Hah. This is a great false add. Has a nice twist to things and I appreciate the idea. Not a smoker, so I see the humor. I would like to know if you have taken any sort of rough treatment from smokers. It is a bit of humor and I fully view it as such. Very well done.
Great crossword puzzle here. Printed it and yes, I will have to look some things up. A couple were real tough. It may be that I just do not quite remember it as well as I assumed I would. Been twelve or so years since I actually read this in its entire form. Thumbs up to you. I want to come up with a little more before I fully run the answer check.
This comes across nicely. It has a good feel to it and I wuld have been unaware, if you would not have said so, that this was fictional. It has a sense of truth to its quality. I assume you chose to keep it so short, but I would suggest that you lengthen it a bit more and add some depth to the emotional substance that already exists. Well done.
This was a very strong piece. It speaks on quite a few things in our society at the moment and I liked how you interpreted them into our very near future. I would like to see you increase the span of this a bit and let us see some other important issues that would be effected by this kind of active terroism. Other than expanding the look of this, it is a well written statement.
This poem seems to have a very nice meaning. Maybe from my interpretation of the words. You used simple words, good lines, a good rhythm, and express the point of the poem very well. It has a nice flow to it and great sense. I appreciate the poem and enjoyed the read.
Interesting concept. It is a great thought, and the idea translates well into the existing poem. I like the statement, but it does not feel like it flows quite right. Not sue why, maybe I am just so used to the other version. This is really good and I appreciate your words. Well done.
I like the strength of your thoughts and the obvious reflection you have on the subject. I agree with you about the importance of no death being less meaningful than any other death. It sucks about those in Iraq or Ruwanda, but we should have their embassy lower their flags to half as it is to hoor there citizens as the American flag is to honor our citizens. Yes, every single American death anywhere should so be honored. Not only upon select situations or for select peopple. It may be best for every flag to be held at half staff to honor every citizen of every nation. You make very valid points, but when do valid points really matter in the world today. I support your view and am glad I stopped in to take a look. Very well done.
The background of the frgotten realms was very well done. I have heard of a few of the things, from playing D & D, but I know stand more informed. Nice that you let the reader know of these things since your story is based withing an already existing structure.
Suggestions
In the openning paragraph you used caravan very often. I would like to suggest that you use another noun in its place so that it does not seem so over used.
In the line "Lia’s eyes grew wide; it had been over forty (year) since the king was assassinated." I think the word year is suposed to be years.
"The parchment was worn and creased(.) (It)it had traveled a long distance and passed through many hands but the wax seal was still intact." I think this should be broken into two sentences.
Lady Amaruil Moonflower is a beautiful fantasy name. This was your creation?
You have Lia description in your introduction, but I think it would be a bonus if you wove that description in through the story as you go. It will add a better connection for the reader.
This looks like a very promising story. I have never read any of the forgotten realms, sticking to only a few authors in the fantasy realm. I would like to see more of this when you have added to it and will be glad for you to invite me back for another review. This was well done. There may need to be a few alterations in the story, but they are so minor that I am certain you will find and make such adjustments when you see them a neccessary. Thank you for the read and please let me know when your story continues.
The background of the frgotten realms was very well done. I have heard of a few of the things, from playing D & D, but I know stand more informed. Nice that you let the reader know of these things since your story is based withing an already existing structure.
Suggestions
In the openning paragraph you used caravan very often. I would like to suggest that you use another noun in its place so that it does not seem so over used.
In the line "Lia’s eyes grew wide; it had been over forty (year) since the king was assassinated." I think the word year is suposed to be years.
"The parchment was worn and creased(.) (It)it had traveled a long distance and passed through many hands but the wax seal was still intact." I think this should be broken into two sentences.
Lady Amaruil Moonflower is a beautiful fantasy name. This was your creation?
You have Lia description in your introduction, but I think it would be a bonus if you wove that description in through the story as you go. It will add a better connection for the reader.
This looks like a very promising story. I have never read any of the forgotten realms, sticking to only a few authors in the fantasy realm. I would like to see more of this when you have added to it and will be glad for you to invite me back for another review. This was well done. There may need to be a few alterations in the story, but they are so minor that I am certain you will find and make such adjustments when you see them a neccessary. Thank you for the read and please let me know when your story continues.
This poem has a wonderful idea, but does not come across in deep, emotional terms. It did not pull to me as a poem should. It felt like a stated opinion that had each sentence taken out and used as the line in a poem. There is something here and I feel that you can turn this into a poem that will make you thing long and hard. All the elements are here. I have read your other things and think that you have good ideas in each of them, but you have a tendancy to come across a little dry. Shake it up a bit and bring what these are bordering on into the blinding light. I see touches of what you have. I would like to see it all. Good luck to you. You seem to have what you need.
I really enjoy the way you describe the subject matter. I think your points would come across better with a better rhythme and smoothness to this poem. It has everything you need, but I would advice you to dig deeper. Let us, the readers, feel the difference through your words, not just read what the definitions are. Can be spectacular I think. It is good and bordering on something very powerful already. Good job.
I like the defining of the family as you have delivered it in your poem. I think I would have liked a bit more emotion to bring what you are describing into better terms. I did not quite connect with the experience of this piece. You have some wide ranging potential here and would love to take a look at it again if you develop the riding thought any further. Give emotion to your defininf of the family. I would suggest to you that you pull the reader in and let them feel why it is a family. Some emotional lines and verses will be required. Keep up the good work.
This piece is quite thought provoking. The poem flowed well through easy words and lines that made your points very clearly. I had to pause and rethink the idea of life for a moment. It feels like a matter of opinion piece than full poetry, but holds up nicely. I would have liked to have seen it become a little more defining, but enjoyed the read of it as it is all the same. Good work.
I looks like you have the start for something that could be very nice. I have a few suggestions however.
The introduction of being immortal does work in the start, but it may be something that you want to make subtlely over the course of the story. Just starting like that is a bit cliche and may turn people away when reading it in the openning. Bring it into the story behind the words. Hint at it and allow things truning to it, but do not just let it be known.
The fanily being poor. I understand that it is in his recollection, but the manner in which it was written it comes across in the statement of his birth in 1923. I get that his family was left shattered by the depression, but not in 1923 as it was historically later. I just think you mixed up his recollection with the story being told in actual time. Should be easily manipulated to fix the point.
I applaud the openning run at first person and you handled it well. There are a few things, but I know you will see them upon a reread. I would like to see this story as you extend it. A good start, but my rating is based on the work you need to iron it out as of now. The intent is good and I am looking forward to seeing this develop further.
Great poem here. Nice run with the thought and you touch on a good subject matter. Running with the Indian man thing is a bit of a risk, but the inference is to a dated use of Indian and in no way implies a racial slurr or anything of a negative take. The poem and thoughts you bring forth hold a lot of water. Well done.
This one had me smiling. My kids are late teens now so I will be 40 and looking towards grandkinds in the next two to six years. I guess then I will see what you are asking about. This comes across very well and I enjoyed it.
I would like to see this very event turned into a short story. Dialogue and emotion of this thing dragged along though a short story with some more length. I think you have something here that would be wll worth the effort.
I think the line Lexi: I have to go potty NOW! would read better in here as a dialogue. "I have to go potty NOW!" Lexi ... yada, yada, yada. Think it would have a better feel. Thanks for your time. Good luck with your writing. It's been a pleasure.
Excellent look at a three year old. I love all the description you brought with the short. The scabs being from outside adventures was right on the money. I do have a few thoughts.
“I’m a (little) thirsty,” I think sounds better with little removed. Works both ways but I am trying to think as my three year old and what she says.
“No, it’s not full anymore. I want a little of your coffee -- kids love coffee, ya know.” I would pull back a bit to bring more of a three year olds speaking into view. I understand that some do speak very proper, but the feel to the reader is important. The idea of the line I love, but the structure seems a bit formal.
I am only suggesting because I constantly have to edit back for age after I have completed something. This is a creat story idea and is handled very well. Good luck and invite me into your port to read anytime you woul like.
This was very well done. I could see the thought and feeling that you poured into this. I like the fact that there was no overblown greatest attibuted to him, just the greatness that you saw in the man. You give us a good idea of who he was and display such a sense of honest, truthful honor. I am certain that all of us wish they will have made such an impact on a loved one's life. This was very personal and I am glad that you shared such a thing. Though appreciative of the work, this review is being done as part of "Invalid Item" Thanks again for the sharing.
The art notes included was a nice touch to show the reader your ideas. The changes in the beach type will make this very interesting, moonlit and stormy beach appeal to me most. You have a well driven story that has the potential to make quite an impact. I think that maybe some of the words may need to be brought down a little. The description was great but so much hig end description has the potential to fall back. I have heard from others that the simple direct appeoach on every point is better than the lovely one you have done in a few places.
Example: "The taste of salt fills the cool misty air." If you remove the word cool it only remove a little and in no way alters the effect of the description. This is an opinion only. Offering a thought.
The mom's explanations are brilliant. That adds so much to this story. This is a very good idea and I would love to take a look at this if you get it going. Good luck with that. I would have read this at some point, I am certain, but this review is being done as part of "Invalid Item" . Thank you for allowing me in to take a look.
Let me start with grammer, which I constantly take a beating in. In the line "Can you hear the Great Spirits cry,", you need to remove the (s) from spirits. I assume, due to the remainder of the poem, you were only addressing the one.
"Do you know how much he has wept, look upon the oceans depth." I think it should be two sentences instead of the break. "Do you know how much he has wept? Look upon the oceans depth. The L would them be capitalized. You may want to check this to be certain.
"So do you know why the Great Spirit cries." should be "So do you know why the Great Spirit cries?"
Lastly, in the line "Look for the answer in your childs eyes" it needs a period at the end.
This poem is very well written. No overblown lines for grandeur or to show others that you could. You remained faithful to your idea, a solemn feeling sweeps through this. You demonstrate quite a bit of feeling within this piece. Easy words, smooth rhythm, and strong lines develop such considerable thought. Good job. You could not get a better review from me if I was related to you and this review is being done as part of "Invalid Item" I included this in my file "A collection of other authors on WDC." Very well done chuckles. {e:cool)
This was a very strong poem. It brings across the sense of regaining the regal life lost through the events of "civilization". You brought a power to your poem with direct and memorable sentences. The poem leaves thought of nobility through its verses. I was glad to have read through this. It is deeply appreiated.
The story needs a little work. I would suggest some lengthening to the overall story. I know it was contest, but if it is over. I think you could have done a little more with the interaction with the robot. You did a good job, the pepsi thing was perfect, but maybe something with even more of a twist.
The conclusion did not come acros as well as the rest of the story. I think there is quite a bit of potential here and I would absolutely enjoy reading it again if you make some changes and would like an old review to see the changes and improvements. Good story, as I said.
I see four stars and good, four and a half stars as great, and five stars as perfect. Why would four stars bother him? Besides that. You did a nice job of wrapping the novel up. I was impressed with the last chapter. You did a good job of ending it with him showing up. To me, it seemed a little sappy at the end, but I get the reasons for that type of ending. You did a great job.
Good use of this chapter to set up your conclusion. The dialogue and emotion between Cindy and Ben was handled well. You didn't dance around what was going on, you drove at it hard and it comes through in the way Cindy rebuked Ben and Oliver both. Nice way of letting him know where sara was. Slips are a common argument event.
This is a roller coaster ride. Now we have oliver back to the whining stalker. I know he is your character and the story works with him, but I do not like this desperate side of Oliver at all. You must know that you are giving the reader his feelings and are doing a good job. Again it is simply personal. He does not have to be macho or anything, but why so desperate. Maybe not desperate, maybe I am just reading that into it. You have the story holding the reader though. That is the must thing, right? You are doing that because I am still reading despite my strange feeling for Oliver at times. It could be that I am desperate underneath it all. Perhaps that is why he is bothering me. Nah, that's not it.
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