JANUARY 3, TWENTY TEN
HAPPY NEW YEAR to you & yours, dear author.
Overall, time spent with one's nose in books, shows readers in many cases that stories need not always contain specifics of the blow-by-blow.
Finding this method used throughout shall become the basis of this critique. Many things in fiction are automatically taken for granted.
As -- when Willow puts Tarot down. The Green Witch of Gloucester isn't up on the rooftops of the splendid cottage pictured in this flash fiction. She's in the kitchen, which of course has a floor.
Then, for the kitten "Tarot" we also read:
"never wondering too far for too long." Briefly exploring also a given for newly arrived kittens.
Let us look at a few things which could be cut down, in order to perhaps (if the author so desires at this writing, a future edit or when approaching another story) a medium of fast track deletions re: that blow-by-blow method .. thus supplying room for setting, etc.
Do keep in mind, Diane, that for the sake of the story (other pens) these author-to-author hints are meant to acheive a knowledgeable basis for scripting fiction short stories which transgress adolescent fiction. My esrtwhile pardon for sounding a bit of the perpetual windbag today. Yet, we are certainly encouraged on http://www.writing.com to voice opinions via reviews sent.
Let us move to:
IN CHRONOLGIOCAL ORDER OR NEARLY:
SECOND PARAGRAPH: @ "beautiful, copper-colored hair" ---
TEFF suggests: Never fear standard word: auburn. If using copper, taken for granted meaning of color. Then no need for hyphenated copper-colored.
Plus do recall, we're leaving the bit of a mouthful trend seen here in WILLOW, THE GREEN WITCH OF GLOUSTER, a happy-go lucky, good witch tale, to be sure
@ " ... she yelled, as she rinsed her hands ..."
Brevity supports trying --- she yelled, rinsing her hands ...
QUESTION: Is "life-everlasting" an herb? Kept trying to remember, yes or no. So, perhaps supply data, please.
typo @ passersby == :passers-by
Most times characters of witches are spiritual by nature and not tending toward materialistic, therefore not avid shoppers. So, doubtful that kitty litter would be store bought. Especially in a "dense forest" where leaves, sand or soil is available. A realistic type feedback. No harm intended, simply a comment.
When reaching the note, see how the author wishes to put this inside quotes, by also using the ploy of Willow reading the note "aloud." Fine really --- but can be simplified for the invisible audience out here as ---
Note: " xxxx whatever /// witten from Roland. the Pennsylvanian type name of Roland, and yes, I knew a real Roland. Rather an old fashioned name, so glad to see it used.
Also, once used the surname of Bartholomew --- so you present Willow Bartholomew, quite a ring .. excellent.
You know we are constantly encouraged via WDC newsletters to move the story forward, so that gauntlet comes into play as sentences form into paragraphs in a true sense by statements to that effect.
Now we behold --- oh my oh my --- " ... witch-know-before-you-should crap" from daughter, character Penney --- we must think alike, I love the name Penny. Anyways, please excuse, silly ole Miss Teffy, dear Diane. But do you mean: ESP --- intuition or clairvoyance?
A casserole dish is usually glass --- so you can save the adjective of glass.
The brunch seems rather shared by giants or less mannerly ladies who are "forking in by the mouthful --- "poking" at their food with "a slender finger" and "shoveling in a generous mouthful." If the ladies, Witch Willow and Penney are over anxious with hefty appetites is implied --- that indeed became my impression.
What probably has happened here is a means of replacing ordinary, adequate lingo with synonyms, or not. Eh, one can never tell.
LOVE -- adore the basic word "nowadays" --- this may generally sum the goings on. Glad you chose nowadays which is not all that popular currently. However, the word nowadays always sets the reader right there in the story -- in this case @ Willow's table.
The magic jar is a nice touch, practically countering the abrupt details for a miscarriage, which seemed to enter the story too fast, BTW. Oddly a touch of the personal informationalized for the many .. us, an audience which may turn a bit squeamish. Most likey not the writer's intention.
Let a reader assume "ball cap" -- means baseball cap which is probably the correct fashion term, I venture to guess.
Nice touch on the clairvoyant dream re: a name called in the night (dreamscape wise) and the lawn addition notable in this contest entry.
Presentation here is easy on the eye and most attractive due an artful font.
Well, thanks for sharing, thanks for posting and am certainly looking forward to reviewing more from your portfolio whenever more fiction pieces surface.
TA TA!
Rev sent
Cordially from TEFF
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