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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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Review of Jet versus jays  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Things I Like:

This piece has great energy. The short, choppy lines, the haphazard stanza structures, and the topic all lend themselves toward a fast, fun type of piece.

The rhymes could have been silly, as they are solid "rhymey rhyme" type rhymes, but they actually work well and increased the cute factor, which is endearing.

On a side note, the title is cute. *Wink*

Observations & Suggestions:

"just so that they take off" was awkward for me on the first read. It's cute, and I liked it once I understood what it meant. At first though, "just so that they" read like total gibberish to me. I would recommend tweaking it.

"those that tweet or hoot" -- the "that" here seemed strange to me, though "who" might create the image of hooting & tweeting pilots or something. *Laugh* Not sure what revision would make this smoother, but you might think of one.

The piece should have punctuation. There are many many MANY awkward moments in here because there are no commas and periods to guide the reader. It made the entire poem much more difficult to read than it needed to be. Moments like "Ah to fly" require either an exclamation point or comma to tell the reader how emphatic it should be. In short, it matters greatly for a piece like this. Strongly recommended.

Having a footnote in the poem to explain a meaning means that the line is ineffective. Not only that, but the line has nothing to do with the other line in the stanza. A simple tweak could work there... something that means, essentially, "Yay for taloned mid-air duels" would work much much better.

The flow is a bit rocky here and there. "Ah I so wish to fly just / like a jay or jackdaw" is one example. The lines do not flow easily at all.

One more example: "Way to 'em stars" (not the ONE apostrophe for 'em) throws off the flow considerably as well, and it is slightly awkward in general, though that is neither here nor there. I might consider setting the poem aside for a few months and then reading it aloud. If you stumble, there is a good chance that the flow is off.

Overall, I think the piece has enough of an energetic vibe to carry a person from beginning to end, but it could be a much smoother ride. The flow and lack of punctuation are the biggest issues for me, as they decreased my enjoyment. Still, it has some nice ideas. It just need a little polish. *Smile* Good luck in the contest, and I hope you enter again!

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! *Smile* I am the poetry judge for the "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

With NaNo going on this month, this may be a short review. *Wink*

Things I Like:

The verb usage has more impact for me than any other aspect of the poem. Strong action keeps this piece from becoming just another boring nature-imagery poem. Danced, meandered, whistle, raged... they hooked me.

The rhymes are actually quite good here, which is a plus. Not everyone can rhyme without it sounding belabored (myself included).

The rhythm and flow are smooth as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are a few areas that could be improved here. In no particular order, here are some of my thoughts:

"But as September meandered by" -- I think that perhaps "through" would be a better word choice than "by" here, as the latter implies that it passed... as in, "after it was gone".

"Wind did whistle" -- nice alliteration and assonance here. I also like the following line.

The adverb use in the first stanza drives me a little nuts. Gracefully/brightly is too much -ly for me. It doesn't sound pleasant. I might consider reworking the first line to use "grace" instead of the adverb. Something like "Summer danced with subtle grace" would work quite well. Just an example, but you're welcome to use it if you like.

I would strongly consider punctuating this poem. The first two lines are slightly awkward without a comma, and there are other areas with similar issues. Punctuation is important, as running lines together can change meanings.

"Summer fought / bravely pushing", for instance, could mean that it fought bravely, which seems likely despite the line break OR it bravely pushed, which is sort of silly sounding and child-like. How are people most likely to interpret it? I would guess "bravely pushed"... which, for me, brings to mind a child pushing a bully. It is a fitting sort of image in a way, but it is a far cry from a raging battle. This is just once instance in which proper punctuation would make a huge difference.

I think that the word "Summer" is overused here. 6 uses in only 4 stanzas? To me, that says that something could have been more concise. By the time I got to the third stanza, I was already sick of that word, and you promptly used it four more times. I know that this poem is a personification of Summer, but there are ways to avoid overusing it.

Overall, I think this is a nice piece. The narrative is cute rather than intriguing or powerful for me, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. You have some lovely lines throughout. It needs a thorough revision for grammar and punctuation, which would improve readability immensely. Still, it is a pretty well crafted poem. *Smile* Good luck in the contest!

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Review of Dusk  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello, again! Your name looked familiar, so I assumed that I had reviewed you before. I looked through my recent reviews and sure enough! I reviewed "Starlit Scars" a while ago. Lost of promise as I recall, so I'm back! *Wink*

Things I Like:

I like the general idea here. Dusk is such an odd time of day when things don't look quite right. I wanted to give it a read based on the title.

The flow is pretty good for the most part. I like lots of your word choice in this piece as well. I always appreciate strong words-- ridden, blanket, flutters, dwindle, paves. They all have a very distinct feel to them.

Observations & Suggestions:

The first stanza makes sense and is cohesive on its own. I might cut "those" from the last line, as 1. there have been no people or eyes prior to this (grammatically, "those" refers to something that the reader is aware of) and 2. it flows better without it for me.

The second stanza is much rougher. First of all, the song came out of nowhere and has nothing to do with the first stanza at all. I like the lines for the most part, but they seem out of place. The petals also came out of nowhere, and how does the music "let the petals dwindle"? Unless these are 'petals of music' (weird) then this is a separate thought that doesn't have any real connection to the music that flutters and echoes.

There are also two lines here that seem to have words tacked on the end... to the detriment of the line:

"And echoes in the distance away
Letting the petals dwindle in"

The 'distance away'? That is super awkward. There is no other word for it. That word throws off the flow and does not work in general. It rhymes, but that is all it has going for it.

"petals dwindle in" has the same type of issue. The "in" confused me when I first read it because it just seemed like a strange line break. After reading the next line, it makes even less sense.

"petals dwindle in / moonlight paves"? I thought, okay... they dwindle in the moonlight... but 'moonlight paves' makes that completely awkward as well. This is where punctuation would be hugely helpful. I don't know what you're trying to say here, which makes it harder to suggest something.

Maybe you just mean "dwindles inward"? If so, that is just as awkward really. Dwindle implies getting smaller... shrinking. Given that these are petals at dusk, that would be the buds closing. We don't need the "in" for anything but the rhyme. I would strongly consider revising and finding a better way to keep your rhyme scheme than ending with "away" and "in".

The final line is pretty too, but it doesn't make much sense. Moonlight paves what throughout the day? It doesn't pave petals or echoes or wind or songs-- at least not in a way that makes sense to me. And those are the only things in the stanza that it could be talking about. Also, does moonlight really do anything at all throughout the day? No... it's on the other side of the planet. So in general, I like the sound of the line, but the meaning just... isn't there.

Overall, I really do think that you have an amazing way with words. You can turn a phrase that is very beautiful. That is evident in this poem as well as the other poem that I read. The rhymes in that last stanza or some of the more forced that I've seen, so perhaps the heavy abab cdcd rhyme scheme isn't your best option. Something to think about anyway. I would be interested to see what you would do with unrhymed free verse. Without the need to use end rhymes or make the line structure fit those rhymes, I bet that you could write something stunning. Anyway, this poem can be excellent with a little TLC to make it cohesive and clarify your meanings. It is always worth the effort for a poem that has beautiful word choice, as this one definitely does.

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope that you enjoy your time here!

Things I Like:

You have some great lines and phrases in this poem. Some favorites:

"grubby hearts"
"bundles of cassettes that hoard music"
"pollution has subsided"

In general, I like the topic and where you took it. I think that most people can relate to it in some way.

The flow is good most of the time as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

The opening line doesn't have much hook. The idea is interesting, but there is a slight awkwardness to it. I might consider changing "falling" to something a little less expected, a word that will make people think "Woah!" and keep reading.

I like the first stanza. There's some nice imagery in there. I did have a pretty major issue with one line though:

"shriek to the sound of a robust mind"

What in the world does a "robust mind" sound like? That is either faulty grammar or a typo or just incomprehensible to me. *Laugh*

There is a fair bit of padding a bulky phrasing in this piece. "I walk away from the grave" means the same thing as "I walk from the grave". How do they differ? Similarly, the "Now I see life" and "Now I can cope" -- using "now" once places everything after it in the present, so there is no need to say it again.

"barely lit room" --- why not just one word that MEANS 'barely lit'? Dim maybe?
"That horde the music I love" ---- "That horde music I love"... same thing really.
"And I sort through the bundles" --- You can remove "the" here as well. AND this makes it sound as though you had already mentioned the cassettes, and you hadn't.

These are just a few examples. If a small, insignificant word won't change the meaning, why not remove it so that the reader can focus on the more important words and phrases? I tend to love concise writing.

The last stanza is a huge departure from the first two. There is no imagery whatsoever, while the other two are packed with it. The ideas are good, but there was nothing memorable about that last stanza for me. The first two have memorable moments and really interesting lines... there's nothing resonant about the third.

Overall, I think that this is a nice piece of writing. It definitely has some strengths. I think that it could be a smoother read-- just removing some of the words and phrases that don't add meaning would be helpful. I don't know what there is to do with that last stanza really, but I didn't find it as effective as the rest. Maybe others will get more from it though. Maybe more emotive language there would help (i.e. "begin, was, see, read, can"--- spice up some of those verbs so that there is some punch maybe). Still, this is decent as it is. With a little polish, it could be excellent though!

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Review of Thick as Thieves  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you have enjoyed your time so far!

Things I Like:

This poem caught my eye mostly because of the title. I wasn't expecting it to be about actual thieves until I read the description, which is interesting.

I think the first line and last line are the strongest in the piece. That is ideal. Start with a solid hook, and end with a memorable line. Always a good choice.

I think the rhyme scheme works well here. "Gold/souls" and "cold/toll" are slant rhymes themselves. Quite good.

Observations & Suggestions:

First, a comment: I'm curious as to what era this is supposed to be from...? The language is not terribly archaic, so I would guess 1800 or newer? If you were going for something older sounding, you need some more archaic language in the piece. *Smile*

The lack of proper punctuation threw me a little. The exclamation point after 'spit' would not look so odd with proper sentence structure. This is in complete sentences, so there is no reason at all to have no caps or punctuation. The caps in the second stanza are decidedly weird considering the lack of caps in the first stanza too, by the way.

"stole gold" is a phrase that my tongue hates to say. It just refused to spit out these two words together. "Stole souls" came easier, but every time I read it, my mind or tongue changes it to "stolen". I would probably just go with "stolen" to be honest. This is the only attempt at making the thieves sound uneducated, so it doesn't ring true anyway.

On a side note, I expected the piece to be in meter, which would really make it sound like a chant. If it is supposed to be really old, it would have fallen in meter anyway, most likely. Not an issue... just an observation.

Overall, I think the piece is alright at the moment. It has its strong moments. The lack of punctuation and capital letters made it far more difficult to read. The 'stole' is not convincing for me, as these thieves have wonderful vocabularies otherwise, and it also threw off my flow when reading (there are a few other minor flow issues, but nothing that couldn't be sung through). In general though, I think this piece has lots of promise. It just needs some polish.

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Review of Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* This is part of a review package purchased by Alexi Author Icon from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Things I Like:

This poem is very conversational, but there is a wistful and pleading quality to your words. It is not easy to be both conversational and emotive at the same time. Very nice.

I can relate to the piece, as I'm sure others will. I remember being worried when I was young that I would get stuck in my hometown like so many others had. It is a common fear that many people feel or have felt at some point in their lives. Having a topic that will immediately connect people to your poem is helpful.

Observations & Suggestions:

The flow isn't very smooth at times. The "It scares me" line is particularly awkward-- not because of its length but how it flows with the lines before and after it. If you read the poem aloud, you will probably hear for yourself that it isn't a smooth transition. If not, you may want to set the poem aside for a few months and then read it aloud. If you stumble over the words, the flow is probably off a beat or two (or more).

On a side note here, I love the "It scares me" line. *Laugh* It has a ring of truth to it. There are more concise ways to say the same thing though. For example: "It scares me that people never roam" or "I'm scared of the depths of people's roots". They mean the same general thing... I'm scared that other people don't travel. I'm not suggesting that you use these. They do not fit your rhyme scheme and are't necessarily poetic. Just giving examples of how you might keep the meaning but make it more concise.

The opening lines set up the poem well, but they don't really serve as a hook. They didn't make me feel like I really had to keep reading. It isn't a huge problem, but a hook might serve you well. People will relate to the lines, but they won't make someone feel anything.

"I've seen lots of different faces" doesn't relate much to the next line, so connecting them with "but" doesn't work from a grammar standpoint. I would consider revising this line. If you had, say, 'grown tired of all the same faces', then it would relate to the next line. Just an example.

Aside from that exceptionally long line in the second stanza, the rest is written simply, but it is quite lovely in its way.

The final stanza is, again, something that most people would relate to... but it isn't integrated into the rest of the poem. It is not as though you talked about the dullness of being home and then ended with the "it's still home" type of message. Do you see what I mean? It could be more cohesive somehow with the rest of the poem, but it is nice on its own. Though rhyming "of" and "love" did not work well for me.

Overall, I think this is a really sweet little poem. I think that it needs lots of work to smooth out the flow and make it a cohesive piece that progresses from beginning to end, but it is a fine rough draft... a good base to work with. It could use some polish, but it has promise so I do hope that you don't get discouraged. We all need to revise our poetry to make it as effective as it can be, and this can be effective. If you decide to revise, I would be happy to give it another read and change my rating as needed. *Smile*

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Review of Stained Hope  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello again, Alexis! Here is your second for the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. package you won! Since I chose an older poem last time, I thought that I should go with a new one here. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

You mixed your line lengths very well here. Mixing really long lines with very short lines with no mid-length lines... it can be tricky. This is not awkward at all and flows well.

The piece is very emotive. The emotion comes through here quite well. The second stanza is the most powerful from an emotional standpoint for me. To be honest, it screams 'frustration' to me. Not sure if that was the intention, but it is strong.

This, by the way, is a much better example of a poem that does not need punctuation. It is loose in flow, the smaller lines can and do relate to both longer sentences here and there (overlaps in meaning)... it is a clear case for no punctuation. *Thumbsup*

Observations & Suggestions:

"Mental beating tears" -- Love the 'mental beating' here. It's a great phrase. That said, there are no cues for the reader as to whether 'tears' is supposed to be crying 'tears' or rips and 'tears'. That bothered me at first. No suggestion for change... just thought I would mention it.

"My flesh is all a tingle" -- Minor but important here... your flesh is not one tingle. *Laugh* The word is "atingle"... one word. My browser spellcheck hates it, but I promise you that it is a word AND is the word you want.

So, the time and description here drives me sort of crazy. It all seems to be in the present, but there is progression in the description:

"Today my gown is white"
"Now not so new a smudge"
"Tonight my gown is red"

Yeah, this is confusing. I would consider staggering these time frames so that they will make more sense to the reader. I do love the progression of the gown... excellent. But that time frame is all kinds of ineffective.

Similarly, I was turned off by the first stanza's "Today my gown" and two lines later "Now not so new a smudge". Nothing happened. It felt to me like you literally said "My gown is white. Just kidding! It's black and blue". It did not work for me at all, and had I not wanted to review your most recent poem, I would have quit reading right there. That would have been a shame because the poem is actually pretty intriguing.

I love the final line "Bleeding / Dead / Poverty won". That "No one listened" lacks the power of the others. Like, who cares if no one listened when compared to bleeding and dead and poverty winning? By comparison, it sounds like a mild case of middle-child syndrome rather than a powerful type of warning. I would cut it, personally.

The internal rhyme that suddenly stops in the fourth stanza? It did not go unnoticed. If you want to use something as distinct as internal rhymes (not even slant rhymes!), then you have to keep doing it... otherwise, it looks lazy and sounds weird.

Overall, I quite like many lines in this piece. You managed to make many of the short lines resonant (like that 'and more' in the third stanza *Heart*). The piece is emotive and has intriguing phrases throughout. The aspect that really lets the poem down is the time ("Now, Now, Today, Today, Tonight") that seems to be at odds with the progression of the poem. The other things that I mentioned have easy quick fixes if you choose to do so, but I think that making the time/progression align without having to revise extensively... that would require a delicate hand. Good luck if you choose to do it! I really think the poem is worth the time though-- it is an excellent start.

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Review of Seagulls Hush  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Alexis! Here is one of the reviews for the package you won at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. I know that this is an older piece that you haven't messed with in over a year, but the title caught my eye. Great title, and seagulls certainly sound angry to me.

Some things I Like:

You have some really strong word choice in this piece as well as some nice uses of poetic technique. My favorite lines are:

As sea spray dries on masculine skin
Masking the tears man cries in vain

'Masculine skin masking' is particularly good. It could have been too much assonance, but I think it works well.

In general, I like the premise here. I grew up near the coast, so I can certainly appreciate it.

Observations & Suggestions:

"Salt waves lapping on rippled sand"

The use of 'lapping' here suggests that you will continue talking about the waves, but you do not. I suggest "Salt waves lap". It makes the line sound smoother in my opinion as well. This is one of many places that would be much easier to read with punctuation, by the way. This piece is in complete sentences, so there is no reason to have no punctuation (it is not visually appealing, has nothing to do with line breaks or meaning overlaps, etc). It makes the piece a chore to decipher at times-- strongly recommend punctuating these sentences.

"Imprints of feet tide washed away"

This is awkward. I know what you meant by it, but the phrasing could be better here. It looks like either "feet tide" is a thing... which brings to mind stinky water just to see it. Or, the tide washed away the feet rather than the imprints. This is actually a grammatical error-- the 'washed' needs to be close to what was washed here:

"Foot imprints washed away by tide" --- this is grammatically sound and crystal clear (with no yucky foot water).

"Mornings dawn sky saw his pain"

This line made me cringe. Again... punctuation, please. This is two complete sentences crammed together on a single line with no punctuation. This was terribly jarring to me. "Mornings dawn. Sky saw his pain." I also thought it was off-putting that this rhymes with the line before because 1. it is the only end rhyme in the poem and 2. the line before it is far far superior. It looks to me like this one rhymes just to snag some of the glory from the line before it, but it doesn't work.

"Falling knees touch the wet foam"

Love the imagery here, but I think the 'falling knees' is slightly odd. People fall 'to' knees, but do the knees themselves fall? I suppose they do, but it struck me as strange somehow. No suggestion for a change, but I thought I would mention it.

Overall, I think this is a nice piece. It could be very solid with like 20-30 minutes of revision for grammar and punctuation(!), and it wouldn't take long to smooth out some phrasing in here. As it is now, it's pretty good. It could be a whole lot better with very minimal effort from you though. Might as well give it a little polish.

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Review of Starlit Scars  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

Things I Like:

You have some lovely imagery in this piece. I also like the title, though it doesn't seem to relate strongly to the poem itself. *Wink*

Usually, skittery rhyme schemes annoy me, but I find it endearing in this piece for some reason. I also quite like your use of assonance with noon/blue in the first stanza instead of the typical abcb rhyme scheme everyone seems to love so much.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are some lines in here that are just odd to me. Here we go:

I think that 'star-struck' (which should be hyphenated, by the way-- compound adjective) is an awesome choice if the streams were to be actually star-struck by something. Using it to mean that the moonbeams hit the streams is a lost opportunity.

"Moonlit beams" bring to mind iron girders in a building or something. There are moonbeams... as in rays of light from the moon. And then there are beams that are moonlit... which are not rays of light from the moon. It is an odd bit of phrasing that does not mean what I think you're trying to say here.

"waiting for noon" -- why are they waiting for noon? Both the beams and streams are waiting... for what? There is no answer that I can come up with other than 'it sounds pretty'. Something like that needs a solid context... it needs to have some sort of foundation within the poem.

"just as autumn grows / and rivers wait to die" -- things die in the autumn rather than grow. And how is it that rivers 'wait to die'? These seem to have nothing to do with the type of nature you're describing. Rivers may be determined to get where they're going or carve new paths or swell with pride or any number of personifications... but waiting to die doesn't have much to do with them. See what I mean? To me, these lines mean 'just as this is nonsensical, these other things are nonsensical'.

That said, there is some connection for a sunset shedding tears... saying goodbye for another day or some such.

I love the stanza break between "lie" and "before", by the way.

"Before the dusk we must trust / The walking star dances true"

These are the types of lines that could really use some punctuation. Right now, the most reasonable meaning is:

Before it gets dark, we must trust the fact that the star dances.

I have no idea if this is what you intended, but I doubt it. I can stretch for a meaning there, but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense in general.

"Till" is something you do to a garden. "Til" is the shortened form of 'until'.

Punctuation is needed here too. "The walking star dances trues until the end,' makes sense. 'Until the end, we'll meet again,' does not make sense, but one would assumed that they go together in this fashion. This is where proper commas and periods can be very useful.

It is great that you carried the sky into all three stanzas, by the way. It does make the poem cohesive.

Overall, I think the idea is interesting, but the writing is a bit messy here. It really reads like it is meant to be pretty sounding, but it is light on meaning. The phrases DO sound nice, but what you're saying doesn't make sense in context here. I would consider revision. You have a way with words, it is a matter of using that way with words to really get across to readers what you mean.

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Review of Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hi! Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope that you get lots of feedback that helps you improve as a writer.

Things I Like:

You have some really interesting ideas and imagery in this piece.

The voice used is really unique and clear. It sounds like a very particular person speaking... like it isn't just anybody.

Observations & Suggestions:

To be honest, this is very very very difficult to read. I had to read a single sentence like 10 times just to figure out what it meant. The run-on sentences and fragments are all jammed together with very little punctuation, so it is nearly impossible to figure out what some of it means.

"Inner beauty with all the wrong doings on my conscience in my past how do I come to piece with all of that."

This is a run-on, for example, that was entirely incomprehensible to me the first few times I read it. "Inner beauty" seems utterly disconnected from "with all the wrong doings on my conscience". "in my past" seems to be an aside... as in, "on my conscience, in my past". And the rest of it is a complete sentence and question (i.e. you need a question mark).

So... This sentence only sorta makes sense even now. And I have read it many times. This is where grammar helps. I think that much of the meaning here is being lost-- in the entire piece. There is not one single grammatically correct sentence in the entire thing.

Overall, I think that you have lots of strengths as a writer. This has a real authenticity to it that's refreshing. The voice is strong. The sentence structure and grammar are genuinely a nightmare. It made reading this a bit painful when it could have been extremely enjoyable. There are grammar classes on here... if you're interested in those, I can point you in the right direction. The good news is that grammar can be learned-- just a set of rules. A way with words cannot be taught, and you are lucky enough to have that already. *Wink* Keep on writing! It will only get better!

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Review of Watching Over Us  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope that you enjoy your time here.

Things I Like:

I think that you have an interesting premise here... it isn't clear why the child is alone. Even if everyone died, why are there no others around to take care of him? It is an interesting hook.

Observations & Suggestions:

I thought the boy was a little serial killer or something. He's sorta creepy. *Blush* When it got to the 'grandparents playing at the bottom of the garden' bit, I thought for sure that he had killed them and buried them... along with the dog, an earlier experiment. They entire story lends itself very well to this idea... but that is not what you were going for. So...

I think that Rodney needs to be a bit more endearing somehow. One of the big ways to help that would be to "show not tell". I rarely give this advice to people unless it would be a huge improvement, and it would be here.

You tell us about Rodney. You tell us what he's doing. It would be more powerful if we felt it and did it with him. Writing from Rodney's point of view rather than a detached stranger's POV would help a great deal. The narrator doesn't even know how old the kid is. It's very... detached and cold, which lends itself well to the creepy serial killer kid vibe. The detached narrator could have made the loneliness deeper, but instead it made me not really care about the boy.

Additionally, I thought the boy was going to be in a foster home or something, to be honest. His dad is there but totally ignores the kid? I assumed he was living with someone who didn't really care about him and vice verse. Not an issue... just weird.

In the end, I don't know what the question was, and I don't know why he all of a sudden told his mom not to watch over him. Nothing really seemed to change. The kid is still alone. He was still talking to Rodney, which I assumed he always did, as the first words to him seemed like a casual occurrence.

A few general housekeeping things:

This piece needs a thorough grammar edit. I know that not everyone is a grammar person, but it is important and would make the story much easier to read.

Numbers 10 and less are always written out. "one... two... nine... ten... 11... 12...". The numbers in the story "1 question" and "3 houses" looked like typos at first.

Here is one example of a grammar issue that renders a sentence nearly incomprehensible... this happens once in a while throughout the story:

"In front of the largest house he sits a soldier and begins to talk to him."

This totally confused me. I thought the 'he' was supposed to be 'there' or something, as that is all that made sense to me at that moment. The boy doesn't 'sit a soldier'... he 'sets a soldier'. That makes an enormous difference. That one small word changed the entire meaning of this sentence from the boy placing a soldier to a soldier who sits.

As mentioned, these types of little things happen here and there throughout. You migtht want to set the story aside for a few months and then read it with fresh eyes. That might help you catch some of this stuff.

Overall, I think that you have a nice rough draft. It is a good skeleton to work with. Advancing the boy's character would help considerably. Changing the narrator's voice a bit would help. Making the story progress somehow would make it feel more like a story rather than a slice of life. I think that this piece would be worth the effort of revising. It shows promise! It just isn't there yet.

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Review of Angels  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi! I'm the poetry judge for the "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.. I always try my best to provide feedback for all of the entries. Keep in mind that this is for your benefit rather than a judging tool. The review is for your piece rather than how your entry compares to the others.

Things I Like:

The flow is quite nice for the most part.

I think that some people will relate well to the topic here as well.

I also appreciate the brevity. You didn't go overboard trying to pound the idea home. You left if short enough to not feel overbearing.

Observations & Suggestions:

I thought it was weird that 'at one point in life people die' bit is a weird opening stanza. First, you're talking about angels... plural. So they don't have one 'life' let alone 'one point in life'... they have multiple lives and each has one point when they get called home. That is a grammar issue. Second, is it really during LIFE when someone dies? That seemed odd to me, but as I'm not religious, maybe I'm just reading it too literally. Perhaps someone is alive, gets the 'call' and THEN dies? I don't know, but the grammar combined with the life/death thing didn't gel with me.

"It's just that" doesn't add much to the second stanza. It's sort of filler with no really strong meaning. It's very conversational, which is okay sometimes. It wasn't super effective here though.

"not fair" struck me as slightly juvenile. I might consider "and unfair" for a more adult sounding phrase. If you want it to sound petulant (which is a fitting option), then keep the 'not fair'. I just thought I should point out what the phrase implies for me.

I like the second stanza's list... too soon, too fast, etc. The list in the third stanza was not effective at all for me. I felt like I was reading a grocery list by that point. I might try to integrate a FEW of those emotions into larger statements and drop the rest. Framing the emotion somehow might make the reader connect to the emotion you're talking about. Right now, it is a list of emotions that is not using emotive language at all.

An odd comment here: Why is there a space between words and exclamation points? When I saw it the first time, I thought it was "I". "fair!" and "mistakes!" is just fine... no spaces needed.

The poem ends with an incomplete thought.

"for when the day comes, / and he takes us, / home."

That does not work at all. Grammatically, it doesn't work because it leaves the reader waiting for something else to happen. Simplest fix:

"for when the day comes,
he takes us
Home."

That is grammatically correct. In general, you use commas and punctuation in weird ways. This is another example:

"we feel it is;
too fast,
too soon,"

There is no punctuation needed after 'it is'. The only punctuation that would make any sense is a colon (:). A semi-colon doesn't work grammatically. Grammar isn't fun, but it is necessary. Grammar can change the entire meaning of a poem... that is pretty important. *Smile*

Overall, I think this is a nice idea. As a rough draft, quite good. As a finished piece, not so much. It needs quite a bit of revision, but it is worth the effort. *Smile* Good luck in the contest!

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Review of Rain on Leaves  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi! *Smile* The poem I reviewed piqued my interest, so I thought I'd read another poem or two in your port. I landed on this one.

Some things I Like:

This is the second poem I've read from you, and something has become very clear already: you have a very strong and quirky voice. You also naturally have excellent pacing and flow. Quite nice.

The flow in the middle three stanzas is particularly nice.

I expected to find a poem full of imagery, as it has a nature title. I can't say that I miss it at all.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are some weird things going on in this piece too. Lots of little oddities. I'm just going to run through some for you.

"Rain and breeze remind"... grammar isn't everyone's strong suit, but it matters. Things like this stick out to me like sore thumbs and disturb my experience. *Facepalm* So... it isn't 'reminds'... it is 'remind'.

"reminds me what / it ought to be" -- I gather that "it" is supposed to be love or relationships or something of that nature. BUT when I first read this stanza, I had no idea what you were talking about. Had I not already read one poem of yours, I would have quit right there. Grammar issue plus an unknown "it"? I might consider clarifying what you're talking about there. The first stanza is the hook... confusing people early isn't ideal.

"a feel with only senses" seemed really weird to me the first time I read it. Now, I quite like it. The line grew on me. Still, I thought I'd mention that it might have people scratching their heads.

I LOVE the "and think of use" stanza and how it flows as a logical extension from the second stanza. That is one of the areas that created the amazing pacing and flow.

"I see you there / you see me here?" This could have had a similar vibe as the stanzas before it and been very effective, but it somehow misses the mark. I like what you're saying, but the sound isn't very smooth for some reason. It's as though 'there' and 'here' are meant to rhyme or something, when clearly they aren't meant to at all. I don't know... something about it bothered me.

The last stanza didn't move me or interest me at all. I would be tempted to just cut it completely. There is no emotional pull, and it doesn't tie the poem together either. It starts out in the present... and five seconds later you're saying 'the breeze still blows'? Well yeah... why wouldn't it? In general, it is sort of an anticlimax.

Overall, I think this is an interesting piece. I would consider looking at the areas I mentioned. Fixing the grammar issue in the first stanza is a good idea at the very least. With some revision, the poem could be really good. It just isn't there yet. Still, I love your natural voice and excellent flow.

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

There are some very impressive moments in this piece. The first stanza serves as an excellent hook for the piece. The alliteration is a bit cloying, but it still works very well.

I really like the last two lines as well. It sums up the poem nicely. I also appreciate that the poem begins with tons of action and ends with a sigh. It is very fitting for the topic.

I also think that many people will be able to relate to the piece, which may be a good thing.

Observations & Suggestions:

"Who look down, their nose to drop" -- This line is just weird. It seems like you're struggling to make the rhyme work here, and pretty much all meaning is lost. Someone can gather what you mean, but it is just weird. "Their nose to drop" sounds like boogers to be honest. It was the first moment that fell totally flat for me when I was reading. It is also grammatically incorrect... "their" is plural... so "nose" should be plural as well. As much as I love other parts of the poem, I really am not a fan of this particular line. Strongly suggest revision.

"as mornings sun did rise" -- This seems like it should be either "morning" or "morning's". Again, "mornings" is plural and "sun" is singular... which just reads strangely. Even if there is a suggested "in"... "as in mornings sun did rise", it still seems weird.

I do like the second half of the third stanza. An amusing universal truth.

Overall, I think that you have a pretty solid piece in the works here. The idea is great. I like the way you expressed the idea most of the time as well. The flow is good. I like the tone. You have excellent progression through the piece. There are a few places that could use some light revision. I only really disliked one line, which is pretty good on the whole. Just some general polish would go a long way with this one. It's worth the effort.

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Review of February 14th  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC, fellow Maineiac! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

There is something intriguing about a howling wall... a howling wind that is also a wall of snow... a howling snow in a wall of wind. Somehow, this simple string of words can bring to mind all sorts of intriguing visuals. I first read this piece last night, and I thought they were odd. Today, I just think it's fun. *Laugh*

Sometimes internal rhymes can be so uneven that it throws off the rhythm of a poem, but you managed to avoid that issue. The flow is quite good.

I also love the "Cold like a razor", which is another line that I didn't love at first. My mind kept trying to change it to "Cold as a razor", which would be both dull and inappropriate in context. *Facepalm* At any rate, I think that "Cold like a razor, sharp and deep" is amazing. I grew up in the bitter cold too, so I have certainly felt that bitter coldness that causes physical pain when you step outdoors.

Observations & Suggestions:

The "animals starve and people weep" flows exceptionally well, and the rhyme works nicely too. When I first saw it though, I wondered WHY the people weep. Just because it's cold? Because the animals starve? Because people become sick in the winter? It is somewhat vague and could be answered in many ways, but it made me curious. No answer seems to be the obvious one.

I really like the actual concept of the poem. You painted the scene well... one that does not bring to mind love. Because it is entirely outdoors though (all of the cold is nature-related), it doesn't relate much to people themselves. I mean, they live inside warm cozy houses with quilts to cuddle under. A roaring fire... a glass of wine... some might consider that romantic. If somehow the cold crept inside, invaded their warm bubble and made them miserable, then I think the point of the poem would be better taken.

On a similar note, one reason why February may be the least romantic month in the year is that people are sick to death of winter and cold! The novelty has long worn off by then. Incorporating some kind of human element could make the poem stronger.

Overall, I really like it. The imagery is interesting, the idea is amusing, and the flow is perfect. Even if you never change a single thing, the poem is a good one. *Smile*


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Review of Creativity  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

The ideas that you express are the best part of the poem for me. You have some interesting ideas about the creative process.

You did not use much imagery, but what you did use is fitting for the topic.

You have some strong word choice going on throughout the poem.

Observations & Suggestions:

The this that stuck out most to me about this piece is the bulky, conversational phrasing. It gave the poem a plodding sort of feel to me, where it could have been light and energetic. A few examples:

"It is not something that has to be earned or bought"

Saying 'it is not earned or bought' means the same thing really. Concise is sometimes best. Your ideas in the poem are strong... so let them shine by removing the overly-wordy phrasing. "has to be" "not something"... those phrases aren't interesting and don't add much meaning.

"A plethora of creativity is just waiting to be found"

The 'is just waiting' is passive voice and a split modifier as well. I promise that I wont go nuts about the grammar here. The phrase 'is waiting' here can be replaced with 'waits'... both are present tense. One just cuts out the bulk and makes the verb active. I generally think that "just" is filler unless used to mean 'justice' type of just. I'd remove it personally, but that is your choice.

"Each building upon the other to create a masterpiece"

This one isn't because of the phrasing so much as a missed opportunity. I presume that you mean the flickers or inventive ideas build on each other, right? I might try thinking of some other synonymous and descriptive phrasing to replace 'each building upon the other'. You started with sparks... those moved to flickers, a little bigger and stronger, so this is a perfect place to turn them into flames or roaring infernos of creative energy. That type of progression is always a winner in my book. Using that metaphor throughout the entire poem would make it all the stronger.

On a side note, I like the 'nooks and crannies' bit, but is that a strong enough hook to make a reader want to read the rest of the poem? Something unique might do the trick. Bringing that fire motif in there might just do the trick. Perhaps kindling hides in the nooks and crannies...? Just a thought.

Creativity conceding to imagination in the end seemed odd somehow. They are incredibly similar (to the point that they may be used as synonyms at times), so why would one not recognize the value of the other? I'm thinking that perhaps 'concede' is a strange word choice there.

Overall, I think the poem is pretty good. It didn't move me or really capture my interest. I do think that removing some of the bulk from the poem would allow readers to really focus on the ideas presented. The fire metaphor is a great one, but it only lasts for two lines. I would definitely think about extending that. I think that this piece could be really excellent with a little revision and polish. *Thumbsup*

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Review of Cup Full  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello again! I remember you! *Wink* I hope this review isn't too rough. I'm pretty sure we've been through this before. You know how I review. *Laugh*

I'm the poetry judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window. and thought that you might like some feedback on your poem. Keep in mind that placing in the contest depends as much on the other entries as your own. You might have an amazing entry and not win or get an award for an entry that still needs some work. It just depends on the quality of all the entries.

Things I Like:

I really love the message in this piece. Some great stuff in here. This line is particularly nice:

"Sing out loudly and don't apologize for making noise, for taking up space, for gathering in what you need to be satisfied."

Though, that 'sing out loudly' seemed odd to me because 'sing out loud' is something I've heard a few times before. Maybe it's a song or a slogan or something? No idea, but it was a little strange for me. Anyway...

I like the natural flow throughout. Some people just can't deal with long lines. To be honest, I'm one of them. I break my poetry heavily. *Laugh* Nice to see people who aren't afraid to let it roll.

You use some nice emotive language here. I also think you used subtle imagery wherever you could, which is quite nice.

Observations & Suggestions:

This is definitely not what you want to hear, but the first line sounded like a makeup or acne cream commercial to me. *Facepalm* Not what you're going for, I'm sure. The "Stop and think about it for a second" didn't work well for me either. I'm reading a poem... I don't necessarily love the second person POV. I don't want the poet to tell me what to do directly. That's not an awful thing necessarily... just a personal taste issue. I thought it was a bit awkward and off-putting for me personally. That is my biggest issue with the entire piece... that I'm being talked to. *Wink*

Somehow, the entire thing would work better for me if you were talking to.. something or someone else. The message would still hit the reader, but it wouldn't feel like a motivational speech. Again, just a personal preference that would be more effective for me. I don't even know if i'm part of your target audience, so put whatever stock in it you want. It did have a major impact on my enjoyment of the piece, so I had to mention it.

At any rate, I think that the first three lines are the weakest in the poem. I would definitely consider revising those. If the opening lines aren't really strong or interesting, people wont bother to keep reading, after all.

The poem does become stronger and stronger as it progresses, and it really does feel like it's moving. It's progressing and growing from beginning to end. A nice effect.

There are some grammar issues in here that could be smoothed out.

"Walk through that fire fearlessly." Dangling modifier. If a line ends with an adverb (an -ly word), then it is likely in the wrong place. "Fearlessly" modifies "walk"... so it needs to be near "walk"... "Walk fearlessly through..."

"When you feel alone tap into the energy" comma missing after 'alone'.

These are just a couple. Grammar is no fun, but in a complete-sentence poem, it should be correct when possible. Did we talk about this before? *Laugh* I think we might have, so I'll drop the grammar talk.

Final note here: The "you are loved, you are strong, you are mighty, you are blessed" and later "your body, your spirit, your heart" were not the strongest repetitions in the world. Together, they seemed bogged down to me. They aren't awful or anything, but they might have moved me more without the repetition. We know you're speaking to the reader by this point, so there's no real reason to say you you you you your your your.

Overall, I think that you have some really amazing things to say in this piece. I didn't love the means of saying them, I guess. The tone came off slightly bossy in my mind, right from the beginning. Again, this might just be my personality. I've never been a huge fan of being told what to do, even as a child. *Laugh* If you hear the same again from a few other people though, you may want to give it a critical look at the POV. I can't fault you for the style you used. It is consistent throughout, and that's what matters really. There are still some areas for improvement... some places that could use some minor tweaks. A nice entry though, and I hope you do well in the contest! *Smile*

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Review of Autumn's Ceremony  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello! *Smile* I'm the poetry judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window. and thought that you might like some feedback on your poem. Keep in mind that placing in the contest depends as much on the other entries as your own. You might have an amazing entry and not win or get an award for an entry that still needs some work. It just depends on the quality of all the entries.

Things I Like:

It's a small world! I was just poking around in your portfolio a few hours ago, and now, here you are again! *Laugh*

I like your writing style. It is heavy on the description, but that isn't what struck me. You use strong action verbs. That is always a plus in my book.

There are an abundance of flashy words used in this piece, and many of them are used to great effect.

The flow in certain areas is very nice. Most notably, toward the end of the first stanza and the beginning of the second.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are areas in which the adjectives overwhelmed the subject matter. Picking and choosing those moments to describe in detail makes them that much stronger. I tend to be a bit over-the-top with that myself though. Better to have overwhelming imagery than too little in my opinion.

There are a few times where you broke lines just before prepositions... "of chiffon" (you need two F's in 'chiffon' by the way)... in ceremonial nuptial... for the wilting's. Sometimes a strong word placed as a line opener makes it even stronger. Just an observation... no suggestion.

Nice assonance with the "ceremonial nuptial ritual" by the way.

Now, the biggest issue with this piece for me is that the description is so obvious. You introduce a fairy in the first line, and then we find words like chiffon, ethereal, shimmers, delicate, gossamer... flimsy, flighty, willowy... there is nothing interesting about using these descriptions for a piece involving a fairy. There's no hook. There's nothing quirky about it. These are the obvious adjectives people would use to describe a fairy, which made me feel like, "Okay, I've read this before". It's just a bit dull.

Speaking on the hook a little more: I love love love the words imaginary and invisible. I use both in usernames on the internet. I even use one in a few email addresses. That said, using them together is... silly. If it is imaginary, clearly it is invisible to anyone else. There's no reason to use both. It just seemed like a, "Well, obviously!" moment to me.

The best bits of phrasing in the entire piece are the unexpected ones. Confetti... awesome word choice! It's not shimmery, lovely, and delicate. It is interesting. It catches the eye. It's awesome. "Branches denuded" is a nice one too.

There are times when the flow gets a bit bogged down. I might try setting aside the piece for a few months and then reading it aloud. If you stumble over anything, tweak it. The flow will be better for it.

One small note: You left in an HTML tag "in gorgeous fallen maple leaves<br>". *Wink*

Overall, I think that this piece has really strong moments. I do think that it could use some work. It feels a bit belabored for something that seems like it should be light in tone. Part of that is the flow, and part of it is the heavy heavy use of adjectives. The one aspect that could really use the most improvement though is the opening. There is nothing unexpected or super interesting in there. Pretty? Sure. Unique? Not really. If I wasn't judging the piece, I might have stopped reading around the "delicate gossamer" point, thinking "Okay... I get it". All of the best writing happens after that. I'd strongly consider working on that hook. Thanks for a nice read and good luck with the contest!

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Review of Break Free  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello! *Smile* I'm the poetry judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window. and thought that you might like some feedback on your poem. Keep in mind that placing in the contest depends as much on the other entries as your own. You might have an amazing entry and not win or get an award for an entry that still needs some work. It just depends on the quality of all the entries.

Things I Like:

The rhymes are pretty solid here. I tend to like slant rhymes better, but some of these are quite nice. Work/Berserk, for instance, is a nice one.

I like the general topic and meaning here. I think that pretty much anyone could relate to it on some level. That's a great thing if you want it to have a broad audience.

The tone is very fitting for the topic as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

The repetition of "so many" didn't strike me as very effective here. It didn't grab me. The opening lines are the hook, so the stronger the better! The "so much" immediately tells the reader that this will be a conversational style piece, which works. Repeating it just adds bulk and not meaning. I'd consider cutting the second one.

"I want to make true" seems a bit strange. "make true"... I can see why you'd want to avoid the cliched "dreams come true", but "make" doesn't work super well. I might look into a stronger verb there. An action verb would do more to grab the reader as well.

There are many opportunities in this piece to use emotive language. An example:

"None of the ones that I like, I find" -- "like" isn't very emotive. It doesn't conjure feelings in the reader. Something more specific, like "cherished" or "pleasant" or "extraordinary", add some feeling. Stronger word choice makes your ideas sing in poetry. You might as well use them where you can. I do love the meaning of the line here, by the way.

You use two "just"s in this piece. Both of them take away from the meaning of the words. "The urge to JUST run away" is not as strong as "The urge to run away". It pulls focus from the meaning without adding anything. See what I mean?

You have some odd commas in here. "All I want, is to break free"... no comma needed. "Is like having a concert, and not having a mike"... no comma needed.

By the way, it is "mic" not "mike", as you're talking about a microphone. *Smile*

The flow is off here and there. "is more than words can ever say / Having one life, and not doing what you like", for instance, is not a smooth transition. The natural rhythm falters here. If you set the piece aside for a few months and then read it again aloud, you might have an easy time smoothing out the flow. Any time you get tripped up, tweak the line. You'll end up with better flow.

Overall, I think this is a pretty nice piece that has some good ideas. There is feeling in the poem, but it didn't make me feel anything as a reader. Some emotive language would help, as would cleaning it up and letting the words shine (like removing those "just"s and tightening up the wording here and there). There is room for improvement, but I think the poem would be well worth the effort. Thanks for your entry and good luck in the contest! *Smile*

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Review of Alone  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello! *Smile* I'm the poetry judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window. and thought that you might like some feedback on your poem. Keep in mind that placing in the contest depends as much on the other entries as your own. You might have an amazing entry and not win or get an award for an entry that still needs some work. It just depends on the quality of all the entries.

Things I Like:

I'm always stoked to see non-rhyming free verse entries, as they are a bit rare for this contest. I'm a non-rhyming free verse junkie myself, so bring on the poetry!

You have some really nice phrasing in this piece. I quite like some of your line breaks as well. I particularly love the "oblivious to the / forgiveness" break. I am a huge fan of beginning lines with strong words. *Thumbsup*

The 'look away' bit is perfect for this piece, and the punctuation works well.

The "Communication / overload; nothing's heard" lines are the strongest in the entire piece. Love it.

Observations & Suggestions:

I would consider ending with the strongest lines.. "Communication / overload; nothing's heard". Way stronger than a lone "Alone". That struck me as a bit boring. It's seen many pieces that end with the single word "Alone". In this piece, the overwhelming feeling isn't abandonment or loneliness. It IS, however, about communication. The "Soft / unspoken words" that end with "Communication / overload..." would be lovely and perfect in my opinion. Of course, that is just my opinion. Do with it what you will. *Wink*

The "Splintered" and "shattered" lines border on cliche as well. I've heard lines exactly like them many many times. It's not that they aren't good. Of course they are! They're just not very interesting. The use of 'splintered' and 'shattered' so close together are particularly dull. I could find many poems right here on WDC that do the same thing. It isn't bad... but it could be stronger and more personalized somehow. Just my two cents.

I thought it was weird that the "soft" words fell "heavily". It was striking and quirky, which is good. But it bordered on just... strange. No suggestion for change. Just thought I'd mention it.

The "can't" in the third stanza surprised me. It was the first contraction in the poem, and it happened pretty late. I am not a big fan of contractions unless the poem is very conversational. This one is not conversational. That "can't you see it is all a" is the weakest line in the poem in general, actually. There isn't a single interesting word in there, and it is an awkward sort of phrase that doesn't flow as well as the rest of the poem. I might consider revising. The "nothing's" contraction wasn't as striking as the "can't", but I'd consider tweaking that one too.

One final suggestions here... and this one may be out there for you... but I would use spaces for the "mis-under-stand-ing?" line. I love broken words in free verse and use them whenever it is fitting. I've rarely seem an instance where this would be MORE fitting.

"mis under stand ing?"

At a glance, people might think, "Oh, a typo" as 'under' and 'stand' are words... but once they hit 'ing', it will make sense. Basically, it causes an exceedingly brief misunderstanding... a very calculated misunderstanding. I think it is a fabulous idea, but I'm just throwing it out there for you to ponder if you feel like it. *Wink*


Overall, this was a nice read. It has some really strong moments and good flow. There is room for improvement, but it is a good entry! *Smile*

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371
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Happy WDC B-Day! *Smile*

Some things I Like:

The description for this piece caught my eye (as did its placement in your highlighted items). I pretty much knew what I was in for, given the awardicons and ratings. I was ready to smile.

You did not disappoint. There are tons of super amusing lines in this piece. It was much longer than I expected it to be, but it never became stale or boring.

Observations & Suggestions:

I was surprised at the narrative quality of this piece. I expected a tirade or overtly harsh humor, really. This was much more than I envisioned from the description.

If I tried to give this an in-depth review, it would go on and on for ages. As a whole, the poem is very clever. You hooked me from the very first line. Awesome intro! A "poetry prom" is super amusing and brings to mind many of the trappings of the contests you're spoofing.

Anyway, thanks for the fun read! It's nice to stumble across a lengthy poem now and then that has some real entertainment value. *Smile*


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Review of Free to Write  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Happy WDC B-Day! *Smile*

I've been poking around a bunch of portfolios tonight, reviewing here and there. I stumbled across your port once again (yes, I've been here a number of times before for whatever reason). This caught my eye again.

I have had Free to Write in my favorites since sometime in July. I love the entire idea of prompted automatic writings. I haven't done any since Creative Writing class back in high school, some 14 years ago. I loved it at the time, and those writings became the basis for stories on more than one occasion. It's just a great practice.

I intend to give it another try at some point, and this is the perfect venue to do that.

I also looove that you don't offer fancy rewards and that it isn't a contest. Sometimes encouraging people to write for the sake of writing is the best gift you can give.

In short, I dig it. Awesome idea, and I love that it is low-key. *Thumbsup*

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Review of Choices  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm not sure if I've ever given you a review or not, Cheri. I decided to dig through some of my newbie friends' portfolios and stumbled across this piece. I figured that I might as well give you some feedback. *Smile*

Things I Like:

I like the story itself. The reader can absolutely fill in the blanks here. I presume that he or she ran away from home after a fight with the parents, but it could also be a poorly kept facility... psych ward/juvenile detention center. It is open to interpretation, but regardless or the specific setting, the uncomfortable and depressing atmosphere comes through.

You packed quite a bit of emotion into the piece. For 100 words, that is quite impressive.

I love the description. It is just the right amount. You provided some good imagery that set the mood but didn't toss around so many adjectives that reading became a chore. Nice balance there.

I also like that it is in present tense. I honestly think that present tense adds some mystery and urgency to most stories that utilize it.

Observations & Suggestions:

This is a short piece, and you seemed to use lots of compound predicates. I fall and let. I force and walk. I hang and begin. These three sentences make up the bulk of the story, and the repeated sentence structure did not go unnoticed. It began to feel repetitive. I might consider varying the sentence structure a little bit more.

Similarly, most of the subject here are "I". That also gets repetitive. There are work arounds. Instead of saying "I force myself to open the splintered door..", for instance, you might say "The splintered door creaks as I push against its pock-marked surface". It's pretty much the same thing... it just uses a different subject. I'm not suggesting that you use this exactly, but I wanted to give you some idea of how you might vary the subjects a little more.

"to open the splintered and pock-marked door and walk" The ands here tripped me up. I'd consider 'splintered, pock-marked door and walk".

I hear her say “Baby is that you?” ...comma after 'say'.

Overall, I like the piece. I think that it works very well for the most part. Varying the sentence structure and subjects will help your writing in general... it is more engaging for the reader. So, practicing by revising this piece might be helpful to you in the long run. Still, it is an enjoyable read. *Smile*


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374
Review of REUNION  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy WDC B-Day! *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I think this was a sad little piece, but it was an enjoyable read. I greatly prefer flash fiction to elicit some sort of emotion anyway, regardless of what emotion that might be.

This could have been creepy, but you kept it light enough so that it never became super dark. Resignation and sadness... that is what came across.

Observations & Suggestions:

It seemed like a given that he was looking at a gravestone/memorial from the first two lines. If he's looking for his own name, then clearly he is dead. That pretty much killed any hope of a twist or strong moment of revelation at the end, but it did add to the resigned tone.

It is interesting to think how long Ted was around before going off to join the others. Just... wandering around talking to himself until he couldn't take it anymore was how it read to me. Interesting.

I thought it was a little strange that on a memorial, they would use "Ted" rather than "Theodore". It was equally strange that he didn't read his LAST name on the memorial. It isn't a big deal, but I did find it a little odd.

Looking at his watch and seeing that it was time to go seemed very odd too, as we already know he is dead. Wouldn't he just feel that it was time to go rather than seeing it on his watch? Or is the reader not supposed to know at this point that he was dead?

I was wondering if the inscription on the memorial was real. Is there such a memorial in real life, and if so, is that what it says? It doesn't really matter in terms of the story... I was just curious. *Laugh* Anything that makes me actually think about something in a story this short is good, really.

A final note here, I thought that you overused the dash punctuation. It got a little bit annoying for me. Again, not a big deal, but I thought I'd mention it. Most of the time, a comma or sentence fragment would have sufficed. The broken quality did create a strong voice for the story though, which was nice.

Overall, I think this is a nice piece. It could be stronger in certain areas, but it's pretty good as it is right now. There's no surprise or twist, but it was an entertaining read nonetheless. *Smile*

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375
375
Review of Soon Enough  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Happy WDC B-Day! *Smile*

Some things I Like:

Every once in a while, it's nice to do some anniversary reviews! I don't think that I've popped into your portfolio for years. Anyway, I had to poke through the flash folder because I do love super short fiction.

Robert is a pretty strong character, which is always impressive for flash fiction. his feelings for Bess came through quite nicely, as did the fondness for Jessica.

Observations & Suggestions:

To be honest, you gave away the ending with Jessica's first line, "Grandpa, don't do this. Gran wouldn't want this." It told me instantly that his wife died and he was about to kill himself. So... there was no surprise at the end and no surprises along the way. One of the reasons I love flash is the twist or the moment of revelation at the end that ties the story together. This piece lacked that a little.

It's hard to feel anything but disgust for someone who would shoot himself in front of his granddaughter or knowing that his granddaughter would find him. I thought that was a little... sick. If he didn't hear her out there... if he was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he didn't notice... he wouldn't come across as a selfish jerk.

You could still have the same ending too. If the reader knows it is the granddaughter, but Robert only notices the knocking at the last moment without recognizing who is there, he still might say goodbye in this manner. You might also get away with his last words being "I'm coming!" or "I'll be right there!". It would leave the reader wondering... is he talking to his dead wife or to his granddaughter at the door? That is a chill-inducing, sad type of moment.

Overall, I wasn't super moved by the piece. I think that if Robert was more deserving of sympathy, it would have had a bit more of that tear-jerker quality. I might also try to veil what is happening for a little while longer, just to give the reader that slow-dawning "wow" moment. It's a decent read as-is, but it could pack a stronger emotional punch with a bit of revision. *Smile*

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