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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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Review of Poem Defined  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy WDC B-Day! *Smile* I know that this is an old piece, but it caught my eye. I adore free verse, so I thought I might as well give it a try.

Some things I Like:

I love the opening three lines. At it's most basic, that is what a poem is. The progression to the end is extremely well-done. You start simply and end complex.

This is carried through visually as well. The stanzas become bulkier as the poem moves along, with exception of the aside "Painful...yet so soothing."

You have some very emotive language here as well. Quite enjoyed it.

Observations & Suggestions:

"Release of... / Empty the boiling" This struck me as strange. I might consider "empties"... the release empties the cauldron. That makes sense. At the moment, it is a little awkward and sounds like a command aimed at the reader, which is disjointed from the rest of the piece.

The use of "release" and "released" to begin the last two stanzas wasn't super effective for me. It could be effective and resonant, but somehow it isn't. On a side note, "released into a cocoon" is strange. Interesting, sure... but strange. No suggestion to change it necessarily, but I'm not a huge fan of it. It's an interesting twist of the typical "released from a cocoon", but does it really work? Sort of.

Overall, I like the piece. The line breaks are great. The flow is effortless. You word choice is quite good. The meaning itself is awesome. It's just a really solid piece of writing. It could use some revision if you felt like playing with it one day, but it is a good piece as it is. *Smile*

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377
Review of Meditation Room  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
I saw your request in "Please Review" Open in new Window. and thought that I'd give it a try.

Some things I Like:

The initial set up for the story works. The narrator is exhausted in the beginning, which ties directly to the end. For a piece this short, I think that the direct connection is a good idea.

Your have some nice phrasing in the story too. Clearly, you have a pretty strong vocabulary.

Observations & Suggestions:

There were times when that phrasing got very bulky. Too many descriptive words can bog down a sentence. Rather than drawing readers in, it makes them lose interest. Example:

"I found myself sitting slumpy in a small room lit only by a single light, a peaceful place where I could unwind my weary mind. I took a deep breath and rested my chin on my hand then slowly closed my eyes."

That "slumpy" is very unnecessary, first. "I found myself sitting slumpy" is not concise language at all. Did you "find yourself"? No. So why is it in there? For me, this is a 'get to the point' moment. There are many throughout.

Back to the example above: slumpy, small, only, single, peaceful, weary, deep, slowly. This is an exhausting number of descriptive words for just two sentences. Sometimes less is more. I felt like I was reading a thesaurus page here.

By the end, I wondered if there might be more opportunities to show who the character really is. We don't know much about him. If readers don't know much about a character, they don't care what happens to him. It increases the chance that they'll just get bored and quit reading.

The piece needs a thorough edit just for grammar and to polish the piece. There are some random weird moments in here that should be fixed. For instance:

“This is stupid!" I don’t want to end my life like this. Someone please help me!”

Just a minor thing that is easy to do while writing but can cause confusion and readability issues for the reader. Might as well give the story a thorough once over.

The end confused me a little bit. Mostly the overflowing pail.

"I perceived on my right a pail with overflowing of water coming from the faucet, continuously drifting onto the tiles that were neatly arranged on the floor."

What pail? Was he in there to use the bathroom AND fill up a bucket of water? That part didn't make much sense to me. Maybe if he was just running a bath for himself while using the bathroom... that wouldn't seem as odd.

Overall, I did think the story had some humor, and it could be really fun and surprising. It just needs some work right now. I think that the biggest hurdle is using concise writing and cutting back on the overuse of adjectives and adverbs. Making us care about the character would be nice, but for a shorter piece, it wouldn't matter much. Clearing the clutter would help immensely. This is a good start so don't give up just yet! Revision is just part of the process.


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378
378
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Joy! I just stumbled across your contest and figured that I might as well shoot you a quickie review. *Wink*

First, I love contests with simple rules. Super long lists of the same old rules get a bit tedious after a while, but of course, we all still read them. *Facepalm* It's nice to not have to do that.

Placement of the prompt at the top is a good idea too. I don't enter many prompt-based contests myself, and it's a bummer to read all about a contest and get excited only to find mandatory prompts at the bottom. *Laugh* Letting people know what's expected immediately is awesome.

I do like the prompt, by the way. It is specific enough to serve as a bit of judging criteria but loose enough to allow for lots of creativity. *Thumbsup*

Basically, the setup is short & sweet. I dig it! I hope you get tons of entries, and who knows? I might just find some inspiration and enter it myself. *Wink*
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Review of The Seed  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi! I'm the poetry judge for the "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window. and decided to give everyone some feedback for their entries. *Smile*

Things I Like:

First, I love what you did with the metaphor. It carries the entire purpose and meaning of the poem beautifully. I particularly like how it plays into that final stanza. Very nice!

The flow works for me. Sometimes people have trouble making super short lines flow with long ones, but you didn't seem to have any trouble with it.

Observations & Suggestions:

The repetition of "your" isn't super strong. In general, I'm a fan of repetition only if it really serves a purpose and progresses somehow. "Your" serves a purpose here, but it doesn't progress anything. It is used the same way each time. That becomes tedious with use rather than powerful. I'd consider tweaking it. If I wasn't judging, I might have stopped reading after the opening stanza's "your shoulders, / your feet, / your deeds" simply because out of 9 words: 1/3 were "your" and 1/3 were common, every day words. It doesn't bode well.

You used common words more often than not in this piece. It adds to the conversational tone, which is effective in this poem, but it doesn't spark any emotion or pull the reader into the piece. Take this line, for instance:

"This is about what you have left behind;"

Every word here is a common, every day word that someone would use in conversation. However, there are other common words that would still have more emotional pull. "what you have left behind" vs "what you abandoned". Which would make a reader feel more? I would guess "abandoned". It has an emotional connotation naturally. You might "leave behind" your purse in the car or something. No emotional connection. This is just an example of what I think might help throughout. When possible, interject some stronger words that will involve the reader a bit more. It will make the final stanza more dramatic and memorable.

I didn't say so specifically, but that final stanza is awesome. I absolutely love it. It's a very fitting way to end the poem and the tone created is great.

A basic grammar edit would help a whole lot as well. I wont correct the whole thing, but here are a few:

"Is this what you intend to happen?" I think what you're going for here is "intended"... past tense. The piece is talking about something that already happened.

"the seed with have grown" Seed is singular, "have" is used for plural. It should be "the seed[s] have grown" or "the seed has grown".

Overall, I think this is a really nice piece. I love what you're trying to do here. Some of it really works, but some of it could be stronger. There is definitely room for improvement, particularly in the area of making a reader care or relate or feel something. I like the poem as it is, but I don't love it yet. A little polish wouldn't hurt. Just save a copy and start playing with it-- you never know what amazing thing will happen if you start experimenting. *Smile*

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Review of The Cat  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! I'm the poetry judge for the "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window. and wanted to give you some feedback for your entry. *Smile*

Things I Like:

This is really cute! I'm sure that children would find it amusing, so the narrative is fitting for the children's genre.

You used great action throughout to keep the poem progressing at a good pace.

The language seems fitting for older children. Maybe 8 and up? There are a few words that younger children might not know, but I think they would still understand the story. Nothing wrong with throwing in a word like "stealth" here and there anyway. It is a fun way to increase a child's vocabulary and would create a great reference for them if they ask what the word means-- cats are stealthy. They can visualize it easily enough.

The cat's behavior seems pretty cat-like to me. Extreme focus for short periods of time sounds about right to me.

I like that in the end, he failed to catch yet another target and just moved on to another. It's a perfect way to end the poem.

Observations & Suggestions:

The flow was off in a few places. Letting the poem sit for a while and then reading it aloud might help you smooth it out.

"Behind him was a big old cat,
Running with stealth and speed.
The mouse jumped in and the cat fell flat,
Into a pile of feed."

That third line is about a beat off. And can fit the rhythm, but only if the reader knows it's coming and adjusts. I'd suggest maybe "The mouse jumped, and the cat fell flat". That would also alleviate the other oddity in this line... "The mouse jumped in"... into what? The last we heard, the mouse was scrambling over your feet. It seemed to me that the mouse jumping and then the cat falling clears up the image. Mouse jumps, cat flies past into the feed. Right now, it's a little muddy.

Anyway, this is just one example of the rhythm being off. It isn't a big deal, but there are some areas that could be smoother.

"and moved through the lawn" The meaning is clear enough, but I thought it was a little weird. You move through grass, not through the lawn. To me, they aren't interchangeable. *Wink* Not a big deal though. I'd consider changing "through" to "over". You move over a lawn... that makes more sense to me. Additionally, it would alleviate the two different uses of "through" in the middle lines of the third stanza. "I thought the cat was through"/"moved through the lawn"... that might confuse a child, since one means 'finished' and the other is the more traditional use. Just a suggestion.

I like that the rhymes you use here aren't super child-like. The words are simple, but the rhymes don't feel like Seuss-obvious. Know what I mean?

Overall, I think this is really cute! There is room for improvement, but it is a nice little poem. It was a fun read. *Smile*

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Review of UNPACKING  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi! I'm the poetry judge for the "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window. and thought that you might want some feedback on your entry. *Thumbsup*

Things I Like:

I think that the sense of danger painted throughout made the ending pretty effective. I couldn't help but smile. Danielle's personality came through very clearly, and I think that most people could relate to her. I know that she sounds a bit like me as a teen. In fact, I did something similar-- turning a tea kettle so thoroughly that when I tried to lift it, the entire bottom stuck to the burner while the rest came loose in my hand. *Laugh*

Back to the sense of danger, you did well creating tension and a bit of anxiety with word choice, but you didn't go overboard with it. Too much doom would have made the ending seem weird rather than comical.

You told the story well and had just enough imagery to allow the reader to become involved with the narrative.

I love the "flapped at the screamer" and "shrill siren rasping". Some nice phrasing.

Observations & Suggestions:

In general, I think that I find -ing words less effective with prominent use. There are many of them in this piece. The first and second stanzas overused them a bit. "coughed and gasped" or "thumped and blared" or "thumps blaring" or... there are just so many ways to say the same thing that the -ing words fall flat after a while. I kept wishing for more action, despite there being tons of action in the piece.

The biggest issue in this poem, by far, is the flow. It is so off that it's hard to even choose a few places that were worse than others. The piece never fell into a rhythm... it's disjointed sounding. I'll try to grab a few examples, but these are far from all of them:

"It was a favourite mug of a daughter
Thought to be away at university.
Hadn't she heard or smelled? This was odd for her."

The flow is a bit rough for the first two lines, but the third derails it completely. That "of a daughter" seemed odd to me, by the way. It's a bulky way of saying "a daughter's favorite mug", so why not say that? It's less awkward. "mug of a daughter" almost sounds like an insult actually. *Wink*

"That a kettle can't boil indefinitely.
Danielle was the first to burn water, but not
Thank God, able to kill herself making tea."

Again, the flow is very awkward here. It was hard to get the words out. That last line doesn't flow from the first two. Also, the "able" shouldn't be there. "Danielle was the first to burn water but not to kill herself making tea." makes more sense... she was the first to do X, but wasn't the first to do Y. If you want to use "able", you would need to repeat the "was" because you're no longer talking about the first. Does that make sense? If not, email me, and I'll try again. Sometimes, grammar is difficult to explain.

Overall, I loooove the story. You have some really great word choice throughout. The rhymes aren't overbearing. Really, the flow is a huge downfall and could use some work. Excellent word choice is more than half the battle in my opinion-- yours is natural and intriguing without looking like a thesaurus threw up all over your poem. Some people can't quite get that right. If the flow was intact, this would be excellent. Try putting the poem aside for a few months and then reading it aloud. If something trips you up, it's probably because the flow is off. As it is, this is still a very nice entry. *Smile*

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382
Review of Rejected  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi! I'm the poetry judge for "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window. and thought that you might want some feedback on your entry. *Smile*

Things I Like:

You have some really amazing moments in this piece. My personal favorite:

Public displays of affection,
private displays of decay.

The meaning is perfectly fitting for the subject of your poem, and the almost cheesy rhyme with "day" actually makes the last line reverberate like a slap in the face. I love it. Absolutely love it! It packs an emotional punch, and you made it seem effortless.

I think the sentiment at the end is quite lovely.

The flow is great for the most part. Your rhymes are pretty smooth most of the time as well, but there are a few hiccups for me.

Observations & Suggestions:

First, "teen spirit" makes me thing of two things. One is underarm deodorant (as Teen Spirit is a brand of deodorant). The other is a smoky gymnasium with cheerleaders dancing to an overplayed grunge song. Neither have anything to do with the topic of your poem. I just thought that I would mention my association with the term. I'm positive that I wont be the only one who thinks of one or the other.

"Teen spirit turned me to anger" is an odd bit of phrasing in general, since I mentioned it. Did it turn YOU to anger, or did that spirit turn TO anger? The latter seems more likely, but it isn't the case. I get what you mean though... hitting puberty, the teen angst set in. I don't think the line comes across that way though. It could be clearer.

Craving your love was too much,
for my infant heart to hope for.
That empty space open to you,
if only you'd not shut the door.

This is the only aspect of the poem that I strongly did not like. That second line made me cringe so badly! First, ending a sentence with a preposition generally means poor sentence structure. Beginning AND ending the line with that same preposition? That is blasphemous in my book. If you take nothing else from the review, I strongly recommend revising that line. The meaning works, and you have some strong word choice in this stanza. That "for...for." line just kills it. I know... such a minor thing. Those minor things just mean that the poem could be more polished.

The flow is a beat or so off here and there. I might set the poem aside for a few months and then read it aloud. Any time I stumbled over the words, I'd revise. That seems to be a reasonable way to do it because, if you know what it says, you'll have less trouble reading it than someone who has no idea what it says.

Overall, this is a lovely piece. You have some really amazing, strong moments throughout. Again, I really really love those last two lines of the third stanza. I keep going back to them over and over. *Laugh* Anyway, there are some things that could use revision, but I think that the poem is with the effort. Thanks for entering and good luck with the contest! *Smile*

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Review of The Diary  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Ken! I'm helping out with the judging for the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. contest and thought I'd give you a quick review. *Smile*

Things I Like:

The refrain is perfect for this form. It is extremely versatile. I knew the moment I read it that the line would work very well as a final line, and that you had lots of options for progression. I especially like its use in the third stanza.

I love the idea of this ruined book being a diary. Clever and unlike any other entry, which is always a plus. Diaries bring to mind all sorts of emotional connections for people. It was a good choice.

You have oodles of strong lines in this piece. "A childish scrawl of joys and pains" is a particular favorite of mine.

The final stanza has a beautiful flow and also adds some dramatic imagery to the piece. "Drama" is really the best term for it. The stanza is very visual with a strong emotional draw. It's like the final moments of a movie.

Observations & Suggestions:

I have no complaints about the piece. There is still room for smoothing out a phrase here and there if you chose to do so, but it is quite good right now. The "childish scrawl... of teenage hopes", for instance, is a bit odd. I think most teenage girls have moved beyond the "childish scrawl". If, say, the childish scrawl had happened in the second stanza, the subject would shift from 'young girl' to 'childish scrawl' to 'teenage hopes'. A fitting progression that would add a layer of meaning to the final stanza as well. Now, I'm not suggesting that you try to rewrite this entire poem for that, but it is one example of something that could be tweaked if you chose to continue playing with the piece.

Overall, I think it's awesome. *Laugh* Great entry, love. To be honest, this is my favorite from you, and as I judge often, I've read quite a few by now. *Wink* It isn't as perfect as perfect can be, but it is great packaging for the strongest meaning. Know what I mean? It speaks to me. Good luck with the contest! *Smile*

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384
Review of The Final Word  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi! I'm a judge for this round of the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. contest, and I thought that you might appreciate a little feedback on your entry. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I like your refrain here. There is no need to have a comma after "unfolds" though. *Wink*

You have some moments of really strong word choice going on in here. Haunted, narrating, mocked, muted... these are just a few that I think worked quite well.

Observations & Suggestions:

Using "old" in the 4 times in the first 3 stanzas was far too much for me. Considering that it rhymes with the refrain, it made the overuse that much more blatant for me. It's a cute idea, but I don't think it works well. "Old street" "old feet" "old street" "old forlorn tale"? And the "tale" is a repetition as well. I might add that "old forlorn tale" is not nearly as strong as "haunted tales". Basically, I just think that repetition needs to be precise and strong. Otherwise, it gets monotonous.

Talking about the feet, the old street, and using the refrain in the first and second stanzas: this combined to make me feel like I was reading the exact same thing again. I might revise a little. The second stanza does have a few shining moments though, namely, 'well-meaning feet... clueless in the wake of the storm'. That is some of the best writing in the piece. In the first stanza, "mindful of the haunted tales" is a very strong line as well. I would try to keep the strongest parts of both stanzas and tweak what's left so that there is some progression between the two. Right now, the second stanza isn't moving the poem along.

It is "well-meaning" by the way. It's a compound adjective. *Smile*

"dreaded by now, by" is a bit awkward. My tongue did not like saying 'by now by'.

"and some hope" / "and so" this could provide some nice assonance, but it didn't work well for me. It, again, sounded like a repeat rather than a similarity.

I like the meaning of the last stanza too, by the way.

Overall, I think this is a nice piece that has some great moments. The word repetition, whether purposeful or accidental, dragged the poem down for me. The writing itself could have been a bit more dynamic. Still, it is a nice entry. *Smile* Good luck with the contest.


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385
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Aundria! As you are well-aware (*Wink*), I'm a judge for this round of the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and thought you'd want some feedback on your poem.

Some things I Like:

There are some beautiful lines in this piece. Some favorites:

"Imprisoned letters trapped in time,
cry of the joy and misery."

I absolutely love this. It's amazing. No need for the comma in there though. Grammatically, you just separated the subject from the predicate with a comma. Even as a pause, it doesn't sound quite right. Still, gorgeous set of lines.

"silent voices on faded page" I love this as well. It sounds like something I'd write actually... so why wouldn't I love it? *Laugh* Seriously though, it's lovely.

The refrain is quite strong as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are some flow issues in here. These are the lines that tripped me up:

"Frozen lives and lost history" - My tongue did not want to say this. It tripped me up. Seems about a beat too long to me too. The syllable count is right, but we both know that doesn't always ensure a smooth flow.

"Crumbled leaves and cracked leather spine" - The rhythm here threw me as well... right around the phrase 'cracked leather'.

"History's memories now in a cage" - a bit awkward. I think it is mostly the two three syllable words in a row. They take so long to say that it threw off my rhythm a bit.

The first two lines are nice, but I expected them to be a sentence. So.. I was confused for a moment. In general, the second two lines far outshine the first two. Not an issue really, but I thought I'd mention it.

The second stanza is actually stronger than the others, in my opinion. Preferably, the intro or conclusion (or both) would be the real stunners. At any rate, at least you have a gorgeous stanza in there! It is the only one that had super smooth flow, but the word choice and meaning are also the strongest for me.

The weakest for me was the final stanza. It didn't stick with me. I read the poem a number of times, and even as I review it, I kept having to go back and see how it ended again. It didn't have much resonance or power for me I guess. Nice phrasing, but the other stanzas had more emotional pull.

Overall, I like the poem. I think you have some brilliant moments. Your word choice throughout is strong but not overly flashy. The sentiment is lovely. Smoothing out those few areas would be an improvement I think, but it is a solid entry. Good luck with the contest, love! *Smile*

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386
Review of Empty Pages  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm one of the judges for this round of the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. contest. I thought that you might like some feedback on your entry. *Smile*

Things I Like:

You have some really awesome ideas in this piece. My favorites:

"my tears seep / between the letters on this page" is a nice personification, but you still remind readers that you're talking about a book. I appreciate that the tears "seep" rather than roll or run or streak. It makes sense for liquid to seep into pages, after all. Very nicely done.

"The leaves crunch between my pages / leaving scars no one wants to read" is another really nice idea. It would make even more sense if it was "no one can read" because a scarred page might be unreadable, and it could also refer to the sort of mental scars neglect can cause. Of course, it would drop the line to 7 syllables though. Just an idea. Anyway, love the idea here. *Smile*

I actually personified a book just recently in a short story, so I can really appreciate what you did here.

Observations & Suggestions:

Some of your word choices in here are a bit on the repetitive side. For instance, you use pages/page in three of the four stanzas. Books have lots of other elements that could be damages... the binding or spine. There are a few synonyms for page as well. The third time you used it, the effect wasn't very strong because I'd heard it twice before. Know what I mean? I still like the lines, but they lacked a bit of oomph.

Also on the repetition topic: "Here I am," and "Left to rot here". When I read that left to rot "here", I thought in my head, "I get it. You're here". Used within the phrase "here I am", it adds some meaning to the poem. "Left to rot here" adds no meaning. Where else would it rot? "Left to rot... over there"? I'd remove it and use that extra syllable to add a spicy word. *Wink* That line could use a bit of zest. Not too much, as the next line is packed with heavy, strong words... just a little tweak.

"Pick my up, and drop me again" seemed like a weird, sarcastic thing to say... a bit out of character for the narrator. The rest is pained and forlorn, but it wasn't a "go ahead and abuse me" tone.

I think the refrain is simple and reminds readers of the narrator being a book, but it doesn't conjure much emotion. That isn't a problem anywhere but the final stanza. It is the last line. Last lines are your last chance to shine, and an emotional refrain would have resonated once the poem ended. Not a major complaint... just an observation.

Overall, I think this is a nice piece. It could use a little bit of polish, particularly in the punctuation department. This is in complete sentences, so it should be punctuated just like you would for a story. You might want to take a look at some of the other areas I mentioned too. Overall, it is a pleasant read though! *Smile* Good luck with the contest!

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387
387
Review of Train  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I know this is an older piece, but I thought I'd give it a review anyway. I was trolling through the Random Review and it caught my eye.

Some things I Like:

This is a beautiful piece! Your have so many moments of excellent writing here that it is hard to choose just a few, but I'll try. Some favorites:

"Music, laughter, and cheering encompassed the air and my soul." Love it... though "encompassed" seems slightly odd when referring to air for some reason.

"It's disturbing when you fear living more than death." I chose this one for a few reasons. First, the voice is distinct in this line, as it is through the entire piece. It is in the same conversational tone as the rest of the story. It is also a sad, powerful line. Again, the story is full of them.

You used tons of fitting before and after imagery and details. It works well. The comparison never grows stale.

Observations & Suggestions:

"Sounds of gunshots, men in bunks weeping quietly, and a rustling in the trees that made your skin grow cold ate at your mind and spirit."

I got so wrapped up in the details here that I forgot how the sentence began by the time I got to "grow cold ate". I stumbled there for that reason... I wasn't expecting the predicate to show up anymore.

You have some odd uses for semi-colons in here.

"and I know I’ll see Mama pacing at the station with a plate full of oatmeal cookies; just like the ones she handed me before I boarded the train"

This doesn't even need a comma, let alone a semi-colon.

"Four years ago, I was anxious to fight for our country, and I’d do it in a heartbeat again; though, that heart has irreversably changed."

This could (and should) be a comma as well. You also don't need a comma after "though". It isn't an interjection unless you want it to be. "Irreversably" is typo'd by the way. It's 'irreversibly'.

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. It has some really poignant moments. The details are great. The writing itself is really lovely. Occasionally, I would run across a small snag like those I mentioned above, but they didn't detract much from the experience. Still, you might want to give it a polish sometime. It never hurts to revise an old piece once in a while. *Smile*

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388
388
Review of The sorrow  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* If you need any help finding your way around or have any questions, I'd be happy to help. Just shoot me an email.

Things I Like:

Your descriptions are great in this piece, and you managed to pack lots of details into the story without going overboard with adjectives and adverbs, which is nice.

I love the opening line. It isn't super unique, winds reaching through her jacket and into her bones, but it was well written and sets the tone for the piece.

I think that most people could relate to this on some level.

You gave just enough "story" here. We don't need to know how long she has been performing her vigil or more detail about the person who died. It's concise and fine as it is.

Observations & Suggestions:

Some of your sentences got a bit awkward here and there.

"Standing silent vigil for as long as her body could stand it was her ritual while in this place." I had to read this one a few times. This is really twisted, but untwisting it would still leave the sentence awkward. If there is a way to revise so that the subject is more evident, that would help the clarity.

"On schedule, as the distant sounds from the nearby town took up their predetermined rhythm, she began to move from foot to foot to get the circulation to return." This is really awkward too. I had to read this one quite a few times before I got any connection at all between the town and her moving foot to foot. Again, it's a clarity issue. I'd consider:

"On schedule, the distant sounds from the nearby town took up their predetermined rhythm, as she began..." This makes the connection more obvious. Right now, it reads as though she was moving foot to foot on schedule. The comma'd off clause in there leads to some confusion.

Overall, I quite like this piece. There are moments when the wording is a bit verbose for what it really says. I might edit once just for extraneous words and phrasing. Like that "took up the predetermined rhythm"... "took up" is a bit clunky. All it really means is "began", which would make it cleaner. Tiny changes like this could make the entire piece more pleasant to read. Readability is important... you don't want to exhaust readers with phrasing that is longer than needed. Decluttering will also help make the important parts shine. "took up" isn't exactly a key phrase. Know what I mean? Anyway, just some polish here and there and this will be an excellent piece. *Thumbsup*

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389
389
Review of The Champ  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I found this item using the random review function. I tend to like flash fiction, so I thought I'd give it a read.

Some things I Like:

Your descriptions are nice. I particularly liked the description of the injuries at the end, but there were nice details throughout.

I didn't care about or feel bad for the character, but I didn't dislike him either.

I like that you added some details about boxing that seemed authentic. Like the ref shaking his gloves. The first line also set the story up pretty well... I understood immediately what was going on.

Observations & Suggestions:

The fact that the one Motown mentioned in the beginning who promptly took down the narrator suddenly became twins seemed odd to me. I wondered if the narrator was actually fighting two people for some reason or if it was a double-vision type of effect. It confused me a little. I love the idea of seeing double after a big blow, but I might introduce it before mentioning the "twins" if that really is the case.

There are some grammar issues in here. Missing commas and things. You tend to use some passive voice as well.

"I came forward, dodged, weaved, faked a left and followed with a blistering right upper-cut, and the next thing I knew I was on my ass and Motown was doing the bunny hop back to his corner."

This is a run-on sentence. "Morton was doing...corner." is a sentence, which makes three stuck together. The "was doing" here means the same thing as "did". You might as well make it active voice rather than passive if it is that easy to fix.

"as I was trying my best to pick up speed backwards" Same here. "as I tried" is the same thing.

"In front of me was Big Mackie the Motown Marvel waving his red gloves at me to come forward."

This line is just awkward and more confusing than it needs to be. I'd revise. "In front of me, Big Mackie the Motown Marvel waved his gloves at me..." awkwardness gone.

I was hoping for some kind of twist at the end. Or maybe a really harsh or funny line. Something that would jump out at me. I think the end is amusing, but it wasn't a 'wow moment' or anything. No suggestion for a change here... just thought I'd mention it.

Overall, I think this is a pretty engaging piece. It needs an edit for grammar and clarity-- some of the grammar problems cause clarity issues, so you'd kill two birds with one stone. *Smile* Even as it is, it was a pretty fun read because of all the details you packed into the piece.

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390
390
Review of Take Out  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Things I Like:

First, I just have to say... Mmmmmm, Chinese food! *Laugh*

The opening stanza is very good. It caught my attention, and I really wanted to hear where you would go with it. It's a nice hook, in other words. Your word choice is also spectacular in the intro. Very nice imagery, and the "cheesy, brushstroke font" line made me smile. Easy to picture that.

The second stanza expresses a feeling that I personally know all too well. I'm sure others can relate as well. I also like your description of the scent.

The flow is good for the most part as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

The use of "cheesy" threw me for a second. White cartons with a red dragon? That can only mean Chinese food. When I saw "cheesy" I was in a food state of mind, and it confused me because they don't use much cheese in Chinese cuisine. At least, I definitely don't associate it with cheese. Know what I mean? I understand what you're saying (like Zappa's "All that we got's here is American made. It's a little bit cheesy, but it's nicely displayed" cheesy), but my initial reaction was confusion. No suggestion for a change. I just thought I'd let you know that people might make a food connection there.

I love the first line of the third stanza, and the last two lines of the stanza are a fitting way to close. The lines between them didn't do much for me. They don't play with the senses as much as the rest of the poem, which isn't awful, but that is really one of the poem's strengths. Without those rich, sensory words, the word choice falls a wee bit flat in this section of the stanza.

The "It never sits well an hour later" line was a bit long for the flow and slightly awkward when reading aloud. It also seemed more conversational in tone than the rest of the poem, but just by a small degree. I tend to be a little sensitive to that in general. I would consider tweaking that line if it was mine, if for no other reason than it throws off the rhythm.

"Each blissful bite / carries a reminder / I'll regret this."

Somehow this was a little awkward for me on the first read. I had to read it a few times before I understood the connection really. The lack of punctuation and the exact phrasing combined into a "what?" moment for me. *Laugh* The "reminder" is that you'll regret it. So... I'd use a colon there.

"Each blissful bite / carries a reminder: / I'll regret this"

I might consider changing "a" to "the" as well. Somehow, it just seems natural to me with a "the", but it doesn't matter all that much. The meaning would still be roughly the same, after all. *Wink*

Overall, I think this is a fun poem. It amused me. *Smile* I like the imagery, lots of people can relate to the topic (who hasn't regretted Chinese takeout?), your word choice is really strong at time. It's a pretty solid poem and an enjoyable read. *Thumbsup* I dig it.

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391
391
Review of Free Verse Poetry  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, love! *Smile*

I'm reviewing a folder for "The Challenge" Open in new Window. and figured I would look through friend ports until I found one that needed a review. Found one! *Wink*

Looking through the list of poems in this folder, I realized that I have read about half of them before. I think that more than qualifies me to review the folder, huh? *Laugh* Of course, I think that folders deserve high ratings if the content in them is good at all. Your poems are good, so the folder clearly deserves 5 stars.

Not much more to say, really. You know I dig your poetry. I love free verse. Done. *Heart*



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392
392
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Since SAJ's contest challenge requires us to review members of SAJ, not just packages, I figured that I had free reign to review whatever I wanted for the 5 people I chose. I've been trying to review more contests, blogs, activities, folders... the types of things that people rarely review.

Just now, it occurred to me that I have never reviewed the Welcome Wagon. *Shock*

First, I have to say that I absolutely adore the Welcome Wagon. I love reviewing newbies above all other types of reviews I give. That is why I do so many of them when I have the time. Clearly, this activity is a fitting place for me to be.

In general, it is awesome to have a place that rewards people for doing something nice for new people. The fact that people do not have to affiliate with a group to post them here encourages them even more. To be honest, I would still review for the Welcome Wagon all the time even if I did have to affiliate, but not everyone would, I suppose.

I have sent traffic your way and keep trying to do so... lots of newbies who might feel most comfortable reviewing other new people. The gp is a nice incentive for them to give people reviews, and we all know that once you do a bunch of them, reviewing becomes almost like second nature. Somehow, it is also less intimidating for them to know that they don't have to join a group.

Basically, I love the NWW. I'm a fan. I have been forever. It isn't just the fact that I can get extra gp (which I inevitably end up spending on newbies anyway). That's nice, but it isn't why I do it. Anniversary Reviews is the same type of program, but I have only done a few for them. New people will not stay on WDC if they never get reviews. The Welcome Wagon helps ensure that they will. It is a cause I care about. You're providing a great service for new people, and I'm sure that if they were aware of it, they would really appreciate it. Cheers!

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393
393
Review of The Hapless King  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Umbrellab* This review is part of BillieGail memory of Cheyenne Author Icon's shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! She donated it to a newbie.*Umbrellab*


Things I Like:

First, I have to tell you that I'm not a fantasy fan. That is why I didn't read this piece the last time I was poking around in your portfolio. *Wink* I did tell you that if I had anything to say about the piece that I would though, so here I am.

I think that the last line is very strong. It is amusing while at the same time, a reader can't help but feel for him. You built the story up nicely from beginning to end.

This is also a pretty interesting little take on the King Arthur story. It is much more interesting to see the character's self-doubt than being a hero yet again.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are some areas for improvement as far as the technical writing goes. For instance, you don't call Arthur by name, so I found myself wondering if "he" was actually Arthur. You could make that clear from the beginning. Additionally, using his name here and there would eliminate some of the pronouns. You use "he" a whole lot here. I'm sensitive to pronouns and repetition, so repetitive pronoun use is not ideal for me. *Wink*

Rather than focus on the whole story here, I'm just going to focus in-depth in one area. If the goal is to become a better writer, it will help, regardless of where I choose to focus. Besides, the opening paragraph is the hook. The more perfect you can make it, the better the chance someone will continue reading.

"The lords are waiting; he can hear them whispering their discontent in rough, hoarse voices. They feign nonchalance while rearranging their shoulder plates and tap their fingers on the pommels of their swords. Half a year ago they were clamouring for a new king. Watch them now, waiting for him to fail."

"are waiting" is passive voice. Passive voice is a form of "to be" coupled with a verb. So... are waiting, were waiting, is waiting... all passive voice. This one is super easy to fix. Active voice is usually preferable because it has more action. "The lords wait." Simple... means exactly the same thing. There is more drama without the extra "are -ing".

"The lords...; he can hear" This threw me. The lords are plural, he is singular. I was jolted immediately. If you use a semi-colon, the second sentence should be some kind of continuation of the first. That is true here, but it doesn't read that way immediately.

Similar to the "are waiting"... "can hear" means the same thing as "hears" really. Why not just use "hears"? Remember what I said in my last review: less is sometimes more. Conciseness can be a great benefit to you.

What you really have here is a complex sentence that says something very simple. Let the sentence structure you choose reflect what you're trying to say. Structure is really important. Peek at this rewrite:

"He hears them, the lords whispering their discontent in rough, hoarse voices."

"The lords are waiting; he can hear them whispering their discontent in rough, hoarse voices."

Now, I cut the fact that the lords were waiting, but everything else seems to be intact. You could even say "the waiting lords whispering" to get that in too. Mine is 12 words, while yours is 15 and has a more complicated structure. This is the type of streamlining and conciseness that I think would really strengthen your writing. I'm not suggesting that you use my rewrite. I was just showing you how different this could be... short and clear.

"Half a year ago they were clamouring for a new king." Comma after "ago", as that is a phrase added to the beginning of the sentence. A comma will show readers that the sentence really begins at "they". "were clamoring" is also passive voice. "they clamored for a new king" or the "had clamored for a new king". No "to be" required. *Smile*

"They feign nonchalance while rearranging their shoulder plates and tap their fingers on the pommels of their swords." This is the strongest line in the intro by far. It is a straightforward type of sentence. A compound predicate, but otherwise very simple.

The short line at the end works well. It varies the sentence length a bit, which is good. "Watch now" seems like a weird 2nd person POV that only happens once in this story. I would avoid speaking directly to the reader, as you don't do it in the rest of the story.

Overall, I think that you have a cool idea here, and you show moments of really nice wording and storytelling. I would strongly recommend revising for clarity. I tend to be very flowery with my language too, but cleaning it up... cutting out the bulk and making the piece concise... can really help make reading effortless. I hope that you can use some of the things that I pointed out in the intro to help you edit the rest of the piece. Really, I hope that this was helpful in general! *Smile*


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394
394
Review of Sirena  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Things I Like:

You use very emotive language in this piece. It is quite lovely at times. In many ways, it reads like prose poetry.

The opening sentence had a nice hook. A swaying song... it's nice. That opening sentence would be stronger without the meandering length, but it is still an effective hook.

The ending is fitting. It doesn't give me chills or make me feel sorry for him or anything like that, but it seems like a reasonable way to conclude the piece.

Observations & Suggestions:

If viewed as a short story, I have to say that it isn't as impressive. There is no strong characterization, an exceptionally brief "plot", and a bunch of imagery. By the standards used to measure a story, it isn't super strong. I adore mircofiction and read it all the time... this isn't one of the strongest I've read.

As a prose poem, however, the piece is quite excellent. Again, the imagery is good. The poetic view of the alluring song and final moments of the sailor's life are very nice. It has a natural sort of flow that is somewhere between fiction and poetry. All of the elements are there. So, I choose to view this as an excellent prose poem rather than a slightly below average short story.

Your sentence structures are really heavy here. The semicolon in the first epic-length sentence is overkill (more effective to use a semi-colon for shorter sentences). Each sentence is quite long, and by the end, I was sometimes a bit lost. That is not a good sign, but it is, again, common in poetry-- that is why people analyze it so much. In general, this piece reads like one huge run-on sentence that was broken in two places because it had to be. Take a breathe. It can still seem like it was over in a flash if there are a couple more sentences in there. *Wink*

Honestly... I think that it would be helpful for varied sentence structure AND clarity if you just made "its unbearable beauty fills my eyes with tears" its own sentence. This is a romantic style... heavy on adjectives and strong, dramatic word choice. Give readers a little break between thoughts. It will make the piece more enjoyable to read.

Overall, I think this is quite good. With 5 minutes worth of editing it could be even better. Still, it was a nice little read. *Smile*

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395
395
Review of love  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
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Things I Like:

You have some nice sentiment in this piece. It has moments of real emotion in it.

Some of your word choice is strong here. Words like "wounds", "absurd", and "hopeless" have a particular connection to the word "Love".

The flow is pretty good in the first half too.

Observations & Suggestions:

The rhymes seem a bit forced sometimes. "...hope that I once had ...it makes me sad", for instance, is such a rhyme-y rhyme. Any emotional impact that it might have made disappears. It sounds like a very deliberate rhyme in a not so good way.

The flow is off in a few places. An example:

"Why must i hurt and feel so hopeless this way. Deep down i still am looking for my soulmate each day."

If you say these lines aloud, they are a bit awkward together. The rhythm is off. That second line is a beat or two too long. Now, I'm not suggesting that you actually use this, but it is something to compare it to:

"Why must I hurt and feel hopeless this way[?] Deep down, I still seek my soul mate each day."

Hear how the rhythm lines up? I cut the "so" because it isn't adding much to the meaning, and note that the question should have a question mark.

In general, the piece needs a thorough grammar/typo edit as well. There is missing punctuation here and there, but the typos are what really screams "Rough Draft!" here.

"it is a feeling thatcan make peopledo tings that are absurd"

This, for instance, could use some polish. *Wink* I think this is probably the strongest line in the piece, but clearly it needs an edit.

There are moments in here that tread the border of cliche. It sounds like I've heard it before. Know what I mean? I wonder if there is a unique spin that you could put on this theme to really grab the readers' attention.

There is a repetitive quality to this piece as well. Some of it is simple words that aren't needed really. "I could get past all"/"I've lost all". Just that word "all" made me feel like I had just read this line. Similarly, there are these:

"the hurt that I feel"
"why must I hurt and feel"
"it is a feeling"

The repetition isn't very effective. It might be stronger in general if, instead of telling us that you feel, describe the feeling. Describe the "hurt" rather than using that word. It will make the writing more dynamic. *Smile*

Overall, I think that the poem has some good moments, but it could use some work. The flow is a bit off here and there, the little repetitions could be better, the rhymes could feel a bit more natural. It's just lots of little things that could be smoothed out to let the poem really shine. Good luck if you decide to revise. *Smile*

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396
396
Review of The Maze  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Things I Like:

Alright, love. This story is pretty delightful in a way. The best part, by far, is the old man's story. I think you did well with the dialect for the most part. There were a couple times that I had to figure out what he was saying, but it worked well.

Honestly, the story is a little nostalgic for me. I'm from Maine, and there are some old timers up there who 1. voice their opinions about anything and everything with no apologies and 2. have a unique way of speaking. I've read stories that were recorded from interviews and transcribed from old fishermen in Maine (fishermen = lobster). They have the same sort of vibe you captured here. Authentic and interesting.

I also read the second paragraph aloud so that I could really hear the dialect. Pretty cool effect really.

Observations & Suggestions:

The intro seemed like a perfect place to insert some imagery. Walking on the beach... finding this old man. I would have loved to hear more about what the man was like. What did he look like? A few mentions of the setting would be nice and easy imagery as well. As most of the story is dialogue, that would be nice and make the story feel more complete to me.

I was curious as to why the person just happened to have a tape recorder on the beach. *Laugh* Some kind of explanation for that would have seemed less rushed. Really, the intro seemed a bit rushed in general. Take some time. What was he doing on the beach?

In my mind, I made up a back story because I needed one. The guy was on the beach transcribing some notes from a lecture, and an old man wandered over and started talking and mumbling at him, disturbing his work. At some point, he began to actually listen to the man and decided to record what he was saying. *Laugh* No idea if this is what you intended (I doubt it, as he was "walking on the beach one day"), but it helped me connect with the story. Some kind of back story would probably help other readers connect too. Not everyone would interject their own. This is a writing site, so there may be other people here who would do that naturally, but off the site? People might want more.

Overall, I really like the old man's story. It's well done, and I love the sentiment too actually. *Thumbsup* I didn't connect much to the first part of the story... the introduction didn't hold much appeal for me-- no imagery, no reason to have a tape recorder, no reason for him to be listening to the old man. I just wanted something more in there. Something entertaining that would draw me into the story. We don't know much about the old man aside from his philosophy, and we know nothing about the narrator in the first paragraph. I'd consider beefing up that whole section to really grab the reader. I do like the last lines of that first paragraph though-- very fitting. Anyway, with a little effort, I think this could be a really amazing story! Just embellish it and have fun with it.

Oh, I'm giving back the gp from the review request since I made this part of your SAJ package. You shouldn't have to pay me for something that you (or someone else) already paid for. *Wink*

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397
397
Review of An Honest Answer  Open in new Window.
Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
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Things I Like:

Okay, this is sort of a tough one for me, but we'll give it a go.

The characters were fairly distinct, despite this being dialogue only. Writing a story in only dialogue can be difficult, so I give you props for that. I've only tried it once myself, and it has some unique challenges. At least, I presume this is dialogue only... I read it as though they were slightly long-winded text messages. *Wink* Sort of *hugs*, *smile* that type of thing?

The introduction-- the "hi honey"s set up the basics well. It is simple, but it does get across to the reader that this is a couple about to have a discussion.

I do think that this is the type of situation that lots of readers could relate to. Particularly married ones. *Laugh* I know that my husband and I have these types of arguments sometimes. "Wanna watch a movie?" "Sure" "What do you want to see?" "I'm up for whatever" "Me too. You choose" "If I choose, you wont like it" "But I always have to choose!" This is an insanely common conversation at my house. I think anyone who has been together for a long time will "get it". The lines in which he says "I want to try something I've never done before" also give that feeling like the couple has been together for ages.

By the way, I think that the first speaker (-) is female and the (+) is male. Not sure if that is what you had in mind, but somehow, it struck me that way. It briefly crossed my mind they they could be a gay couple too... of either gender. In that sense, it really could relate to anyone.

Observations & Suggestions:

Now, this is why the story is difficult for me to review. I didn't enjoy reading it. I sort of wanted to slap them both and tell them to shut up and watch a movie or something. *Facepalm*

Some of that reaction might just be because 1. this is a circular conversation and 2. it went on for quite some time. I know that the circular nature of the argument was purposeful, but the effect of saying the same things over and over was that it felt tedious to read.

The situation seems to escalate really quickly. This could be an indication that the couple fights often. Still, it seemed a bit extreme to me. The "Damn IT" line was kinda out of nowhere in my mind. On a side note, wouldn't the stress be on "damn" rather than "it"?

There are some typos and grammar issues in here. It needs a thorough edit. Here is one of them: "you're just ryin' to make me mad now!" Missing the capital and the T from trying. By the way, if this is happening through txt messages (again, that is how it read to me), I think the person wouldn't bother with the apostrophe on "tryin".

Speaking of which... the formatting here is rough. The plus and minus... does that mean something other than an indication of who is speaking when? They take turns... so the reader should know that anyway. The caps lock throughout and using more than one ! at a time also added to the txt-like vibe for me. If it is supposed to be an argument in person, I'd avoid the caps lock.

The story wrapped up in an appropriate way, but I didn't feel much about it except for a bit of relief that they were about to stop the circular conversation. Know what I mean? I didn't feel bad for them at all or wish they had chosen something to do or wonder what they'd do next.

Overall, I think the piece could use some work. Aside from a general edit, I think there are some areas for improvement. First, I would try to make the circular argument worded drastically different. It would keep the reader more engaged if they weren't saying the same thing in the same way over and over. Second, the formatting could be much smoother. At times, the pluses and minuses, the caps lock, and the !!!! stuff made the piece difficult to read. I think that it could be a really fun or really powerful story, depending on where you wanted to take it. At the moment, the story just isn't quite there yet. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read.

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Things I Like:

I adore the last four lines of the first stanza. Just love them. Beautiful flow, phrasing, and meaning.

The idea behind the poem is pretty unique, and as always, you work in interesting cultural details. Thank you for footnoting the significance of the water line, which allowed me to fully appreciate it. Just lovely.

The flow is pristine throughout the poem. I never stumbled at all while reading.

The rhymes are blatant but effortless. Generally, I like rhymes to disappear into a poem. Yours don't disappear but the fit so perfectly that they feel as though they are simply meant to be there.

Observations & Suggestions:

The first two lines of the poem, the hook, didn't draw me in. If I hadn't read your work before, I might have just chosen a different poem to read, but knowing the quality of your work, I chose to keep reading. Glad I did! The two lines don't capture my attention or make me feel anything or think anything or, well, interest me I guess. The repeat of "gifted/gift" made me cringe a little too. The lines just don't do the rest of the poem justice. I would consider light revision.

I was curious about "my wife cried some tears". The use of "some", a qualifier really, just sucked any emotion out of the line and seemed to draw away from the rest of the poem. It's hard to explain, but it didn't sit well with me somehow. I imagine that you used it to indicate that, in the after life, the pain matters a little less... the wife will get over it. That sort of thing? It makes sense, but I still just... don't love it.

"Then did I kill my morals, / and turned to a slave" These are beautiful lines. They sound and feel very traditional, and you twisted the syntax perfectly! They read like part of a poem from the mid to late 1800's. It is spot on, and I was quite impressed. At a glance, I thought to myself "why is she using present tense and past tense together?" though. *Laugh*

The final stanza is super strong too. Listing all that's left at the end was very effective. For some reason, I kept thinking about the chair, imagining what it might be. A comfortable seat in the family room... the wooden chair at the kitchen table. The line is very visual for me despite its simplicity. I thought I'd mention it.

Overall, what can I say? It's a really good piece! Two lines and a single word... that is all that kept it from perfection for me. The flow, phrasing, sentiment, progression from beginning to end... all lovely. The rhymes seemed very natural. You have some strong emotional moments that I think many readers will relate to. I would definitely tweak the opening two lines, but the poem is very enjoyable.

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, love! I'm helping with the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. contest judging for Round 63, and I thought I'd leave you some feedback for your entry.

Some things I Like:

You have some really amazing word choice throughout this piece. Even at a glance, strong words jump out all over the place: tattered, hostile, littered, broken, awkward, scattered, ravaged, etc. Great stuff!

Beginning with the book before delving deeper into the loss was an excellent way to progress through the poem... from book, to houses, to families, to the town as a whole. It works well.

I absolutely loooove the line "at awkward and angry angles". That type of in-your-face alliteration doesn't always work, but it works well here. I think it's my favorite in the entire poem.

Observations & Suggestions:

"Swept up in the hostile storm winds" is a versatile line to use for this form. My tongue had trouble with it a few times, which made it slightly awkward a few times. I might consider cutting the "the" in there? Something about it managed to trip me up, and as it is the refrain, it was a recurring stumble for me.

There are a few syntax issues in here.

"Carrying with it broken dreams" -- Love the meaning here, but it is a dangling participle. There are two dangling participles really.

"A tattered book lies in ruins.
Left to rest on the littered ground,
Carrying with it broken dreams."

"left to rest..." and "carrying broken dreams" are modifying the book, not the ruins. The last thing mentioned was the ruins, so it reads as though you're describing the ruins not the book. Of course, you ended the sentence, but as the rest is a fragment, I'd say the rule still applies. I had to stop and figure out what was going on-- it creates a clarity issue.

Another:

"The splintered lives of families
Will be picking up the pieces,"

The subject is "lives", and the predicate is "will be picking". So the sentence says, "The lives will be picking up the pieces". You might consider reversing the order here. A "families will pick up pieces of their splintered lives" type of thing?

Okay... no more grammar. *Wink*

"The good comes out across the town,
As people help one another."

The use of "good" as a noun here threw me for a minute. The second line explains why you used it, but I did have an initial, "What? The good what?" moment. Just thought I'd mention it.

"Rebuild and recoup from being
Swept up in the hostile storm winds."

I love the meaning here. The "from being" seemed slightly awkward for some reason. I might consider using a noun instead of "being". It would only change it slightly and could make for a more dramatic ending. "Rebuild and recoup the losses / swept up..." for instance. Just an example of how you might use a noun in here to pack a bigger punch and get rid of the awkward "from being". I'm not suggesting the use of "losses"... recoup losses isn't very interesting, but this type of change could be nice.

Overall, I think you have some stellar phrasing and wording throughout. The flow is good most of the time, and I really think the progression from the micro effects to the macro was a very clever way to organize the piece. Just a bit of editing to smooth some rough edges and this piece will really shine! Good luck with the contest! *Smile*

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Review by Cinn Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Things I Like:

This is super cute! I love whole idea of walking between the raindrops. *Smile*

Squirrel's activities in the beginning were very fitting and cute as well. I especially liked the baking of acorn cookies. That's the type of detail that children like. I know that my son would probably find it amusing (he's 6).

The language is spot-on. "He found a wheelbarrow made of wood" or "a picnic spot under a big and very old tree" or any number of other lines... they just sound exactly like a children's book should sound. The wording would be easy for early readers, but children would also probably enjoy hearing the story read to them.

It reads quite a bit like Arnold Lobel. Of course, the personification of animals also leans toward Lobel's style. He is the master of making animals into people, and he wrote for the same age group.

Observations & Suggestions:

The format is pretty cookie-cutter children's story. The set up... here's a lonely guy. The middle... collecting friends one by one. The end... they all have a picnic. It isn't exactly groundbreaking. *Laugh* Of course, it doesn't have to be. The format works. That is why it has been done a million times. It makes sense to the age group. I just thought that I would mention it.

The characters also didn't seem original at all. Basically, I feel like I've read this story a zillion times. Of course, my son went through a very long Arnold Lobel phase just a year or two ago... so maybe I really have just read this type of story one too many times. *Laugh* Bound to happen to parents with young children I guess.

Overall, I think that the story is very well done for what it is. I do think that children would like it. The piece also lends itself well to possible illustrations. Dancing in the rain, picnics, a squirrel painting and cooking and so forth. It is very visual.

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