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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Well, hello there: I found your piece on the review list for the WDC Power Reviewers and thought I'd give it a peek.

What I love about your work: The message in this is very strong and a reminder that we need to take care of our world before there is no more world to take care of. I liked the hints of the world around the narrator you gave us through her grandma's stories and her justified jealousy.

Why I could relate to your work: Living in Arizona, we understand extreme summers and the joke is that we have summer and fall, sometimes spring, but no real winter. But unlike the narrator, I actually like the heat. I drive with my windows down in 120F and look forward to July :P.

My suggestions: I noticed you share in a case of "thatinitus". It's the tendency to put too that into a story more than necessary. It's a filler word, and often the sentences flow just fine without it in them. I would suggest checking out a site, autocrit.com and running your story through there. I swear by them ;). It'll help catch filler words, passive voice, redundancies, and a whole slew of interesting things that on our own, as writers, we never seem to catch in our writing.

Any noticeable typos: I noticed a few minor punctuation and grammar issues, but nothing distracting me from your story.

My favorite line(s): "It’s not just me, everyone hates summer today." I think, even not by the standards in this story, many people share the narrator's distaste for summer. My husband included.

In conclusion: Anyway, this was an interesting reminder of why we should take care of the resources we have now. Nicely done. As they say, write on.


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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Well, hello there: Found your story in the ghost section and liked how it played out.

What I love about your work: First off, the concept caught my eye. I'm confident most of us have been warned about hitchhikers, but a ghost one is a whole different ballgame. Secondly, I loved the ending. It cracked me up and was a good, solid conclusion to this piece.

Why I could relate to your work: Having done my fair share of travel on lonely stretches of highway, I can't imagine being in this situation. How terrifying!

My suggestions: I would suggest working on the passive voice in order to make this story really pop. I would also maybe suggest adding in some of the other senses to make the reader connect more with the story. Maybe have the woman smelled of lilac or cinnamon, have the driver catch a faint whiff of roadkill, something that makes our senses more immersed in the scene.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't really see anything that stood out.

My favorite line(s): "... and be happy when I don't see her." I really like that, and chuckled though at the same time sharing the driver's relief.

In conclusion: This was an interesting tale and did well at telling the ghost story. Nicely done, as they say, write on.


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SCREAMS!!! Open in new Window. (GC)
A Terrifying Contest Of Horror And Three Time Quill Award Winner!
#2020439 by Lilli ☕ Author IconMail Icon


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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Found you in the newsletter "Short Stories Newsletter (June 29, 2016)" Open in new Window. and had to take a peek. Well worth a glance.

What I love about your work: This had such an eerie, otherworldly feel to it. Made me curious about this world and their family work. I also liked the fact that her mom was with her, even if she didn't realize it. Very sweet yet sad and dark at the same time.

Why I could relate to your work: As a lover of fantasy and horror, this pulled me in.

My suggestions: " Everyone was attracted to mom. When mom was at Camp" The way mom is used here is as her name, her title, and it should be capitalized. If it were "attracted to my mom", it would be fine lower cased, but when used as her name, it should be Mom.

My only other beef is I would suggest trying to reword lines to remove the passive voice. It's not an easy task but if you can really limit the passive voice in your work, your stories will pop so much more.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that distracted me from your work.

My favorite line(s): "She saw mom standing behind, a hand on her shoulder and smiling.

“This is from today.”" Aw, sniffles, so beautifully sad, but still mildly creepy at the same time. As a mom, I like the idea that she would stick around and make sure her baby was doing okay.

In conclusion: I enjoyed the eerie atmosphere and the exploration into the family business. It was an interesting tale that poked my curiosity, and my maternal instincts. Nicely done, and as they say, write on.


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Review of Jackamoor Manour  Open in new Window.
Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: Aw, darn siblings always getting each other into sticky situations. Though sucks it ended up so bad for the brother. It was a cute, eerie read.

Why I could relate to your work: My daughter is a horror writer as well, and your story seems like something she would enjoy. She's really into reading Mary Downing Hahn, takes a lot of inspiration from her works, perhaps she's someone you would enjoy too. Anywho, I clicked on your story originally cause I saw the horror tag, and that's what I'm drawn to as well.

My suggestions: This was a great start, but there's so much more you can do with it.

I would suggest adding more detail. Tell us what the widow looked like. Was she solid? See-through? Gray and wrinkled with age? Eternally young? Tell us about the house, share the conversation between the siblings.

Remember the five senses: taste, touch, smell, sound, and sight. It's best to use details in the story that make the reader use all five senses. Maybe have the house stinks like dirt and mold, the floor creaks with every step, the wood of the door is splintered and sharp, the bitter flavor of fear, just little things that will make the reader connect more.

My favorite line(s): "BANG!" I like this because you're rolling the story along, seemingly everything is fine, and then you slam that door in the story, totally changing the tempo of the story. It was fun, and was the equivalent of jumping out at someone and yelling boo! Definitely a nice touch.

In conclusion: This was a fun ghost story that entertained me from beginning to end. Well done, and as they say, write on.


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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Well, hello there: I found you on the random reviews and instantly identified with this piece.

What I love about your work: I can't deny I enjoy work that questions our government, and demands action against their over-reaching, not well thought out problems. I liked how this flowed, and how it spoke to us, and not down to us.

Why I could relate to your work: As someone who thinks we need less government (that includes both conservatives and liberals), this spoke to me. Sooner or later, we need to tell them to quit digging into everyone else's pockets and start reaching into their own. How can a government that can't afford to to pay its debts continue to grant pay raises to the politicians running it? I mean, that's a whole other can of worms, but gah... sorry, off on a tangent. Did I mention, your poem was something I can identify with?

My suggestions: I don't really have any. I liked the flow, liked the message, thought you did well with the word choices, and liked how you called out a national problem that we all have to deal with or face the consequences.

Any noticeable typos: I did not see anything that stood out to me.

My favorite line(s): "A government taking into account
The power to act on folks’ behalf;" This was a strong opening and set the tone for the rest of the poem. It also made me bristle, because the government has gotten too big for its britches, and acts out on folks' behalf, even when the folks say opposite of what it's doing.

In conclusion: I enjoyed this, and agree with it. Felt you did really well at conveying your message, but again, did it in an understandable and relateable method. Well done, and as they say, write on.


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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Well, hello there: I found this on the review page of the WDC Power Reviewers so I had to snag a peek.

What I love about your work: This is lush with imagery and a beautiful mystique that wraps around my mind, begging me to look deeper and fall in love with the setting. I loved Death, there was such an elegance to her that made me want to fall in step behind and see what she stirred up.

Why I could relate to your work: Ever read Kate Forsyth's "The Witches of Eileanan" series? It's beautiful and honestly one of my favorite works ever!!! Anyway, your story brought her to mind, just a tantalizing treat for the senses.

My suggestions: My first piece of advice to most authors is to read your work out loud. If there are sentences that throw you off, even just a little bit, they are tripping your readers up something awful. There were a few sentences in here that didn't work the way they were worded, and you would likely catch them if you read it out loud, especially to someone else who might notice it even if you don't.

My second is a couple of programs designed to help strengthen your writing. Run this through autocrit.com, it will help catch repetitive words and phrases. "pale" is mentioned five times in this story, four of which take place in the first paragraph. Autocrit will help catch it, and then wordhippo.com will help you find different words to cover the same thing. The same description so close together distracts from the story, and this is too pretty of a story to lose attention.

Any noticeable typos: Anything I saw I think is covered by my suggestions, but to be fair, I was deeply immersed in your story so it's hard to spot errors.

My favorite line(s): I liked the opening. It was beautiful, enticing, and despite the over-abundance of "pale" ;), it grabbed me with the descriptions and promised this would be a worth-while read.

In conclusion: I think this has a lot of potential, and is really lovely, but it needs some work to make it spectacular. Check out those sites, and as I tell most everyone, read your story out loud. It helps catch what we fix in our minds when we read in our heads. An interesting excerpt, as they say, write on.


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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, hello there: I found you on the reviewing page for the WDC Power Reviewers, and wow...

What I love about your work: I'm kinda reeling over the beauty of this piece. It is crammed with delicious detail and stunning imagery, making me sing-song it, but not get bored or lose interest. It was truly a gorgeous piece.

Why I could relate to your work: I could picture the scene, having enjoyed the snow myself, and see this little creature stirring despite its want to sleep, thus needing to forage. I loved it.

My suggestions: While the last two stanzas didn't break me out of rhythm, this one did "Crossing grasses, maunders 'bout like many a time before," I had to reread it a couple of times to get back into that back and forth pattern this lulls us into. I think, perhaps a comma after 'bout to keep it in the same pattern as the rest of the stanza.

"sniff an snort" An is just a substitute for A, but before a word that starts with a vowel, so I don't think it's correct just as is. I think it should be an' to smooth it out and mark it as not being a substitute for A but an abbreviation of and. Just my take on it though.

Any noticeable typos: Asides from what I mentioned above, I didn't see anything that pulled me out of this gorgeous piece.

My favorite line(s): "Slumbered stirs, nestle tight, gentle rousts, by morning's light
Woe to them that travel near, be mice, or man, and even deer." I enjoyed this because it was a strong opening, and set the tone for the rest of your work.

In conclusion: I'm not a big fan of poetry, but this was beautiful, and kept me hooked from beginning to end. I loved the flow, the winter blossoming into spring, it was just gorgeous. Well done, and as they say, write on.


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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Thought I'd give you a review as a congrats for earning yourself a spot on the
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#1635349 by Not Available.


What I love about your work: This certainly touches on an important subject that is impacting every single person in the world. It reminds us to do our part, that even simply picking up trash is enough to begin working towards a difference. If we don't step up, we're going to destroy ourselves and I think you did a wonderful article that expressed this without being overly preachy.

Why I could relate to your work: I've taught my daughters that not only do we clean up after ourselves when we're out in nature, but we try to leave the place better. They go to school and pick up the playgrounds at recess enough that they've been rewarded by the aides. I think it's very important to do because so many people don't bat an eye at trashing wherever they go, shudder.

My suggestions: This line read a bit awkward to me "Why is there smog in certain cities that you have to wear a mask just to go outside?" I think it might be missing something like "so much smog in" or "so bad that" or something along those lines to help it run smoother.

Any noticeable typos: Asides from what I mentioned above, I didn't see anything that leaped out at me.

My favorite line(s): If you enjoy traveling and visit all the scenic areas throughout the world, we must do our part to keep it beautiful and safe for us to enjoy." Yes and double yes. It's just not that hard to pick up after yourself. It's terrible what people leave behind despite having shown up in the first place to enjoy the natural beauty. Ugh.

In conclusion: Again, this is a strong piece that I enjoyed because it didn't feel holier than thou and imparted an important lesson. I like that you do point out how we're plundering the earth but without overly demonizing humankind, which I think is an important line to straddle to encourage people to actually listen instead of tuning you out. Well done, and as they say, write on.


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Review of Illicit  Open in new Window.
Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: Um, jaw dropping, not what I expected. I mean, yeah, the title says Illicit, but I didn't really expect it. Nor when it started out with the description of food did I see it coming. I thought it was going to be about the temptation of food while trying to play the perfect mother at one of the soccer games. So, this took me by surprise, but was very well written. Such a naughty meeting, but you wove it in beautifully and only alluded to the details. Well done.

Why I could relate to your work: This grabbed my attention because well, saying this with pride, I'm a soccer mom, but just for the record, I'm not that kind of soccer mom. All of my bathroom trips are to accompany little munchkins cause they shouldn't be going in on their own.

My suggestions: Anywho, I have no suggestions. I loved the flow of this, the build-up, the climax (oh yeah, pun intended) and the conclusion. What a hot, erotic encounter, and you described it all very tastefully so there was no feeling like I should avert my eyes or something.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that pulled my attention from your words.

My favorite line(s): "Wedding ring glimmers
In a ten o'clock sun.
Gold shoved into the pocket of my jeans,
Hidden like another bit of lint." Oh, it's going to be this kind of poem is it. This was truly the knock against my head that this wasn't quite what I was prepped for. Kind of like following after Alice at this point, I knew I was headed down the sexy times rabbit hole, and I had to follow to see how it all played out. Again, beautifully done.

In conclusion: I'm very impressed with how you approached this and liked the layout. Well written. As they say, write on.



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Review of 30 Minute Dash  Open in new Window.
Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: I love how you made such mundane details in life so interesting and humorous. I found myself chuckling and identifying with you even though I don't do coffee nor do I blog. I loved the natural ease of your writing, it flowed smoothly and kept me entertained from the beginning to the end.

Why I could relate to your work: I understand that waste of time in the morning. Mine's spent on the Simpsons Tapped Out and this gorgeous Seeker's game. It's addicting, shhh, look away, don't judge!!! It's hard to motivate yourself out of the time traps, but I think if this is what you're doing instead, it's a worthwhile venture.

My suggestions: I don't have any. I loved reading every aspect of this. The ending wrapped it up nicely and left me chuckling, but the opening did a good job of grabbing my attention as well. This was a great piece that took what could have been considered average moments and made them feel extraordinary with your fun perception.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that pulled me out of your words.

My favorite line(s): Nope, no favorites. I truly enjoyed the whole thing.

In conclusion: Not what I expected, but oh, such a fun surprise. This entertained me from beginning to end and was easy to relate to. Well done, and welcome to the WDC.


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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well, hello there: I found this on the review page of the WDC Power Reviewers, and thought I'd give it a shot.

What I love about your work: To be fair, I entered into reading this completely ignorant of Eva's story, and having no clue what I was getting into, but I really enjoyed it. I imagined this young woman on a stage with the scarf, backlit with a soft red or blue for a more dramatic look, every movement big and dramatic to pull us into the beautiful story.

Why I could relate to your work: I remember when I was little and seeing previews for Evita with Madonna. I assumed it was based on a real woman, but I was too little to appreciate her impact. I looked her up after reading your niece's piece, and wow, what an impressive woman. I definitely think this monologue did her justice.

My suggestions: I don't really have any. I think the words are powerful, the transitions well chosen, and the conclusion a nice wrap up of the entire piece. It's more lines than I would want to say in front of an audience so kudos to your niece, but I definitely think this was well done.

Any noticeable typos: Nothing stood out to me.

In conclusion: I went into this blind and came out of with a much better appreciation of a driving force in Argentina. And though I don't know your niece, I could totally picture the way this played out thanks to the transitions and the strength of the words.


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Review of Being Naked  Open in new Window.
Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: Your faith comes through loud and clear with your work. I can read it and sense your devotion to God, can practically taste it in your words, but you write it with a reverence that makes it feel genuine and not condescending or preachy.

Why I could relate to your work: As someone raised in Christianity, I can relate the feeling of vulnerability that happens when you open yourself up to God. It's not easy to look inside of yourself and acknowledge all the bad as well as the good, but that's what happens when you are "naked" in the spiritual sense.

My suggestions: I have only one and that's simply because I have a sarcastic mind that instantly responded to the end question. I'm not entirely sure I'm a fan of that last line. I can see the intended conclusion, but for someone who is sarcastic and looks at things more with a humor, it came away different for me. It also didn't feel like a finishing line to me. But otherwise, I think this flowed well, exposed your soul for us to see your devotion, and carried a strong message.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that pulled me out of your words.

My favorite line(s): "Being naked before God isn’t a glorious thing.
It’s being vulnerable, exposed, humbled, and disgusting to look at
With nowhere else to go." I thought this came across as truly beautiful and sincere, daring us to look into our darkest corners and lay it out there.

In conclusion: I think this is a wonderful devotional piece that really captures the strength of your faith. Well done, and as they say, write on.


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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: Aw, such a bittersweet piece, revealing the beauty of young love but knowing it ends six feet under. Sandy definitely strikes me as someone innocent and stuck forever carrying the memory of love lost too soon.

Why I could relate to your work: Thankfully I've never lost a boyfriend to death, but as someone who's been married for over twelve years, the idea of being in Sandy's shoes is enough to make my heart clench into a hard knot. I've threatened my husband that I get to die first or we have to die at the same time because I cannot imagine my life without him. He's my best friend and my smile at the beginning and end of every day. So, yeah, this piece touched that aspect of my life.

My suggestions: I do have a few. I enjoyed the build-up of the characters and leading into their romance from the point of loss. However, I would suggest, if you get a chance to go google passive voice. If you can learn to eliminate the passive voice from the story, or at least tone it down, your work will pop.

A couple lines felt repetitive.

For instance: "As she reflected more on that notion, she felt a deep pang in her heart. A feeling that had become all too familiar. It was the kind of pain that seemed to swim through you slowly, like a river just down from the hillside, spreading across the flat land after a heavy rain." I would remove the second line, perhaps simply replacing deep in the first line with familiar. Otherwise, you have three lines in a row about the feeling of pain. And while this is a story about about pain, it can be consolidated a bit.

Showing versus telling is something you want to keep in mind when writing a piece. I would love to be seeing her memories instead of "listening" to them, if that makes sense.

"It was always hard to think about that day that all their dreams came to a crashing halt." That is considered a filler word and often isn't needed at all, but when it's used twice in one sentence, it's distracting. Perhaps, "It was always hard to think about the day all their dreams came to a crashing halt." might work a bit smoother.

And my last suggestion is merely an aesthetic one, but trying to keep the format consistent will help keep your reader immersed in the story. I noticed a few places where there wasn't an extra space between the paragraphs, and it just detracted from the story. Super minor and easy to fix, but will help make sure the reader's attention isn't pulled away.

Any noticeable typos: I noticed a few minor punctuation and grammar things, but below are the typos that distracted me from your otherwise very touching story.

"Isn't it pretty to think so" This is the opening line and there should be a question mark at the end of it.

"The magic of that moment with the colorful fireworks bursting into the night sky, was as etched into her mind now, as his name was into this granite stone in front of her. " The comma use threw me for a loop. I think it should be more along these lines: The magic of that moment, with the colorful fireworks bursting into the night sky, was as etched into her mind now as his name was into this (though the would work better than this) granite stone in front of her. However, don't hold me on that one. Commas and I are not friends and sometimes, I'm totally off my rocker.

In conclusion: It never seems fair when one reads about love lost so young. It definitely tugged on my heart strings and made me ache for poor Sandy. Quite a sweet read, and I definitely see a ton of potential in your work. With a little polishing, this could really shine. I enjoyed reading it and loved how tender and innocent their romance was, even if cut horribly short. Welcome to the WDC and as they say, write on.


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Review of The Siren  Open in new Window.
Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: I love the characters and the world you built up. The action felt strong, and had me struggling right alongside with them. I found myself wanting to read more, and hoping a romance is budding :P, and I'm not even a horribly romantical type of person.

Why I could relate to your work: Well, I've been watching The Expanse on the the sy-fy channel so I instantly understood the whole gravity thing. And then, I can't explain why, but Firefly came to mind too as I was reading this. My guessing is because you have this beautiful world of intrigue and desperation, miserable desert combined with air ships. It just spoke to my inner sci-fi fan.

My suggestions: I see we have an ailment in common, thatinitus. In the first few paragraphs, the introduction I guess, 'that' is said three times. At least two can be removed and not impact the flow of the sentences. It's a filler word and the less times it's used in a story, the better. In the first non-italicized paragraph, that is used six times. It was definitely distracting from the story, but once I got past the first few paragraphs, the rest of the story gripped me, so if you could tweak the wording to eliminate most of those 'that's' it would read much smoother.

I also suggest working on trying to get rid of the passive voice. It felt a bit clunky in a few spots because of the passive voice, but I think a little polishing, maybe run it through autocrit.com, will help clean it up.

Any noticeable typos: To be fair, I was really immersed in your story and it would have had painfully obvious to tear me out. I didn't see anything capable of managing that.

My favorite line(s): "In the desert, winter ruled with as harsh a hand as high summer." I know, probably not what you expected but having lived in the high desert, I could relate to this instantly and it completely set the environment for me. High desert means heat stroke in the summer and snow in the winter, cruel and unforgiving beauty.

In conclusion: I very much enjoyed this story. I loved the main characters, and you did a wonderful job on giving us enough of her history woven through the story to make us care about her future. I loved you gave us her said history without doing an information dump. That is a mad skill to have and one so few authors have mastered. Kudos. Overall, I really liked how this progressed. I wanted to know more, cared about the outcome, and was pleased to see her ultimately get away, even rethink her cynicism about the world. Well done, and as they say, write on.


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Review of Black Heart  Open in new Window.
Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: I knew better to click on this, I really did, but I had to anyway, and despite it being only four lines and nineteen words long, it hit my heart with a good solid punch. You captured those last few moments in a beautiful, painful tribute.

Why I could relate to your work: I've put down a few animals in my lifetime, but my first cat stands out the most to me. I'd had her since she was a few weeks old (she was a stray that followed my father in) and when I was twelve, her kidneys failed her. The vet gave me the option of letting her wallow in pain for a few more days or putting her down. I held her while they injected her, and she purred all the way to the end. Sorry, I'm sure this doesn't help, but thought I'd let you know why I am tearing up as I'm writing this.

My suggestions: I don't have any. I think this is well done, and straight to the point. Tugged at my heart strings and definitely left me thinking about it when I was done.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that stood out.

In conclusion: This was well done, and absolutely heart-breaking. I'm sorry for any loss that has inspired it, but know you're not alone in your grief. Many of us know how much it hurts to part ways with a beloved, furry family member. Anywho, welcome to the WDC.


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Review of Going Places  Open in new Window.
Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: This cracked me up, for so many reasons. I loved the rhyming scheme and how everything came with reprimanding for the little brother getting too frisky. Very cute.

Why I could relate to your work: Ah, multiple reasons. Being the oldest, I know what it's like trying to curb the more troublesome sibling. Rotten little sister :P. And in a horrible (horrible because I'm a horrible person and chuckled at the connection) way, the beginning of this made me think of current events.

My suggestions: I don't have any. I enjoyed the flow, thought this told a great story, connected us with both children, and tickled my funny bone.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that stood out.

My favorite line(s): "Hold my hand and stay by me.
Or I’ll take you back to that monkey!" Lol, aw yes, when all else fails, threaten them with the monkey! Did I mention I could relate to this as the older sister? Hmmm.

In conclusion: I thoroughly enjoyed this and am glad I picked it out of your profile. It's sweet, innocent, and left me smiling still even as I wrote your review. Beautifully done, and happy anniversary.


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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: I enjoyed the description of the memories, and the moon. It was purty, though I did find myself wondering what happened to her. I'm not entirely sure if she died or left him, but his ache came through loud and clear.

Why I can relate: As I was reading this, I thought it made me think of the Writer's Cramp, so I went and took a peek and was pleased to see your entry there. Whoot whoot. You did so well on weaving the Solstice in that I figured it out. Oh yeah ;).

My suggestions: At times, the way this is worded felt a little too clunky, almost repetitive. I think perhaps this falls into the idea of telling versus showing, but I think some of the beginning may benefit from thinning it out and focusing more detail on his relationship with Daniela. Of course, that's just my perspective.

I recommend using autocrit.com. It will help point out weak spots in the story, passive voice, repetition, etc. I swear by it, but it might help smooth this out a little more.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that stood out to me.

My favorite line(s): "He looked up at the sky full of moon. So alluring it was, so bright and graceful, lighting the galaxy. " This just seemed so pretty to me, and combined with the winter helped bring a frosty chilliness to the scene.

In conclusion: This was pretty and romantic and sad, and with a bit of polishing, could really shine. I enjoyed reading it, and am sure so did the Cramp judge. Nicely done, and welcome to the WDC.


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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: I love the interaction of the two boys, and how big brother is trying to preach but his audience is just too young. It's adorable.

Why I could relate to your work: I was very religious when I was younger too, I asked Jesus into my heart when I was three and went to church multiple times a week, and I can remember being as enthusiastic as your son. So, stirred up long ago memories and made me smile.

My suggestions: The verbs switch between present and past fairly constantly, which makes it hard to connect to the story. I think it should either be all past "was, had, were" or present "is, am, are".

Any noticeable typos: "My son Kaleb,is seven years old." Either a comma needs to go before Kaleb as well or the lone comma needs to be removed. As it stands, with the position of that comma, it reads as an unfinished sentence.

My favorite line(s): "Kaleb- (sounding startled) You don't love God?" I can just imagine the indignation of your son, sounds too cute.

In conclusion: I always enjoy pieces about the entertaining moments our children bring into our life. This was quite cute. Happy anniversary.



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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: What a depressingly dark take on a clown, but I enjoyed that aspect a lot. Deliciously disturbing, I enjoyed the climax and the idea of spreading laughter about.

Why I could relate to your work: I handle everything with laughter. Hate to say it, I would probably be laughing too even as I tried to get help for poor Bobo. And admittedly, I have a morbid sense of humor.

My suggestions: My biggest complaint is that I'm not a fan of the format. I found myself wanting to hit enter to help the story, and it definitely distracted me a bit. Otherwise, I don't have any other suggestions. I enjoyed the flow, the content was delightfully grim, and it was a pleasure to read.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't see anything that stood out to me (other than the format ;) )

My favorite line(s): "I ran off to find little Jimmy to share my good news, and to see if I couldn’t make him laugh as well." Such a horrible though strong conclusion that left one shaking their head and imagining the horror poor Jimmy is about to be exposed to. I really feel like this was the perfect ending line to this story.

In conclusion: I liked this quite a bit, and not what I expected when I clicked on this. So twisted and sad, and funny in the worse way :D. Well done. And as they say, write on.



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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: This was all very believable. Heck, going to your 10-year-reunion is scary for I think most people, but I can't imagine being in this scenario. How utterly terrifying. I loved the ending, though it didn't come as a surprise. When someone teases that much, my first thought is "methinks the lady doth protest too much".

Why I could relate to your work: As a bisexual female who took years to even recognize I might lean that way, I understand burying that side of yourself to fit into expectations.

My suggestions: "had an 'oh my god has it been ten years already' revelation" after the "oh my god...sweating" line felt too repetitive. I know the story is trying to establish voice, but it just felt like too much within only a couple of lines apart. I actually reread it to make sure I read it correctly.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't really notice anything blatantly distracting from your story, only minor grammar things, nothing I could even remember five minutes later :P.

My favorite line(s): "Whenever I walked past they'd all jump and turn their ass away from me just in case I couldn't hold back my urges." This was my favorite in the sense that it truly established what this poor guy had to endure. Such bullarchy and cruelty dished out to hide a side of themselves that they fear. Yikes.

In conclusion: I thought this was an interesting read that anyone who has been to their ten-year can identify with, even if they're straight or bi or not into any of that fun. Overall, it flowed pretty well, presented believable characters and an easy to identify with situation. And like I said, loved the ending. Nicely done, and as they say, write on.


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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well, hello there: Admittedly, when I read the title and saw the picture, I was afraid this was uh, well, more along the erotica genre than I wanted to read. I've stumbled across a lot of giantess porn, I mean erotica, on here, and wasn't real keep on reading more of it. But I thought I'd give it a chance...

What I love about your work: And I'm so glad I did. This is a really intriguing story-line. I felt very immersed and love Tina as the main protagonist. I definitely felt like this story worked with all of the reader's senses, and just sucked you into the story. I'm going to read the other two parts that are up in the review section, probably not today, but soon cause by golly, I want to know what happens to Tina and does she embrace the potential she has?

Why I could relate to your work: I am a sucker for a strong female protagonist. And while I don't have eight feet behind me, I do have 5'9 and have always felt out of place among average height women. So, I definitely felt a kinship with Tina.

My suggestions: "When she finally reached a platform her breathing was ragged, coppery taste in her mouth." This line didn't flow right, maybe change "was" to "produced a".

I also noticed you tend to use a lot of "and then" or even just "and" in your sentences. It tends to weaken the story, especially when there's not commas before them. I would recommend running your story through autocrit (awesome program) that helps pick out where your passive voice is coming out, repetition, etc. I love this story, but I think it could definitely benefit from some polishing.

Any noticeable typos: The biggest issue I noticed is the commas. Reading through, saw many spots where a comma would smooth out the writing. But I can't say much as commas are the bane of my writing existence, and drive me crazy. Either I have too many or too few. Anywho, autocrit might help with that too.

My favorite line(s): I don't know that I have a favorite line. I really enjoyed the part where she was at Gwen's house though and embraced who she is. While I don't necessarily agree with Tina's perception of her friend's career choice, I absolutely loved how she used it to discover herself.

In conclusion: I enjoyed this way more than I thought I would. I expected to read a few lines in, wrinkle my nose, and close it down in favor of something less fetish orientated. But this blew my expectations out of the water and left me wanting to read more. I love the sci-fi feel, but without being overly done. This feels realistic and you've produced very convincing characters. This feels like a strong story-line, and being buried in a world of debt and self doubt is something I think most readers can connect with. I will definitely be reading more, well done. As they say, write on.


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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: Very heartfelt, and sad. A lot of emotion packed into this poem, and you did really well at conveying a story.

My suggestions: "Thought we’d be together till were old and grey,
But street life owned your heart." These lines disrupted the flow for me, but I'm not entirely sure it isn't because of the were. I had to reread it a couple of times and that could have easily thrown me off rhythm. But the second line seems so abrupt compared to the first, it just kind of dropped me.

Any noticeable typos: "Thought we’d be together till were old and grey, " I think this is supposed to be "we're" or if it is meant to be were, it doesn't read smoothly at all, and might be better reworded.

My favorite line(s): Honestly, I liked the opening and the ending. It felt full circle and was a strong conclusion.

In conclusion: This was a very sad, sincere feeling piece that showed the pain of losing someone to a darker aspect of life. Well done, and welcome to the WDC.


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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: I don't know why, but the idea of porcelain tears pulled me in right from the beginning. It sounds so pretty and haunting all at once. I also loved the description of the the games the little girls played with their dear Hattie.

Why I could relate to your work: Growing up, I was concerned my toys were alive and when I would have to get rid of them, I'd feel so much guilt. Even now, maybe especially now after the Toy Story series, it's still a concern :P. So, this story hit a note with me.

My suggestions: My biggest complaint is the passive voice in this (and it's something I notice because it's also a weakness of mine). Passive voice forces the story into more of a telling scenario than showing, and as a reader, it makes it a bit harder for me to connect to the characters.

Any noticeable typos: "after glow" This is actually one word, afterglow.

There were a few more minor things such as punctuation and grammar, but if you run it through something like word or even autocrit, that should help it.

My favorite line(s): "'Twas then that I cried my porcelain tears." Ah, the first use of the porcelain tears. It set up such sadness, yet beauty.

In conclusion: I always enjoy when inanimate objects are given personalities, but like I mentioned earlier, does make me paranoid about the things I've gotten rid of. It's my inner hoarder coming out ;). Anywho, this was an interesting story that made one think about our special items, and how they impact those later in our lives. It was bittersweet, beautiful but sad, and not sure at the end whether I should feel pity or delayed excitement for the next time Hattie comes out. Nicely done, and as they say, write on.


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Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: This definitely tugged at one's heartstrings, and made me ache for the momma. What a terrible situation.

Why I could relate to your work: I once awoke to my cat having been in so much pain during labor that she climbed up in bed with me and gave birth to a still born kitten. I found its half-cleaned body next to my pillow, and it was both horrifying and heart-breaking all at once. This made me think of that moment.

My suggestions: "it ached to move." This line bothered me because I found myself wondering what ached to move? For the entire thing, the momma was known as a she, and this switch to "it" disconnects the reader from the dog.

I also don't know the limitations of the contest, but this seems like it would be stronger if it were fleshed out more. There's a lot of heartache to be explored here, a lot of details that could be added to really make it pop for the reader.

Any noticeable typos: "The dog lay unblinking beside the still body of her last pup" I think a comma before and after unblinking would help this read a bit smoother.

In conclusion: This definitely made me feel so much sorrow over all the dogs in the world who have had to share her situation. Being alone when you're hurting is a terrible place to be. Anywho, an interesting read. Welcome to the WDC, and as they say, write on.


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Review of My Family of Cats  Open in new Window.
Review by Siobhan Falen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, hello there: I found you on the random review page, and what a sweet tribute.

What I love about your work: The first part was so sweet and gentle, and then I love the second feels like she was the mistress of the house and you simply existed to do as commanded. It was very cute and well played.

Why I could relate to your work: While my cats never domineered me, I had a duck who knew exactly how to put me in my place. I was there to feed her, snuggle her, and be a resting nest for her when she just wanted to chill. So, this cracked me up.

My suggestions: I do not have any suggestions. I liked the flow, the layout was nice, and I think it was a beautiful tribute to a special soul who touched yours.

Any noticeable typos: Again, didn't see anything that just smacked me in the face.

My favorite line(s): "She’d tell me she owns me

I’m hers, I’m not free." I just loved how this flipped. How it went from that sweet, delicate feel to, you're not free, you are hers, and that comes with a certain amount of demands. It made me laugh out loud.

In conclusion: I think you did a great job with this and really captured the personality of your mistress, I mean, kitten. I'm sorry for your loss, but it is obvious she left a lasting paw-print on your heart. Well done, and as they say, write on.


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