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Review of Visiting Sharon  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is being made as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's *BalloonR* Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid! *BalloonR*!

Totally swinging by with a 7 year party favor review! Hope it is of some use to you.

What I love about your work: Dang, this was an incredibly touching story that well, touched too close to home. The very real heartache and abandonment was evident here and you just did a phenomenal job bringing the characters to life.

Why I could relate to your work: I consider the father in this story to be a "sperm donor" (gross term but oh so accurate). They have families, get bored with one and move on to the next. You end up with a string of awkward half siblings who would like to be close but don't know how to get past the angry mothers, and their own feelings of inadequacy. I do understand the protagonist very well and am glad to see that she's made peace in the end.

My suggestions: I did not have any suggestions. I thought this was well written and brought the characters to life. I empathized with the main character and felt her pain, not at her father's passing but at his living. Some people are just too selfish to for anyone's good.

Any noticeable typos: "I thought the wine a well-earned reward for what lay ahead om arrival in this state of right angles." Um, I think "om" is supposed to be "on" or "of my"?! Maybe, perhaps... but I'm confident "om" is incorrect.

My favorite line(s): " Hot tears prick my eyes but I blink them away; I promised myself long ago never to waste another tear on that man, and I won’t go back on that promise today." Such strength and deserved fury.

In conclusion: I enjoyed this immensely. It was heart-breaking, emboldening, strong, and connected on so many levels. Well done.


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Review of The Fighter  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well, hello there: Found you on random reviews and thought I'd drop a note in honor of WDC Power Reviewers 7th Anniversary Party.

What I love about your work: I liked how you built up the history of Auturo, that professional fighting is not merely a flaunt of muscle, but so much more. It was an interesting peek into a different world.

My suggestions: I would recommend working on the passive voice in here. Google passive voice, google can explain it better. To make your story pop, you should try rewording it so you don't need to use "had", "was" and "were".

I also would suggest that you focus more on showing us the story, not just telling us. Share some of the experiences that lead him to where he is today.

Any noticeable typos: I didn't really see anything that pulled me out of the story.

My favorite line(s): "The promoter he was working with was as pompous as you could get." Darn pompous promoters, I've ran into a few myself so I understand the frustration./c}

In conclusion: This story could really shine with some polishing. I'd like to see some of the experiences that have put him where he is and am definitely intrigued to see how the fight plays out. Nicely done and as they say, write on.


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is being made as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's *BalloonR* Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid! *BalloonR*!

Totally swinging by with a 7 year party favor review! Hope it is of some use to you.

What I love about your work: I love how it started out as almost a frenzied mystery, gotta love family; but developed into something so much more touching and beautiful. It was a sweet moment captured in your words and well done.

My suggestions: Something I noticed (cause I do it myself) is the passive voice in here. Your story would pop so much more if you went through and eliminated words like "was", "had" and/or "were". Google passive voice to help you out, google knows all.

Also, try to make sure you keep the past, present and future tenses written in properly. There were a coupe of spots that threw me because they switched between past and present.

"I really did mean to travel for a visit, but I just haven't had the cash avail." It felt awkward to have available abbreviated. If it were part of the conversation, I think it would be okay, but given you're letting us know about his financial state (even casually), it would be better written out.

Noticeable typos: I didn't really notice anything, other than what I listed, that sucked me out of the story.

In conclusion: I think this was a very sweet tale, and with a little bit of polishing, I think it will really shine. That ring sounds like such a beautiful touch, quite the token of love. As they say, write on!


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Review of torned  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well, hello there: I found you on the random reviews and decided to leave a word in honor of WDC Power Reviewers 7 Year anniversary party.

What I love about your work: I felt the heartache and betrayal in this and my heart absolutely ached with you. You captured your emotions poignantly in this piece.

Why I could relate to your work: I've certainly endured the slap in the face betrayal of someone you love cheating on you. There is no greater knife in the heart than realizing you're not enough for someone who was the world to you. So, I ached with you as I read this.

My suggestions: "I believed you, believed what you said, I believed your every lies." Honestly, "lies" here throws me off considering the way you wrote that line. It would read better if it were "lie".

Any noticeable typos: "But I was just another pon on your game board" "pon" should be "pawn".

My favorite line(s): "I can never forget you; I can never hate you," The worse feeling ever, knowing you should hate them and move on, but incapable of doing so because they have such a strong hold on your heart. Well captured.

In conclusion: You poured your soul into these words for me to read and my heart broke for you. Tragically beautiful.


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Totally swinging by with a 7 year party favor review! Hope it is of some use to you.

What I love about your work: Not a huge fan of romance but you built these characters up in such a way I couldn't help but fall in love with them and want to see how their paths intertwined. I loved your description of the cabin and could picture it in my mind. Beautifully done.

Why I could relate to your work: I grew up going to camp up in the mountains and those mountains are one of the few places I've ever felt truly at peace. When we go on our camping trips, I don't ever want to leave... so I connected to this sense of peace she got from her cabin, a place away from the path that ended up going so astray.

My suggestions: I would recommend trying to reword this so that the passive voice is more or less removed. Google passive voice, it explains better than I do. That includes removing words like "was", "were", and "had". It'll make your story pop and hopefully eliminate some of the awkward sentences I stumbled across.

Noticeable typos: I did not see anything other than a couple of awkward sentences to pull my attention from your story.

My favorite line(s): "Angela’s Mom held Isabella who laughed and gurgled. " Being a momma, I was horrified by the accident and feared the worse, but that line right there captured little Isabella was doing just fine. I liked that touch.

In conclusion: I am pleasantly surprised because like I said, not a huge fan of romance. However, this came together very nicely and showed a woman finding her footing after being let loose in one of the cruelest fashions possible. Nicely done.


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Review of Committed.  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is being made as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's *BalloonR* Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid! *BalloonR*!

Totally swinging by with a 7 year party favor review! Hope it is of some use to you.

What I love about your work: Well, first off, you made me not want to go to the mental ward (not that it was high on my to do list). You captured a great deal of energy and emotion with this piece and I think quite a fascinating job at writing out a low or high point, depending on your view, of your life. Well done.

Why I could relate to your work: I once had to be picked up from the police station when I was seventeen, I can relate to feeling the need to lie to get through a moment and having it land you in unexpected places.

My suggestions: Well, I do have a few. The first being make sure you fix the format. It doesn't seem that big of a deal, except for as a reader, it is very distracting. The formatting currently bounces around a lot and it keeps pulling my attention from the story.

Secondly, try to remove the passive voice from your story. Google "passive voice", it will explain better than I can. But you want to use words like "has", "was", "were", "that" as little as possible. If you can reword your sentences to avoid those terms, your story will pop ever so much more.

And my last big one is I think you should explain your girlfriend situation a bit more. You bring her up in the beginning, but don't really explain her piece in this story. Not to mention, what went down with all the madness that ensued? If she's not involved with the story or doesn't have a greater place in it, you might want to omit her tale all together. It felt out of place and was just one detail that detracted from the focus of your lie.

Noticeable typos: I only found this line "“Fine, it went about as good as it could go. They were both just surprised,” I reply. I brushed her hair off my pillow and fell back asleep." which should be another line and not in the same paragraph as his girlfriend speaking.

My favorite line(s): "My apologies to the nurse who brought me the food, but pills triumph." Having been in and out of the hospital for the last year, I feel ya on this line. Amen :D

In conclusion: Overall, I found this to be an interesting tale that took us on your trip down the rabbit hole. It sounds like it helped you see life a little differently and it was certainly an intriguing adventure. Granted, intriguing in the sense that I'll enjoy it through your words and try to avoid sharing in it :P. Anywho, well done.


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Review of Calypso  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is being made as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's *BalloonR* Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid! *BalloonR*!

Totally swinging by with a 7 year party favor review! Hope it is of some use to you.

What I love about your work: I enjoyed the idea of Calypso being the accidental cause of so much disaster and I liked her and Echo teaming up to try to break the curse. It was quite an interesting and fun concept.

Why I could relate to your work: My father's side is quite Greek so I grew up on tales of mythology and even know a little tiny bit of Greek, so this grabbed my attention right off the bat. Always fun to find a new take on something ancient.

My suggestions: Honestly, I would recommend this be made longer, perhaps with more obstacles in the path. The fun part about mythology is that it was never a quick trip to the end. So, I would recommend, if you can, just building this up.

Noticeable typos: " “Can you show yourself? I here you’re a friend of Calypso, and I’m trying to save Calypso.”" Wrong kind of "here", it should be "hear".

My favorite line(s): "Ajax nodded eagerly. The receptionist pursed her lips and held up a mirror. She procured a stick of bright red lipstick. As she applied it, she spoke. “Too late, buddy. Job already filled.”" To me, this makes that receptionist sound like a grade a . . . not a nice person and I think captured his enthusiasm for a necessity.

In conclusion: I enjoyed this quite a bit and had fun seeing where it lead. Poor Echo. Nicely done and as they say, write on.


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well, hello there: I found you on the random reviews and wanted to leave behind a few words.

What I love about your work: You captured the very real fear of being different, not fitting in. I love the flow of your words, you made it rhyme without butchering the sentences or losing the meaning. That is often a hard fence to straddle, but you did it quite well.

Why I could relate to your work: My family jokes that I'm a Sunshine Carebear with a storm cloud on my belly, because I don't fit the normal expectations of society either. We all have our quirks, our dark side, our odd side, that we keep hidden for fear of rejection. Eventually, you learn you don't need anyone's approval and become content with who you are. It's just a matter of how soon you choose to embrace that side of yourself. So, lol, I can totally relate to this poem.

Any noticeable typos: Just a couple of punctuation problems. For instance, this set of lines: "I have ideas, I have feelings,
All trapped inside me,
I wish someone could see,
How badly I want to set them free." has too many commas in it. I would honestly change the comma after "me" into a period, but if you really don't want it to be a separate sentence, I think a semi-colon is at least an appropriate substitute.

My favorite line(s): "I think twice before I speak,
I don't want to sound like a freak." So totally feel this set of lines. It took me a long time to realize that being a "freak" was way more fun than pretending to be someone I'm not. Loved these lines, think they catch the protagonist's self doubt very well.

In conclusion: I am quite confident that at some point in everyone's life, they feel the same as the words you shared with us. We all have our moments where we question our place in life, how others will perceive us, and I like how you captured the emotions. Nicely done.


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Review of Puppeteer  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: You've created quite a dark world, a miserable place, that tugged at my imagination and made me want to know more.

Why I could relate to your work: As a huge fan of sci-fi, fantasy, etc., this completely captured my imagination. Though for the record, I want to read more.

My suggestions: First off, I would suggest adding in more apparent line breaks. Just a formatting thing that helps ease the strain on your reader's eyes. Otherwise, all the lines of text tend to blur together.

Also, I would love to read more. This felt as if we were plopped in the middle of a story and yanked out too soon. Would certainly like to know the events that lead up to these moments, and see the aftermath.

Any noticeable typos: Just one that stood out to me: "the disconnect has always been difficult for me. " I'm thinking "the" should be capitalized.

My favorite line(s): "However, this makes extricating myself from their minds difficult. Just like the living, the dead are greedy and grasping, stubborn to relinquish that which has been given them." I completely pictured the body not wanting to give up the soul that stepped inside, even if only for a brief time.

In conclusion: I think this would make an awesome story if you lengthened it up a bit. There's so much going on, but without any background, it's a little on the confusing side. However, it's well written and and very intriguing. Nicely done and happy anniversary.



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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: This cracked me up so hard. I read through the scattered thoughts, seeing the dots connect and enjoying the story along the way and laughed, quite a bit.

Why I could relate to your work: As a writer myself, this about sums up what writing is. Granted you're missing the paragraph about discovering you're a couple hundreds words above the word count and having to back through and sorting it down, but otherwise, perfect! This is pretty much the daily battle I face, though with less heads getting munched by the trolley.

My suggestions: I did not have any. I read through that with a big old smile plastered on my face and was eager to see how it concluded.

Any noticeable typos: I did not see anything that pulled me out of the story. Nicely done.

My favorite line(s): "Oh, this is GREAT STUFF! Wait until I tell Pam! I could kiss her for being so brilliant." Our inspirations often come from those closest to us, this was a cute and oh so truthful conclusion to a fun tale.

In conclusion: I loved this. I think it captured the life of a writer to a "T" and I loved how you worked all the different "voices" in with colors and bold. It worked so well for this story. Keep up the awesome writing and happy anniversary.



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Review of To be alive  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: Such a reminder of the fact we shouldn't take life for granted and should live for every moment we possibly can. I loved the exploration of the senses and the recognition that deprivation of one does not make a person any less.

Why I could relate to your work: I always believe in living life to the fullest and enjoying every moment given to us, so I totally felt the words of your poem. We must appreciate more than just what is in front of us cause there is so much more to experience.

My suggestions: "coz we ain't born coldblooded." I'm not a huge fan of this line at all. You've written this entire poem in a fairly formal tone and throwing the slang in there like that is distracting from the flow of your work.

"God created this world for our toil and so we appreciate life and
so we deserve the next one in heaven." This line also does not feel like a very strong clincher to such a monumental piece. The "and so" feels a little offbeat.

Any noticeable typos: Being a bit of a stickler for punctuation, there were a few punctuation things that distracted me, but otherwise, I didn't see anything obvious.

My favorite line(s): "For the blind every sound is precious,
for every voice they are grateful.
And every touch has meaning..."

In conclusion: This was an enjoyable reminder to do more than just survive, but to live. Nicely done.


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well, hello there: I ran across your story in the Short Stories Newsletter and had to take a peek.

What I love about your work: You built up a ghost story in such a natural, casual way, I loved it. I also enjoyed the characters as they all felt real. And admittedly, I ached when I read about Soupy's disappearance. It always makes me teary when a sibling is lost.

Why I could relate to your work: I love spooky stories and thought you did really well... the blue bead was an "uh oh, get outta there!" moment. Nicely done.

My suggestions: I did not have any, I loved how it all came together. I hope her gravestone finally grew silent since her protection was no longer there.

Any noticeable typos: I did not see anything that pulled me out of the story.

My favorite line(s): "A blue bead popped out." That single line was such a game changer. It went from being a silly adventure based on the say so of other folks, to a creepy "save yourselves" story.

In conclusion: I really enjoyed this and felt you did a wonderful job bringing everyone to life and creating a fun atmosphere that was a bit frightening and tragic at the same time. Well done and as they say, write on!


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Review of I Submit  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: Okay, thinking I may just have my dark sided glasses on, but with the darkened vision at the end and the opening of this, correct me if I'm wrong but is this a poem about an older couple and one starting to have a heart attack or something awful at the end? If that's the case, darn it, tragically beautiful. If it's not the case, still well done.

Why I could relate to your work: My mate makes my heart want to burst out of my chest and explode, just with a smile or a glance or the way he sleeps... so I can totally relate to the love captured in this piece. The admiration of those little moments of life.

My suggestions: "Feeling my increase heart speed" Considering how you have used "increase" in this line, I think it would flow better and be more correct as "increased". Otherwise, I think this has a wonderful flow and isn't in need of my suggestions.

My favorite line(s):"Your eyes meet mine
Your simple “What?”
Brightens my smile." Those simple moments in life, I love it.

In conclusion: I very much enjoyed this, whether my interpretation of it was correct or not. It was beautifully sweet. Well done and happy anniversary.



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Review of I'm a Survivor  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: You are so painfully honest in this and are baring your soul, admitting to something that many of us have tried and failed at.

Why I could relate to your work: I've always believed that creativity comes with a very powerful dark side. The greatest writers, artists, creative geniuses that I have been friends with were all tortured and diagnosed with something. Including myself. I have been in the same place as you. My last suicide attempt happened when I was eighteen and I took a bottle of aspirin and curled up in my truck in the middle of Az summer. My friend found me and thought I had heat stroke. I spent the rest of the day with my head in a toilet and was miserable because that was my... countless time of trying to take my life, but every failed attempt I kept quiet about. I've sensed lost my need to escape, but I still suffer from bouts of depression. So, lol, now that I've shared that with you, you can see why I understand what you wrote.

My suggestions: I would recommend finding a different way to push across the points in the first paragraph. The repetition was too much and I found myself scanning through to get to the next part.

Any noticeable typos: I did not see anything in there that pulled my attention from the message you were sending.

My favorite line(s): "I didn't want them to accuse me of just trying to get attention or of being crazy." Amen.

In conclusion: I rolled my eyes when I saw your description but I try to review newbies out of the newbie section so we all get some feedback, so I read it anyway. Now don't get me wrong, I have bawled like a baby over Robin Williams, but when I see stuff like that, I lose interest. However, I'm glad I decided to read your work anyway. It was well written, honest, concise, flowed well and carried a great message, without actually trying to cash in off Robin Williams. So, good job and thank you for surprising me. As they say, write on.


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Well, hello there: I found your story per a review request with the WDC Power Reviewers and thought I'd check you out.

What I love about your work: There is so much potential in this story, for the plot is intriguing and the journey through the mountains is interesting.

Why I could relate to your work: I love fantasy and am always attracted to stories that promise fantastical elements. Plus, dragons, need I say more.

My suggestions: Slow it down. The biggest hiccough I have with your story is you have the potential to have an amazing journey on your hands, but it feels rushed. You've got the bare bones, explore the venture through the mountains more, Eve's discovery of her power, her mother's imprisonment. You've got so much to explore in this tale, you should really take advantage of it.

I also think it would be a good idea to mention that the characters are teens somewhere near the beginning of the story. Sybil doesn't seem like a teen to me so without your explanation, I was reading her as an adult in my mind.

I would recommend adding details about the characters; physical appearances, quirks, fears, you want them to walk off the page into the reader's imagination.

Any noticeable typos: I was too immersed in the story to be distracted by minor typos.

In conclusion: I really think this story has a lot of potential, you just need to polish it to make it shine. Develop it some more, add a little more flare to your characters. . . you've got a beginning to the end story, all you need to do is provide a more in depth filling. An enjoyable tale; as they say, write on!


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Review of Heading to Earth  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: There is such loneliness and longing in this piece. You've certainly captured a feeling of desperation and isolation and longing.

Why I could relate to your work: I don't know if this was the intention, but this brought to mind Doctor Who. Just the sense that this being is the last of a doomed race and has traveled the universe but is still alone, and chooses Earth to be his/her last destination. Anyways, that is what this brought to mind for me.

My suggestions: I would recommend first changing the description of your work, a limerick doesn't really pay proper homage to what you're trying to do and sets the reader up with a false expectation of your work. Plus, it doesn't wave the banner and pull readers to your work. Perhaps use something that more accurately portrays the mood of this piece, "After you've searched the universe only to be empty-handed, what is left to do?" Something that captures the despair.

I'm also a little confused as the beginning of this work is about the narrator's isolation and how he hasn't found something to love more than being alone... but yet this changes into a farewell note to someone, someone he tells not to hang around too much after he's died. Did he actually find someone he cares about enough to say farewell to? More or less just letting you know how that came across to me.

Any noticeable typos: I did not notice any typos to distract from your work.

My favorite line(s): ""I've searched the universe for
Something that I could love more
Than being alone." Sometimes our isolation is self imposed and I liked how this hinted that the narrator's is.

In conclusion: I think you've got a nicely written piece with a lot of potential, but it needs a little tweaking. A tragic portrayal of sadness, isolation and a being's demise. Nicely done.


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well, hello there: I stumbled across your piece through random review and had to read it.

What I love about your work: I feel this is a fantastic reminder that college is not necessarily the end all that you should not let the pursuit of knowledge consume you. I think this is an important lesson that many folks should keep in mind when attempting to better themselves.

Why I could relate to your work: I know someone personally who let college taint her perspective and now is condescending to everyone, including her parents. It has made me hate being around her and I used to love her dearly. So, I know for a fact that a person can allow their core principles to be destroyed in their pursuit of book knowledge. I wish she would read this, but I'm not sure it would make a difference to her.

My suggestions: Some of your lines feel "too much". Perhaps tone down the over lavish language or maybe put in a few more line breaks, give the reader a little reprieve from sensory overload. That opening paragraph was a bit difficult to get through for that very reason.

Any noticeable typos: I think I did spot a few while reading through, but nothing so noticeable that it distracted from your story.

My favorite line(s): "Truly, people are somewhat repelled by him." Reading this in regards to the person I know just makes me want to shake her shoulders and tell her to listen up! Quit fumbling, calm down, look inside yourself and find the path that will make you more human.

In conclusion: I could certainly relate to this piece and felt it captured the dark path that the pursuit of knowledge can sometimes take us down. It was nicely done and certainly worth checking out. As they say, write on!


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: An enlightening review of a book that I do own but have yet to pick up. Definitely makes me question how much I want to pick it up now.

Why I could relate to your work: I've been putting it off because there is so much information packed in the former books that I've lost a lot of it thanks to memory problems and reading other books. So, to get caught up, I planned on rereading the series... but now, lol, I'm a bit hesitant. Not real keen to dive into something so involved that sounds unsatisfying.

My suggestions: Asides from the typo below, I didn't have anything to suggest for your work.

Any noticeable typos: "I looked forward the latest installment of George" This was the only typo that actually threw me for a moment just cause it was in the beginning of the review. You're missing "to".

My favorite line(s): "Needless to say (but like Martin I’ll say it anyway) ASOIAF is no longer on my ‘buy before looking’ list. I don’t shell out my money till I get a library copy first.

Meanwhile, I'll cross my fingers and hope Martin can pull a U-turn and get out of Jordan Country before his epic is lost in the quagmire." Your conclusion has me questioning my will to read all those books again! Just not sure it's worth choking down if Dance of the Dragons is going to be a disappointment. That's a lot of time consuming reading.

In conclusion: I enjoyed how you approached this review. It connected well with me and felt like an honest discussion of the book. I probably will still read it, but perhaps my enthusiasm has been curbed some (arched eyebrow, okay it wasn't real high to begin with). Anyways, well done and happy anniversary.



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Review of Blueprint.  
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Well, hello there: I found you on the WDC power review requests and was intrigued by your description. Glad I took a peek.

What I love about your work: I found the depth of this piece very inspiring. I mean really... we all have Jake's choices. We can be happy with what we have or we can be miserable and be doomed to live in our own darkness. I really liked the atmosphere you created and the idea of the afterlife.

Why I could relate to your work: I'm like any human being and wonder what's on the next side. I have my own theories but live my life as best I can and enjoy every day to its fullest because we don't know. So, lol, I totally was snagged by this story-line.

My suggestions: In regards to format on the computer, I would suggest putting a line between paragraphs. It just helps ease the strain on eyes.

I also wanted to share something that has helped me quite a bit. I got called out a while ago on passive voice and since then, I have done my darnest to try to avoid using it in my work. Google "passive voice", google knows all. If you can, try to eliminate the passive voice in your story. It will pop so much more and suck us in deeper into the story.

"I jolted back, or at least as far as one could jolt while being tethered to the bed by an IV hanging out of my arm." I'm not a huge fan of this line. It feels over-wordy and repetitive. I think you could smooth the first two parts into one shorter section and have it flow better.

Any noticeable typos: There are a few minor things, like commas and such, but nothing that tore me out of the story.

In conclusion: I found this to be a very interesting piece that captured my imagination and invited me to not only focus on the afterlife but today. Nicely done.


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, hello there: I found you through the Newbie Spotlight and thought I'd check you out. Absolutely loved this piece.

What I love about your work: First off, this has a fantastic opening that caught my attention and begged me to read more, but as I read of each "emotion", I fell in love with the imagery and life you gave them. Creativity is my favorite, but how can it not be?! Think you organized this quite well and it came out beautifully.

Why I could relate to your work: As both an artist and a writer, I've felt the touch of all your friends, some stronger than others at various points of the creative process. Like I said, I absolutely loved the personality you gave them because I can see it and feel it and completely understand it. Nicely done.

My suggestions: I do not have any suggestions, I loved how this flowed and the atmosphere your words created. I didn't stumble over any part and very much enjoyed it.

Any noticeable typos: I did not see any typos that distracted me from your poem.

In conclusion: I've realized I really need to set up a date with Inspiration, that elusive friend has been teasing me all day but not actually presenting himself and darn it, your poem made me realize I need his hand. I really enjoyed this. As they say, write on!


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321
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, hello there:

What I love about your work: I didn't expect it to be actually about rocks. Yes, I know you warned us; but still, it was shocking and pleasant. I liked how this seemed like an educational piece and yet almost an adventure through various rocks and purposes. I really enjoyed this.

Why I could relate to your work: Do you know how difficult it is not to write puns about rocks in this review? I mean, as I started to read it, "rock on" came to mind and that was the beginning. Oh, this was a rocky situation for me... okay, I'll behave now, I swear.

My suggestions: I don't really have any; this flowed well without being preachy and made me feel as if someone with a love for rocks was explaining their passion to me.

Any noticeable typos: I did not see any that drew me out of your work.

In conclusion: Almost slipped in another pun, I enjoyed it so much that I wanted to have fun with it. But I promised to behave so I'll end this with the high note of it came out well. You wrote something warm and inviting, something that opened our eyes without being overwhelming. Nicely done.


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: As morbid as it sounds, I thoroughly enjoyed the loneliness and desperation captured in this piece. A flower poking from a crack in the sidewalk evokes hope in my mind, but you took it into something else altogether. I love when you would think something should go one way and it goes complete opposite. It's a pleasant surprise and just sits well with me.

Why I could relate to your work: Having moved to one of the most desolate places I've ever encountered in the beginning of my marriage, I can relate to the isolation captured in this. When you feel alone, you can't help but dwell on all that you left behind and feel as if you're missing something important.

My suggestions: I would almost suggest breaking this down into four lined stanzas since the rhyming scheme makes that happen on its own. However, I don't think it will make or break your poem.

Any noticeable typos: I did not notice anything that yanked me out of the flow of your words. Also, well done on the flow, it felt natural and didn't make me stumble.

My favorite line(s):"There are dark clouds all around me
I know it's going to rain
No tree to shelter from the cold
Nothing to stop the pain."

In conclusion: Overall, I enjoyed this and thought you did a splendid job on capturing emotions with this piece. Nicely done and happy anniversary.


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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Well, hello there: I found you on the random review and love how you started out this tale of mystery and intrigue.

What I love about your work: You called to attention many of the different dangers of snow and set up the mystery of the explorers right off the bat. I also thoroughly enjoyed the ending, this feels like an excellent set up for something more.

Why I could relate to your work: Always intrigued by the unknown, this captured my interest. Having grown up in sunny Arizona where snow is a show stopping rarity, a snow story definitely draws me in. Though your story confirmed why I wouldn't be able to do snow, I couldn't take being bound in my cabin. I'd get cabin fever!

My suggestions: This is something I'm working on as well, but when you write stories, try to avoid the passive voice. Google passive voice, google knows all and explains it much better than I can. Your words will pop so much more if you can avoid the passive voice.

I wouldn't mind knowing more about this story. Why do they fear ghosts so much? Is this a common problem that plagues them enough they try to take precautions? Or is it just silly mountain people superstition? And darn it, I want to know what happened. So, friendly suggestion, you could totally write this up some more and have a far bigger story.

Any noticeable typos: "when the snow had melted enough for the citizen of Mountain Lake to leave their homes." "citizen" should read "citizens".

"After all, everyone knows that the souls of the unburied roam aimlessly never finding rest until someone places their bones in hallowed ground." This feels like there should be a comma between "aimlessly" and "never".

My favorite line(s): "Whether or not the search party found the bodies is unknown, because the search party never returned." Hot diggity dog, the ultimate "something is not what it seems here!". Though, just a suggestion, but I think it would pack a bigger punch as the conclusion if you removed "because".

In conclusion: I enjoyed how this felt like a typical missing person's story, and then the end just throws that all in our face. I mean, really, how often do search parties go missing? I think if you polished this up, and hopefully expand it, it could be a great gem of a story. Nicely done.


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324
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Happy Anniversary this month!!!

What I love about your work: Well, I arrived to simply review your work and found instead that I wanted to add to it, so you sucked me in.

Why I could relate to your work: Married to a former Marine and in love with sci-fi stories, you grabbed my attention with this interaction right off the bat.

My suggestions: There were a couple of fragment sentences in the first chapter that I think you did to enunciate the point, but it comes across as more distracting than enlightening. I would recommend with future chapters that you try to avoid fragments for point making.

Any noticeable typos: There were a couple in that first chapter that grabbed my attention. The first one being the fragmented sentences, they read very choppy. Secondly though, this line "They acessed how to gain entry." I'm pretty sure the correct word is "assessed".

My favorite line(s): "The Last way in was to have the transport blow in the roof of the structure, however, this method, if calculated wrongly, could destroy the computers full of data inside and vaporise any survivors. " Aw, the what ifs.

In conclusion: I'm curious to see what hides in the depths of this twisted place, where aliens may have reaped chaos and destruction. Hmmmm. Interesting interactive piece and happy anniversary.



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Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: There's a lot of potential with this tale, though just for the record "OUCH!". You've left yourself a lot of room to explore further into the deaths of Jim and Patty.

My suggestions: "Patty lay on her back, where her face stared blindly at the ceiling and a cat-like purring sound emitted from the back of her throat as she breathed, her mouth open in an O shape, and Jeff lay on his side with his back to Patty staring blindly into the bedroom window, he was trapped in a dream mumbling inaudibly." This is too much for one little sentence to hold. It may read better "Pay lay on her back. Her face stared blindly at the ceiling, a cat-like purring sound emitted from the back of her throat as she breathed, her mouth open in an O shape. Jeff lay on his side with his back to Patty, staring blindly into the bedroom window. He was trapped in a dream, mumbling inaudibly."

But even that I would add a few tweaks to. For instance, you have that both Jim and Patty stared blindly. That feels repetitive. When describing your characters so thoroughly, you don't want to recycle descriptions, especially not so close together. Perhaps try, "his closed eyes fixed upon the empty window" or "his sleeping gaze locked on the window". You want to add variety or you can unintentionally bore the reader.

Same with this sentence "The intruder raised a metal baseball bat, both hands firmly grasping the handle, above his head, as though he had an ax and was chopping wood into kindling, and at the moment when the bat came crashing into Patty’s forehead, she opened her eyes, O O; it was a bad sound, like death, for Jeff darted upward and cried out, “Who the fuck is it?” and turned about to see the disturbance, but the baseball bat was already flying through the air."

Putting too much into one sentence can overwhelm the reader and lose their interest. Definitely try to avoid that.

Any noticeable typos: Just the above recommendations stood out to me.

My favorite line(s): "Jeff never knew what hit him." Short, sweet, straight to the point and a perfect clincher to such a brutal tale.

In conclusion: think there's a lot of potential here, you just have to polish it up a bit. Plus, it would be great if you explored it further. Perhaps didn't tell the reader they had a bad day, but showed us, so the full brutality of their deaths impacts us that much more than simply this unknown couple being attacked. An interesting read, as they say, write on!


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