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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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501
501
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! :)

I really dig the dark imagery in this story. The tone and voice is nice, and the the flair in the dialogue made me smile. I did find it a bit confusing at times. I presumed from the first line that someone would get tortured and/or killed, particularly as he was lying on a cold table dying. My first thought was definitely serial killer-- my mind works that way. The "our hearts beat... pumping blood as one" bit didn't make much sense to me at first, and still doesn't really work for me. At the end, the guy has a gnarly blade about to cut the "victim" up... so why is his heart going to keep beating? If it is a metaphor for being connected to the victim, it's an odd choice. The use of "gradually" made me think of a slowing of heart beats as well, but I imagine someone about to get sliced up (and the one doing the slicing as well) would have rapid heart beats... it added to my confusion. I had to read the first lines a few times to understand it at all.

All the mention of starving and hunger had me thinking 'vampire' by the end of the second paragraph. Just thought I'd mention it.

The entire time, I was hoping to hear what the "victim" actually did. I was slightly disappointed that the story ended without my knowing why, but I don't think it detracts from the story. I do think that it would be amusing if the "victim" had slighted the "killer" in some minor way. First, that's funny in and of itself. Second, the "killer" would be the one relaying it, so it would be described as a horrible thing. I love stuff like that, but I don't think it's needed in your story.

This piece could really use some editing too. Some polish would be good to catch grammar issues and minor slips. For instance, "There he lay on the icy steel table where so many [had] departed before." and "He broke out [in] a cold sweat". Just minor stuff like that.

Overall, I like the story. The imagery and word choice are particularly fun. I do love dark types of stories.

If you make any changes, I'd be happy to give it another read! :)

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502
502
Review of A moment in time  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
First, welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy it! :)

For a first short story, this is pretty good. It is a nice piece of introspection, though in the end, I wasn't terribly moved by it. To be honest, I was expecting this to be the story of a superficial summer romance or something of that nature. The focus is primarily on his looks-- which doesn't make me think of 'true love' or anything like that. There was a casual mention of 'talking for a while' and that he makes her laugh. Then talking all night long about personal things, which is the type of "get to know you" session that is satisfying but short-lived.

I genuinely thought the end was going to be a laugh-it-off moment where the girl thinks about how silly it was or that she would get sad about it being a brief burst of love and then over-- that the memory will remain or something. Still some introspective sentiment, but not "in that second, he stole my heart forever". It's just slightly... well... cheesy.

Something a bit more specific about what happened in the past few days might make the story more interesting. Right now, it is sort of general... he looks good, he lights up a room, we talked, it was amazing when we kissed... very basic. What did he say to make her laugh? Is there an anecdote there? What does he actually look like? Is there a specific moment when you made him laugh and he lit up the room? If the reader experiences it with her, the story will have more impact than just telling them about it. Give them something to connect with.

Overall, I think the story is cute but unsatisfying. Some editing for grammar/awkward wording and some more specific information may help, but it is a good start. If you make any changes, I would be happy to read it again and change my rating. :)

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503
503
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! Looks like you've settled in nicely already. Very good to see! :)

The title of this poem caught my attention. I'm a major coffee lover-- in fact, I co-owned and managed a coffee house. Anything coffee will get me every time. I was pleasantly surprised that you only used the word "coffee" once. "Coffee season" doesn't bring much to mind for me though, and I had to think about it quite a bit for the phrase to conjure up anything for me. Not usually a good sign. What I've got: the time when your relationship was new (i.e. like morning coffee) or autumn (always the best coffee sales here are in the fall). I have no idea which, if either, of these are what you had in mind.

The second stanza is probably my favorite. I like the double meaning... it could be about either the other person or the coffee itself. Thumbs up for that.

In the third stanza, I think I would try to find another word to use rather than repeat the "sip" action. "Savoring" or something? This poem is so concise that the repetition just about slapped me in the face. It totally pulled me out of the poem. I'm a bit anal about that sort of thing. ;)

I think that your focus on the warmth and taking your time is stellar, and I like the contrast with the final lines. I also appreciate the abruptness of the stanza itself, as it is talking about a fast action. I do think that the quick ending would be more effective if the second stanza was drawn out a bit more though. Long and slow, long and slow, quick-- seems like an ideal flow for this poem. That said, the ending not entirely work for me. The way it is written seems to force the metaphor too much I think. For the life of me, I cannot think of a "fix" that would make it sound better to me while keeping the "hot" and the rapid flow, but I thought I would mention it.

Overall, I think you did a nice job with the poem. It is short, flows well, tells a complete story, and I enjoyed it for the most part. If you decide to make any changes, let me know. I'd be happy to read it again.

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504
504
Review of Some Beginnings  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! If you want advice on what to write next, I'd say you stumbled upon a good place to ask. ;)

The fantasy story could be interesting, but it isn't a genre that tends to draw me in. Additionally, the premise is interesting, but it is a bit on the dull side for the actual beginning of a story. If you choose to write that one, I would consider starting the story with some kind of action, keeping in mind what you already wrote and possibly working it in after you write something to suck readers into the story.

You nailed the tone for the Teen Fiction story. It reads like countless YA books I loved as a kid... R.L. Stein or Christopher Pike. It's a cute idea too... the best friend who is a perfect angel, but Amy knows better. It could be interesting, and I think you have a flair for writing in that teen style.

The Adult Fiction story is the best written and most interesting for me. Lines like "sleep began to close its fluffy fingers around my mind" and "the insults and denigrations that floated through to my room like charred paper freed from a bonfire" are just very well done (I'd remove the "to" in the last line though). I can envision a rather dark story unfolding, and of the four, this is the one I would be most likely to continue. It is a very strong start (but for the first line, which is a tad weak for an opener-- "it happened again!").

The Romance opener interested me the least. I'm not a fan of romance at all, so I am not the best judge of it. Is the goal to have the shy guy hook up with the loud woman on the bus, or is that just introducing the main character? I didn't get a good grasp of what the story might be like from what you have so far.

I hope this helps give you a bit of direction! ;) If you add to or finish any of these, I'd be happy to give them a read. Just shoot me an email.

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505
505
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
First, welcome to WDC! :)

Second, time for a review! I'm sure others have mentioned this, but the caps lock is a killer. It's hard to read-- especially because it dwarfs the punctuation and makes the entire piece look like a large run-on sentence. That said, I wont harp on it.

You have some nice line in here. The phone call from reality is a particularly nice bit. "You're going home to your truth" is another nice example. The repetition of "This love" seems odd to me at times. Sometimes it sounds nicer than other times, but in general, I'm not a big fan of the breaks it creates. The lines in the beginning would sound much nicer without those "this love" lines.

I do think that the 'this love' lines could be worked in a bit better. Good usage: The first line ends with 'I long to inhale' and then comes the line 'this love'. That is clever, as it could mean both 'oxygen I long to inhale' and 'I long to inhale... this love'. Similarly, the line that ends with "wrong time" and then goes into "this live" makes sense... this love is at the wrong time. It means something.
Not-so-good usage: Compare that to "Dimly lit rim. This love". It doesn't work well... it isn't terribly clever.

Additionally, I think that the last line would be more powerful (and have that flowing meaning I mentioned a moment ago) if you dropped the "that I'm left holding onto". First, those five little words are awkward sounding. Second, look what happens without them. "while I embrace a lie. This love of my own!" Now the 'This love' line has a connection to the line before it that seems more powerful to me. Sure, you could be left holding onto this love of your own... but I think that the message is more bitter but richer to acknowledge the love as a lie. The person (you or whoever) is aware of the situation-- "I get it. I have for quite some time". She would also "get" that this relationship is a lie, and she may even wish that she didn't feel it. Clinging to a pillow, convincing herself it is all a lie.

Anyway, I do think that the poem is a good start with much room for improvement. There is a nice framework here, and I think you could end up with a poem that has depth and a strong story line. If you decide to make some changes, let me know! I would be happy to read it again. :)

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506
506
Review of Bully  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First, welcome to WDC! I hope the critiques that you get here will be helpful. :)

Now, the review! You have lovely word choice throughout... I quite like most of it. For instance, "Etching into the soft walls". I love that the voice etches itself into the soft walls of your mind. Amazing imagery, and a very solid line in general.

Lots of individual lines have a bigger impact on me than the overall poem, but nothing a little editing couldn't fix. I tend to be most moved by simplified lines that have as little padding as possible. Those little words... "the" "a" "my" etc can really weigh down a poem to my ears. Here is an example or two:

"The words slip through clenched teeth and pour out of quivering lips" First, I'd drop the "the" at the beginning of the line. Second, I would change "out of", a double preposition that sounds and looks bulky, to "from". Final line: "Words slip through clenched teeth and pour from quivering lips". Even better, "Words slip through clenched teeth, pouring from quivering lips"-- every small, unimportant word has vanished, and the result is a much more powerful line in my opinion. Subtle changes like this throughout... tightening... could do wonders.

"Each word slipping by the filter connecting the brain to the mouth" I think a simple "connecting brain to mouth" is more concise and flows nicer here.

Another example: "The thick lock having been shattered by my strong words" I would do a similar cut to this one. "Thick lock shattered by my strong words" would be enough to get your point across, and it would be far less wordy and awkward than the "having been shattered" bit. Again, dropping the "The" from the beginning is just a preference of mine. ;)

Some basic line tightening of this nature could really take the poem to the next level I think. There are some weaker bits here and there too.

"I’ve kept quiet,
Kept to myself,
But this is the last moment that your slime slips into my ears,"

The moment when someone decides that enough is enough-- usually a powerful moment. This falls flat though. The repetitiveness threw me off a bit. I wasn't expecting simple, short lines that say essentially the same thing. It's very conversational compared to the rest of the poem. The "but this is the last moment that" part of the last line is awkward as well. It doesn't flow very smoothly to me ear. I strongly would consider removing the entire stanza or rewriting it from scratch.

"Etched onto the walls are the words you always called me" Oh I love that you reused the etched walls! Brilliant... love it! I think that reversing the line so that the etched walls are the last thing mentioned would make it even better though. Something as simple as "words you called me etched onto the walls" would be stunning there I think. Something about "words you called me" seems weird to me in general though. Like, you call someone a name not a word. You use words to "describe" someone. Personally, I like "your description of me etched onto the walls", but I think 'description' is a cool word. ;) Anyway, feel free to ignore this suggestion completely. I just thought I'd throw some ideas at you.

Overall, you have some stunning lines in here! My guess is that you know what the piece's strengths are (otherwise, why would you have chosen arguably the best line in the poem for the final line?), but it could still use some work in places. If you make any changes, I would love to give it another read! :)

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507
507
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
hehehe... Pretty fun, man! Having read some of your other work, I was expecting this story to get gruesome, but it actually has more of a Tales from the Darkside sort of vibe to it. I think the ending could have been a bit more ominous sounding somehow, but I do like what you did with it. My first thought was that if there was some kind of accent or dialect (even a simple removal of the G's at the end of "ing" words) during all the messages and the last was "proper", it may have more punch. I doubt you intend to edit a contest entry anyway, but it would be interesting to see what small tweaks could do for the impact of the final message.

Personally, I love the style you used with the "Beep." from the answering machine becoming something of a narrator. Clever! I think that for the most part you used a believable conversational style for the spouse leaving the messages too. The messages did seem a little bit repetitive at times though.

Anyway, it isn't my favorite of yours, but it was definitely worth a read. :)



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508
508
Review of love zone  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
First, welcome to WDC! :) If you have any questions, feel free to ask... Happy to help!

Now, I assume that this story is an incomplete rough draft.. right? It desperately needs editing for missing commas, incorrect verb tenses, run on sentences, and so forth. I wont harp on the grammar here though, and I will rate it as a rough draft as well.

You use the word "Erica" quite often here, which is good because there is none of the confusion that can come from using "she" all the time, but I think that the writing would be more interesting if you varied the "Erica"s a bit. For instance, instead of saying "Erica was a shy, tall, beautiful girl looking for love[...] Erica began her profile", you could say "Erica was a tall and beautiful girl looking for love[...] The shy girl began her profile". All the description is still there, but one less "Erica" makes it sound less repetitive. Just an example.

Overall, I think this is an alright start, but the style is very straightforward and didn't really grab my interest. When you revise, you may want to think about how to really hook the reader and make them want to read more.

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509
509
Review of Chew  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
First, welcome to WDC! :) I hope you find the site helpful, and if you have any questions, let me know! I'd be happy to help.

Now for the review... I wouldn't have gotten the "internal demon" without you mentioning it in the description. By the end, I was actually wondering if the story was a strange bit of erotica (the caressing, moistened fingers moving over her lips, etc would lend itself well to erotica). The message of the story is a bit obscured by repetition as much as the vagueness I think. I imagine if you counted the number of times you used the words "he" and "his" you would be shocked. ;) The first couple paragraphs were difficult to read and didn't really catch my interest because of the overabundance of "he/his/she" pronouns and the short choppiness of the sentences. Another for instance:

"She closed her eyes, resting her head against the window sill. She didn’t know what to say. She never knew what to say." These lines have a monotonous sound to them. They all start with the same pronoun, and they're quite short. It's a style that I find difficult to enjoy unless done exceptionally well.

Overall, I think that the story would benefit from you showing us some of the things you tell us. For example:
"He would cock his head, close his eyes; heave in heavy breaths that slowly let out through his nostrils, the way the hairs of his moustache flutter at each breath." Instead of telling us that "he would do this"... have him do it in the story. Something like, "He continued to chew between heavy breaths that slowly left through the nostrils, mustache hairs fluttering with each exhale." I'm not suggesting you use this... just giving an example of how you might show us some action instead of just telling the reader "the way he does this" "the way he that" "the way he would this".

Additionally, instead of the constant pronouns, you could try saying something more specific once in a while that would tell us more about the character(s). Using an example from earlier: "She closed her eyes, resting her head against the window sill. She didn’t know what to say. She never knew what to say."

Is this person an old lady? A young woman? A teenage girl? An artist? An accountant? A dreamer? Who is she..? "She closed her eyes, resting her head against the window sill. The young girl didn't know what to say. She never knew what to say." A small change, but it breaks up some of the monotony of the "she, she, she" and tells us more about "Her". Personally, I would be much more interested in what's happening if I knew anything at all about her.

If you decide to revise the story, I would be happy to give it another read and change my rating if need be. :)

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510
510
Review of Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting poem. I really like the last line and how it relates to the first line. Some observations and suggestions:

First, that "Born into a land of strangers," line is a bit too short to flow well into the next. I read the poem 3 times (aloud), and the first and second lines flow worse than pretty much any others in the poem. In general, the first stanza didn't grab me at all. No offense intended, but it reads like someone looked up the last two lines in a thesaurus... I found it awkward and overly wordy. It is especially strange sounding after the simplicity of the first two lines. I have a rather extensive vocabulary as well, but I try not to over use it to the point that my lines turn into a mess. The word "prevarication" in particular makes the lines seem awkward to me, though the word choice is perfect for meaning. In general, the meaning is clear here, it's just a mouthful when reading the poem.

Easy fix: "A meadow of dreams is were her spirit plays," Is 'where' her spirit plays. Darn typos!

The little one watches her parents react,
to each other, the world, and the whispering shack.
The father was a distant General, filled with rage,
her heart grew ingenious behind an iron cage.


I thought this stanza was a bit odd. The "whispering shack" prompted me to reread the poem from the start again because I didn't recall any previous mentions of poverty. The "distant General, filled with rage" confused me for a minute because "distant" could mean emotionally or physically, and coupled with the "General" (who could well be off to war), I wasn't sure which you meant. After a while, I figured that the shouting from the paragraph before probably meant that the General was at the home. Still not entirely sure though. Ambiguity is fine with me-- just thought I'd mention it.

Also, did you really mean that her heart grew ingenious? Seemed like an odd word choice to me, particularly since you've talked about her being "ingenuous" throughout the poem. Wondered if perhaps you swapped words there by accident. Additionally, if her heart already grew "ingenious", the "she figured it out" line in the next stanza loses its power and becomes a repeat of the last line in this stanza.

It looks as though you're talking about the mother still in the final stanza. The last female mentioned was the mother, followed by 'she, she, and she'. If I'm not mistaken, the first "she" is about the mother, but the others are about the child. Easy remedy: tell us who you're talking about when you switch people. Refer to the mother as "she" all you want, but the first time you use "she" for the child again, say "the child" or something instead of using the pronoun.

A meadow of dreams is were her spirit plays,
her fantasies drift throughout endless days.
There wasn't a shout or an ill spoken word,
the blueprint of life was taught & observed.


This is the best stanza in the entire poem I think. Generally, I look for strong first and last stanzas, but this was far stronger than either of them. For instance, the wordiness of the last two lines of the first stanza sounded awkward, while this stanza is packed with amazing, flashy words-- but none of the awkwardness. I really like the first, second, and fourth lines here, and the third gets its point across. Very well done I think.

Overall, I think this is a nice poem that has some really strong lines. Some editing would make the poem even better. Poetry is often personal though, so you're welcome to take or ignore any suggestions. *Smile*

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511
511
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Nice sentiment here, but I have some suggestions for you. :)

This poem is 7 lines long, and 5 of them begin with "A". To me, that is visually unappealing and sounds a wee bit silly when reading. Some variation would be very welcome, especially since two consecutive lines begin with "A lie".

"A lie becomes two, and eventually burst. / A lie to protect, with a burden to bear." These lines don't grammatically need commas, and I think that having them makes the flow of those lines a little awkward. I think I'd remove them.

"A trial to be passed, when the friendship is thorned. / But if the bond is real, the feelings will reborn." The last words in each of these lines struck me as odd. First, "is thorned" reads like a verb-- a strange verb since "thorned" is an adjective, I found it awkward and had to think for a while before I figured out what you were saying there. If it can be mistaken for a different part of speech, (i.e. this adjective looks like part of a predicate), I think a change may be good. The line is also quite long and threw off the flow when I read it aloud, by the way. Second, "will reborn" is quite strange too. "Will be reborn" is pretty much the only way to say that because "reborn" is an adjective. It's like saying "we will happy"... it's very odd sounding.

I think that this could be a very nice poem. The ideas are quite nice, but the execution could use a bit of work. If you decide to revise any of it, I would be happy to give it another read and change my rating to reflect any improvements you might make. :)

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512
512
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I think this is a really interesting poem, and you have some lovely lines.

"Barely more than wire hangers / For their dusty canvas coats" These are the best lines in the entire poem in my opinion. Amazing comparison, and the imagery was startlingly clear for me.

"But still so young to the eyes / Of the starving girl on the roadside" I like these lines. Especially the "starving girl". Seems strange that a "Girl" would think men looked so young. When I was just a girl, anyone more than a couple years older than me were OLD. hehe

"The sanguine crosses on their sleeves / The cold and the time are virulent thieves" These are strong lines, but they are also some of the only lines in the poem that flow well together, which brings me to my first suggestion/observation...

The flow in this poem is nearly non-existent at times. As lovely as the phrasing is, it sounds very jerky and halting when read aloud. I never got into a real rhythm, when reading it. For example:

The man in the middle holds his head
Screams resound in his frostbitten ears
Never will they leave
And never will there be a moment to grieve


Now, if you read these lines aloud, do they sound smooth to you? The rhyme helps the lines sound as though they go together, but to me, the flow is much more like a story than a poem. I love the "screams resound in his frostbitten ears" line-- beautifully written-- but the 'frostbitten' made me stumble every time I read it. The first line is so simple that the 3-syllable word just seems awkward somehow. Perhaps if you removed "his" from that line, it would make the flow a bit better. Regardless, I think tweaking would be a good idea here and throughout the poem.

A last note here... I think that the 6th stanza is far stronger than the last stanza. So it was a bit of a let down. I always look for strong opening and closing stanzas, and this didn't quite do it for me. Look at all of those amazing words you used in the last two lines of stanza 6... sanguine, crosses, sleeves, virulent, thieves... awesome words. Now look at the interesting words you used in the last stanza... canvas, rind, and maybe forth (all others are very common in the English language). See what I mean?

Overall, I think this is a really good start. Like I said, you have some nice phrasing and lines. The flow needs some work and I think that some parts (especially the ending) could use some more work. With some editing, I think the piece could be very strong. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read.

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513
513
Review of Reflection  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+
I think this could become a very strong piece with a bit of work. It's an issue that can be very emotionally charged, but I didn't feel much emotion coming from this piece. Perhaps instead of explaining how she felt, you could make us feel it too? For instance:

"Why did she feel so trapped and uncomfortable" Instead of telling us she feels that way, why not go for something like this: "She could feel the bands of pain tighten her chest" or "Shifting her body, the feeling of extra body parts against her leg made her skin crawl". Give us some kind of emotional connection to her. Make the reader feel a bit of that pain, discomfort, and confusion.

I think that some areas in this piece are worded in an awkward way.

"Why did she feel so trapped and uncomfortable by being the person she was and she knew very well who and what she was" That "by being the person" is really awkward. The "she feel" "she was", "she knew" and "she was" again are a bit too much for one sentence. Clarity flies out the window, and the lack of punctuation compounds the problem. In general, this piece really needs and thorough grammar edit, and I would strong recommend figuring out a way to remove the endless uses of "she" and "her".

This piece as 9 sentences, 13 uses of "she", and 6 uses of "her".

For just nine sentences, this is far too many pronouns. It makes each line sound a bit monotonous. Try using "the girl" or "the woman" or "the teenager" or anything to replace a few pronouns. I do this often myself-- use an unidentified person as main character. It can be difficult to change up the pronouns, but it helps alot!

Overall, I like where you're going with this. I think it could be a very emotionally charged piece with a little bit of work. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read. :)

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
I presume that this is unfinished? Just thought I'd give you some feedback on what you have so far. :)

The grammar needs more work than the ideas you're expressing. Since this is so short, I'll try to run through some of the grammar issues for you.

"I always thought I was loved by my parents" The 'was loved" is passive voice. Though this isn't "wrong", sentences generally sound stronger in active voice. "I always though my parents loved me" is active-- the verb is now "loved" instead of "was loved". :)

Commas needed in the first line: "I always thought I was loved by my parents[,] but I guess when your a child[,] you don't really pay attention to how your parents treat you." Also, "but I guess when your"-- the "your" should be "you're". I think the meaning of the line is quite good, by the way.

"But as I got older[,] I seen how my parents treated me different from other sisters." This is a sentence fragment, but those work sometimes, so I'll let it go. For a complete sentence, you can just remove the "But". Note the comma needed after "older". Also, "I seen how" is a bit of a problem. The correct verb here is "saw"... "I saw", and replacing "how" with "that" will make the line far less conversational in tone (your decision).

"Till when I turned 9 years old and got told that Wayne[,] the only man I knew as a father[,] wasn[']t my father." This line is a bit confusing, but I'll try to figure it out. Someone told the character when she was nine that Wayne was not her father... right? The "Till" isn't needed unless you want that conversational tone (and it's 'Til not Till... Until = 'Til). The "I got told" should probably be "I was told", but it is passive voice like before... you could always let us know who told you. For instance, "When I was 9 years old, my mother told me that Wayne, the only man I knew as a father, wasn't my father."

This is a sad story so far. I think that it could be quite good, but correcting the grammar is pretty important. I know many writers don't want to bother with grammar, but it is nearly impossible to read a piece that has constant grammatical problems. Moving forward, I hope that you add more details about the family-- Wayne, the sisters you mentioned, the mother, and of course, the main character. You're off to a good start... just keep working on it! If you edit or add more, I'd be happy to read it again. I will also change my rating as the piece improves. :)

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Review of Heartbeats  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I like what you're saying in this poem. There is a rather honest quality to this piece as well.

For I am lost in the promise of what might be,
what never was.

Take them all…
I have no further use for heartbeats.


To me, I think these 4 lines are by far the strongest in the poem. Solid beginnings and endings are something that I always look for in poetry, and the ending is definitely on the money. :)

The beginning may be stronger with a little work though...

"If all you wanted was my heartbeat, / you only had to ask." I love what you're saying here, but the way you said it was a little on the boring side for me. Though the flow is good, the only interesting word used is "heartbeat". If I hadn't intended to review this poem, this intro probably wouldn't have hooked me-- in all likelihood, I wouldn't have read the rest of the poem. I have no real suggestions for making this more interesting, but I thought I would mention it.

"Each beat, each pulse of it / is there only for you." You don't really need the words "of it" tacked onto the end of the first line. It doesn't add to the meaning... the reader knows what you're talking about. ;) I think I'd remove the "is" from the next line too, but that is just a personal preference of mine-- I prefer only words that are absolutely needed in free verse.

"There is no need for deception, / though easy a mark am I." You used the word "there" in the line above this, which made the first line here rather repetitive sounding. I think you could remove "There is" completely, but I think that I'd change it somehow if you want the sentence to remain a complete sentence. Additionally, I am curious as to your reasons for the twisted second line. You're not rhyming, so what reason is there to twist a line that badly? It's a wee bit awkward. "easy a mark" in particular.

I believe all you tell me, each lie,
I do not question them.
I cannot – I will not!


The I, I, I, is visually unappealing-- some variation here also would prevent a little of the choppiness of these lines. No offense intended here, but they remind me of my son's speech. He's quite young, and his sentences are all very short and use simple wording. Changing an "all" to "what" and making some contractions and it would sound exactly the way he'd say it. Sentence variation could help. If it were my piece, this is what I would do to it:

"I believe all you tell me,
each lie, unquestioning.
I cannot - will not!"

Removing two out of the 4 I's in these three lines completely removes that choppiness. I also removed "not, them, and do", which are all rather boring words on their own.

Overall, I think you're off to a good start with this piece! With some editing, it could be very strong. I know that poetry can be a very personal thing, so you are welcome to take or leave all of my suggestions. If you decide to revise, I would be happy to reread it. :)

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow... you have a staggering way with words! My feelings on modern rhyming poetry tend to run from despise to dislike. I'm absolutely amazed that you could have rhymes like "missing / fishing / dishing" and make them sound so natural within lines that are so strong. Insane. Also the sort of sayings you use in each line... unique platitudes (an oxymoron, I know).. I generally tolerate them, but I'm not a fan. Again, you make them work.

"There's truly no end to what never begins" and "But without any bait there's no point in fishing" Seriously... I can't believe you can use stuff like this and not make it sound obnoxious. Incredible!

Matching lines like "Empty words etched in chalk" (stellar) with "When it's all said and done[,] I think I'll go for a walk" (lengthy with no individual words of interest) would normally drive me crazy too... but it really works here (grammar edit would be good though).

The only suggestion I have is to give this a thorough grammar edit... it needs it. However, I can't even make myself know off half a star for it. You did so many things in this poem that I normally hate... and you made me love it. You deserve some kind of award for that. Well done, man!

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Review of Alabama Leak  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"but I'm not sure if its even good" Well, I think you can stop wondering. It is definitely good! A masterpiece... maybe with a bit of work, but it is surely good. You have far too many amazing lines in this piece for it to not be "good". ;)

First, some random favorite lines:

"I pick up my pen instead of the mop" Adore this!

"Sure I have a job but a job's just a place in time and I'm not on the lease so this place ain't mine and you're welcome to kick me out". Stellar... really fantastic line! I even think that the incredibly run-on sentence adds to the intensity, which is a feat.

" I just hope that it's something, someday, someone will quote" The sentiment is something that I think all writers can relate to. The "something, someday, someone" is brilliant. Love it!

Some observations & suggestions:

"You had a task and you failed and the shitty part is no one ever told you what was right" Okay... so you're still talking to the train here? I get the impression that you're talking to/about yourself (or the character's self), but in the line before this, you address the train. Thought I'd mention it because the general impression I got from these lines was 'rambling automatic writing', which isn't how the rest of it seemed to me.

"...worried about bills and everything that plagues every grown woman. Every..." The "every/every/every" made me stumble a bit here. I love the "every grown woman" and the "every young woman", but I think I'd try to change the "everything" to a synonym.

I think this piece would read much better with a bit of editing. Well-placed punctuation could work wonders here. For instance:

"Drip drip drop drop dripdropdripdrop. Faster then slower then steady then stop". Great onomatopoeia here! I think that using commas as pauses like you would in poetry could add to the effect. "Drip drip, drop, drop, dripdropdripdrop." mimics the "faster, flower, steady" in the next line because the commas slow the reader for the 'drop, drop'.

I also think that all of the lines that are not purposefully lacking punctuation should have that punctuation. Such as this line:

"Sure I missed a few drops but who's keeping score?" I see no reason for this sentence to not have the comma it needs. It isn't one of the eloquent run-ons, and it doesn't have pacing that couldn't stand a pause.

"Drip drop it goes and the off beat sound reminds me of myself" I absolutely love this line, by the way. I think this sentence would actually be more powerful with the proper punctuation. "Drip drop it goes, and the off beat sound reminds me of myself". Lovely!

Overall, I think this piece is really strong. I love your word choice, the phrasing is amazing at times, and I really enjoyed what you were saying most of the time. I think it could use a wee bit of thoughtful editing, it really could be your "masterpiece". If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read!

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Review of Friends  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I think that this is a cute piece, and I'm sure many people have had similar experiences. I like that the piece is basically narrated by an outsider too. I do have some suggestions for you though.

First, you have some odd words in this piece. I'll try to find all the ones that I noticed when I read it:

"the same class bunking, table banging" I don't know what you mean by "table banging". I'm just totally unfamiliar with the term. Also, the "bunking"... you mean living together or something else?

"But there is a beauty of friendship" Not sure what you mean to say here... I think it could be either "But that is the beauty of friendship" or possibly "But there is a beauty in friendship", which makes less sense in context but is much closer to what you have written down. Clarification would be great!

"He could figure the sadness in her voice" Hmmm... "figure" seems like a strange choice here. Maybe "he could head" or "he could understand"?

"After an uncomfortable silence of what seemed like the longest minute" The phrase "of what seemed" is a bit awkward. Maybe "that seemed" or something would be a bit smoother.

"He had got a receding hair line and wrinkles on his face now" You don't need the "got" in there. "He had a receding hairline and wrinkles on his face".

Okay... I'm done with the nit-picking lines. ;)

You never actually mentioned Rajeev's name until the end. If you could work it into the conversation somehow, that might be nice. Love the names, by the way!

"Rajeev asked wiping his tears of laughter" The "joke" was so brief that I can't envision somehow laughing so hard they cried here. I'd suggest adding some more banter between the two first or something.

Overall, I think this is a good idea, and you have some good details. A thorough edit to remove some of the awkward wording and possibly adding a bit more dialogue would make the story more effective I think. If you decide to revise, I would be happy to give it another read. :)

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Review of Phantom Heart  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Beautiful first line! It absolutely hooked me! The entire first stanza is beautiful. The second line throws the poem's rhythm off a fraction, but it didn't bother me much because the lines are so gorgeous. ;)

I don't think the second stanza is quite as lovely as the first, but the imagery is nice. You may hate this suggestion, but I think the stanza would be much stronger with the A, A, A, A. I'm not a big fan of starting lines with the same word. Call it a habit from writing free-verse, but I find it very distracting both visually and when reading aloud.

The third stanza has very strong phrasing. "The sun without ember, a barren, black dawn" This line is particularly good, though without the "The" I think it would flow a little better with the line after it. That next line was awkward for me on my first two reads.

"Hushed petals lie, their bloom withdrawn" I thought this was an interesting line. It took me a while to figure out the meaning (what with the "bloom" rather than "blooms"), but I quite like it. ;)

The fourth stanza is as strong as the first. Gorgeous!

I always hope for really strong first and last stanzas, and unfortunately, I think the final stanza is the weakest in the poem. The second line is awkward to read after the first, and the third line completely loses what little flow was left after the second. This actually really bums me out because I enjoyed the poem until the end. I read the poem once silently and three times aloud-- the last stanza tripped me up numerous times on every read. I would definitely consider changing something.

Overall, I think the poem is amazing... but for that last stanza. I like the meaning, the flow is pretty good most of the time, the rhymes seem natural, and the wording is lovely. If you decide to give that last stanza a revision, I'd love to read it again. :)

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I really love the idea of using all the senses to express a feeling. Some aspects of this poem are just fantastic (some of the lines are quite good). Some suggestions and observations though:

Let me say, I prefer any repetition in a poem to be powerful phrases that add depth to a piece. You have some repetition here that I think actually detracts from the cleverness of what you're expressing. A few examples:

"The sound of Depression / Is the sound of falling tears" Using the phrase "the sound of" twice is a bit overkill I think. "Depression sounds like falling tears" sums up in 5 words what you said in 10. Somehow, I think this could be shorter and sweeter. ;)

Depression feels as though,
All of a persons hope,
All of a persons joy,
And all of a persons happiness


"all of a person" is not the important part of what you're saying, so why repeat it? I think it is much stronger as "All of a persons hope, joy and happiness". Single-word lines can be very powerful, but you could break the lines however you wanted. I like what you're saying, but the repetition is a little on the boring side.

"It leaves a bitter taste in ones mouth / It leaves ones mouth dry" I actually had to read the first line again before I could identify how you changed it. That's not ideal... it drew me out of the poem instead of deeper into the meaning. What's wrong with "It leaves a bitter taste in dry mouths" or "It leaves a dry, bitter taste in one's mouth"? I think both lines are stronger than essentially repeating the same line.

Depression looks,
Just like a child
A child all alone in this world


Again, a very long way of saying "Depression looks like a child all alone in this world". At the very least, removing the double "a child" would be nice.

As I said, I tend to dislike repetition unless it is very strong and makes the poem better. To me, the poem would be better without them, but even removing a few would make the instances where you DO use repetition more effective. Okay... done with repetition. ;)

"To the point where one can no longer speak." Correct me if I'm wrong, but "to the point where" just means "until" in this case, right? "Until one can speak no longer" is much simpler and flows better with the lines before and after.

To quickie "fixes":

"Sitting in the room" What room? There was no mention of a room... so "a" is probably a better choice than "the".

"Depression has a scent / Of day old blood" Somehow this seems like it should have "the" scent rather than "a" scent. May just be me though. ;)

Sorry if it seems like I just picked apart your poem. I think it has lots of potential... the wording is lovely (minus the repetition), and I like what you're saying. The flow of the lines is pretty good too. The last 6 lines are terrific and especially powerful. Overall, I like it! I think that with a little bit of revision, I could love it. :) If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another look.

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Review of You created me  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting poem! :)

Some favorite lines:

"From above, a single thread, its beauty a crime. / But I shall not use it to climb." Lovely... I imagine anything of beauty would be a crime if viewed from hell. ;) I would consider adding a descriptive word in there though, so that the reader will expect it to be beautiful. Not totally necessary, but I think it'd be nice. "a shining thread" or a "silver thread" or something. I like the line as it is too though... just thought I'd mention my thoughts.

"And I know dragging you here. / Will not make this hell disappear." This is a nice realization.

I really like the final line too. It's a fitting way to end this poem.

"You threw me down here" and "You threw me to hell"... these lines in the first and fourth stanzas struck me as a bit... odd I guess is the word. You want to drag someone to hell, the person who threw you to hell... so saying "you threw me to hell" seemed obvious. The repetition just didn't seem to strengthen the poem. I think if there's any way to change "you threw me" in one of the two places, I would do it.

"Hell is nothing to be afraid of. / When everything you have cherished lies dead far above." As much as I like the next two lines, these drove me nuts. The first has a few things that irk me... 1. "to be afraid of" is an very long and wordy way of saying "to fear" and 2. ending a line with a preposition (especially "of" to rhyme with "above") just kills me. I'd try to think of something else to say here to make the rhyme work without the wordy awkwardness. The next line just throws off the flow of the poem because it's a bit too long. Simple fix-- "When everything you cherish lies dead above". Cutting the extra syllables and tightening the verb ('you have cherished' doesn't seem as strong to me as "you cherish") makes the line flow much better with the lines before and after.

Overall, I think you're off to a very good start with this poem. I like the idea, and some of the wording is quite nice. With a bit of editing, I think it could be a pretty strong piece. If you decide to make any changes, I'd be happy to give it another read. :)

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a pretty intense poem. I really love some of the lines, and I like the story you're telling. Some of my favorite lines:

"hello darkness / how have you been" I like that you actually greeted your "friend". It's a nice touch.

"i saw the sun turning blue" I think this is an interesting way to say that the pain returned.

Some observations and suggestions:

The poem seemed to ramble a little bit. As I was reading it, I felt like I had heard some of it before. I kinda had these "Okay okay, I get it" moments. The end and beginning are both very strong, but I think condensing the middle a little bit could help. Breaking it isn't stanzas for each change in topic may help you while editing too because you can ask yourself "What does this stanza add to the poem that wasn't here before?"

Some of the lines could be simplified for better impact too I think... for instance:

"i am opening the door / welcoming in / a long lost friend" The word "am" doesn't add much meaning here, does it? And the "in" doesn't seem to help much either. So why not just say "I open the door / welcoming / a long lost friend"? This type of simplifying could happen throughout the poem. I think that sometimes the meaning can get buried under these types of small words that aren't truly needed.

General editing would be good as well. I can understand not using punctuation if, say, one line both begins and ends the lines before and after it. If there's no double-use, I think that poems could generally make good use of punctuation. The "how have you been" line, for instance, would look much stronger to me with a question mark. Something to think about, perhaps? As it is now, with a couple commas and a "...", the punctuation seems out of place when it does appear.

Overall, I like the concept, and I think this is a pretty moving poem. I do believe it could be much stronger with a bit of revision. If you decide to edit, I'd be happy to give it another look. :)

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Review of The Rain  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I can definitely relate to this piece. I prefer rain to sun any day! :) Some observations and suggestions:

Since you're essentially talking to the rain like a person, why not capitalize "rain" like you would a name? It would be a small change, but it would be visually appealing.

"Now you are not tapping, you're pounding, but you still sound kind." The 3 "you"s make this line sound very repetitive. Perhaps you could remove one with a little tweaking? "Your tapping has changed to pounding, but you still sound kind" or something?

"Its calm to listen to" This sounded a bit strange to me. I had to figure out what you meant-- I kept thinking that it was incomplete somehow. "The sound calms me" is what you're going for, right? Tweaking this so that the meaning is instantly clear may be a good idea.

"It clears my mind to listen to you, your relaxing and meditating" This is actually two complete thoughts (i.e. a run-on sentence), and the "you, you're" is a bit repetitive. Breaking it into two sentences and twisting the first would help. Something like: "Listening to you clears my mind. You're relaxing and meditating". By the way, I've never head "meditating" used as an adjective before... I think it's "meditative" if you're using it to describe something.

"Your like an eraser that erases pain" The "eraser that erases" is kinda funny. ;) What else would it do? Changing the wording here may make the line sound nicer too. There are lots of synonyms for "erase".

"I know when its time for you to go away" This is a rather long way of saying "I know that when you leave". Sometimes simple is best.

The last line isn't as strong as the line before it. The "rain will never go away" and "when it leaves, it will come back" mean the same thing AND repeat what you said in the line before it... so, why not just end the piece with the line before it? I know that the lines rhyme, but I didn't even notice during my first read... so I don't think removing the last line would damage the piece at all. :)

Overall, I think you have a good start here. The piece needs a thorough grammar edit, but I think it could benefit from some phrase/word changes as well. When I revise my work, I always ask myself if there is a simpler or more interesting way to say what I want to express. It can be helpful and make a piece much stronger. :) If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to read it again.

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Review of Home  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
You express your feelings well with this poem. Some of the lines are quite nice as well. Some observations and suggestions:

"Being in your arms, / Is like being home." I love what you're saying here, but the two "being"s just kill me. Unneeded repetition in poems tends to drive me nuts. I think that cutting them out could make the lines much stronger too. What you're saying here is "Your arms feel like home"... 5 simple words compared to your 8 words. Sometimes the meaning of a line can get buried that way... something to watch for in the future maybe.

"Your hands on me / Are a soft call to my soul" Lines like this may be more powerful if you add a tiny bit of description. Instead of "on me", you could tell us "on my back" or "on my skin" or something like that. The flow may be better too, since the next line is a bit longer. It would also change the repetitive feeling of the next two lines. "Your hands on my skin" doesn't sound quite as similar to "Your lips on mine'.

Here is another place where the repetition actually makes the lines less powerful to me:

My heart cries when they're through.
My hands yearn to touch you.
My lips call out your name.


You could just take out the "My"s from the second to lines. Have a look:

My heart cries when they're through,
hands yearning to touch you,
lips calling out your name.

Thoughts? I think it sounds much smoother. On a side note, the "when they're through" is another place you could tighten up the wording... the phrase is a bit awkward and doesn't flow well into the next line. "They are through" simply means "they end". The awkwardness disappears and suddenly the flow into the next line is better. The smallest changes are sometimes the best. :)

Poetry can be a very personal thing, so feel free to take or ignore any of these suggestions. As I said, you expressed some lovely ideas, and I think that overall your poem is okay. With some revision, it could be really good. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give the poem another read. :)

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Review of I Am The Sea  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Wow... you have some beautiful lines in this poem! Really lovely.

A few favorites:

"Bleach me clean in your beautiful foam." Just a lovely line.

"until the salts seal every pore" Fantastic phrase!

" your rumbling music" and "wave after growling wave" The proximity of these two lines makes them all the better. The rumbling and growling... love it!

Now some observations:

You change tenses a bit in this piece... you alternate between the present and future tense. There is nothing wrong with that, but it can be a bit unexpected and jarring when it happens. I think that stanza breaks would help considerably. For example:

The gathering orchestra drives me on, into the labyrinth of you.

To where the last few expectant steps will carry me,
Onto your soft and comforting beach of glass.
It is there and then that I will meekly raise my head.
To humbly bear witness to your awesome power.

I pause a while beguiled by you,
Then trembling fingers slowly peel the cotton from my back.


Okay... you see how this break separates the future tense ("will carry", "will raise") from present tense ("pause", "peel", "drives")? It would have been very helpful for me. I had to do lots of "Wait... what?" return reads to figure out where one thought ended and another began. The stanzas would have been very helpful, visually telling me something different was about to happen.

"will meekly raise" is a split infinitive, by the way. Should be "I meekly will raise" to be grammatically solid.

Another thing that puzzled me a bit:

"This is not indulgence, I want to be the Sea." Both before and after this line, you are talking to the sea. This line is talking about the sea, not to it. I found it a bit jarring. Again, putting this line by itself-- it's own stanza, if you will-- would have made the switch much gentler for me while I read the poem.

Finally, I thought the "turn our backs" at the end of the poem sounded a bit redundant. When I read the poem a second time, I realized it really was-- you used it already. "I could not, would not turn my back". I think I'd change the imagery in one of those places.

Overall, I think you have some really nice phrasing in this poem. I like the ideas you expressed as well. The flow is a bit conversational, but I think it works pretty well. With a grammar edit and some stanzas, I think the poem could be stronger and easier to read. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read. :)

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