Well, hello there: well, tickle me pink, not what I expected from the title of the story. Granted, I'm in a horror mindframe so lol, it happens. I'm reviewing a couple of my fans for one of the Game of Thrones activities and since you're always kind to my work, thought I'd come by and visit yours.
What I love about your work: I loved the obvious planning she put into this, the idea of being hot and bothered at the prospect of pleasing your partner. I always find the different personalities in people's stories fascinating.
My suggestions: I don't know if this was written for a contest, but if word count isn't an issue, I would suggest building it up more. As it is, Corey seems kind of like an a jerk considering his text gave no indication at all that something was up. Seems a bit cold-hearted to act like everything's fine and then, we need to take a break. Maybe a "We need to talk" kind of thing.
I also would suggest giving Natasha more motivation to go off the deep end. Trashing your partner's apartment cause they said they wanted a break seems extreme and made me lose sympathy for her. And to be honest, if I came home to such an attack, my reaction would not be the same as Corey's. I think there needs to be some reconciliation, addressing of the problems, and actually fixing it to spur the makeup sex. Otherwise, as the reader, I'm kinda of scratching my head, wondering how he just overlooked the craziness unleashed on his home.
"The separation has been difficult since this is the first time they have spent any large amount of time apart since they started dating six months ago." I would replace one of the "since"s with another word. Try not to repeat the same word in the sentence.
"Walking into the bedroom, she dumps the contents of the bag she brought with her on the bed, picking up the rose scented candles and smells the scent of them while imagining making love to the man she loves." A couple of things here. I would suggest breaking into two different sentences. It feels like too much packed into one line. Perhaps end it at bed and begin the new one with picking. I would also suggest different words for love, too repetitive too close. Perhaps making love to her heart's mate, making love to her beloved (realize love is in the word, but it's different enough it doesn't sound the same).
"Natasha walks over to the bed, picking up the bag of rose petals she walks to the front door, leaving a love trail for Corey to follow to her, in a path to his bed where she will be waiting for him." Again, I would just break this up. It's too much packed into one sentence.
"Nipping her thighs as he licks her moist area while sucking the juices he loves the taste of her" Sure, make me blush. Set that aside, I have a couple of suggestions with this line. I don't think many people can nip thighs as they lick a woman's moist area. Usually, they nip thighs on their way to the licking. It can't all occur at the same time. Also, I would not switch to his pov for that one line. You're in Natasha's head the whole story and then flip it for that one section. It feels out of place.
My favorite line(s): I won't deny, I enjoyed the last section. It was fun and playful, definitely an interesting wrap up to the story.
In conclusion: I think this has a lot of potential, just needs some tweaking. Would love to see the build up and a little smoother transitions between the moods. A very entertaining read that definitely brought some color into my cheeks and made me grateful my husband wasn't reading over my shoulder :P. Anywho, as they say, write on.
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