*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cinnamonfringe/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/24
Review Requests: OFF
1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 20 21 22 23 -24- 25 ... Next
576
576
Review of Woebegone Dreams  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love this poem! I think the imagery is fantastic and it seems sort of sleepy and peaceful to me. Poor junked Betsy. The way you describe the car makes me love it just like the father in the poem. At the first sight of the name Garrison Keillor, I debated just stopping though. I pretty much despise him. hehe ;)

Comments / Suggestions:

"My father's old Cadillac, 'Betsy', was an old champagne color," I think that the first few lines of a poem should be as strong as the last few. These lines are very strong, but the word "old" didn't seem very descriptive to me. Was the paint job old-- faded, rusted? Or was the color only used on old cars-- retired? Seems like there is a stronger word to use that would let the reader know precisely what you mean. Also, I was wondering if there was a specific reason for the word "Betsy" being the beginning of the second line instead of the last word of the first. To avoid starting a line with "was"? Just curious.

"My window in the back seat and / Close my eyes and listen to Keillor's / Crooner voice softly and gently take" I think that removing the second "and" and using "Close my eyes, listening" may sound better. The ands make it sound choppy compared to the rest of the stanza.

"But back then I would listen / And imagine moving and / Living there one day." This is another place where the "and/and" seems cumbersome. It isn't as distracting as the first one though. :)

I like the third stanza alot, but I noticed that it's the only one without a mention of Betsy in it. I don't know that it needs to be changed... just an observation.

The last two stanzas are really strong-- I adore them both! Let me toy with something for a moment though... " and / Overlooks the bay". The bay was never mentioned before, so it seems like a strange focus for the final line. Removing this and making the last line "On his mahogany desk" would be a solid move. However, mentioning Lake Woebegone again would be an interesting touch. It *is* a body of whatever, fictional or not. So...

What if it sits overlooking the bay... or as you'd like to think, overlooking Lake Woebegone? Just a thought that you can feel free to ignore. :)

Overall, I think this is a very good piece. I hope you decide to share more of your work here on WDC! :)

*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item"  *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
577
577
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Wow... great title! It caught my eye and I just had to give this item a peek. ;) I have some comments and suggestions for you:

First, the line "One labor, one birth, one baby made me a mother" is very strong. It is actually much stronger than the first line in the piece. The "I made a big mistake that day" could pique someone's interest, but the "I knew enough to know everything there was to know" is a bit redundant sounding. I wonder if there is a way to get the same thought across without the "knew/know/know".

I like the capitalization and personification of ideas. It's especially effective here: "Help was at my door. She grabbed my bag, gripped my arm and stuffed me in her car."

I wonder if perhaps the final line (which I do love, as mentioned before) would be more effective if you mentioned Maddie earlier. Maybe "Later, one doctor said Maddie save her own life" or something? It would confirm who Maddie is and allow the last line to focus on the angel who saved the day. On a side note, I think that capitalizing "Angel" is sort of weird. The other words that you emphasized with capitalization (serendipity, fate, help, etc) are not generally regarded as people. Angels usually are people, or at least an entity.

This is an interesting piece. I enjoyed reading it and thought that some parts were quite clever. I think it would be much easier to read if it wasn't one solid block of text. Maybe creating a few paragraphs (one for the intro, one for when help arrives, and a final to explain the aftermath?) or breaking the lines like poetry would make it easier to get through. :) With a bit of editing, I think this piece could be very strong. Well done!

*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item"  *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
578
578
Review of Parasol of Pain  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
You have some really nice lines in this piece! I do have some comments and feedback for you though:

The first stanza could be a bit stronger I think. I LOVE the first line-- it's fantastic. The second line doesn't seem to add much to this poem though. It just seems like a strange and heavy line to have so early in the piece. By comparison, "The red twist down my arm" is beautiful imagery and doesn't feel like you're beating the reader over the head with the idea. ;)

The last stanza is very strong in meaning. I love the last line in particular. The last and second stanzas are the most emotional and best written I think. The first two lines of the second stanza are quite strong (and again, I LOVE that "red twist" line).

The third stanza for me seems familiar somehow-- screaming without a sound is pretty common, especially in horror writing. It is a bit cliche I suppose. The "I fall to the ground" isn't a terribly strong line either. Perhaps there is another way to say it? There are plenty of synonyms for "fall" and "ground" (if you decide to change the "sound" line). I do like that you mention the parasol again in this line though-- keeps it fresh in the reader's mind.

Overall, I really like parts of this poem. I love the parasol (great sounding word, great image)! I think that, with a bit of revision, this could be a strong poem. If you decide to make changes, I would be happy to reread it and change my rating. :)

*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item"  *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
579
579
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (2.5)
I like what you're saying with this piece, and you have some really nice phrasing throughout. A few comments and suggestions:

Adding short line breaks (like one for each phrase) would be extremely helpful for the reader. I think that breaking up these enormous blocks of text would be a fantastic idea too. It's physically hard to read as it is-- hard on the eyes.

The piece needs a thorough grammar edit as well, though i wont get into detail about that. ;)

I like this line: "The desire, takes a pendulum swing, between its two extremes, never finding the required equilibrium." I like what it says, though it could be a little bit smoother to read. "takes a pendulum swing" is a bit awkward because of your use of "take". It could actually mean that desire stole the swing from a pendulum. ;) I would try to find another verb to use there. Grammatically, there doesn't need to be a comma between desire and takes OR swing and between... line breaks would be so much better to show pauses (and easier to read!):

The desire
takes a pendulum swing
between two extremes,
never finding the required equilibrium.

I like the last few lines too... a good way to wrap up this piece that talks about a struggle. :) A quick fix here though: "I won`t let my hope die a cowardice death." "Cowardice" is used here to modify death (it is describing the type of death), but cowardice is not a descriptive term... it's a noun. You mean "cowardly death". Like I said, the piece needs a thorough edit... there are lots of strange word choices like this throughout. Using "dither" (meaning indecisive) instead of "differ" in this line is another example: "The unknown, that can only be fantasized, keeps haunting the soul, dithering it from realities"

Overall, I really like some of the ideas and word choices! With some editing and format changes, it could be a pretty strong piece. :)

*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item"  *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
580
580
Review of Calm  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting piece. It reminds me of my childhood actually-- I used to play make-believe under an ash tree, and the tree's shadow was a doctor, or a teacher, or someone else in my world. ;) I love it when poetry and microfiction remind me of something personal, even if it isn't quite the same. I can understand Calm being a shadow or a tree or the feeling you get when looking at it. Very nice idea.

I have a few suggestions and comments for you:

First a quick fix: There are two "the"s here-- "Eventually the the guy"

It is a tiny bit odd that "Calm was a tree" in one line, and then in the next line it was unclear whether or not it was the tree itself. Maybe adding something to the "Calm was a tree" line to indicate the possibility of it being something else? Like a "I think." or "Or is it?"

Just calling the person who took you there "the guy" seemed sort of casual for the weighty topic you're writing about. Maybe you could be a bit more specific about who this mystery guy is.

I think that since Calm is basically a character here, the word should be capitalized. Strong ideas are often capitalized in poetry anyway, so it could serve a sort of double purpose.

Overall, I think this is a cool concept and that you executed it well. A few tweaks may help with clarity, but I think you really did an excellent job with it! Well done!

*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item"  *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
581
581
Review of The Red Knight  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Awesome imagery! The story, though a bit gruesome, makes me smile-- though I'll explain why later. :) I very much enjoyed it, but I do have some comments and suggestions for you:

Great first line! Really makes the reader wonder what is happening and want to read more.

"It didn't care what it's was being used for it just sat there, perched atop the candle burning." A few things about this line... first, it took me about 10 reads to figure out why this says "candle burning" instead of "burning candle". I would consider changing "burning" to a synonym that is not used so commonly with the word "candle".

Second, 'it didn't care what it was being used for' and 'it just sat there..." are two sentences combined with no puncuation. What you have now is a run-on.

Third, "It didn't care what it's was being used for" The phrase "was being used" is passive voice and awkward to say. That three word phrase means simply "uses"-- so if there is a way to rewrite the sentence to remove the passive voice, it would be a good idea. The "it's" also doesn't need the apostrophe & s. Considering that this sentence (separated from the next sentenced) ends in "for", I would probably rewrite the entire sentence. Ending with a preposition is awkward as well.

"I would finally give in to the compulsion to kill" The "would finally give" is a split infinitive. I figured I should point out some of these VERY common grammar issues so that you can watch for them in the future-- sorry if it's boring. ;) The verb here is "would give", and "finally" is modifying the verb so it shouldn't be in the middle. "finally would give" is grammatically correct.

"I had expected to be choked by the fumes" There is a simpler option than "to be choked". Why not "I had expected to choke on the fumes"? It cuts down on the bulkiness and means the same thing. :)

The ending is strong, but I might make one change. " light and brilliant hues of orange, red and white dancing across the blue black darkness of the basement walls. Then... Blackness." The "blue black darkness" makes this read like one long list of colors, and the mention of black also takes away from the impact of "Then... Blackness". I think I would just remove "blue black" and leave it at "darkness" or maybe "shadowy darkness" or something that isn't a color.

Now for why this makes me smile:

The story itself is pretty awesome. It reminds me so strongly of Robert R. McCammon's short story 'Pin' that i have to ask... have you read the story before? It seems almost like an homage to that story (one of my favorites of his). :) The gasoline line is also reminiscent of the opening line in another story from the same collection. The line is: "Johnny James was sitting on the front porch, sipping from a glass of gasoline in the December heat, when the doom-screamer came." They both use gasoline in a rather unexpected way. I love McCammon, so these are really compliments. ;) Well done!

*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item"  *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
582
582
Review of Fragment  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (2.0)
I like some aspects of this poem, but I do have some comments and suggestions for you:

This poem is only 30 words long, and 4 of them are "just". I think that is probably a bit more than you need. The repetition of "just" at the end is a bit jarring. The line would probably be more powerful if you just took out the justs: "Because I'm just... a fragment, another unimportant part of it". It sounds much smoother if read aloud. :)

Also, I might as well mention that at a glance, the only words that stand out are" make-believe, world, adventure, fragment, and unimportant. Just 5 words that are not extremely common, everyday words. You may want to think about how many high-impact words you want to have in this piece and place them to their best advantage (the first three are all together in the beginning, and there are two lines in the middle without any).

Now for some feedback that you may not be expecting at all but I really want to say:

The first line actually reminded me of a No Doubt song from the 90's. It's called "Just a Girl", and it says "I'm just a girl" over and over. Just curious if you had heard it before-- there are some songs that I would rather not sound like and others that I probably wouldn't mind.

Along the same lines, the second line also reminds me of a 90's song by Aqua... "I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world" is the specific line. The sound of your first two lines is fairly similar, as is the meaning I guess. Again, just pointing it out because you may not like the similarity.

Overall, I think the poem needs some work, but the idea behind it is nice. It could be a really solid with some editing. I particularly like the last 4 lines (without the two extra "justs" and a period at the end anyway). If you decide to revise, I would be happy to reread and rate it again. :)

*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item"  *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
583
583
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
hehehe... This is an amusing poem! :) I like what you have to say, and it has some great lines. I do have some suggestions for you though:

First, there is only one straight rhyme here (out and about). So... since it doesn't need to rhyme, you could make the "People try to get me out" into something a bit more interesting sounding. The words "get" and "out" aren't very flashy. "Outside" is a bit cooler sounding and looking than "out", and there are lots of synonyms for "to get" as you use it. Maybe they try to "drag me outside" or "lure me outside". Lure might be particularly nice considering the lines before it. ;)

Similarly, "my place" in the first line could be a bit more interesting. Lots of synonyms-- my lair, house, flat, apartment, den, etc.

In general, I think that some more creative word choices could make this poem 'pop'! The "I'm sitting here", for another example, could be a bit different-- I'm lounging here. I'm glued here. I'm hunched here.... something.

I think you should add some punctuation in here too-- particularly so that the "Am I wasting all my days?" can have a question mark. It looks rather naked without it. Periods for the sentences and a question mark for the question could help with clarity as well.

In general, I think this is a cute and funny little poem! Some stronger word choices here and there could give it even more attitude. :) If you decide to revise it, let me know. I'd love to reread it!

*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item"  *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
584
584
Review of The Window  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (2.5)
This poem has some really nice lines, and the story is rather tragic. Poetry tends to be a bit more personal than some other writing forms, so you can take or leave my comments and suggestions. ;)

The opening line had me hooked at "sorry-looking lady" (which should be hyphenated, by the way), but lost me at the "bay window by the door". It just sounds bulky and strange when read aloud. Before I knew this what rhyming poetry, I thought that "by the door" was a weird detail to add also. Somehow, I think it would be more emotional if she was sitting on the floor, which also rhymes.

The next line is one of the strongest in the poem I think. It is a nice image.

"Damn him for coming out and asking her to be his wife" The 'coming out and asking' is another bulky sort of phrase that seems to just be sort of filler for the line-- making it flow with those before and after, but not very strong. The simplest way to say the entire phrase is 'asking'. If there is another way to make the line longer, I would suggest tweaking it.

"When he came along walking straight on into fate" Same thing here. "came along walking" is a bit redundant. To "come along" means "to walk". ;) And the "on into" is awkward-- two prepositions in a row always sounds and looks a bit strange.

"At first she called him scum, he thought she was the best / His breath had smelt of rum, he said she was prettier than the rest" Thinking that he was scum is rather strong, but these two lines could have major impact if they flowed together better. "he said she was prettier" is really awkward when reading aloud. If you break the first line into two sentences (At first she called him scum. He thought she was the best.), then you could break the next line into two sentences and everyone would understand inherently that it was a his & hers POV. Try reading this aloud:

At first she called him scum. He thought she was the best.
His breath had smelt of rum. She was prettier than the rest.

Thoughts? Even visually, the lines really look like the go together, and to me, they sound much cleaner. :)

"his ashes spread about that lake" Just a personal opinion here, but I think "the lake" would have more impact here. They met at THE lake, and he is still there.

"Causing her to forever live with a heart in mourn to cry" For a final line, this isn't that strong. It is a bit awkward after the previous line (perhaps because it has quite a few more syllables!). "in mourn to cry" is sort of a strange phrase in and of itself. Removing the word "forever" helps significantly with the flow by removing 3 syllables, but I don't know how you would go about changing the "mourn to cry" phrase.

Overall, I think the story told is quite nice. A lovesick and rather bitter woman reminiscing about the past-- it's a good idea. I think that some tightening and some tweaks would make it a very strong poem. If you decide to revise, I'd love to read it again! :)

*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item"  *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
585
585
Review of Lady in Sepia  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Is it just me, or are you in the process of editing this one? "[whatever, use a thesaurus]" ;)

Again, your style is pretty much exactly what mine used to be (I don't write poetry all that much anymore). Don't get disheartened if people don't understand this style. I've had to explain it to many people on here before they understood the emphasis, line breaks, and so forth. I adore it!

That said, I like this poem as well. The title is gorgeous, and the poem is what I expected of a piece titled "Lady in Sepia". I love where you're going with the entire poem. There are some very nice word choices throughout (and I would love to see it once you have it exactly how you want it to be).

The end is incredibly strong, particularly the last line. Attics are the universal place to stick something to be forgotten, so the poem itself comes full-circle from the first to last line.

I love what you've done with this piece so far. If you want to talk it over with someone, shoot me an email. :)

*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item"  through "Invalid Item"  *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
586
586
Review of Forgotten Aria  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like your poem! The style is very similar to the way I wrote many years ago. Placing important words (i.e. vestiges and fingers) as the first word of the new line and leaving the less important words (as and but) dangling after the comma-- I quite like the style. That's why I did it myself for so long. ;)

The first two lines are lovely. The word "lingers" really emphasizes the haunting aspect of the song, and what can I say? I love the word vestiges. It has a nice ring to it.

I can appreciate what you're saying in the last two lines, but somehow the final line seems bulky to me. It is longer than the others and kinda trips the tongue when read aloud, which is a definite departure from the easy flow of the rest. I have know idea what you could do to change it without altering the meaning though.

Overall, I like this poem more than most that I have read on here lately. It is in a style that I enjoy and appreciate, and the message is a lovely one, though it is one that I've heard before. Well done! :)

*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item"  through "Invalid Item"  *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
587
587
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Wow! Something I never thought I'd say but... I feel like I really got to know your ferret's personality through this poem! :D

I think the most obvious way to write a poem about a pet is to write your own feelings about the pet, and while you did that, I think it is amazing how much you really focused on Sienna. It really tells her story-- a biography of sorts.

My favorite lines are: "A biter, a digger / An eater of toys" It really illustrates her feisty nature. :)

Lots of people have issues with poetry being "too rhyming". I tend to prefer non-rhyming poetry, but you did well with your rhymes for the most part. The only one I would really consider changing is the life/strife rhyme. It is a very common rhyme that detracts a bit from the poem.

This was a very good effort though, and it's a great pet memorial! Well done!

*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item"  through "Invalid Item"  *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
588
588
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Fantastic changes! The language used for Randy now that's he's two is adorable! His parents' surprise that he named the bubble is clever.

And wow... the ending is beautiful now. They seem very caring, and the fact that they want him to remember the experience seems gentler now. Lovely!

I think the changes made a big difference. "Slowly, Max circled, sank, and burst impressively on a lamp post." This line following directly after the naming of the bubble is far more poignant than the first 'death scene'. Fantastic how you linked the two! I actually got goosebumps, and considering that I had a feeling what you were going to change, that is amazing!

This is definitely a fine piece of flash fiction! If you come up with any more, I would love to read them. Shoot me an email! :D

*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item"  through "Invalid Item"  *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
589
589
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This has some of the elements that I love in good flash fiction, including nice imagery and at least one strong character. It's pretty well done, but I do have some suggestions and comments for you.

First, the ending is predictable and was, therefore, a bit of a let down after the bubble's rather long journey. Possibly referring to it as the child's first pet was a bit strong. It tells the reader immediately that there will be tears in the end. If the child was simply in awe at first and decided to name the bubble Max just before it floated way too high to reach, it wouldn't lead the reader to the conclusion so quickly. It would change your piece from a clever story to a pretty story with a clever and sad twist. Both can be effective-- I just thought I'd mention my thoughts.

Second, the path of the bubble felt somehow repetitive. It went up. It went down. It went up. It went down. There was very little of the wind suddenly gusting it to the right or left or causing it to dip momentarily. I know it is possible to write about it's path without ever saying "up" or "down"... in a piece so short, more than once for each is probably overkill. By the time Max dies, it's the fourth time we've seen the word up and the second time we've seen the word down, which minimizes the impact of Max finally popping. I love that the bubble is going through a real journey, but some more variation would be nice.

You did a really nice job on some of the movement, by the way. "where it almost settled on a swing but decided against it", for instance, is awesome!

Finally, the last lines seem a bit strange to me. I have a child who is 4 years old, and I wouldn't say to him, "sorry, but that's life! Remember this!" It just seems... weird. The final "Just remember this" seems particularly awkward to me. Softer language-- something that sounds a bit less snarky-- would have more impact on me personally. It might soften it just to have the parents say aloud "Aw, we're sorry" and then think to themselves "but that's life. I hope he remembers this". Also, I would imagine that most 4 year olds have seen bubbles before. I think the story would make more sense in that regard if the child was younger-- maybe two with language a bit more broken. It would add to the emotional journey of the reader too because he'd be so little that we know he really hasn't experienced any form of loss before.

Overall, I adore the concept! It's a great idea and you have some beautiful word choices in the story. A few tweaks here and there, and this could definitely be a perfect piece of flash fiction! I really enjoyed reading your work and would love to reread it if you decide to revise! :)

*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item"  through "Invalid Item"  *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
590
590
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (4.0)
A pretty good story you have here! The pacing was great. It started off a bit sleepy (perfect for a girl lounging against a tree) and steadily increased. You had some moments of beautiful wording. Some very nice details here and there as well (e.g. "Fae saw his mouth move, slightly out of sync with his voice"). The plot itself is classic as well. I have a few suggestions/comments for you though.

First, I knew Bucky was a "bad" character very early, so the twist was lost on me. Possibly I read too much horror, but it may not just be me. At the first mention of the other ghosts staying away when she was with him, I wondered if he might be the worst of them. No matter what they wanted from the girl, this ghost was more powerful or something. When the other ghosts got frantic, I was absolutely sure of it. The sad, resigned phase only reinforced this. So the end was a bit obvious.

The familiar face at the end was not what I was expecting. Correct me if I'm wrong... but this was her stepfather, right? If so, coming out and saying that it was him would make the ending stronger I think.

A couple small quick fixes: "Now lost treasure was [a] certain thing." (missing the "a"). And "Their gesturing ceased, and they blinked out of the sunlight one at a time" ...This line confused me a bit. I had to reread it a few times before I figured out what you meant. Squinting or blinking in the sunshine is pretty common... and I couldn't figure out why they were blinking "out" of the sun instead of "in" the sun or why they were taking turns. ;) I understand now that "blinking out" meant disappearing one at a time... it just took a while. Any line that I stumble over is a line I tend to point out. There are surely some good synonyms for "blinking out" that couldn't possibly confuse anyone... I think I'd change it.

I know that this was a piece written quickly for the writer's cramp, which just emphasizes what a wonderful job you did on it. If you ever edit, I'd love to reread it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
591
591
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (4.0)
55-word short stories can be difficult to write, but you did a good job packing a very complete story in the allowed word count. The final line is particularly poignant, as it should be for this type of story. A few comments though:

The person has doubts, but refuses to cower in the river's presence. I like this defiance, but there was no concrete moment for me when the doubt left and the decision to leap became final. That moment possibly could be the intake of breath, but with a line between the two, it didn't immediately strike me that way. Speaking of those lines, "I refused to coward"-- coward is a noun. I believe the word you're looking for there is "to cower", which is a verb that means to show cowardice... cringe in fear.

Also, the last breath would be more imminent if it was taken just before hitting the water rather than before the leap, but that is just nitpicking. ;)

Overall, this is a well-written piece. I adore 55-word stories, and as I said before, you did a nice job of it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
592
592
Review of The Forecast  
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really like some aspects of this poem, but I do have some feedback for you. Poetry can be very personal, so I hope you take no offense to my suggestions.

The rhythm is interesting for a piece having to do with heartbeats, though there are a few things that could make the rhythm stronger. "Movement./With out and within." nearly mirrors "Rhythm./Tic. Toc."-- but not quite. The with out and within line may be stronger as: "Without. Within."

Not only would the rhythm from that line better mirror the intro lines, but the strength of the opposites mirrors the "Tic. Toc." line as well.

Similarly, removing the second "Rhythm" line could help the rhythm of the poem. Two short lines with a longer line. Two more short lines with a longer line. And then a final line. In addition to possibly helping the rhythm, it would create a nice visual flow.

A final note: "Two hearts in unison - as he discovers you from the other side/of the screen on the ultrasound". The "of the screen on the ultrasound" seems kinda wordy. Why not just "of the ultrasound screen"? I tend to think that less prepositions = better, but that may just be a personal preference.

Overall, I think this is a pretty solid poem. It was a pleasure reading it, and if you decide to edit any of it, I'd love to read it again. :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
593
593
Review of The Perfect Mate  
Review by Cinn
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Interesting idea! The writing could be smoother in places though. The beginning is dialogue heavy, which is fine, but the abrupt change to no dialogue at all was a bit jarring. The paragraphs at the end seemed more like the type of personal notes that a writer jots down to get the concept of the story on paper before writing the story itself. I guess they didn't seem very integrated.

The first two non-dialogue paragraphs made me feel as though I was reading an advertisement for the Perfect Mate, which would be an interesting way to use them. Maybe someone hears that pitch on the radio as they look over their own Perfect Mate... it would be an interesting way to break up the long dialogue and non-dialogue sections.

"There were fewer and fewer marriages, and the online dating sites all went under."
Compared to the other weighty observations at the end, the failure of dating sites seems a bit trivial and out of place. I guess most people would think of marriages becoming a thing of the past as more important than dating sites disappearing. By separating it from the marriage half of the sentence and carefully placing it in your list of effects, it may have a more comic effect and seem more fitting.

Finally, I think the end is interesting, but a bit too extreme from a scifi perspective. Would humanity allow itself to die out because they no longer wanted marriage or children? They have the ability to create Perfect Mates... why not Perfect Parents to take care of children created through non-traditional means? I also thought it was interesting that there was no mention of the benefits of the birth-rate tapering off-- surely that would be a good thing to some extent. Perhaps they loved the benefits so much that the slackening birthrate went unnoticed until too late? Something to make the end more realistic would be good. Why did humanity allow itself to end simply because they didn't want human romance?

Overall, I think this is an interesting story that could be very good with some editing. Smoothing out the dialogue transitions would be an improvement (it was a bit confusing when the Reyna section changed to the Arien section since there was no warning). Blending the dialogue with some non-dialogue details would make the flow a bit better. I also think that tweaking the last few paragraphs so that it seems more like you're telling a story than reading notes about a story would be fantastic. If you edit this piece, I would love to reread it! You have a good start for a poignant short story here!
594
594
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is another fantastic poem! The imagery is just right, and the message is so sweet! I'm wish I had more gp for another awardicon for you!

I'm going to attempt to pick out some phrases that I really like, but the entire poem is worded in such a way that I thoroughly enjoyed it all. The opening two lines are lovely, as are the final two. It's great that you began and ended on such a strong note! 'Soft velveteen bees' is my favorite bit of imagery. 'Velveteen' is a great word, and as a child I used to get stung by bees all the time because I'd pet them. Bees were soft and I liked soft things I guess. ;)

I also really love the title of this poem. I can't believe I didn't see this one before! I almost wonder if it's new because I'm sure I'd have noticed it when I dug through your port a week ago.

The lack of punctuation is a good move for this poem too. I've written some without punctuation myself. In this case, some of the lines flow into one another beautifully! It also adds to the dreamy feeling that this poem gave me.

I'm going to have to snoop through your port more carefully. So far, you're the only poet who has managed two 5.0 ratings out of me. Let alone two in a row! Keep up the good work!
595
595
Review of The Reason  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a pretty sweet little poem! The grammar is a bit rough, but some of the lines are very nice. :)

The first two lines are my favorites. The use of the word 'Flashes' is really effective because those two lines are so short. Very nice! The semi-colon isn't used correctly though. "Flashes of memory, pieces of my past' is not a complete sentence. A semi-colon links together two complete sentences without a conjunction (and, or, but etc). It would work fine as a sentence fragment, but you should probably change the semi-colon to a period if you want it to be a fragment. Just replacing the semi-colon with a comma is what I'd probably do.

The second stanza is four sentences held together with commas and a semi-colon. There are a few ways to fix it. The easiest would be to put a period after 'This is what I was born for' and another period after 'every step to take'. The last line 'God in me, did strength give' is a complete sentence too ('God' and 'did give' being the subject and predicate), but there should be a comma after 'God' too. Since I'm on the subject, that line isn't very strong. I don't mean to offend you, but it looks like you really twisted the sentence to make the rhyme fit. It's so twisted that it barely made sense at all until I'd read it three times. I would strongly suggest rewriting that one. Something like 'Strength was God's gift to give' or something would be far less awkward. I bet you can come up with something great! :)

The line before that, 'The reason for every step to take', might have more impact if the 'to' was replaced with 'I'. 'The reason for every step I take'. But that's entirely up to personal taste.

The third stanza has the same problem the first did. The semi-colon isn't used correctly. 'One little smile, a tiny sparkle in the eye' is not a complete sentence. I'd recommend just replacing the semi-colon with a period in this case. Make it a sentence fragment. There should be a comma after 'When u have put that on someone's face'. While I'm at it, someone is one word not two. 'That' should also be 'those' or 'these' because it refers to two separate things (smile and sparkle in an eye). I don't know if you intended to use 'u' instead of 'you', but it would look more professional if you changed it to the correct spelling.

The last stanza is good! It ties this poem together nicely, and it helps this piece end on a really positive note. I don't understand the 'Helps yourself to build' line though. I don't really know what that means. It should certainly be 'Help yourself build' or 'Helps you build'. 'Helps yourself' isn't grammatically correct, which is likely why I don't know quite which you meant by it.

Overall, I think this is a nice poem that needs a bit of work. The first and last stanzas are pretty strong, and the second and third aren't too bad either! If you edit this at all, I'd be happy to come review it again with a higher rating. Good effort! :)
596
596
Review of My Pharaoh  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! This is the best poem I've read for quite a while. The phrases you use are beautiful! The imagery is really well done. The message is unlike any love poem I've ever read. Very original, and very well done!

I love the first two stanzas, but in all fairness, I love them all! I'm very impressed. I'm still in awe that you rhymed Isis so well! ;)

Honestly, I can't think of a single suggestion or change to this poem. I didn't really read it for grammar, but nothing stood out to me. Overall, this is just a fantastic poem and well deserving of the first awardicon I've ever given.
597
597
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a really nice poem! The imagery is good, and I really enjoyed reading it. I'd like to make some suggestions though. :)

You use the word "My" twice in the first stanza. Coupled with the title being "The place in my head", I found it somewhat redundant. I would consider changing "My hands brush against the long grass" to 'hands brushing against the long grass'. The first half of the sentence already starts with 'I', so we know whose hands they are. Also the first stanza is three sentences with no periods. 'I step through [...] long grass.' That is one complete sentence. 'The wind blows' and 'I sit and take' are also complete sentences! I would probably change it into two sentences if it were my poem. I'd tweak the 'wind blows' line a bit so that the third and fourth lines read 'Wind blowing softly through my hair, I sit and take a deep breath'. Removing miscellaneous articles (like the 'The' in this case) is always good if it improves the flow. I think it would flow better and have the added benefit of be grammatically correct.

Right now the second stanza is one long sentence. I think that the 'sun is setting' could be changed to 'The setting sun', because that flows better with the rest of the sentence which is actually 'The setting sun cleanses my mind' vs 'The sun is setting cleanses my mind'. I believe though that it would also be easy to change the comma after 'The sun is setting' to a period and be left with two sentences. 'Alone with my thoughts, away from everything, the sun is setting. The last track of warmth cleanses my mind'. Note the absence of a comma after warmth. It doesn't need one if you break it into two sentences. :)

Let me preface this by saying that adding a period to these lines is actually making them into fragments! I just felt that the last stanza might have a bit more punch if any of these lines were a statement by itself, like this:


I sit here in peace.
No cars.
No shouting.
Away from the chaos of the urban streets.
This is the place in my head,
The place where I gain my inner peace.


As it is right now, this stanza seems sort of a mess to me. You really need a period after 'urban streets'. This turns the sentence into 'I sit here in piece, away from the chaos of the urban streets.' Of course you should keep 'no cars/shouting', but I was just illustrating how it would read as a sentence if you removed all but the prepositional phrases, subject and predicate. The final sentence would then be 'This is the place in my head, the place where I gain my inner peace'. All together easier to read than the way it is now- two sentences held together by commas. Those sentences being 'I sit' and 'This is' (subject and predicate- these are complete sentences and make the stanza a run-on).

I think the 'Cleanses my mind' line is fine as is, but I think in 'the place where I gain my inner peace' the 'my' is redundant again. It may be a stronger line as just 'the place where I gain inner peace'. I mean, you're not gaining someone else's inner peace now are you? ;)

Overall I think this is a good effort! I never really give review with lots of grammar fixes, but this poem seemed to need a bit of the boring grammar stuff. There wasn't much else to be said! It's just a good solid piece. Well done!
598
598
Review of My Love  
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem quite a bit. Your word usage is very good. There are only a few suggestions I can make.

First, I think your use of the etc (...) detracts from this piece. I think it would have more impact with just a period in the second and third uses. For the first use I think it would more powerful with the etc removed and nothing added in its place.

"But it’s there, right there" I think there should be a comma after that second 'there'.

That's all the suggestions I can make. It's a nearly flawless piece! Well done and write on!

This review was done as a task for:
AUTHORS' SPOTLIGHT - Season 6  (18+)
A 15 - day challenge to WDC authors and writers.
#1349008 by 30DBC Creator/Founder
599
599
Review by Cinn
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This is an interesting piece. I'm curious to see how the story goes and hear about the things Alex actually does. Sociopaths make really interesting characters.


First, some things I like:

I got a very strong feeling of who the narrator is. There is no description of her, but her thoughts speak volumes.

I like that Alex is at this point a complete enigma.

"Loving her comes easy; liking her is often a chore." I really like this line, though I think it would be more effective if the emphasis was on 'liking' rather than 'chore'.

Alex hating "deeply and completely" is a really good description.

I think the last line carries quite a bit of impact.


Some suggestions:

"But through the last fourteen years, sometimes I swear I can hear Satan laughing softly in my ear." Personal preference, but I think "But over the last fourteen years" sounds nicer. ;)

"She was a tiny, withdrawn five-year-old with the biggest eyes I’d ever seen when Alex came into my life." I think this is a good line, but when I first read it I was left wondering if Alex was the she you referred to at the beginning. Alex could be a boy's name too. So at first I read it as you met a man named Alex and his daughter was 5 at the time. To clarify, switching the Alex and 'she' would be good. "Alex was tiny [...] she came into my life."

"She was a tiny, withdrawn five-year-old with the biggest eyes I’d ever seen when Alex came into my life. It wasn’t something I was consciously searching for, but perhaps I was looking for something to fill that hole in my life." I find this to be a stronger paragraph than the one you opened with. I normally would've read the first paragraph about God and Satan laughing in ears and quit then and there. I don't feel that it would be interesting enough for me to continue, and it doesn't seem to accurately represent what the story is really about- a mother's love/hate relationship with her sociopathic daughter. If these two paragraphs were switched I think it would flow very nicely. The woman has a hole in her life and the little girl filled it. Then the 'Would I go back and change things if I could?" line and those after carry more impact. I think switching these two paragraphs would just make the piece flow so much better.

"What scares me is lately I don’t even feel guilty about these thoughts." There are quite a few places where I think a 'that' could make things flow better, but this is the only one that I found jarring. "What scares me is lately" just sounds so much like someone chatting with friends rather than prose. If it's a stylistic choice, that's fine. I just wouldn't be doing a very good job reviewing if I didn't tell you what things distracted me from the story.

There are a great deal of short choppy sentences here. Of course, It could be a stylistic choice, but there are only 2 compound sentences in the last three paragraphs! I think that's a bit extreme, and I found it to be very distracting. One of the two compounds is actually a run-on sentence ("Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and she’ll just be gone, and the nightmare will be over." - 3 sentences - I will wake. She will be. Nightmare will be.) Much of the choppiness could be easily resolved. For example: "I think horrid thoughts. Things parents shouldn’t think." 'Things parents shouldn't think' is not a complete sentence. "I think horrid thoughts, things parents shouldn't think" is a complete sentence. Though it might read better as "ones [that?] parents shouldn't think". - I had the most trouble with the second to last paragraph. So many of those sentences are almost identical in length that it really detracted from what they were actually saying, for me anyway. If this is just your style, by all means continue. I just thought I'd mention it.

"She doesn’t do drugs or hang out in bars." I don't really understand why bars is emphasized. Bars are legal, drugs are often illegal. I know that a bar is off limits for a child in the US and elsewhere, but as of now we don't really know how old Alex is, or even what country this takes place in. It seems that drugs would be worse than bars, but for that matter it seems that 'doesn't' would be the word to emphasize to me. I just found it odd that bars are the least concerning to me out of your examples (promiscuity, drugs, jail), and yet that's the one that's bolded.


Overall, I think this is an interesting piece. It's not in a style I enjoy reading or find to be effective. I do hope that you aren't offended by this, but I feel a 3.0 is a perfect rating for this piece. It has great potential, but I find it to be rather average. Good luck with your future edits, and keep writing!
600
600
Review by Cinn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is the most interesting contest that I've found so far on WDC. It seems to be fairly unique, and I'd love to participate if there is still a space for me! Having the judges be former winners is a very nice touch.
601 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 25 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cinnamonfringe/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/24