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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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Review of Cosmic Fountains  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
There are some amazing lines in this poem, M! The only poem of yours that I was familiar with was the one you recited for me and Shelley. This is a completely different style. Great to see poets with versatility!

The opening lines are great. The first line tells the reader that this will be a fanciful poem, and you provided just that. The entire first stanza is lovely. Harnessing the air and riding the winds to places only it has seen-- very nicely written.

There are far too many individual lines that are strong to mention them all, but I particularly like: "Like dew dies in the morning sun I evaporate" It just has an amazing ring to it.

The "We have danced" stanza flows incredibly well. I've seen lots of poets who cannot seem to keep the flow when one line is significantly longer than the others, but you do it numerous times without missing a beat.

I'm curious about putting "And" and "Like" in lines by themselves. Generally, I try to bury words like that in the middle of lines to make them less obvious. Also, the repetition of "music's" jarred me a little bit, though I adore the lines they appear in. I doubt i would change them myself, but it did make me stumble the first time I read it.

Overall, I dig it! ;)


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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is really quite a nice poem. I like the ideas you express, and there are some gorgeous lines in it! Some comments and suggestions:

I love the first line. Very well-written and the idea is quite good! I really like the meaning of the second line as well, but I think it is a bit bulky. A little tweaking may make it stronger. If you could remove the "or" somehow, the flow would be smoother, and "had" is unnecessary for the meaning to be clear. I would play with punctuation until I made the line clear without the "or" (which is somewhat necessary). "on to a new place- from which we began?" would make the line sound similar to what you're saying in the last two lines. We've been told so many things... is it a new place or where we began? Could it be both? Just a suggestion anyway.

Similarly, I think the lines would be smooth sounding if you removed the "a"s from "a brilliant voyage or a chaotic mess". "brilliant voyage or chaotic mess" sounds VERY strong to me, but even just dropping the second "a" would be smoother-- "a brilliant voyage or chaotic mess". I adore the line. It's gorgeous and, to me, it is one of the two best lines in the poem (along with the first line).

The word "figure" can mean so many things that it made me hesitate and reread the line for context. I like the word and the meaning of the line, but I wonder if there is a better word to use there.

The last two lines are strong! I wish there was a way to change "were told" and "were sold" without ruining the lines though. Both of those are passive voice.

A final thought... maybe some punctuation? ;)

Overall, I think you did a good job with this! I think the meaning is clear and the wording is lovely. Some editing for word flow and punctuation is all it really needs. :)

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Review of Gravity  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Amazing piece! You have so many fantastic lines in this poem that I had to reread it 4 times before I felt like I could review it.

"Staring hard in self-defiance at the faded cloth / As if she were trying to make everything beneath it disappear" The entire first stanza is gorgeous and perfect, but I especially love these lines. If this had simply been a 5-line poem consisting of the first stanza alone, I would have been totally satisfied.

I love what the second and third stanzas say, and the wording is superb. Somehow the flow seems a bit off to me for some reason though, which is a shame because I love the lines! "Took back our playground from the present day" I think the term "present day" is a little odd too. I'm accustomed to "present day" meaning "now" as opposed to some point in the past, which doesn't seem to make sense in this case. "Present" is the word in the poem that doesn't seem like the perfect word to use (or that I don't understand in the context used).

There is one other phrase here that I kept going back and forth on... "bottle of cider" vs "cider bottle". Generally, I'm all for it if a line can be shortened by removing a preposition, but I like the sound of "bottle of cider". ;)

The last four lines are amazing too. I love everything about them.

The first few times I read this poem, I was sure that I'd give it a 4.5 rating, but the more I read it, the better I like it! Amazing piece, and I'm off to peruse your port!

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Super cute! Love the idea, and I'm sure that little girls would adore it!

"They had ran through all of their recess games." It is "had run" not ran. All of the "had"s get tedious to read and most are unnecessary. Some repetition in a picture book is good-- Like the "On Monday," "On Tuesday,". The "had"s are not the good type of repetition. Try this:

On Monday's recess, the girls skipped rope.
On Tuesday, they played house.
On Wednesday's recess, they played spy Detective.

It is cleaner, easier to read, less repetitive, and they are still past tense. ;)

"Now, that it was Thursday's recess, they were out of ideas." Why not continue the repetition from before? "Now, on Thursday's recess, they were out of ideas". Just a thought.

"The girls were sad, that their costumes did not go over well." Instead of "did not go over well", which is a bit cumbersome, why not say simply "that the boys did not like their costumes"?

"A small amount of time, had went by." It is "had gone" or just "went" without the had. ;) And I would recommend giving us a line break right before this line. I know that in a picture book it would be on another page, but it would make it easier for readers on here. The line kinda confused me at first actually. ;)

"They call me, Streak. I have the power, to blend in to any object." I think of "fast" when I see the word Streak used as a superhero name. Something like "Blur" or "Cloak" or "Shade" seems more like a blending or camouflaging name to me.

Overall, this is a very cute story! I think kids will love it, and the language you use is perfect for a younger age group too. It's a very nice idea, and I think you did a good job on it!

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Review of fruits  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
hehehe... nice word find! I like that the words were themed. It's amusing that you put "tomato" in a fruit-themed crossword puzzle because we all know tomatoes are actually fruit, right? ;)

If you make any more word searches, I think that putting in some more variation would be good. There were 3 diagonal and 2 horizontal words-- the rest were vertical, so there wasn't much cross-over.

Very cute at any rate! I can't believe it took me 4 minutes to find all of them! There weren't *that* many words. ;)

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a good piece! I imagine that it could help others as well. You did a good job balancing the narrative style without making the piece too conversational as well. Some comments and suggestions:

The title (and final line) is clever and has a nice sound to it. Very good!

To me, the third paragraph is the strongest by far. I would suggest starting the piece with that paragraph, but the first two would no longer make sense-- and I do like the first two.

I think that tightening some phrases throughout could make the piece stronger and more interesting to read, For example:

"Our cat “Snowy” is nestled by a window ledge, where she loves to view what is going on outside."
I do like the line, but I think it could be stronger with some tweaks. The phrase "is going on" is a bit bulky and could be changed to a descriptive phrase about what she really sees outside. The "is nestled" is passive... why not just "nestles"?

You use passive voice frequently, and it may be a good idea to change it in places where it will not make the sentence awkward. This, for instance, is another example of passive voice that has an easy fix that is not awkward: "which led to his life being endangered". The phrase "being endangered" and "led to" make this longer and more complicated than it needs to be. How about "which endangered his life"? This is what I mean by "tightening some phrases". :)

Overall, I think this is a very good start. Some editing could turn it into a very strong piece! If you revise, I would be happy to read it again and change my rating. :)

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.0)
While I am all for helping people make money with their blogs or sites like squidoo and suite101, I don't think this is the best place to post a link to the item. If you really want people to review and rate your work, I think that you should post the content itself, telling them to go to the link if they want to see it completely formatted and with imagery. Otherwise, it just seems... strange.

I'm unaware of a specific rule about this on WDC, but personally, I think you would get better responses if people could read your work without going off-site. :)

Sorry that this review isn't for the content of the link. I don't

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Review of My story  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
You have some great details in this story. I like the narrative... the phrasing seems very authentic and the voice is strong.

First (to get it out of the way), this piece desperately needs a thorough edit for readability. There are grammatical errors throughout, but there are also lots of strange words thrown in or missing from sentences. For instance:

"Where I go from here? How am I doing? Too be honesty I’m very confused about what I want but im definitely feeling a little more hopeful and abet more alive than I did before."

The word "do" is missing from "where [do] I go from here". The "too be honesty" should be "To be honest", which could be easy to catch if you read the piece aloud when you edit. :) Also, "abet" should be "a bit" if I'm not misunderstanding, and the last sentence is missing some commas (after "honest" and after "want"). This is just an example... there are similar issues throughout. There are some numbers and symbols that sneaked into words as well (for example, "she didn’t d=see").

I think that many people will be able to relate to parts of this story, which is good. The emotional impact on the reader can make a good story even better. The memories from childhood stood out the most to me... they setup what comes later quite well too.

As mentioned, I do think the voice is strong and the narrative seems natural, but I think there are times when it is too conversational. For instance: " I'd start to walk and shed yell “COME BACK HERE” and I’d start to run, and she would chase me." The caps are distracting... italics or something will emphasize the words without looking quite as bold. The three "and"s make it sound a bit too conversational. I can imagine someone speaking a line like this to me, but reading it can become a bit tedious.

I think that the biggest strength here is the story itself. You've added lots of detail that help the reader get to know the character (or you, if it is biographical) through both voice and actions. The writing itself could use a bit of work-- wording, phrases, and grammar. I enjoyed reading this story, and I think that with some editing, it could be a very moving piece. If you decide to revise, I would be happy to read it again and change my rating. :)

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Review of Posession  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Solid poem... I really love some of your word choices, and I love the style. Some comments and suggestions:

I think punctuation would make this piece even stronger. Is there a reason why you aren't using any? This is what I would suggest:

"Powerless, Lifeless, I stand alone. (--though a comma could be cool as well) Naked, Stripped, Of all that was me. Ashamed, Humiliated, A trophy in a closet. Darkness, Barrenness, Where a light once shone. I am lost." It isn't so much for the pauses... the line breaks already accomplish the pauses. I think it would be helpful more for the periods-- it just makes the thoughts stronger somehow.

I love "ashamed / humiliated / a trophy in the closet"... fantastic lines. The "a trophy in the closet" is by far the most powerful of the long lines. If there was a way to work stronger word choices into your other two long lines, I think you should. :)

It is possible that "Darkness" and "Barrenness" should be reversed to emphasize the contrast between the darkness that exists now and the light that once was. It isn't necessary, but it could be a nice change.

Overall, I think this is a solid poem. I think that most people could relate to what you're saying-- if not in terms of a relationship, then a parent, boss, or other figure in their lives. I think the piece is already strong, but somehow, I think that it could be even stronger with a little revision. If you make any changes, I'd love to give it another read! :)

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hmmm... this sounds like an interesting start for a story. Sort of a jotting down of interesting ideas.

The piece has very little punctuation or capitalization, which makes it very difficult to read. It definitely needs editing-- there are lots of run-on sentences, missing commas, and so forth. The English is a bit broken as well, but it is still understandable. :)

I think you've made an excellent attempt to write down your thoughts about the characters and story. You're off to a good start as far as brainstorming goes, but the piece definitely feels incomplete. I would recommend brainstorming some more about the characters and plot... then write another draft.

Nice effort! If you revise this piece, I'd be happy to give it another look! :) Keep working on it and you could have a nice little story.

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Review of Woebegone Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love this poem! I think the imagery is fantastic and it seems sort of sleepy and peaceful to me. Poor junked Betsy. The way you describe the car makes me love it just like the father in the poem. At the first sight of the name Garrison Keillor, I debated just stopping though. I pretty much despise him. hehe ;)

Comments / Suggestions:

"My father's old Cadillac, 'Betsy', was an old champagne color," I think that the first few lines of a poem should be as strong as the last few. These lines are very strong, but the word "old" didn't seem very descriptive to me. Was the paint job old-- faded, rusted? Or was the color only used on old cars-- retired? Seems like there is a stronger word to use that would let the reader know precisely what you mean. Also, I was wondering if there was a specific reason for the word "Betsy" being the beginning of the second line instead of the last word of the first. To avoid starting a line with "was"? Just curious.

"My window in the back seat and / Close my eyes and listen to Keillor's / Crooner voice softly and gently take" I think that removing the second "and" and using "Close my eyes, listening" may sound better. The ands make it sound choppy compared to the rest of the stanza.

"But back then I would listen / And imagine moving and / Living there one day." This is another place where the "and/and" seems cumbersome. It isn't as distracting as the first one though. :)

I like the third stanza alot, but I noticed that it's the only one without a mention of Betsy in it. I don't know that it needs to be changed... just an observation.

The last two stanzas are really strong-- I adore them both! Let me toy with something for a moment though... " and / Overlooks the bay". The bay was never mentioned before, so it seems like a strange focus for the final line. Removing this and making the last line "On his mahogany desk" would be a solid move. However, mentioning Lake Woebegone again would be an interesting touch. It *is* a body of whatever, fictional or not. So...

What if it sits overlooking the bay... or as you'd like to think, overlooking Lake Woebegone? Just a thought that you can feel free to ignore. :)

Overall, I think this is a very good piece. I hope you decide to share more of your work here on WDC! :)

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Wow... great title! It caught my eye and I just had to give this item a peek. ;) I have some comments and suggestions for you:

First, the line "One labor, one birth, one baby made me a mother" is very strong. It is actually much stronger than the first line in the piece. The "I made a big mistake that day" could pique someone's interest, but the "I knew enough to know everything there was to know" is a bit redundant sounding. I wonder if there is a way to get the same thought across without the "knew/know/know".

I like the capitalization and personification of ideas. It's especially effective here: "Help was at my door. She grabbed my bag, gripped my arm and stuffed me in her car."

I wonder if perhaps the final line (which I do love, as mentioned before) would be more effective if you mentioned Maddie earlier. Maybe "Later, one doctor said Maddie save her own life" or something? It would confirm who Maddie is and allow the last line to focus on the angel who saved the day. On a side note, I think that capitalizing "Angel" is sort of weird. The other words that you emphasized with capitalization (serendipity, fate, help, etc) are not generally regarded as people. Angels usually are people, or at least an entity.

This is an interesting piece. I enjoyed reading it and thought that some parts were quite clever. I think it would be much easier to read if it wasn't one solid block of text. Maybe creating a few paragraphs (one for the intro, one for when help arrives, and a final to explain the aftermath?) or breaking the lines like poetry would make it easier to get through. :) With a bit of editing, I think this piece could be very strong. Well done!

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Review of Parasol of Pain  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
You have some really nice lines in this piece! I do have some comments and feedback for you though:

The first stanza could be a bit stronger I think. I LOVE the first line-- it's fantastic. The second line doesn't seem to add much to this poem though. It just seems like a strange and heavy line to have so early in the piece. By comparison, "The red twist down my arm" is beautiful imagery and doesn't feel like you're beating the reader over the head with the idea. ;)

The last stanza is very strong in meaning. I love the last line in particular. The last and second stanzas are the most emotional and best written I think. The first two lines of the second stanza are quite strong (and again, I LOVE that "red twist" line).

The third stanza for me seems familiar somehow-- screaming without a sound is pretty common, especially in horror writing. It is a bit cliche I suppose. The "I fall to the ground" isn't a terribly strong line either. Perhaps there is another way to say it? There are plenty of synonyms for "fall" and "ground" (if you decide to change the "sound" line). I do like that you mention the parasol again in this line though-- keeps it fresh in the reader's mind.

Overall, I really like parts of this poem. I love the parasol (great sounding word, great image)! I think that, with a bit of revision, this could be a strong poem. If you decide to make changes, I would be happy to reread it and change my rating. :)

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
I like what you're saying with this piece, and you have some really nice phrasing throughout. A few comments and suggestions:

Adding short line breaks (like one for each phrase) would be extremely helpful for the reader. I think that breaking up these enormous blocks of text would be a fantastic idea too. It's physically hard to read as it is-- hard on the eyes.

The piece needs a thorough grammar edit as well, though i wont get into detail about that. ;)

I like this line: "The desire, takes a pendulum swing, between its two extremes, never finding the required equilibrium." I like what it says, though it could be a little bit smoother to read. "takes a pendulum swing" is a bit awkward because of your use of "take". It could actually mean that desire stole the swing from a pendulum. ;) I would try to find another verb to use there. Grammatically, there doesn't need to be a comma between desire and takes OR swing and between... line breaks would be so much better to show pauses (and easier to read!):

The desire
takes a pendulum swing
between two extremes,
never finding the required equilibrium.

I like the last few lines too... a good way to wrap up this piece that talks about a struggle. :) A quick fix here though: "I won`t let my hope die a cowardice death." "Cowardice" is used here to modify death (it is describing the type of death), but cowardice is not a descriptive term... it's a noun. You mean "cowardly death". Like I said, the piece needs a thorough edit... there are lots of strange word choices like this throughout. Using "dither" (meaning indecisive) instead of "differ" in this line is another example: "The unknown, that can only be fantasized, keeps haunting the soul, dithering it from realities"

Overall, I really like some of the ideas and word choices! With some editing and format changes, it could be a pretty strong piece. :)

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Review of Calm  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting piece. It reminds me of my childhood actually-- I used to play make-believe under an ash tree, and the tree's shadow was a doctor, or a teacher, or someone else in my world. ;) I love it when poetry and microfiction remind me of something personal, even if it isn't quite the same. I can understand Calm being a shadow or a tree or the feeling you get when looking at it. Very nice idea.

I have a few suggestions and comments for you:

First a quick fix: There are two "the"s here-- "Eventually the the guy"

It is a tiny bit odd that "Calm was a tree" in one line, and then in the next line it was unclear whether or not it was the tree itself. Maybe adding something to the "Calm was a tree" line to indicate the possibility of it being something else? Like a "I think." or "Or is it?"

Just calling the person who took you there "the guy" seemed sort of casual for the weighty topic you're writing about. Maybe you could be a bit more specific about who this mystery guy is.

I think that since Calm is basically a character here, the word should be capitalized. Strong ideas are often capitalized in poetry anyway, so it could serve a sort of double purpose.

Overall, I think this is a cool concept and that you executed it well. A few tweaks may help with clarity, but I think you really did an excellent job with it! Well done!

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Review of The Red Knight  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Awesome imagery! The story, though a bit gruesome, makes me smile-- though I'll explain why later. :) I very much enjoyed it, but I do have some comments and suggestions for you:

Great first line! Really makes the reader wonder what is happening and want to read more.

"It didn't care what it's was being used for it just sat there, perched atop the candle burning." A few things about this line... first, it took me about 10 reads to figure out why this says "candle burning" instead of "burning candle". I would consider changing "burning" to a synonym that is not used so commonly with the word "candle".

Second, 'it didn't care what it was being used for' and 'it just sat there..." are two sentences combined with no puncuation. What you have now is a run-on.

Third, "It didn't care what it's was being used for" The phrase "was being used" is passive voice and awkward to say. That three word phrase means simply "uses"-- so if there is a way to rewrite the sentence to remove the passive voice, it would be a good idea. The "it's" also doesn't need the apostrophe & s. Considering that this sentence (separated from the next sentenced) ends in "for", I would probably rewrite the entire sentence. Ending with a preposition is awkward as well.

"I would finally give in to the compulsion to kill" The "would finally give" is a split infinitive. I figured I should point out some of these VERY common grammar issues so that you can watch for them in the future-- sorry if it's boring. ;) The verb here is "would give", and "finally" is modifying the verb so it shouldn't be in the middle. "finally would give" is grammatically correct.

"I had expected to be choked by the fumes" There is a simpler option than "to be choked". Why not "I had expected to choke on the fumes"? It cuts down on the bulkiness and means the same thing. :)

The ending is strong, but I might make one change. " light and brilliant hues of orange, red and white dancing across the blue black darkness of the basement walls. Then... Blackness." The "blue black darkness" makes this read like one long list of colors, and the mention of black also takes away from the impact of "Then... Blackness". I think I would just remove "blue black" and leave it at "darkness" or maybe "shadowy darkness" or something that isn't a color.

Now for why this makes me smile:

The story itself is pretty awesome. It reminds me so strongly of Robert R. McCammon's short story 'Pin' that i have to ask... have you read the story before? It seems almost like an homage to that story (one of my favorites of his). :) The gasoline line is also reminiscent of the opening line in another story from the same collection. The line is: "Johnny James was sitting on the front porch, sipping from a glass of gasoline in the December heat, when the doom-screamer came." They both use gasoline in a rather unexpected way. I love McCammon, so these are really compliments. ;) Well done!

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Review of Fragment  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (2.0)
I like some aspects of this poem, but I do have some comments and suggestions for you:

This poem is only 30 words long, and 4 of them are "just". I think that is probably a bit more than you need. The repetition of "just" at the end is a bit jarring. The line would probably be more powerful if you just took out the justs: "Because I'm just... a fragment, another unimportant part of it". It sounds much smoother if read aloud. :)

Also, I might as well mention that at a glance, the only words that stand out are" make-believe, world, adventure, fragment, and unimportant. Just 5 words that are not extremely common, everyday words. You may want to think about how many high-impact words you want to have in this piece and place them to their best advantage (the first three are all together in the beginning, and there are two lines in the middle without any).

Now for some feedback that you may not be expecting at all but I really want to say:

The first line actually reminded me of a No Doubt song from the 90's. It's called "Just a Girl", and it says "I'm just a girl" over and over. Just curious if you had heard it before-- there are some songs that I would rather not sound like and others that I probably wouldn't mind.

Along the same lines, the second line also reminds me of a 90's song by Aqua... "I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world" is the specific line. The sound of your first two lines is fairly similar, as is the meaning I guess. Again, just pointing it out because you may not like the similarity.

Overall, I think the poem needs some work, but the idea behind it is nice. It could be a really solid with some editing. I particularly like the last 4 lines (without the two extra "justs" and a period at the end anyway). If you decide to revise, I would be happy to reread and rate it again. :)

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
hehehe... This is an amusing poem! :) I like what you have to say, and it has some great lines. I do have some suggestions for you though:

First, there is only one straight rhyme here (out and about). So... since it doesn't need to rhyme, you could make the "People try to get me out" into something a bit more interesting sounding. The words "get" and "out" aren't very flashy. "Outside" is a bit cooler sounding and looking than "out", and there are lots of synonyms for "to get" as you use it. Maybe they try to "drag me outside" or "lure me outside". Lure might be particularly nice considering the lines before it. ;)

Similarly, "my place" in the first line could be a bit more interesting. Lots of synonyms-- my lair, house, flat, apartment, den, etc.

In general, I think that some more creative word choices could make this poem 'pop'! The "I'm sitting here", for another example, could be a bit different-- I'm lounging here. I'm glued here. I'm hunched here.... something.

I think you should add some punctuation in here too-- particularly so that the "Am I wasting all my days?" can have a question mark. It looks rather naked without it. Periods for the sentences and a question mark for the question could help with clarity as well.

In general, I think this is a cute and funny little poem! Some stronger word choices here and there could give it even more attitude. :) If you decide to revise it, let me know. I'd love to reread it!

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Review of The Window  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (2.5)
This poem has some really nice lines, and the story is rather tragic. Poetry tends to be a bit more personal than some other writing forms, so you can take or leave my comments and suggestions. ;)

The opening line had me hooked at "sorry-looking lady" (which should be hyphenated, by the way), but lost me at the "bay window by the door". It just sounds bulky and strange when read aloud. Before I knew this what rhyming poetry, I thought that "by the door" was a weird detail to add also. Somehow, I think it would be more emotional if she was sitting on the floor, which also rhymes.

The next line is one of the strongest in the poem I think. It is a nice image.

"Damn him for coming out and asking her to be his wife" The 'coming out and asking' is another bulky sort of phrase that seems to just be sort of filler for the line-- making it flow with those before and after, but not very strong. The simplest way to say the entire phrase is 'asking'. If there is another way to make the line longer, I would suggest tweaking it.

"When he came along walking straight on into fate" Same thing here. "came along walking" is a bit redundant. To "come along" means "to walk". ;) And the "on into" is awkward-- two prepositions in a row always sounds and looks a bit strange.

"At first she called him scum, he thought she was the best / His breath had smelt of rum, he said she was prettier than the rest" Thinking that he was scum is rather strong, but these two lines could have major impact if they flowed together better. "he said she was prettier" is really awkward when reading aloud. If you break the first line into two sentences (At first she called him scum. He thought she was the best.), then you could break the next line into two sentences and everyone would understand inherently that it was a his & hers POV. Try reading this aloud:

At first she called him scum. He thought she was the best.
His breath had smelt of rum. She was prettier than the rest.

Thoughts? Even visually, the lines really look like the go together, and to me, they sound much cleaner. :)

"his ashes spread about that lake" Just a personal opinion here, but I think "the lake" would have more impact here. They met at THE lake, and he is still there.

"Causing her to forever live with a heart in mourn to cry" For a final line, this isn't that strong. It is a bit awkward after the previous line (perhaps because it has quite a few more syllables!). "in mourn to cry" is sort of a strange phrase in and of itself. Removing the word "forever" helps significantly with the flow by removing 3 syllables, but I don't know how you would go about changing the "mourn to cry" phrase.

Overall, I think the story told is quite nice. A lovesick and rather bitter woman reminiscing about the past-- it's a good idea. I think that some tightening and some tweaks would make it a very strong poem. If you decide to revise, I'd love to read it again! :)

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Review of Lady in Sepia  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Is it just me, or are you in the process of editing this one? "[whatever, use a thesaurus]" ;)

Again, your style is pretty much exactly what mine used to be (I don't write poetry all that much anymore). Don't get disheartened if people don't understand this style. I've had to explain it to many people on here before they understood the emphasis, line breaks, and so forth. I adore it!

That said, I like this poem as well. The title is gorgeous, and the poem is what I expected of a piece titled "Lady in Sepia". I love where you're going with the entire poem. There are some very nice word choices throughout (and I would love to see it once you have it exactly how you want it to be).

The end is incredibly strong, particularly the last line. Attics are the universal place to stick something to be forgotten, so the poem itself comes full-circle from the first to last line.

I love what you've done with this piece so far. If you want to talk it over with someone, shoot me an email. :)

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Rated: E | (4.5)
I like your poem! The style is very similar to the way I wrote many years ago. Placing important words (i.e. vestiges and fingers) as the first word of the new line and leaving the less important words (as and but) dangling after the comma-- I quite like the style. That's why I did it myself for so long. ;)

The first two lines are lovely. The word "lingers" really emphasizes the haunting aspect of the song, and what can I say? I love the word vestiges. It has a nice ring to it.

I can appreciate what you're saying in the last two lines, but somehow the final line seems bulky to me. It is longer than the others and kinda trips the tongue when read aloud, which is a definite departure from the easy flow of the rest. I have know idea what you could do to change it without altering the meaning though.

Overall, I like this poem more than most that I have read on here lately. It is in a style that I enjoy and appreciate, and the message is a lovely one, though it is one that I've heard before. Well done! :)

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Rated: E | (3.5)
Wow! Something I never thought I'd say but... I feel like I really got to know your ferret's personality through this poem! :D

I think the most obvious way to write a poem about a pet is to write your own feelings about the pet, and while you did that, I think it is amazing how much you really focused on Sienna. It really tells her story-- a biography of sorts.

My favorite lines are: "A biter, a digger / An eater of toys" It really illustrates her feisty nature. :)

Lots of people have issues with poetry being "too rhyming". I tend to prefer non-rhyming poetry, but you did well with your rhymes for the most part. The only one I would really consider changing is the life/strife rhyme. It is a very common rhyme that detracts a bit from the poem.

This was a very good effort though, and it's a great pet memorial! Well done!

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Fantastic changes! The language used for Randy now that's he's two is adorable! His parents' surprise that he named the bubble is clever.

And wow... the ending is beautiful now. They seem very caring, and the fact that they want him to remember the experience seems gentler now. Lovely!

I think the changes made a big difference. "Slowly, Max circled, sank, and burst impressively on a lamp post." This line following directly after the naming of the bubble is far more poignant than the first 'death scene'. Fantastic how you linked the two! I actually got goosebumps, and considering that I had a feeling what you were going to change, that is amazing!

This is definitely a fine piece of flash fiction! If you come up with any more, I would love to read them. Shoot me an email! :D

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Rated: E | (3.0)
This has some of the elements that I love in good flash fiction, including nice imagery and at least one strong character. It's pretty well done, but I do have some suggestions and comments for you.

First, the ending is predictable and was, therefore, a bit of a let down after the bubble's rather long journey. Possibly referring to it as the child's first pet was a bit strong. It tells the reader immediately that there will be tears in the end. If the child was simply in awe at first and decided to name the bubble Max just before it floated way too high to reach, it wouldn't lead the reader to the conclusion so quickly. It would change your piece from a clever story to a pretty story with a clever and sad twist. Both can be effective-- I just thought I'd mention my thoughts.

Second, the path of the bubble felt somehow repetitive. It went up. It went down. It went up. It went down. There was very little of the wind suddenly gusting it to the right or left or causing it to dip momentarily. I know it is possible to write about it's path without ever saying "up" or "down"... in a piece so short, more than once for each is probably overkill. By the time Max dies, it's the fourth time we've seen the word up and the second time we've seen the word down, which minimizes the impact of Max finally popping. I love that the bubble is going through a real journey, but some more variation would be nice.

You did a really nice job on some of the movement, by the way. "where it almost settled on a swing but decided against it", for instance, is awesome!

Finally, the last lines seem a bit strange to me. I have a child who is 4 years old, and I wouldn't say to him, "sorry, but that's life! Remember this!" It just seems... weird. The final "Just remember this" seems particularly awkward to me. Softer language-- something that sounds a bit less snarky-- would have more impact on me personally. It might soften it just to have the parents say aloud "Aw, we're sorry" and then think to themselves "but that's life. I hope he remembers this". Also, I would imagine that most 4 year olds have seen bubbles before. I think the story would make more sense in that regard if the child was younger-- maybe two with language a bit more broken. It would add to the emotional journey of the reader too because he'd be so little that we know he really hasn't experienced any form of loss before.

Overall, I adore the concept! It's a great idea and you have some beautiful word choices in the story. A few tweaks here and there, and this could definitely be a perfect piece of flash fiction! I really enjoyed reading your work and would love to reread it if you decide to revise! :)

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A pretty good story you have here! The pacing was great. It started off a bit sleepy (perfect for a girl lounging against a tree) and steadily increased. You had some moments of beautiful wording. Some very nice details here and there as well (e.g. "Fae saw his mouth move, slightly out of sync with his voice"). The plot itself is classic as well. I have a few suggestions/comments for you though.

First, I knew Bucky was a "bad" character very early, so the twist was lost on me. Possibly I read too much horror, but it may not just be me. At the first mention of the other ghosts staying away when she was with him, I wondered if he might be the worst of them. No matter what they wanted from the girl, this ghost was more powerful or something. When the other ghosts got frantic, I was absolutely sure of it. The sad, resigned phase only reinforced this. So the end was a bit obvious.

The familiar face at the end was not what I was expecting. Correct me if I'm wrong... but this was her stepfather, right? If so, coming out and saying that it was him would make the ending stronger I think.

A couple small quick fixes: "Now lost treasure was [a] certain thing." (missing the "a"). And "Their gesturing ceased, and they blinked out of the sunlight one at a time" ...This line confused me a bit. I had to reread it a few times before I figured out what you meant. Squinting or blinking in the sunshine is pretty common... and I couldn't figure out why they were blinking "out" of the sun instead of "in" the sun or why they were taking turns. ;) I understand now that "blinking out" meant disappearing one at a time... it just took a while. Any line that I stumble over is a line I tend to point out. There are surely some good synonyms for "blinking out" that couldn't possibly confuse anyone... I think I'd change it.

I know that this was a piece written quickly for the writer's cramp, which just emphasizes what a wonderful job you did on it. If you ever edit, I'd love to reread it!


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