Good chapter moving the story along. Sets up the explaination to Oliver of what had happened. This chapter did well for what it was intended for. A bridge to get to the eventual climax of the story. Setting all the dominos up. Fortunately, you held the sense of the story, not putting in a dull, jumping chapter.
You did a great job bringing her anger to the surface in this chapter. She got awfully hurt and rough to a severe degree. I think this was an honest interpretation of how a friend acts in a situation such as this. You even got the aunt involved.
Great! This one has the darkness I was waiting for. You saved the best crisis point for here. It was also handled great. Sara's emotions here were wonderful. You made me feel what she was feeling. I actually was not ready for the Dina thing. For whatever reason I gave her thought only when she was mentioned. Nice dropping her in as strong as you did. I applaud this.
The poem is the very good one. I liked this poem better than Sara's. I guess thedarker feel is what did it for me. Great inclusion of it here when you did. An absolutely sound chapter here. I like the evil you give of Mr. Miller. I have come to dislike him, as you have led me to, very much and this drives me to want him put to sleep. That will say it an a polite way. Strong chapter. After, what I felt was a disappoint ment, you have recovered my interest very well.
Looks as if you have two people in the WDC dating service, Ben and Cindy. Now we see Sara's crisis. Two of them running now so the story has a strong feel. Sort of "waiting for the other shoe to drop". I am growing a strong dislike of the prof. You develop the story with a strong sense of direction. This chapter is a good inclusion of her life and it give the reader a better feel for Sara.
There was a very good feel to this chapter. You displayed Oliver's fear of doing something wrong toward Sara and his thoughts about it. The whole dream sequence was nicely handled. It left me with a sense of impending doom. From what I have read so far, I do not think that will be the case, but the dream did seem to be a fortelling. Good way to close this chapter out. Interest has come back withing the last two chapters.
And I am being watched by the StoryMaster. LOL. This chapter was a very good rebound from the last one. I like that things dropped back into a comfortable mood. I liked the fact of them spending time with one another and developing the structure of the relationship. Thank you for such a quick recovery.
I was disappointed with this chapter. Sara did not even have a doubt. That just doesn't feel truthful for anyone. I apologize, but I was let down here in this chapter. Opinion only. The writing is still great. Good dialogue and a strong sense for the story's structure. It just feels ver the top. I was expecting a struggle of some sort. Both of them having to get past it and work through it. I love your work so please understand this chapter was just not strong to me. It took me back to the feeling I had at the start when I couldn't understand why everything was going along as fast and as comfortably as it was. Love in a day.
Another great chapter here. You wove the pull through the entire thing. You did not drop the cliffhanger with a quick explaination. I eagerly read through this chapter to see what was going to happen when he told her and you did exactly the right thing. Let her open up to him and let the suspence hold out, again, until the last sentence. Perfect chapter. I loved it.
Great time to break some of the cautious feelings. You handled it nicely and I enjoyed reading as the events unfolded. The hook at the end was great. Who would put down the story after reading "I'm sorry. This is wrong. I shouldn't have done that," he said quietly, moving away from her. Pure cliff hanger there. Way to pull the reader along.
I have a quick suggestion. The start, "Thanksgiving was a day that Sara and Oliver would always remember." seems to give the story away. At the moment I am feeling that it could go either way. Maybe she deals with his deceit and they remain friends, or she overcomes it and loves him, or that is it when she discovers the truth. This sentence alludes to a happily ever after ending. Since I have not finished the novel, I do not know if it does, but for now I am thinking it is a happy ending without doubt. This line seems to take some of the suspense away from me and out of your hands.
This chapter was a nice lull in the story. It seemed to slow things down a bit and let the getting to know each other take hold. Very well done.
I am anxious for when the truth comes out and you are drawing the pull along rather nicely. I am not sure how intense her being manipulated, I think she has been, will come across.
Could I suggest that you include some indication of why he would keep up the manipulation after he knows what the prof. did. I am wondering. Maybe you will and I am just getting ahead of the story.
Great ending to this chapter with "her thoughts drifted from her Internet friend to the real life man who seemed so gentle and kind, and so very honest and sincere.". You are setting up the crisis and I cannot wait to see how you deal with it. This was a good chapter, feeling and truth. It leads well into the remainder of the story. I am impressed with the continual unbroken story. Hard to do sometimes as tangents pull you out of the meat of i all. Great.
Better. I have a question about the story here. Doesn't Oliver feel any kind of jelousy that the woman he, as Oliver, loves is with him, as Kelly. Shouldn't that cause him to think her that this woman will take the first man that shows her attention ans lessen his online important? Feels a little odd. I may be overthinking the situation.
Moving around nicely then it seemed to be stabbed with the old cliche. I hope that this will not lead directly to sex. For me it is becoming about the wonder and the chase not about the sudden experience. Again, I know this is a romance. I have read love stories, but this is absolutely my first experience with a romance. I see the differences, but am still adjusting. Sara's Port is my jumping in point and so far a very good experience. Be patient with me. I am only reviewing from the view of an honest reader.
This was a nice, warm chapter. No rushing or crazy hunting her down. You showed the truth of a person. Uncertainty and nervousness. I am glad she was a little worried about staying in to watch a movie with someone she just met, but I think the crashing into Harry Potter may have given her a sense that she wasn't being moved on. He seems a little clumbsy. You set up and described this entire event very well.
Great. That sneeky Oliver. That is entrapment. Nice cross over from the last chapter. I like the sense in this one. He doesn't come across as a stalker. He pulled it back a little and is evidently acting as the man he is. A little sneeky, but this scene was very well handled.
I was wondering how the physical meeting would happen. I predicted some sort of accidental meeting, but I like how you are managing it here. The internet thing aside, this chapter picked up the story in my mind quite a bit. I have a driving interest to see. Again, very well done with this chapter,. Great!
Nice use of the poem in the chapter. A very creative way to get it in there as well. I still cannot decide about Oliver. I understand the sensation, but this seems so much like stalker. I hope that I am not the only one that has thought so. I would hate to be getting such an incorrect read of one of your two main characters. You have given us a good look into his mental makeup. He is comfortable with being under the radar and unknown. Maybe he strives for mediocrity, reasoning his seperation of the to identities. It may be a desperate desire for the touch of something more instead of the stalking. Good job with the descriptions, the feel for the sense of the characters, and your use of the dialogue with Ben.
I am sorry, but was a little uncomfortable with this chapter. He feels far too desperate and she seems too quick to be in love with someone who has just been politte to her. Sure, they could have great conversations, but seems fast. I now it happens, I am just a little absent of the exact feeling here. I checked to see what genre, joking I already knew, and when I saw it was not a hrror story I resigned myself to adjust to the romance idea. The story still stands strong, but to me this chapter comes across a bit strange. I am not certain what suggestion I could make for those readers that are unfamiliar with this sort of relationship in order to get comfort. But, you know, discomfort often comes from some of the best stuff.
Good chapter. The fear of the thing with Ollie was handled in your words very well. He keeps on pushing though. I have no way of knowing how your story will end, but honestly, Oliver comes across as an internet stalker. He is not even subtle about it. If that is how you intended him to appear, wonderfully done, if not, I am sorry, but that is how he comes across. I like how you show her apprehension. Very well done. I am oppossed to the internet relationship, but your story has held me. It is a good read.
This chapter was a good jump toward the future. However, it felt a little odd. That may be due to the fact that I am not into loving on line. Do not get me wrong, the thought of people becoming so wrapped up in each other so quickly seems strange. That is a personal opinion. You know, as I have sent several emails, that I ramble. Maybe my uneasiness is in the fact that I can see things I do and they seem familiar to the things you write as infatuation. I am worried now that I am appearing as such to people. Oh no, I am being drawn into Sara's port and my mind is starting to whirl. I keep addressing my reviews as if this was happening and I am involved. Detatchment now.
Where are my 30,000 GPs. Somebody love me! Hah, all my reviews are public. I want people to see what I am reviewing, what I think, and take a look for themselves. 4provinces, just so you know, I am not a lunatic, but I am warped by OCD issues and a strong drive for closure which results in my drive to start and finish things. You know I am into the story when it is driving me to reply to things in it. So far, I like the chapters from Sara's point of view a little more than the ones of Oliver's point of view. Nicely done. I think it is a good thing that you keep her cautious and him as the obsessive stalker. LOL. Good job so far.
"You know that the Mailbox only displays twenty emails on a page." Is it twenty? I thought it was like twenty five. I have a suggestion. Have you thought about having him check her port and see if that envelop was lit up. Was that how he was looking for her under users in the last chapter? Good use of dialogue, but they sounded like their early twentys. I would have prefered a much more intelligent conversation from Oliver. I like the fact that chapter one introduced the events, two showed it from her side, and three showed his again. Nice way of setting the blocks. This chapter carried the story arc well, leading from chapter two and into the future without any tangents. This one seemed a little flat though. Not disinterested, just did not have the same pull as the first two. I do understand the whole story development and the ups and downs in a story so I am not disappointed only a little flat.
Oh man I feel so old. Sara thought she was starting late at 27 and I'm 39. I have been mopping around the house since I read that. Beautiful description of her! I am sorry, I have to laugh. When she sees that there are all those reviews from the same author I honestly laughed. You understand that I am not stalking you I hope. A funny coincidence. You had everything, a wonderful description of Sara, the obsession of Ollie-though I get it-, the lecherous Professor Miller and her educational money disturbances. This chapter carries very well from the first one and I was actually drawn into the story more so with this one than the first. Great job.
A nice look at the party city. I like you take on the whole marriage thing. The poem used simple words and lines and had a strong sense that kept me involved until the end. Though a little bit of a potential harsh reality, the poem came across witty and light. I was happy to have taken a look. If you do not mind I am going to include its link in my static item "A collection of other authors on WDC." Actually, I already did it, so if you have any desire for me to remove it please let me know. This poem made me laugh.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dwc99999/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/19
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.29 seconds at 3:09pm on Jul 06, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
