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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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551
551
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow... I love the message of this poem and some of your phrasing is gorgeous. I love the pieces that Random Review has come up with tonight. ;)

The final two lines are simple and end the poem nicely. I love the "I, the omnipotent man" stanza as well-- the strongest in the poem I think.

The second stanza is beautiful except for the first line, which just about made me slap my forehead and groan. "A" is unneeded for the meaning or the transition between stanza 1 and 2. Drawing attention to it by placing it on its own line seems like a strange choice. Without that line, I think the stanza is perfect.

I think the first stanza is the weakest in the poem. I think tightening up some of the wording could make it quite lovely. For instance, "I take cover and hide beneath" would read smoother to me as "i take cover, hiding beneath". The next line "The open umbrella" make me chuckle-- who would take cover under a closed umbrella? ;) I think mentioning the umbrella once would be sufficient, by the way. I love the word, but twice in the first stanza seems like a bit much.

Overall, I think the majority of the poem is well-written and lovely. The parts that I didn't like as much failed to drag down my enjoyment of the poem, though it helps that the finish was strong. If the beginning was strong and the end a let down, I may not have enjoyed it as much. ;) This is an old piece, so I doubt you're interested in editing it by now. If you do decide to revise, I'd love to give it another read. :)

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552
552
Review of Nightmare  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I like the story you tell in this poem, not that it sounds pleasant of course. ;) I think you did a good job expressing your ideas. I did notice some areas for improvement though, namely unneeded wordiness that can slow the flow of your poetry.

Here are a few examples of what I mean:

"But the hands on the clock have tightened their grip" In this sentence, would there be any difference between "have tightened" and simply "tighten"? I don't believe so. "But the hands on the clock tighten their grip" removes the "have", which is not a descriptive or particularly strong word.

"This mask of stone he tears away from my face" To tear the mask from your face, he must tear it away, so the word "Away" is not really needed. "This mask of stone he tears from my face" is a stronger line in my opinion. I do love this line, by the way.

"For so long I have been able to keep him at bay" There is an easier way to say "have been able to", which is a bit awkward to read aloud. "have kept" means the same thing and is less wordy. "For so long, I have kept him at bay".

"I feel the rage burning a hole right through my chest" The word "right" does not add much emphasis here and doesn't add to the meaning of the sentence. It could be removed as well.

"My hands are free but I can't do anything with them" This seems like a long way of saying "My hands are free but I cannot move them", or even something with flashier words like "frozen", or "immovable".

I think that if you read through this poem looking for these types of phrases, you will see quite a few places that could be shorter and have more impact on the reader with a bit of editing. I think that editing the extra words from this poem may alter the flow in a way that isn't pleasing, but it is something to think about when working on pieces in the future.

The second to last stanza is my favorite. It is the strongest description of the pain he causes you. I also like that you wake up in the final line-- it's a nice solid ending.

Overall, I think this poem shows promise. Your narrative skills shine here. I think that carefully editing your poetry for succinctness in the future could make a major difference. A very nice effort! :)

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553
553
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
hehehe... This is a nice little story. Amazing the things you stumble upon when doing random reviews!

"I pretended I didn’t notice and enumerated all the toys I ever wanted" This story is from the POV of a child that still believes in Santa (though not the mall variety), yes? I don't think a child would use the word enumerate. ;) The rest of the language is pretty fitting for someone aged anywhere from 8 to 12.

"“Oh, yes! I played nicely with my sister, obeyed my parents, and teachers are fond of me.” This line stuck out for similar reasons. I can't imagine a child using the term "fond of me". Even a teen would probably just say "teachers like me".

Cute twist at the end! I was waiting for that flash fiction twist. Seems like "Principal Smith?" or something would have been a bit more 'real' than "Mr. Principal?" though. I'm pretty sure it would be just as effective, and I never knew a child who gave the principal the type of reverence you would give a president. hehe

Overall, I like the story. It's very cute! I think it could have a more solid voice, as it jarred me out of the story twice. Otherwise, it's just adorable.

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554
554
Review of Write Stuff  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice poem! The style reads much like nonsense, though the subject matter isn't nonsense. It's interesting.

I like the first stanza quite a bit! I think that all of the "stuff"s at the end are a bit much, but I like the flow and the vibe created by using the "stuff"s. They still hindered my enjoyment a bit. I wonder if there's a way to cut a few and keep the vibe.

The use of "stuff" in the other stanzas is great. I love the irreverence! :) The second stanza is the strongest in the poem I think, and though I usually look for bold first and final stanzas, it doesn't upset me that the middle stanza is the most solid.

The final stanza wraps up the poem nicely. It serves its purpose but doesn't particularly wow me.

Overall, I think this was a fun read! It flows well, and I think it's pretty amusing. Well done!

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555
Review of My Weakness?  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Fantastic little poem! It came up for a random review, and I'm glad that I stumbled upon it. I agree with what you're saying to some degree. It is frightening what words can accomplish, particularly if handed to someone with power and skill at public speaking.

I think the first four lines of the poem are enough to hook a reader- they hooked me.

You make the most of the space you use as well. There aren't many unnecessary words here. Only one really jumps out at me:

"crowd of people not wanting to" As people are the only species that read, we can assume that it's a crowd of people. So "of people" isn't terribly necessary. I also think that "unwilling to" has a nicer sound to it. I suppose it could affect the gradual increase in line lengths, but the final line and "of conviction onto" already throw that off a little.

Overall, I think this is a really solid poem. The wording is nice, the flow is sooth, and the meaning is something that writers should probably take the time to consider. :) Very nice.

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556
Review of Run Away  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This poem came up as a random review, and I must say that I quite like most of it. The first stanza is very nice. It reminded me a little of "I saw a man pursuing the horizon" by Stephen Crane (a poem that I adore).

"barefoot round the globe" is a great phrase. "Honeyed rays" is also lovely. The entire first stanza is quite strong.

By the second stanza, I'm getting a little bit tired of the repetition, but I like the sentiment. I think that the "run away to the stars" is a bit weird for this poem. It is the only line that begins with "run" and doesn't use two verbs "run and ___". Again, I like the meaning though.

Although I still like what you're saying in the final stanza, the repetition got almost obnoxious by the end. The double "run and chase" in that stanza is probably overkill because the line had already been used twice before. All of the "run and ___" lines in a row just killed me. The poem is so lovely and has such a nice sentiment that it's a shame for the repetition to be so brutal at the end.

My suggestion, though I don't know if you'll like it, is to drop the "run and" from each sentence. It changes the flow at the end, and I think it makes the final lines more poignant:

chase your freedom
get their heart[s]
chase your happiness
fin your peace

The "get their heart" line isn't grammatically correct, by the way. If it is "their", it would need to be "hearts" so that both are plural. This line also made me stumble because who are "they"? I think I would find another word for one of the "chase"s in this stanza as well.

Overall, I think that the poem is very pretty sounding. You have some fantastic line, particularly in the first stanza. The final stanza could be much stronger, but I still like what you're saying for the most part. In general, I think you're off to a great start, and with some revision, this could be an amazing poem. :)

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557
Review of Gramma's Teeth  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thus far, your stories never disappoint. :) This is a fun story.

"Poppa's been saying I've been looking pasty in the mornings." This is the only line in the story that made me stumble. The two "been"s threw me I think. I'd consider changing it to "Poppa's been saying I look pasty in the mornings".

"I know what he's thinking: HORMONES. Or even worse: PERIOD. I can't tell him it's neither of these, even if I am suffering with both, because it's worse." hehehe... nice lines. They even manage to be a bit foreboding. ;)

"Momma and Auntie Dor would split the care fifty-fifty" The word "would" implies that it's going to happen, but this happened before grandma died. So the just "split" it without the "would". The other times you use this sort of language, it has that conversational tone that works so well for you. I think this is the only time when it could be confusing.

"At night she'd snore so loud, the damaged side of her mouth would flap like a flag in high wind." Amusing imagery! The description in this paragraph is great in general. It's funny and a bit creepy at the same time. Nicely done.

"Where's the rational for lying awake" I think the word you want here is "rationale".

"Gramma's missing her teeth, and I think it's mutual." Great play on words here, whether intended or not. Gramma can't find her teeth is how I read the line, until the "I think it's mutual". Very well written.

Overall, a very solid story. Love the details, and again, the voice is very strong. It's funny, creepy, and cute all at the same time. Nicely done, again!

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558
558
Review of The Fiend  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a complete story, which can be difficult in such a small number of words. Some observations/suggestions:

Aside from the trash swirling around, there isn't much of a reason for us to think there is a problem with the couple. Not a major issue, but I was surprised by the "why do I stay" line because at this point 1. we didn't know what the relationship between them was supposed to be and 2. there was no sign of annoyance or anger from Jessica.

"he whispered, lying face down in front of their flat-screen TV, a gaming controller in his hand." Usually, I think of someone lying completely flat when I hear the words "face down"-- like someone had died or drowned. I'm guessing that he is actually lying on his stomach, but then the last line "as he clenched at his torn-open stomach" seems odd. Is he lying on his wound, clenching it with one hand? Seems like the worst position to be in, but I assume that's what you mean.

I don't think this is altogether clear. When I read the piece the first time, I thought the violence happened in front of Jessica, but now I'm pretty sure that he was whispering and panting because he was already wounded. The whisper and pant could be just because he's concentrating, so I think there's some room for confusion.

I think the idea of him lying there bleeding without her realizing it right away is pretty creepy (though the ending the first time just seemed weird because I didn't understand what was happening). This is a pretty cool idea-- just wonder if there's a way to add clarity within the word count.

After the contest is over, I think I would consider adding more detail to it. Holding the controller in one trembling hand, minor things that can add more atmosphere. :)

Overall, I think you did pretty well in the amount of space you had to use! If you decide to revise it later, I'd love to read it again.

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559
Review of world  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
hehehe... I like your poem. ;) I also agree with what you're saying for the most part.

The intro nicely tells the reader what the connection is between the lines. I think most of us would get it without the introductory line, but it reads well. A comma after the first line would make more sense than a period to me though.

"Sex is good with latex" is a really amusing way to end the poem, but I imagine that this line would require higher than an E rating. May want to change that before the system changes it for you (happened to me once over the mention of beer-- 13+ for that apparently).

"Beer is full of cheer" I'm sucking down an Amstel right now, and I'm feeling pretty cheery. ;) Gotta say I agree.

"Coffee is good with toffee." Not a big fan of toffee, but coffee goes with just about anything, doesn't it?

The only problem that I see with this poem is the line "Bacon is eaten". It made me smile, but it seems strange when compared to the other lines. "eaten" rhymes with "bacon" a little, so I wont harp on that (though when i say the words, they don't sound much alike). The "is eaten" is passive voice also, which isn't my favorite thing. The only sorta-kinda rhyme and the passive voice together make it a bit of a weaker line that the others.

Overall, it's very cute and pretty solid. I tend to like poems that don't seem overly serious. Well done!

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560
Review of What to Say  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Aaaw... this is a sweet little letter. :)

I think that it's good that you can tell your girlfriend your feelings. In my experience, it has been easier to just say "I love you" than to go into a lengthy explanation of how I feel. Very good!

The meaning here will come across strongly I think. All of the compliments add up to "I love you" I think. You also mentioned a few times that you want to tell her something... and I'm pretty sure that she could guess what that something is.

If I had to give a recommendation, I would say to drop the parts about feeling inferior, that you feel like she's better than you. I understand that you may feel this way, but why would this wonderful girl choose a guy that she viewed this way? I doubt that she would. If she doesn't view you as small, jealous, or not good enough, why should you bring the points to her attention? ;)

This is a writing site, and you did get your point across clearly. There are lots of grammar errors, a tiny bit of awkward phrasing, and some other issues that affect the quality of the writing itself. However, these actually add charm and realism to your letter, so I wont suggest changing them and wont base my rating on them. :)

Overall, very sweet and I think she will appreciate the effort. As far as young love letters go, this is a nice one. :)

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561
561
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
You have some nice lines in this poem, but the line "somewhere over the rainbow" overpowers your original lines a bit.

I like the line "somewhere over the rainbow", it's a lovely song as well. I think that if you used it sparingly, it could have a very nice effect. Perhaps once in the first stanza and once at the end would be enough? Beginning every line that way is just a wee bit tedious sounding.

The first stanza, for instance:

Somewhere over the rainbow
You will find happiness
Somewhere over the rainbow
You will find God's sweet caress.

If you remove the second "somewhere over the rainbow", I think that the lines are much more powerful!

Somewhere over the rainbow
You will find happiness
You will find God's sweet caress.

I think it would be a nice change. Another option would be to tweak the lines a bit each time. Instead of "somewhere over the rainbow" maybe "somewhere over the ______" or maybe changing two words, like "somewhere under the sunset"? Surely the changes to the line would need to match what each stanza talks about, but I think it could make the poem more interesting.

I'm not sure what else to say about the poem. Your wording seems appropriate to the subject matter, but as an atheist, I doubt that I'm part of your intended audience. ;) I think that the message you're trying to get across to the reader, one of faith and god's love, will be much clearer with a bit of editing.

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562
562
Review of Revelation's Ode  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Woah.. this is a surprisingly moving piece. Though I am a big fan of old poetry (1600s to early 1700s mostly), I tend to enjoy poetry I find on WDC much more without rhymes. Your lines are so solid that the rhyming doesn't seemed forced at all. The entire poem has a very natural flow.

The opening two lines are very strong. I was surprised at the passion in them, to be honest. I always look for solid opening and closing lines, and the opening did not disappoint.

"My tide is confounded by your moon" is one of my favorite lines, despite the passive voice that usually drives me nuts. Very nicely done.

The end is good as well. The "Celibate is my heart" line is very well-written, but the final line is one of the strongest in the poem.

A few small things... the use of "you" to begin the 4th line seems a strange choice with all the "thou"s in the poem. Also, the repetition of "to" in the third seems a bit awkward.

Overall, this poem has many strengths (the flow, the word choice, the natural-sounding rhymes, the absence of small meaningless words and bulky phrases) and not many weaknesses. I don't personally agree with the meaning. For instance, I do not believe in fate, yet the lines "To seek to move the current's fate / you seek to ruin tomorrow" are lovely! Your writing is solid, regardless of what I think of the content. ;)

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563
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wow... I really love some parts of this piece. You absolutely hooked me from the beginning. "He didn't really expound on this so I left him purring in the TV room" Great line!

I'm amazed at how well you incorporated the lion that is your illness. Fantastic! The end is very appropriate as well. Really, this is a very solid piece of writing, but it could use a bit of editing.

Some of the sentences could be tightened. I think in a piece like this, the fewer unnecessary words, the stronger the imagery and metaphor will come across. A few quick examples:

"talks to me and he hurts me whenever he sees fit". It wouldn't change the meaning a bit to remove the "he". "talks to me and hurts me whenever he sees fit". Enough little tweaks like this can make a big difference to the piece as a whole.

"I've now managed to armor myself up" This line does not need the "up", which is a wee bit awkward and doesn't help make the line more meaningful. "I've now managed to armor myself, learning to tame him". This is another great line, by the way! Awesome!

"i will be able to ride him and tickle his belly" another phrase that I adore! This can be tightened as well though. "will be able to" is a bit wordy. I think that just changing it to "I will ride him" would be great, but it changes the meaning slightly. Perhaps you can think of a stronger word to use there that will not alter the meaning.

"we will have some kind of man/lion metamorphosis" As mentioned, the end is very appropriate and lovely. I think that "some kind of" makes the line sound less strong. Be sure of yourself-- you will do this. You said so yourself "we will have". I would suggest removing "some kind of" and replacing it with "a". "we will have a man-lion metamorphosis" :)

These are the types of minor tweaks that I think could make a major difference. They seem so insignificant, but that type of polishing could make this a perfect piece. Well done! If you revise, I would love to give it another read.

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564
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
So this is a book review? Or is it an introduction to something you are writing yourself? Interesting description either way (if a bit difficult to read because of all the capital letters).

There are some small oddities in this. For instance:

"affect the life of others" You used 'affect' correctly-- always nice to see. It is the "lives" of others though, not life. Others is plural.

"the things a relationship goes threw" That "threw" is a verb. "through" is the word you need. "Weather it be men, boys..." The "weather" should be "whether".

"that life changing decision that made us" Using two "that"s so close together is rather repetitive sounding. "Life changing" is used as an adjective to describe "decision" and should be hyphenated.

There are quite a few of these sorts of issues throughout. A thorough edit of the entire piece is a good idea.

That said, you have moments of nice phrasing in this, and your excitement comes through. I generally wouldn't condone using "lol" in any piece of writing, but for some reason, the "Lol and enjoy!" made me smile. :)

You're off to a good start I think. It just really needs some editing. Let me know if you decide to revise and I'll give it another peek.

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565
Review of Into The Pits  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Interesting. This is a strongly worded, bold piece. I have some suggestions and comments for you:

First, I think this could use a thorough grammar edit. I won't go into much grammar in this review unless it seems natural to do so. ;)

"animal ballistic tyrants" I'm not exactly sure about this phrase. "Animal ballistic" seems strange to me, and from context, I can't really tell if you mean "ballistic" in the technical sense or the slang meaning (like, 'I'm gonna go ballistic if this happens one more time").

"Everything that was built in the words" You don't need the "that was" in here. It is a great line! One of the best lines in the piece in my opinion... but you only really need to say "Everything built in the words of freedom and liberty..." I think that tightening up the sentence makes it even more powerful.

The next line "Blood spills from the soldier's wound..." is very well-written as well. Even if I entirely disagreed with what you are saying in this piece, I would have to admit that some of the lines are stellar.

Your declaration, for lack of a better word, at the end of the piece is strong as well. I'm a pacifist, but I can still recognize persuasive words when I hear or read them. Nicely done.

A final observation: "Blindly following into the pits of suppression and subjugation" This is not a complete sentence, which I think is fine sometimes, but I would consider adding something to this one. The subject I can infer (we-- people-- the 'ignorants'). The thing we're following I can infer (the tyrants). Having to infer both may confuse people.

Overall, I think this is a very passionate piece that has moments of very solid writing. A bit overly wordy here and there perhaps, but I imagine it could get people heated in a hurry if read by a strong public speaker. Well done!

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Review of Cosmic Fountains  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
There are some amazing lines in this poem, M! The only poem of yours that I was familiar with was the one you recited for me and Shelley. This is a completely different style. Great to see poets with versatility!

The opening lines are great. The first line tells the reader that this will be a fanciful poem, and you provided just that. The entire first stanza is lovely. Harnessing the air and riding the winds to places only it has seen-- very nicely written.

There are far too many individual lines that are strong to mention them all, but I particularly like: "Like dew dies in the morning sun I evaporate" It just has an amazing ring to it.

The "We have danced" stanza flows incredibly well. I've seen lots of poets who cannot seem to keep the flow when one line is significantly longer than the others, but you do it numerous times without missing a beat.

I'm curious about putting "And" and "Like" in lines by themselves. Generally, I try to bury words like that in the middle of lines to make them less obvious. Also, the repetition of "music's" jarred me a little bit, though I adore the lines they appear in. I doubt i would change them myself, but it did make me stumble the first time I read it.

Overall, I dig it! ;)


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567
567
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is really quite a nice poem. I like the ideas you express, and there are some gorgeous lines in it! Some comments and suggestions:

I love the first line. Very well-written and the idea is quite good! I really like the meaning of the second line as well, but I think it is a bit bulky. A little tweaking may make it stronger. If you could remove the "or" somehow, the flow would be smoother, and "had" is unnecessary for the meaning to be clear. I would play with punctuation until I made the line clear without the "or" (which is somewhat necessary). "on to a new place- from which we began?" would make the line sound similar to what you're saying in the last two lines. We've been told so many things... is it a new place or where we began? Could it be both? Just a suggestion anyway.

Similarly, I think the lines would be smooth sounding if you removed the "a"s from "a brilliant voyage or a chaotic mess". "brilliant voyage or chaotic mess" sounds VERY strong to me, but even just dropping the second "a" would be smoother-- "a brilliant voyage or chaotic mess". I adore the line. It's gorgeous and, to me, it is one of the two best lines in the poem (along with the first line).

The word "figure" can mean so many things that it made me hesitate and reread the line for context. I like the word and the meaning of the line, but I wonder if there is a better word to use there.

The last two lines are strong! I wish there was a way to change "were told" and "were sold" without ruining the lines though. Both of those are passive voice.

A final thought... maybe some punctuation? ;)

Overall, I think you did a good job with this! I think the meaning is clear and the wording is lovely. Some editing for word flow and punctuation is all it really needs. :)

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568
568
Review of Gravity  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Amazing piece! You have so many fantastic lines in this poem that I had to reread it 4 times before I felt like I could review it.

"Staring hard in self-defiance at the faded cloth / As if she were trying to make everything beneath it disappear" The entire first stanza is gorgeous and perfect, but I especially love these lines. If this had simply been a 5-line poem consisting of the first stanza alone, I would have been totally satisfied.

I love what the second and third stanzas say, and the wording is superb. Somehow the flow seems a bit off to me for some reason though, which is a shame because I love the lines! "Took back our playground from the present day" I think the term "present day" is a little odd too. I'm accustomed to "present day" meaning "now" as opposed to some point in the past, which doesn't seem to make sense in this case. "Present" is the word in the poem that doesn't seem like the perfect word to use (or that I don't understand in the context used).

There is one other phrase here that I kept going back and forth on... "bottle of cider" vs "cider bottle". Generally, I'm all for it if a line can be shortened by removing a preposition, but I like the sound of "bottle of cider". ;)

The last four lines are amazing too. I love everything about them.

The first few times I read this poem, I was sure that I'd give it a 4.5 rating, but the more I read it, the better I like it! Amazing piece, and I'm off to peruse your port!

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569
569
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Super cute! Love the idea, and I'm sure that little girls would adore it!

"They had ran through all of their recess games." It is "had run" not ran. All of the "had"s get tedious to read and most are unnecessary. Some repetition in a picture book is good-- Like the "On Monday," "On Tuesday,". The "had"s are not the good type of repetition. Try this:

On Monday's recess, the girls skipped rope.
On Tuesday, they played house.
On Wednesday's recess, they played spy Detective.

It is cleaner, easier to read, less repetitive, and they are still past tense. ;)

"Now, that it was Thursday's recess, they were out of ideas." Why not continue the repetition from before? "Now, on Thursday's recess, they were out of ideas". Just a thought.

"The girls were sad, that their costumes did not go over well." Instead of "did not go over well", which is a bit cumbersome, why not say simply "that the boys did not like their costumes"?

"A small amount of time, had went by." It is "had gone" or just "went" without the had. ;) And I would recommend giving us a line break right before this line. I know that in a picture book it would be on another page, but it would make it easier for readers on here. The line kinda confused me at first actually. ;)

"They call me, Streak. I have the power, to blend in to any object." I think of "fast" when I see the word Streak used as a superhero name. Something like "Blur" or "Cloak" or "Shade" seems more like a blending or camouflaging name to me.

Overall, this is a very cute story! I think kids will love it, and the language you use is perfect for a younger age group too. It's a very nice idea, and I think you did a good job on it!

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570
570
Review of fruits  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
hehehe... nice word find! I like that the words were themed. It's amusing that you put "tomato" in a fruit-themed crossword puzzle because we all know tomatoes are actually fruit, right? ;)

If you make any more word searches, I think that putting in some more variation would be good. There were 3 diagonal and 2 horizontal words-- the rest were vertical, so there wasn't much cross-over.

Very cute at any rate! I can't believe it took me 4 minutes to find all of them! There weren't *that* many words. ;)

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571
571
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a good piece! I imagine that it could help others as well. You did a good job balancing the narrative style without making the piece too conversational as well. Some comments and suggestions:

The title (and final line) is clever and has a nice sound to it. Very good!

To me, the third paragraph is the strongest by far. I would suggest starting the piece with that paragraph, but the first two would no longer make sense-- and I do like the first two.

I think that tightening some phrases throughout could make the piece stronger and more interesting to read, For example:

"Our cat “Snowy” is nestled by a window ledge, where she loves to view what is going on outside."
I do like the line, but I think it could be stronger with some tweaks. The phrase "is going on" is a bit bulky and could be changed to a descriptive phrase about what she really sees outside. The "is nestled" is passive... why not just "nestles"?

You use passive voice frequently, and it may be a good idea to change it in places where it will not make the sentence awkward. This, for instance, is another example of passive voice that has an easy fix that is not awkward: "which led to his life being endangered". The phrase "being endangered" and "led to" make this longer and more complicated than it needs to be. How about "which endangered his life"? This is what I mean by "tightening some phrases". :)

Overall, I think this is a very good start. Some editing could turn it into a very strong piece! If you revise, I would be happy to read it again and change my rating. :)

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572
572
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (1.0)
While I am all for helping people make money with their blogs or sites like squidoo and suite101, I don't think this is the best place to post a link to the item. If you really want people to review and rate your work, I think that you should post the content itself, telling them to go to the link if they want to see it completely formatted and with imagery. Otherwise, it just seems... strange.

I'm unaware of a specific rule about this on WDC, but personally, I think you would get better responses if people could read your work without going off-site. :)

Sorry that this review isn't for the content of the link. I don't

573
573
Review of My story  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
You have some great details in this story. I like the narrative... the phrasing seems very authentic and the voice is strong.

First (to get it out of the way), this piece desperately needs a thorough edit for readability. There are grammatical errors throughout, but there are also lots of strange words thrown in or missing from sentences. For instance:

"Where I go from here? How am I doing? Too be honesty I’m very confused about what I want but im definitely feeling a little more hopeful and abet more alive than I did before."

The word "do" is missing from "where [do] I go from here". The "too be honesty" should be "To be honest", which could be easy to catch if you read the piece aloud when you edit. :) Also, "abet" should be "a bit" if I'm not misunderstanding, and the last sentence is missing some commas (after "honest" and after "want"). This is just an example... there are similar issues throughout. There are some numbers and symbols that sneaked into words as well (for example, "she didn’t d=see").

I think that many people will be able to relate to parts of this story, which is good. The emotional impact on the reader can make a good story even better. The memories from childhood stood out the most to me... they setup what comes later quite well too.

As mentioned, I do think the voice is strong and the narrative seems natural, but I think there are times when it is too conversational. For instance: " I'd start to walk and shed yell “COME BACK HERE” and I’d start to run, and she would chase me." The caps are distracting... italics or something will emphasize the words without looking quite as bold. The three "and"s make it sound a bit too conversational. I can imagine someone speaking a line like this to me, but reading it can become a bit tedious.

I think that the biggest strength here is the story itself. You've added lots of detail that help the reader get to know the character (or you, if it is biographical) through both voice and actions. The writing itself could use a bit of work-- wording, phrases, and grammar. I enjoyed reading this story, and I think that with some editing, it could be a very moving piece. If you decide to revise, I would be happy to read it again and change my rating. :)

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574
574
Review of Posession  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Solid poem... I really love some of your word choices, and I love the style. Some comments and suggestions:

I think punctuation would make this piece even stronger. Is there a reason why you aren't using any? This is what I would suggest:

"Powerless, Lifeless, I stand alone. (--though a comma could be cool as well) Naked, Stripped, Of all that was me. Ashamed, Humiliated, A trophy in a closet. Darkness, Barrenness, Where a light once shone. I am lost." It isn't so much for the pauses... the line breaks already accomplish the pauses. I think it would be helpful more for the periods-- it just makes the thoughts stronger somehow.

I love "ashamed / humiliated / a trophy in the closet"... fantastic lines. The "a trophy in the closet" is by far the most powerful of the long lines. If there was a way to work stronger word choices into your other two long lines, I think you should. :)

It is possible that "Darkness" and "Barrenness" should be reversed to emphasize the contrast between the darkness that exists now and the light that once was. It isn't necessary, but it could be a nice change.

Overall, I think this is a solid poem. I think that most people could relate to what you're saying-- if not in terms of a relationship, then a parent, boss, or other figure in their lives. I think the piece is already strong, but somehow, I think that it could be even stronger with a little revision. If you make any changes, I'd love to give it another read! :)

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575
575
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hmmm... this sounds like an interesting start for a story. Sort of a jotting down of interesting ideas.

The piece has very little punctuation or capitalization, which makes it very difficult to read. It definitely needs editing-- there are lots of run-on sentences, missing commas, and so forth. The English is a bit broken as well, but it is still understandable. :)

I think you've made an excellent attempt to write down your thoughts about the characters and story. You're off to a good start as far as brainstorming goes, but the piece definitely feels incomplete. I would recommend brainstorming some more about the characters and plot... then write another draft.

Nice effort! If you revise this piece, I'd be happy to give it another look! :) Keep working on it and you could have a nice little story.

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