Happy Anniversary this month!!!
What I love about your work: What a hellish plane trip, on so many levels. I mean, really, death by lava? In an airplane? Yikes. Brutal, crazy and totally unorthodox, I enjoyed this quite a bit.
Why I could relate to your work: I hate flying on planes, not because of the turbulence, but because my father is an airplane mechanic. He used to torture us when we flew. "That's not supposed to sound like that", "Uh oh, the plane's supposed to be doing this or we're going to crash", and on and on. Made flying horrifying, especially when he would jump and gasp, get that frightened look his eyes. Anyways, I read this with the expectation it would be a terrible flight and I was certainly not disappointed.
My suggestions: My first one is that you should try to write out numbers smaller than a hundred. Otherwise, the numbers distract the reader from your work.
Also, when you do have numbers in your story and it's such a big part of introducing the character, you should make sure they add up. You state that he and his wife were married for fifteen years, but go on to say they got divorced when their daughter was ten, after she was born only two years into their marriage. It may seem like a little thing, but it is the little things that make up the big picture so if something minor is off like that, it can throw off the whole picture.
"One man had been hit with his own lap top, and blood was flowing from the wound. He was unconscious." This line would be better combined. "One man had been knocked unconscious with his own lap top, and blood was flowing from the wound."
"Then, without warning, the volcano erupted, spewing molten lava up into the air, hitting the plane with great force.
The plane shot up, then back down. People screamed. Some began to unbuckle themselves and tried rushing to the back of the plane, hoping they could run from it. Then the heat began to rise. 75, 85, 100, then it felt like it was 1000 degrees inside the metal container.
Franklin never moved. He knew that he could not run or hide from something like this. As he sat there, the aisle began to turn a dark red color. The lava was eating its way through the bottom of the plane. This was making the plane lose altitude greatly. Then, out of nowhere, Franklin heard a scream from the front of the plane. Then the plane dropped significantly, and kept dropping." Out of eleven lines here, you started four of them with "Then". "Then" is not a good line opener. To be honest, you could leave it completely off and not even have to reword the lines, just capitalize the next word.
And my last tip is to try to remove the passive voice from your work. Your story held me captivated, but it would pop so much more if you could remove most of the passive voice. It's something I need to focus on in my work too, but if you're successful, it will really add to your tale.
Any noticeable typos: To be honest, I didn't really notice typos, but the numbers distracted me quite a bit.
My favorite line(s): "Right below them, DIRECTLY below them, was a large, active, volcano." Sure, there were signs they were in trouble, but that's one of those "you're screwed" moments. Uh oh.
In conclusion: I found this to be an interesting tale with certainly an unexpected method to cause the demise of the plane. I liked it and think with some tweaking, it could really shine. A fun read, and as they say, write on.
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