\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cinnamonfringe/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/19
Review Requests: OFF
1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 15 16 17 18 -19- 20 21 22 23 24 ... Next
451
451
Review of Eternal Vow  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you're enjoying it here!

Things I Like:

This is a very short poem! The flow is quite good... there were no areas that really tripped up my rhythm when reading, despite the different line lengths. There are places where you could add a word or two if you wanted without harming the flow too, which would be helpful if you decided to play with this piece. Personally, I love rewriting, revising, and editing my poetry... you never know what amazing thing you'll come up with!

Some of the words used here are quite strong too.

Observations & Suggestions:

Lots of the words are staples in poetry that, to me, should be used in a very interesting way if they're used at all: love, eternal, forever, storm. These are used constantly in poetry. Did you do something unique and interesting with them? If you can't honestly say "yes", you may want to think about playing with them some more. *Smile*

Loves eternal vow to me is sown

This poem could easily have proper grammar. That said, I wont harp on it. *Wink*

This line seems to be twisted to make the rhyme fit, and if you untwist it, the general strangeness of the line's meaning becomes clear...

"Love sows its eternal vow to me" Odd. Love is planting a vow to you? The syntax is a bit strange, but the choice of "sown" with "to me" is also odd. On a side note, "is sown" is passive voice, which usually isn't ideal. I would definitely consider playing with this line a bit. Even a small change could make a big difference. By the way, "loves" should be "love's" as its written now.

"its mystery to remain forever unknown" This is a pretty solid line. I might consider using "will" instead of "to" for a stronger statement. It "will remain forever" seems more sure to me, but that is really up to you. It sounds fine as it is.

"upon its wings I am bourn" This is missing a comma after "wings". The line is very solid and flows well. I would think about changing "its" in this line OR in the last line though. It's a bit of repetition that distracted me somewhat. I'd try to think of a synonym for "love" to use in this line, personally.

and carried through the weathered storm

This line seems to be a wee bit off as far as flow goes. It's just slightly long for the rhythm to be super smooth. Not a big problem though... very minor really. The problem I have with this line is "weathered storm". A storm 'weathers' things... it doesn't become "weathered" itself, right? I tend to think of storms as a burst of energy that then dissipates too... no time to become "weathered" or worn. Know what I mean?

Finally, you seem to have quite a few things going on here. "Sown" is a farming/planting type reference. "wings" is more like a bird. Neither have anything to do with "storm". They're all somewhat natural, but they are otherwise not cohesive at all. My suggestion here would be to pick a metaphor and run with it. Make each nature reference about storms, wind, rain, etc... or make them all about sowing seeds, blooming, growth... or make them all about wings, soaring, freedom. Pick one and let it fly. All three together don't work well in my mind.

Overall, I think this is a pretty sounding stream of words, but the meanings are a bit hazy. I'm not entirely sure what you were going for here aside from "pretty sounding", if you know what I mean. There was no real emotional connection for me and no strong cohesive element to pull it all together. It flows like a poem... it rhymes... there are some nice words/phrases. Otherwise, it is a wee bit messy. I'd strongly consider revising this piece, but it's your piece. If you're happy with it, that's what matters! *Smile* If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read.


*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
452
452
Review of Weep  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

I hope you enjoy yourself here (once you return from your holiday-- I hope).

Things I Like:

I like the general vibe. I do tend to like dark pieces!

The tone is melancholy, which is quite nice. Some of the word choices are lovely! I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a poem, a piece of flash fiction, or prose poetry... really, it could be any of them with some basic editing. I suppose I'm saying that the piece has poetic moments, whether intended as poetry or not. *Wink*

You use strong action verbs in this piece. I love that style, personally. It draws a reader into the piece. Shrouds, decimating, charring, searing... all very nice.

Observations & Suggestions:

I think that the opening line could be a bit stronger. I like the idea, but the wording is a bit... bulky I guess. Something like "The days we scream aren't those of trials..."? It would streamline the sentence and make the idea shine in my opinion. Of course, I'm a big fan of concise writing... it's really up to you.

The darkness that shrouds our eyes wake the hidden terrors of our soul, erupting from a core so deep within ourselves we fear it.

There are some issues with this sentence. First, "wake" should be "wakes" because the subject it "darkness"... darkness wakes not wake. Second, "our" is plural, so "soul" and "core" should be "souls" and "cores". Also, using our-our-ourselves is a bit overly wordy for my tastes-- if there is a way to simplify the sentence to remove one of the "our"s, I'd do it. Again, a matter of taste though... it's your opinion that matters.

Speaking of repetitions, this piece is very short. For short work, it may be best to make every word count. Using "wake" three times in such a short piece gets tedious... it might be a good idea to use a different form (awaken?) or something to change it up.

...so deep within ourselves
...so thin and ethereal
...so tight as to replace

These uses of "so" distracted me as well. I'm very sensitive to repetition and patterns. Unless the repetition is beautifully done, it tends to draw me out of the piece. The second one distracted me, and if the piece wasn't almost finished by the time I read the third, I probably would have stopped reading. It seems like such a minor thing, but it's the type of repetition that either drives me a little nuts or bores me. Again, this is completely a personal preference, but I do think that in general, good writing minimizes this type of repetition. Something to think about anyway. *Wink*

Now, compare the repetition of "so" with the repetition of "weep" at the end. 'Weep' is action... it's an emotional sort of word... it's a strong word choice. Repeating it could potentially conjure emotion in the reader. That is repetition with definite potential! Does the repetition of "so" make a statement? Does the repetition of "wake" serve a real purpose? Wake could be repeated effectively! It's a matter of placement. Say, the first and last lines... that might make a real impact. Basically what I'm saying is: make every word count and be purposeful about what you repeat. In such a short piece, it can make an enormous difference! *Smile*

Fear, anger, panic are a second skin worn so tight as to replace humanity. Weep, if you have it within you.

If you have what within you? Humanity? That is the closest thing that it could be modifying, but I get the feeling that you mean "weep, if you have fear, anger, and pain within you"... right? If so, it should be "them" or "these" or something plural. Replacing it with something specific could help too, as just "them" reads a little funny there: "these feelings" or "this conflict" or "the pain", for instance.

Overall, I think this piece shows promise! An edit for grammar and some minor line revision could really add to the readability and enjoyment factors for me, but you should certainly do what makes you happy. It's your piece after all! *Smile*


*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
453
453
Review of Diagnosis  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Happy WDC B-day! *Smile*

I was just poking through your port, and the description of this piece looked interesting. I also love flash fiction! After reading it, I figured I might as well give it a review. *Wink*

Things I Like:

I like the general premise. A guy may or may not have killed his wife, two doctors are discussing it behind a two-way mirror. Interesting idea.

Most of the dialogue seems pretty natural.

If Josh was just staring straight at the mirror through the entire conversation between the doctors, I think that's pretty creepy. *Wink*

I do like ambiguous stories that are left open to interpretation.

Observations & Suggestions:

This story might have been a bit too open to interpretation for me. I can't say that I really have any idea what happened at the end. Someone mentioned "McCray", whoever that is, and then Josh... what? Switched to a split personality of his? Implicated the doctor? Snapped at the doctors who were never really there and just argued in his head? What?

Most of the dialogue here said the same thing: I think he killed his wife. I'm not sure if he killed his wife. He was covered in blood. He had the knife. It seemed like almost every detail was repeated to some degree or other, while the parts that were interesting weren't elaborated on. What was Josh's reaction to seeing the knife? I'd rather know what he did than find out he hadn't reacted to anything since then. Who is McCray... what was his testimony? For that matter, why were they already at trial if the month of observation wasn't over yet?

As I said... this story had loads of ambiguity. I do like being able to speculate, but this story raised far more questions than it answered.

Further complicating matters, you have 10 lines of dialogue between the doctors and only tell us who is speaking twice. That can get pretty confusing. A reader can assume that they took turns speaking to each other, so Dr. Mongs spoke first and said each odd numbered line. That would mean in the 5th line of dialogue, Mong said "I believe he does recall killing her" and then says he isn't sure if Josh killed her at all in the 9th line of dialogue. That's a super fast turnaround. If you streamlined the conversation a bit (cut down on the "did he?" "I think so" "I don't" "I'm not sure" stuff-- a line or two would be enough), you could put in some tags to tell us who is speaking once in a while.

Some other random things:

Dr. Phillips studied Josh through the two way mirror, who sat in a chair

The mirror didn't sit in the chair, right? I'd say this calls for rearranging. "Through the two-way mirror, Dr. Phillips studied Josh, who sat in a chair".

I doubt it. I mean to him, waking up with blood all over your clothes and finding your wife dead was very traumatic

As written now, there should be a comma after "I mean" to prevent confusion when reading. I'd suggest this change actually:

"I mean, waking up with blood...was very traumatic [for him]."

Overall, I don't know that I understood the ending well enough to say that I really "got" the story beyond: this dude may or may not be crazy and may or may not have killed his wife. The piece left me questioning nearly everything, and the lack of tags to tell the reader who was speaking got odd after a while-- both because of the confusion and because stories tend to flow strangely with nothing but dialogue for extended periods of time. Basically, you sparked my interest and managed to keep it for quite a while, but there was no payoff for me. I'd be very interested in giving this another read if you decide to revise the story. It would be interesting to know what you intended, since I can inevitably think of a bunch of things that could be what you intended. *Wink* So, if you edit, let me know!


*Confettig* *Giftv* *Confettiv* Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window. *Confettig* *Giftv* *Confettiv*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
454
454
Review of Lipstick  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy WDC B-day! *Smile*

I stumbled across your port and peeked through a bunch of your poetry. I know this one is a bit old, but the title caught my eye. After reading it, I just had to give it a review. *Wink*

Things I Like:

The first stanza definitely got my attention. I love the line "Smudge-proof promises"... just awesome. I think that "don't apply / themselves here" is rather cute too. The promises don't apply here; lipstick doesn't apply itself here. Very cute, and the "themselves" was an interesting surprise.

Similarly, I like that "lipstick is only cover" can stand on its own as a statement, but the meaning changes when read with the next line. The "cracks between cigarettes and anger" is nicely worded too.

The final stanza is a dark twist. The poem had a melancholy, mildly angry tone anyway, but this stanza really took a darker turn. I dig the change in tone, but the stanza doesn't completely "get me there" or make me feel anything really. Still, I like the vibe, and I think that it was a perfect place to tell the reader what the actual shade of lipstick was.

The wedding vows provide a bit of setting or background story, depending on how one chooses to interpret the poem. I like the ambiguity personally.

Observations & Suggestions:

She smiles
at the image
in the cracked mirror.

The words that stand out to me the most in this stanza are: at the, in the. Not ideal probably. They just have a sing-songy quality that detracts a little from the tone of the poem, and I tend to find tiny words in lines this short distracting. I'd consider revision here to eliminate some or all of those small words.

Similarly, the line breaks could be a bit better in the next two stanzas. I'm not a huge fan of starting lines with boring words if it can be helped. "that" "the" "and" "a"... just not very interesting line beginnings. I'd cut "the" from the "the cracks" line... you don't need it really. The others, I'd just play with those line breaks for a while if the poem was mine. It's a personal preference of mine, to be sure, but it also adds visual appeal in general because the eye naturally goes to the first and last words in a line.

Overall, I like the poem! It's short and simple with an eerie quality that I enjoy. There is just enough imagery... it's neither overbearing nor barren. The flow is just fine. I really love some of the lines, though I do think the first and third stanzas have the best lines and details. Having a really strong final stanza is best, but the one you have here works... just not the strongest in the poem. If you decide to revise any of this, I'd love to give it another read. *Smile*


*Confettig* *Giftv* *Confettiv* Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window. *Confettig* *Giftv* *Confettiv*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
455
455
Review of Motherless  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
I've looked at a few of your poems, and I decided to review this one. I think your writing shows promise, but I have some recommendations as well. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I like the juxtaposition of the 'motherless child' and the 'childless mother'. It's an eloquent way to describe both sides of the story.

The story itself is sad but hopeful and could be very powerful.

I think that you have some really nice elements of storytelling throughout. You've managed to tell a pretty complete story in very few words... I can appreciate a narrative poem, and this has just enough story to qualify in my opinion.

Observations & Suggestions:

Your use of pronouns can be a bit confusing at times, as both the mother and child seem to be female. For instance:

Praying she'll learn from this time that she must spend away
Because her child needs her now with her she needs to stay

Now, these lines use 3 "she"s and 3 "her"s... that may be too many for just two lines and could cause confusion as well. Synonyms are wonderful things and can create a better character for the reader to latch onto. Is the mother young, old? Thin, fat? Frail, robust? Describe her. Same with the child. It would break up the monotony of the pronouns and give readers something more to relate to. A "she" could be "the distraught woman" or "fragile child" or "hopeful daughter", etc.

Another easy way to remove some is by simplifying your lines. Concise can be more powerful at times, and tightening the lines could be very helpful and make the piece more readable. For instance, the "time that she must spend away" could be said in much more concise fashion: "time spent away". Simple, straightforward, and no pronoun needed. Some more examples of line tightening that might make the poem more effective:

The motherless child sitting there crying and she's feeling so all alone

The "sitting, crying, feeling" is a bit monotonous and makes the line lengthier than necessary to get your meaning across. Less is often more in poetry. I might suggest something like this:

"The motherless child sits and cries, feeling all alone"

It says the same thing but cuts a pronoun (she) and streamlines the line. The shorter version also would allow you to add more detail if you chose, for instance:

"The motherless child sits in the bunk and cries, feeling all alone" This has the same number of syllables and may draw a reader into the poem... what bunk? This isn't an amazing change or anything, but it serves as an example. Tighten those lines and you can pack some more detail, and therefore more emotional attachment, into the poem for the readers. It also offers the opportunity to include more imagery.

Another area for improvement: punctuation. I know that grammar isn't fun, but proper punctuation would help this piece greatly. Commas and periods tell the reader when to pause in their reading (which can add dramatic effect as well as ease of reading), and periods are just as useful. This piece switches points of view from mother to daughter... periods could help indicate to the reader that the change is about to occur.

For a piece like this, you can punctuate just as you would a paragraph in a story. If you want more help with that, some people on WDC offer classes, and I would even be willing to help you myself... just email me. An example:

The motherless child there watching the door hoping it will open soon

This line is very awkward when read aloud, but it wouldn't be so difficult to read or jarring to the ear with proper punctuation. The "there" is awkward in general actually, and the "watching / hoping" is as odd sounding as it was in the other line I mentioned... so I might suggest this:

"The motherless child watches the door, hoping it will open soon."

First, the comma and period provide the reader with much needed pauses. Second, this creates action. The child watches. Action verbs tend to draw a reader in and push them along when reading a poem. It keeps them interested.

I like the end of the poem... it has a hopeful, lovely sentiment. I was surprised that it ended happily because the tone was rather desolate throughout, but it was a nice surprise I suppose.

Overall, the story, flow, and tone are good. The rhymes don't seem forced for the most part. I didn't really feel connected to either the mother or child when reading, and I didn't feel anything when reading the poem either. I do think that the piece requires some editing and polish. My general philosophy when revising poetry: save a copy and play with it... save another copy and play with it some more. Eventually, you will end up with a piece that draws an emotional response from the reader. Good luck if you decide to revise.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
456
456
Review of Watchful Tree  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Happy WDC B-Day, and Happy holidays as well! *Smile*

Some things I Like:

The opening lines are strong. I had to keep reading after that first line... it drew me in. Quite effective!

The "Branching cells inside...pull & fall" is a gorgeous stanza! The flow is perfect, and every individual word aside from a single 'that' carries punch. Amazing word choice here.

The repeated line at the end is well written, and I love the meaning as well. This is repetition done correctly... it calls attention to the message, and the interjection of the 'rock, scissors, paper' reference is not only beautifully written but reinforces the connection to childhood (innocent, school begins, grade six... and a child's game). It also breaks the repetition just enough to create even more impact on the reader. Very nice in general. Love it!

A small note: I also like the wording of 'grade six' rather than 'sixth grade'. It fits the voice of the poem quite well.

The flow and wording are strong throughout, and I appreciate both very much.

Observations & Suggestions:

The only minor issues I have with this piece relate to presentation rather than the writing itself. The italicized like "or sits alone" is quite nice, but the italicized "closed" appears so close to that line that it is visually unappealing. I might suggest increasing the spacing to draw attention to the word... or possibly a deeply staggered line break. Something other than italics for the word would be nice.

I also don't think that the "..." is necessary at the end of the "whipping leaves" line. I love mid-sentence stanza breaks, but I usually find the addition of "..." distracting. Anyone seriously reading the poem would know that the line continues without the punctuation telling us so.

Overall, I love the poem! I am always happy to stumble upon good poetry on WDC. I guarantee that I'll be back to read more. *Wink*

*Confettig* *Giftv* *Confettiv* Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window. *Confettig* *Giftv* *Confettiv*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
457
457
Review of Winter Memory  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy WDC B-Day! Happy Holidays as well! *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I do love haiku... a great form. You wrote with clarity, as is necessary in such a short format. *Smile*

nomadic snow dunes This is an amazing opening line. Quite an apt description really... they do tend to migrate depending on the direction of the wind. Love the imagery the line brings to mind.

I also quite like the action here... the nomadic snow dunes 'hide' the landscape of fall. It is written quite simply, but I find it effective.

Observations & Suggestions:

hide autumn's garden discord On first read, the syntax seemed a bit odd to me. There is something strange about "autumn's garden discord". It appears that 'garden' is used here to modify 'discord', which was somehow jarring on my first read through. Autumn's discord... what kind of discord? Garden discord. I don't find this terribly problematic, but it sounded quite strange the first time through. Just thought I'd mention it.

The final line, while quite lovely, seemed like a leap from the first two lines. The first two, grammatically, create a sentence. The third seems to be its own thought. I would strongly consider punctuating this poem. On a side note though, you used a 4-syllable word with a monosyllabic word for this final line and still kept the poem flowing smoothly. That is not always easy.

Overall, it is a lovely little piece. The first line is particularly clear and concise. Again, Happy WDC B-day! *Smile*

*Confettig* *Giftv* *Confettiv* Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window. *Confettig* *Giftv* *Confettiv*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
458
458
Review of Grampy's Girl  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
It just occurred to me that I've never given you a "real" review. About time I did! *Wink*

Some things I Like:

I'm not sure what you did to the story, but it is much smoother now. The beginning is super enjoyable. The end is very cute. I noticed a few small grammar things that I thought I'd mention, but otherwise, the only thing I would consider changing now is a bit of the organization.

Observations & Suggestions:

No one in their right mind would challenge him. My Grandmother, being the typical subservient wife of that era.

The "My grandmother" line isn't a complete sentence. A few fragments here and there are fine in a piece like this (in my opinion) because of the voice used to tell the story-- pretty formal with hints of color here and there. Still, you could do something like this:

"My grandmother, being the typical subservient wife of that era, would never challenge him. No one in their right mind would, in fact." Or something like that. It makes the sentences complete anyway.

My Grandfather was your typical Italian man. Loving family fiercely, but ruling with an iron hand.

This is similar. The "loving family" line is a fragment. Again, it isn't a big deal so long as they are just occasional. Still, this one is very easy to "fix".

"My [g]randfather was your typical Italian man, loving family fiercely but ruling with an iron hand." This is perfectly grammatically correct.

We talked about the rules for capitalizing family members yesterday, so I would guess you wouldn't have edited this again since then. The "grandfather" here isn't capitalized because it isn't being used as a name. You also don't need the comma before the but. You only need a comma in front of but in a few instances... primarily, if what follows the but is a complete sentence. *Smile*

The Organization:

The long "as told to me" part breaks up the action of the "story" more than the first italicized part. Rather than shorten the section, as I know it is important for both you and the story, I would consider reorganizing. Just moving one paragraph (the "at his usual game day" paragraph) and a few minor line revisions. Let me spin an idea for you:

The little girl knocks grampy down, helps him up, family freaks. Section ends with "I would be the victim of his wrath for what I had done..."

That could lead perfectly into the section about why. For a minute, let's take out the "at his usual game day" flashback.

So... the first section ends with "I would be the victim". Go right into "My grandfather was your typical" paragraph but add a line to the end. Something like this maybe:

She was much like her father in her stubborn ways and probably the most difficult of the five. I learned later that her stubbornness played a role in my becoming the apple of grampy's eye.

Shortly after I was conceived..

So, the line I wrote to transition from one paragraph to the next isn't perfect, but you see how that would make it a smooth transition and keep the action going? Basically, that long section would really become part of this story, at least in my mind. I don't think it would even need italics anymore if you do a minor tweak to the paragraph after this section... like:

I became the light of my grandfather's life.

My family may have resented the special treatment at times. Those gathered at the table gradually returned to their various conversations.

The "at his usual game day perch" paragraph could be added much earlier. Example:

...He accepted my outreached hand and together we righted him again.

He had been standing at his usual game day perch listening to the Indians... ... ... to the chagrin of my grandmother.

"How many times have I told you to stop that horseplay, Tilda?

This slight revision of how the sentence starts "He had been standing" makes this a natural part of the story... no italics needed. The "to the chagrin of my grandmother" also neatly introduces the grandmother's scolding. So... what do you think? hehehe

All of this may seem far more complicated than it is. I can toss the story together using this type of organization and send it to you if it would help you see what I mean. *Wink*

So overall... I think your revisions were great! The organization stuff just struck me as I read it this time. That tends to be something I'm good at: technical junk like organization and transitions. I'm sure we'll talk about this more in a little bit, but for now, review finis! *Smile*

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
459
459
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you come back to see the reviews people have left for you!

Some things I Like:

You have some lovely moments in this poem! I especially like the idea of her being crosses, you being noughts, and hoping for a draw. Clever, sweet, and simple!

Observations & Suggestions:

I love the first stanza, but the repetition of "she" seems entirely unnecessary to me. It makes the stanza bulkier than it could be, and the word itself isn't interesting to look at or hear. "She drinks like a fish / smokes like a chimney / knows all the codes of my heart"... much sleeker. The "to get in me" has no focal point for me, no interesting word to draw my attention. Something like "to get inside" would work a bit better, as "inside" is more interesting sounding that "in". I don't think the "me" is necessary since it seems that you're talking about her getting into your heart.

The sudden rhyming threw me for a minute. The first stanza is the strongest in the poem, in my opinion, and it doesn't rhyme. Why add a rhyme scheme all of a sudden? *Wink*

I love the "eyes like the sea" detail, but what does the color of her eyes have to do with "walking about"? These seem like random thoughts stuck together or something. *Wink* "the wants of my needs" is a rather strange phrase. Your needs have their own wants? That is what the line says right now. Something like "Knowing my wants, the need to be free" would make more sense to me, but I'm not sure if that is what you mean. I do think the line needs some kind of tweaking.

"of my ever thoughts" is another phrase that seems odd to me. I've never seen "ever" used in quite this way before. If you mean "constant thoughts", I think you could find a better way to say it. If that isn't what you mean, I definitely think a change could make your meaning more clear!

I love "She being crosses - I being noughts"! I'm usually not a fan of "being" used like this, but it works here. As mentioned before, I like the metaphor too.

The final line also has odd phrasing. "that I most hope for best". I think what you're going for here is "The best I can hope for is a draw"... right? If so, this line is rather twisty and weird. I think I'd rewrite it to smooth it out and make the meaning clearer. The syntax is questionable, but I like the idea (if that is actually what you meant).

Overall, I think this is a sweet little poem! It needs a bit of revision, but it's a good effort and could be very good with a bit more work. *Smile*

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
460
460
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

You have some interesting word choice in this poem. The "soft lips dip into my virgin skin" is strange but intriguing, for instance.

I like most of what you have to say in this poem, but I think it could use a little polish.

Observations & Suggestions:

This is a very short poem, which means to me that every word should count. The more concise the wording, the better a short poem will be in my book.

I am not familiar to the touch of hands

First, "familiar to" is odd... I think "with" is a more appropriate preposition to use here. That said, this line is longer than it needs to be. Tightening up the wording could really make the line stronger. For example:

"I am unfamiliar with the touch of hands"

Or

"Inexperienced lover[,]
unfamiliar with the touch of hands.
Your hands."

This is not a major change, but it would make a big difference. Any small words that you remove will make those that remain shine.

I do really like the "touch of hands / your hands". It is the best part of the poem, in my opinion. It is well done repetition, an art that some poets have a difficult time mastering.

euphoria takes over my dream While this line is pretty sounding, the "dream" threw me a bit. What dream? I could understand euphoria taking over your thoughts, mind, reality, or anything else... but the word 'dream' to me could only mean a few things. 1. the person is daydreaming and suddenly started enjoying his/herself, 2. the person is asleep, or 3. the person is contemplating the future. I cannot imagine any of these being the case.

My spiritual high has reached its breaking point,
and this experience is unworldly.

I do like the end of the poem, but this is another place where less is more. Some line tightening could make the lines much more effective.

"My spiritual high reaches its breaking point" Does removing "has" change the meaning? Not much. If anything, it makes the reader more involved in the poem. The "has reached" just made it seem like it is all over rather than a lasting sort of experience.

"The experience is unworldly" This would be a lovely and very strong way to end the poem the "and this" is an uninteresting and unnecessary phrase here. Why not just jump straight to the point? It is also visually more appealing to use a simple 'the' rather than 'and this'.

Overall, I think that this could be an amazing poem. It would really only take 5 minutes worth of revision to get it there. It's certainly a good start! *Smile*


*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
461
461
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

For just "playing with words", you have some lovely lines and ideas in this poem. At the moment, it's difficult to say what I like about it, so I'll just get down to reviewing. *Smile*

Be forewarned: I'm a bit on the tired side (insomnia rears its ugly head). If anything I say in the review doesn't make much sense, email me! hehe

Observations & Suggestions:

The opening stanza caught my attention. I particularly like the "moving in and moving on" line. I might consider changing the final line to "dreams and fears" though, as most of the poem seems to deal with more fear than dreams.

I like the next stanza, but if the poem was mine, I would play with this a bit.

"Awake, alive, / and alone / to wander, wishing / and ranting, / splitting open.."

There are sooo many ways to break these lines, change the word forms, and otherwise play with this stanza... I love the possibilities. I think that I would definitely make the "splitting open" line a part of the "sentence" in the second stanza. It can still be set on its own, but it seems odd to me that it is its own sentence at the moment.

It would make more sense to me for the "Splitting open into daydreams" line to come directly before the "Am I nonsense?" line. These are two of my favorite lines in the poem, and they seem to go together. I might consider moving the "What am I trying" line to the end of the stanza, placing it just after "unmentioned and bashful". Right now, I don't think that the "I can't take the moment" line adds much to this poem. A rewrite or just eliminating it may be a good idea. It's lacking any sort of feeling for me.

I love the "Equal parts" line! I quite like the entire stanza really. That first line though is long enough to derail the flow. I'd consider breaking the line after "parts". The last line in the stanza is the weakest of the three. It is alright, but it seems to be missing something. I couldn't say what though. *Wink*

Love the "Nothing to ease... / on the back" lines. I might break the line between 'heavy' and 'breath' though. The words "on the"... it's just sort of a weak way to begin a line. The "I'm ashamed" is well placed in the poem, and setting it in it's own stanza makes the emotion pretty strong. It looks lonely and ashamed.

The "raw fact of life" doesn't flow very well, but I like the phrasing to some extent. I would play with this a bit. This stanza tells much of the poem's story, but the wording is a bit loose here and there. It is far bulkier than any part of the poem up to this point. "all I am and all I'll ever be"... these are all short words that sound repetitive, and I'm not convinced that it's effective, though I do like the meaning here. I thought the "everyone's personal unescapable mystery" was interesting, as "everyone" and "personal" seem to be contrasting terms. I don't really agree with the sentiment (not everyone considers it a mystery... some feel sure that they know what happens-- afterlives and all of that), but I'm not really critiquing the content so much as the writing of the content. *Wink* On a side note, I believe the word is "inescapable".

The next stanza is a bit bulky too. There are many small, rather uninteresting words in there. "The only thing I have on my side" is very conversational sounding, and there is not a single interesting word present. The entire beginning of the poem is packed full of interesting words... you didn't run out of them, did you? The last two lines are much the same. They're just a bit on the boring side.

At this point, I honestly think that I would end the poem with "I'm ashamed". It is the last strong line you had. It would drastically change the meaning of the poem as a whole though, so I suppose the best thing to do would be to rewrite the last three stanzas... make them more interesting. Pepper them with the types of spicy words you used in the beginning. Create an ending worthy of this poem.

Overall, I really like the beginning and middle. The meaning of the last few stanzas works for me, but the execution is rocky. I think a thorough revision could definitely improve this poem! That said, I really enjoy revising this type of poem! You have lots of good ideas and strongly worded phrases to play with... so have fun with it! *Smile*

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
462
462
Review of Endless  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

This is a sweet little poem. I like the sentiment, and I think that your word choice really shines in some areas. The flow is quite good as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

The repetitiveness is not always effective here. For instance, beginning consecutive lines with "The" is visually unappealing... in pretty much all cases, I think that the lines sound nicer without the second as well.

"The obstacles we confront,
Intersection that misdirect us"

"The feeling of devotion,
Excitement"

This looks and sound nicer to me. Picking and choosing your repetitions carefully can make a big difference.

"Your are my"... are any of those three words interesting? Do they speak volumes by themselves? Are they beautiful to look at? If no, then repeating them is probably not going to make the poem stronger.

Same thing with the "have been endless"... "have been" is boring looking and isn't terribly meaningful, so the repetition isn't very strong. I love the original content in the lines (basically, I love the lines without the "have been endless" tacked on the end.

For each of these, saying the repeated part once before or after would be much more effective in my opinion. I like what the lines say, but the repetition makes them somewhat unpleasant to my ear. Additionally, the meaning becomes a bit weaker each time. "Endless" has no impact on me at all by the end, which is a shame because it would be quite lovely if the word was used only once in the first line and once in the final line.

Endlessly searching to be with you I like this line. It does contain the only word that seemed odd to me though. "Searching". Is your love lost? It was never mentioned anywhere else that you would have to look for the person you love. Something like "Wishing to be with you" or something would make more sense if you are not actually looking for him/her.

I feel my affection will go on forever I quite like this line as well, but it sounds indecisive. Like you're saying "I might love you forever". If that is what you want, it works. If you want it to be a stronger statement, you can just drop the "I feel". It's one of those qualifier statements like "I might" or "I could possibly" or "I maybe"

Overall, I can envision this poem without the endless repetition (a bit tongue in cheek there... I apologize), and I really like it. Right now, it feels a bit bogged down to me instead of shining as an airy, light poem of love. Some revision could really improve it, but it is your poem. You should do with it what makes you happy. *Smile*

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
463
463
Review of The Experiment  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I do love scifi! The general idea for this story is fun. Some aliens created humanity and came back to check on it.

I also quite like the idea of both Blink and Cord tampering with the "experiment", but I would have loved to hear more about how they did it.

Some of the dialogue seemed pretty natural and effortless.

Observations & Suggestions:

Other parts of the dialogue were a bit awkward. "These humans have a mind...", for instance, didn't really work for me. Usually if someone is cut off in a bit of dialogue, I would expect one of two things. 1. That I could figure out what he meant to say or 2. That they didn't say enough to make me wonder what they were going to say. This had just enough to make me wonder but not enough so that I knew what he was saying. My curious mind rebels against that! hehe *Wink*

Other examples of the dialogue seeming a bit forced or awkward:

I saw what you did. I saw what you did here I would probably add an exclamation point after the first "saw what you did", and I would consider changing the wording very slightly in the next line. Maybe "I saw what you did! I know what you did here". This would make it less monotonous sounding.

Oh..... so this mission is actually a banishment I like this moment of realization, but it could be stronger. Blink was all bark and bluster before, so I would imagine that he'd have a harsher reaction. Maybe an alien curse? The way the line is written now, it also seems more like a writer telling the audience that they were banished than one alien talking to another. I'd consider changing the line to make it sound more conversational.

You have some good writing in this piece, but something jumped out at me (nearly choked me, if I'm honest)... This story has entirely too many questions in it! hehehe There are seven question marks in the story right now, and there are more questions without proper punctuation too, like:

How could a science experiment have gone so wrong. How were they going to fix up their baby before the master teacher realized what they had done Both of these should have question marks as well. These lines sound like an old radio announcer telling the story on old-timer radio, by the way. I can totally hear a, "Tune in next week for the conclusion of (da-da-dum!) The Experiment". *Wink*

More statements and less questions would really improve the readability in this story! They just got a bit tedious after a while, though I liked what they were saying sometimes.

Overall, I do really like the idea, and this is the perfect type of piece for flash fiction. The little twist at the end is a good idea too (though a bit more explanation about what they did and why they would be punished for it would make the ending stronger). A thorough grammar edit would be good, and revising some of those questions into statements could do wonders for this story. It's a good effort... it just needs some revision. If you decide to make some changes, I would be happy to give it another read and change my rating. It really does show promise! *Smile*

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
464
464
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Umbrellab* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! *Umbrellab*


Things I Like:

A 4.5 star rating is rather high for me, especially for a poem that has some grammar issues and whatnot, but this is just too fun! You brought mischief to a whole new level with this poem! *Wink*

You had great storytelling technique in this piece. The voice remained consistent for the most part, and the transitions from present to past and back again were well executed. There was no confusion at all.

The rhymes don't seem forced at all. The sentences don't twist to make the rhyme work (maybe just once), and they seem to be a natural part of the poem.

The details are great. Some of the "tricks" are classic, and some are just outrageous! Setting fire to pigeon tales? It adds a tiny bit of creepy, and for a poem about Halloween, that's to be expected.

The ending is absolutely perfect for this poem. It brings the reader back to the present and has the adult "taking back the tricks"... having a little fun of his own. I dig it!

My favorite part is probably going to the theater to swap ideas and cigarettes. Attempt to keep kids out of trouble: fail! *Delight*

Observations & Suggestions:

There are some missing commas in here, and some punctuation would help considerably when reading. A line like 'Hear them holler "Trick or Treat" Oh, what..' could really benefit from some proper punctuation. That said, I wont harp on it.

The flow in a few places seemed a tiny bit off to me... just by a syllable of so. For example:

We tipped over outhouses, up and down the street This seems to be missing a syllable that would make it flow well from the line before it. I might consider "tipped over [the] outhouses".

We would wait until the midnight hour
When all was quiet and calm
Then grace our sleeping neighbor’s porch, with lit manure bombs

The first line seems a bit long for the flow here. I might consider these minor changes:

"[Waiting] until the midnight hour
When all was quiet and calm
We'd grade our sleeping..."

It streamlines what you're actually saying, so the reading itself is smoother. More importantly, it decreases the size of that first line, restoring the flow. Similarly:

The town would show free movies
Every Halloween

"The town showed free movies" would make the first line a little shorter and improve the flow into the next lines.

These are just a couple of examples. Try reading the poem aloud, and any time that you stumble over the wording or rhythm, tweak it! That usually works for me.

The beginning of this poem is very tame and cutesy, which works wonderfully to contrast the nasty tricks throughout the poem. It also makes the ending that much more amusing in my opinion. It does lend to one problem though:

People like me, who enjoy a little mean-spirited fun for Halloween, may stop reading too soon because of the cuteness. I got as far as "before this crap begins" and thought that it was a strong word choice for this type of poem... I even checked the rating to see if it was really not an "E" rating. It was a very pleasant surprise for me to see the twist, and I do hope that others continue reading long enough to see it. No suggestion... just an observation.

Overall, the poem has a few issues with flow and could use some punctuation, but the story told here more than makes up for it! It's just a super fun read, and I'm definitely going to check out another of your pieces. *Smile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
465
465
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Irwin! Figured that I might as well give this a legitimate review instead of just emailing you about it. *Wink*

Some things I Like:

This story is actually longer than I usually read, as I adore very short fiction. It is fairly rare that a long story draws me in enough for me to read the entire piece and not just scan the last half. I read this piece in its entirety, not once but twice. You're a very solid storyteller.

The opening paragraph caught my interest. The first few lines gave us a glimpse of his longing, which reappears just frequently enough throughout to remind the reader that he still wants his wife, and the "glow in her eyes" line, in particular, sets up the story well.

The personification of his journaling voice is great! Referring to the voice as "buddy" here and there was especially nice. Everyone has that friend who gets them into trouble and talks them into things they know better than to do, but it is hard to escape a bad influence inside your own head. This is a nice touch. The dialogue between the man and his buddy also adds considerably to the tone of the story... the reader can expect something bad to happen. It's a bit ominous

My favorite part as far as the writing goes is in the paragraph with the wife and boss dancing. LOVE the ideas! Nearly prancing out of the thin fabric, the gilded appendage-- just some great writing in there!

The brief conversation with the bartender heightened the suspense nicely. He nearly tipped the husband over the edge, and personally, I enjoyed it!

The bit about Colonel Mustard is ridiculous, and I'm somewhat undecided on whether it is ingenious or cliche. I love the idea of a whimsical death... speaking of murder in terms of a board game that fairly young children can play is awesome! The precise person and weapon is a cliche, of course, but I don't think that another character or weapon would be as effective with the audience-- who else is there? The butler with the knife? It just wouldn't read as well. I do love what this part adds to the story, so I can get over the cliche killer. *Wink*

I'm glad that you killed the boss in the end. I would have been disappointed if you hadn't. You painted the boss as an unpleasant character, even without the addition of trying to sleep with the man's wife. It is fitting also that the man didn't murder his wife, as you've shown that he still cares for her.

Observations & Suggestions:

The death was over so fast! I do love gore, but I don't think that is necessarily needed in this story. I also think that in some ways, the quickness of the death "scene" mirrors what it would be like in real life. The feelings built up in the man for years and became worse and worse during the party. That is a slow build... and then his life changed in the blink of an eye. One decision, one action, and it's just over. So, the end was anticlimactic in my opinion, but it is also very appropriate. I'm not sure which is more important to you, so I just thought I'd mention it. No suggestion for change.

You used a bit of passive voice in the story, enough to distract me. For instance "she was hoping" rather than "she hoped" and "I was confronted" rather than "the near nakedness of her breasts and thighs confronted me".

Some other minor wording tweaks could improve readability as well. "His hands pressed around as much flesh as his greedy hands could grab," for instance, could be written much smoother: "He pressed as much flesh as his greedy hands could grab". The line is easier to read without the extra words, and it still gives me the impression that he's greeting guests (shaking hands) as well as grabbing some women (the wife). This type of general editing would be good throughout the story.

The 'pressing flesh' sentence is a very clever line, by the way. This is another line that falls in the 'dancing with the boss' paragraph. Love it!

Overall I think the story is good! You have moments of real brilliance in your wording and storytelling. As mentioned, the piece needs a fair amount of editing for grammar and readability, but that is to be expected in a draft. Well done, dear! I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

466
466
Review of The Wish  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
*Umbrellab* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! *Umbrellab*


Things I Like:

This is a sweet story, and I do think that it is a complete story, which can be difficult in 100 words or less. Well done on that! I'm a sucker for flash fiction in general, so I can really appreciate the compact story here.

Wishing on butterflies is such a cute idea! I've never heard of it before, but it has a rather romantic vibe to it.

I would love it if you'd include who taught her about wishing on butterflies... a grandparent maybe? Seems like a lovely opportunity to add some more sentiment. If it was her father who taught her, the last line could become "both her of her fathers in Heaven" too... extra cute.

Observations & Suggestions:

There is only one mention of the girl's name, and in all other instances, she is referred to simply as "she". The 'she spots', 'she makes' and 'she was' lines in the second paragraph are a bit monotonous sounding. I would consider tossing some synonyms or another mention of her name in there somewhere.

She was taught that her wish would be carried to Heaven. This is one of my favorite lines from the story, but I think it could be written in a stronger way. As mentioned, saying who taught her would be a nice detail and take the passive voice away from "was taught". The "would be carried" could be stronger too. I might consider something like:

"Sarah's father taught her that the little white wings would carry her wish to Heaven." First, it would give a reason as to why the white ones were special-- those were the 'wish butterflies'. Second, it mentions the white butterfly... currently, there is no mention of the butterfly in the second paragraph except "one" and "it". Not very descriptive, and since the whole idea is wishing on a butterfly, it seems like a good idea to mention it again. *Wink*

The tense switching threw me a little bit. In the first sentence, "She liked" and the next lines are present tense. I found it jarring when I first read it. The "was taught" in the second paragraph worked a little better for me, but it may be a cool idea to make the first paragraph past tense and the second paragraph present tense. I suppose that change could make it even more jarring though... hard to tell without actually doing it! I thought I'd mention it anyway.

Most of the sentences in this piece are rather short, so the sentence structure gets a bit monotonous sounding sometimes. The first two lines, for instance, are both simple sentences. Combining some sentences here and there would make the story read less choppy. I also tend to associate short sentences with rapid action... so longer sentences may make the words seem more slow and fluid. I imagine catching a butterfly would require some slow fluidity of motion. *Wink*

Overall, I think this is a very cute idea. The writing itself could use a bit of polish, paying particular attention to the tenses, passive voice, pronoun usage, and sentence structure. I enjoyed reading it, but some revision would take it from "okay" to "amazing"!

Note: My ratings tend to reflect my enjoyment level to some extent, but mostly they represent the quality of the writing itself. With an edit, I would be happy to review again and change my rating. *Smile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
467
467
Review of Zombie Attack  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

This is a first for me... I really adore some parts of this poem, and I completely despise other parts. Generally, I like or dislike something, but I have two drastic and competing feelings about this one.

The first stanza is great. I generally am not a huge fan of very conversational, simplistic opening stanzas, but this one is pretty much perfect. The simplicity is fitting for the subject matter. Someone who is extremely tired cannot think in complex terms generally-- as an insomniac, I would know. hehe Really, a very good start!

The other part that I truly love is the line "I just unthought, unwrote and untalked". Amazing... I adore it! It's just perfect!

Now for what I really hate:

Zombie attack
Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think
Zombie attack
Just breathe, just breathe, just breathe

This sounds like a superhero's theme song or something. I was totally thrown by this, after the amazing intro. I just wanted to highlight and hit delete. Seriously... so jarring! I would cut this entire stanza down to 4 words:

"Don't think.
Just breathe."

Short, simple, and a whole lot better sounding. The meaning is much more clear... honestly, I would love this change.

Won’t you tell me ( tell me) who to be (what to say) how to think
Won’t you tell me
Because I’m too tired, too tired, too tired, too tired, too tired, too tired

Oh the repetition here just kills me. These are such boring phrases to repeat. Also, is the (tell me) and (what to say) supposed to be like an echo or response or something? I would do the same thing to this as I did to the last one... cut it down!

"Wont you tell me
who to be
what to say
how to think
Because I'm too tired. Too tired."

Again, the meaning is more clear. The single repetition makes for a much more powerful line. Seriously... why complicate things needlessly? The chanting quality of the lines before sounded more like a punk concert to me than the type of chant that would go on in a tired person's head.

I think I would consider cutting the "Do you hear me?" as well. It just seems a bit unneeded to me. I do like the last couple lines alright, but I would consider ending with the "Too tired" line. It sums up the entire poem nicely, and you could simply move the "I just unthought, unwrote and untalked" line like this:

"I just unthought, unwrote and untalked.

Wont you tell me
who to be
what to say
how to think
Because I'm too tired. Too tired."

This would make sense. You just unthought, unwrote, and untalked yourself, so now you need someone to tell you who to be, etc. Just a suggestion.

Overall, the parts of this that I love, I really love! The parts I hate, I absolutely despise! I would love to talk to you about this poem and why you made the choices you did. I'm just baffled. Shoot me an email. *Wink*

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
468
468
Review of Expendable  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

There are some great ideas in this poem, and some of the wording is very intriguing. The soldier mentality really shines through in this piece. I do have some observations and suggestions for you though.

Expendable
I am the shadow on the wall
I am the ghost that never rests
I am watching you when you don’t know it
Until it’s too late

The repetition of "I am" is not terribly effective here. It's a boring phrase that adds bulk to the lines without enhancing the meaning or flow. I would suggest this change:

"I am the shadow on the wall,
the ghost that never rests,
watching you when you don't know it"

The last line is a bit bulky for the flow in general, but I do think that this type of edit makes the first stanza read more smoothly and highlights the important words. You could take it a step further as well... "shadow on the wall / a ghost that never rests" sounds even better to me.

To survive war you have to become war because
When you are pushed, killing is as easy as breathing

The flow here is way off... it isn't smooth. The "have to become" is an awkward phrase as well. "have to" means "must"... so why not use "must"? I would also consider removing the "because" to make these lines separate thoughts. They would be more powerful in my opinion. The phrase "you are" in the second line isn't necessary either. "When pushed, killing is..." works just as well and is less bulky.

"Many people associate this word with war" The last word used was "breathing". I don't think people associate the word "breathing" with war, so I presume you mean "killing"... this is rather unclear and could use either some rearranging or a line addition to add clarification.

"When they get pitch black" I have no idea what this means. Perhaps it is a soldier phrase that I'm not familiar with? Getting "black"? I don't know... but I thought I would mention it. If the average person is part of your intended audience, this may be as lost on them as it is on me.

"Track ‘em, Find ‘em, Kill ‘em" Great line! Very primal and military-like.

They got each other’s backs
And would take a bullet for their team because
We are expendable

You refer to "they" and "their" here, and then say "we". It should be one or the other... either you are a part of it or you're not. "We got each other's backs / ...a bullet for our team / we are expendable" or the first two lines as they are now with the change "they are expendable". Either way would work... though I must say that using "we" makes the lines more powerful in my opinion. I would drop the "because" here as well because it adds bulk and badly disrupts the flow. I would consider cutting the "and" from the second line for the same reason.

Overall, I think this poem has some strong lines and great voice! Some line tightening could improve readability and greatly help the flow, which is one of the aspects that needs the most work. If you make revisions, I would be happy to give it another read. *Smile*

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
469
469
Review of Satan's Whore  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

You have some great imagery in this piece, and I do really like some of the ideas you used in the poem. In general, I enjoy dark poetry and stories, so I was happy to see some melancholy sorts of descriptions in here. Some observations and suggestions:

Lots of lines in this poem could be cleaned up considerably! Some words and phrases throughout are just unneeded for the meaning or make the lines awkward to read. A few examples:

"I watched as the darkness poured out of your soul" There is a much simpler way to say "poured out of your soul"... "poured from your soul".

"our tale now therfore becomes a sad one grasping for things that are not and never were really yours" The "now therefore becomes" is very awkward and seems a bit unnecessary to me. I would cut both the now and the therefore. The "a sad one" doesn't seem to need the word "one".. I would remove it or change it to a word with more zing... a sad story, an epic tragedy, or maybe even just "becomes a tragedy". Something more interesting.

"All the years of anguish falling to the floor as if it were the crimson red dripping from your barley beating heart" First, crimson and red are synonyms... one or the other would suffice. The words "all the" seem unnecessary for the meaning of the line. "as if it were" is a long way of saying "like". Also... typo of "barely". The simplified rewrite:

"Years of anguish falling to the floor like crimson dripping from your barely beating heart" Not only is this much simpler, but it flows better and is much easier to read. The meaning jumps out at you. This type of line tightening throughout the poem could drastically improve the quality of the piece.

The flow is almost non-existent at times in this poem. At the most basic, poetry is about the flow of words-- even gibberish can be a poem if the words flow beautifully together. Read the poem aloud... if you stumble at all over the wording, change it. It's a good rule of thumb.

I do like the ideas "everything you have is on loan" and things that "are not, and never were, yours". The 'pain others felt for a season' bit is quite nice as well. There may be less wordy ways to express these ideas, but the concepts themselves are good.

Overall, I think that this piece desperately needs revision. You have some nice word choice throughout, but it is bogged down by lengthy phrasing that adds little meaning or could be more concise. The flow is something that needs lots of work as well. The general topic is good, and you use some creative comparisons. Basically, I think it is a great rough draft. You poured ideas onto a page, and the wording and ideas are great at times. Now they need some polish! *Smile*

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
470
470
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

This is a good story... rather dark, and I like dark. The voice here is very strong and lends characterization to a story that otherwise would have none. Difficult to do, and you did it well! Some observations:

The storyteller questions the reader often. This is pretty effective as far as showing us her state of mind. It adds a bit of a neurotic edge to the writing. However, the questions came so frequently that they bored me after a while. A handful of well-placed questions would serve you much better I think. When revising, I would ask myself how powerful the question really is.

The exclamation points are another thing that pops up frequently in this piece, but I didn't find them terribly effective. I'm from the school of Fitzgerald on this one, if I might use a quote here: "Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald. One or two in a piece this long would be more than enough I think. Using periods may even give the piece a more chilling quality, a calmness that could be eerie. Right now, it is a bit hyperactive for someone resolved to go through with her revenge.

We never learn what this guy actually did to her. When you finally got to the "He ruined my career" bit, I figured he was her manager or something. I suppose it could be that he got her pregnant or something. In general, I don't know why the storyteller decided to do this. The "commanded" part is likewise unclear. Is she supposed to be hearing voices or something? Up until the end, she seemed to be doing this for her own reasons, not because she was "commanded" to do so. There was no regret at having to do it, no "it is too late to stop now" or anything that would indicate that she wasn't just out for revenge.

The piece needs a thorough edit for grammar and basic polishing as well. The conversational tone is fine, but there are places where the writing gets weighed down and muddied by it. For instance:

He wailed out! It was all sorts of awful, it really was.

The "wailed out!" is a bit odd. I would think "Oh, how he wailed!" or something would be more fitting here while still having a conversational (and dramatic) tone. The "It was all sorts of awful" sounds very young to me... more like a teenager than a grownup chasing her dream career. The voice seems to become altered briefly here, which happens now and then throughout. Just one example of an area that could use some polishing.

Overall, I think this is a good draft. A thorough edit would improve the readability, and I think that letting the readers know a bit more about the situation could make them connect with the story much more than is possible now. Good luck with your revisions! *Smile*

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
471
471
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

A few things right away: First, the rating on this should be higher than E! Violence, a light curse word, and the "fairy" references... definitely not for young children. I would guess 13+ would be a much more accurate rating. Also, I would suggest splitting these three pieces into three separate items here if you want thorough reviews for each one.

That said, I'll start with my thoughts on the first piece, "Saving Face". The title is quite fitting, and the first paragraph really drew me in. Unfortunately, I started to lose interest around the "A signups last week" paragraph and never really regained excitement for the piece. I suppose that I felt like I had heard all of this before by that point. I do enjoy your writing style, and you have amazing phrasing throughout. The story itself just bored me after a while-- which is not necessarily bad. It may just not be for me.

The "Easier Said Than Done" story is a bit of a confusing mess actually, which surprised me. I read it 3 times, and I could not say with 100% confidence that I know what it is about. That is a bit of a problem for me. Some clarity could really help-- things like this, for example, are an issue for me:

Mom's half a country away... No big deal. You aren't even dating her anymore.

The guy is dating his mom? *Wink* That is pretty much what it says, but it clearly isn't what you meant. Just one of the many aspects of this story that I had to "decipher" to understand. It didn't make for an enjoyable read, so I would definitely edit this one. The piece also lacked the amazing phrases of the first story, which had great visual elements.

The third story, "The Limit," is definitely my favorite of the three. It is concise, the plot unfolds perfectly, and the details are lovely. Basically, it is short, sweet, and to-the-point, which is something to strive for when writing flash fiction. Something this story has that the others lacked: a really strong final line. One of the reasons I adore flash fiction is the zinger endings, and this story has one. Very simple, but I do like it very much!

Overall, I think that your wording is quite nice throughout all three stories. They do need editing though-- missing words, typos, etc. That last piece is pretty impressive, and I think it is by far the best of the bunch. If you revise any of these, I would be happy to give them another read. *Smile*

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
472
472
Review of Mirrored Confetti  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
First, welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy your time here! :)

Now, the review. I really love the 'mirrored confetti' metaphor and phrasing. It instantly drew me to read this piece. The final line is fantastic, though I would suggest a simple edit: "fallen life[,] looking [sic] to the only face willing to see". I think the story is interesting too, though it was a bit confusing at times. Here are some suggestions for you:

You use far too many sentence fragments in this piece. Using a fragment here and there can add poignancy to a piece, but you have full paragraphs of fragments. Not only it the flow very choppy, but the lines themselves seem repetitive after a while. They sort of numbed me to the meaning after a while. For instance:

"Haggard, worn out, thin and withering and guilty, and mean because of it. Hurt and played, and everyone hardened. Weary and angry, unyielding and unspeaking. Stinking with hate. Separated by silence, and begrudged. Ill-hidden disgust because I was such a freak, and not yours. Too different, too strange, too quiet, and not yours. Alien, dangerous, crazy, and always not yours."

There is not a single complete sentence in here. I had to figure out who you were talking about as well... from context, I presume it is the person telling the story. All of the descriptions become tedious by the end as well. I can envision this paragraph being very emotional and powerful if the only fragments used were "And not yours."

As mentioned before, the piece was a bit confusing for me at first. You were talking about "him" long before the reader knew who he was, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I didn't feel connected to the story until much later.

The beginning of the story is also told in a rather detached tone. It is an emotional piece, but the entire beginning is devoid of emotion... it feels like a matter-of-fact telling of the tale. When the emotion finally comes (after the line "And so he did."), it is so in your face that it is difficult to get through it. A wee bit more balance here could make for a more pleasant reading experience.

Finally, I don't feel like I really got to know any of the people in this story. There was no connection to anyone for me, which also could have made the story more enjoyable. I also found myself wondering why everyone thought the person telling the story "wasn't right". Was it real or in their heads?

Some general editing is needed throughout as well. Unneeded commas, missing commas, and so forth are frequent in this piece. I would try to simplify some of the lines as well. For instance:

"and I hid. In the books, in the pages, in the words and -most dangerously- in the mind." This is another one of those fragments that doesn't need to be a fragment, and the repetition of "in the" doesn't make the line more powerful... it's actually distracting. How about simplifying like this:

"[...], and I hid in the books, the pages, the worlds, and (most dangerously) the mind." Possibly even "my own mind" or something like that, as your mind isn't in a book but the pages and worlds are. Anyway, this line illustrates the kind of polish that could really help the readability of your story. :) I do love this line, by the way. Lovely meaning.

Overall, I do think that this is a good start. The basic story is interesting, and I love some of the lines. A bit more character development and some thorough editing would improve clarity and engage me more as a reader. Good luck with your revisions. :)

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
473
473
Review of Black Clocks  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy WDC B-day! :)

You have some great wording in here! I do like the general idea as well. Some notes for improvements:

"The hour hand appears and second flit by in black motion" I think that this should read 'second flits', as I believe you mean the second hand.

"Pride lost, dignity and self -meaningless as the hands make their tolls" I genuinely like this. Love the way it sounds and the meaning is good. The punctuation is painful though. I would consider: "Pride lost. Dignity and self meaningless, as the hands..."

"Skins crack as it grows short, or perhaps it won’t, our casing is fragile" Grammar issue here that can cause real confusion. There are two pronouns here. The first we have to infer is "time", but as it is written, the skins grow short. ;) The second "it" does refer to the skins I think. Anyway, too many pronouns leads to a lack of clarity here.

"My bones slip under her weight. She breaks me down" I love these last two lines, but I do have a suggestion. 'her weight' refers to time as well (as far as I can tell). So why not use it? "under time's weight" or "under the weight of Lady Time" or something? It would make the 'She breaks me down" that much stronger.

Overall, I think this is a great piece that needs some polish. I really enjoyed it though. :)

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
474
474
Review of Take Care  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Happy WDC B-day! :)

This is a nice little poem, but I do have some notes for you:

At first, I was not loving the "but I'll take care" repeated so close together in the first few lines. After reading them 3-4 times, I decided that I liked the sound and meaning. I particularly like the third "but I'll take care," as it seems to be both the last line of the sentence before and first line of the sentence afterward. The first 8 lines are quite nice.

The rest of the poem is a bit messy though. Definitely could use some editing.

"Whip your tears don't want to
see you cry but the pain that
has been caused makes tears
show from all outside and in
but I'll take care"

First, 'wipe' not 'whip' I think. Whip is what you do with a whisk when cooking... I can't imagine such rapid action with tears. ;) "has been caused" is long and pretty much useless here. Obviously, pain had a cause. It's a bulky phrase that adds nothing to the meaning. I'd consider just "the pain causes tears".

Also, I've read the poem a number of times, and I don't really know what you mean by "show from all outside and in"... it's a weird line. The 'from' confuses me, and I wonder if it is not the preposition needed here. 'all outside and in'... what does this refer to? The tears themselves are both outside and in? Or more likely, the implied people they "show" to... but how can they be inside? Needlessly confusing I'd say. I would certainly try to clean up these lines.

"National guards are up so
no one can get up on my offense
So I'll take care and still know my
love and heart still exists so
I'll Take Care"

Both of the "ups" here are strange. If the 'National guards are up" means a heavily armed 'put my guard up' sort of guard, I think it is pretty clever. If not, the wording is odd. "no one can get up on offense" has only a vague shred of meaning for me. The 'get up on my offense' is just a strange sort of phrase. My thoughts trailed (eventually) to 'one up on my offense,' but I have no idea if that is what you intended.

"still know / still exists" Too much 'still' for me. It sounds clunky to me. The repeat of "so I'll take care" and then "I'll take care" is not very smooth here. I like using the more conversational 'so I'll', but not when followed by the standard use that you've tossed in throughout the poem. Also, 3 uses of 'so' is not only very conversational but distracting as well. These lines repeat small words (so, up, still) but have a drastic and negative impact on my reading enjoyment.

Overall, I like the ideas expressed in the poem, and I think that it does have strong moments. If you clean up the last half of the poem, I think it could be very good. :)

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
475
475
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Happy WDC B-day! :)

This is a sweet poem. I like the sentiment, and the last stanza is particularly good in flow, meaning, and wording. I do this that the flow is a bit off sometimes and that you have some unneeded phrases and words in here. Some notes:

"The world is too big.
It spins too fast.
I’m running in circles,
Because straight lines can’t last."

I like what this stanza means, but I was put off a little bit by the two short, choppy sentences at the beginning. They sound a bit dull and matter-of-fact as two sentences. Of course, choppy sentences do tend to indicate rapid motion, so they are fitting in that respect. I don't love the sound of them as two sentences, but they do serve a purpose that way. If this was my piece, I guess I would ask myself which is more important to me.

"Because straight lines can’t last." This line is a bit long and throws off the flow of the first stanza a bit. Normally, syllables at 5-4-5-6 would be just fine, but it is a bit awkward here. I would revise it I think.

"But just when I’m about to fall
You take hold of my hand
And steadied by the gaze of your eyes
I feel I’ll never have to move again"

I think this is the weakest stanza by far, which is fitting since the first and last should always be impressive in a poem. ;) Lots of extra phrases and padding here that doesn't add to the meaning and makes the lines bulky. "But just" "hold of" "of your eyes" (what else would you gaze with?) "have to". These are boring little phrases that don't add much interest... but do add awkwardness. "have to" adds some meaning, but I would still remove it. I would also change "hold of", which is very conversational, to "by the". What you're left with is much more concise and flows better, and has a ling length similar to the rest of the poem.

"when I'm about to fall
You take me by the hand[.]
Steadied by your gaze
I feel I'll never move again"

As mentioned, I do like the final stanza. The flow is nice. It sums up the ideas expressed in the poem very well, and it's a nice sentiment too.

A final note: You have punctuation in the first stanza (very helpful for this type of poem), but you have none at all in the second and third stanzas. Punctuating the rest really improve the enjoyment factor when reading the piece.

Overall, a nice poem that would use a few minutes of editing. Well done! :)

*Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1* Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Flowerp**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
586 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 24 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cinnamonfringe/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/19