NW is BACK & better than ever!
#2088228 by Carol St.Ann


Gives us this:

A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
161
161
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: E | (4.5)
PLOT -
A family moves to safety. First to the attic, and then out onto the roof as the raging waters of Hurricane Katrina takes over their home.

SETTING -
I could picture them moving up the ladder, and Howard cutting the hole in the roof for them to escape.

CHARACTERS -
Howard and Rita take action when the house begins to flood, moving their family to safety on the roof. Rita busies herself looking for rope to stop her thoughts from wandering on their plight and concentrates on their children. Howard was good at keeping things moving as the situation grew worse for them.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
No errors. Good internal dialogue for both main characters.

THOUGHTS -
I remember being glued to the television when this was happening. I hope this isn't a true story for you, but if it is, I'm glad you made it through that ordeal.

Lost in a haze of purple she stands alone
162
162
Review of Summer Kiss  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
PLOT -
A couple move from friends to dating and share their first kiss.

SETTING -
I could picture the firefly well, and it was a cute scene as it landed on her nose.

CHARACTERS -
Your male character was nervous, that came off well. Your female lead had a playful side to her.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
No errors. Dialogue flowed nicely between your couple.

THOUGHTS -
You did a good job with your male character, showing all that he felt about the girl, being with her, and the sweat he couldn't seem to control. When the kiss happened, I wanted more. You describe the kiss well enough, but just hint at the emotions behind it. What did the kiss feel like? Were her lips soft and warm? Inviting? Was he disappointed when she pulled away? Adding sensations and emotions together really make these important moments stand out. Write on!

Lost in a haze of purple she stands alone
163
163
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (4.5)
PLOT -
A high school crush that leaves both of them looking for a way to talk to one another.

SETTING -
Good job with the circling of his name and playing with her hair. This had good build up and anticipation as she resolved herself to say hello.

CHARACTERS -
Jeremy likes a redhead, but thinks he's blown his chance with her. She drums up the courage to say hello, has it all planned and when her big moment comes she's let down, wondering if she misunderstood the rumor.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
No errors. The dialogue was strong and moved the story forward.

THOUGHTS -
I felt so bad for her. She was so sure of herself as she marched up to them and said her big 'hello'. Crushes can be so sweet and so terrifying at the same time. You played that well from both angles. Lots of detail for the Daily Flash. You had a full story and used every word to its fullest potential. Nicely done. Write on! Good luck in the contest.

Lost in a haze of purple she stands alone
164
164
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
PLOT -
Chris and Ida hit the fair, talking about the beginnings of their relationship, and still very much in love.

SETTING -
Really good job setting up the scene, the kids laughing at them for kissing, and the couple racing out of the stables. Their scene together in the loft was hot.

CHARACTERS -
I really liked the playfulness of your couple. They were sweet, and the way they interacted was nice to see in a couple married as long as they were.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
"Hoowhee! I never thought we were never going to get out of there."

And, with that, he grabber~grabbed her into another embrace

Every thrust made the temperature in the cool lost~loft rise
higher

They laid there on the now wed~wet hay waiting

THOUGHTS -
I enjoyed your story for Tales of Seduction. It had great flow and excitement, lots of heat. You pulled me into their love story with great descriptions and good dialogue. Good luck in the contest

Lost in a haze of purple she stands alone
165
165
Review of Confessional Lies  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
PLOT -
Entry for Blink- prompt Lies. That is quite a whopper of a lie in the confessional no less!

CHARACTERS -
A girl goes to confession, and then must admit that she just lied to the priest about how many lies she's told.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
No errors. The inner dialogue was a great shock and twist to the story.

THOUGHTS -
You managed to put a lot into your sixty-one words that left my mouth hanging open. I can't fault her for not wanting to admit what she'd held back. If only the priest had a clue about what she managed to keep to herself about his cousin. Good Blink entry. You used the prompt to the fullest potential. Good luck in the contest.

Lost in a haze of purple she stands alone
166
166
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
PLOT -
Zarth is trying to escape the onslaught of arrows and hides in the woods.

SETTING -
Good job showing a lot more than your original draft. Most of the things I wanted to point out in the old version you improved upon in the new opening paragraph. You took out all the telling words and showed the reader what was happening. I do think you could go deeper with how the pain felt to him from that arrow in his shoulder.

CHARACTERS -
Zarth is a thief on the run. Good hook that grabs the readers interest.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
Stumbling to a halt behind a moss covered tree, he heavily fell heavily against the bark.

THOUGHTS -
Your new opening paragraph has great flow and good description. There is a much clearer picture of Zarth, and the scene that is unfolding around him. If you keep up on the new path you should have a really good opening to your story.

Lost in a haze of purple she stands alone
167
167
Review of GoT Writings  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
PLOT -
A bittersweet story about a child learning through others that her father is truly a hero and it has nothing to do with any great feat, but for standing by his wife and family.

SETTING -
Nice description of the people who came to say goodbye to the mother and pay their respects.

CHARACTERS -
The child who didn't understand why doing what you were supposed to do doesn't make someone a hero, only to realize that all of the actions of the father indeed make him heroic.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
No issues - no dialogue

THOUGHTS -
I loved this last part of your story: For you see, truly the best honor or eulogy I could give my mom was to recognize that my dad was the best part of her, and vice versa. Through their eyes and example, I saw that my dad was and always had been mom’s hero.

Couldn't have said it any better. Nicely done! And don't feel bad about not placing in the writing challenges. I finally got one placement in the last week. I know it's a bummer. Write On!

Lost in a haze of purple she stands alone
168
168
Review of Writing For G.O.T  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
PLOT -
Harriet and her sister Myranda are not happy that people have shown up at their home to try and get their father to run for mayor.

SETTING -
Really great moments described by Harriet as she looked upon the room. I loved her descriptions of her father, how she saw him and her mother.

CHARACTERS -
Good family dynamic. Harriet may not realize it, but her dad's a good guy and did put his family first. Even knowing the girls did things they shouldn't have when guests were over, he didn't scold her. He understand why she did the things she did and got her to promise to come to him next time instead of lashing out.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
No errors. The dialogue flowed really well.

THOUGHTS-
Solid piece of writing for the GoT prompt. I really liked the characters and storytelling. Everything was vivid and I could picture the scene well. I loved Harriet. She really cares for her family and it shows.

Lost in a haze of purple she stands alone
169
169
Review of THE TEEN BRAIN  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Purpose and Audience
Your target audience could be teens as well as adults since you talk about both teenage behavior, and how what they do can affect those around them. It gives adults a better understand of what they are dealing with when it comes to teenagers.

Structure
Good flow in your article from one paragraph to the next. The transitions were done well.

Style
You were very direct in your approach, giving examples of things that you have seen that corroborate the information that you spoke about.

Mechanics
Sufficive to say, teenagers are very suggestible.--I believe the correct term is - suffice it

Personal Response
I found the article interesting, and your experiences to back up the facts seemed to really drive that point home. Unfortunately drugs abuse can really affect a person in ways they don't even realize. For some it takes years. Destructive behavior can go hand in hand with the added use of drugs. You had a lot of good information in this piece. And I agree that music is able to cross boundaries that most wouldn't bother to cross, but I also think it can do good as well. Good article
170
170
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (4.0)
PLOT -
Scott and Joe are fracking and getting antsy about hitting something. Scott is growing impatient, and Joe reminds him how long it took for his wife to become pregnant.

CHARACTERS -
Joe is wise, pulling upon life to get him through and keep his mind on the real prize. Scott listens, but hasn't grasped the concept of what is true wealth yet.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
"I know, but you remember, when my wife thought she was pregnant after seventeen years without a child!" --the second comma slows it down, think you can omit it.

IMPRESSION -
Dialogue 500 isn't an easy one to write for. I followed along with their conversation well. I liked that Joe had more life experiences, and saw past money, and monetary things, focusing on what having a family brings to the equation. It has a good message that resonates well, something so many take for granted. Good job looking at the big picture. Good luck in the contest!
171
171
Review of More Sue  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Quiet contemplation

PLOT -
A story of relationships between men and women. A family who names their girls derivatives of Susannah, passes on valuable insights into men and women. Susan relays a story about her and her finance and how things are supposed to go in the future.

SETTING -
Susan telling the story of switching pants was easy to picture as she shared the details of it to her sister, Susie.

CHARACTERS -
Susan, engaged, getting ready to start her new life with her intended, and still having to work a few things out.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
No errors. Good dialog between the two girls as they had a conversation about the new loft.

THOUGHTS -
I liked the explanation of what men need at the beginning of the story. That really set the tone for this short story. I thought all of the women being names a form of "Sue" would be an issued, but you explained that as well. Nothing like making a parents job easier to get things done, than by using one name as an umbrella to get everyone's attention. I liked the two girls talking, and Susan sharing this with her sister. It was funny to see Susan turn the tables on her intended so cleverly. He totally thought he had her when he told her to wear his pants, stating it would be the only time she ever did so. Nicely done. Write on!
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
172
172
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Quiet contemplation

PLOT -
Father and son off on another adventure, to tear away life in the form of trees and other shrubbery. This adventure has you crawling around a massive rosebush, trying to get a chain around it's base so it can be removed from the ground by your father and his Bedford.

SETTING -
I loved all of the internal dialog when it came to describing your father as a man of many words, or, not so many words. You trying to talk him out of making you wrap the chain around the rosebush was good, I had a really clear picture of that. But you and and that snake! Oh my that was hilarious, and scary at the same time. I cannot imagine how terrified you must have been then.

CHARACTERS -
The snake who is just as terrified as you were. You father, who gave you such a good glimpse of his affections for you, only to turn it around into something else. And you, unable to say no to your father, hating every second of the tasks he puts for you carry out, and of course these wonderful stories each one leads to. You have a great pace that really lets the reader get a clear picture as things progress.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
No spelling errors! Yea! Go you!! Again, great dialog. It's so easy to get into the story and the dialog always has me laughing at the way you and your dad talk to one another.

THOUGHTS -
Another great story. I loved this one. When you and the snake came face to face, which sent you off out of the rosebush like a shot of lightning, only falling onto your behind as you skidded away had me rolling. You always manage to paint a really vivid scene with your word choices. Love the humor of these tales. Thanks for sharing. Write on!
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
173
173
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Quiet contemplation

PLOT -
Doc and Dad again, off to rescue the truck this time. As father and son try to get the old Bedford up and running, they run into a few snags along the way. Son, of course sees things father does not, and as accidents happen along the way, it leads to humor and a lot of swearing.

SETTING -
I love the images of the two of you attempting to work together, as everything seems to go wrong. Your father reminds me of my grandfather, who also had some mad word skills, inventing his own colorful jargon. When you both were under the truck, your dad with the chainsaw, I was waiting for you to get nicked by it, but alas, only the oil filter suffered that fate.

CHARACTERS -
You and your father, on another memorable adventure.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
His glare suggested strongly that finishing was a bad idea.

“I wanted you to point the direction I should drive in, to avoid stumps.”

I was about to crawl under there with him when

Dad pulled the starter and revved the saw a couple of times while giving me the familiar

Filled with dread at my approaching gory death, I went to side of the

soft drink crate he sued/used??? to store bottles of chainsaw fuel.

Mum arrived about half an hour later, and somehow this how/whole?? affair became

By the time he had called his favourite mechanic

The dialog is filled with humor, and that's what makes these stories so fresh and exciting.

THOUGHTS -
Hey, Doc. told you I'd be back to read some more of these. And this one didn't disappoint. You have some great storytelling going when it comes to the adventures of you and your father. They are so down to earth and hilarious as to how you two manage to work together. Great descriptions and banter. You have your father's looks down to a science, really showing his range of emotions in his eyes as he looks at you, or glares. Write on!
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
174
174
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Quiet contemplation

PLOT -Micah buys a long since forgotten mansion to fix it up and then flip it. The history of the house has kept most away. Camellia committed suicide over a century ago and her spirit still resides there.


SETTING - Really easy to see Camellia and the changes to the mansion. Best scene was brushing her hair with the old hairbrush.


CHARACTERS -Micah is enraptured by Camellia and falls in love with her. Camellia has always loved that house. Will always love the house most.


GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -I found no errors. Dialog was done well, easy to get into.


THOUGHTS -Nice job using the photo Prompt for Tales of Seduction. You described the details of the picture that pulled me in and had me excited to see where you would take your characters. I should have expected the ending, knowing how she felt about leaving that house so long ago. I did feel bad for Micah, believing he could take her with him and they could have a happy life. How many times will she throw herself out the window? Very sad to be so tied down to a house. Nice job for the contest. Write on!

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
175
175
Review of The Lab  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Quiet contemplation

PLOT -
Marie and a Lieutenant are inside a cave in Peru where they are monitoring Alien technology. The Lieutenant thinks she's touched something that made the electronics inside the cave come to life, but in actuality it was automatic. Together they try to figure out just what the place represented, and once Marie realizes it what it is, it comes as a shock.

SETTING -
Good job setting the scene inside the cave with all of the electronics as Marie plugged away on her computer trying to make sense of the transmissions. What was missing is elaborating on the sounds inside the cave. You bring up the alarm going off. What did is sound like? Adding more of the senses into this would really draw the reader in further.

CHARACTERS -
Marie caught up in all the data. The Lieutenant who is curious, asking questions.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
No errors. The Lieutenant seemed more laid back that I imagined an officer to be.

THOUGHTS -
You had a lot going on in this piece. When the discovery was made of just what they were standing inside it gave me a chill. Bravo for bringing that into the story. Think about adding more descriptive elements to really pull the reader into the story. Show their visible emotions to make your audience identify with your characters. Write on!
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
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