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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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526
526
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I think this is a really interesting poem, and you have some lovely lines.

"Barely more than wire hangers / For their dusty canvas coats" These are the best lines in the entire poem in my opinion. Amazing comparison, and the imagery was startlingly clear for me.

"But still so young to the eyes / Of the starving girl on the roadside" I like these lines. Especially the "starving girl". Seems strange that a "Girl" would think men looked so young. When I was just a girl, anyone more than a couple years older than me were OLD. hehe

"The sanguine crosses on their sleeves / The cold and the time are virulent thieves" These are strong lines, but they are also some of the only lines in the poem that flow well together, which brings me to my first suggestion/observation...

The flow in this poem is nearly non-existent at times. As lovely as the phrasing is, it sounds very jerky and halting when read aloud. I never got into a real rhythm, when reading it. For example:

The man in the middle holds his head
Screams resound in his frostbitten ears
Never will they leave
And never will there be a moment to grieve

Now, if you read these lines aloud, do they sound smooth to you? The rhyme helps the lines sound as though they go together, but to me, the flow is much more like a story than a poem. I love the "screams resound in his frostbitten ears" line-- beautifully written-- but the 'frostbitten' made me stumble every time I read it. The first line is so simple that the 3-syllable word just seems awkward somehow. Perhaps if you removed "his" from that line, it would make the flow a bit better. Regardless, I think tweaking would be a good idea here and throughout the poem.

A last note here... I think that the 6th stanza is far stronger than the last stanza. So it was a bit of a let down. I always look for strong opening and closing stanzas, and this didn't quite do it for me. Look at all of those amazing words you used in the last two lines of stanza 6... sanguine, crosses, sleeves, virulent, thieves... awesome words. Now look at the interesting words you used in the last stanza... canvas, rind, and maybe forth (all others are very common in the English language). See what I mean?

Overall, I think this is a really good start. Like I said, you have some nice phrasing and lines. The flow needs some work and I think that some parts (especially the ending) could use some more work. With some editing, I think the piece could be very strong. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read.

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527
527
Review of Reflection  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 18+
I think this could become a very strong piece with a bit of work. It's an issue that can be very emotionally charged, but I didn't feel much emotion coming from this piece. Perhaps instead of explaining how she felt, you could make us feel it too? For instance:

"Why did she feel so trapped and uncomfortable" Instead of telling us she feels that way, why not go for something like this: "She could feel the bands of pain tighten her chest" or "Shifting her body, the feeling of extra body parts against her leg made her skin crawl". Give us some kind of emotional connection to her. Make the reader feel a bit of that pain, discomfort, and confusion.

I think that some areas in this piece are worded in an awkward way.

"Why did she feel so trapped and uncomfortable by being the person she was and she knew very well who and what she was" That "by being the person" is really awkward. The "she feel" "she was", "she knew" and "she was" again are a bit too much for one sentence. Clarity flies out the window, and the lack of punctuation compounds the problem. In general, this piece really needs and thorough grammar edit, and I would strong recommend figuring out a way to remove the endless uses of "she" and "her".

This piece as 9 sentences, 13 uses of "she", and 6 uses of "her".

For just nine sentences, this is far too many pronouns. It makes each line sound a bit monotonous. Try using "the girl" or "the woman" or "the teenager" or anything to replace a few pronouns. I do this often myself-- use an unidentified person as main character. It can be difficult to change up the pronouns, but it helps alot!

Overall, I like where you're going with this. I think it could be a very emotionally charged piece with a little bit of work. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read. :)

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528
528
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
I presume that this is unfinished? Just thought I'd give you some feedback on what you have so far. :)

The grammar needs more work than the ideas you're expressing. Since this is so short, I'll try to run through some of the grammar issues for you.

"I always thought I was loved by my parents" The 'was loved" is passive voice. Though this isn't "wrong", sentences generally sound stronger in active voice. "I always though my parents loved me" is active-- the verb is now "loved" instead of "was loved". :)

Commas needed in the first line: "I always thought I was loved by my parents[,] but I guess when your a child[,] you don't really pay attention to how your parents treat you." Also, "but I guess when your"-- the "your" should be "you're". I think the meaning of the line is quite good, by the way.

"But as I got older[,] I seen how my parents treated me different from other sisters." This is a sentence fragment, but those work sometimes, so I'll let it go. For a complete sentence, you can just remove the "But". Note the comma needed after "older". Also, "I seen how" is a bit of a problem. The correct verb here is "saw"... "I saw", and replacing "how" with "that" will make the line far less conversational in tone (your decision).

"Till when I turned 9 years old and got told that Wayne[,] the only man I knew as a father[,] wasn[']t my father." This line is a bit confusing, but I'll try to figure it out. Someone told the character when she was nine that Wayne was not her father... right? The "Till" isn't needed unless you want that conversational tone (and it's 'Til not Till... Until = 'Til). The "I got told" should probably be "I was told", but it is passive voice like before... you could always let us know who told you. For instance, "When I was 9 years old, my mother told me that Wayne, the only man I knew as a father, wasn't my father."

This is a sad story so far. I think that it could be quite good, but correcting the grammar is pretty important. I know many writers don't want to bother with grammar, but it is nearly impossible to read a piece that has constant grammatical problems. Moving forward, I hope that you add more details about the family-- Wayne, the sisters you mentioned, the mother, and of course, the main character. You're off to a good start... just keep working on it! If you edit or add more, I'd be happy to read it again. I will also change my rating as the piece improves. :)

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529
529
Review of Heartbeats  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like what you're saying in this poem. There is a rather honest quality to this piece as well.

For I am lost in the promise of what might be,
what never was.

Take them all…
I have no further use for heartbeats.

To me, I think these 4 lines are by far the strongest in the poem. Solid beginnings and endings are something that I always look for in poetry, and the ending is definitely on the money. :)

The beginning may be stronger with a little work though...

"If all you wanted was my heartbeat, / you only had to ask." I love what you're saying here, but the way you said it was a little on the boring side for me. Though the flow is good, the only interesting word used is "heartbeat". If I hadn't intended to review this poem, this intro probably wouldn't have hooked me-- in all likelihood, I wouldn't have read the rest of the poem. I have no real suggestions for making this more interesting, but I thought I would mention it.

"Each beat, each pulse of it / is there only for you." You don't really need the words "of it" tacked onto the end of the first line. It doesn't add to the meaning... the reader knows what you're talking about. ;) I think I'd remove the "is" from the next line too, but that is just a personal preference of mine-- I prefer only words that are absolutely needed in free verse.

"There is no need for deception, / though easy a mark am I." You used the word "there" in the line above this, which made the first line here rather repetitive sounding. I think you could remove "There is" completely, but I think that I'd change it somehow if you want the sentence to remain a complete sentence. Additionally, I am curious as to your reasons for the twisted second line. You're not rhyming, so what reason is there to twist a line that badly? It's a wee bit awkward. "easy a mark" in particular.

I believe all you tell me, each lie,
I do not question them.
I cannot – I will not!

The I, I, I, is visually unappealing-- some variation here also would prevent a little of the choppiness of these lines. No offense intended here, but they remind me of my son's speech. He's quite young, and his sentences are all very short and use simple wording. Changing an "all" to "what" and making some contractions and it would sound exactly the way he'd say it. Sentence variation could help. If it were my piece, this is what I would do to it:

"I believe all you tell me,
each lie, unquestioning.
I cannot - will not!"

Removing two out of the 4 I's in these three lines completely removes that choppiness. I also removed "not, them, and do", which are all rather boring words on their own.

Overall, I think you're off to a good start with this piece! With some editing, it could be very strong. I know that poetry can be a very personal thing, so you are welcome to take or leave all of my suggestions. If you decide to revise, I would be happy to reread it. :)

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530
530
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow... you have a staggering way with words! My feelings on modern rhyming poetry tend to run from despise to dislike. I'm absolutely amazed that you could have rhymes like "missing / fishing / dishing" and make them sound so natural within lines that are so strong. Insane. Also the sort of sayings you use in each line... unique platitudes (an oxymoron, I know).. I generally tolerate them, but I'm not a fan. Again, you make them work.

"There's truly no end to what never begins" and "But without any bait there's no point in fishing" Seriously... I can't believe you can use stuff like this and not make it sound obnoxious. Incredible!

Matching lines like "Empty words etched in chalk" (stellar) with "When it's all said and done[,] I think I'll go for a walk" (lengthy with no individual words of interest) would normally drive me crazy too... but it really works here (grammar edit would be good though).

The only suggestion I have is to give this a thorough grammar edit... it needs it. However, I can't even make myself know off half a star for it. You did so many things in this poem that I normally hate... and you made me love it. You deserve some kind of award for that. Well done, man!

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531
531
Review of Alabama Leak  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"but I'm not sure if its even good" Well, I think you can stop wondering. It is definitely good! A masterpiece... maybe with a bit of work, but it is surely good. You have far too many amazing lines in this piece for it to not be "good". ;)

First, some random favorite lines:

"I pick up my pen instead of the mop" Adore this!

"Sure I have a job but a job's just a place in time and I'm not on the lease so this place ain't mine and you're welcome to kick me out". Stellar... really fantastic line! I even think that the incredibly run-on sentence adds to the intensity, which is a feat.

" I just hope that it's something, someday, someone will quote" The sentiment is something that I think all writers can relate to. The "something, someday, someone" is brilliant. Love it!

Some observations & suggestions:

"You had a task and you failed and the shitty part is no one ever told you what was right" Okay... so you're still talking to the train here? I get the impression that you're talking to/about yourself (or the character's self), but in the line before this, you address the train. Thought I'd mention it because the general impression I got from these lines was 'rambling automatic writing', which isn't how the rest of it seemed to me.

"...worried about bills and everything that plagues every grown woman. Every..." The "every/every/every" made me stumble a bit here. I love the "every grown woman" and the "every young woman", but I think I'd try to change the "everything" to a synonym.

I think this piece would read much better with a bit of editing. Well-placed punctuation could work wonders here. For instance:

"Drip drip drop drop dripdropdripdrop. Faster then slower then steady then stop". Great onomatopoeia here! I think that using commas as pauses like you would in poetry could add to the effect. "Drip drip, drop, drop, dripdropdripdrop." mimics the "faster, flower, steady" in the next line because the commas slow the reader for the 'drop, drop'.

I also think that all of the lines that are not purposefully lacking punctuation should have that punctuation. Such as this line:

"Sure I missed a few drops but who's keeping score?" I see no reason for this sentence to not have the comma it needs. It isn't one of the eloquent run-ons, and it doesn't have pacing that couldn't stand a pause.

"Drip drop it goes and the off beat sound reminds me of myself" I absolutely love this line, by the way. I think this sentence would actually be more powerful with the proper punctuation. "Drip drop it goes, and the off beat sound reminds me of myself". Lovely!

Overall, I think this piece is really strong. I love your word choice, the phrasing is amazing at times, and I really enjoyed what you were saying most of the time. I think it could use a wee bit of thoughtful editing, it really could be your "masterpiece". If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read!

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532
532
Review of Friends  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I think that this is a cute piece, and I'm sure many people have had similar experiences. I like that the piece is basically narrated by an outsider too. I do have some suggestions for you though.

First, you have some odd words in this piece. I'll try to find all the ones that I noticed when I read it:

"the same class bunking, table banging" I don't know what you mean by "table banging". I'm just totally unfamiliar with the term. Also, the "bunking"... you mean living together or something else?

"But there is a beauty of friendship" Not sure what you mean to say here... I think it could be either "But that is the beauty of friendship" or possibly "But there is a beauty in friendship", which makes less sense in context but is much closer to what you have written down. Clarification would be great!

"He could figure the sadness in her voice" Hmmm... "figure" seems like a strange choice here. Maybe "he could head" or "he could understand"?

"After an uncomfortable silence of what seemed like the longest minute" The phrase "of what seemed" is a bit awkward. Maybe "that seemed" or something would be a bit smoother.

"He had got a receding hair line and wrinkles on his face now" You don't need the "got" in there. "He had a receding hairline and wrinkles on his face".

Okay... I'm done with the nit-picking lines. ;)

You never actually mentioned Rajeev's name until the end. If you could work it into the conversation somehow, that might be nice. Love the names, by the way!

"Rajeev asked wiping his tears of laughter" The "joke" was so brief that I can't envision somehow laughing so hard they cried here. I'd suggest adding some more banter between the two first or something.

Overall, I think this is a good idea, and you have some good details. A thorough edit to remove some of the awkward wording and possibly adding a bit more dialogue would make the story more effective I think. If you decide to revise, I would be happy to give it another read. :)

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533
533
Review of Phantom Heart  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Beautiful first line! It absolutely hooked me! The entire first stanza is beautiful. The second line throws the poem's rhythm off a fraction, but it didn't bother me much because the lines are so gorgeous. ;)

I don't think the second stanza is quite as lovely as the first, but the imagery is nice. You may hate this suggestion, but I think the stanza would be much stronger with the A, A, A, A. I'm not a big fan of starting lines with the same word. Call it a habit from writing free-verse, but I find it very distracting both visually and when reading aloud.

The third stanza has very strong phrasing. "The sun without ember, a barren, black dawn" This line is particularly good, though without the "The" I think it would flow a little better with the line after it. That next line was awkward for me on my first two reads.

"Hushed petals lie, their bloom withdrawn" I thought this was an interesting line. It took me a while to figure out the meaning (what with the "bloom" rather than "blooms"), but I quite like it. ;)

The fourth stanza is as strong as the first. Gorgeous!

I always hope for really strong first and last stanzas, and unfortunately, I think the final stanza is the weakest in the poem. The second line is awkward to read after the first, and the third line completely loses what little flow was left after the second. This actually really bums me out because I enjoyed the poem until the end. I read the poem once silently and three times aloud-- the last stanza tripped me up numerous times on every read. I would definitely consider changing something.

Overall, I think the poem is amazing... but for that last stanza. I like the meaning, the flow is pretty good most of the time, the rhymes seem natural, and the wording is lovely. If you decide to give that last stanza a revision, I'd love to read it again. :)

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534
534
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I really love the idea of using all the senses to express a feeling. Some aspects of this poem are just fantastic (some of the lines are quite good). Some suggestions and observations though:

Let me say, I prefer any repetition in a poem to be powerful phrases that add depth to a piece. You have some repetition here that I think actually detracts from the cleverness of what you're expressing. A few examples:

"The sound of Depression / Is the sound of falling tears" Using the phrase "the sound of" twice is a bit overkill I think. "Depression sounds like falling tears" sums up in 5 words what you said in 10. Somehow, I think this could be shorter and sweeter. ;)

Depression feels as though,
All of a persons hope,
All of a persons joy,
And all of a persons happiness

"all of a person" is not the important part of what you're saying, so why repeat it? I think it is much stronger as "All of a persons hope, joy and happiness". Single-word lines can be very powerful, but you could break the lines however you wanted. I like what you're saying, but the repetition is a little on the boring side.

"It leaves a bitter taste in ones mouth / It leaves ones mouth dry" I actually had to read the first line again before I could identify how you changed it. That's not ideal... it drew me out of the poem instead of deeper into the meaning. What's wrong with "It leaves a bitter taste in dry mouths" or "It leaves a dry, bitter taste in one's mouth"? I think both lines are stronger than essentially repeating the same line.

Depression looks,
Just like a child
A child all alone in this world

Again, a very long way of saying "Depression looks like a child all alone in this world". At the very least, removing the double "a child" would be nice.

As I said, I tend to dislike repetition unless it is very strong and makes the poem better. To me, the poem would be better without them, but even removing a few would make the instances where you DO use repetition more effective. Okay... done with repetition. ;)

"To the point where one can no longer speak." Correct me if I'm wrong, but "to the point where" just means "until" in this case, right? "Until one can speak no longer" is much simpler and flows better with the lines before and after.

To quickie "fixes":

"Sitting in the room" What room? There was no mention of a room... so "a" is probably a better choice than "the".

"Depression has a scent / Of day old blood" Somehow this seems like it should have "the" scent rather than "a" scent. May just be me though. ;)

Sorry if it seems like I just picked apart your poem. I think it has lots of potential... the wording is lovely (minus the repetition), and I like what you're saying. The flow of the lines is pretty good too. The last 6 lines are terrific and especially powerful. Overall, I like it! I think that with a little bit of revision, I could love it. :) If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another look.

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535
535
Review of You created me  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting poem! :)

Some favorite lines:

"From above, a single thread, its beauty a crime. / But I shall not use it to climb." Lovely... I imagine anything of beauty would be a crime if viewed from hell. ;) I would consider adding a descriptive word in there though, so that the reader will expect it to be beautiful. Not totally necessary, but I think it'd be nice. "a shining thread" or a "silver thread" or something. I like the line as it is too though... just thought I'd mention my thoughts.

"And I know dragging you here. / Will not make this hell disappear." This is a nice realization.

I really like the final line too. It's a fitting way to end this poem.

"You threw me down here" and "You threw me to hell"... these lines in the first and fourth stanzas struck me as a bit... odd I guess is the word. You want to drag someone to hell, the person who threw you to hell... so saying "you threw me to hell" seemed obvious. The repetition just didn't seem to strengthen the poem. I think if there's any way to change "you threw me" in one of the two places, I would do it.

"Hell is nothing to be afraid of. / When everything you have cherished lies dead far above." As much as I like the next two lines, these drove me nuts. The first has a few things that irk me... 1. "to be afraid of" is an very long and wordy way of saying "to fear" and 2. ending a line with a preposition (especially "of" to rhyme with "above") just kills me. I'd try to think of something else to say here to make the rhyme work without the wordy awkwardness. The next line just throws off the flow of the poem because it's a bit too long. Simple fix-- "When everything you cherish lies dead above". Cutting the extra syllables and tightening the verb ('you have cherished' doesn't seem as strong to me as "you cherish") makes the line flow much better with the lines before and after.

Overall, I think you're off to a very good start with this poem. I like the idea, and some of the wording is quite nice. With a bit of editing, I think it could be a pretty strong piece. If you decide to make any changes, I'd be happy to give it another read. :)

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536
536
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a pretty intense poem. I really love some of the lines, and I like the story you're telling. Some of my favorite lines:

"hello darkness / how have you been" I like that you actually greeted your "friend". It's a nice touch.

"i saw the sun turning blue" I think this is an interesting way to say that the pain returned.

Some observations and suggestions:

The poem seemed to ramble a little bit. As I was reading it, I felt like I had heard some of it before. I kinda had these "Okay okay, I get it" moments. The end and beginning are both very strong, but I think condensing the middle a little bit could help. Breaking it isn't stanzas for each change in topic may help you while editing too because you can ask yourself "What does this stanza add to the poem that wasn't here before?"

Some of the lines could be simplified for better impact too I think... for instance:

"i am opening the door / welcoming in / a long lost friend" The word "am" doesn't add much meaning here, does it? And the "in" doesn't seem to help much either. So why not just say "I open the door / welcoming / a long lost friend"? This type of simplifying could happen throughout the poem. I think that sometimes the meaning can get buried under these types of small words that aren't truly needed.

General editing would be good as well. I can understand not using punctuation if, say, one line both begins and ends the lines before and after it. If there's no double-use, I think that poems could generally make good use of punctuation. The "how have you been" line, for instance, would look much stronger to me with a question mark. Something to think about, perhaps? As it is now, with a couple commas and a "...", the punctuation seems out of place when it does appear.

Overall, I like the concept, and I think this is a pretty moving poem. I do believe it could be much stronger with a bit of revision. If you decide to edit, I'd be happy to give it another look. :)

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537
537
Review of The Rain  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I can definitely relate to this piece. I prefer rain to sun any day! :) Some observations and suggestions:

Since you're essentially talking to the rain like a person, why not capitalize "rain" like you would a name? It would be a small change, but it would be visually appealing.

"Now you are not tapping, you're pounding, but you still sound kind." The 3 "you"s make this line sound very repetitive. Perhaps you could remove one with a little tweaking? "Your tapping has changed to pounding, but you still sound kind" or something?

"Its calm to listen to" This sounded a bit strange to me. I had to figure out what you meant-- I kept thinking that it was incomplete somehow. "The sound calms me" is what you're going for, right? Tweaking this so that the meaning is instantly clear may be a good idea.

"It clears my mind to listen to you, your relaxing and meditating" This is actually two complete thoughts (i.e. a run-on sentence), and the "you, you're" is a bit repetitive. Breaking it into two sentences and twisting the first would help. Something like: "Listening to you clears my mind. You're relaxing and meditating". By the way, I've never head "meditating" used as an adjective before... I think it's "meditative" if you're using it to describe something.

"Your like an eraser that erases pain" The "eraser that erases" is kinda funny. ;) What else would it do? Changing the wording here may make the line sound nicer too. There are lots of synonyms for "erase".

"I know when its time for you to go away" This is a rather long way of saying "I know that when you leave". Sometimes simple is best.

The last line isn't as strong as the line before it. The "rain will never go away" and "when it leaves, it will come back" mean the same thing AND repeat what you said in the line before it... so, why not just end the piece with the line before it? I know that the lines rhyme, but I didn't even notice during my first read... so I don't think removing the last line would damage the piece at all. :)

Overall, I think you have a good start here. The piece needs a thorough grammar edit, but I think it could benefit from some phrase/word changes as well. When I revise my work, I always ask myself if there is a simpler or more interesting way to say what I want to express. It can be helpful and make a piece much stronger. :) If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to read it again.

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538
538
Review of Home  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
You express your feelings well with this poem. Some of the lines are quite nice as well. Some observations and suggestions:

"Being in your arms, / Is like being home." I love what you're saying here, but the two "being"s just kill me. Unneeded repetition in poems tends to drive me nuts. I think that cutting them out could make the lines much stronger too. What you're saying here is "Your arms feel like home"... 5 simple words compared to your 8 words. Sometimes the meaning of a line can get buried that way... something to watch for in the future maybe.

"Your hands on me / Are a soft call to my soul" Lines like this may be more powerful if you add a tiny bit of description. Instead of "on me", you could tell us "on my back" or "on my skin" or something like that. The flow may be better too, since the next line is a bit longer. It would also change the repetitive feeling of the next two lines. "Your hands on my skin" doesn't sound quite as similar to "Your lips on mine'.

Here is another place where the repetition actually makes the lines less powerful to me:

My heart cries when they're through.
My hands yearn to touch you.
My lips call out your name.

You could just take out the "My"s from the second to lines. Have a look:

My heart cries when they're through,
hands yearning to touch you,
lips calling out your name.

Thoughts? I think it sounds much smoother. On a side note, the "when they're through" is another place you could tighten up the wording... the phrase is a bit awkward and doesn't flow well into the next line. "They are through" simply means "they end". The awkwardness disappears and suddenly the flow into the next line is better. The smallest changes are sometimes the best. :)

Poetry can be a very personal thing, so feel free to take or ignore any of these suggestions. As I said, you expressed some lovely ideas, and I think that overall your poem is okay. With some revision, it could be really good. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give the poem another read. :)

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539
539
Review of I Am The Sea  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Wow... you have some beautiful lines in this poem! Really lovely.

A few favorites:

"Bleach me clean in your beautiful foam." Just a lovely line.

"until the salts seal every pore" Fantastic phrase!

" your rumbling music" and "wave after growling wave" The proximity of these two lines makes them all the better. The rumbling and growling... love it!

Now some observations:

You change tenses a bit in this piece... you alternate between the present and future tense. There is nothing wrong with that, but it can be a bit unexpected and jarring when it happens. I think that stanza breaks would help considerably. For example:

The gathering orchestra drives me on, into the labyrinth of you.

To where the last few expectant steps will carry me,
Onto your soft and comforting beach of glass.
It is there and then that I will meekly raise my head.
To humbly bear witness to your awesome power.

I pause a while beguiled by you,
Then trembling fingers slowly peel the cotton from my back.

Okay... you see how this break separates the future tense ("will carry", "will raise") from present tense ("pause", "peel", "drives")? It would have been very helpful for me. I had to do lots of "Wait... what?" return reads to figure out where one thought ended and another began. The stanzas would have been very helpful, visually telling me something different was about to happen.

"will meekly raise" is a split infinitive, by the way. Should be "I meekly will raise" to be grammatically solid.

Another thing that puzzled me a bit:

"This is not indulgence, I want to be the Sea." Both before and after this line, you are talking to the sea. This line is talking about the sea, not to it. I found it a bit jarring. Again, putting this line by itself-- it's own stanza, if you will-- would have made the switch much gentler for me while I read the poem.

Finally, I thought the "turn our backs" at the end of the poem sounded a bit redundant. When I read the poem a second time, I realized it really was-- you used it already. "I could not, would not turn my back". I think I'd change the imagery in one of those places.

Overall, I think you have some really nice phrasing in this poem. I like the ideas you expressed as well. The flow is a bit conversational, but I think it works pretty well. With a grammar edit and some stanzas, I think the poem could be stronger and easier to read. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read. :)

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540
540
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You have some really lovely lines in this poem. I think you expressed your ideas very well, and I like that you talked about the rain in each stanza, keeping it fresh in the reader's mind.

"even stand in the cold of the rain." The final line is awesome! I really think you summed up the entire poem beautifully.

I think that the two lines beginning with "Let" and "Let's" is a bit distracting. That type of repetition is visually unappealing to me personally, but I understand if you want to keep it.

I like the conversational tone you used in this piece. It works well for a poem that seems to be speaking directly to someone in particular. I think that at times, there seems to be wordy phrases that could be shorter (and more poignant for it), but it isn't terribly distracting I guess. "Know a desire for me you can’t tame" for instance would be simpler as "Know an untamable desire for me", eliminating the "you" and "can't". Same with "Be willing to do anything just to touch me" which I think would sound stronger as "do anything just to touch me". Just an opinion of course. Oh, and untamable is definitely a word, though my browser's spell check doesn't seem to like it. ;)

I think the first stanza is pretty strong, but the "..." at the end of two of the lines seemed unnecessary. I think that I'd use some other kind of punctuation (semi-colon for the first and comma for the second probably) so that the "just to touch me..." line at the end will be stronger. By the third time, it no longer seems special I guess.

Overall, I think the poem is pretty good. The lines about the rain and cold are strong, and in general, I like what you're expressing in the poem. If you decide to revise at all, I'd be happy to give it another read. :)

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541
541
Review of Dad's Calling  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a sweet little poem. I think it's a nice tribute. :)

Well, I think the flow is pretty solid, and the rhymes aren't distracting... they seem appropriate. I have a few suggestions/observations for you though.

First, there are some tense changes in this poem that confused me a couple of times. For instance, "suffer" isn't past tense, but "stood" is. Most of the poem is in past tense, but present tense creeps in here and there. The "I watch him grow", for example, seems like it should be "I watched him grow". Also, "So he can see me blossoming", which seems as though he is doing it right now (present tense) rather than "So he could see me blossom". If you edit the poem, sticking with one tense would be an improvement.

"As he held the secret within him" You never really explained what the "secret" is. I figured it may be that he knew he was sick and didn't tell anyone, but I'm not sure. Just thought I'd mention it. I don't know that it's really a problem.

"It just only reminded me" The "just" in this line seems redundant with the "only". I'd suggest removing one of them, though you may need to replace it with something else to keep the poem's flow intact.

Overall, I think you're off to a good start here. The sentiment is lovely, if still a bit sad. With a little bit of revision, I think this could be a strong poem. If you decide to edit, let me know! I'd be happy to give it another read. :)

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542
542
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
The story you created with these sonnets is just lovely! A rather classic tale written in a classic form... nice! :)

The first sonnet is quite strong. There are only a few things that I might consider tweaking.

"Between them sparks fly starts to stir up lust," Is it just me, or is this two separate thoughts? The line is a bit awkward. Maybe some punctuation in here would make the meaning clearer? A comma between "fly" and "starts" perhaps? Then you wouldn't have two unrelated verbs right next to each other.

In general, I think you need to punctuate these poems. Line line this: "Afraid of love she runs away to hide" need a comma or the meaning is a bit different than what you intend. This reads as though she is afraid of a love that she's running away to hide rather than running away because she's afraid of love. Punctuation can be pretty important.

Love the final line of the first sonnet! Beautiful. :)

The second sonnet is not as strong as the first. It has a flatness to it. Even visually, it looks flat, and it seems to be a bit of a monotonous "he did" "they said" "he knew" pronoun fest. Take a look at these lines, for instance:

His father knew what he did not want to,
He didn’t realize what he had just lost.
But his father knew what he had to do,
Making the sacrifice, her life the cost.

His, he, he, he, his, he, her... That is a whole lot of pronouns for just 4 lines. It seems like there may be a more interesting to way to say some of this as well. The monosyllabic words far out number all other words in these lines... it adds to the monotonous sound of the lines.

I do like the end of this poem to some degree, but the ending of the first is far stronger I think. If these poems were two separate items, I think my rating would have been higher. As a pair, I like the story, but it felt a little anticlimactic. I think that with some tweaks and editing, both poems could be quite strong. As they are, the story is romantic, but the wording itself could be more engaging at times.

If you decide to revise this piece, I'd be happy to give it another read. :)

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543
543
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting story, Teal! A bit of a weird one... talking miracle fish! ;) Let's just jump into some reviewing...

Though the narration has some "personality", you don't really have any strong characters in this story. There's the fisherman, who is a curious and surprisingly demanding fellow (I thought he was just going to eat the fish for a while there), but we don't know anything else about him. The meteor-fish should have had a strong character I would think-- it is sentient and the "star" of the story. I know the meteor can't talk, but surely it could think if it had awareness, right?

By the way... I think I would drop the Swiss cheese bit from the opening and just use the brain. I think it would be a little less cute but a lot more intriguing. ;)

The tone by the end of this story is conversational and very similar to the typical "tall tale". For instance, "The carp got to be a famous fish and people were amazed." He "got to be" is the type of phrase I would associate with a tall tale for sure. I didn't pick up on the folk-tale tone until about half way through, so I totally was not expecting "miracles" and a talking carp! Mixing in some more of those slang phrases in the beginning may be a good idea.

"And as everyone knows awareness must expand: it's a law of the universe." and "A meteorite with awareness does not burn up like average meteorites; it's an unknown law of the universe." I was totally expecting a third law of the universe... the "known but ignored law of the universe" or something. I was surprised when it never came.

"American water - danger, do not drink! That made everyone give it to their enemies, who drank it, and eventually began loving each other again instead of killing each other." That is the most idealistic thing I've ever heard. ;)

I don't know if you intended it, but this seems to have a rather anti-science / pro-faith vibe to it. The scientists didn't bother naming the asteroid, and then dissected the talking fish (a reasonable thing to do, I think). The fish spawned by the asteroid from space (or "heaven"), by comparison, created world peace.

If I'm honest, I probably would have stopped reading the story after this line "Heaven would, of course, not be mentioned by the scientists at NASA, not even afterwards." When I see a story about a sentient meteorite and NASA, I think "Scifi! Sweet!" This is the point at which it is obviously going to become something else. A thinking rock from heaven? Of course NASA wouldn't agree with that-- they're scientists. ;)

Overall, I think the story is interesting, but it isn't at all what I was expecting. If I'm honest, I think I just didn't enjoy it that much because I'm an atheist and something about the tone seemed to assume that everyone (but maybe scientists) believes in miracles and heaven and whatnot. I didn't feel like it was written with me as a possible reader, if that makes sense. I guess it just wasn't for me. hehehe

I still think that with some revision (grammar edit as well) that the story could be quite enjoyable for people. The writing style is quirky, and you do have some cute humor, if not my humor. :)

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544
544
Review of My Sorrow  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.5)
You have some nice wording in this poem, and I think it flows pretty well. I really love the lines that end each stanza too. I have some observations and suggestions for you though:

Something about the first line sounds very... familiar I guess is the word. I think it's the "is like a deep blue sea" phrase that seems a bit ordinary to me. I would possibly consider describing the sea another way and maybe removing the "like".

I like the rest of the first stanza! The last line is particularly good. I don't really know what the "await" is supposed to mean though. It doesn't seem connected to the "depths of despair await" line or the line after it. Probably because you didn't say what is being awaited? Punctuation may help make it more clear as well.

I really like the first line of the second stanza... it is a bit long for the flow of the poem though. I guess I'd consider breaking the line into two or using a word with less syllables than "tempestuous".

I think that third line has the same oddity as the third line from the first stanza-- the final word seems odd to me. "storms brew silent within". I suppose that we could assume you mean within yourself, so I don't think the "within" is entirely necessary. And "silent' modifies the word "brew", so it should be the adverb form-- silently. I think the line "storms brew silently" is much more poignant sounding, and the shortness would make it flow well with "There is no calm".

The final line is beautiful, but I have a minor suggestion for this one too. The first stanza's last line is just three words. I think it would be very nice to reprise the three-word line at the end by removing the "and". Instead of "stirring, cold, and lost", why not just "stirring, cold, lost."?

Overall, I think you're off to a very good start with this poem. It expresses some real emotion, and you have some lovely phrasing. A little bit of editing could make this a strong piece. :)

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545
545
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hmmm... the last poem I read of yours used the word "horizon" as well. It's a great sounding and looking word. ;) I think this piece is strong too.

"Morning strikes like a cobra / coiled on the horizon," Fantastic image here! Love the idea, and the wording is lovely.

"watching as death licks the landscape," I love this line as well, though I think it may be a more powerful sort of line if you cut the "as" (you already use "like" in this sentence). "watching death lick the landscape" sounds amazing to me. I think you may want to use a period here instead of a comma as well. The next line is a complete sentence anyway, and I think that the final line would be even stronger on its own.

And yeah... I love this last line. I think I would really like this line as the end for just about any poem. It's gorgeous. I think that the "your" made me stumble a little bit, but I like the sound of that better than "my" or something.

Overall, another stellar poem! That one tweak to the third line, and I think it would be absolutely perfect. :)

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546
546
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Your passion comes through in this poem. I imagine many people will be able to relate to it. You have many strong lines in this piece, the stanzas are in a logical order, and the flow is pretty good most of the time. I was a freelance editor for years, so the grammatical errors made me stumble, but overall, it's pretty good.

I think that the first stanza is a strong opening. I think that using three "so"s lessened the impact on me... I'd consider changing or removing a few.

The grammatical issues in the second stanza bothered me more than most of the others, and I think they're easy to fix.

We don’t have the luxury of falling apart
Not even when grief is twisting our heart.
We bear our grief upon our chest
Wrapped tightly round our family crest.

"our" is plural and "heart" and "chest" are singular. This could either say "my heart" and "my chest" or "our hearts" and "our chests". the last line is fine. :)

"Polished, shined, to respect, to honor" I think this is a very strong line, but the flow may be better without the second "to". I think I'd replace it with an "and". "Polished, shined, to respect and honor" removes one of the commas and makes the line flow better into the next I think.

I think that the 4th stanza is the strongest, but the 5th is pretty solid as well. Very nice!

Overall, I think that you did a good job expressing your thoughts in this poem. The rhymes are pretty solid too-- most don't feel forced. I think you did a good job in general. :)

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547
547
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Another solid poem, Danielle! Really lovely!

The first four lines are great! Your word usage is as good as ever. The only line that is slightly weak is "existing only in the". The other three all have very strong imagery on their own. Ending the line with "in the" is not really ideal either, but it is a bit hard to avoid with these particular lines.

The last three lines are also gorgeous-- individually and as a group. The words that begin each line aren't quite as strong as the previous stanza, but given the beautiful idea, I can't say that it bothers me much.

I could absolutely imagine the silhouette of this mystery woman, obscuring when the fog rolls in. The imagery is very well done, and I think this stands as a gorgeous metaphor for the way many women feel at times. It has a bit of an old-fashioned feel to it as well.

Anyway, I really like it! If you decide to tweak any of the line breaks or something, gimme a shout. ;)

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548
548
Review of Silence  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love some of the examples you used for silence. I think that with a bit of tweaking, this poem could be really excellent!

The first stanza has some nice wording. Two thoughts I had when first reading it were 1. the "an", "a", "a" seemed awkward to me (I'd just remove the "a"s and leave the "an" I think), and 2. the first two lines describe sounds that one wouldn't notice unless all else was quiet while the third line makes no sound at all-- it seemed like a weird line when placed with the other two. That said, I do like all three examples.

In general, it feels like I'm constantly saying "a" this, "a" that when reading the poem aloud. Any way you can edit some of them out would be an improvement I think.

"two deaf people communicating" I think this line is awesome but for one thing... the word "communicating". It's a bit bulky and disrupts the flow of the stanza a bit. I think it would be cool to use "chatting" or something that indicates vocal speech.

"A smile, a frown, the middle finger," This is one of my favorite lines. Using gestures instead of speech is a good example of silence. I think I'd remove the second "a" though. ;)

"Pops on a record before the song," I think this is an awesome idea too! The word "pops" made me stumble a bit because, as the first word in the line, there was no context for it. You could edit it, but I like the line as it is too. I just like to mention anything that halted my flow when reading.

I like the last 4 lines for the most part, though I did have to think for a minute before I figured out how a lie is ever silent. I think I'd use "secrets" instead of "a lie" myself, but you're quite welcome to ignore the suggestion. The "complete" before "stillness" also seemed strange given the short lines prior. I think "stillness" is enough by itself, but again, that's your call.

I tend to really like simplicity in poems, so I probably wouldn't put "silence" in the poem at all... just the title. That's just my style though. ;)

Overall, I think the poem has some lovely phrasing. There are quite a few things here that I wouldn't have thought of as silent... very creative. I think a bit of editing could really make the entire poem "pop". :) If you revise, I'd be happy to give it another read.

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549
549
Review of Bang  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem came up for a random review... I like it! Your description of the big bang is quite nice really.

From the first line to the "In this celestial dance" is beautifully worded. I think that if this was the complete poem, it would have been satisfactory for me! :)

I like the last three lines as well, though I really loved the choppy fast quality of the beginning a bit better. It created motion through the line breaks as well as the words. I think it does make sense to elongate the sentences when you did-- you were just beginning to talk about a longer span of time after all. I also have a suggestion for one of the end lines:

"Nonstop motion for trillions of years" Love the line... it is amazing! You already used the word motion once though, and in such a short piece, I thought maybe changing one of them would give each a greater impact.

Overall, I think it's great! I can see why it won the contest. ;)

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550
550
Review of That Girl  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very nice! I like the sentiment, and you make some interesting points. :)

I like some of the possible reasons you list, and I think that the conversational tone works well for this piece for the most part. I would try to cut some of the repetitiveness in the wording though. For instance, "her voice is heavenly but its much more than that" and "this certain girl is so much more deep"... the "so much" in back-to-back lines distracted me somewhat. This is just one example, and actually the "more deep" should probably just be "deeper". ;)

There are a few areas in which I think the wording is overly complicated too. Simple is sometimes better, even in a conversational piece. For example, "Are you so accustomed to her tone as if you are an infant who is comforted only by the sound of his mothers voice." The use of "who is comforted" is unnecessary. "as if you are an infant, comforted by the sound" is sufficient and more succinct for such a long line. Removing the "so" would make the line a bit smoother as well. The transition to "as if you are" is a bit awkward because of the "so" I think.

You're missing some question marks also (like the line above, which asks a question). A thorough edit may be a good idea.

"Is the Mere Utterance of her name so orgasmic, that you are instantly, w/o any reason drawn to her?
But then maybe its her voice.
is it the sound of her words that intoxicate you?"

I particularly like these lines, though I have a suggestion (that you may love, despise, or ignore). I thought it was strange to feel orgasmic over a name, which in all likelihood is a name shared with thousands or even millions of other people. Orgasmic is just such a strong word. I think that swapping the voice and utterance of her name would make sense. The sound of someone's voice is unique, and therefore seems more likely to me to be "orgasmic". I also think it's reasonable for someone's name to be intoxicating, which is not as strong an emotion as orgasmic. Just a suggestion.

Overall, I like the thoughts you expressed in this piece, and I think you expressed them well! With a thorough edit, I think it could be excellent. :) If you make any revisions, I'd be happy to read it again.

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