Welcome to WDC!!!
What I love about your work: My favorite "character" is Valerie. I enjoyed the description of her, she sounds like one rough lady *winking*. I did enjoy the personality being added through the main character's view of his metal partner.
Why I could relate to your work: Being a steampunk fan, I had to check this out. It's an interesting concept, made me think vaguely of the Leviathan series.
My suggestions: Okay, I have a few so here goes.
My first would be to work on formatting. Typically, when writing something like this, you want to separate out the lines better. When someone else speaks, they get a new line. One shouldn't have huge paragraphs with multiple lines of speech, various actions, etc, going on. It needs to be formatted.
Secondly, the opening is a bit rough to get through. It's interesting, but it feels kind of like it's all over the place, and doesn't really do much to draw the reader in. After taking part in various writers clubs and such, I've learned that first paragraph, particularly the first line, is really all of an impression you get to make on the reader. So, it really needs to pack a punch and be easy to follow to hook them in.
If you get a chance, you should try to read your work out loud. I'm terrible about doing it before I post it, but usually my kids con me into reading the stories to them, and when I do... lots of cringe-worthy moments, because reading out loud allows you to find the awkward lines. And if you find awkward lines, I guarantee they were ten times more awkward for your reader. It only takes a few lines that cause someone to stumble before they decide to move onto something else. So, I highly recommend reading this out loud and rewording the lines that make you stumble.
Another thought, when you have the daydream with his father, that scene should be in italics or something to differentiate it from the current reality.
I also recommend taking advantage of a site called autocrit (I swear by it). It will help you find repetition in your work, passive voice, etc. It's the editor that I hate being ;).
Any noticeable typos: I noticed quite a few places where a comma would be a great addition. Commas are the bane of my existence so I know what a pain in the rear they are to use correctly, but if you can have someone help you figure it out, it'll help your writing read a lot more smoothly.
My favorite line(s): "All legs and charm, but time had weathered her so she wasn't that pretty to look at any more but still very much the diamond even if in the rough." I liked the description of Valerie, a lot! Though this is one of those lines I'm talking about in the typo section. A comma should go before "but" and after "diamond".
In conclusion: I think this is an interesting story, but it definitely needs some polishing to really make it shine. I can see this developing further, but make sure to edit it and format it so readers are able to read through it without stumbling. Thank you for a fun read, and welcome to the WDC.
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