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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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426
426
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I think that the opening stanza has a nice hook. It's a pretty clever idea, and I was happy to see it carry on into the second stanza.

The second stanza has a more "cutesy" vibe than the first, but I liked it! The beginning is quite strong really.

Generally, I'm not a big fan of weak repetitions. "Never been" is not a strong phrase... it's actually sort of a boring phrase. However, it works pretty well here.

Observations & Suggestions:

Like I said, I really like the first stanza, and the second is pretty good as well. There is something about the second that caught my attention though: A heart can see doves? I know what you mean, and I like what it means too! Still, there is something decidedly weird about that for me.

The third stanza is much weaker than the first two. It doesn't strike me as clever, and the final line is just weird. Okay... It feels empty and never feels complete. These lines make sense together. "And never given entry" has nothing to do with the two lines before it. It just seems like a random line to make a rhyme. The first two talk about being empty, hollow, missing something-- the third talks about entering something else rather than the inability to fill itself. Know what I mean? It just seemed weird.

The final stanza sounds like Dr. Seuss to me... particularly the book "Oh the Places You'll Go". The rhythm is identical to that book, and the word choice is pretty similar as well. I'm not saying that the stanza is childish (Seuss is actually quite an amazing writer with tons of pieces that could only be fully appreciated by an adult). I do think that the stanza is sing-songy compared to the rest and has a light, almost silly, quality to it.

I always hope for strong opening and ending stanzas. The opening was good, but the ending didn't move me at all.

The rhymes don't do much for me or add much to the poem. The "go/go" rhyme is a bit lame, by the way. The word "go" is boring, and using it twice as part of the rhyme pattern? It could be better. The only rhyme that I actually like is the slant rhyme in the first stanza-- "whole/full".

Overall, I think the piece is good but could use some revision. The "And never given entry" line is my least favorite by far, and I would definitely change it. The fourth stanza could use some work if you want a serious tone. I think that the idea in the beginning was super clever! If this was my piece, I would consider removing the third and fourth stanzas as leave it as a short, contemplative, and solidly written poem. For me, the third and fourth stanzas really need some work because, at the moment, they drag down the glory of the first two. I did enjoy the poem, and I think it is worth reading. If you decide to revise, I would love to give it another read!


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427
427
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I like the technique of using a questionnaire or application to introduce the character! Pretty fun idea.

The dialogue seemed very natural and pushed the story along at a good pace.

Observations & Suggestions:

The answers on the questionnaire could have told the reader a bit more about the character. It's a great writing device, but it could have been utilized a bit better.

The piece needs a grammar edit. There are missing and misplaced commas floating around throughout. If you need help with that, feel free to shoot me an email. *Smile*

There seemed to be next to no descriptions or imagery in the piece. It felt a bit stark really. Lots of action... the character was doing things, but I got no strong vibes about the setting(s). I'm not a huge fan of lengthy descriptions, but this piece is sort of barren. I would consider providing some so that the reader can visualize what's going on a bit better.

It seemed like there were tons of compound predicates in this piece. It distracted me a little. "I double check and hand" "I turn around and go" "They run and give" "I smile and turn".

One of the reasons that this was so noticeable is the sentence structure and length. Most of the story is written in short, choppy sentences. Simple sentences mostly. It made the piece sound to me like a child was telling the story. "This happened and that happened. Then this. Then that." Know what I mean?

The "abnormal" part didn't come through for me. The main character didn't seen strange in the slightest to me. Actually, I didn't feel like I got to know the main character much at all. Some more characterizations in general would be a great idea!

Somehow, the story wasn't super entertaining for me. The lack of description, short choppy sentences, minimal characterization... perhaps they all combined into a dull sort of read. It isn't boring or tedious... just not interesting. I was expecting something quirky, fun, and well... abnormal.

Overall, I think this is a good rough draft. You seem to have the bare bones of a story here. The dialogue works, and it could be an interesting idea. I think that somehow you should give the reader more to work with-- more character, more detail, more imagery, more something. It is a good start though! If you decide to edit, revise, or add to the story, I would be happy to give it another read and change my rating if needed. *Smile*

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428
428
Review of Ask the wind  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

Some of the dialogue was pretty natural sounding, and it really pushed along the pace, which is good.

Observations & Suggestions:

First, the typos in this piece were killing me! There are seriously typos everywhere, so I had to stop reading to figure out what you meant here and there. That is certainly the first thing to fix. It's just distracting. *Wink* There are grammar issues around as well-- some seem like the same type of rushed errors as the typos and some are less obvious. I'll go through a few of those.

"The lady paced back and fourth nervously beyond the three golden thrones.The king rested his head on his hand and the queen stared at the lady nervously."

First of all, two uses of "nervously" this close together is overkill. Second, both are misplaced... they are "dangling modifiers," a grammar error that is not-so-obvious. *Wink* The adverb needs to be next to the word it is modifying. "The lady paced nervously back and forth" or "The lady nervously paced back and forth". "The queen stared nervously at the lady". A subtle but important difference.

"The two women mutter out." Ending a sentence with a preposition is frowned upon. The phrase "mutter out" is weird actually-- how is "mutter out" differed than "mutter". Second, "mutter" is present tense, and the story is written in past tense. This is not the only tense lapse in the piece either, so I'd watch for that. Third, you used an exclamation point and then said they "muttered"? That seemed slightly odd.

Okay... no more grammar. A few other punctuation types of things that are not grammar:

I would avoid using "..." in a story. What is wrong with "I have a question." and "I see. Inform them"?

Also, using "?!" has a sloppy, txt-message sort of look. One or the other would be good. *Wink*

The "I haven't seen t-them" doesn't work very well. "t" and "th" make different sounds, so wouldn't it be "th-them"? I'm not a huge fan of stuttering text in general, but if you use it, try not to over do it. Overuse could drive readers away.

So, I'm done with the nitpicky stuff! Promise!

There are a few things that I would try to work on in this intro:

Characterization. None of the characters have strong personalities yet. The dialogue seems sort of interchangeable too-- like anyone could be saying each line. I think that is an issue caused by the lack of characterization.

The conversational tone seemed like an odd choice for an intro that was almost entirely dialogue. We've had enough actual conversation to make the added conversational tone seem like overkill. It's just very chatty sounding.

Maybe I missed something or maybe you need to develop the first part more, but I had no idea why the story was suddenly jumping ahead 3 years. It seemed... random somehow. I like the device-- I think it's fun. I just wish that it served more of a purpose in the story.

Overall, I think that this little intro needs lots more work if you want to hook people and entice them to read further. A little TLC can go a long way though. If you decide to revise, I would be happy to give it another read and change my rating if needed. *Smile*


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429
429
Review of GAMBLING  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I think that many people will be able to relate to this piece. Even those who do not gamble may have had similar experiences with something else.

You have some nice details throughout. That is what kept me reading.

The tone at the end is hopeful and appreciative. Sometimes, people might say they are hopeful and appreciative, but the tone does not lighten accordingly. You did well with that.

Observations & Suggestions:

This desperately needs a grammar edit. Starting with the very first sentence, there were issues. "To some[,] gambling..." There are similar grammar errors throughout, and they make the piece harder to read. I might recommend separating this into paragraphs as well. You do cover numerous "topics" within this piece, and each one should have it's own paragraph. Not only is that proper formatting that makes the piece easier to follow, it would make it physically easier on the eyes. *Wink*

When editing, watch for passive voice. Generally, it is a weaker way to word things, and you use it constantly. There are some odd tense issues as well.

"gambling was becoming" rather than "became" or "had become". This is a perfect example of passive voice.

"it had taken many years before I realized what this act was doing" Okay, this is just worded strangely. "It had taken years TO" or "It took many years before" both seem more natural, and "was doing" is passive voice again. I would consider "It took many years to realize what this act had done".

These are just two examples so that you can spot the others. They happen all the time and got a bit exhausting to read after a while.

Quick fix: "I had tired controlling my gambling". Typo... "tried".

Usually, I try not to harp on grammar and structure too much, but for me, it drowned out the content. If it distracts from the content, it is time to edit. *Wink* It also made the piece feel like work to read, which hindered my enjoyment. Sorry if the grammar/structure critique isn't what you want to hear, but that is the strongest suggestion I can make in this case.

The "story" itself is interesting, but there aren't many details in there. I liked reading the effects (empty pockets, unpaid bills, etc), but I almost wanted some more specifics. I don't generally suggest making pieces longer, but I think that this piece would be more effective with specific examples. People might relate even more to them than to the general description. I know I probably would. This is more of an observation than a genuine suggestion though.

Overall, I think this could be very effective! Some tweaks here and there would make the piece easier to read and more entertaining-- and some kind of entertainment value is needed for this type of narrative. If it isn't "fun" or "intriguing", why would people read it? I think that it has real promise, but it isn't quite there yet. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read and change my rating if required. *Smile*


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430
430
Review of beginning of book  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I like the "baby vomit" line. For some reason, that amused me and sounded pretty natural.

The two year old would be perfect and creepy for a horror story... love it! For a romance? Not entirely sure about that.

This is short, concise, and moves the story along. It reads very much like YA (young adult) fiction to me. Everything about it just really has that vibe. The very early paragraph that describes the person is also a calling card of YA, and the comments of the main character seem pretty teenager. I tend to like YA fiction once in a while.

Observations & Suggestions:

Perhaps this is a pet peeve of mine, but I thought I'd mention it: describing a pretty girl with low-self esteem is annoying to me. If she "hates the red highlights to no end," dye it. Perhaps I just dislike people like this in real life, but I pretty much despised the "I'm nothing special" -insert very special description with icy eyes, big lips, natural red highlights- "I hate something about the way I look". Do you see the annoyance factor in there? It isn't like the was slightly plump with monotone brown hair (medium length), brown eyes, slightly too-large nose, lips a little too thin-- see, this is how I would describe a normal, "nothing special" type... they could be pretty... very pretty. But they don't sound super hot. *Wink*

The intro was a tiny bit confusing. I think that the wording of "I would not have said that I do" got reversed in my mind, because I thought it said "I would have said that I do". Negating "I do" is not the strongest way to get the message across maybe. I might consider trying "I would have said no". It is also fitting for the concise YA tone you have going.

The coffee detail also screams YA! If you're writing YA, you're doing a better job of it that I could. If it's meant to be adult fiction... it doesn't fit the bill. Anyway, drinking coffee every morning and being grouchy without it is so common as to be boring-- unless it is a teenager. So again, I loooove this for a YA piece.

Finally, the creepy toddler: I love this, as I adore horror! You didn't say anything about it being in the horror genre though. So... 2 year olds do not talk like this. Complete sentences?... calling herself "Anastasia" and being understandable?... Introducing her brother like an adult would? Again, super creepy! I was waiting for the kid's head to spin around. *Laugh* The grammar is too right-on, the complete sentences are completely false to me, and in general, it is an unrealistic conversation for anything but horror I think.

On a side note, I would probably avoid using Annabelle and Anastasia together. Both start with An... they're the same length... they look super similar. I bet people will get them mixed up. In fact, I wondered why Anastasia introduced herself twice until I started my review and noticed the difference. *Wink*

Overall, I think this could be an interesting story, but it's too soon to tell. For a love/romance, it hasn't really started because there is no love interest. I do think this is a great start for a YA horror book, but I have no idea if that was intended.


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431
431
Review of Derailed  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
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Things I Like:

You have some really nice details in this piece.

I like the breeze from the train snapping her out of it enough to get onboard. Super nice detail there. Sort of hiding her legs under the seat... another nice detail.

Line like this one, "I must have said the words aloud because the echo filled the empty subway, sending unwanted shivers down my spine." really shine as well. It has just enough detail to set the tone, but it isn't overly descriptive. *Thumbsup*

The pace is really fast! The few times that I started getting bored, you switched gears. It's like you read my future mind. *Laugh*


Observations & Suggestions:

I don't feel like I got to know the character very well. Her motives are unclear. If some guy was dying and tried to hand me a package, I'd have dropped it next to his body and taken off. If I was in shock and carried it on the train, I'd have left it there. If I somehow still had it when I got off the train, I'd have dumped it. Know what I mean? Why did this foolish woman keep the stupid package? I kept wanting to yell at her horror-movie-style to get rid of it already!

"I looked at the man laying at my feet"... Unless the guy was laying bricks or something at her feet, I'm thinking "the man lying". *Wink*

"I... must have stepped into something." The "into" isn't the best preposition to use in this case. You might step "into" a room or a lamp post. You step "in" something on the ground. A weird distinction, but I've never seen "into" used in quite this way. As it is dialogue, it seems more natural to say "I stepped in something" too.

"I felt the panic rise in me and my own voice telling me to leave" Did you "feel" your own voice? It seems strange to me. I might hear my voice in my head or think to myself, but I don't "feel" my voice. I would consider adding a compound predicate here I "felt and heard" or "felt and thought" or something?

I was just beginning to get bored with the on-the-train paranoia when the character jumped off the train. You didn't get stuck in a rut or go on too long with it. I like that the men jumped up to follow her too. To me, it said that whoever killed the guy was after her now.

"we agreed on the near by Subway" This totally confused me at first. I think I read it like 4 times before it name any sense to me. The reason: "nearby" is one word. Split like that, I kept thinking you were missing a word or something. *Facepalm* It took that long just to recognize "near by" as "nearby". Maybe I'm slow! *Laugh*

The woman's shock at the pages of code seemed weird to me. She is just some random person (something I was sure of long before the ending), but she freaks out when she sees some code? That makes no sense to me. The fact that the code was typed and printed made no sense to me either really... seems like an awful lot of work to retype from that copy if they could have just saved it to a flash drive or something.

"Before the man opened the door a gunshot could be heard and. in the next" That period crept in there by accident I think. Quick fix.

"just to get his attention but I knew I couldn't. Neither could I reveal my presence." The use of "neither" seems weird here, as getting his attention would CAUSE her to reveal herself. "I couldn't, as it would reveal my presence" or something would make more sense to me.

"The echo of the guy's shoes kept inching closer" This reminds me of an old radio show for some reason... or maybe a campfire ghost story? I think that "shoes inched closer" is more dramatic and genuine sounding. "kept inching closer" is more melodramatic than dramatic in my mind.

The final line seems weak to me compared to the rest of the piece. The fact that she was on vacation didn't surprise me, make me smile, or make me feel anything at all really. This is a pretty tightly written little story, but the end was super anticlimactic for me.

Overall, I think this is a decent little story. It has potential, but I don't think it's super good at the moment. A bit of editing could be helpful, but really, her character just seemed unrealistic to me in the end. This is just some normal woman on vacation, and she keeps/decides to deliver a package. Why? Some inkling of a motivation would be really helpful. The story was fun despite my urge to slap this woman though! *Laugh* The little details really saved it for me. Those are what kept me reading.

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432
432
Review of Short Stories  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I hate seeing folders go unrated. It just looks weird in a port to have all starless items. *Laugh* I only read one piece in this folder, but it was good! I'm sure the others are too. You got me in the mood for more horror though, and you don't have anymore in there. Wow, do you flit around the genres! Good practice I guess. Any chance of more horror creeping in there soon? *Wink*

Of course, I could read some of the other stories too, but right now, I'm thinking horror.


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433
433
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
I'm a guest judge for this round of the "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem ContestOpen in new Window., and I thought that I would offer a little feedback on your entry. Remember, I'm just one judge, and the decision on who receives prizes is not mine to make. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I like that the man got some help.

Observations & Suggestions:

The way the sisters were gossiping about the homeless man, walking faster to get past him, and then going over just to inspect him, with no mention of offering him money, food, or help-- all together, it made me think they were just cruel, catty types. I didn't enjoy reading their conversation, which just seemed callous to me. The fact that they only offered to help him with money that they found on the sidewalk-- not something of their own-- did little to change that.

Perhaps the characterization went awry somewhere, but they didn't seem like "nice" people to me. The man isn't some sort of attraction to be ogled and gossiped about, right? Being super happy about helping someone with money that didn't even belong to them seemed a bit... well... self-satisfied or something I guess.

Somehow, I doubt that this is what you were going for. Right? I would consider rewriting this to show some emotions in them... like, sadness for the man, wishing they could do something... maybe walking over to him to give him some of the fruit they just bought instead of just to look him over? Instead of walking faster to get past him into the store, they should just continue strolling as normal. The "I saw him panhandling with a sign that said HELP THE HOMELESS", she could preface it by saying, "It was heartbreaking seeing him panhandling" or something like that.

Basically, anything you could do to make these women seem likable would be an improvement. If they were supposed to be gossipy types who helped just because there was money on the ground, that's fine... but the ending wasn't satisfying. Know what I mean?

On a side note, the story really needs a thorough edit for grammar. *Wink*

Overall, I think that this could be a heartwarming little story, but as it was, I got the wrong vibe from the sisters, which made it unenjoyable to read. If you decide to revise or have any questions about what I mean in this review... feel free to email me. *Smile*


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434
434
Review of Haruki  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I'm a judge for this round of the "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem ContestOpen in new Window. and though I would provide a little feedback for your story. *Smile* Remember, I'm just one judge and do not have the final say on who receives awards.

Some things I Like:

I liked the Japanese and cultural differences you used throughout the story. The reader could never forget that she was a foreigner.

The story itself is pretty interesting... the girl stuck in Japan, totally out of place. That was far more interesting than the romance.

Observations & Suggestions:

The writing was mostly short, simple sentences. It gave the story a choppy sort of flow that I'm not a huge fan of. It made the piece sound like an automatic writing at times. In general, it hindered my enjoyment. I can see why you might have wanted to do this on purpose-- but it didn't work well for me.

I was surprised that he said she was in a "black world" in her head. She didn't seem like an overly dark character to me. More like a typical over-emotional teen rather than someone in a dark place. Know what I mean?

I also thought it was a bit odd that she reacted the way she did in the beginning-- wanting to hide-- if she knew Haruki and his brother fairly well already. At least, she seemed to be familiar with them-- if not, the story moved insanely fast. Like, one second she was embarrassed, and he turned and walked away without a word. The next, she was in his room. Odd.

This seemed to me like the bare-bones of a story that needs more detail. More characterization for her and Haruki would have made each event in the story seem less random and would have made me care a bit more about her. As it was, I didn't really care what happened to her in the end. She was just some teen living in Japan with a crush on a neighbor. Know what I mean? The depth would have come in through telling more about her background. For instance, having her interact with the step-mother would have been a good vehicle to show her personality and give the reader a glimpse into her sad existence. Just an example of how you might have worked in more of a character for her.

Overall, I think that this is an alright little story that could use some more development. Developing her character more would be helpful. A bit more varied sentence structure would have helped to keep the story from sounding monotonous as well.


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435
435
Review of Lease On LIfe  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! I'm a judge for this round of the "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem ContestOpen in new Window., and after reading your story, I thought I would leave you some quick feedback. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

The idea is cute. Every year, little known to us, people have to take out a new lease on life... which they quickly forget about. It's a novel idea that reminded me somewhat of the twilight zone.

The voice was very clear in this story, though she sounded more like an annoyed teenager than a grown woman. I would think that an adult would just want to sign the thing and get on with life already, but maybe that's just me.

The dream-like quality was fairly interesting too. Some of it was pretty amusing. I particularly liked the detail of the desk being holiday themed with layers of paint. For some reason, that detail stood out to me.

Observations & Suggestions:

The intro seemed to go on for much longer than necessary, at least to me. I got rather bored just waiting around for her to do something. It gave you plenty of time to describe the surroundings, but it also gives the reader too much time to stop caring what the purpose is. The name of the story sort of gave away what was going to happen... so I was just waiting for it. It seemed like a rather long time for someone to fight against something as simple as signing their name... something that people have to do constantly and takes 5 seconds.

The length also added a wee bit of annoyance for me because you raised questions and didn't answer them for ages. That type of purposeful confusion, if not resolved quickly, can drive readers away. Like the "Which card did it this time?" question, which I thought was strange. "Did what?" I had to wait forever to hear what that was supposed to mean. I might consider something like "triggered it this time" by the way... it would alert the reader to something being not-quite-right from the beginning, which could lessen confusion.

That is an odd detail... that a birthday card would trigger this scenario year after year. Quite quirky. *Wink* I like quirky.

The pregnancy twist was cute. The ending in general was much more fun than the intro-- it was a bit more concise and flowed much faster. The snap back to reality was pretty seamless too.

The grammar was pretty solid in this piece, by the way. I did notice a little typo here that I thought you might want to fix sometime:

"I reluctantly look down at the birthday card that started this who process." I imagine that is supposed to be "whole process". I hate those types of typos... so hard to catch! I find them in my own stories now and then too.

Overall, I think this is a super cute idea, and it was executed very well once she got around to signing the lease. Before that, it was a bit tedious for my taste, but mine is just one opinion, right? *Smile* Good luck with the contest!


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436
436
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello! I am a guest judge for this round of the "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem ContestOpen in new Window., and after reading your story, I thought I would offer some feedback. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

Stories like this are the reason I love judging newbie contests. Very nicely written.

The intro hooked me. The manner in which you tell the reader that the man is an artist was brilliant. I loved it. The colors compared to the grayscale of snow and dirt were lovely. Happy colorful times had turned to this stark reality for the man... you painted it quite well using this technique. The "reds and blues and yellows" covered in snow had a similar effect that I very much appreciate.

The story is a simple one, and you told it well.

Observations & Suggestions:

A few things about the story:

When asked "What are you doing here?" I thought that "I was an artist" was a strange response. My first thought was, "You didn't answer the question." Just thought I'd mention it. Very convenient for the purpose of the story... it pushed the plot along, but it seemed strange to me.

I think that testing the man to see if he was lying led to an interesting story, but it also seemed somewhat strange. Like, why would the soldier care who he was or what he was after hearing his Jewish name? I would think that the conversation would have ended with "Gottlieb". Probably unavoidable, as the "story" happens because of this conversation, but it had a ring of falsity to it somehow. Know what I mean?

Despite the events happening in, what to me, seemed like an unrealistic scenario, the story was quite nice really. I tend to write often about the process of writing and creating artwork myself, so I quite enjoyed the descriptions of the artists work. The little story had an artistic sort of flair to it as well... poetic in its way.

As much as I love the description-heavy intro, by the end of the third paragraph, I was growing slightly bored with it. I was more than ready for something to happen. It wasn't so much the length of the descriptive paragraphs as the repetitive quality. The list of rooms, another list of memories. It became rather tedious by the end, though I like the individual details. The only thing that I can point out that I would definitely change is the repetition of "like me" at the end of paragraph two. It would have been more effective for me as just 'hiding in daylight, shivering in the night... like me'. Lovely line, by the way.

For what it's worth, I greatly prefer the original ending to the alternative. Both are well written, but I prefer the abruptness of the first. The dialogue is beautiful in its simplicity and slightly more open to interpretation (which I love). The Nazi shooting so that the page would think he killed the artist and then leaving gloves... I prefer that type of romantic ending to the more literal finding-his-love-again romance. I really love the original ending, while the second would have been fitting but anticlimactic.

A few small things:

"The memories come easy--until they don't." --Easily. It is modifying the verb.

"'Go.' The captain's voice has turned bitterly chiil" --Typo. Chill

And some odd comma-usage throughout... a few examples:

"I hear his boots, deafening on the hardwood floor move slowly around from behind to my left." Comma needed after "floor".

"The night air through the broken windows is chill, but not biting" No comma needed after "chill". It isn't wrong... but it isn't needed and makes the line flow strangely I think.

"Slow, soft flakes of gossamer drift through the moonlight pouring in, and over the shattered reds and blues and yellows of the old window" No comma needed after "in". In fact, this is a bizarre place for one and really should not be there.

"Now, the rats have become the only residents here in Warsaw, and have been my only company for these past weeks" This is a compound predicate: 'rats have become and have been'... no comma after Warsaw.

Overall, I think that this is beautifully written. If my review seems nitpicky, it is because it could be. The writing itself is beautifully done, regardless of grammar snafus here and there or random plot oddities. I wish you lots of luck in the contest and would not be at all surprised if you placed with this story. *Smile*

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437
437
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi! I'm a guest judge for this round of the "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem ContestOpen in new Window., and after reading your story, I thought that I would offer you some feedback. Keep in mind that this is just my opinion and that Sisco has the final say in any awards given. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

The imagery in the story is quite good. It is pretty much dripping with modifiers, which is an interesting contrast to the cold-unfeeling characters I think. There were times when I felt that the adjectives got a bit overpowering, but that is a matter of opinion. I tend to like less-descriptive writing that lets me use my imagination more... but again, that is a matter of taste.

The characterization is sufficient in my opinion. He is sort of a cold-calculating sort of character, which comes across quite well.

The writing itself is pretty good for the most part, despite some grammar problems that made the story harder to understand than necessary at times.

Observations & Suggestions:

There were some comma issues in this piece. A few examples:

The slight calm in the eddy caused by the sandbar and the clump of willow, was just enough to let him breathe carefully without inhaling water.

This one confused me at first. Had to reread to figure out why there was a random comma in front of the predicate. You're missing the first comma-- should go just after "eddy". "...eddy, caused by"

While he listened he started the mental and physical exercises

You need a comma after "listened". This error happened a number of times, actually. You got it right sometimes and missed it other times. Something to watch for.

A few more random grammar issues:

“The mind is the key!” his father had said, “The mind is the key!

This is basically a run-on sentence. The second quotation is not a continuation of the first... so "his father had said" should end with a period rather than a comma.

As he did so, he stepped on the boy's ankle. It rolled under his foot. The water erupted in blinding spray. He never saw the dagger that caught him under the chin and drove into his brain.

Be careful of those pronouns! "The boy's ankle"... "his foot". Whose foot? The reader can figure out which "he" you're talking about, but they shouldn't have to figure it out for themselves. After mentioning the boy, reaffirm that you're talking about the ninja. It will make for a less confusing read.

In general, the end had far too many pronouns for my taste. For instance:

By the time the boy was five, any muscle he chose would twitch, swell, or ripple. He learned to slow his breathing and heartbeat to appear dead to casual examination. At the age of eight, a doctor would have found it difficult to decide that he lived. He learned to lie for hours naked in a snowbank without discomfort. He learned how to live in his mind, aware of his surroundings, but unaffected by them.

He had learned well these and other lessons his father had taught


This is six sentences... four of which begin with "he learned". It gets very monotonous.

Overall, I think the story itself was pretty interesting. I thought that the aspects of training with the father were far more interesting than the beginning, but I was relatively interested in finding out why the kid was submerged in water like that. It's a pretty good hook. This is not a bad effort! I would give it a thorough edit for grammar and clarity just to smooth out the reading experience, but the story basics are there. *Smile* Well done and good luck with the contest!

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438
438
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
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Things I Like:

I'm rather particular about rhymes and their function. If they don't serve a strong purpose, there is no reason to have them, generally. The rhymes in this piece give the poem sort of a sing-song and lighthearted quality. As the subject matter is dark, it gives the piece a nice satirical tone. This is a technique that I quite like when done well, and I think that you did.

Many of the lines are strong. I think that my favorite is "and paused thereon to hush a wince". I don't usually love beginning lines with "and", but it works for this one, and I love "hush a wince"... quieting a facial expression... it's that weird swapping of senses that I just love! I do it often myself, in fact. *Laugh*

The pronoun "she" could have gotten out of hand in this poem. The first few lines had more mentions of "she" than I personally would use, but they don't bog down the wording too much. I was impressed at how well the pronouns in general worked in the poem, as too many pronouns drive me nuts usually, and this poem does have what I would call "too many". Somehow, it works though.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are a few lines or phrasing choices that didn't work that well for me. Here are a few of them, in no particular order:

"to recall what she had forgot" The flow is iffy in this line, but my bigger problem is the "had forgot". It has the effect of listening to someone grind their teeth for me. Including grammatical errors to make a slant-rhyme? Pfft... I know you could do better than that. *Wink*

"she wound up falling on the floor" This is just super conversational. "wound" also seems like a strange choice in a poem about violence, as it is spelled the same as, say, "a bleeding wound". Now, this could be cleverly done, but it isn't. "wound up" is also a very conversational phrase that doesn't fit well with the formal tone throughout (therein, therefore, etc). I would consider:

"she fell upon the filthy floor" or "the pristine floor" or the "something floor". Basically, the wording right now is not concise, which means you're missing an opportunity to slip in a modifier. This poem is not packed to the gills with imagery, so you might as well include some. It would add a bit of setting too, which could be nice.

"for if she cried therefore he'd wake". This line just seemed sloppy to me. I would rewrite the entire thing, personally. There isn't a single bit of it that I like. The meaning is fitting for the poem, but the way it is said doesn't work for me... it just sounds awkward.

A few other notes:

When you first mentioned "the baby' I began to wonder if this "she" wasn't really a child whose father beat her or something. I assumed I missed something, as the child was going back for a doll. There was no way, in my mind, that the baby could have been real.

The end of the poem struck me as almost laughably false. No one would leave her BABY in an abusive situation while she escaped herself. And to forget completely about the baby? That is far beyond reason in my opinion. I don't care how distraught the woman was, no one is going to forget that they have a baby! An older child, the woman could possibly consider leaving I guess, but a baby? I don't buy that for a second. For me, it dramatically harmed the poem because I could not relate, on any level, to this person. She went from being the victim in my mind to being a victimizer of sorts... so intent of getting herself to safety that she would forget entirely about her own baby. Know what I mean?

There are a few places where the flow is off a tad-- not super important, but I might try reading the poem aloud. If you stumble at all or need to change your rhythm, edit the line. I find that it works pretty well usually.

Some word choice could use some work as well. For instance, in a poem this short, I see no reason to repeat words other than small, connector sorts (articles, prepositions, pronouns, etc).

For instance, "floor" is used twice in close proximity. These things slip into my poetry sometimes too, but unless there is a good reason to repeat, the poem will be stronger without the repetition. I would consider keeping the stronger of the two, regardless of the rhyme. "falling on the floor"... boring. "the floor received her sweated prints"... awesome!

Overall, I like the poem. I think that the writing has strong moments, the narrative is pretty strong, in general, it is pretty good. I might work a bit on the word choice and flow. The ending for me struck the wrong chord-- disbelief and mild annoyance was the reaction that it got from me. Keep it or change it... that's up to you. I did want to share my view of it though. The lines that I suggested changing were just a few examples, but I believe there is plenty of room for improvement in this poem. The poem is also worth that kind of fine-tooth revision in my opinion. It's a very nice start.


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439
439
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Here you go! *Smile*

Some things I Like:

This has a vaugely Tales from the Crypt type of vibe. I dig that.

The story itself is fairly amusing I think.

Observations & Suggestions:

The first thing that really struck me here is that the characters aren't super well-developed. I didn't care enough about the detective to feel much of anything at his demise. I think the cyclic ending was fun, but I didn't really care what happened to the original detective.

There was a little bit of foreshadowing. Somehow, the reader will know that the kid is creepy.

The child of 8 says that she wants her dinner, which was alright. This though seemed a bit forced and odd to me: "Glad to hear it mother, and remember I want my dinner. I will just go to my cave in the garden and get things ready for our visitor [...]"

When I first read it, somehow I thought that the teenager had shown up for some reason. Perhaps it is only my tipsy state, but it confused me briefly. I think that making a bigger show of the girl leaving would be good. I sort of missed it, thinking she was still around. When she reappeared, I thought she had never left and assumed it was a new person. Again, could just be my foolish state. Or maybe the girl leaving should be closer to the woman telling the detective that he should leave? Anyway, thought I'd mention it.

The diary interjected into the middle seemed a bit odd. I LOVE reading diaries and journals in stories... consider it a voyeuristic thing, but I do enjoy that. These journal entries though seemed to come out of nowhere in the middle of a scene. I would consider integrating them better, moving them to the beginning, or somehow making them seem less like a "I'm going to give you this info so the ending will make sense" sort of thing. Know what I mean?

Backtracking for a moment, I think that it could be good to make the text message in the beginning read more like a txt msg. Something like:

"Sry so short. Teenage girl, Carla. Jamerson mansion. Kids gone her fault! Pure evil!"

Something short, abrupt, but still readable would better convey to the reader the urgency and that it was supposed to be a text. I have to admit, that I was a bit confused rather than drawn in by the opening line.

Finally, there are some grammar issues and typos in here. Might want to give it a quick clean-up! I've found that reading the piece aloud helps to find those places where what you meant doesn't match what you wrote. The vs. they and such can be spotted that way.

Overall, not a bad read. It could use some polish though... most notably: working the journal entries into the story so that they don't seem like a random interjection. Still, it was pretty fun. *Smile*


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440
440
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I'm one of the judges for this round of the "DreamTime Dragon's Poem ContestOpen in new Window.. I just thought I'd drop a quick review for you, as I do tend to read a bit of your poetry and don't recall ever reviewing one of your poems. *Wink*

Things I Like:

I do love ballads, particularly those with strong narratives. The meter is nearly perfect in this poem, and the words flow well too (as you know, one does not necessarily ensure the other).

The imagery is sufficient for poetic effect without overpowering the story. I think that is an easy trap to fall into, especially for a fantasy poem. Very nicely balanced really.

The narrative itself kept my interest, which is a plus.

The phrasing never seemed needlessly repetitive, as can sometimes be the case in poems that tell stories. You spaced the repeated words (like "magic") far enough apart so that they did not grate my nerves... I appreciate that very much! *Wink*

The dialogue was very well integrated. It seemed quite effortless.

The opening and closing stanzas are particularly strong. I tend to look for that in poetry. A strong beginning and an equally strong ending are ideal. They both relate very closely to the prompt for the contest too, which is fitting.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are just a few places where the meter is off. I'm going to mention the few that really threw off my reading:

"her plea mingled with tears"

The stress on the second syllable in "mingle" is just too weird for me. "Mingle" is naturally stressed on the first syllable. My tongue strongly dislikes this, and if I try to compensate for it by changing the rhythm with a double unstressed syllable before or after, it simply doesn't work. I would consider revising the line. I do love the meaning and the individual word choice-- this is just for the sake of the rhythm.

"touching the ancient dragon's heart,"

This line, likewise, slips out of iambic rhythm, which isn't a problem in similar lines (like "swearing protection - for a price"), but it caused problems for me here. Perhaps it is because my rhythm was already thrown by the "mingled" line before it. Not sure, but I thought I'd mention that it tripped me up.

Those are really the only two lines where the shifts in rhythm made me stumble.

I suppose that I could keep finding things to say about this poem, but really, it is just a solid piece. The writing is simply well-done, and I found it to be an enjoyable read. Cheers! *Smile*

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441
441
Review of My Uncles  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem made an impression on me. I read it ages ago, as mentioned before, and I didn't forget it. I liked it just as much this time.

Some things I Like:

The first stanza is amazing! I just adore it. On first read, I questioned using the phrase "Out of the way" rather than simply "away", but I like the subtle difference in meaning it provides now. I think that "away" would sound nicer, but the meaning plus the way the phrase looks considering the line breaks makes up for it. I love the action... very animated. I also love the use of "loaded". Very nice.

In general, I like your line breaks. There were only a few that I might tweak. The one that really jumps out at me is "Of a clear soul"... I do this sometimes myself, but "of a" is a weak line starter. Otherwise, very strong lines on their own.

The second stanza is strong as well. The "batting baffled eyelashes away" is my favorite line by far. Normally, I would find it distracting to use "lashy" and "eyelashes" so close together, but it works pretty well.

The third stanza loses the momentum of the first two, but it has some great lines. The curtain line is awesome, and the first line is pretty good. The last three don't really "do it for me" as much as the rest of the poem. Similarly, the last two lined stanza didn't grab me.

Observations & Suggestions:

It is sort of a shame that the poem didn't end as strongly as it began. There are some issues in the third stanza too.

The first three lines are talking about the eyebrows, the last two are about the uncles themselves... yet there is no punctuation to indicate that you're switching topics. There are grammar issues throughout actually... missing commas being the most notable. Also period where commas belong "Black thick and deep[,] they held happy expressions"

The second stanza has a few things that I might consider editing as well. First, two of the lines begin with "they verb-beginning-with-H", which I found distracting. Second, there are some odd tenses here:

"They hit the ceiling of their hairline"

They and their used together like this is a bit awkward, but I wont get into that. The tense issue: They and Their are plural... ceiling and hairline are singular. It should be "They hit the ceilings of their hairlines" if you're talking about numerous sets of eyebrows or "They hit the ceiling of his hairline" if you're talking about just one set of eyebrows.

Finally, as mentioned, the last 5 lines weren't as engaging for me. The last two seemed unnecessary... something of a weak repeat of the two lines before them. Of course, this is your poem to do with what you will, but if it was mine, I'd cut the last two lines altogether and try to strengthen the third line of the third stanza so that the two that follow will be better supported. If that doesn't make sense, shoot me an email and I'll try to explain better. *Laugh*

Overall, I love the poem! The first stanza is the best part by far, in my opinion. It hooked me and is very memorable. Some small revisions in the second stanza would make it as strong as the first. I'd play around the the third stanza, but then, I like playing with poetry-- writing and rewriting. *Wink* This is a seriously enjoyable piece though... Very well done.

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442
442
Review of Fear is...  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I like some of the individual things that fear is. *Wink* In particular, "the gravity that keeps you low" is very nice.

The final line is an interesting way to end the poem. I can appreciate the meaning of this little piece.

Observations & Suggestions:

To me, repetition should be used only if it serves a strong purpose in the poem. Saying "Fear is" 5 times is not that effective. For me, the repetition of "fear is" just means that you use the word "is" five times, and forms of "to be" are boring usually. Look at all the great words you have in this poem:

gravity, enemy, brick, tightly knit, ignorant, afraid

Those are nice, strong words! Is the word "is" interesting or strong line those? If not, why repeat it? *Smile*

I might suggest a bit of editing to remove most of the "fear is" phrases. Maybe something like this (just an example):

Fear is the gravity that keeps you low,
the greatest enemy.
Fear is that brick wall that holds you back
and keeps you ignorant.
Fear is tightly knit with doubt.

Cutting just two of the phrases is an improvement I think. Again though, this is just an example of what you could do if you chose.

I was curious is there was a significance to the order of the phrases as well. All of the "fear" lines talk about fear in relation to "you"... all of them except "Fear is tightly knit with doubt". That sentence describes fear itself without relating it to "you"... so in my mind, it is different than the others. I would put that one last, personally.

I like quirky things like "dot. dot. Amen", but I don't think it suits this poem that well. Just my opinion.

Overall, I think you have a nice start! Your phrasing is quite nice, you have some good word choice going on, the flow is nice, but I do think that you have lots of room for revision here. I would definitely save a copy of this piece and then start playing with it. Rearrange, rewrite, play around... you never know what you might end up with! *Smile*


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443
443
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I like that you wrote the poem in present tense. Generally, I find poems more engaging if there is action going on in the present rather than in the past. *Smile*

Your word choice is strong at times, and the flow is pretty good for the most part too.

Observations & Suggestions:

I think that this poem could use some general editing for grammar as well as some line tightening. Something like "I can feel" means the same thing as "I feel", so why not use "I feel"? Just an example of the type of tightening I think could be helpful. As for grammar, you have 5 sentences in the first stanza and only two periods. That is grammatically impossible. *Wink* I might suggest a period after "it's not shared" and a period after "in the corner". A thorough grammar edit is still a good idea though... there are some missing commas around as well.

"I can feel me smiling" Now, I understand what you're saying here, but it's sort of a weird way to say it. "I can feel me"... to me that is a bit unusual somehow. *Wink* I might consider a change that could work in some interesting wording as well. Maybe something like: "I feel my smile growing" or something? Basically, it swaps the word "can", slightly boring, with "growing", a bit more snazzy. Just an example of course.

The final line in the first stanza is a bit long for the flow. It tripped me up a bit when reading. Seems at least a beat too long.

"bring me up a smile" is also a bit awkward for me. "Bring me up" seems like a regional colloquialism or something... I've never heard it used that way before.

The final stanza seems a bit abrupt compared to the rest of the poem. I don't mind the gradual tapering down of stanzas, but there's nothing to latch onto in that last stanza. The language is very conversational, with lots of small words that don't demand attention. The final line in the second stanza is similar too... there are no eye-catching words in there, and the line sounds short and choppy when read aloud.

Overall, I think this is a good effort! With some revision, I think the poem could be quite nice too. I don't mean to discourage you at all, as I think the poem has promise. Besides, it never hurts to play with your poetry... save a copy, revise/rewrite, repeat. *Thumbsup* You never know what amazing thing you could come up with!


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444
444
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm one of the judge's for the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.! Keep in mind that I am just one judge out of three, but I wanted to offer you a little bit of feedback. My opinions are just that... my opinions. They do not necessarily reflect what the other judges think. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I just wanted to give you a quick review to say that I think this poem is lovely. The rhythm is beautifully done, your word choice is spot on, and I like the sentiment.

The opening stanza is particularly strong, in my opinion. I love the first line. It drew me into the poem immediately! The second to last stanza is also gorgeous! I really really love each line and the stanza as a whole.

Observations & Suggestions:

Because I adore the second to last stanza, the final stanza had less impact on me. It is a fitting end to the piece though, and I do love the phrasing. I did want to mention this one thing though:

"may others join in wholeness be"

If I'm not mistaken, "join" should be "joined". Others can "join in wholeness" or "be joined in wholeness", but right now, the line essentially says "be join in wholeness", right?

The "sun is but a door" stanza has a shorter rhythm than the rest of the poem... opening with trimeter seemed slightly abrupt, but it didn't throw off my rhythm too badly when reading. The "morning" tripped me up the most. My tongue wanted to say "morn"... but if it was "morn", that might make "slowly" a bit too long for the flow. Just thought I'd mention it... no suggestion for change.

And that is about all I have to say for this poem. It's just a nicely written piece, and I hope it does well in the contest. *Smile*

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445
445
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
I'm one of the judge's for the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.! Keep in mind that I am just one judge out of three, but I wanted to offer you a little bit of feedback. My opinions are just that... my opinions. They do not necessarily reflect what the other judges think. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I like the first two lines. The mid-line rhyme is nice, and I think that "tracing" paints a nicer image for me than rain-related words that you could have used: dripping, pouring, etc.

I like the mixing of short and long lines. I know that it isn't everyone's favorite style, but I generally enjoy it if done well.

Observations & Suggestions:

The use of "tracing" is slightly off-set by the use of "pouring" in the next line. This is where the poem begins to tiptoe that cliche boundary. "Pouring fromt he windows of the soul"... is there any part of that line that sounds truly unique to you? I think there might be another way to spin this one.

I like the twice, three times, once line. I even like that they aren't in order (once, twice, three or the reverse), but I do think that the line would be more effective with line breaks and staggering. They lead into one another well.

On a side note, the "when you did not return to me" lapses into conversational tone. There's no single word or idea there that wouldn't be expressed if you were chatting with someone rather than writing. I think that simply cutting the "to me" from the end makes the phrase more polished.

"In the years past, I have missed you. Always wishing you were here and not there"

Now, this is purely personal preference, but I think these lines would be more powerful with action. "In years past, I missed you." and maybe "wished you were here not there". Removing "the" and "and" just tighten up the line, and the meaning remains intact, but "missed" and "wished" draw the reader into the action more than "have missed" and "wishing".

"Accomplishing nothing and creating more pain" Love the sound of the line, but creating pain is accomplishing something... just not something positive. *Wink* The reader doesn't know the motives of the person being missed, so when I read that, my first thought was "unless she wants to cause pain".

I like the sentiment in the final line, but I think it would really shine with some general line tightening.

"I say I love you and you say the same" The two "I"s, two "you"s, and two "say"s are a bit much for me. I might consider something like "I love you, and you say the same". Double "you" still, but only one of the "I" and "say". It only changed the meaning slightly.

"until you see that the truth is in my tears" Again, this is a bit bulkier than needed to convey the emotion. A more concise version might actually make the moment more poignant. "until you see truth shining in my tears" or something like that would the words that, the, and is... all of which are boring little words. Just a suggestion.

Overall, I like the general idea of the poem and think that you have some nice ideas and writing here. If it was mine, I think that I'd give it a revision. Never hurts to play with your poetry, as long as you save a copy! *Wink*

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Review of Puzzle Passion  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

The title of this piece caught my eye. I do love all types of puzzles, and the word itself is fun to say and look at. I wanted to know the type of puzzle involved in the story, and I was pleasantly surprised that it was an actual 'puzzle' rather than just some sort of mystery. *Wink*

You have some very nice details in this piece. I love the mocking tiger on the box and the puzzle piece stuck to his forehead. Both made me smile!

This is a very fast paced story! I do love flash fiction, and this was a cute little anecdote that is just perfect for this short format.

Observations & Suggestions:

I think that George's character could have been a little more defined. We learn at the end that he is something of a contest addict, and he must be relatively young for his mother to be present. Perhaps it is just me, but before the mention of the mother, I assumed he was an adult. A 5000 piece puzzle isn't an activity I associate with a child. I understand that the challenge had to be a large one-- it was for a contest after all. The younger age makes sense in the context of the story... he was aiming big for a contest and couldn't get it together in time. Something earlier on in the story to make him seem child-like would have helped me connect more to the character I think. It could be as simple as the name. George sounds like a man, but Georgy seems like a child. I'm suggesting this change exactly... just an example. *Wink*

The tiger mocking him was my favorite part of the story, but it was also an element that made me think George was an adult. I actually got a bit of an eerie, creepy, horror-comedy vibe from it. I half expected George to be putting a puzzle together in the common room of a mental health facility or something. You painted sort of a wild, off-kilter vibe in my mind. I loved the effect, personally. It also makes sense for a child to behave this way-- children and teens are imaginative and can get frustrated and emotional over things as simple as a puzzle. Perhaps I would have gotten a different sort of vibe from it if I'd known from the beginning that it was a younger person. Not sure, but I thought I'd mention it.

This is not a super important element, but I thought I'd mention it anyway. I think that I would break the lines in the flier so that it would visually appear much different from the rest of the text. It would also look slightly more flier-like.


Puzzle Passion
presents

5000+ piece puzzle contest

Bring your biggest, most
beautiful, completed puzzles
to the Silver Plaza Hotel by
Jan. 4, 2014 to be entered
into one of our four categories:
Animals, Castles, Ocean, or Art.

Grand Prize:
A $200 Puzzle Passion gift
certificate!


Just a suggestion. I guess I think of fliers as looking like this. *Laugh* Like I said, not a big deal at all.

The ending is very cute too! Until the point when his mother mentioned the model airplane contest, I had no idea he was a contest junkie rather than just obsessed with puzzles. I'm not sure if you intended this to be a surprise, a cute detail, or an "ah ha! that's what this is about" moment. It seemed to me like this could have fulfilled any of those functions, but it didn't really work for me. I never wondered once what his interest was-- I thought I knew. He was interested in puzzles! So the added detail at the end was sort of an "oh. okay." moment for me. With a little revision, I think that it could have more impact on the reader.

Some random suggestions:

George banged his head on his worktable

As a general rule, I try to minimize the use of pronouns. The 'his' and 'his' aren't really needed here... the second makes just as much sense as 'the'. "George banged his head on the table" works just fine and eliminates an unneeded pronoun. Not a big deal, but I always think unneeded pronouns are worth mentioning. It's a good habit to look for them when editing anything.

George ripped the flier, one piece at a time

Something about this line tripped me up when reading. My mind rejected it for some reason and confused me for a moment. I tend to mention it anytime that happens when reading. I think the issue for me is: The flier is one piece of paper. You wouldn't rip a piece of paper 'one piece at a time'... there is just something odd about that to me. This is an excellent chance to give us more description anyway. My mind goes to "making flier confetti" and ripping the pieces, stacking them, ripping them again, over and over until the stack is so thick that it wont rip. I think we've all done that before when we were annoyed or frustrated. *Wink*

Overall, I think this is a cute idea for a story. The confusion about the character's age & personality and the random switch at the end to contest rather than puzzle obsession (at least, it seemed random to me) led to a less enjoyable story than this could have been. The most interesting and amusing parts for me happened in the beginning, and the end only managed to change my perception of those events... not necessarily for the better. I think this piece could stand to be a tiny bit longer too-- just a few more sentences to make the character well-rounded. I enjoyed the story, but I think I could have enjoyed it much more. Definitely worth the time it would take to revise I think! With just half an hour of work, it could be a perfect little story. *Smile*


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Review of The Walk  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Congratulations on winning first place in the "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem ContestOpen in new Window.!

Things I Like:

The plot for this story is rather sweet, considering the subject matter. When I got to the ending, I had a moment of confusion when they started to leave, but it made sense rather quickly. A very nice little story. The premise hooked me too. I was interested pretty much immediately. Rather morbid intro, but pretty cool too.

The relationship between Anna and Tom seemed believable to me. The reminiscing could have been obnoxious, but it came off very nicely. The reader can gather from the dialogue the nature of the friendship and how long they've been friends. The subtle hint that they possibly could have become more was cute as well.

The dialogue was quite good. It flowed naturally and never seemed forced. You also didn't allow the reader to forget the purpose of their walk. The moments of sadness were well written and subtle. This is not a tear-jerker story so much as a portrait of friendship, which I assume is what you wanted.

You added just enough description in this piece to create a setting. I appreciate that the bulk of the story is dialogue-based, but there are some lovely descriptive details. The ripple-tree ring was great! The comparison between the garden and her parents' faces was lovely as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

A few times, the dialogue lacked tags for reasonably long stretches. It didn't cause much confusion (except in the beginning when they're making sure they have everything they need), but it could confuse a casual reader. A "she said" in there now and then would help. Most of the time, this was fine. There were just a few times when I got confused. Something to look for if you revise I guess.

The tags wouldn't have been so important if the characters were distinctly different. One was male and one was female. One was dying. She seemed to have a slightly different sense of humor. Otherwise, they could have been the same character. The relationship seemed believable and strong... but the friends seemed so alike as to be interchangeable really. This isn't a problem because of the nature of the story-- it is about their relationship rather than their individual characters. Still, I thought I'd mention it.

The first part of the story and the second half work fairly well together, but the tones are decidedly different. The dialogue tells a timeless sort of story, but the mention of that fast food restaurant in the beginning is not timeless. It feels very modern, despite the chain being around for many decades. Aside from that one detail, the entire story had a romantic, sad, and classic feel to it.

When Anna asks tom near the beginning if he'd rather go with her, I immediately thought she was suggesting that he kill himself with her. I would guess that you meant "rather go to the beach with me?", but that is not how I first interpreted it. I thought it was pretty awesome actually (I like dark & creepy), but it wouldn't fit well in the story. I might suggest making your intentions clear there. *Wink*

The Paris thing... at the end, I don't know what purpose that was supposed to serve. Was he telling her that's where he was going so that she would be happy? Like an "I'll do the things that you wanted and live life for both of us"? I couldn't decide if he really was going or not. I thought he might be going and was feeling guilty that he got a ticket and she didn't, but it works the other way too... that he just told her he would go to make have something nice to talk about or something. Basically, this detail managed to confuse me and nothing else. I always mention things that don't seem to work, and this was one of the few bits of dialogue that didn't quite get me there. I'd just leave it with a mention of Paris in the beginning, personally. It sort of slowed the story near the end as well... just not sure about it.

Overall, I think this is a well-crafted story. The ending was sweet and sad at the same time, which is difficult to pull off effectively. The relationship made sense, and the dialogue didn't seem forced. It was a nice, easy read, and you certainly deserved that first place finish. *Smile*


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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, you finished this, right? Better than I would have done... *Wink* Any big folder like this deserves 5 stars. Cheers!
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Review of Lilac Mermaids  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

I was nosing around your portfolio, and this title caught my eye. I was wondering what a song called "lilac mermaids" might be about. *Wink*

Things I Like:

Some of your phrasing is just spectacular, and you have some amazing details and word choice in this piece as well. Some favorites: red carpet, pop lock and drop out, cold mid July, crystal wine, disco ball

Most of my favorites also provide great imagery! Really like that.

I like the song lyrics embedded within your own lyrics, as you mentioned listening to oldies. "Strangers in the night" does seem like an odd choice to begin your lyric, but I like that it's in the piece. "hold me closer, tiny dancer" isn't a song I think of as an "oldie", but I suppose it is now. hehe


Observations & Suggestions:

The "lilac mermaid" has no meaning for me at all in this piece. An inside joke? Something personal? It really just does not compute with me. It's a cool set of words... looks good and sounds good, but yeah... no meaning to me whatsoever.

The strongest part of this piece to me is the first two stanzas (or verses). They are both very good! The third is the weakest for me... which is a bit of an issue, as that is the one that's repeated a bunch of times. I love the first line of it, but the rest just doesn't do much for me I guess. The last line is also a bit long for the flow... dunno how it could be said with music to not seem awkward. I just can't "hear" it, you know?

Similarly, the "Don't stare at me like this, sweetheart" is a bit long for the flow too. It seems clunky after the smoothness of the line before it. The word that trips me up is "sweetheart". Those two hard sounds (the T's ...sweeThearT) take too long to say, which throws the flow to my ear. Something with a softer sound at the end (Sweety, Darling) might roll off the tongue better. It could work well with music, but as I can't hear the music, I'm just going with what I hear when read aloud. *Wink*

The "I dress like I'm going to the red carpet" is a little awkward to say too. It isn't a flow problem so much as my tongue doesn't like that combination of words... it didn't flow on any of my read-throughs. I do like the contrast of the red carpet and homeless drug addict though. Quite nice.

Overall, I really love snippets of this poem. "Pop, lock and drop out" is probably the most clever bit... love it, and it sounds great! The third, fourth, and fifth stanzas/verses aren't as strong for me as the first two, but that's just personal preference I suppose. If you make any changes, I'd be happy to give it another read. If you want, you could also shoot me an email to tell me what the "lilac mermaid" is supposed to mean. *Wink* You got me curious.


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Review of Linger  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

Things I Like:

I like the conversational tone used in this poem. It works well for the subject matter.

I like the mention of the "awful song". It's probably the best detail in the poem.

Observations & Suggestions:

The flow here isn't awkward, but it's very choppy. There are really long series of single-syllable words here. In 3 lines, there may be 3-4 words that have 2 syllables and 20+ tiny little one-syllable words. It gives the poem a choppy, monotonous sort of quality. I don't think it's pleasant to the ear or visually appealing, but if the poem is meant to sound a bit "ranty", it works. Short choppy words tend to make people read faster... a rant is fast! *Wink*

Because of the style this poem is written in, there are tons of "I" this and "You" that. Wherever possible, I would try to reword to remove "I"s and "you"s. For example:

"I want you out but all you do is stay"
"I want you out but you stay"

My sentence means the same thing as yours, but it's more concise and eliminates one of the "you"s from the line. It also gives you more room to write something interesting: "I want you out but you stay, festering always" or "ever bothersome" or "nagging, cold" or any number of other things. Use your imagination. *Smile*

This brings me neatly to my next point: There is a lack of imagery and interesting word choice in this poem. There is pretty much zero imagery, which is alright, but with only conversational words, it can be rather dull for the reader... there's no gorgeous words to ponder and no action to draw them in and excite them. These are the only really interesting words I see here at a glance: tragedy, created, hundred, awful song, asleep, dreams, creep, write. That's about it... not many at all for a poem this length.

If I might make a suggestion... think about the "awful song". People can relate to that... they might even hear one in their heads when you mention it in the poem. What else can you say that could get a similar reaction from the audience? Something like "Now you're all I think about / and all I write about" is very straightforward, but it could be very unique. For instance:

"Your face hovers in my mind, pasted to my inner lids, grinning each time I close my eyes" "The words flowing from my pen match the rhythm of your laughter and mimic the cold tone in your voice the last time we spoke..." Things like this could really drag the reader into the poem. They might relate... they might see the images in their minds. It will give them something to think about. These are just examples of course... just wanted to toss some ideas at you so that you'd understand what I mean when I say: think about the "awful song" and what it means to people. *Wink* Not every line needs to be flowery, descriptive, and intense... just a note or two of that awful song here and there would be great!

Overall, I think that the poem shows promise, but there is plenty of room for improvement. A little bit of imagery, a metaphor, a sprinkling of longer words... small changes could make a big difference and make the poem much more engaging. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read. *Smile*


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