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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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476
476
Review of The Experiment  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I do love scifi! The general idea for this story is fun. Some aliens created humanity and came back to check on it.

I also quite like the idea of both Blink and Cord tampering with the "experiment", but I would have loved to hear more about how they did it.

Some of the dialogue seemed pretty natural and effortless.

Observations & Suggestions:

Other parts of the dialogue were a bit awkward. "These humans have a mind...", for instance, didn't really work for me. Usually if someone is cut off in a bit of dialogue, I would expect one of two things. 1. That I could figure out what he meant to say or 2. That they didn't say enough to make me wonder what they were going to say. This had just enough to make me wonder but not enough so that I knew what he was saying. My curious mind rebels against that! hehe *Wink*

Other examples of the dialogue seeming a bit forced or awkward:

I saw what you did. I saw what you did here I would probably add an exclamation point after the first "saw what you did", and I would consider changing the wording very slightly in the next line. Maybe "I saw what you did! I know what you did here". This would make it less monotonous sounding.

Oh..... so this mission is actually a banishment I like this moment of realization, but it could be stronger. Blink was all bark and bluster before, so I would imagine that he'd have a harsher reaction. Maybe an alien curse? The way the line is written now, it also seems more like a writer telling the audience that they were banished than one alien talking to another. I'd consider changing the line to make it sound more conversational.

You have some good writing in this piece, but something jumped out at me (nearly choked me, if I'm honest)... This story has entirely too many questions in it! hehehe There are seven question marks in the story right now, and there are more questions without proper punctuation too, like:

How could a science experiment have gone so wrong. How were they going to fix up their baby before the master teacher realized what they had done Both of these should have question marks as well. These lines sound like an old radio announcer telling the story on old-timer radio, by the way. I can totally hear a, "Tune in next week for the conclusion of (da-da-dum!) The Experiment". *Wink*

More statements and less questions would really improve the readability in this story! They just got a bit tedious after a while, though I liked what they were saying sometimes.

Overall, I do really like the idea, and this is the perfect type of piece for flash fiction. The little twist at the end is a good idea too (though a bit more explanation about what they did and why they would be punished for it would make the ending stronger). A thorough grammar edit would be good, and revising some of those questions into statements could do wonders for this story. It's a good effort... it just needs some revision. If you decide to make some changes, I would be happy to give it another read and change my rating. It really does show promise! *Smile*

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477
477
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Things I Like:

A 4.5 star rating is rather high for me, especially for a poem that has some grammar issues and whatnot, but this is just too fun! You brought mischief to a whole new level with this poem! *Wink*

You had great storytelling technique in this piece. The voice remained consistent for the most part, and the transitions from present to past and back again were well executed. There was no confusion at all.

The rhymes don't seem forced at all. The sentences don't twist to make the rhyme work (maybe just once), and they seem to be a natural part of the poem.

The details are great. Some of the "tricks" are classic, and some are just outrageous! Setting fire to pigeon tales? It adds a tiny bit of creepy, and for a poem about Halloween, that's to be expected.

The ending is absolutely perfect for this poem. It brings the reader back to the present and has the adult "taking back the tricks"... having a little fun of his own. I dig it!

My favorite part is probably going to the theater to swap ideas and cigarettes. Attempt to keep kids out of trouble: fail! *Delight*

Observations & Suggestions:

There are some missing commas in here, and some punctuation would help considerably when reading. A line like 'Hear them holler "Trick or Treat" Oh, what..' could really benefit from some proper punctuation. That said, I wont harp on it.

The flow in a few places seemed a tiny bit off to me... just by a syllable of so. For example:

We tipped over outhouses, up and down the street This seems to be missing a syllable that would make it flow well from the line before it. I might consider "tipped over [the] outhouses".

We would wait until the midnight hour
When all was quiet and calm
Then grace our sleeping neighbor’s porch, with lit manure bombs

The first line seems a bit long for the flow here. I might consider these minor changes:

"[Waiting] until the midnight hour
When all was quiet and calm
We'd grade our sleeping..."

It streamlines what you're actually saying, so the reading itself is smoother. More importantly, it decreases the size of that first line, restoring the flow. Similarly:

The town would show free movies
Every Halloween

"The town showed free movies" would make the first line a little shorter and improve the flow into the next lines.

These are just a couple of examples. Try reading the poem aloud, and any time that you stumble over the wording or rhythm, tweak it! That usually works for me.

The beginning of this poem is very tame and cutesy, which works wonderfully to contrast the nasty tricks throughout the poem. It also makes the ending that much more amusing in my opinion. It does lend to one problem though:

People like me, who enjoy a little mean-spirited fun for Halloween, may stop reading too soon because of the cuteness. I got as far as "before this crap begins" and thought that it was a strong word choice for this type of poem... I even checked the rating to see if it was really not an "E" rating. It was a very pleasant surprise for me to see the twist, and I do hope that others continue reading long enough to see it. No suggestion... just an observation.

Overall, the poem has a few issues with flow and could use some punctuation, but the story told here more than makes up for it! It's just a super fun read, and I'm definitely going to check out another of your pieces. *Smile*

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478
478
Review by Cinn
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Irwin! Figured that I might as well give this a legitimate review instead of just emailing you about it. *Wink*

Some things I Like:

This story is actually longer than I usually read, as I adore very short fiction. It is fairly rare that a long story draws me in enough for me to read the entire piece and not just scan the last half. I read this piece in its entirety, not once but twice. You're a very solid storyteller.

The opening paragraph caught my interest. The first few lines gave us a glimpse of his longing, which reappears just frequently enough throughout to remind the reader that he still wants his wife, and the "glow in her eyes" line, in particular, sets up the story well.

The personification of his journaling voice is great! Referring to the voice as "buddy" here and there was especially nice. Everyone has that friend who gets them into trouble and talks them into things they know better than to do, but it is hard to escape a bad influence inside your own head. This is a nice touch. The dialogue between the man and his buddy also adds considerably to the tone of the story... the reader can expect something bad to happen. It's a bit ominous

My favorite part as far as the writing goes is in the paragraph with the wife and boss dancing. LOVE the ideas! Nearly prancing out of the thin fabric, the gilded appendage-- just some great writing in there!

The brief conversation with the bartender heightened the suspense nicely. He nearly tipped the husband over the edge, and personally, I enjoyed it!

The bit about Colonel Mustard is ridiculous, and I'm somewhat undecided on whether it is ingenious or cliche. I love the idea of a whimsical death... speaking of murder in terms of a board game that fairly young children can play is awesome! The precise person and weapon is a cliche, of course, but I don't think that another character or weapon would be as effective with the audience-- who else is there? The butler with the knife? It just wouldn't read as well. I do love what this part adds to the story, so I can get over the cliche killer. *Wink*

I'm glad that you killed the boss in the end. I would have been disappointed if you hadn't. You painted the boss as an unpleasant character, even without the addition of trying to sleep with the man's wife. It is fitting also that the man didn't murder his wife, as you've shown that he still cares for her.

Observations & Suggestions:

The death was over so fast! I do love gore, but I don't think that is necessarily needed in this story. I also think that in some ways, the quickness of the death "scene" mirrors what it would be like in real life. The feelings built up in the man for years and became worse and worse during the party. That is a slow build... and then his life changed in the blink of an eye. One decision, one action, and it's just over. So, the end was anticlimactic in my opinion, but it is also very appropriate. I'm not sure which is more important to you, so I just thought I'd mention it. No suggestion for change.

You used a bit of passive voice in the story, enough to distract me. For instance "she was hoping" rather than "she hoped" and "I was confronted" rather than "the near nakedness of her breasts and thighs confronted me".

Some other minor wording tweaks could improve readability as well. "His hands pressed around as much flesh as his greedy hands could grab," for instance, could be written much smoother: "He pressed as much flesh as his greedy hands could grab". The line is easier to read without the extra words, and it still gives me the impression that he's greeting guests (shaking hands) as well as grabbing some women (the wife). This type of general editing would be good throughout the story.

The 'pressing flesh' sentence is a very clever line, by the way. This is another line that falls in the 'dancing with the boss' paragraph. Love it!

Overall I think the story is good! You have moments of real brilliance in your wording and storytelling. As mentioned, the piece needs a fair amount of editing for grammar and readability, but that is to be expected in a draft. Well done, dear! I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

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479
Review of The Wish  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
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Things I Like:

This is a sweet story, and I do think that it is a complete story, which can be difficult in 100 words or less. Well done on that! I'm a sucker for flash fiction in general, so I can really appreciate the compact story here.

Wishing on butterflies is such a cute idea! I've never heard of it before, but it has a rather romantic vibe to it.

I would love it if you'd include who taught her about wishing on butterflies... a grandparent maybe? Seems like a lovely opportunity to add some more sentiment. If it was her father who taught her, the last line could become "both her of her fathers in Heaven" too... extra cute.

Observations & Suggestions:

There is only one mention of the girl's name, and in all other instances, she is referred to simply as "she". The 'she spots', 'she makes' and 'she was' lines in the second paragraph are a bit monotonous sounding. I would consider tossing some synonyms or another mention of her name in there somewhere.

She was taught that her wish would be carried to Heaven. This is one of my favorite lines from the story, but I think it could be written in a stronger way. As mentioned, saying who taught her would be a nice detail and take the passive voice away from "was taught". The "would be carried" could be stronger too. I might consider something like:

"Sarah's father taught her that the little white wings would carry her wish to Heaven." First, it would give a reason as to why the white ones were special-- those were the 'wish butterflies'. Second, it mentions the white butterfly... currently, there is no mention of the butterfly in the second paragraph except "one" and "it". Not very descriptive, and since the whole idea is wishing on a butterfly, it seems like a good idea to mention it again. *Wink*

The tense switching threw me a little bit. In the first sentence, "She liked" and the next lines are present tense. I found it jarring when I first read it. The "was taught" in the second paragraph worked a little better for me, but it may be a cool idea to make the first paragraph past tense and the second paragraph present tense. I suppose that change could make it even more jarring though... hard to tell without actually doing it! I thought I'd mention it anyway.

Most of the sentences in this piece are rather short, so the sentence structure gets a bit monotonous sounding sometimes. The first two lines, for instance, are both simple sentences. Combining some sentences here and there would make the story read less choppy. I also tend to associate short sentences with rapid action... so longer sentences may make the words seem more slow and fluid. I imagine catching a butterfly would require some slow fluidity of motion. *Wink*

Overall, I think this is a very cute idea. The writing itself could use a bit of polish, paying particular attention to the tenses, passive voice, pronoun usage, and sentence structure. I enjoyed reading it, but some revision would take it from "okay" to "amazing"!

Note: My ratings tend to reflect my enjoyment level to some extent, but mostly they represent the quality of the writing itself. With an edit, I would be happy to review again and change my rating. *Smile*

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480
480
Review of Zombie Attack  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

This is a first for me... I really adore some parts of this poem, and I completely despise other parts. Generally, I like or dislike something, but I have two drastic and competing feelings about this one.

The first stanza is great. I generally am not a huge fan of very conversational, simplistic opening stanzas, but this one is pretty much perfect. The simplicity is fitting for the subject matter. Someone who is extremely tired cannot think in complex terms generally-- as an insomniac, I would know. hehe Really, a very good start!

The other part that I truly love is the line "I just unthought, unwrote and untalked". Amazing... I adore it! It's just perfect!

Now for what I really hate:

Zombie attack
Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think
Zombie attack
Just breathe, just breathe, just breathe

This sounds like a superhero's theme song or something. I was totally thrown by this, after the amazing intro. I just wanted to highlight and hit delete. Seriously... so jarring! I would cut this entire stanza down to 4 words:

"Don't think.
Just breathe."

Short, simple, and a whole lot better sounding. The meaning is much more clear... honestly, I would love this change.

Won’t you tell me ( tell me) who to be (what to say) how to think
Won’t you tell me
Because I’m too tired, too tired, too tired, too tired, too tired, too tired

Oh the repetition here just kills me. These are such boring phrases to repeat. Also, is the (tell me) and (what to say) supposed to be like an echo or response or something? I would do the same thing to this as I did to the last one... cut it down!

"Wont you tell me
who to be
what to say
how to think
Because I'm too tired. Too tired."

Again, the meaning is more clear. The single repetition makes for a much more powerful line. Seriously... why complicate things needlessly? The chanting quality of the lines before sounded more like a punk concert to me than the type of chant that would go on in a tired person's head.

I think I would consider cutting the "Do you hear me?" as well. It just seems a bit unneeded to me. I do like the last couple lines alright, but I would consider ending with the "Too tired" line. It sums up the entire poem nicely, and you could simply move the "I just unthought, unwrote and untalked" line like this:

"I just unthought, unwrote and untalked.

Wont you tell me
who to be
what to say
how to think
Because I'm too tired. Too tired."

This would make sense. You just unthought, unwrote, and untalked yourself, so now you need someone to tell you who to be, etc. Just a suggestion.

Overall, the parts of this that I love, I really love! The parts I hate, I absolutely despise! I would love to talk to you about this poem and why you made the choices you did. I'm just baffled. Shoot me an email. *Wink*

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481
481
Review of Expendable  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

There are some great ideas in this poem, and some of the wording is very intriguing. The soldier mentality really shines through in this piece. I do have some observations and suggestions for you though.

Expendable
I am the shadow on the wall
I am the ghost that never rests
I am watching you when you don’t know it
Until it’s too late

The repetition of "I am" is not terribly effective here. It's a boring phrase that adds bulk to the lines without enhancing the meaning or flow. I would suggest this change:

"I am the shadow on the wall,
the ghost that never rests,
watching you when you don't know it"

The last line is a bit bulky for the flow in general, but I do think that this type of edit makes the first stanza read more smoothly and highlights the important words. You could take it a step further as well... "shadow on the wall / a ghost that never rests" sounds even better to me.

To survive war you have to become war because
When you are pushed, killing is as easy as breathing

The flow here is way off... it isn't smooth. The "have to become" is an awkward phrase as well. "have to" means "must"... so why not use "must"? I would also consider removing the "because" to make these lines separate thoughts. They would be more powerful in my opinion. The phrase "you are" in the second line isn't necessary either. "When pushed, killing is..." works just as well and is less bulky.

"Many people associate this word with war" The last word used was "breathing". I don't think people associate the word "breathing" with war, so I presume you mean "killing"... this is rather unclear and could use either some rearranging or a line addition to add clarification.

"When they get pitch black" I have no idea what this means. Perhaps it is a soldier phrase that I'm not familiar with? Getting "black"? I don't know... but I thought I would mention it. If the average person is part of your intended audience, this may be as lost on them as it is on me.

"Track ‘em, Find ‘em, Kill ‘em" Great line! Very primal and military-like.

They got each other’s backs
And would take a bullet for their team because
We are expendable

You refer to "they" and "their" here, and then say "we". It should be one or the other... either you are a part of it or you're not. "We got each other's backs / ...a bullet for our team / we are expendable" or the first two lines as they are now with the change "they are expendable". Either way would work... though I must say that using "we" makes the lines more powerful in my opinion. I would drop the "because" here as well because it adds bulk and badly disrupts the flow. I would consider cutting the "and" from the second line for the same reason.

Overall, I think this poem has some strong lines and great voice! Some line tightening could improve readability and greatly help the flow, which is one of the aspects that needs the most work. If you make revisions, I would be happy to give it another read. *Smile*

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482
482
Review of Satan's Whore  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

You have some great imagery in this piece, and I do really like some of the ideas you used in the poem. In general, I enjoy dark poetry and stories, so I was happy to see some melancholy sorts of descriptions in here. Some observations and suggestions:

Lots of lines in this poem could be cleaned up considerably! Some words and phrases throughout are just unneeded for the meaning or make the lines awkward to read. A few examples:

"I watched as the darkness poured out of your soul" There is a much simpler way to say "poured out of your soul"... "poured from your soul".

"our tale now therfore becomes a sad one grasping for things that are not and never were really yours" The "now therefore becomes" is very awkward and seems a bit unnecessary to me. I would cut both the now and the therefore. The "a sad one" doesn't seem to need the word "one".. I would remove it or change it to a word with more zing... a sad story, an epic tragedy, or maybe even just "becomes a tragedy". Something more interesting.

"All the years of anguish falling to the floor as if it were the crimson red dripping from your barley beating heart" First, crimson and red are synonyms... one or the other would suffice. The words "all the" seem unnecessary for the meaning of the line. "as if it were" is a long way of saying "like". Also... typo of "barely". The simplified rewrite:

"Years of anguish falling to the floor like crimson dripping from your barely beating heart" Not only is this much simpler, but it flows better and is much easier to read. The meaning jumps out at you. This type of line tightening throughout the poem could drastically improve the quality of the piece.

The flow is almost non-existent at times in this poem. At the most basic, poetry is about the flow of words-- even gibberish can be a poem if the words flow beautifully together. Read the poem aloud... if you stumble at all over the wording, change it. It's a good rule of thumb.

I do like the ideas "everything you have is on loan" and things that "are not, and never were, yours". The 'pain others felt for a season' bit is quite nice as well. There may be less wordy ways to express these ideas, but the concepts themselves are good.

Overall, I think that this piece desperately needs revision. You have some nice word choice throughout, but it is bogged down by lengthy phrasing that adds little meaning or could be more concise. The flow is something that needs lots of work as well. The general topic is good, and you use some creative comparisons. Basically, I think it is a great rough draft. You poured ideas onto a page, and the wording and ideas are great at times. Now they need some polish! *Smile*

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483
483
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

This is a good story... rather dark, and I like dark. The voice here is very strong and lends characterization to a story that otherwise would have none. Difficult to do, and you did it well! Some observations:

The storyteller questions the reader often. This is pretty effective as far as showing us her state of mind. It adds a bit of a neurotic edge to the writing. However, the questions came so frequently that they bored me after a while. A handful of well-placed questions would serve you much better I think. When revising, I would ask myself how powerful the question really is.

The exclamation points are another thing that pops up frequently in this piece, but I didn't find them terribly effective. I'm from the school of Fitzgerald on this one, if I might use a quote here: "Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald. One or two in a piece this long would be more than enough I think. Using periods may even give the piece a more chilling quality, a calmness that could be eerie. Right now, it is a bit hyperactive for someone resolved to go through with her revenge.

We never learn what this guy actually did to her. When you finally got to the "He ruined my career" bit, I figured he was her manager or something. I suppose it could be that he got her pregnant or something. In general, I don't know why the storyteller decided to do this. The "commanded" part is likewise unclear. Is she supposed to be hearing voices or something? Up until the end, she seemed to be doing this for her own reasons, not because she was "commanded" to do so. There was no regret at having to do it, no "it is too late to stop now" or anything that would indicate that she wasn't just out for revenge.

The piece needs a thorough edit for grammar and basic polishing as well. The conversational tone is fine, but there are places where the writing gets weighed down and muddied by it. For instance:

He wailed out! It was all sorts of awful, it really was.

The "wailed out!" is a bit odd. I would think "Oh, how he wailed!" or something would be more fitting here while still having a conversational (and dramatic) tone. The "It was all sorts of awful" sounds very young to me... more like a teenager than a grownup chasing her dream career. The voice seems to become altered briefly here, which happens now and then throughout. Just one example of an area that could use some polishing.

Overall, I think this is a good draft. A thorough edit would improve the readability, and I think that letting the readers know a bit more about the situation could make them connect with the story much more than is possible now. Good luck with your revisions! *Smile*

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484
484
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

A few things right away: First, the rating on this should be higher than E! Violence, a light curse word, and the "fairy" references... definitely not for young children. I would guess 13+ would be a much more accurate rating. Also, I would suggest splitting these three pieces into three separate items here if you want thorough reviews for each one.

That said, I'll start with my thoughts on the first piece, "Saving Face". The title is quite fitting, and the first paragraph really drew me in. Unfortunately, I started to lose interest around the "A signups last week" paragraph and never really regained excitement for the piece. I suppose that I felt like I had heard all of this before by that point. I do enjoy your writing style, and you have amazing phrasing throughout. The story itself just bored me after a while-- which is not necessarily bad. It may just not be for me.

The "Easier Said Than Done" story is a bit of a confusing mess actually, which surprised me. I read it 3 times, and I could not say with 100% confidence that I know what it is about. That is a bit of a problem for me. Some clarity could really help-- things like this, for example, are an issue for me:

Mom's half a country away... No big deal. You aren't even dating her anymore.

The guy is dating his mom? *Wink* That is pretty much what it says, but it clearly isn't what you meant. Just one of the many aspects of this story that I had to "decipher" to understand. It didn't make for an enjoyable read, so I would definitely edit this one. The piece also lacked the amazing phrases of the first story, which had great visual elements.

The third story, "The Limit," is definitely my favorite of the three. It is concise, the plot unfolds perfectly, and the details are lovely. Basically, it is short, sweet, and to-the-point, which is something to strive for when writing flash fiction. Something this story has that the others lacked: a really strong final line. One of the reasons I adore flash fiction is the zinger endings, and this story has one. Very simple, but I do like it very much!

Overall, I think that your wording is quite nice throughout all three stories. They do need editing though-- missing words, typos, etc. That last piece is pretty impressive, and I think it is by far the best of the bunch. If you revise any of these, I would be happy to give them another read. *Smile*

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485
485
Review of Mirrored Confetti  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
First, welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy your time here! :)

Now, the review. I really love the 'mirrored confetti' metaphor and phrasing. It instantly drew me to read this piece. The final line is fantastic, though I would suggest a simple edit: "fallen life[,] looking [sic] to the only face willing to see". I think the story is interesting too, though it was a bit confusing at times. Here are some suggestions for you:

You use far too many sentence fragments in this piece. Using a fragment here and there can add poignancy to a piece, but you have full paragraphs of fragments. Not only it the flow very choppy, but the lines themselves seem repetitive after a while. They sort of numbed me to the meaning after a while. For instance:

"Haggard, worn out, thin and withering and guilty, and mean because of it. Hurt and played, and everyone hardened. Weary and angry, unyielding and unspeaking. Stinking with hate. Separated by silence, and begrudged. Ill-hidden disgust because I was such a freak, and not yours. Too different, too strange, too quiet, and not yours. Alien, dangerous, crazy, and always not yours."

There is not a single complete sentence in here. I had to figure out who you were talking about as well... from context, I presume it is the person telling the story. All of the descriptions become tedious by the end as well. I can envision this paragraph being very emotional and powerful if the only fragments used were "And not yours."

As mentioned before, the piece was a bit confusing for me at first. You were talking about "him" long before the reader knew who he was, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I didn't feel connected to the story until much later.

The beginning of the story is also told in a rather detached tone. It is an emotional piece, but the entire beginning is devoid of emotion... it feels like a matter-of-fact telling of the tale. When the emotion finally comes (after the line "And so he did."), it is so in your face that it is difficult to get through it. A wee bit more balance here could make for a more pleasant reading experience.

Finally, I don't feel like I really got to know any of the people in this story. There was no connection to anyone for me, which also could have made the story more enjoyable. I also found myself wondering why everyone thought the person telling the story "wasn't right". Was it real or in their heads?

Some general editing is needed throughout as well. Unneeded commas, missing commas, and so forth are frequent in this piece. I would try to simplify some of the lines as well. For instance:

"and I hid. In the books, in the pages, in the words and -most dangerously- in the mind." This is another one of those fragments that doesn't need to be a fragment, and the repetition of "in the" doesn't make the line more powerful... it's actually distracting. How about simplifying like this:

"[...], and I hid in the books, the pages, the worlds, and (most dangerously) the mind." Possibly even "my own mind" or something like that, as your mind isn't in a book but the pages and worlds are. Anyway, this line illustrates the kind of polish that could really help the readability of your story. :) I do love this line, by the way. Lovely meaning.

Overall, I do think that this is a good start. The basic story is interesting, and I love some of the lines. A bit more character development and some thorough editing would improve clarity and engage me more as a reader. Good luck with your revisions. :)

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486
486
Review by Cinn
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First, welcome again to WDC! ;)

You have some very strong writing in this piece. I particularly like the tension you created when Toby was waiting for the next set of explosions. I like lots of your details as well... the smell of stale coffee hanging in the air, for instance. You created a strong voice for the character as well-- a bit conversational in tone but with a dreamy sort of quality.

Story-wise, I quite liked the entire piece, though the end was a bit anticlimactic for me. I suppose I like blood, gore, and nervous breakdowns too much. ;) That is where my mind headed, which is not so much a fault in your writing as my own preference!

I do think that if you could sneak in a little more characterization for Toby, it would make the story more engaging. The reader would be concerned for his safety or feel more for him in general. Difficult to do with a short word count though, and the voice used to tell the story does offer some character.

The biggest areas to work on in your writing is grammar. We all take certain creative liberties when we write, but some things can become quite distracting. I'm not going to edit this piece, but I will point out a few areas to watch for when you edit your work.

First, I don't mind the occasional non-sentence statement. Sentence fragments can add interest to writing if used sparingly. You use them very frequently, which became a bit tedious for me after a while. They lost their impact. Here are a few examples:

"Trying to show me it would all be okay. That there was nothing to worry about."
"And then another."

And a couple that begin with "But":

"But it’s the first one that has the greatest impact."
"But while the distance had dumbed the volume, it had done little to quell the growing fear inside me."

The sentences themselves are not as much of a problem as the frequency with which they occur. Also, sentences that begin with "But" are generally more effective without the "but" or used in a compound sentence with the line before it. Sometimes, they work well, but all together, I think these types of fragments overpowered the piece.

Second, you use passive voice frequently, which essentially sucks the action right out of your words. Here are a few examples and fixes (though it happened so frequently I cannot point them all out in this review):

"In that split second any sense of peace is obliterated and your subconscious is dragged abruptly back to reality; just in time for the next detonation." The "is obliterated" and "is dragged" are passive. The easiest way to fix it is to figure out what causes the action and make it the subject. Fix:

"In that split second[,] [the blasts] obliterated any sense of peace and dragged your subconscious back to reality" You don't have to use this. It is just an example.

"hairs on the back of my neck were standing" This one is much easier to fix. "hairs on the back of my neck [stood] on end".

"The first raft of explosions were quickly followed by another." This one is both passive (were followed) and a split infinitive because there is a modifier between were and followed.
.
"My heart had already begun" Split infinitive. "already had begun" These happen here and there throughout. It's something easy to fix once you start looking for them.

Also, each time you use a semi-colon in this piece, they are used incorrectly.

"My heart had already begun to build momentum; my muscles to tense and contract. My body was preparing to flee; to find my safe haven."
"dragged abruptly back to reality; just in time for the next detonation."

In each of these sentences, you should use a comma rather than a semi-colon. They serve different purposes. :)

One last bit of grammar to watch for... using a comma on phrases that begin a sentence. This happens frequently as well, but here are a couple of examples:

"At last[,] I felt safe"
"From above[,] I heard the creak"

I know that grammar isn't much fun, but it really can improve the reading experience for the audience. These are the areas that I think need the most work, which is good news! Grammar can be learned, but a flair for storytelling is much harder to teach. You already have that. :)

Overall, I think this is a nice story! I would be interested in reading more actually-- finding out where this is, what daily life is like for this family, and how long these night assaults have been happening. I guess you could say that I'm intrigued. :) If you decide to give this some revision or want more clarity for anything I've said here, shoot me an email! :)

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487
487
Review of Black Clocks  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy WDC B-day! :)

You have some great wording in here! I do like the general idea as well. Some notes for improvements:

"The hour hand appears and second flit by in black motion" I think that this should read 'second flits', as I believe you mean the second hand.

"Pride lost, dignity and self -meaningless as the hands make their tolls" I genuinely like this. Love the way it sounds and the meaning is good. The punctuation is painful though. I would consider: "Pride lost. Dignity and self meaningless, as the hands..."

"Skins crack as it grows short, or perhaps it won’t, our casing is fragile" Grammar issue here that can cause real confusion. There are two pronouns here. The first we have to infer is "time", but as it is written, the skins grow short. ;) The second "it" does refer to the skins I think. Anyway, too many pronouns leads to a lack of clarity here.

"My bones slip under her weight. She breaks me down" I love these last two lines, but I do have a suggestion. 'her weight' refers to time as well (as far as I can tell). So why not use it? "under time's weight" or "under the weight of Lady Time" or something? It would make the 'She breaks me down" that much stronger.

Overall, I think this is a great piece that needs some polish. I really enjoyed it though. :)

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488
488
Review of Take Care  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Happy WDC B-day! :)

This is a nice little poem, but I do have some notes for you:

At first, I was not loving the "but I'll take care" repeated so close together in the first few lines. After reading them 3-4 times, I decided that I liked the sound and meaning. I particularly like the third "but I'll take care," as it seems to be both the last line of the sentence before and first line of the sentence afterward. The first 8 lines are quite nice.

The rest of the poem is a bit messy though. Definitely could use some editing.

"Whip your tears don't want to
see you cry but the pain that
has been caused makes tears
show from all outside and in
but I'll take care"

First, 'wipe' not 'whip' I think. Whip is what you do with a whisk when cooking... I can't imagine such rapid action with tears. ;) "has been caused" is long and pretty much useless here. Obviously, pain had a cause. It's a bulky phrase that adds nothing to the meaning. I'd consider just "the pain causes tears".

Also, I've read the poem a number of times, and I don't really know what you mean by "show from all outside and in"... it's a weird line. The 'from' confuses me, and I wonder if it is not the preposition needed here. 'all outside and in'... what does this refer to? The tears themselves are both outside and in? Or more likely, the implied people they "show" to... but how can they be inside? Needlessly confusing I'd say. I would certainly try to clean up these lines.

"National guards are up so
no one can get up on my offense
So I'll take care and still know my
love and heart still exists so
I'll Take Care"

Both of the "ups" here are strange. If the 'National guards are up" means a heavily armed 'put my guard up' sort of guard, I think it is pretty clever. If not, the wording is odd. "no one can get up on offense" has only a vague shred of meaning for me. The 'get up on my offense' is just a strange sort of phrase. My thoughts trailed (eventually) to 'one up on my offense,' but I have no idea if that is what you intended.

"still know / still exists" Too much 'still' for me. It sounds clunky to me. The repeat of "so I'll take care" and then "I'll take care" is not very smooth here. I like using the more conversational 'so I'll', but not when followed by the standard use that you've tossed in throughout the poem. Also, 3 uses of 'so' is not only very conversational but distracting as well. These lines repeat small words (so, up, still) but have a drastic and negative impact on my reading enjoyment.

Overall, I like the ideas expressed in the poem, and I think that it does have strong moments. If you clean up the last half of the poem, I think it could be very good. :)

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489
489
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Happy WDC B-day! :)

This is a sweet poem. I like the sentiment, and the last stanza is particularly good in flow, meaning, and wording. I do this that the flow is a bit off sometimes and that you have some unneeded phrases and words in here. Some notes:

"The world is too big.
It spins too fast.
I’m running in circles,
Because straight lines can’t last."

I like what this stanza means, but I was put off a little bit by the two short, choppy sentences at the beginning. They sound a bit dull and matter-of-fact as two sentences. Of course, choppy sentences do tend to indicate rapid motion, so they are fitting in that respect. I don't love the sound of them as two sentences, but they do serve a purpose that way. If this was my piece, I guess I would ask myself which is more important to me.

"Because straight lines can’t last." This line is a bit long and throws off the flow of the first stanza a bit. Normally, syllables at 5-4-5-6 would be just fine, but it is a bit awkward here. I would revise it I think.

"But just when I’m about to fall
You take hold of my hand
And steadied by the gaze of your eyes
I feel I’ll never have to move again"

I think this is the weakest stanza by far, which is fitting since the first and last should always be impressive in a poem. ;) Lots of extra phrases and padding here that doesn't add to the meaning and makes the lines bulky. "But just" "hold of" "of your eyes" (what else would you gaze with?) "have to". These are boring little phrases that don't add much interest... but do add awkwardness. "have to" adds some meaning, but I would still remove it. I would also change "hold of", which is very conversational, to "by the". What you're left with is much more concise and flows better, and has a ling length similar to the rest of the poem.

"when I'm about to fall
You take me by the hand[.]
Steadied by your gaze
I feel I'll never move again"

As mentioned, I do like the final stanza. The flow is nice. It sums up the ideas expressed in the poem very well, and it's a nice sentiment too.

A final note: You have punctuation in the first stanza (very helpful for this type of poem), but you have none at all in the second and third stanzas. Punctuating the rest really improve the enjoyment factor when reading the piece.

Overall, a nice poem that would use a few minutes of editing. Well done! :)

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490
490
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy WDC B-day!

I stumbled upon your port, and I was curious about this piece because 1. I like playing with double meanings and 2. I don't think I've ever seen a piece on here with 116 reviews. I had to peek at it.

This is short and sweet-- the word play is very cute. If it was mine, I would consider dropped 'the' from "lose the interest". I think that people would still get the borrow-interest pun (particularly as you pretty much spelled it out for everyone beforehand, and it would make more sense in the attention-interest context without 'the'. Additionally, I found myself wondering why someone would lose the interest on a loan-- even if inflation was higher than anticipated, the person would still acquire the interest... it just may not be worth as much as they intended. Anyway, the combination of making more sense in one context and not driving me crazy in the other would lead me to drop that 'the'. ;)

The parentheses around 'pal' are a wee bit distracting coupled with the dash and exclamation. I think that I would remove one of the three as well.

Overall, cute piece! I can see why it has had so much attention. ;)

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491
491
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Happy WDC B-day! :)

This is such a sweet little poem! I would be thrilled if my husband left such a note for me, but alas, he is not a poet. ;)

"That I cannot picture my life ahead / Without you in each frame." This is my favorite set of lines. Love the sentiment! If it was my poem, I might consider making the change to "cannot picture my future life" or something because I think 'future' and 'frame' would sound nice together. Regardless, I love the line meaning here. It is very visual for such simple words.

A few fixes:

"Even ‘round the curves and bends / To wherever it might go" It should be "wherever they may go" because curves and bends are plural.

"I will forever travel along our road" The "will forever travel" is awkward to say because it is a split infinitive (the predicate 'will travel' is broken by a modifier). Easy change... "I will travel forever along our road".

Overall, I think this is just a sweet little poem that really gets your message across. The last line serves as an apology I think. For a simple piece, I think it has power, which can be difficult to obtain. Well done!

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492
492
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Happy WDC B-day! :)

This poem has some very strong lines, and I can appreciate the dark imagery. The flow is good most of the time. I think that both the flow and the general reading experienced could be improved by tightening up some bulky wording throughout the poem. Some examples:

"To see no gardens, only vines but of thorns" The 'but of' is awkward and obscures the meaning a little bit as well. There are no gardens... there are only vines, but those are thorny. Seems like an awkward way to say this to me. I'd consider changing 'but of' to 'with'.

Perfect example of a small change that makes a big difference when reading: "Running through the valleys of the mind" Remove the first 'the' and suddenly the line is easier to read and flows better. "Running through valleys of the mind".

"Willing surrender to the carnage of the soul" I'm not generally a big fan of using "of the" in poetry. It's longer than necessary, and I find it a bit distracting. The nature of the phrase is possessive, so the simplest way to say it is "soul's carnage"... "of the" just makes the sentence needlessly bulky.

This type of tightening would make reading the poem much more enjoyable. The addition of punctuation would help as well. It took much longer to read for me because I constantly had to figure out what phrases went together... where one thought ended and another began.

Overall, I think this is a pretty good poem, and you really have lots of vivid lines. With a thorough edit, I think it would be a stellar piece. :)

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493
493
Review of A Short Memory  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (1.5)
Welcome to WDC! I hope your time here helps become the type of writer you want to be. :)

There is some lovely sentiment in this piece, and the feelings expressed do come through. Unfortunately, the writing itself is... boring. Now, I don't want to discourage you at all because I do think that you could easily improve your writing. You just need to keep an open mind and know what to look for when you edit. :)

First, 9 out of 11 sentences start with "I". This may not seem like a big deal, but it is incredibly monotonous to read. Let me illustrate:

I just want. I wanted. I wanted. I just didn't want. I cried. I just wanted. I try. I feel. I whispered.

These are your words... subjects and predicates for 9 out of 11 sentences. Not terribly interesting is it? A bit repetitive. Many of the sentences are short too, so they don't read too different from this at times. What you actually wrote in this piece is lovely, and it would be very nice if you could make the sentences sound lovely to match. Varied sentence structure could help considerably. Here is a tiny sample of what you could do:

"I just wanted to hold her in my arms. I wanted to say the words I have never said. I wanted to feel her warm embrace in this cold night. I just didn't want to be alone."
VS
"I want to hold her in my arms, saying the words I never said and feeling her warm embrace on this cold night. Instead, I'm just alone."

These types of changes could be very helpful throughout. Additionally, I did fix the tenses here. Whether you want this to be past or present tense, choose one and stick with it. "I wanted to feel her on this cool night"... it should be "want/this" or "wanted/that". This type of tense issue happens now and then, but it's easy to spot if you look for it. Another that I spotted at a glance: "I feel". Most of the piece is past tense, so I imagine it should be "I felt".

On a side note, "If only I can remember ; The girl whom I miss so much." This is pretty sounding, but it doesn't make much sense. You clearly remember her... the entire piece is about her. You also can't miss someone that you don't remember. ;) As an ending, this is a tiny bit lacking. "If only I could see her again, the girl I miss so much" would make more sense, but I'm not sure it is what you want to say here.

Overall, I think this has promise. There is passion in this piece, and again, the sentiment is very sweet! Some editing could help this piece so much! I really hope you decide to revise it. If you make changes, I would be happy to give it another look and possibly change my rating. :)

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494
494
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! :)

These characters seem fitting for a romance story. You know what they look like, a little bit about their personalities, and their interests when it comes to love. Curious though if you intend to give them backgrounds at all. Rich, poor? Broken home, happy family? Abandonment issues, spoiled and expect to be the center of attention?

For a general outline, I think you have a good start, but the characters seriously lack depth at the moment. Not too surprising really... it is just a basic outline after all. ;) I am just curious about what else you might already "know" about each character.

You said that you want help with a title. Well... what is the story actually about? What is the setting? Someone likes beach girls... but that's one of the only hints we have as to where the story might be.

Shoot me an email if you want to bounce ideas around with someone. I can't say that I ever read romance, but that could give me a fresh perspective I suppose. ;) Good luck with your characters and story!

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495
495
Review of Freedom  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Time for a re-review! :)

This is a definite improvement. I can't tell exactly what you changed, but I know that some of the problem sentences must have been revised. It reads much smoother now, and the descriptions don't weigh the piece down as much. The action is also much clearer now. Well done! There is still some room for improvement, but this is a very good start to the editing process. :)

If you decide to make the piece longer, like you mentioned, I would be happy to give it another read. It may be interesting to read more about the love-hate relationship between Prudence and the man of the manor.

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496
496
Review of I am FREE  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! :) I hope you like it here!

This poem has some really strong lines, the flow is okay for the most part, and I like some of the imagery. I do have some suggestions:

The first stanza didn't draw me in very much, but it serves it's basic purpose... introducing the content of the poem. I do think that this line in particular could be much stronger: "In you and in me". "Inside you and me" would be less choppy sounding. 5 monosyllabic words in a row just doesn't work well for me. ;) As you repeat the line later, I would change it there too.

"We try to hide it in the day" This line has the same issue for me... 8 monosyllabic words in a row. A bit boring to look at, and it doesn't sound special. I do like the meaning of the line though. I might suggest working "daylight" into the line... something longer and more interesting. "We hide in daylight / behind our masks" or "In daylight, we hide / behind our masks" or something maybe.

I like the "painted, shattered glass" Nice visual!

"But we can't shy away / If we seek to be / The "we" / That hides deep inside." Again, I like what these lines mean, but the wording isn't very interesting. Mostly very small words... I would definitely see if I could rewrite some of this and add a bit of flair. Saying "we" in 3 consecutive lines is repetitive as well. I'd consider something like "shyness is no option / if we seek to be / the 'we'" or something. Clearly flow could become an issue without tweaking each line a tiny bit, but I think it could be worth it.

We need to delve in
To the reflection
Of our soul
In the mirror.

I like this... reminds me of Ender's Game. ;) A few grammar issues though. First, "into" is one word. Second, the subject is "we"... so souls should be plural. Reflection and mirror can be either singular or plural, so long as both are the same tense. :) On a side note, and this is just my personal opinion, begging every line with a preposition can get monotonous. "to" "of" "in".. all prepositions. You may want to play with line breaks in other places sometime. If it was mine, I would probably go all out like this:

We need delve into
the reflection of our
souls
in the mirror.

Only one line begins with a preposition. I generally cut almost all of the little words (a, the, in, of, to) from my poems altogether though. But again, it's a matter of taste. Just thought I'd mention it because it can be fun to play with line breaks. ;)

We need to fight
The makeup
Of pseudo society
And dig into the cracks
Of the shells that confine us.

The "we need" repeat doesn't add much to the power of the poem. I'd consider changing one to "must" or something. Also, I might consider dropping the "and"... "society[,] / digging into the cracks" so that all 5 lines don't start with a tiny, uninteresting word. You could eliminate "that" as well. "digging into the cracks / of our confining shells". Tightening up phrases in your poem can make the world of difference. If there is a less wordy way to say something, it usually results in the elimination of small words that bulk up a sentence, leaving the most important words in place.

The fourth stanza is the dullest in the poem, and it seems like it should be the most powerful. It's the moment where you decide to put a stop to whatever is holding "we" back. Somehow, it doesn't move me at all... probably because it has a more conversational tone that any of the other stanzas. For example, "And nothing will change that." This sounds like something you would say to a friend on the phone or something. Though the words speak of determination, the tone isn't determined. Know what I man? I would definitely try to edit this entire stanza.

The final stanza is the strongest in the poem, though the increased line length is a bit odd. It changes the flow considerably.

"When we rust away the chains holding us down." Are "we" going to cause the chains to rust? It sounds funny. "When the chains that hold us rust away" or something would make more sense, though I'm not sure that I like that wording much either. ;)

"the Papier-mh blocking my identity" Nice line! The "mache" part isn't showing up for some reason though? Weird... something to do with the accents probably. The "my" seems a bit strange considering that you've been talking about "we" for some time now.

"Cipher through the puzzles" As far as I'm aware, Cipher means to encode... to create puzzles not solve them. "Decipher the puzzles" is probably what you're going for.

"Fight my internal angel and demon to expose my external human." Love the line! I would consider breaking it though, as the length throws the flow of the stanza.

Let me prove to you my "freedom."
I will only be "me."
I am "free."

Again, it's back to I, me, and my. What happened to "we" taking charge, breaking chains, and becoming free?

Overall, I think this poem is a very good start. Some lines are gorgeous... they just need a bit of polish. As I said before, a little flair here and a little line tightening there would definitely improve the piece. If you decide to revise, I would be happy to read it again. :)

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497
497
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! :)

This is a simple little poem with nice word flow. I do have a few suggestions for you:

First, I think the "my path" is a bit odd in the first stanza. How could your future stray from your path? They are rather synonymous I would think. Changing "my" to something else... the, a, this... would make it a little less strange I think, but it may not sound as good. No solid suggestion for how to change it. Just thought I would mention that it seemed strange. If you did change it to "this", I would suggest changing the "on this path" line to "on the path" or something though.

"The average age, / the average height" This is super repetitive and a wee bit bulky. I would consider removing either both "The"s or the second "the". Generally, the repeat of "average" would drive me nuts, but I think it works pretty well here. Slightly different line length would look and sound less repetitive without changing the "average".

Similarly, the "My life continues" line sounds so similar to the beginning that it didn't make much of an impact on me. It was also somewhat unclear how/why you would write your own epitaph (though I like that part). If it was my poem, I think I would change "My" to "If". It would make the next 3 lines seem logical and also sound less like a repeat of what came before it.

On a side note, I would remove the commas after "veering" and "continues". Grammatically, they are not needed, so they serve as pauses. The pauses make the lines sound choppier than they need to be. :)

Overall, I think this is a pretty good poem. Some minor editing could improve it, but it's really up to you whether or not you want to make any changes. It's pretty good as it is now.

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498
498
Review of Last Time  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This poem is about a strong, powerful sort of moment-- the moment when someone decides to move on and not be hurt again. Unfortunately, the conversational tone does not lend the poem much power. It just sounds like someone talking to a friend to me. It could use some polish I think.

"I thought you should know, / not that you care anyway" These lines are passive aggressive and a perfect example of the conversational tone. I can hear a teenager saying these words on the phone with a friend. It doesn't draw emotion from the reader, and I think that it is important for the opening of a poem to really draw people in. Making the beginning passive aggressive could be good, but I would try to make it really pitiful, whiny, sad... something!

A few minor oddities:

"You broke my heart tonight...
I thought you should know,
not that you care anyway
Just a day like any other."

You mention "tonight", but then it is just like any other "day". Seemed a wee bit strange to me.

"No more tears for you,
No more wasted years,
No more holding my head down"

The repetition of "no more" is alright, but this is an opportunity to really build some power and emotion. The term "no more" is something a person would say if they were being tortured... it has a begging quality to it. Like, "'Please, no more,' he whimpered as the massive fist slammed down once more." See what I mean?

Build those emotions up for each line. Here's an example:

"No more tears for you" and then moved on to something more forceful (e.g. "I refuse to waste more years" or something), and then ended with speaking directly to him (maybe something like "You will never _______" or "I never will hold my head down again"). The build up would perfectly frame the end of the poem, which is by far the best part of the poem. It is the only place where I personally felt anything when reading it.

Overall, I like the message in this poem, and I think that you are off to a great start! With some effort, I believe this poem could be absolutely fantastic. If you decide to revise, I would love to read it again! :)

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499
499
Review of Fallen Angel  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a nice little poem. It has an effortless quality to it with no forces rhymes and a nice even flow. The ideas are pretty unique as well... an angel looking like the rest of us when she falls on her face. ;) It is not often that angels are personified with flaws. Clever.

I do think that I would consider cutting this stanza completely:

You can’t go on denying
That nothing has gone wrong
She knows that you’re just lying
And she’ll just keep moving along

First, it is the only place in the poem that speaks to the reader, which is awkward. Second, the tone seemed different in this stanza than in the rest of the poem. In all the other stanzas, she still seemed like a naive, pure sort of being. In this stanza, she knows you're lying. Third, 'keep moving along' to what? Why would anyone deny that she messed up? Altogether, I think that this stanza is the weakest link and serves no real purpose in the poem that I can see.

Otherwise, this is a lovely little piece right down to the smooth last lines. It's nice to read a poem that isn't pretentious and has a simple, clean feel to it now and then. :)

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500
500
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
hehehe... Cute story. ;)

It is rather matter-of-fact, which adds to the feeling early on that this girl is a sociopath or something. It has that callous sort of tone to it, which seems very fitting to me. Unfortunately, it also makes the writing a bit bland. The structure, wording, and so forth are all on the boring side. It is light on both detail and description, but it is a nice trade-off I guess.

The ending is pretty cute, but I think it may be more effective if you made the 'turn on the gas' part the very last thing. For example:

"When the kid gets cranky. I take her to the kitchen. The kid is always nice and quiet after I hold her head in the oven and turn on the gas." Now, this is far from a perfectly worded version of what you did... just an example of the order that I think would work best. Making the "take her to the kitchen" line its own sentence gives the reader time to think "Oh no!" and imagine blenders, knives, and all the other dangerous items in there. A wee bit of suspense. Saving the "gas" until the end just gives it more punch I think.

This is pretty short, sweet, and to-the-point. I do love short fiction, and overall, this was an enjoyable read. :)

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